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If I were forced to start over... -Fearkiller's respawn 15.1


Fearkiller

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Respawn because I am not happy with what I have been doing with my time, and that if I do not create accountability,

I know I will just wait for the shit hit the fan. And I do not want that. NSFW so that you know: Brief mentions about my suicidal tendencies, but trying not to spread it all over. And swearwords, because I am angry at myself.

 

“If you were forced to start over.

If you had to wipe your slate clean

and choose the important things,

what would you change?

What would you stop doing?

Where would you put your focus?â€

- I have no source, but not mine

 

For TL;DR, read the big, bold, underlined bits:

 

I spend my time in all the wrong places: in front of the screen, PC games, online procrastination. In a nutshell, things that are gone as soon as they’re forgotten. That in the end only take time and do not give anything back. Yes, I do (sort of) enjoy them, but when all is said and done, worthless things. I don’t have many good memories from games or other entertainment, because I have not as a result done anything about the things I’ve learned. I do not cherish most of that mindless fodder.

 

I've half-assed so many of my challenges, not having a drive behind them. Hoarding too many things,

and not getting half of them done. I owe so much to so many around here, and I could not, or didn't want to

give back to this community. No bueno.After my last challenge, I pretty much gave up. Again. Like a limp fish going down the river,

thinking about my suicide plan, and going with the family to visit relatives, or travelling, and doing what felt smooth with the least resistance, but not caring. So I know where the path I am walking leads to, has been leading for a long time.

 

But, yet still:

 

My most beautiful memories either include other people or nature in them. Shooting the shit with friends, without needing to pretend anything, or doing something as a group or together with someone. Or at sundown seeing a wonderful scenery, or a butterfly landing on my hand or seeing one at 10 cm away. Singing with other people. Or a vivid campfire, watching the waves or a forest trail. The two things definitely have a pattern. Quite recently I’ve added creating something through imagination (drawing and writing) as a third valuable thing, (but that's put on hold for a while).

 

For adding more of good stuff, I need the time the mindless shit steals from me. Therefore:

 

 

Do less. But do what you do with complete and hard focus. Then when you’re done be done, and go enjoy the rest of the day.

http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/

 

The do less & focus part:

 

Leo Babautas article about the Most Important Tasks: http://zenhabits.net/purpose-your-day-most-important-task/

 

 

And here’s the key to the MITs for me: at least one of the MITs should be related to one of my goals.

While the other two can be work stuff (and usually are), one must be a goal next-action.

This ensures that I am doing something to move my goals forward that day.

And that makes all the difference in the world. Each day, I’ve done something to make my dreams come true.

It’s built into my morning routine: set a next-action to accomplish for one of my goals.

And so it happens each day, automatically.

 

Another key: do your MITs first thing in the morning, either at home or when you first get to work.

If you put them off to later, you will get busy and run out of time to do them.

Get them out of the way, and the rest of the day is gravy!

 

So my MITs are, based on things I regret not doing Underlined what I focus on this time:

 

1) My body. Teeth, joints, what I eat. Stretching. Movement.

Work out ¨twice a week. Find a class to sign to – pilates, yoga, parkour, a starting gym group. Whatever I can get my hands on, as long as it has good movement in it, and optionally other people.

Eat two vegetables a day. At least two, but it will hopefully lead to more.

 

2) The things that give something back, that I want to focus on. Nature, beauty, new experiences + learning things IRL. Other people. Knowing and being okay with myself. Getting outside my comfort zone. Friends and friendship. Family. Lovers. Caring, connection, understanding. Love. Sex. Breathing in and living right here. Living these things.

 

Something off the list I cherish.

Every single day. Something I have never done. Where I haven’t been in my hometown?

What I haven’t eaten ever before? Talking to a new person. A song I’ve never heard?

