Cephalopod Dreams battles inertia

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I generally drink red wine, so I try not to beat myself up too much as it's lower in sugar and carbs (although admittedly still not healthy!)

 

I'm off to get new bike gear this weekend, then it's time to start getting back to karate and the gym. I just need to remember to take it slow and not hurt myself all over again. 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I had yet another hospital appointment today, and unfortunately part of that involved getting weighed. I came in at 10 stone 3 lbs.

Now that number makes me feel unhappy and ashamed of myself, but I'm making a conscious effort to be logical about it. The heaviest I've ever been was 10 stone 4, and that was in 2011 when I graduated. Between the stress of my degree and an as then undiagnosed chronic illness I was actively struggling with bulimia and I was miserable. I was a UK size 14.

I might weigh the same now as I did then, but despite a 3 month break I am still stronger and more active than I was and i'm a UK size 10-12, so I know a good portion of the weight is muscle.

2 and a half years ago I was just 7 stone 4, and it was the happiest I had ever been with my body. I was a size 8 and I love it, no matter how many of my friends said I looked ill. I started gaining weight when my partner and friends begged me, saying they were worried about me. I know I'm stronger now than I was then, and I couldn't have made those gains without gaining weight, but a part of me wishes I had just stuck with what made me happy.

What I would like to do now is lose some fat without sacrificing too much muscle. I'm hoping that way I can find a balance between strength and size that can make me happy.

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

Ok, so last week  I actually had a really good week. I went 5 days without alcohol during the week, I was consistent with my mood tracking  and I managed to notice when I was being irrational.

 

This week is off to a good start as I'm back on the bike as of yesterday, and I also went back to karate on Monday. Fingers crossed this means I can now get back on track. I'm even doing  a good job today of avoiding the cakes in the office. 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

Karate again tonight and I'm really looking forward to it! I had friends over to play Dark |Heresy last night and I didn't have any alcohol : I've even convinced my friends and SO to cut back! And I went to the shops today to get snacks and I bought grapes and sugar snap peas and no chocolate. I even resisted the urge to go to Costa. Hooray! 

 

Let's see if I can make these little changes stick. 

 

P.S. I discovered that there's an android app for TED Talks where you can bookmark and download the videos - or just download the audio! It's been really good to sit and listen to them and I've found a couple that I think I will have to put on repeat until the message sinks in.

[SevenofSeven]

Well done you on the drinking and the snacking! AND getting to ride again Awesome!

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

Well last week was pretty good, and I am doing well this week already so that's pretty awesome. My only problem at the moment is that my SO is really anti exercise and anti health, and they're starting to complain that I'm spending too much time exercising.  I don't think that two evenings of karate per week and one saturday gym session is excessive, but they feel differently. My problem is that I actually want to start doing more - I'm trying to find a way to add yoga into my routine, and an extra strength session somewhere.

 

Anyone else had to deal with this? 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I was going to go to the gym last night, but I decided to do a small workout at home instead (stretches and body weight stuff) so that my SO didn't feel neglected. We've got friends visiting tonight, Karate tomorrow and more friends on Friday so I now wont be able to get into the gym until the weekend.

 

I've swapped my biscuit breakfasts for simple meat and cheese to up my protein intake and reduce carbs, and even though I stayed in and had wine last night I only had two small glasses and that's the first alcohol I've had since Sunday.

 

I know I've really only been back into the exercise game for a week and a half, but I can't weight to start seeing the number on the scale going down. I feel huge and what little strength I have isnt enough to counter that feeling. I'm still miles away from doing a press up or a pull up. I just want some progress that I can see. 

[SevenofSeven]

My SO, doesn't workout with me either, he is also a drinker, I am not. I just explained to him that I workout so I feel better, therefore I am a better Mum to the kids, I have more energy, more gets done, I am happier and moods stabilise. So me working out benefits everyone.

I wish he would come out and join me. Maybe one day.

