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Things are seldom inevitable - Fearkiller's 15.2


Fearkiller

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I do not apparently know how to cut back on stuff, so there's lot still.

 

Gratitude, because it has become a kind of an habit, and helps.

 

Zenhabits 1000 cuts, because even a little exercise is better than none.

Not to mean there wouldn't be big workouts as well.

 

Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 11:46 PM, said:snapback.png

Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyielding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.

 

 5000 steps over 10k limit is one point. 5 min of streching is one point also.

200 points, and 3-4 points a day.

 

Sort out the schoolmess

 

- Continue study time to next spring

- Take stock of all courses, assignments, and thesis steps that needs to be done

- Spread out due dates, and mark them of a large calendar sheet

- Schedule days, and follow the schedule

 

First 2 this week, and start working.

 

 

Do less. But do what you do with complete and hard focus. Then when you’re done be done, and go enjoy the rest of the day.

http://calnewport.co...lite-achievers/

 

Because, when I have done my schoolwork for the day, I want to:

 

Expand comfort zone

 

 

No matter how nice comfort of the familiar may feel, to try something new is to live,

and opens your mind up to thought patterns that are hard to experience when you see the same thing every day.

 -interestme1

https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/comments/2i3tx6/i_lost_all_motivation_and_drive_that_i_once_had/

 

Quietly, he said, “If we’re not careful life becomes very small.â€

We walked the rest of the way home in silence. ~Dominic Smith, The Beautiful Miscellaneous

 

Seriously. The computer, trip to school, library.  Most of the time alone,

reading or in the house alone. Comfort bubble. Constricting. Oh gods mine is a small one.

Fuck I need something new.

 

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Here's the things I am grateful from the time between the challenges:

 

Gratitude

- The meeting with my therapist was, well, okay.

Didn't as such help, but talking with someone about some things

I had on my mind helped to clear the clutter, and ease the mental landscape.

- Bought delicous cereal today, which have nuts in them.

- When you pick books you wouldn't automatically read,

even a little out of our normal comfort zone, one might find quite good pearls.

Reading a diary of a Finnish nun Idefelt - her personal faith, calm, spiritual life is like a peek

somewhere wonderful and so very different than my own. And a Swedish columnist

whose texts I surprisingly enjoy a lot. Who would've thought?

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I want to:

 

Expand comfort zone

 

 -interestme1

https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/comments/2i3tx6/i_lost_all_motivation_and_drive_that_i_once_had/

 

Quietly, he said, “If we’re not careful life becomes very small.â€

We walked the rest of the way home in silence. ~Dominic Smith, The Beautiful Miscellaneous

 

Seriously. The computer, trip to school, library.  Most of the time alone,

reading or in the house alone. Comfort bubble. Constricting. Oh gods mine is a small one.

Fuck I need something new.

 

I love this! This can be so much fun. I love doing things that are new and take me out of ruts in my thinking. This will sound ridiculous but I was intimidated to walk into this make-up store, it just seemed overwhelming and I don't know that much about make-up. Slowly I got the hang of the place, now I can walk in, say hi, try some perfume on and try things out and walk out without feeling pressure to buy anything. 

 

Looking forward to reading about your new adventures. :)

 

 

Link to post

16.9 Wed

1000 cuts 2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

 

Gratitude

- Peeled a huge mango (like 2 of my fists side-by-side big)

and ate it with my bare hands. Feels good to drop the civilization for a small while :lol:

- First, frequently stumbling steps of learning Russian. Learning a new language is...

expanding the perception somehow?

- Writing this challenge, through the desperation. Happy for it.

 

I love this! This can be so much fun. I love doing things that are new and take me out of ruts in my thinking. This will sound ridiculous but I was intimidated to walk into this make-up store, it just seemed overwhelming and I don't know that much about make-up. Slowly I got the hang of the place, now I can walk in, say hi, try some perfume on and try things out and walk out without feeling pressure to buy anything. 

 

Looking forward to reading about your new adventures. :)

This kind of experiences I am aiming at.

I don't think it was ridiculous, we all have different things that intimidate us.

Heck, I do not use the blender I bought very often, because I am afraid of the loud noise it makes,

and the major forces in the spinning blade. :redface-new: Yet I know the thing is perfectly safe.

It's not going to explode or anything.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Tell your therapist about the blender thing.  It sounds like you might be under constant "something is going to eat me" stress and adding a mildly scary thing puts you at threshold.  Your therapist will know better than I do if that theory is valid.

