greenjasper can't help it, the road just rolls out behind her.

[greenjasper]

Here it is, folks.

 

PRE-BATTLE LOG:

22 JULY, 2015. Battle 1 in 5 Days.

Going to have to look into getting earplugs to sleep. Neighbors, car alarms, sirens all kept me up. My eyes are bloodshoot, I look and feel like a mess, I slept in 2 hours late and missed my planned morning walk/jog. My whole day's schedule got messed up from the lack of sleep.

So this becomes a question of: how do I turn a bad day around?

I feel what's happening to my motivation, my self-confidence, my conviction in these moments. They all tank. It's horrible.

I made an effort to do something small to turn it around. Without sitting down and making a to-do list (e.g. wasting time, I love making lists to procrastinate), I put up a command hook for a hand towel in the bathroom and a kitchen towel in the kitchenette -- I'd been putting off doing that for two weeks even though I've had the hooks. Which led to me taking out the trash. Which led to putting away some papers that were out making a mess of things. I got dressed, put my hair back, slapped some make-up on and bolted out of the house like someone trying to escape. In a sense, I was. I was trying to escape that Dark Place. The Place where I fall and don't get up. I'm really familiar with this Place and don't want to be there anymore.

I had to go to FedEx to pick up my new juicer (my sister's housewarming gift to me). I walked - it's about a half mile. Now for the fun part: it would have been so easy for me to get an Uber cab home. I looked at what a big box it was packaged in and my thoughts of carrying it home just faded away. There's no way, I was telling myself. You can't carry a 20 lb. huge box all the way home. Imagine all the stops you'll have to make. You'll look like an idiot on crowded streets with busy cafes, in front of everyone commuting to work. And then I told myself to shut up.

I did not book the cab. I asked, "Can I unbox it here?" To my surprise, they said sure. I took out the slightly smaller but still heavy box inside, and put it in an oversize reusable grocery bag. And then I walked home with it. Was it awkward and heavy to carry? Yes. Did it keep banging against my legs as I walked? Yes. Did I ever set it down and admit defeat? Hell no.

And then I came home and did my push-ups. Just a few, but it's better than nothing.

My eyes are still bloodshot, my planned productive morning is still gone and I feel cranky, but I have to learn how to make the best of less than ideal circumstances and give up the idea that every day is going to go according to some nice fluffy plan I made up that sounded nice. That's not realistic. My perfectionism will get the best of me if I don't watch it.

 

Edit: Later the same day...

You guys, I'm going bats and the challenge proper hasn't even started yet. I want to watch a movie and play games and eat junk food. All at the same time. Right now. I'm having a very hard time convincing myself that writing, reading, taking a walk, anything, is a better idea than any of the aforementioned. I'm not going to do any of those things, of course. I'm eating a salad, listening to backpacking podcasts and typing this post.

 

I've actually had one of my most productive work days in weeks -- I got six design projects sent off, AND I got my inbox to zero. ZERO! It's the best number. I don't think I've seen an empty inbox in... years? I tried out some new tools recommended by or that I found out about from NFers to keep me on track: leechblock and coffitivity, thanks you guys! I also reconnected with Wunderlist, and my boss and I decided to use Google Sheets to coordinate our work projects. So a combination of new tools and thinking about how to make my life more efficient definitely helped today.

[greenjasper]

PRE-BATTLE LOG:

25 JULY, 2015. Challenge 1 in 2 Days.

So, since I signed up for the NF challenge 6 days ago, I've lost 6 pounds. I assure everyone I'm not going hungry over here, I think a lot is just water weight, or my body going into shock that I'm not drinking alcohol and instead consuming more nutritious calories, more whole grains, salad, etc. For some reason the few pounds I've lost is a reminder at how much fitness I don't have right now. I can look at my body and say... oh, that's where my abs used to be. Now it's three rolls. That's where I used to have stronger arms, stronger legs. Now it's flab and cellulite. It's like looking at a familiar city where buildings you know have been demolished.

 

I can't believe I ever used to be able to outrun people 10 years younger than me in the military. Looking at me, you'd think I'd been a secretary my whole life.

 

Yesterday was rough in particular. It's not like I'm exercising a lot, a few push-ups here and there, some walking. But enough to make me thoroughly sore. And I am a giant baby when I'm sore. It makes me want to be lazy, like... errands to run? Nah, not today. I'm sore. I'm going to seriously have to watch that.

I am going to get a proper scale today, because the one I own is old/semi-broken and maybe it's telling me lies. I don't like the idea of scales, but at this stage I need something to "report to." Nobody's really going to know or care if I fall off the bandwagon and start playing games, drinking, not going out of the house again. But I know I will continue gaining weight as long as that's my lifestyle, and a scale will tell me so.

 

PRE-BATTLE LOG:

26 JULY, 2015. Challenge 1 tomorrow!

Today was absurdly productive for the first half. I woke up when my alarm went off, worked out, cleaned my apartment, journaled, drew, got groceries, organized some files on the computer.

 

And then I (almost) psyched myself out about going to the concert. I did go, and I'm actually just home between sets to eat dinner before I go back out again, but for all of what I thought was "progress" I've made this week in preparation for the challenge... well, it just seemed too damn lonely to go to a concert, just me, this tragic alone figure around all these people happily chatting away with friends and holding lovers. I really couldn't bear the idea, even to see four bands I really like. And yeah, I can't lie... it was actually like that, the alone in a crowd feeling. But I went, gosh darnit. I went and saw a good set by a band I like. Not bad for a depressed agoraphobic in a new city.

[greenjasper]

27 JULY, 2015: Old dog, new tricks

So far, so good. Not a pass with flying colors day, but I went for a walk around the block in the afternoon when I realized I hadn't been out all day. I really hate going out when it's sunny, especially without makeup. I'm pale with scary dark eye circles. Frankly, I look sickly and it takes doctoring to make me look "normal." So going outside is already one thing I hate, but then subtract makeup? Well, I keep my head down and walk fast.

 

I was really proud of myself in the evening for learning how to use After Effects, not a typical program used by print designers. However, my boss had an extra project for me (read: extra $$$) IF I could figure out the technical aspect of how to do it. I totally crushed it, and my boss and I are now both excited about our new project. So, on the work-from-home front things are going well. Amidst any NF challenge is my constant real life challenge to maintain a relevant set of skills. I'm not sure if that used to be such a stress for people, but in this technological era, I know that if I fail to keep developing, I will one day find myself totally outdated and unneeded and I'll have to go back to a regular 9-to-5. Shoot me now. I'll work double the hours to avoid going to work in the typical fashion.