 

3) The schoolwork. *sigh* is not on the list of unforgettable experiences. I picked the Bachelor of Business Administration because it was the best of all the boring study lines, and would open up many different career paths. Without a higher education I don’t have much hope to get a job, and I don’t want to depend on the state welfare or my parents, because having to depend on others would chew me up eventually. Can’t start a new line of study, as that would take another 3,5 years, can’t drop out as that would close many doors on my future, so the only way is forward. But fuck this, that's bullshit. Without a driving reason this is worthless, right? *deep breathing* *deep breathing* Okay. Right now I do not have anything else to scrape a living from in the future, and I do a lot of soul-sucking things on a daily basis anyway, so where's the difference? So it's labeled as Shit I Fucking Gotta Get Done.

 

A task a day. An assignment, or an A4 of text. A clear piece of progress that I do not have to return back to fix errors from.. Between the time I wake up at 8 am to the time I go to sleep at 10 pm, there has to be a very good damn reason not to get a few focused hours of work in.

 

This challenge feels too much already. Gods. Well, can't just stop and give a flying fuck about everything for a year, can I?

Would be bloody fucking wonderful if I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Wouldn't I love that. No hassle, and... Enough already. Quit that. This is what I've got, and this is what I am going to roll with. Just keep swimming.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

My list for you would be much shorter:

1) Breathe in

2) Know you are loved and worthy

3) Breathe out

Repeat 1-3 until it becomes second nature.

 

I know I am over simplifying things. But your struggles and the way you express them shows your highly intelliegent and a very sensitive insightful person. We have followed each other through quite a few challenges so I don't say these things with out basis. You have much to offer this world once you relax and be easy on yourself it will allow you to be comfortable and confident and you will start living your potential.

 

So breathe, all is well!

:love_heart: 

 

 

Link to post

My list for you would be much shorter:

1) Breathe in

2) Know you are loved and worthy

3) Breathe out

Repeat 1-3 until it becomes second nature.

 

I know I am over simplifying things. But your struggles and the way you express them shows your highly intelliegent and a very sensitive insightful person. We have followed each other through quite a few challenges so I don't say these things with out basis. You have much to offer this world once you relax and be easy on yourself it will allow you to be comfortable and confident and you will start living your potential.

 

So breathe, all is well!

:love_heart:

 

This makes me all fluffy and utterly terrified at the same time.

It feels like an alien concept, because knowing something and believing it

are compeletely different things, and who the hell am I to like myself,

what reason or grounds I could possibly have? Outside, looking in there are many and more,

but I can't see or believe them myself :(

 

Yesterday was a day I want to avoid. All day in front of a screen, and no meaning.

I did go for a 2.5 mile walk, tho.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

This makes me all fluffy and utterly terrified at the same time.

:)

That's because your heart knows it is true but your mind has constructed a well-worn pattern of thinking that conflicts with the concept.

We are all born worthy. It is the ability (intelligence) to choose to question our worthiness that messes with us.

How would life change if you chose to accept that you are worthy? What would you do differently? How would it feel?

 

 

Link to post

Not beating myself down all the time would feel amazing.

As it is now, if I am not busy enough to notice them. even bits of silence are wonderful.

Being less afraid of judgement, and failure.

Not fighting against the parts of me that I don't like.

 

What was the idea in one of the TED talks I listened...

Oh yes: that you can't motivate yourself well with criticism and judgment

We think we need it to do things, but it makes more damage than it is worth.

Self-compassion is a lot better place to grow from.

 

Would you have handy a good TED talk or similar about the 2nd phase between breathing?

Looking for a basic outline as to what and how, from which to start practical application?

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

You deserve to feel amazing.
Like you, I watch TED talks and all kinds of podcast and videos.
I feel as though you know what to do, you know all the videos. :)

Go simple.
Feel your way through it.
Get rid of any thought that doesn't serve you.  
You know what feels good.
Thoughts that don't feel good, kick them to the curb, set them on fire, pack them up and ship them out, tie them to a weather balloon and watch them fly away, run them over with a bus, trample them with wild horses, shred them with a lightsaber (or develop some other visualization that helps to clear them)
Notice the good thoughts and enjoy them.
Be easy on yourself.
Be light, have fun applying ideas from all those videos you have been studying.
You have the knowledge.
Figure out what works for you.
Adjust as needed (that's part of the learning).
Discover Fearkiller's own breathing technique to develop self-love.