 

 

I dare you to do something that isn't being alone.  Do you have any IRL friends to hang out with?  If not, find something low-commitment where you're expected to mingle.

  • Like 1

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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17.9 Thu

No notes. :/

 

18.9 Fri

1000 cuts 1 pull up with a backpack, 65s plank

 

Gratitude

- Sleeping in this morning, until 09.30. The sound of rain is so wonderfully sleepy.

- Today I thought when looking in the mirror: I am not handsome handsome,

but I am far from ugly. It is not an impossible thought someone might love me in the future.

It was a quietly happy thought.

- Listening to the sound of heavy rain. I was indoors, dry, and had eaten good, warm food recently.

 

Apparently I have one year on top of my 3.5 year study time, without any form-filling

or a lengthy application processes.

 

Stories like the thread: What is the creepiest glitch in the matrix you have experienced?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1xyn79/what_is_the_creepiest_glitch_in_the_matrix_youve

 

I mentioned this in another thread but here it is again.

Me and my friend were at a Chinese Restaurant and we ordered a General Tso chicken Dinner and a shrimp lo mein dish.

When we both sat down we took out both boxes and set them on the table about two feet apart. he opens the first box and we see a shrimp lo mein dish. it has all the things in there...noodles shrimp. Fried rice. He closes the box and opens the other box. Inside that box is a shrimp lo mein. Shrimp. Noodles. Fried Rice.

 

"oh" I think "they must have mixed the order." I was just about to say this when my friend says out loud "looks like they made a mistake and gave us two..." as he opens the first box again. Inside of it is a General tso chicken order. General tso chicken, white rice, and an egg roll. He froze and looked at me...I looked back at him...and we sat in silence. it took us five or so minutes to collect ourselves. I have no idea what the fuck happened.

 

 

Have a few, but this one stands out.

I was catching a skytrain in one particular city about 15 minutes from where I get off. While I wait there is a woman with glazed eyes asking people for money. She came up to me, stopped briefly, and asked "Excuse me, could you spare some money? My brother is in the hospital and I'd like some money to buy him some flowers."

That's rich I thought. Drug addicts are getting more and more obvious with their lines. "Here's $5". Gave it to her without even looking her in the face, convinced of her intentions.

Anyways, my train pulls up and I get on. I look through the glass at her walking around asking others for money as the train pulls away.

The train arrives at the station 15 minutes later, and I walk down and out to the bus stop. There is only one bus the direction I'm going, and just my luck! It is there waiting when I get off the train. So on the bus I hop and wait for the bus driver to finish reading his paper before the doors close and we embark down the highway.

About 5-10 minutes travelling, the driver pulls over for a routine stop. The doors open, and to my complete astonishment the woman from the skytrain walks into the bus. A dozen roses in hand. She looks me right in the eyes as she walks past to take her seat.

How in the blue hell did she get there? I took the train before her. I watched her at the train stop from inside as we pulled away. I went over a river. I caught the first and only bus going this particular direction. And not only did she beat me there, she had time to go to a store and buy a dozen roses.

To this day I have no idea how this happened.

 

 

As I type this I am already feeling Deja-vu. I've always wanted to share this part of my life with someone but have never been able to. So... I'll just tell a bunch of people on the internet.

One day I was walking to work and all of a sudden had an urge to walk a different path than usual. I work downtown in a big city. It was a strange spur of the moment urge to walk a different way that changed my life forever.

I turned into an alley I had never seen before. As I remember it, I made it about fifteen feet or so when an actual "glitch" happened. Everything in my mind scrambled. I felt like I didn't have a body anymore, just that I was a semi-conscious entity floating through some weird dimension. All of a sudden in the array of different colors and shapes a vision came to me. It was a bunch of strange looking people that in my mind resembled businessmen in suits. They looked startled and panicked that I could see them. One of the "people" made a quick movement and everything turned to black.

When I regained normality, I was on a completely different street. It was the same street that I always use to walk to work. I felt sick, and severely disturbed/depressed.

I've never done any hard drugs, never experienced any hallucinations, never have had anything like this happen to me. The weird thing is, when the glitch was correcting itself and I could see those "people" watching me like a caged animal I had the feeling that I knew I was being controlled. It still bothers me very much to this day.

TL;DR Had a moment of spontaneity, caused a real life glitch, life has seemed different ever since.

