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Asuka

[B00024228] Jumun gains strengths to fight back

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After I spent the last six weeks in the forest with the Druids, learning to calm my inner torments and to control my emotions better, it's time to focus on the physical again - time to get physically strong, while continuously practicing my mental good habits. Because being strong is better than being weak. (I know, this is deep. Ha.)

 

Let's get strong!

 

And since I'm in a House MD binge period, let's this challenge be House-themed. 

 

Everybody lies.

So do I. So I will set measurable goals, and measure and POST. I will disclose to the world what I am doing - the good and the BAD, and it will be painful. But it will show that I am accountable, that I am doing something. I will create posts for weekly results. Goal is to post every Monday (KST).

 

Life is Pain.

So I will hurt. Let's be ready to live with this pain rather than fear it. Because fearing pain is what prevented me from doing things so far. I'm excellent at watching life unfold, but I'm fearful of stepping up and getting hurt. NO MORE. Goals will be hard. I will hurt. There will be pain. Because life is full of difficulties. But we cannot control difficulties, we can only control our reaction to the difficulties. No more whining and postponing and more living!

 

Nothing's ever right.

So I will fail. I will eat that cake, miss that workout. But it's okay. What I will NOT do is gilt-trip me for that imperfection. I will expect it, rejoice when and if it doesn't come, but I will stop trying to be perfect. Just try to reach hard goals and do my best to reach them. And recognize that failing while doing my best is incomparably better than not trying. 

 

To put it in other words, from Humans of New York: â€œI used to be 300 lbs. I thought that when I lost all the weight, a light switch would suddenly flip on and I’d be driven and inspired. [Now I've lost the weight] but the self-judgment just shifted. Sometimes when I’m jogging, I’ll see a woman who is fitter than me, and I’ll think: ‘No matter how much I run, I’ll never look like that.’ It’s the same voice in my head as before. Only difference is now I’m better at telling it to shut the fuck up.â€

 

Doing things changes everything. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were. 

 

So let's change! Let's try, do new things, suffer a little, measure the results. And be happy about the process, embrace the experience. Let's go!

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Week 1 - Goals

 

I want EVERYTHING to change. Magically. Marvelously. And painlessly. Hum, likelihood: 0.000000001%. More than the likelihood of getting PNH (1.3 per million or 0.00013%). I need to remind myself to pick small changes, not crazy drastic ones. 

 

As usual, a lot of my goals will revolve around having a healthier life and eating more fruits versus chocolate. For this challenge, a lot of the emphasis will go into observing. There will be no theoretical restriction on food - Paleo preferred but not compulsory - and the daily limit will be in points. For exercise, I observed over the past few weeks and if I don't have a pretty clear schedule, I just go the easy route (haha, for a lazy person like me I'm not surprised!). As for sleeping, it's more a kick in the butt which I need. "GO TO BED" and "WAKE-UP!!!!" will be needed. 

 

For accountability I'm setting up a whole lot of indicators (% food eaten for breakfast or snacking, etc.), but no rule to be respected and no shaming. If I have a bad day and want to spend all my points on chocolate, then I can - as long as I eat broccoli the rest of the time!

 

So here are my 5 goals! 

 

- Food: Eat whatever you want. Within 26 WW points (and 49 weekly reserve). I know I can measure myself better if I can eat a little of what I want and the most painless method for me is to count points. I'll have a food tally everyday (Yaaaaay. Or not). +5 WIS (A= average below 26, B = average between 26 and 30, Fail otherwise)

 

- Exercise: Given the dance classes and how other students have now taken to mock me (I'm the worst student), I'm thinking I might need to practice more. So Tuesday and Thursday mornings will be dedicated to dance practice (unless dance practice has not started yet!). Mondays and Wednesdays will be strength training and Friday cardio (preferably HIIT, but level 3 cardio will do the trick). +3 CHA (A=5, B=4.5, C=4, F<4)

 

- Sleep: Turn off TV / PC / phone at 10pm, be in bed by 10:20pm and asleep by 11:10pm (50 min reading!). And be out of bed by 6:20am. These are the rules Mon through Fri. More liberty applies to weekends, but 7 hours of sleep are required. +3 CONS (A=5, B=4.5, C=4, F<4)