No worries, no judgements, no critiism, just ease. Relax into it.

  • Like 1

 

 

Link to post

Some things relevant to the discussion.

 

today-i-will-love-myself-enough-to-exerc

 

Reframing my attitude about things.

 

ac45923fc631ad2d02265ae69455ca13.jpg

 

If they refuse to show, in text:

 

"Today I will love myself enough to exercise"

&

"You can't hate yourself into being something you'll love"

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Kind of hazy notes over the weekend, but here goes

 

No schoolwork.

 

21.8 Fri

An apple.

I am grateful for

- My workout. I actually smiled and laughed a bit during it, just couldn't stop thinking about the phrase

"Today I will love myself enough to exercise". Somehow it changed my attitude over the whole workout thing: it's not a have to do, a chore,

but an act of... courage?

- Tiredness and soreness of muscles

- Streching. Feels so damn good.

 

22.8 Sat

A pineapple can, and 150g of frozen veggies.

Gratitude

- Hayfewer is momentarily passing. Infuriatingly frustrating to sneeze every 15min.

But hoping it's passing. Thinking how happy I'll be when it's gone.

- That I can make several people in my life smile. By cracking some inside jokes,

and being a daft me. That's gotta mean something.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCepcNGlxCE

The beats! :listening_headphone*Tapping the rythm to the table*

I am terrified of hope for some reason.

23.8 Sun

150g frozen veggies, a small broccoli

Gratitude

- Got 6-7 hours of sleep despite waking up to sneeze often
- I feel grateful for that people have chosen to spend precious time from their lives to help me.

24.8 Mon
1 nectarine
- I am grateful for not eating any sugary things.

25.8 Tue
3.6km walk

Gratitude - My Sony Walkman, packed with music, TED talks and other good stuff.

26.8 Wed
A serving of salad at dinner

Gratitude
- Laughing at goofy things
- Coffee when tired
- Vacuum cleaning and peeling potatoes. Someone has to do it, why not me?
- Got leftovers to eat tomorrow
- 15min of curling up into a soft ball into the corner of the sofa after coffee.

 

I can't help but think those two quotes

 

 

And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- We are the most in-debt ... obese ... addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

- Brene, TED talk, 2010

 

 

And moving from shame self-talk "I'm stupid, I'm worthless" to to guilt self-talk "I did something I didn't like, I don't like that behaviour"

can move us away from the detrimental effects of shame, and the long term effects of shame

-again, depression, bullying, aggression, violence, suicide, eating disorders, addiction.

The relationship between addiction and shame is so inmeshed we don't even know as researchers where one starts and the other begins.

 

There is a wonderful quote by Terry Real, who wrote: "An addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs salt water".

Can you imagine standing on the edge of an ocean dying of thirst, and thinking 'This is what I need, this will save me' and it's the thing that will kill you?

 

Been pretty much sat at the PC this week, whenever I've had time.

This fucking numbing of life eats at my soul!

...

Sorry. Shouldn't yell at you.

 

It's just that... no matter how much I play, it is never enough.

I might play and procrastinate 8 hours away, get fed of it, and want more tomorrow.

...

Still, what comforts me is the couple of verses from lyrics from a finnish song Ei panikoida by Johanna Kurkela:

"My heart you've wandered / in slightly the wrong direction in darkness" (Hard to translate)

Combine that with her soothing voice, and... :love_heart:

 

 

Someone translated the whole lyrics in the comments! Squee!

 

There is no hurry, there is time to get lost with no worry

Calm down, soon, very soon there will be a way

My heart, you are galloping in vain

Being tired, you won't notice a good crossroad

Soon, very soon there will be a way

My heart, you are wise

Let us not panic or be rash

My heart, I walked a bit to a wrong way in the dark

My heart, you are wise Let us not panic or be rash

My heart, believe me, soon, very soon there will be a way

Even without advice, you know the best way

Instinct tells you are getting closer, soon, very soon there will be a way

My heart, we are running in vain, for when the time is right

We'll come across a good crossroad

Soon, very soon, there will be a way

My heart, you are wise

Let us not panic or be rash

My heart, I walked a bit to a wrong way in the dark

My heart, you are wise Let us not panic or be rash

My heart, believe me, soon, very soon there will be a way

Stop, to hear the music

For a small moment everything is suddenly perfect

The stars are shining brighter

Maybe I don't need to find a way after all

The way is here

My heart, you are wise

Let us not panic or be rash

My heart, I walked a bit to a wrong way in the dark

My heart, you are wise Let us not panic or be rash

My heart, believe me, soon, very soon there will be a way

My heart, believe me, soon, very soon there will be a way

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

 

Been pretty much sat at the PC this week, whenever I've had time.

