Jump to content

Teros XVII - (Project Pheonix)


Teros

Recommended Posts

** sniff sniff** is that corruption I smell?

I've been away awhile and, after binge reading this like any loyal book worm would do with a juicy story, felt it would be a grey injustice not to say hi.

You've gotten more done in a few days than most of us Rebels can vouch for in a month. Sounds like you have some tasty nummies cooking for dinner (it makes me hungry just reading about it.)

Don't forget to stay hydrated and well rested (although it's hard to forget what with everyone saying it.) it's easy to favor one side when working out and doing heavy lifting, if there's a dominant hand there's should be a dominant leg, right?

  • Like 3
Link to comment

Watch your magnesium, I use mag oil on my leg muscles, working like you are depletes them. Yes, in often only have one leg screaming at a time. You can get magnesium oil at vitamin Shoppe.

Question. Why did you pick up your ex? I though she had a car. I know you plan too remain friends.

If you are insane because of beast mode, may I have a drink of that portion?

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

  • Like 6

In His hands and Under His wings, Phil 4:13; Is 40:31; Jer 29:11
 Adventurer by choice

Link to comment

I'm going to join the chorus of people saying to listen to your body. You may not want to and you may want to just push yourself until you finish everything that you want/need to do, but if you're exhausted, you can't achieve goals completely. You can finish them, but when you wake up from that blurred and exhaustive state, will they be what you want them to be? Will you be happy with them?

 

I am learning and I think it's something that we all continue to learn that your body tells you what it needs what it needs it. Even if you don't recognize the signs or alarms, they are there. Things will be there tomorrow. Those steps leading you toward victory and completion? You will finish them and you will succeed with a great symphony of rejoicing and celebration. But don't risk your own health and well being. <3

 

Also, in regards to the ex and the lemonade? The bitchy side of my Gemini personality wants to say "When life hands your lemons, throw them at said ex and tell her to make her own damn lemonade", but the nice side of my Gemini personality wants to say "Be so nice and sweet that it gives her a toothache!"

  • Like 5
Link to comment

I know this is project Phoenix and all, but how much firepower did you put into this week? Maybe it's better to simmer like a slow cooker than be like a microwave. (or is that a different analogy?) how's the spider pit going? I brought some beast mode potions.

d302dd545cb8308580dc4daad358d54e.jpg

  • Like 6
Link to comment

It might not be healthy to stress your body out like this, but I do admire the link with the phoenix: burn down completely to rise again more beautiful and stronger. 

  • Like 1
Doodlie for life, Pancake by choice
Spoiler

 

Challenge 12, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

Challenges 2017: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Challenges 2018: 29, 30, 31, 32, 3334, 35,

Challenges 2019: 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

 

Challenges 2020: 41, 42, 43, 44, 45

Link to comment

Bleh, quoting got all f*cked up:

 


Dark_Raider:

"Even in darkest of times, against the grandest of obstacles, you are beasting it like no one has beasted it before. You are as inspirational as it gets"

 

Thanks a lot, man.  You don't even know what step #1 is yet!

 

 

T2:


"But isn't it nice that you don't have someone criticizing everything you are doing? You are doing all this stuff because you want to. Liberating feeling."

 

Beyond that.  When I start thinking about what I've done so far and what I'm planning on doing, sometimes I get chills and that good goosebump feeling.

 

LL:


"It might be muscular imbalance in your leg from your muscles compensating when you injured your ankle. Same thing happened to me and it is quite common."

 

Idk, you might be right.  I've noticed that my left big toe has that pins and needles feeling the past day or so.  I'll be able to slow down soon.

 

...soon.

 

AgentC:

Can't wait to hear what's up! And maybe you and my kitten Weasley could get together, he believes 4am is party-time...

 

Well you saw the picture of me with Crystal so I get along fine with kitties. :P

 

 

** sniff sniff** is that corruption I smell?

I've been away awhile and, after binge reading this like any loyal book worm would do with a juicy story, felt it would be a grey injustice not to say hi.
You've gotten more done in a few days than most of us Rebels can vouch for in a month. Sounds like you have some tasty nummies cooking for dinner (it makes me hungry just reading about it.)
Don't forget to stay hydrated and well rested (although it's hard to forget what with everyone saying it.) it's easy to favor one side when working out and doing heavy lifting, if there's a dominant hand there's should be a dominant leg, right?

 

Yes. It smells vaguely of coconut and freedom.

 

What's amusing is that's what I'm written.  There's about 10 times more stuff that I haven't written about.  For example, I didn't say that I took a trip to get a slice of cake for a friend, that I shopped for new shoes, that I bought a new pair of pants for work, that I went and got the jeans and an overshirt hemmed, that I made shredded chicken in the crockpot and I'm turning it into a tasty chicken salad (once I buy some red onions and tomatoes), that I swept up the mess that I was outside from "Step#1" of the project, that I went out socializing and drinking with some people, that I went to the party store to buy a few things, that I finally returned my book, that I went to school and paid my tuition of the year, that....

 

You get the point.

 

Let's just say that something is getting done every single hour until I end up crashing.  Unless I'm asleep, I'm seriously doing something productive.

 

 

CA:

Question. Why did you pick up your ex? I though she had a car. I know you plan too remain friends.

If you are insane because of beast mode, may I have a drink of that portion?

 

Yeah, let's just say that.... she shouldn't be coming over because of what has been going on; so I've offered to drive to her place and hang out for a couple hours; then come back home and starting doing _____ at like 9pm because that's how I roll.

 

T2

Where is my Teros update? I need my fix.

bbq_pro.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1
 
One serving of update, coming up.
 

 

You can finish them, but when you wake up from that blurred and exhaustive state, will they be what you want them to be? Will you be happy with them?

 

I am learning and I think it's something that we all continue to learn that your body tells you what it needs what it needs it. Even if you don't recognize the signs or alarms, they are there. Things will be there tomorrow.

 

*nods*  Yup.  I'll be able to slow down within the next day; which also means that I'll finally be done with step #1 and can FINALLY explain what I've been up to.
 
I have 13 days before school starts.  I need this all, and I mean all, done before then.  I won't have the time or the energy to do this.  Trust me.
 

 

I know this is project Phoenix and all, but how much firepower did you put into this week?

 

Erm.. I don't know how to answer that.  Let's do some math I guess.
 
It's been 9 days since my ex left.  That's 216 hours total.  Let's subtract my shitty sleep and my work schedule. We're left with about : 155 hours. Factor in a daily break and a shower/eating times, and we're looking at: 130 hours.
 
So.... 131 hour's worth of firepower?  Is that a good answer?
 
----------------------
 
Aight!  EVERYONE KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.  With everything permitting, I will be able to explain what the f*ck I've been doing tomorrow night - late - maybe midnight.
 
The biggest obstacle now for me is the mentality tied with this. I simply need to do something rather... unpleasant and write up some things within the next 24 hours and then this should be it.
 
Quick question: I've never had stitches - if you have a really bad cut on your finger that keeps bleeding and sometimes goes numb, does that need a stitch?  I mean, it's not a long cut but it feels really deep.  Maybe like... half the circumference/length of a dime coin.  It feels... puffy and stings.
  • Like 3
Link to comment

Yes stiches, and patience is not my virtue, but I'm trying to aquire some for this update

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using Tapatalk

  • Like 2

RES...and I want to live days worth dying for

Current: RES: CUTE adjusts

Spoiler

Magickal, Eclectic, Goddess, Level 68

|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|48|49|50|51|52|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63|64|65|66|67|68|69|70|71|72|

|My Character Page | Tracking Spreadsheet | My Blog |

Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

Link to comment

I've gotten stitches when I cut my head on a table when I was four, if that gives me any experience it qualification in the subject. However I'm no suturer or doctor so it's best to ask the experts.

TLDR: YES

Link to comment

Get your stitches within 6 hours! Don't wait or the doctor won't be able to stitch it anymore.

Doodlie for life, Pancake by choice
Spoiler

 

Challenge 12, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

Challenges 2017: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Challenges 2018: 29, 30, 31, 32, 3334, 35,

Challenges 2019: 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

 

Challenges 2020: 41, 42, 43, 44, 45

Link to comment
On 6/14/2015 at 7:33 PM, Teros said:
 

*slaps face*

 

Ok Teros, you can do this.

 

I would like to preface all of this with that I know some people know parts of this story; but not the full thing.  There is a reason for this.  Also, after reading through this, don't just hit a 'like' on what someone else wrote.  Please let me know your genuine reaction.

 

---

 

 

When I was in kindergarten, I didn't stay clinging to my mom's leg because I was scared - I walked right into the middle of the room and said, "HI! I'M MICHAEL BAKER!" and the kids flocked to me and I had made friends in seconds.  My mom, to this day, begrudgingly tells me this story. My mom has always been clingy, needy, desperate for attention, and obsessed with her kids.  I have an older sister - mid 40's.  That will be relevant later on.

 

Kindergarten was fine.  Then I went to public school in 1st grade.  I had a teacher named Ms. Winn.  She had tenure- no matter what, she could not be fired.  Every year, she would pick out a student and punish them again and again and again to set as an example for everyone else. Guess who she picked...

 

"If you don't raise your hand, you will go to the principal's office.  Mike, don't raise your hand"

 

*does as I'm told*

 

"GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE NOW!"

 

It was a daily thing to make the walk of shame from class to the office and sit there for 30 minutes or an hour, depending on when the principal showed up.  One day, it was too much for me. I was so sick of being punished; so tired of everything I ever did being wrong, that I hid.  The office had a wooden bench, much like a church pew and I curled up in the fetal position and hid there.  A few people sat down and it creaked and I was scared but I didn't care. Tears streamed across my face as I would rather be shaking underneath a bench and covered in dust and see a spider walk by than be made to feel like I was bad again. Again.  And again. 

 

The teacher thought I was an idiot, but this will sound like boasting but - I was the smartest child in the class.  Not hyping myself up - it was the truth.  There was a 'smart' group and a 'dumb group'.  The smart group got special time with the teacher- they would be in the back of the classroom and read whole paragraphs and then at the end of the story, the teacher would ask questions about the story.