 

- Meditate: Meditate 7 times a week. Preferably once a day, but weekly comp is allowed (resets on Mon). This will be made easier by the Calm app I just downloaded. +1 CONS (Pass / fail)

 

- Be accountable: POST RESULTS ONLINE. That's right. Pass or FAIL!!!! I will also do weekly measurements on Tuesday and posts these as well. +1 WIS (Weekly posting / update, pass / fail)

 

I'll see how it goes and if I need to change or accommodate goals to fit life (e.g., if I get sick or something), but right now it looks doable (except for the fact that it's 4:50pm and I'm already over my 26 points allowance for the day haha). 

 

Let's start this new 6WC. I'll have fear (I am already afraid, both of succeeding and of NOT succeeding), but I'll do my best to get over it!

 

Week 1 - Starting measures! 

 

"No shaming" is one of the rules of this challenge. So I'll post here the numbers which frighten me the most and I won't judge. I will just observe.

 

Current (07/28)

Weight: 77.9kg

Fat %: 32.5%

 

Ultimate goal:

Weight: 60.0kg

Fat %: 22.0%

 
Remaining:

Weight: 17.9kg

Fat %: 10.5%

 

Reminder to put things in perspective:

Max weight (measured): 94.4kg

Max fat % (measured): 38.6%

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Week 2 - Measures

 

Morning weight-in puts me at 78.5kg, which can only be attributed to my family visiting. So I'll compensate today and will take into account tomorrow's weight as the official anchor. 

 

Current (08/07)

Weight: 78.0kg

Fat %: 33%

 

Ultimate goal:

Weight: 60.0kg

Fat %: 22.0%

 
Remaining:

Weight: 18kg

Fat %: 13%

 

Overall week 1 went rather well:

 

Food: 218 points out of a maximum allowed of 231. This was damaged by the fact that I am using a lot of "free" food and then eating lost of junk food on the side. But it is a good start - and the habit of counting food and noting it is good per se. 

Exercise: Started off as a rocket!!!!!! Lots of good workouts, including 2.5 circuits of BBWW. Became harder with more work. 

Sleep: Good early on. Right now I sleep on the floor in a small room because my family is visiting, so I want nothing less than going to bed. Plus Friday nights are still difficult - I'm always super tired, but I want to actually do something so I still don't sleep. Coupled with having to wake up at 5am on Saturday morning led to a state of sleep deprivation. I will do better!!!

Meditate: Done 5 days. I think I will drop the obligation from 7 to 5 days as this is difficult - and meditating twice in a row is useless. I need to really get into the habit - but this needs to be done at consistent times of days. 

Be accountable: Perfect: I updated both my sheet and the thread well.

 

Overall I will grade week 1 as A-, with the food and the sleep weighing the week down. I'll have to do much better on that in the weeks to come as they are my weakest points, especially when I'm stressed at work. 

 

OVERALL ASSESSMENT: Do better and stop letting work distract you from what matters in life!!!!

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Week 3 - Measures

 

This was the week from Hell. 

 

Work sucked. Workout sucked. My mood sucked. I ate EVERYTHING IN SIGHT and then cooked if food was not readily available. Then I hurt my neck and was unable to move or workout at all. In fact, without painkillers I wasn't up for much.

 

Silver lining: a terrific olive bread recipe. 

 

I have not had the courage to weight myself. I think a Friday weighting will give me time to adjust. And since I weighted myself on a Friday last week it will be good.

 

Hope this week will get better!!!

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Week 4 - Measures

 

Week 4 was marred by absolute heartache, whose sick silver lining was my total inability to eat, resulting in a terrible weight loss in such a short time. I spend time checking my blood sugar and eating sugar coated candy to maintain it at a healthy level. 

 

Current (08/21)

Weight: 74.6kg

Fat %: 31.4%

 

Ultimate goal:

Weight: 60.0kg

Fat %: 22.0%

 
Remaining:

Weight: 14.6kg (18.9% achieved)

Fat %: 9.4%

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Week 5 - Measures

 

Funny how life works. 