This fucking numbing of life eats at my soul!

 

Yes, that would do the same to me. What could you do differently.... soul enriching things?

 

 

"It's just that... no matter how much I play, it is never enough.

I might play and procrastinate 8 hours away, get fed of it, and want more tomorrow."

 

Sounds like you are grasping for a certain emotional feeling that you think gaming will give you.

 

For me sweets connect to my emotional memories of fun, freedom (I can eat whatever I want without worry) reward and celebration. I want the emotional feeling and indulging in the doughnut or cinnamon bun never satisfies my emotional need because they are false substitutions. So I try a cheese danish instead. Of course, it never works. Apparently you can't eat your way to freedom. 

 

So what do you want emotionally from gaming? Is there something that would work more effectively to give you that feeling?

 

 

Link to post

Yes, that would do the same to me. What could you do differently.... soul enriching things?

 

 

"It's just that... no matter how much I play, it is never enough.

I might play and procrastinate 8 hours away, get fed of it, and want more tomorrow."

 

Sounds like you are grasping for a certain emotional feeling that you think gaming will give you.

 

For me sweets connect to my emotional memories of fun, freedom (I can eat whatever I want without worry) reward and celebration. I want the emotional feeling and indulging in the doughnut or cinnamon bun never satisfies my emotional need because they are false substitutions. So I try a cheese danish instead. Of course, it never works. Apparently you can't eat your way to freedom. 

 

So what do you want emotionally from gaming? Is there something that would work more effectively to give you that feeling?

I'm thinking. Comfort. Security. To be preoccupied with something, for the purpose of... fleeing?

And it is fun. They're designed to entertain and keep you hooked, after all. Dopamine?

 

Reading would be better - more fringe benefits, like learning and imagination and inspiration,

but if everything else suffers, the same problem.

 

Browsed dozens and dozens of motivational threads and quotes on reddit,

but most of them just don't click. (Some did though, and saved them up for later: ) ) The finnish saying "carried water doesn't stay in the well"

Trying to express the idea:  What's the point of all the quotes, when I don't have the spark in me myself?

It goes deeper, as in I'd need something to live for.

Because that spark would be the thing that would turn ideas into something I do.

But no one can do that for me, I'd need to find that myself. And that's where's I'm at a loss.

 

Did work out today though, and that made me feel better than any amount of gaming and quote hunting.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I'm thinking. Comfort. Security. To be preoccupied with something, for the purpose of... fleeing?

And it is fun. They're designed to entertain and keep you hooked, after all. Dopamine?

 

Reading would be better - more fringe benefits, like learning and imagination and inspiration,

but if everything else suffers, the same problem.

 

Browsed dozens and dozens of motivational threads and quotes on reddit,

but most of them just don't click. (Some did though, and saved them up for later: ) ) The finnish saying "carried water doesn't stay in the well"

Trying to express the idea:  What's the point of all the quotes, when I don't have the spark in me myself?

It goes deeper, as in I'd need something to live for.

Because that spark would be the thing that would turn ideas into something I do.

But no one can do that for me, I'd need to find that myself. And that's where's I'm at a loss.

 

Did work out today though, and that made me feel better than any amount of gaming and quote hunting.

 

I have been listening to some on-line lectures by Pema Chodron, about "shenpa" and how we get hooked into habitual thinking and reactions.

 

http://www.lionsroar.com/how-we-get-hooked-shenpa-and-how-we-get-unhooked/

 

Here is a few quotes from her that speak to me:

 

 

 

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The things from Pema Chodron make sense, they're just too much at the moment to apply.