 

On this particular day, the dumb kids had a writing assignment to do.  It was just a couple of paragraphs about something.  I was in the front row, far left, right in front of the teacher's desk because, as I've stated, I needed an eye on me because I was so horrible.  I listened to the entire story that they read out loud.  Then she started asking them questions.  I knew the answers.... they didn't.  I wanted to make the teacher proud and I wanted to show that I wasn't dumb. I raised my hand.  I squirmed in my seat.  She didn't notice me and kept trying to coach the smart kids into giving them the answer. I knew it! I knew it!  I shook in my seat a little to make some noise and the teacher finally noticed me with my hand raised.  She walks up to me with her arms crossed.  The conversation goes like this:

 

Her: What do you want, Mike? I'm trying to teach the other students.

Me: I know the answer.

Her: *shocked* then *disgusted* You know the answer? How? None of them know it.  They were all reading. Were you listening to the story?

Me: *nodding*  Yep. I know it. Please!

Her: *with a scowl* So you didn't do your paper then!?

Me: *I hold up the paper* I did it. See?  It's all done. I've been done for a few minutes so I was listening.

Her: You can't be done already.  No one else is even close to done!

Me: Look.

Her: *she doesn't look at the paper. She only stared at me with what can only be considered pure hatred* "GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!"

 

I got yelled at and in trouble for doing the dumb kid's work and being able to do the smart kid's work when no one was able to do either one.

 

This wasn't bad enough - to always be wrong no matter what I did, no matter what I said. I was always just a monster.

 

I also had bullies. Three of them.  There was Anthony who was the main bully and he had two lackeys. They were sidekicks that did his bidding.  I would get beat up. I was thrown into a brick wall.  The back of my head slammed into it and my vision went black and I might have fainted. I don't remember what happened after that.  One time my mom bought me a new red puffy jacket.  At recess, they grabbed the sleeves and puled them away.  They tore holes and the stuffing fell out and they spit on me.  I couldn't take it one day and I refused to go inside.  I sat on the cement with my knees up to my chin and cried.  A kid ran up to me and told me that I needed to come inside because the bell rung. I told him I didn't care anymore and kept crying. He told me again. He said I would get in trouble. I yelled that I'm always in trouble and that I still don't care.

 

My mom pulled me out of the public school and put me into a catholic school after that.  They evaluated me. They said that a lot of damage was done, but that my test scores were near-genius levels so despite being broken and awkward; they decided to not hold me back and repeat 1st grade.  I started second grade at the catholic school. I met Orlando and Brandon - two people that would become my friends. Orlando was taken out of school after 2nd grade because his family couldn't afford it. We stayed friends despite this.

 

Then I met Quinn.  He was scrawny with red hair and freckles.  He was extremely tall though.  He became the next bully.  There was no fighting at the school, but he would insult me multiple times a day.  A thing to note - this school had 24 people per grade so I was going to deal with only these people from 2nd grade to 8th grade.  9th grade started high school.

 

In school I wanted to be creative. I loved videogames because they were the only thing that made me happy about myself. I always wanted to be a hero like mario or link.  I played a lot of RPGs, but in true gamer fashion- I loved everything.  Any time I could leave my reality was a comfort.  I drew maps and charts and weapons and monsters - I had game concepts and some of the kids for a very very brief time wanted to join my 'company' called 'The New Crew'.  They had ideas but they weren't fleshed out. They were pitiful, one note, and never any good.  Really, Joey, 'Get Naked And Fight!' is a game?  Naked fighting?  You want a videogame where people rip off their clothes before the match and fight?  What are the fighting mechanics? Who's good and bad? Any details? You're a fucking idiot, Joey.

 

The bully that I dealt with would make fun of my weight.  Besides games, I ate. A lot.  My mom worked the night shift so she was asleep when I got home and stayed asleep until dinnertime; then woke up and went to work.  I was alone and had to be quiet or else I would wake her up.  I grew up for years never making a single sound.  She woke up before and talked down to me because I was tapping a pencil...

 

Putting all these components together, I hated every single day of my life.  I was insulted at lunch time, at recess, or any time that the bully and I were near each other. Of course we had assigned seating and of course, who was sitting directly in front of me calling me a fat piece of shit that should die while I eat lunch? The bully. My supposed 'friends' for 7 years would point and laugh at me.  I developed a sharp wit and silver tongue.  I deflected, counter-insulted, and always put the pressure back on to him.  It always meant having to get scolded and stand against the wall while everyone else ate lunch. More being told that everything I did was wrong.  The school never did anything because the bully's mom would threaten to pull him out of school and they would lose the tuition money.   They said he had a 'condition' called ADD.  Attention Deficit Disorder.  ADD means you take a pill and can't pay attention to do homework - that doesn't make you a mean-spirited worthless asshole that treats people like dirt.

 

My mom was never there in the social sense. She was a provider, me having no dad; but she simply wasn't there for me mentally.  I still remember crying on the couch and telling her that it's been years that I've been treated horribly at school, that I'm tired of being made to feel worthless and awful.  My mom looked at me and said,

 

"One of these days, you'll look back on this and laugh."

 

With tears coming down my face, I realized then that was the last straw in trying to confide in her.  The years after only solidified this as a truth. I never felt like she understood me and this was the nail in the coffin; way back before I was even a teenager.

 

I always had to hear what I needed to be doing.  What else I should work on about myself.  I was never good enough and I never did good enough for her.  Compared to my perfect sister. 

 

-My sister:

My mom felt that my sister could do no wrong, in stark contrast to me never doing enough.  My sister was the perfect little princess.  My mom told me twice the other day, "It's such a blessing that we have your sister in our lives."  Really?  Let me break this down for you:  My sister got a degree at a better school that me because my mom had the money to spend.  She didn't have that money for me 17+ years later though because.....(wait).    My sister never did anything with her degree for years - doing menial garbage jobs for dirt pay.  She got married to a walking piece of shit. The guy doesn't even know her favorite birthday cake. I made fun of it and said her favorite cake is lemon-raisin-loaf.  Since then, every year I make her a lemon cake with lemon frosting, and I put 5 or 6 raisins on top of it.  Anyways, she married a leech and a scumbag, she hates him, she is about to get a divorce after 25+ years; worked deadend jobs until a couple years ago, but was also unemployed for years at a time, has no kids, and wasted.... get ready for it.... over $350,000 because of credit card debit.  OVER that.  My mom spent her retirement, most of my inheritance, and my sister's inheritance to make sure we have a roof over our heads.

 

But I'm the one that needs to do more. I'm the one that's not good enough. We're 'blessed' because of how great my sister is.  My mom told me about how money is tight for Christmas so she couldn't spend a lot. I respected that. I never asked for much.  I told her that we don't have the money to spend on anything pricey, so I just want practical things.  My mom bought me soap.  The wrong kind of soap.  $10 dollars in soap, that I needed to get the receipt for and do an item exchange.  You know what my mom got my sister? My mom gave her an $8,000 platinum and diamond ring.

 

My mom like to tell me to this day that she 'spoiled me rotten' because when I was 8 or 9, at Christmas she would buy me bags of action figures.  You take all of them from all years and combine the cost - it would not equal 1 ring that my mom gave my sister on a year that money was 'an issue'.  My sister has over 100 'wee people'; which are stupid porcelain sculptures of mice.  Like a little mouse baking cookies, or a mouse swinging a golf club. Cute, yes; but also $100 a piece.  They are smaller than a thumb.

 

If I vacuumed, I didn't use the hose attachment and get the corners. She would walk around and point out the little scraps of paper and treat me like a child.  "See?  See that? Oh, there's something over there."  I clean the tub, do the dishes, get an A for a grade and it never mattered.

 

-

 

The school itself did this to me too.  One time I didn't understand an algebra problem and the teacher (an ex-nun), shook a bowl of m&ms at my face and said, "HOW ABOUT THESES? WILL EATING THESE MAKE YOU THINK!?"  To which, as can be guessed, everyone laughed at me.  In 8th grade I got a 72 on a vocabulary quiz. I was sent to the principal's office to discuss why I got such a poor poor grade.  I actually had to be talked down to by the principal because I got a passing grade... 

 

I kept gaining weight.  In 6th grade, I weighed 240 lbs.  That number has stuck with me.

 

In catholic school, I hated everything.  They brainwashed us.  I remember telling my mom once that, "I hate all faggots. They're disgusting".  When I had to get my confirmation, they told us lies.  They said condoms work 4% of the time, that you always catch diseases, the odds of AIDS, as well as how unholy all of it was.  They made me terrified of sex, or any kind of intimacy.

 

I went to catholic school, so of course, I was raised catholic.  As the years went by I lost any kind of faith.  My biggest gripe was the whole 'He's testing us' line of reasoning.  People suffer and die, good people, because a deity wants us to learn a lesson? To be stronger?  I don't want to get into a religious debate at all on this forums - the bottom line is that in my position at that time; my faith was slowly eroding.  I started to learn more about buddhism and zen, and comprised my own belief system which was a cherry-picking of lessons.  I also stopped hating gay people and realized that they just have a sexual preference.  Losing my faith made me more tolerant and open to people.  However, I was still terrified of doing anything physical to anyone, including myself.  There was no lessons or flat-out lies about everything in this realm.

 

I didn't do what most people my age did and 'experiment' with other people.  I never thought like that.  I have to have a deep emotional connection to someone in order to think anything attractive about them.  I didn't see people as just the surface - I always cared about what was inside them.  In 9th grade, now fre from the bully and now in a public high school instead of a stifling catholic school, I met Sheena.  I thought she was beautiful.  She was a grade older than me.  Everyone else liked Sarah, who was the stereotypical-looking cheerleader girl.  I didn't care for Sarah. I wanted Sheena.  We had an art class together.  Right before christmas break, she wore red and had a santa hat on.  She wished me a merry christmas and hugged me. Oh my god. She hugged me. That was the first time I had a hug from a person that wasn't family, nevermind a beautiful woman.  My entire body was warm all over.  Later that day, as I walked home from school, I saw my neighbor collapsed in the bushes. He was really old and he fell over and broke his hip.  He was hidden in the shrubs but I heard his raspy voice and ran to go call for help.  EMTs later said that if I didn't do that, if I was late coming home or didn't hear him; that he would have died right outside his house.  That christmas break from school, I finally, finally, felt like a hero from a game that I always wanted to be. I saved the day and 'got' the girl.  I stayed in my bed all snuggly warm and just daydreamed for hours and hours every day about how happy I was.