 

 

Not creepy, but so vivid and distinct that I still think about it, years later. I had a (subjectively) long, involved dream where I was a vendor in a fish market. I remember getting up early, dressing, doing a whole morning routine, going to get tea, heading out to the docks, buying fish, loading them in a cart and going to get ice, then haggling for ice, buying some less fresh fish while I was at it, then going to a market to my stall, setting up and selling fish all day. It was so real. I talked to friends, smoked nasty cigarettes, haggled customers, ate lunch, had tea and just lived through the day. At the end of the day, I cleaned up, counted my cash, paid the stall rent, went home, cooked some of the fish I hadn't sold, sling with some veggies and rice that I'd traded for. I drank more tea, relaxed for awhile, then drew a hot bath, soaked and smoked some more cigs, then went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up refreshed, ready to go down to the docks to buy fresh catch.... Except I was in my house, next to my wife, truck parked outside and it was Saturday - no work. My wife and I were getting geared up to go skiing in Oregon and the car was already packed. Weird thing was....

In the dream, I was single. And a smoker (I'm not). And the whole long dream had been in fluent Chinese. The effortless kind of fluency that only comes from a lifetime of speaking it. Oh, and I had been Chinese.

I'm a big, hairy white dude - somewhat fluent in Spanish and I know a little bit of Russian, but I've never.... It was just weird. I've never worked in a fish market.

I wonder who I was. I wonder what that was.

 

Now, the first instinct is to dismiss them, and I am sure most of those do have an explanation within reason.

However, I cannot but wonder... What if I am wrong in my suspicion? What then, if these stories are real?

What would that mean? Intriquing lines of thought. Just thinking that this world might have whole new sides like those we have not seen

- opens so many new possibilities.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

It sounds like you've got a lot of neutral to positive energy right now.  Try to keep up that momentum. 

 

Handsomeness is subjective.  I'd ask for a photo and I'd assess you as honestly as I could without being mean, but I'm probably not attracted to the things that one of your best matches finds attractive, or they might care more about personality.  (You don't have a soulmate, you get a nice selection of people that are highly compatible with you.)

 

One of my favorite stories on /r/nosleep is a series that talks about random stairs in the woods, like someone copy/pasted them out of a building to the middle of nowhere.  I'm going to give you this link in case you want to read them, (be aware that there is a lot of gore,) but get the rest of what you need to get done first so you're not procrastinating on the internet.  /r/nosleep/comments/3iex1h/im_a_search_and_rescue_officer_for_the_us_forest/  Edit: I broke the link because I'm not sure that you should read the stairs stories.

 

My husband believes that the universe is a simulation.  I don't know if it's like the Matrix, or if we're all just data.  I listen to him when he explains it, but a lot goes over my head.  I could probably get him to type it up if you're interested.

 

I don't understand the one year part, but it sounds like you have more time?  Don't slack off just because you have breathing room.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

If your husband would share his thoughts, it would likely end up fascinating.

Idk about posting a photo. Eep!

I do not know where all this happiness is coming from either,

there is often a pattern of dark thoughts and happy thoughts. Could be a mild bi-polar,

but I try to avoid diagnosing stuff myself. ("my car has cancer" Lol!)

Or just that's how the cycle goes for me. *shrug*

 

19.9 Sat

1000 cuts 2x10 push ups

 

Gratitude

- Warm and salty food

- Some walking on a forest road, and finding enough mushrooms to make a sauce tomorrow

 

Still thinking about an absolutely beautiful scattering of flower petals on a crushed-stone road in our garden from Thursday.

It caught my eye as I walked past it, and every time more I passed it, it caught my gaze more and more.

I do not know exactly what it was in it so beautiful, but I can try to show you.

 

It might have been the way the petals blended from pink-crimson in the other end

to white-pink in the other, or how that fit just right with the near-dusk,

and the color palette of the crushed stone road. Given all the petals were probably fallen from a single flower,

it was a nicely collected group.

 

(Don't worry, I am getting somewhere with this story.) I tried to take pics of it, but no,

it did not look right in the camera screen. I found myself wishing I had the skill to paint it, so

I could show you what it exactly looked like. As I realized I couldn't capture it, I ended up squatting

it front of it for a few minutes, just letting the sight sink in.

 

- In that, I am grateful for several things. 1) I know the English language well enough to gush to you in great detail

about fallen petals in our garden :tongue: 2) That I can see and appreciate such beauty means life is not all dark

and hopeless, and that I can find some more petals 3) This has inspired me to start drawing again.

 

20.9 Sun

- Drew a porcelain bear, but due to errors in proportions and especially not getting the eye right,

it turned out like a demon bear from hell. Groovy.

- Laughing until tears to a joke.