 

As I look back on the different parts of my challenge, I notice that of course the diet part is the hardest. But my recent difficulties eating (not feeling hungry, or feeling nauseated as I eat, or having strong stomach pains) helped me curb my food intake, which resulted in unexpected compensation from one week to another: Overall I can now grade my diet to a Solid B+ overall, stemming from tow A+ for week 4 and the beginning of week 5 (although it's only Wednesday). 

 

On the workout front, despite incredible tiredness, I am now working out twice a day. On top of the dance class days, in the evening I now workout on my bike for 30 to 45 min (although I don't impose a harsh rhythm and I'm careful with my knees). If I don't, I can't sleep. My minds keeps on moving around and I'm tossing and turning around for hours. If I exercise, I'm sooooo tired when I go to bed that I just fall asleep, instantaneously. I'm later awaken with a rush as anxiety hits me, but for the first few hours at least, I'm happy and tranquil. I was easily able to comp for missed workouts in the past - that's the positive side. The negative is that I need to be careful not to overtrain. 

 

The lack of sleep is starting to be an issue. But for the moment I'm surviving. This is thanks to napping on the weekend. On weekdays... it's mostly caffeine and then going to bed early and exhausted. 

 

I meditate everyday, sometimes several times if I need a pick me up in the middle of the day. The only problem is that I started a new program called the 21 days of calm and some of the meditation lessons teach you to not worry about emotions, not judge your feelings, etc. but has the opposite effect on me. Yesterday was the session about observing emotions rather than succumbing to them and I almost had a panic attack during the practice - not sure this is sustainable. But if I do them while working it's okay, even if I don't reap the full benefits. 

 

Weight and % fat to be updated on Friday! 

 

Current (08/28): TBC

Weight: xxxkg

Fat %: xxxx%

 

Ultimate goal:

Weight: 60.0kg

Fat %: 22.0%

 
Remaining: (TBC)

Weight: xxxkg (xxx% achieved)

Fat %: xxx%

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Week 6 - Measures

 

Current (09/06):

Weight: 72.6kg

Fat %: 30.1%

 

Ultimate goal:

Weight: 60.0kg

Fat %: 22.0%

 
Remaining: (TBC)

Weight: 12.6kg (30% achieved)

Fat %: 8.1%

 

 

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End of Week 6 - Challenge evaluation and results

 

This challenge has been... challenging. I went through a heart-breaking time, and my body is still reeling from the physical consequences of the heart break.

 

I am better now, although I still have no idea what I will do with my life, even if I still can't eat too much. I know this technically helps with eating less, but I wish I wouldn't feel that way.

 

I was ok with working out, but Cardio only, I haven't felt strong enough for strength training.

 

Meditation helps but I wish I could sleep more.

 

I'm now thinking of my next 6WC!

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Life is Pain.

So I will hurt. Let's be ready to live with this pain rather than fear it. Because fearing pain is what prevented me from doing things so far. I'm excellent at watching life unfold, but I'm fearful of stepping up and getting hurt. NO MORE. Goals will be hard. I will hurt. There will be pain. Because life is full of difficulties. But we cannot control difficulties, we can only control our reaction to the difficulties. No more whining and postponing and more living!

 

I think this is the best thing I could have read today. Thanks a lot! I completely agree with this... Many times, we are so afraid of failing, of getting hurt, of paying the price that we don't even try. But failures, pains and sacrifices are a vital part of life. "The road to success is paved with failure", indeed.

Good luck, my friend! I wish you success and look forward to hear (or read) about your results!

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I think this is the best thing I could have read today. Thanks a lot! I completely agree with this... Many times, we are so afraid of failing, of getting hurt, of paying the price that we don't even try. But failures, pains and sacrifices are a vital part of life. "The road to success is paved with failure", indeed.

Good luck, my friend! I wish you success and look forward to hear (or read) about your results!

Hi Aluado!

 

I'm happy to see that you will be trying along with me! We will be stronger if we try - even if we fail! 

 

Feel free to drop a line if you need any encouragement - I'll find your thread too!!

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Subbing!!  I loved House for most seasons in part because he does just cut through the social BS and avoids platitudes.  Better to be realistic and prepare for the difficulties in making important life changes!!