 

The next year, I didn't have any classes with Sheena, but she had classes with our mutual friend, Larry.  I begged him to pass notes between us and he agreed.  So many notes.  I felt giddy whenever I got one.  As the year progressed, I got less and less notes from her. I was hurt. We had each other's phone numbers, but this was years ago when there wasn't call waiting - you were on the phone for a short time but then your family made you hang up.  I talked to her a little bit but I didn't have much to say. I just knew that I liked her and wanted to be around her. 

 

Time passed and Larry told me something that hurt me deeply- Sheena had told Larry how she wanted to fuck him.  She mentioned to him how she wanted to be spread over the teacher's desk and fucked hard by him.  I felt like she cared more about him than me.  I never did anything intimate at this point.  What I felt for her wasn't physical intimacy and wanting to get into her pants - I felt a genuine attraction. I thought a kiss or a hug was a big deal and didn't know much after that because of terrible catholic schooling.

 

I had written a few notes and tried to call her. I wrote down on a piece of paper how I felt about her but never got to read it.  I got a card from her saying that she was a friend and that the problem was her, not me, and that I would make some girl very happy. I was crushed and defeated.  A while later, I was walking outside between the school building and I saw Sheena. She was outside and smoking a cigarette with a couple of other people that were skipping class.  I saw her and I walked away. I walked by her.  I can still hear it.  I can still hear her voice getting meeker and trailing off. "HEY MIKE!  MIKE!  MIKE?  Mike? What's wrong... mike?"

 

I kept walking but every part of me wanted to turn around.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't try to talk to her again. I was really hurt.

 

There were a few other girls that I liked, but I had no chance with.  I tried to talk to them but I was terrible. No one came even close to Sheena in terms of talking.  I had no social skills. A therapist told me later on that I probably have high-functioning autism or aspberger's.  Then I met Melissa.  12th grade. I was 17 and would be 18 when school ended in May.  We were partners and in a couple of classes together. I talked to her online, in the old dial-up days.  We would chat and she had a b/f.  An online one that lived a few states away. They met once and were a little physical.  He was an asshole to her. I stood up for her and asked for the guy's name so I could talk to him directly.  After about 5 minutes the kid said to me, "You want her? Take her. I don't care."  I told Melissa this and she asked, "So...does this mean we are going out?"  I replied, "I guess so?"  That was the start of our relationship.

 

A few months later and about 3 dates later, her mom wants to leave the state.  Credit card debt collectors were hunting her down so she was going to move a few hundreds miles away to North Carolina.  Melissa didn't want to leave in 12th grade. Highschool ends in 12th grade - she would have to start all over for what, like 5 months?  I begged my mom for Melissa to live with us.  She agreed.  Melissa and I went from a couple of uneasy dates to living together.  We didn't have enough room - we lived in a single room with a twin bed.  When she was sick one time, I gave her the bed and curled up at the bottom and had my lower half on a foot stool; like I was a puppy dog.  I would do anything for her.  A few months pass and school ends.  At the start of the relationship, she wanted to be intimate.  However, with catholic school's conditioning and lies; I was basically terrified of trying to do 'the deed'.

 

High school ends - by this time, I see Orlando back from 2nd grade like twice a year.  I used to talk to Brandon all the time and he was my only friend - until one day he wasn't.  He stopped answering his messages and didn't call me back.  He flat-out disappeared from my life with no reason whatsoever.  I realize that my best friend abandoned me.

 

After school ends, Melissa is supposed to leave and we aren't sure what to do.  We were already having problems.  I found notes I wrote back then about how I didn't know about this relationship and I complained about serious issues I had; like her depression and anger, lack of confidence, not wanting to do anything with me and made me feel like I didn't matter(non sexual), and her hating her family.  Making me feel like I didn't matter, like I wasn't good enough. Again, not good enough.

 

She stayed and we both decided to take a year off from school before we tried college. That turned into too long of a break. Started college together and took all of the same classes together.  She got a job at a grocery store. I did too a couple years later on. We worked together and would see each other in the halls and on breaks. 

 

Then we finished school and weren't sure what to do.  Then I went to Gibbs because of my old days of drafting up game ideas.  I wanted to make them for real.

 

I don't know if you'll understand this reference, but it's crucial to know.  When the administration guy talked me into signing up at Gibbs, I asked if they had C++ computer programming.  The guy said they didn't, however they have A+ courses which is the exact same thing.  A quick google search will let you know that C++ and A+ is not even remotely similar.  Tuition was paid and after 3 weeks, what I'm learning has nothing to do with what I want to know. I look more into it and I'm fucked.  In addition, the way the school worked, was if you stayed for more than 2 weeks; they kept 3/4 of your entire tuition.  So I had an option: either lose thousand and thousands of dollars and have nothing to show for it, or make the best of the situation and learn some sort of skills in this IT field.  I choose to stay.  Apparently, another 10 people were duped in this fashion.  The school went bankrupt a few years later and I don't think they exist anymore.  Fuck them.

 

Once I got out of there, I worked at a helpdesk doing troubleshooting for a drug company.  I dealt with calls about malfunctioning registers and broken debit card swipers and other shit.  It was terrible.  I have my A+ Hardware and Software certification for life (nowadays it's something you have to renew- I'm grandfathered in with the old system).  But I hate it. I actually despise computers (and most technology for that matter).

 

One thing I loved doing in videogames was teaching people how to play. I was helpful, had infinite patience, and never made people feel dumb.  Alongside my wanting to work on videogames was the notion that maybe I should be a teacher.  It kept bubbling up in my mind.  After Gibbs, I took a lot of psychology classes and there was something that I loved about it.  It was partially scientific with learning about how the chemicals in the brain work.  It was abstract conjuring and philosophizing.  It was trying to understand with an even mix of scientific approach and thinking outside the box.  I was always really good at lying and good at reading people.  So I always had a thing for the psychology field.  I loved learning about Erikson, Freud, Jung, stages of development, parts of the brain, Broca's aphasia, etc.  It was so fucking cool.

 

After the videogame thing didn't pan out, I decided to retrace my steps and think more about being a teacher or psychologist.  I couldn't decide which one to focus on.  I loved ancient history so I thought about being a history teacher.  I always wanted to create a new class based on weapons of war - learning about scimitars, kama, siege weapons, particular battles and how/why it was won or lost, strategies, etc.  I took philosophy classes too and was interested in that.  It boiled down to what I felt inside me was best.  I thought that teaching would be 'quantity' of helping people, while therapist would be 'quality' of helping people.

 

After Gibbs, I got hired by some shitty company to do helpdesk.  Melissa was finding her own way and so we were going to try a long distance relationship.  She moved to NC with her mom and brother and I was going back to RI for this helpdesk job.  We stayed in NC for a week and then I had to go.  I took the train alone.  I didn't sleep the two nights prior.  The train was early in the morning, but it was really far away. Melissa's mom swore that she would get me to the train station. She didn't.  My mom had to wire money and pay for a taxi cab to drive me for an hour.  And the taxi cab driver got lost twice.  At 4am, I stood hovering over a toilet and being sick with nerves. I thought I was going to puke and did a bit.  We had a regular relationship, but we spent so much time together (enmeshment), that it was going to be impossible to be without her and her without me.  Once I got on the train, it drove for 11 hours.  Then there was a wait for a couple hours.  Then a night train that would bring me back home by about 10am.  Overall, it was a 25+ hour trip.  Remember I didn't sleep 2 whole days before that.  I was scared if I fell asleep that I would miss my stop or end up stranded and lost.

 

The second train that I take was empty except a few people in the back of the cart.  At one point there was an argument in the back of the cart about someone with a knife. I was scared but I was too dead to even move.

 

The door was automatic, but it was having an electrical problem.  The door would open and clamp closed at random, over and over, without anyone being near it. It was disturbing.  Now running on fumes for 3 days on the final stretch, I had been crying on the train the whole time.  My eyes have never burned so much in my entire life.  Crying hurts eyes. Missing sleep hurts eyes. Missing 3 days and crying most of that is beyond painful.

 

For the first time in years since catholic school, I talked to God.  I said to him something very simple. I told him to take away any pain that Melissa was feeling about us being separate and to put it on me. I was stronger. I could take it. I would shoulder twice the pain, if something like that was possible.  I didn't want her to be hurt. I never wanted her to be hurt.  I said in a whisper, "I just need a sign. Just show me something that proves you're listening and here."

 

The doors banged open and closed. Again and again.

 

I was furious. I stared daggers at those doors. There were electrical problems with these. This isn't a sign.  I knew all the other stories that people had about faith and the mediocre things that happened to them.  I wasn't one of them and I demanded more.  In my anger, I rose my voice to a hoarse whisper.  Staring, I said, "If THIS is the fucking sign that you're going to give me than just forget it."

 

The doors slam shut and stop moving.

 

I was even more angry. I said that there needs to be rain or something big with the weather. Something that was large and noticeable, not a stupid broken door.  There was nothing after that.

 

For a couple of months, I work at the helpdesk and Melissa works at a grocery store in NC.  Then Katie:

 

Katie:

 

8-9 years ago I used to talk to Katie.  Katie was a little mousy girl.  Maybe 5 feet tall, straight dark brown hair. Freckles. Warm smile.  Soft spoken nerd.  Had a bunny. Favorite color was teal.  I thought she was adorable.  I talked to her in high school because we shared a class.  My g/f was friends with her too (in highschool); but not much- more like acquaintances.  I became better friends with Katie than my g/f did.  This is... possibly a recurring theme.