- Thinking that I want to be a guardian angel. Not as in immersing myself into a faith of any kind

but maybe I could get my shit together enough (an apartment, a job, a circle of people I'd feel I belong without pretending)

that I could volunteer, or do art for people (commissions?). The point being it is immensely valuable to me to be heard when

I needed someone (highschool counselor, my therapist, NF PMs), so I'd think it'd be good for other people. So like that, but with larger scale.

To be someone helping people when they need it. Kind of naïve, and I'd like it to be not because I want to feel good myself

or other selfish motives, but because helping people when they need it could help them very much and is a wonderful thing to do.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

One of my favorite stories on /r/nosleep is a series that talks about random stairs in the woods, like someone copy/pasted them out of a building to the middle of nowhere.  I'm going to give you this link in case you want to read them, (be aware that there is a lot of gore,) but get the rest of what you need to get done first so you're not procrastinating on the internet.  /r/nosleep/comments/3iex1h/im_a_search_and_rescue_officer_for_the_us_forest/  Edit: I broke the link because I'm not sure that you should read the stairs stories.

Huh? Because of the procrastination, or because I would attempt to go and find some? (Not upset, just baffled.)

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Huh? Because of the procrastination, or because I would attempt to go and find some? (Not upset, just baffled.)

 

nosleep is a collection of really creepy campfire stories, pretty much designed to make people turn on all the lights and wait until sunrise.  (I particularly enjoy stories with baby monitors, but other people claim to be afraid of them now.)  The park ranger series has a bunch of really downer stories with graphic descriptions of dead hikers. 

 

Pretty much, it's up to you to know if that sort of stuff is good for you.  In the comments of part five, people were saying that the stairs aren't limited to just North America, but sometimes there are regional variations.  I think China would have doorways that don't lead anywhere, Ireland has standing stones... someone posted a picture of a Labyrinth, but those are explainable.

 

I had almost suggested just printing the stories out and reading them on the bus or something... no online procrastination if you're not online.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

Oh, someone grabbed the most interesting stairs stories on this page... http://beforeitsnews.com/alternative/2015/08/mystery-stairs-3206406.html

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

23.9 Wed

1000 cuts 3,6 km brisk walk

 

Gratitude

- The efficiency of batch cooking. Granted, the chicken sandwiches

taste a little worn-out after 3 days, but they're easy to make, and pretty edible.

- Free games that are so good I'd like to pay for them - donating, perhaps?

- On average a book might cost, what, 20€ ? My local library saved then,

on this one trip alone, about 200 €.

- A new, crispy clean towel after a shower.

- Other artists' work that inspires me

- Painkillers. 2x400mg tabs, and my headache is gone, like magic.

Modern medicine is a wonder.

 

24.9 Thu

1000 cuts -.

 

Gratitude

- Filling up the combo when I've been on time to a class. 4x this far!

- The soup today wasn't anything special, but it was warm.

- Thought today, that I do not ever regret making the good choice

(eg. eating proper lunch instead of donuts&coffee)

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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This past week went down the gutter.

Pretty much all procrawtination.

Hoping to catch the ball during the weekend.

 

Planning to go to a swim as a workout next week.

~6 € for 2 h, I think. Would be great.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Get your butt in gear!  What's the most important thing and why aren't you doing it?  What are the less important things and why aren't you using them to avoid the big thing?

 

I love the word procrawtination, it sounds absolutely vile and obscene and could get you on a registered offender's list if caught at it.

 

I dare you to go out in the woods and plant a scarecrow or something in the bushes... maybe keep it up until you inspire an urban legend.  That, or just go geocaching a few times.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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The procrawtination is a (lucky) typo, but I'll keep using it from now on, and see who's the first to wonder about it... :D

 

25.9 Fri

1000 cuts

2+1 pull ups, 2+1 chin ups

 

Gratitude

- White pepper is a better spice than I thought

 

26.9 sat

1000 cuts 10 push ups

 

Gratitude

- A book about girl dying of leukemia, and the list she wanted to do before dying.

The bad things were written as they are. And the beatiful things were too.

Because of this, it was a very real, and beautiful book. It 'tasted of life', yanno?

- Good food with lots of salads & meat and a nice dessert.

- Taking amateur pictures of beautiful things so I'd remember them.

(Tip: carry a camera always, because just when you find extraordinary things, ofc you don't have it with you :angry: )

- Short, armor piercing quotes that capture something exquisite

- Wearing too much clothes and feeling really warm

 

2.10 Fri

1000 cuts 2x10 lunges each leg

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful that we do not have firearms in the house. It would be impulsive and messy way to go.