 

enhanced-buzz-21692-1337636512-6.jpg

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Subbing!!  I loved House for most seasons in part because he does just cut through the social BS and avoids platitudes.  Better to be realistic and prepare for the difficulties in making important life changes!!

 

enhanced-buzz-21692-1337636512-6.jpg

HAHAHAHA!!!1

 

I love Boy Meets World!!!! I'll get tough!!!!

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Fun update!

 

I am taking dance lessons and this month we learnt an incredibly hard dance!

 

And I was terrible but it was a LOAD of fun! 

 

So for my family to be able to see me doing these awesome moves before I forget them, a friend is going to help me film myself so that I can send them the video!!! 

I am terribly self-conscious so this is incredibly crazy, but I don't care! I want to push my boundaries and fun with friends and family is definitely the way to go!  :peaceful:

 

Also, I'm happy to report that mid-week weight-in put the needle at 76.9! ^_^

 

WOOOOOOOOOT!!!!

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New dance starts tonight! 

 

I'm happy about it because lately in my life there has not been too much fun, due to an insufferable boss, too much work and a visit from my family leading to high calories, low sleep and general happiness tempered by the fact that I have so much work I cannot spend enough time with them and when I am spending time with them I'm in a terrible mood. 

 

I need to manage my feelings and my reactions to my feelings better. 

 

In the meantime, let's go to work! 

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I'm used to saying "I was a fearful child" to justify my not doing anything new, not trying new things. 

 

But I wasn't a fearful child. Actually, I was taking so bat-crap crazy risks, whether opening the windows on my own or staying up late to read under the cover with a flashlight. 

 

Then one day I retired inside of myself and decided I didn't want to come out again. I am now struggling against that built instinct that things outside of my comfort zone are not worth it. Mostly because it scared the heck out of me. 

 

I feel very strongly other people's emotions, especially the negative ones, when directed at me. Several times I've been shamed at the gym for being the "fat chick". I don't think, even if I'm anorexic-thin that I will ever forget these words or the feeling that overcame me upon hearing them. A couple of weeks ago, some girls at the back of the studio where I'm taking dance classes were making fun of me because I'm terrible. No doubt, I am terrible. I am painfully aware of that. (For my defense it was a really hard dance that month.) They said so in Korean, obviously unaware that I understood what they were saying. I went home feeling dejected. 

 

Now I LOVE dance class. I love every single song we learn and although it IS too hard for me and my body is sooo sore afterwards, I am enjoying it. Unless it's a life-or-death situation, I never miss a class (even if I have to go back to work afterwards at 9pm). So after being insulted, I went home, and I practiced. I practiced enough not to be the worst student in the class, but not too much to kill the fun out of it. And by the end of the month, I was able to do the movements and I was NOT the worst dancer in the studio. 

 

Now when it comes to single occurrences, it is much harder. 

 

For instance, I'm deadly afraid of exercising in public and just the thought of it is enough to make my hands shake. Today, in an article written by Steve he mentions: "Who cares about the people around you – they’re too busy being self conscious anyway".

Well, I care about them. Yes, they are self conscious. But they are also judgmental. I know - I'm one of them. I'm very critical of me and of others and I am often projecting this critical thinking onto other people. Obviously I am their favorite target ^_^

 

I want to do more things which frighten me. I try a lots of things from home (new books, new recipes), but I tend to be afraid of going out and being vulnerable in front of people. 

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I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

I AM OVERWEIGHT - AND IT'S FINE - I AM HEALTHY - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE

 

I am worried to go to a sports class. I will go and thin people will make fun of me and point at me and I will fail.

  • Is this worry realistic? Maybe 20%
  • Is this really likely to happen? Maybe 15%
  • If the worst possible outcome happens, what would be so bad about that? People will point at me. I will feel shamed. I will feel like I don't belong. 
  • Could I handle that? I already know I don't belong, as I'm new in the class. I already feel shame, although I'm hiding it. 
  • What might I do? I can leave the class. Or I can stay and continue. 
  • If something bad happens, what might that mean about me? It means I am  trying to do something right. What they are mocking is efforts to get better. 
  • Is this really true or does it just seem that way? Maybe 5 or 10%
  • What might I do to prepare for whatever may happen? I might review the exercises beforehand, I might practice before I come. I may try really hard. 