 

After school and some time off, my g/f was moving to NC to be with her mom.  We were going to try long distance.

 

Since high school, I had been messaging Katie.  Emails. Long emails.  Nothing particularly interesting.  Nothing...intense or really satisfying in terms of a friendship.  Generic things, but it was still nice to talk to a friend.  We got a little personal but she was pretty quite.

 

After my g/f moves, I feel alone.  I talk to Katie more often.  She wants to hang out and I'm all about it.  I'm not trying to get with her - I still want to be with my g/f at this point in time; although I was miserable and issues were forming before she left.

 

Katie wants to go see the movie: Ladder 49.  I know nothing about it but hey, it's a movie with a cute friend/girl so that's awesome.

 

It's dramatic and emotional. Feels weird being next to Katie like this.  I like her but, I'm not going to really do anything about it.  I don't think I like her in that way.  She's too mousy.  She comes off as a pushover and overly sensitive.

 

I play video-games with Larry (Yes, Sheena-wanting-to-f*ck, Larry) and we talk online all the time.  I tell her about Katie and how I like her, but not in that way.  Larry is all about it and wants me to tell him more. There's nothing to say. I mean, we saw a dramatic movie together and I like being around her, but that's enough..I guess? I don't know.  I'm feeling conflicted.

 

A few weeks pass and Katie starts not responding to me in emails.  I start messaging her, and I don't know if I should stop by her house - she lives 2 miles away and it's not that weird - I went to her house before and saw her bunny.  She eventually talks to me and tells me that we shouldn't talk anymore and that she's freaking out.  I find out why:

 

Larry told his g/f, Jess, about me and Katie.  Jess knew a friend that knew Katie.  Word got around and warped - basically Katie heard that I liked her and was interested in her in THAT way, which I wasn't sure if I even was.  After I find this out, I tell Katie to just come over and we'll talk about it.  It's a misunderstanding.  Katie then messages my g/f at the time and hits the panic button.  Katie says that she's so sorry and that she doesn't like me THAT way.  My g/f is like, 'wtf is going on?'  As right she should have been- what the hell was going on?

 

I want to talk to Katie face-to-face.  I get really scared but I know that I have to eventually literally face my problems.  She's supposed to come by the house.  I wait in the living room, watching outside.  I wait for hours.  Then I try messaging her.  Nothing.  I never hear from her again.  She was so scared that she flat out ran away from me forever - all because of a misunderstanding.  Was it really that bad, even if it was true?

 

I've wanted to lose weight and face this situation eventually. I wanted to be able to clear the air, let her know that she lost a good friend and that I wasn't trying to do that thing (thought near the end, I did start fantasizing about her).  I wanted to tell her to her face that her cowardice and not giving me a chance cost her because I only wanted to be friends with her.

 

A few months after that incident, my g/f came back up from NC.  We were lonely.  After the Katie situation, I felt like I could ever make a friend girl again.

 

Ends Katie story.  Friendship gets close. Then abrupt abandonment.

 

--

 

We're both miserable and she eventually moves back up.  It's awkward when she does. We wanted to hug each other, but we also felt like we were strangers at the same time.  Things go back to the way they were. We go back to school again.  Over the course of a few years, there's a flood that hits the house and we lose about 75% of everything me and her own - because we lived in the basement.  Also, the Black Kiss occurs, and her Dad dies.  She hated her Dad and he was a scumbag, but she was still a bit of an emotional mess so I convince her to see a therapist.

 

The Black Kiss:

The relationship in general only got worse as time went on - patterns of behavior became more and more warped. I had to cater to someone else because if I didn't, I had to deal with temper-tantrums, talking under breath, stomping around, slamming doors. Things I child would do.  As long as Melissa got her way, then things were fine.  I bend over backwards over and over again. It bred resentment. I hated her and I hated myself for letting myself stay weak and in that position.

 

The Black Kiss was when we were having arguments on a daily basis.  Sometimes twice a day.  On this particular day, we had three arguments.  She never 'solved' fights; she only lashed out and then would stay away and pretend like the fight never happened.  Meanwhile, I'm a mess and I just want to try and fix things.  At night, she tells me that she doesn't want to go to bed angry so she wants a kiss goodnight. I give her one.  For the first time in the relationship, I don't feel anything.  No rush. No happiness. Just an emotionless kiss.

 

I can't sleep that night. I feel like something huge has happened but I don't know how to deal with it.  I laid on my side, facing away from her; and just welled up with tears.  I felt like something died that night.  I was so broken feeling.  The next day, I kissed again: Nothing.  Then for two weeks I keep trying to 'catch' that feeling again.  It never comes back.  I don't know what to do.  Part of me says that this is what happens is relationship: one day everything dies and you are just left with a person that you hate.  It's awful to think that, but at this point in my life; all I've really seen has been blackness.  I've been the pessimist.

 

---

Things continues to be awful with my g/f at the time.  Fast forward a little bit to Annette.

 

Annette:

Maybe 5-6ish years ago, there was a new girl at work and her name was Annette. She was pretty good-looking.  I was horrible at talking to people, especially women, even more especially good-looking women; so this was going to be a challenge. She ended up talking to me.  At the time, I didn't know how my g/f would take me talking to another woman.  After the entire 'Katie' incident; I was leery at best and so I didn't want to just talk to Annette a lot with my g/f around.  I decide to go on work breaks and talk to her then or on days when my g/f worked the cash office; behind closed doors, and nowhere near the florist area which is where Annette worked.

We hit it off surprisingly well.  I opened up to her about a little bit of stuff. She told me some stuff about her.  I would be working sometimes and she would see me working in the aisles and talk to me.  She actively sought me out sometimes.  Also, although my work-break was only 15 minutes, sometimes she would keep talking and talking for over an hour.  I would push my carriage away from the florist shop and she would ask me something - rope me back into the conversation. She said she didn't have many friends.  Over the 2 years that we were talking, she said that she had no friends.

She opened up and told me about her two attempts at committing suicide - trying to hang herself in her closet but her b/f at the time heard a noise and rushed up the stairs and grabbed her and pulled her down.  She said she used to cut herself a little bit.  She had 2 young children and she was 2 years older than me.  I thought it was horrible that she would attempt something like that and leave her kids without a mom, but when hearing that kind of story; the last thing you want to do is shame the person.

We have the same stance on politics, religion, and even used to play the same games from years ago.  We would hum legend of zelda, ocarina of time's kokiri forest/saria's song together.  We both talked about our depression, we were both overweight and struggled with trying.  I thought she was beautiful.  Two years pass and she splits with her b/f.  She's devastated.  He calls her at work, swearing at her and them arguing about bills and the car.  I stand awkwardly over by the side and ask her if she's ok.  She's not.  She feels alone. I feel bad. I tell her that I feel alone too.  We talk about our relationships and I tell her that I feel like I'm disgusting because my g/f doesn't want to ever do anything with me physically.  Did I want to 'get' with Annette? Not really. Hot, yes.  We were fairly compatible but long-term wise; I didn't think I could do it.  So keep that in mind.

After the breakup with her b/f and arguing, a new guy shows up.  His name is Eric and he admits to Annette that he used to stalk her online.  I get a bad vibe about him before she even tells me this information - about how he used to be in a hospital and had a breakdown after his mom died.  The word choices she used just...didn't feel right.  I tell her that I have a bad idea about her hanging out with Eric.  She again says that she's lonely.

A note: because we have different schedules; it's random when I see her. I might see her monday and tuesday and talk for an hour each day. I might not see her for two weeks. It's sporadic.

Next time I see her, she's getting rides to and from work from Eric because of car disputes with her now ex-b/f.  She tells me that Eric isn't that bad - she doesn't like him 'like that', and he's a bit weird but a sweet person.

One night I get into an argument with my g/f.  I go to bed and as I'm laying there, I decide to text Annette and see what she's up to (it's 10pmish).  My phone rings.  I can't pick it up - then my g/f would know I'm on the phone with someone.  So I don't do it.  It turns out it was Eric.  According to Annette, after she got a text from me, Eric was royally pissed and wanted her to call me back.  Me not answering was 'shady as fuck' and the guy now apparently hated me.  He was so angry that he punched the air vents in his car and broke them.

I feel even worse about her being with him.  She also tells me that they aren't compatible - politics, religion, etc.  The shit that me and her get along with.

It starts to escalate.  She says that Eric doesn't trust me.  She suggests a double-date with me and my g/f to ease things.  I'm iffy - my g/f still doesn't know the extent of how friendly I am with Annette. I put it off, put it off.  A few weeks go by and I accept.  Fine.  If it means that I can stay friends with someone I like, I'll bite the bullet, tell my g/f that I'm good friends with her, and then try the double-date.  Annette gets back to me, says that it took too long and Eric doesn't want to do that anymore.  She says that he wants to fight me. Fight me over what? I don't even know.

According to her, Eric confesses that he's always liked her and wanted to be with her.  Now that her ex-b/f and her were done, this was his chance to swoop in and get his chance that he's been patiently waiting for.  He accuses me of trying to swoop in and makes this a me vs him -type of deal.

Another text at some point.  Another argument.  He grabs and throws a phone against the wall and shatters it.  This is 2 instances of uncontrollable rage. I don't like it. Not for her sake, and not for her kid's sake.  I tell her to get the fuck out of there.  She placates me.  Says that he's only freaking out about me, and wouldn't ever hurt her or the kids.  I'm riled up.  I don't trust that shit at all.  I...I'm protective about people that I care about.  I worry for them.

Weeks go by.  Same story.  Annette and Eric are having daily fights over me being friends with her.  She tells me that she has to make a choice.  I tell her to just not say that we're talking and that's the end of it.

Then a friend of mine dies.  Larry.  The same Larry that Sheena wanted to fuck.  The same Larry that told his g/f, Jess about the Katie shit which ended up getting around and having me lose her as a friend.  That Larry.  He's a plumber and painter.  He hit a patch of ice and rolled on the highway.  He didn't buckle up or secure his gear.  He rattled in his work van with giant metal pipes crashing into him.  He had some sort of massive brain swelling and they had to pull the plug on him within a few hours. I go to his funeral, see Jess, and cry a lot.