- Lack of a numpad makes roquelikes impossible to play on a laptop

- Starting to discover that spices do improve foods a lot

 

3.10

1000 cuts - a decent workout!!

Warmup 200 jumping jacks

3x10 burpees with push ups,

40 second, 20 second and 65s planks

 

Gratitude

- Getting new, cheap gloves. About time, the fall is getting cold.

- Some of the trees in fall are just ablaze!

 

4,10 Sun

Gratitude

- Actually reading to the Russian test,

so I don't have to fear failing it

- Lots of meat = lots of protein after the  workout

- Sleeping the whole night through

- Darker nights during fall make sleeping easier

(no more annoying improvised darkening curtains from blankets)

 

Tue 6.10

1000 cuts

5 minutes of streching

 

Gratitude

- Warm, fuzzy, confused feeling after an afternoon nap

- A quality meal at school

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Wed 7.10

No notes, can't remember

 

Thu 8.10

1000 cuts 2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

Gratitude Didn't write down.

 

Fri 9.10

2x2 pull ups, 2x1,5 chin ups, 2x65s plank, 10 push ups, 80 jumping jacks

(Aimed to replace a regular workout with a lot of 1000 cut things - worked about 30%, i'd say)

 

Gratitude

- Signed up for a Camera-club meeting. Basically a local pro from the club is coming to talk about photography,

and anyone, regardless of skill level is welcome. As I like to haul the old clunker with me to steal snapshots of sweet things,

excited!

 

I made a list of all the schoolwork, looked at it some, didn't bother marking any due dates and thought "fuck it, tomorrow".

That tomorrow has vaned to a week now.School, me not doing anything meaningful, everything feels like a dead end. 

 

10.10 Sat

Vacuum cleaned to whole house, even some outside the normal routine. Counting it as a one point.

 

11.10 Sun

With my mom, washed windows from the outside, and cleaned the fridge.

Another point. Just some general activity, but made me feel better.

 

12.10 Mon

-.

 

13.10 Tue

The fotography club went okay. He went through some basic tips,

and they were pretty good. But the thing is, when someone knows what they are doing,

the skill does show something amazing. I get always the feeling that there is so much I do not know.

Like, wow! :blink:

 

14.10 Wed

Raking the whole yard clean. At first, when I was not tired,

it even had a calm quality to it.

 

15.10

A four (max 5) from a Russian language test

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

There's so much schoolwork, I cannot hope to get it all done, probably ever.

I'm in a dead end, and feel alone. (you and family helps with that :love_heart: )

 

Thoughts I have been having:

Please God, if you have time, would you help my family, when I am gone?

 

Vitun ääliö, if you procrawtinate the schoolwork into something you can't handle,

whose fucking fault it is?

 

I should just go and die. Yes, you should. (repeat often)

 

God, I haven't even started on the schoolwork... or suicide notes - oh god, what should

I write in those? No. No... Definitely not that. Would it be worse to leave none?

 

Can't, won't, didn't, no. no. no. 

 

Playing, sleeping, reading. Only school the 2 lessons a week of Russian. Pitiful.

How much more do I allow this to wreak havoc in my life? Until I break?

 

Thinking about death makes me a little tear-eyed, solemn and sad.

 

Been sleeping less than usual early-night (because thoughtswon'tstop),

more than usual on the morning. Makes a cycle.

 

This morning I woke up well, and had clear moments from all of this.

I just can't. Need to try once more. Please. Just once again.

 

Hoping I am able to salvage something out of the last week of the challenge.

 

If I just get started on the schoolwork, it will be good.

Please, let it be that way. Let this one clear moment start something 

for the better.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuZmGQWAOu4

 

Kinda sums it up.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Sounds like you are finding a lot of stuff to be grateful for.

Yeah. It doesn't as much advance anything,

but it makes me feel happier. 

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

For the homework, just pick one assignment, possibly based on whichever notebook you grab first.

 

Or just flip a table and give up on school completely, possibly with a bit of streaking.  It won't matter if you're dead. 

 

Going to a crisis center and/or getting medicated seems like a middle of the road thing between using willpower to keep struggling and just ending it.

 

Being unskilled labor or something you train on-the-job might suit you.  If schoolwork gives you anxiety, what would it be like to have a desk job?

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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Hey, you finally checked in on other people's threads.  I hope your silence was because you buckled down on your schoolwork and didn't have time to update your progress.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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