 

28.6 Fri

The one workout I mentioned

A handful of sunflower seeds, and a serving of salad

 

Gratitude

- My electric toothbrush cleans my teeth easier, faster and cleaner than a regular toothbrush,

and with lot less damage to gums to boot! Talk about efficiency! I am grateful for this because

I don't have to worry so much about my teeth getting holes.

- I am grateful for my mother giving me half of her salad to eat

- Workout and discovering our stationary bike again. Quite fun to pedal with it.

- Feeling that maybe it'll help more to focus on things that make me happy rather than

straining to discover why I should or should not do things in the first place.

 

29.8 Sat

A handful of sunflower seeds

 

Gratitude

- I cooked food with a family friend today, and I was absurdly grateful for the simple act of having

something pleasant to do together with a nice person

- I learned a new, and tasty recipe today

- We rearranged furniture today, so I didn't have copious amounts of free time to squander in front of the screen

- I do not have a dirty frying pan waiting me in the sink tomorrow because I washed it in the evening.

 

30.8 Sun

Healthy stuff, no.

 

Gratitude

- The smell of freshly baked blueberry pie *drool* *nomnomnom*

- My back massage helped with my mom with her tiredness

 

31.8 Mon

One banana

 

Gratitude:

- Nothing.

 

1.9

1 banana

 

Gratitude:

- Absolutely gorgeous nature during a walk

- I do like the solitude going for a walk gives

- A wonderful new book I found from the library

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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2.9 Wed

-.

 

Gratitude:

- Sleep. I am grateful for sleep.

- Walking. The reasons for it sucked, and mostly I did not enjoy it,

but exercise is exercise.

- I will not act upon my suicidal thoughts, no matter how tempting.

Repeating that a few times helps sometimes.

- I ate something during the day Leftovers \o/

 

3.9 Thu

My class was supposed to meet the teacher appointed to us to recap the summer and plan the next year.

I didn't go. I cannot look her in the eyes after passing only 1 meagre course from the 3.5 I was supposed to.

 

Shame. Fuck that shit.

 

3/4 of a mandarine (the things that are like oranges, but not quite), I banana

 

Gratitude:

- Bought good microwave meals instead of fast food, and it was cheaper too.

- A wonderful quote recently

- Going to sleep earlier than usual, because sleepy.

- Washing dishes. I might be a scared fuck up who can't adult for shit,

but at least I did the dishes.

 

On a more positive note, my desktop PC seems to have broken down.

Turns on, but does not show anything on the screen. Not in a special hurry to fix it either :tongue:

Silver linings... :D

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Hey, sorry I didn't notice your thread sooner.

 

For goals, you can have as many as you want.  They just need to be ranked in order of priority with an understanding of which ones can be sacrificed and which ones absolutely need full effort.

 

Can you do a full screen fast?  Basically get someone to print out the research you need for classes and then type out what you've written?

 

Actually, a schedule might help.  I want to say theoretically for this next part, but it's probably close to what you should think about trying. 

 

Your classwork is the most important thing, the job that allows you to have food and a table to put it on.  Every day, wake up and go through a morning routine.  (Meditate or jog, eat breakfast, shower, get fully dressed.)  Then your workday begins on schedule and you follow it unless you have an appointment.  Your morning 15-minute break doesn't have to be taken right when you schedule it, but it should be somewhat within halfway between starting and lunch.  (Or you could take non-smoker breaks.  That's where you go outside and fritter away five minutes whenever it suits you.)  Spend lunch away from the computer.  When the end of your workday hits, do something non-computery for about half an hour.  Either exercise, do some light cleaning, prepare dinner, or play.  (If you're commuting to a library or the school to do your homework, the journey home is a good enough transition, but don't dive for a computer the moment you get in the door.)

 

For play, pen-and-paper games or physical puzzles can give you a lighter dose of what computer games offer.  Or try a hobby like knitting, origami, coloring books, journaling...

 

Oh, and this is going to be mean, so I apologize in advance...

 

At first opportunity, march yourself to your teacher's office and explain what happened!

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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