This shakes me up really hard.  I was never close with him, I mean he told me private things but we were never super best friends.  We were more video-game friends that chatted a lot.  Plus, all the bad blood made me wary of him.  Still, I was devastated.  I decided that I needed to recommit to myself and work on me. We only have so much time in life . I decide to write a note to Annette.  In it, I tell her that I think she's a good friend, that I care a lot about her, that I'm sorry for the Eric drama, and that I want to work on myself. I want to go to a local gym and wanted to know that, because she always talked to me about being depressed and overweight, if she wanted to be my workout buddy.  We could encourage each other and dig ourselves out of this hellhole.  I type up this paper and keep it in my car - waiting for the right time.

I miss seeing her a few times.  When I see her next, she tells me that she's engaged to Eric.  I'm baffled.  Hurt.  What the hell is this?  He's a bad guy.  I say, 'Are you serious?'  She hold up her ring finger and there's a nice ring on it.  I have never seen someone's face look so broken and shallow in that moment.  It upsets me to the core.  I totally forget about the paper for a few weeks - instead talking to her about the Eric drama.  It continues to escalate.  She tells me that she's only had me as a friend and that she's used to being alone; so maybe we should stop being friends. I'm deeply hurt.  I tell her about a paper that I want to give her that talked about some serious stuff.  It gets put off for whatever reason by her.

Then I get a phone call one day, after work, around 3pm.  It's Annette.  By this time, I had told my g/f that I was friends with Annette and that we had each other's number.  But this was the first time she called me.  I answer and she tells me that we can't be friends anymore because of Eric and that she just wants to stop the fighting that's been going on.  I try to protest for a minute, but then there is a grabbing of the phone: it's Eric.

He talks down to me.  Yells over me.  Tells me that I better stay away from her.  He says that her friendship with me was a total lie and that she never liked talking to me.  He calls me a creep, an asshole, and a freak.  I can't say anything because he's basically yelling into the phone.  Then he hangs up.  Then, I don't know how, but about 5 minutes later Eric texts my g/f and says, 'Maybe if you kept your man satisfied, he wouldn't come looking around for something else.'  My g/f freaks out.  She feels hurt because I told Annette that me and her had an intimacy problem and that it was supposed to be private.  I say I'm sorry and I feel like an asshole.  I just lost a good friend and my g/f is pissed at me for weeks.  It was all so abrupt and painful.  I trusted Annette; more than Katie, more than Sheena.  She was my first good friend I was starting to have since before high-school and my 'fringe-friends'.  I felt betrayed - she choose a guy that admitted he was a stalker, had rage issues, had mental issues, and had uncontrollable jealousy and had nothing in common with her.  She choose THAT over staying friends with a sane, stable, and caring close friend?  And the shit Eric said about never wanting to talk to me - well then why the hell would she seek me out at work?  Why would she talk to me for an hour even though I was trying to leave so I wouldn't get in trouble?  None of this was right.  None of this was fair.  She transferred stores right after.

I was scarred because of that.  Close, intimate friendship stolen away from me. I hated people for a while after that.  My rage skyrocketed whenever I thought of her.  It took over 3 years for me to be ok with even thinking about her.  Only in the past year or two did I even think of her in a different light.  I started to feel that maybe she was nervous about him.  Scared of Eric.  Or that because she was lonely, that she was weak-willed and unwilling to be independent and make the logical choice of being friends with me.  My rage turned slowly, very very very slowly, into pity and disgust.

 

Ends Annette story.  Friendship gets close. Then abrupt abandonment.  Look familiar?

 

----

 

Then one day in the summer, we get a flood.  We lost about 1/3 of what we collectively owned.  For 6 months, we sleep on a futon upstairs in a small room while FEMA and the insurance company give us nothing but grief.  Eventually, it gets solved and someone comes out and rebuilds the cellar for us.

 

After that flood and while rebuilding, I find the blue binder and I have my meltdown - realizing that, yes, since 1st grade; I have hated myself and my life.  I feel utterly alone since the relationship is terrible.  It all culminates:  I realize that with the teacher, I was uncared about, treated like a monster, and nothing I ever did was good enough.  With the bullies, I felt the same thing.  With the new bully in catholic school, the same thing.  The supposed 'friends' that laughed in my face and never stood up for me - same.  With Sheena, same. With Melissa, same.  I always was thought of as ugly, unloved, and that no one understood me.  I amounted to nothing in my life. Since kindergarten, that spark of wanted to be recognized, to be cared about, to be friends, to matter; it manifested itself through games as the alter ego Teros, and it was still alive in me but barely. It was a whisper in a choir.  I always played devil's advocate with myself and other people. I always challenge everyone and everything. I always thought outside the box.  It led to never knowing who I was; what had merit, what I should be or what I wanted to be.  I always wanted to try and do more, to be more, but I was always scared. I dealt my whole life with rejection and that I was a failure- that nothing I ever did was good enough in school, to friends, to family, or in my relationship.  I was depression and anxiety incarnate.  I only wanted to force the world the kinds of pain that I felt.  Stinging pain of rejection and neglect.  At this point, all I ever feel is misery and hatred.  The only time I would smile in the day is when I first got up and went to the bathroom. I would sit there and close my eyes - and think about the world being destroyed. Some sort of apocalyptic event with zombies or disease or animals.  Something where I could witness the world burning and just sit back and enjoy as the human race was wiped out.  That.  That was the only time I smiled - when I fantasized about the world suffering and dying.

 

The point is, I was hate, depression, and anxiety embodied.  With Melissa, I had ballooned up to 360 pounds, had no more friends (Orlando had two kids and disappeared over the past couple years). My ex wouldn't play a game with me. Wouldn't make any time for me. Didn't want to physically be with me. She was always filled with hatred and resentment.  She made me think for her.  The amount of rejection I felt from Melissa is sickening.  We would plan to do something in the bedroom and she would conveinelty forget.  If I brought it up, I was 'bothering' her and would get pissed off.  I brought it up before and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Hey, were we uh... ya know?"

Her: *sigh* "Fine. C'mon."

-I see that she is upset and doesn't want to bother.

Me: "Look, if you don't want to do this then we can do it tomorrow or whenever or-"

Her: "No. I don't want to push it off until tomorrow and feel obligated."

-She walks into the room and crawls on the bed.

Her: "C'mon. Let's go.  Let's get this over with."

-I don't feel comfortable now

Me: "Uhm.. You're all pissed off so can we not do this?  You don't want to bother."

Her: *sigh* "If we don't do something now, you'll just bitch about it tomorrow and I don't want to deal with that."

Me: *now depressed and disgusted at how irritated being with me apparently is* "No I won't. It's fine."

Her: "You SURE? I don't want you bitching about it tomorrow. You don't wanna do this now then it's your own fault and you can't complain to me at all."

Me: ...."Yeah, it's.... fine...."

 

How often did that happen? Once? Twice?

 

Hundreds of times.

---

After finding this blue binder and reevaluating my life, I know that I need to try to lose weight again. I need to try and be happy.  A few month later, my g/f is looking up food recipes and that leads to paleo diet which leads to NF.

 

I come on here and I'm nervous.  I don't know what to say or how to say it.  I make a few friends during my first challenge. I choose the 'Satyr' for a class for a multitude of reasons.  One was that it fit my build.  Another was that Satyrs are part of how religious conversion labeled the devil.  I also, for my entire life, have called myself a 'double-bull' - meaning that I'm a Taurus and I'm also a bull in the Chinese zodiac.  I've always been bull-headed and charged forward.  When I thought of 'satyr', I thought of an almost minotaur-esk class. So it was all in the same vein.

 

I make more friends as I start more NF challenges.  I make progress despite Melissa holding me back.  She offers me junk food and I start declining it.  I work out more. I use a sledgehammer. I make my own gym.  I make more friends. I open up more.  I feel comfortable here.  I start dropping weight - losing from 360 pounds to 350, 340, 330, etc.  As people believe in me, I realize that I'm simultaneously two different people: Old Mike/Dark Passenger, and Teros.

 

Old Mike/Dark Passenger has been the construct that I have been living in for over 20 years.  All the misery.  All the pain.  All the anxiety and depression. The feelings of never being good enough.  Always a failure.  Never doing anything right - being hammered into society to be a certain way, act a certain way, think a certain way.  Miserable, tired, alone, broken, hating everyone and everything.

 

Teros was my ideal.  It was the child back in school before all the destruction happened. Before all the emotional abuse from teachers, bullies, supposed friends, my toxic enmeshed relationship with my g/f, from people that abandoned me.  Teros, as a concept, was who I felt I could be.  Who I should be.  What I can become if I'm just able to be brave enough to do it.  If I can just pull the trigger.  If I can shake free of the cancerous parasite that is Old Mike/Dark Passenger.  If I can do something to break out of this rusty metal cage in my mind; I can be greatness.  This is the person that people start referring to in Private Messages as 'a hero', 'an inspiration', who people consider to be their best friend or only friend, the ones that can confide anything to, the person that has hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

 

This transition from the small dying whisper of Teros in the back of my mind; while Old Mike/Dark Passenger rules; starts shifting.  I realize that Teros is making gains.  He's being believed in.  He's getting his voice.  And this is creating massive amounts of cognitive dissonance.

 

 

Then June 2014 happens.  I help out a little level one and answer some questions. I will refer to her as 'Dream Woman' from now on.  The amount that we share is astronomical.  Hundreds, thousands of pages typed up to each other.  I learn everything about her and she learns everything about me. I feel like there's someone that truly understands me. The connection that I have with her in deep - deeper than I can put into words.  She tells me the things that she wants to do with her life.  She tells me her background.  She tells me her passions. Her interests.  I love every single word of it.  I find an almost eerie amount of commonalities between us.  She's reserved in her head - she doesn't express her emotions.  She keeps it all bottled up inside of her and then that translates into a generalized anxiety.  She drinks calming tea. She uses a sleeping app on her phone.  She goes for walks because she is anxious.  She does yoga.  In essence, she funneled  any and all of her emotions into one strong one that she then constantly was fighting against.  There is a huge disconnect between her head and her heart.  She would say that she doesn't know how to feel or what to feel.