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So I probably have a slight anxiety disorder, especially around people (hence the not exercising in public thing).

 

Turns out the way to get over it is: to do the things you're afraid of, while rationalizing your fears with questions.

 

Ha! 

 

This is not super helpful it seems, but it actually helps. 

 

I'm planning a visit to the gym. Very early granted, but still. Going is going. 

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Sometimes, life happens and disrupts the flow of usual days in a way that is unbearable. 

Why does heartbreak affects us so? Maybe because it touches our essential need for connection, for finding a place, gaining strength from others in a time when we are not feeling strong ourselves. 

 

So what do we do when we are feeling weak and are deprived of our outside source of support? We may turn towards other sources (friends, family, etc.) to help us. Then we have to go back to relying on ourselves. We have to build ourselves back up. Find the strength to go on, look for any little drop of happiness in our lives and hang on to them.

 

When we live away from our families, this might be tough. To all of us living abroad, or just so far from our roots that we sometimes feel like they are not with us anymore, this can be especially painful. 

 

We are told in these difficult moments to find our own strength, to grow, to learn, to keep going. Mostly because the alternative would be to stay home in bed, and not a lot of us could afford to stay in bed for long. So we grieve in our hearts while we smile in the office. We answer that we are fine when we feel a terrible ache in our chest. We laugh at jokes designed to make us smile more, in the vain hope that they won't come back, that they will stop trying of make us feel better and finally let us deal alone. 

 

Good luck to everyone this week - may you week be soft and easy. I promise, you can also learn and grow and get stronger even when like if good!

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Endorphin is awesome. That and reading are the only two things that keep me going. 

 

Exercising was difficult at first, but now it's a needed experience, to which I look forward to break the unhappy, monotonous flow of the day. It also helps with pain in my body. I am doing extra yoga to stretch, but these are not so challenging as they help me hurt less afterwards, so I don't count them as exercising.

 

But the dancing, the biking, these definitely count. I feel fine after biking for 30-45 min, but after the 90 minutes of dance classes, I feel like I need to lie down and not move anymore. Since they are at night, this is exactly what I do. 

 

Sleeping a lot helps too. 

 

I started studying Korean seriously again and it helps too. It won't fix anything, but it is a nice distraction. 

 

Weekend starts in a few hours. I will have to make it through. 

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Hi B00024228,

I've been following along silently for awhile and decided it was time I stopped in and said Hi. "hi"

I really enjoy reading about your love of dance, and about how you are handling some of the difficulties life has thrown at you. I was especially impressed with how you reacted to those two who mocked you in dance practice. Many would have crumbled and quit, but not you. You came back stronger and a better dancer. You've got heart.

I hope your weekend is going well.

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My body. Hurts. Everywhere. Ouch.

 

In order to continue to do things which frighten me for no reason, I filmed myself dancing Sunday morning. And as the perfectionist idiot that I am, I rehearsed for seven hours on Saturday. 

 

Oh, the muscular pain! 

 

But Sunday morning was a blast!!! We put the volume up so loud and filmed twice with two cameras. I wonder what this will look like!

It's ok if I really sucked, because my mom and my sister will be the only ones seeing it. 

 

But BOY was it hard.

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Good Morning B00024228,  I'm just checking in to see how this last week of the challenge is going for you.

 

I hope your weekend went well and that you continue to lose (find?) yourself in dance.

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Good Morning B00024228,  I'm just checking in to see how this last week of the challenge is going for you.

 

I hope your weekend went well and that you continue to lose (find?) yourself in dance.

The last week of the challenge went well!

 

I could have slept a bit more, but I have been following WW closely and exercised well so I did lose some weight.

Meditation most days is also helping me with a better balance.

 

Now thinking about new challenge!

I will continue with the goals of this one for next week until the next 6WC starts!

 

Hope your challenge went well too!!

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I'm happy that the last week of the challenge went well for you.

 

Meditation is something I am working on, but not yet being very successful.  That will for sure continue to be a part of my next challenge.

 

Overall my challenge did go  very well.  I found I enjoy working with kettlebells and actually look forward to my workouts.  That's something totally different for me, so kind of exciting.

 

Looking forward to this next challenge.

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