 

All of this makes sense with me. Despite me always being introspective; me playing devil's advocate in my head, I knew that I did that same general thing.  I would try to insert logic and reason into emotion. I would try to justify why/what to do.  I would keep my true self bottled up, because it was easier to do so then to show people who I really was.

 

I explained that I felt like I was trapped in my own head, unable to get free. The Old Mike, The Dark Passenger, was my internalized anxieties, fears, doubts, pain, hatred, and depression.  It kept me bound up and never able to move. I understood her.  Moreso at times than she understood herself.  At one point, she sends me a picture of her face.  My brain lights up.  I was falling for her without even knowing what she looked like.  I didn't care if she lied about how she looked - I didn't care if she had a scar, or burns, or was a 'jumble of features' as she put it.  I was deeply close to her, the real her.  The lasting her.  So when she sent me a picture, I felt a feeling that I never felt in my entire life.  My brain feels on fire. I get goosebumps on the back of my head, neck, arms, back, chest, and legs.  My entire body has this feeling of warmth wash over me.  It's intoxicating.  It's liberating.  It's what I've needed in my life.

 

We eventually meet and it's an odd feeling. It's like we've known each other our whole lives.  There is a bit of reserved feelings on if hugs are ok or what level of closeness is fine.  Within hours, we're completely comfortable next to each other.  I find out later on, that I take her anxiety away - the one emotion that she has bottled up.  She feels safe around me.  Comfortable.  Happy.  And I feel the same with her.  I don't know what to say or do at this point but tell her the truth:  I tell her that I love her.  She has a boyfriend though.  When we part ways, we both end up crying when the other isn't around.  I feel like this is the only thing in my life that matters and I don't know what to do about my current situation with my g/f.

 

Fenway.

 

I face the spartan race.  After my failure at Amnesbury (Link if I remember it*), I decide to try again.  There is a groundwell of support from people on NF.  People are willing to travel to see me, to run with me, to be a part of this experience.  I beat the Fenway spartan ( http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/55919-teros-xii-redemption/?p=1287162).

 

Something transcendent happens at Fenway.  Words can't describe it.  I, for the first time in my life, truly feel like I'm able to be myself. My real self.  I'm completely open and honest.  I feel love from people.  Someone hugs me and says that it feels like the same level of love her own children give her.  Another person says that I changed their life forever. Another tells me that they feel my heart beating against them and it feels good.  Yet another says that I've changed their life more than I'll ever know. Someone tells me that they've trusted me so much and in so little time that it's scary to them.

 

I.... I find my home.  I find my family.  In that weekend, everyone came together.  I realize the most amazing thing in this weekend - I can be Teros.  It's attainable.

 

--

The aftermath:

 

 

I  spiral into a huge depression and according to PMs from people; so did others.  We were so close to each other. We realizing this is what we needed in life and now it was being taken away.  Reality had to come crashing back down.  As such, I came back 'home' to Old Mike's world.  I came back to the 'Dark Passenger's world. I went into Fenway as more Old Mike than Teros.  I came out more Teros than Old Mike.  The scales have finally tipped.  The next few months are pure agony.  I realize because of what has transpired between Dream Woman and Fenway; that I feel that I'm trapped - that I'm in the Old Mike life 'construct' and that something needs to change now.

 

I end my enmeshed toxic relationship of 12 years with my g/f.  She is now my ex.  I can't live this life anymore. I have to be Teros.

 

This has her spiral into an emotional disaster as well, dragging me down with her.  I feel terrible that I have to end this, but at the same time; she treated me lik shit for 12 years and I have little to show for it.  She doesn't want to spend time with me.  She doesn't want to be intimate with me.  She doesn't want to live life outside of work, bitching about work, and eating junk food.  This was Old Mike's life.  This is how I ballooned up to 360 pounds.  This wasn't Teros' life.  I had to break open the locks to this rusted cage.  She was the final lock.

 

She gets possessive, accusing me of things I never did.  She wants to be with me, then hates me and wants nothing to do with me.  We have emotional talks that involve crying for 7 or 8 hours a day, every day, for a few weeks. It's draining and I don't know what to say. I told her for over a decade how I was feeling, what we should do.  She never listened until after I gave up on her.  I'm a double-Taurus for a reason - I don't like to give up on people; even when it hurts me, even when it drags me down too.  I'm too stubborn to quit, so for years I carried a dying relationship on my back while being completely unsatisfied or unfulfilled. Maybe the prayer I made on the train actually did happen and it was actually a curse.  I am miserable and hate my life even more than I have before.  I don't sleep.  I eat junk food. I stat feeling delusional from lack of sleep. I don't work out.  I sit on a couch, the same couch that I start sleeping on (if you can call 4 hours of broken sleep, actually 'sleep').  I can barely come on NF.  I spiral worse and worse.

 

I hit rock bottom. It was 3am and I hadn't slept in days.  I start looking up a suicide watch hospital and want to check myself in.  I tray navigating the site and I can't find the cost of such a thing. After fruitlessly searching for an hour, I break down.  I start sobbing and my eyes are burning.  I tell myself that I'm too stupid to even look up something on a website.  I just keep railing myself and emotionally abusing myself because I literally know nothing else.  I debate just grabbing some clothes and disappearing into the night - not caring about where I go or what I do.

 

This, was my 'Rage' challenge:  http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/60716-teros-14-rage/page-8

 

It was because that is all I felt.  Just like Dream Woman channeling all her emotions into solely anxiety, my was channeled into frustration and rage.  I would beat the shit out of the tractor tire for 100 swings and by the end I wouldn't be able to breathe and I would collapse over the tire in tears, knuckles white from gripping the sledgehammer.  I hated who I was. I hated where I was.  I hated what I was doing with my life.  I hated how I felt manipulated about the current situation because...

 

...While this is happening, I am still talking to Dream Woman.  She wants more and more from me.  She wants assurances.  She doesn't believe me or give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to what I want and need.  An imaginary life plan is drafted.  She admits being attracted to me.  I'm twisted, torn, and pulled apart by all of this.  I think I know what I want.  Then I absolutely know what I want.  I see her again and we share quite a few moments.  Her being with me used to melt away her anxiety.  Now, when she thought of me, she would start to get panic attacks and couldn't calm down.  I told her that it was because she was falling in love with me and it was creating cognitive dissonance.  She's not getting what she needs out of her relationship but she's getting it from me.  She's falling for me and that's not what, by societal standards is what is 'supposed' to happen.  She takes a deep breath and says, "You're probably right about all of this."  We talk more.  We're very close by this point.  I'm brutally honest all the time with her. There's no way that I can't be.  I tell her that me being brave and facing all of my fears in the world, I hope, will help inspire her face her one and only fear *and I point towards her heart*.  She already was finishing the sentence before I completed it.  She understood exactly all of this, but she didn't quite 'feel' it.  She wasn't allowing herself to.  I was facing an already 4-year established relationship with someone that she cared about; and all I could do is try and explain to her what I felt in only a few days time.  4 days versus 4 years?  Emotional stonewalling that I was chipping through in record time.  Her trusting me more quickly than anyone else ever?  This was difficult.  It was terrifying.  I didn't know if I would eventually be hurt. Eventually be rejected.  Eventually have my heart shredded and broken. Emotionally speaking, I was a salmon swimming upstream.

 

But I had to try. I couldn't look back on these moments and tell myself, "What if?"  I had to, despite all odds, still charge forward. Ever the taurus. Ever the satyr.  I had to be Teros with this instance.

 

We continue to talk while all of this disaster is happening at home.  I'm a complete fucking mess.  I feel pulled in every direction and nothing feels set in stone.  I am a man on a frozen lake with ice that is splintering.

 

---

 

Then everything hits me all at once.

 

My ex, in her rage, wants nothing to do with anyone in her life.  She wants to cut ties with MsBooty, a person that long-time readers know about but for this story is in the background.  She was a good friend to my ex and I.  After the split, she disappeared.  I didn't want her to get stuck in the cross-fire.  My ex also wants nothing to do with her old store that she worked at (the same store MsBooty and I worked at).  My ex transfers stores and is happier there. She learns how to drive. And she gets a car.  The transfer, driving, and car could be fleshed out into stories filled with pages of drama.  Just know that she fought me every step of the way in these things and then admitted that this is what she should have done.  The cutting of people out of her life was all her call.

 

I see Dream Woman one last time.  She tells me that she has been agonizing about this decision for a long time but she's made it: she's choosing to stay with her b/f.  I'm devastated.  I don't want to go into detail about just how soul-crushing all of this is, honestly.  The person that I thought I wanted to be with my entire life was not willing to be brave and give me a chance.  She never gave me a chance.  She'll tell herself that she did but over the course of all of this; I can cite quite a few examples of her never believing in me; never giving me the benefit of the doubt, not trusting my word when she had no reason not to trust me.

 

Lastly in this time period is a blast from the past: Annette.

 

When my ex transferred stores, guess who she started working with?

 

As I was emotionally dealing with Annette, I told myself that once I lost the weight and bettered myself; I wanted to see her one last time - just to clear the air, put things to rest, and physically show her that I'm better.  I would confront her and tell her that she was weak, and that she made a mistake by not staying friends with me.

 

My ex and Annette met face to face and were pleasant enough.  Annette was actually nice to my ex.  Annette said to my ex that I, "had a very strong personality."  I don't even know what the fuck that's supposed to mean.  I ask my ex a couple weeks later to talk to Annette more and find out what the fuck she's talking about.  Annette also say that she's not with Eric anymore.  She needed to do what was right for her children.

Then, weeks ago, Annette is quitting and moving about 2 hours away.  I'll never see her again.  I'm torn.  I wanted to lose more weight, look better, be able to tell her that I got better.  I never gave her that letter if you remember.  I wanted to tell her what I wrote in it - that I wanted to be better with Annette and that she pissed away that chance.  With Eric gone, maybe we can bury the hatchet - not necessarily be friends but put this past us, have her know how I felt about the whole thing, and then that's it.

Then a week later I find out a ton of news.  Kerri is my ex's new boss and they're friends.  Kerri was friends with Annette when she first transferred to this new store.  A year ago, when my ex covered and was at the store (for like 2 days), Annette admitted to Kerri that she was nervous about my ex moving to the store.  Annette 'didn't want the drama' of dealing with my ex.  Then Annette said that the reason was because me and Annette were good friends, but my ex was jealous of our friendship.

Wait... what?  That's not what happened.  It wasn't my ex that was the issue. It was Eric.  What's going on here?

Then some more side-drama that is relevant:  Kerri and this guy Dean were dating but in secret.  Annette and Kerri, along with some other girls, had lunches together and gabbed about shit.  Dean always told Kerri, 'you have to be careful who you talk to and what you say'.

Annette found out about this 'Dean' business and complained to the stores about it, brought it to light, and told Carla, who told Dick, who told everyone.  So it became public knowledge and Annette wanted everyone to know this info.  Why?  Stay tuned.

Another side note: Annette would start talking down to Kerri when Kerri was trying to help her.  Annette was a loose canon and would accuse Kerri of random bullshit.  She would scream at Kerri and it got to the point that management said for Kerri to put Annette in her place or management was going to have to fire Annette.  Their friendship ended.

Any of this making sense yet? It shouldn't.  It's a clusterfuck with weird motives.

Then Annette went to grab the drawer for florist and said to my ex (in front of Kerri), 'Oh, how come you don't do the cash office stuff. You're great at it."  Basically trying to start shit between my ex and Kerri/her boss.  That's when Kerri explained all this background drama.

Kerri told my ex about all the previous drama and what really happened with Eric:

Eric never stalked Annette. He never proposed. Eric, Annette, and her ex-bf were all friends.  When Annette talked shit about her b/f and split up, she dated Eric.  However, there was no engagement.  Eric was apparently a sweet guy - everyone loves him.  He would go into the store and be friendly with everyone.  Annette kept pawning off her kids to Eric though.  He grew resentful - these aren't his kids.  Then Annette cheated on Eric with her ex-b/f.  She was supposed to get a new place with Eric but ended up getting it with her ex.  Annette broke Eric's heart in all of this.  That's what happened after the 'phone call' and that is the apparent truth behind all of this shit.

According to Kerri, Annette is a drama-whore.  She loves to make things intense in order to get attention.  The ratting on Kerri and Dean?  It's because she wanted to witness the fallout and drama from it.  It's why Dean told Kerri to be 'careful' what to say.  He was referring to Annette.  Kerri's guess is that Annette was lying to me and to Eric the whole time, pitting us against each other so she could enjoy the drama unfold.  She was also never suicidal.  And she had tons of friends - not just me.

So this whole time, I had been slowly starting to pity her instead of feeling betrayed.

 

Now...?  I'm just overwhelmingly hurt by this shit.  It's like carving open an old wound that only started to heal in the past year or so. Some of this shit just doesn't add up as something normal humans would do.  Is any of this exaggerated?  How can I trust what Kerri says?  Where does the truth lie in all of this?  I wanted to confront Annette face-to-face, bring up all the accusations, and see what she would do.  Would she admit to being a piece of shit?  Would she backpedal?  How would she take me telling her that I was truly hurt and betrayed by her?

A lot of people think that Annette is great.  They don't know any of this - either story version.  I wanted to get the truth.  I wanted to expose her, knock her down a peg.  I wanted some form of fucking justice for this asshole.  It's why I didn't know what to do or how to do it.  All of this information was way too much and way too soon, with a deadline that could mean a made a mistake in either direction.  I didn't want to come to the conclusion that I should have faced her, but missed my chance.  I didn't want to be rash and face her, and be left with more drama that would bleed over.  There's 'maybes' in all of this.
 

I open myself up and people run away in fright or deceive me for their own sick amusement.  I don't get close to people often, but this is what I get to look forward to?

 

---

 

Lastly, my ex finally moves out; which all of you know.

 

Looking back on all of this:

 

Everyone in my life has made me feel like I'm broken. Like I'm not good enough.  That I have to prove myself. All this time on NF, part of me thinks that everyone on NF secretly hates me and doesn't really think I'm their friend.  Old Mike, The Dark Passenger, tells me that everyone/everything on NF is a fucking lie and that I don't really matter to anyone; that I'm just some sort of fucking pawn to be messed with, and the no one wants to be my friend. Or if they do, they'll eventually abruptly abandon me and I'll be alone.  No one will ever think about me with any fondness - only contempt and disgust.

 

Enter Project Phoenix

 

Every since Fenway, I felt like I was Teros trapped in the Dark Passenger's world.  That I needed to be free from all of this.   This has been boiling for over 8 months and been kept a secret this entire time. Until today. Until now.

 

I explained how I was like Icarus and that I fell from the sun after Fenway: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/58385-teros-xiii-icarus/

 

I explained that I was full of bitterness and rage as I continued to fall to rock bottom: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/60716-teros-14-rage/page-8

 

However the last couple of challenges have been very vague.  All of this has been vague because I didn't know how exactly to say all of this.  It's not easy to admit in a public space all of your fears, doubts, and raw emotions.  This, all of this Project, is in essence; a mental spartan race.  Not a sprint. Not a super. A Beast.

 

As I continued to hit bottom, I kept promising that something would happen at some point.  I titled my threads appropriately.  They were both based on Project Phoenix: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/63028-teros-xv-the-purge/http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/65699-teros-xvi-mystery/page-6

 

A purge and a mystery project.  Even here I have been vague until tonight.

 

I have been so fucking awful my entire life as Old Mike, as the Dark Passenger. It was inescapable.  For over 25 years, I have been like this and I didn't know how to get free. I didn't know how to embrace my ideal.  I didn't know how to just let go of the situation.  After Fenway, when I felt like I was split in two; I knew that I needed a dramatic example to prove to myself, deep down in my soul, that I was going to be Teros.  That I was going to end this old pathetic excuse for a life for good; and embrace a brighter future.  One where I have a second family. One where I have people that love and care about me.  One that I know will be created for better.

 

store2_zpsl2vkxmzj.jpg

 

store1_zpskpjadcln.jpg

 

So for months I have been going through everything I own.

 

I took out important papers, like tax information. Some cards.  I asked myself, "If I were to leave a legacy for other people; what would I want remembered?"  Should I want the valentine's day card from Sabrina in 3rd grade be remembered? It's a memory, but no.  Should I keep the vhs tapes of different shows that I love? No.  Should I keep the different clothes that I used to love and wear when I was in between sizes?  No.

 

 

On 6/26/2015 at 11:13 AM, Teros said:

 

Legacy:

 

In my tumultuous state, I have been thinking a lot about legacy.  What it is and why it matters.  I've had a tonal shift in my thinking compared to the past few weeks. I was getting frustrated today as I was doing some cleaning. Sitting on the floor with a whole host of stuff around me, I was hit with a wave of emotions.  It went from frustration, to depression, to panic, to anger, to resolution.

 

I haven't changed my mind on what I'm planning, but I have changed just how important it is to me.  Has there been a point in your life when you feel really anxious or scared and it builds up more and more until suddenly something in your psyche snaps and you go, "Why the fuck am I like this?" and you just go ahead and push forward?  That's where I'm at right now.

 

Fear has been the reason I haven't lived my life.  I got a message as I was kicking things around in my head and I had to leave the house and drive.  I decided that I needed some fresh air and kept driving after I did my errand.  Blasting music, I took stock in what has been going on with me the past week and also the past few months. That sense of....holistic resolution came over me.  Instead of being angry at the items or things, I became angry at myself. I became angry at my motivation.  I became angry at my weakness.  I was angry at my doubts and fears.  I challenged them.

 

When I got home about an hour later, I decided to write this and I'm about to continue working on my mystery event.  I have a tonal shift.  What memory or legacy would this leave? What would this mean to me in 6 months? 6 years? On my deathbed?  I've been having these weird flashes of the future in my head.  Alternative realities, choices made and how that splinters into an infinite amount of other possibilities.  Then I looked back on where I have been and it's all just so... tragic.

 

I don't hate myself; I hate what I was and what I represented in life. I need to represent something else.  This is my evolution. If I don't do this, I'll die.  Actions speak louder than words and my actions leading up to this point have been pitiful.

 

I have a lot of work to do.

 

 

 

What do I want to keep? What even matters to me?

 

I wrote about my bookcase - my display of what made me who I am:

 

0001111_zpsq42kqwb4.jpg

I took a couple things and tipped it over.

001_zpseumcxelm.jpg

 

I went through an agonizing amount of time to sort every single paper that I owned.  I dumped those.  Magazines. School papers. Memories.

0_zpsp3ywklub.jpg

I dropped my old comics I read when I was a child.

 

1_zpsiupjjlng.jpg

I put my old videogames that let me live out the fantasy of wanting to be a hero.

 

2_zpsqohq0exm.jpg

 

 

 

I did not want the blankets that were shared with my ex.

3_zpst8jclzek.jpg

 

 

I don't want the decorations that I used to use.

 

4_zpsju9wyimd.jpg

 

I don't want the posters that I loved.

 

5_zpsrfpb55hy.jpg

 

I can't bear to deal with the vhs tapes or dvds that I used to watch.

6_zpswyjbkzxu.jpg

 

More papers.

 

7_zpsm3gwj6lo.jpg

 

More tapes.

 

8_zpsiukqsju4.jpg

More decorations. More games.

 

8games_zpsdlqqpwzr.jpg

 

All of them countless memories that I have been building up for my entire life.  I didn't want them.  I didn't want Old Mike anymore.  I didn't want my Dark Passenger.  I don't want the memories that made me hate myself.

 

9stuff_zpsqmldiuxk.jpg

 

I am done being used as a pawn. I am done being rejected. I am done feeling I need to prove someone to anyone.  I am done feeling broken.  I am sick of being lost.  I am tired of twisting in the wind and catering.  I am not breaking my back for others.  I am not yielding who I am anymore. I am not compromising anything about who I want to be - who I am - Teros.

 

10clothes_zpswjqyfwdj.jpg

I'm so fucking sick of being the embodiment of depression and anxiety.  That's not me anymore.  That never was me.  That was a mask - a mask that was forced upon me. That was latched onto my face with steel rivets and crushed my spirit and my will to live.  I'm not living with that metal mask anymore.  I'm not living in a shadow because I'm too scared to face my fears. 

 

11papers2_zps7qdmbxxf.jpg

 

I used to never drive more than 5 miles away from my house. I used to stutter when talking to a woman.  I used to never try any kinds of different foods. I used to hate things just at face value.  I used to blindly and savagely want to tear down others and the world. I wanted to watch the world burn. I wanted to be the cause of it burning. I hated all life and everyone that ever stood for joy. I was completely The Darkness.  I am not that anymore.

 

12furn_zpskqsy8jk7.jpg

 

13posters_zpsdozubzfr.jpg

 

14posters_zpspotqgapy.jpg

 

15couch_zps8eq5jmq1.jpg

 

tapes_zpsezluhy4i.jpg

Instances with my family, my friends, betrayers, liars, scum; they all brought me down and made me wallow in the muck with them.

 

 

No more.  NO MORE.  I did what I had to do - I did what was screaming inside my head.  Teros has to come out and I couldn't think of any other way to do it.

 

1burn_zpshuvyrqrq.jpg

 

I destroyed my old life.

 

 

I took all of those items. Those clothes, blankets, comics, tapes, cds, books, papers, games, memories, furniture; and I fucking burned them all.

 

3BURN_zpsca2dokze.jpg

Back when I said:

 

 

On 6/14/2015 at 7:33 PM, Teros said:

 

Old Mike/Subconscious/Dark Passenger knows time is up.  So in a last ditch effort, I'm having these panic attacks.  Why on earth would I regret making friends? Helping people? Getting close to others?  What negativity have I been sowing?  None!  And yet that panic attack from the other day and the other one I just had are exactly that.  From the 'bad guy' perspective, what I'm doing is awful. What I'm doing is creating unforeseen consequences that are somehow ruining people's lives.

 
Because this is the next-to-last stage, my friends.  In the movies when the good guy is about to deal the killing blow on the villain, and the villain puts a hand up and pleads.  The bad guy says, "But, but, I can give you fame. Power. Money. Women. Whatever you want!  We can rule this land together and yadda yadda yadda."
 
Then the good guy hesitates, lowers their weapon for a split second; like somehow they might take the villain up on the offer...
 
What happens next?  The good guy proves they are true and the death blow is dealt and the villain is no more.
 
That is happening inside my f*cking brain.
 
I guess I can be a little less vague about the 'mystery' that is happening (but still not explaining more than needed). This 'event' is something that I have thought about for months. Something that, I feel, in my mind, will seal The Dark Passenger's fate.  And these panic attacks are the last ditch effort, the pleas from the blackest recesses of my mind, trying to, in the death throes, to have me revert back.
 
Everyone, this is really f*cking hard for me to deal with.  I'm at that pivotal point; the one where the hero hesitates and lowers the weapon to contemplate for just a moment.
 
And this is the reason that I know I can't back down with my plan.  The simple fact that something in my brain is screaming, "NO!  DON'T!  JUST GO BACK TO YOUR OLD SELF!" is proof positive that I not only should do this, but that I need to do this.  I will strike down the wicked.  I promise.

 

I waited. I held my weapon and listened to the one last chance from the enemy, Old Mike, The Dark Passenger.

 

And I fucking pulled the trigger.

 

I burnt all of it down.

 

4burn_zpsw10knbbj.jpg

 

THIS IS WHAT HAD TO HAPPEN. THIS IS WHAT WAS BOILING IN MY MIND. THIS WAS ALL I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO THINK ABOUT FOR 8 MONTHS NOW.  AND I'VE FINALLY DONE IT.  I HAVE TAKEN DOWN THE DARK PASSENGER. I HAVE BURNED HIM WITH THE LIGHT.  THIS, THIS HERE, IS THE DEATH OF OLD MIKE. HE NEEDED A BURIAL, AND THIS IS HIS FUNERAL PYRE.

 

5burn_zpsp9wxetec.jpg

 

I will not be denied anymore. 

 

6burn_zpswbsxzxtz.jpg

 

I'm not that broken little boy that was terrified underneath the bench in school that was made to feel like I didn't matter - that I was worthless and wrong.  I am a man, goddamn it.  And I'm taking what I want and need in this world.

 

7burn_zpsjlocmnxs.jpg

 

I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER.

 

I KNOW THAT I DESERVE BETTER.

 

SO I WILL MAKE BETTER.

 

I will swim through the ashes of the old life and rise like a Phoenix.  I burnt down the bridge to my old life.  The only way is forward.  I've lost 70 pounds. I've gone from wall pushups to 50 pushups.  I've gone from 5 minutes with a small sledgehammer, to wielding something only construction workers can use. I beasted for over 4 hours in a spartan, then had the courage to face the fear again and I beat a spartan.  I faced love and rejection. Pain and sadness.  I've been brave and gone outside my comfort zone with people, places, foods, activities.  I've taken any of the knowledge from my past life and am moving forward.  I've learned everything I can gain from it.  It serves no more purpose.  I will stumble, and I may fall; but I am never going backward. I'm never being treated like I have been treated in the past.

 

2burn_zpswnttudat.jpg

 

 

8burn_zpswf4r9mrr.jpg

 

I said I would strike down the wicked. That I would smite the Injustice.  I have done it.  Everything leading up to this point has been Old Mike and Teros batting each other. No more. I am now whole. I am now free...

 

You, all of you, I love you all more than you can ever imagine.  You gave me my life back.  You gave me the strength to become who I've always been all along. Through sharing and reading and experiencing parts of my life with all of you; I am a better person. I'm who I dreamed about, who I wished I could hopefully one day become. 

 

You can call me the satyr, you can call me the taurus, the rpg fanatic, you can call me a phoenix.  One thing that you will be known as from now on though, at long last, I am finally whole, I am free:

TEROS

 

Tomorrow is the first day of forever

Tomorrow is the first day of forever

 

-In order to have strength of steel, you must be forged in fire -

  • Like 9
Link to comment

okay, I admit I was kinda scared there for a while wondering what you had planned. In truth, I have done the same kind of thing, only less extreme and no fires were involved. Since the divorce I have been eliminating pretty much everything from my old life and reinventing myself. I just did it over a period of time and without flames, although I do admit to smashing a lot of dishes at one point.  I own almost nothing today except for my piano, bed, two chairs, one table, one dresser and my fabulous car. Even the old family pictures are gone, because no one wanted them (not even the kids, too many bad memories). But I had to let go of everything from the old life to make room for the new, better life.

You still have a long journey ahead of you. It will be amazing.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I am so excited for your journey to be Teros and just Teros. You are right when you realize you don't hate yourself but hate the circumstances that you've had to endure, that Old Mike had to endure. You ARE more than that. You ARE amazing. And you DO deserve the best. You've endured some crappy people in your life. Lots of people are shit. Actually they're just broken shells. But that's their business to fix, not yours. You need to work on you and get what you need out of life. And I am glad you can share it with us and we can be there with you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Race: Amazonian Ogre Princess | Class: Ranger | Profession: SuperHero | Affiliation: Doodlie and Pancake for Life

Respawn Challenge Arcs: 2021 | 2022

 

I am not saying I am Wonder Woman. I am just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman together in the same room.

 

Original Spawn Challenges 2014 - 2020: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 789, 10, 11, 12 , 131415, 1617181920, 21, 2223242526272829303132, 33, 3435, 36??

Roadmaps: 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020

Starting weight = 290.4 (2014); Current weight = 241.2; Total pounds lost: 49.2

Link to comment

Also, after reading through this, don't just hit a 'like' on what someone else wrote.  Please let me know your genuine reaction.

Honestly? The reaction came with the photos as the narration was hitting a climax. Once you started piling stuff on top of the bookcase I was like "Oh shit he's gonna set them on fire"

 

*more things piled up*

 

"OMG he's really gonna do it"

 

*photos of stuff on fire*

 

FUCK YEAH! *wrecks computer and work desk*

 

 

Deftona said it best, enjoy the new you. This has been building on for a long while and oddly enough I feel like I've got a bit of skin in the game after reading all your updates and PMing you. You mentioned giving Old Mike a burial, I'll flip the coin around and mention giving the Phoenix Teros a (re)birth through fire. There is no birth without a certain amount of pain involved. But it's necessary

3-Fight-Club-quotes.gif

Technically, in Fight Club terms this would be the moment where the Narrator blew up his old IKEA apartment

 

Other than that, I really feel like I do after watching a profound movie or theater performance. I need to give it time to sink in. To realize what went down. To think about it. I wish you all the best and once again, you know we're here for you

 

Love ya brotha

  • Like 3
Link to comment

You are a true inspiration, Teros, and after reading your story I know that no one will ever be able to tell you differently again.

You have been forged in more fires than most of us have ever known. You are stronger than a katana, my friend. I can't wait to see what you do next - we're all right here with you.

  • Like 2

Valkyrie Assassin/Adventurer

Epic Quest

Current Challenge:

Previous Challenges: 1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th

Link to comment

Holy Shit! Now put all that drama bullshit head crap behind you and forge a new path where you define who you are. You make the rules now on how someone can treat you, you make the rules on if a person is worthy of your time and affection, you make the rules on what is important to you. It is a scary thing being in control of your life.....you are in charge of your success.

Welcome to the revolution....there is no spoon.

  • Like 3

Level 36 Ranger Sorcerer 

 

Current challenge 

 

 

 

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

New here? Please check out our Privacy Policy and Community Guidelines