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

Minor setback : I discovered today that I've spent the last month accidentally taking DOUBLE my dose of antidepressants. No wonder I've been feeling weird. Seeing my pharmacist tomorrow to sort it out but now I know that I'm going to have to halve my current dose and that definitely means I'm going to go crazy for a while. I'm not sure if I'm already being paranoid but I was distinctly unimpressed with the response from my SO when I told them what had happened. Rather than being supportive or reassuring when I explained my mix up their only comment was "That was stupid.".

Joy. 

[SevenofSeven]

Not liking your post because of SO comment, but because you found out there may be a legit reason for feeling crap/weird. I hope it all works out for the best. Problem found, problem solved.

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

Thanks Seven,

 

Back on normal meds now which is very very good, and with the exception of a missed day on Thursday I'm back into the routine.

 

Had a non-fitness related victory yesterday as the weather was lovely and I managed to get out in the garden and plant some seeds. Bonus points because I got my daughter to spend a couple of hours in the garden with me helping with bulbs and seeds, rather than sat indoors on her tablet. Success! 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

All the action has been over on my challenge thread this month.

 

Quick update for people following here: I'm back at karate, I've started pilates and slooooowly my strength is improving. Yay!

 

Relationship stuff is still hard, but at least work and fitness are going OK  

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I didnt make it to karate last night as I wasnt feeling well, but I intend to go to pilates tonight so that might help make up for it.

 

I've been slowly working my way through 'Level up your Life' and I'm trying to really think about my why and my goals. 

 

I was born in 1990, and when I was a very young girl my favourite TV shows were Xena and Hercules. I don't know how many of you will be familiar with those. In hindsight they are tacky and a bit silly; the special effects are just awful and the plots fairly transparent. But I LOVED them. I loved Xena in particular. I didn't realise it at the time but I loved how strong she was, how sexual and independent and powerful. I loved the heroics, the fantasy - I loved the idea of adventure and excitement and I especially loved the idea that that could be me one day.

 

When I got a little older I fell equally in love with Buffy. I guess I'm lucky that I had so many strong female role models on TV. It never occurred to me that girls should be weak or helpless. I always wanted to be strong and fearless.

 

From as young as 8 years old I knew that I wanted to grow up to have piercings and tattoos; I wanted to have a girlfriend and ride a motorbike and be as brave and as awesome as my heros were. I was pretty pleased with myself last year when I stopped and looked at my life and realised that I had actually achieved all of those things. 

 

However, I also realised just how much I had been trying to perform my identity. I had this image in my head of who I wanted to be and I felt like the only way I could achieve those things was to change the external parts of myself - the visible stuff. So I got pierced and tattooed and I wondered why I still didnt feel like myself. 

 

I know now it's because none of that had anything to do with being a hero.

 

Since I found Nerd Fitness though I feel like I finally have a guide to get the hero part sorted. Slowly but surely I'm getting stronger, braver, more confident. Now I can really focus on achieving that hero stuff that I thought was so far beyond my reach. As a teenager I was overweight, with bad knees and asthma and i KNEW I could never be one of my heroes. But now I know better. Now I know all I have to do is work for it.

 

I'm sorry if this had been a bit of a rant, or if it doesnt make any sense. But I feel like I finally know why this is so important to me, and it's given me the determination to continue. 

[SevenofSeven]

Well done you! I think you have taken a huge step forward.  

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

My abs still ache from Pilates on Tuesday! Karate tonight ought to stretch them out though. I've had a busy day at work and spent my lunchbreak trying (Still!!) to sort out solicitors and insurance stuff from my accident at the end of january. Turns out the 'minor inconvenience' of my provider screwing up my claim is actually a major issue and is going to screw up all insurance going forward until the solicitors settle, as they've registered the accident as my fault even though it wasnt and now apparently cant change it. GAH!

 

I am very very tempted to go home and drink a lot of wine, but hopefully I will manage to stay strong and go punch things at karate instead. 

 

 

EDIT: Also, I think the only way I can make time for both pilates and strength training is to do one after the other - ie. do my strength training after pilates. It means one extra late night on a weekday and more of my saturday morning but if I want to commit to this (and I do! Six months with no visible improvement is beyond depressing!) then that's how it will have to be.

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I didn't go to karate last night - I wanted to, but I had solicitors forms to fill in that I've been procrastinating over for three weeks, so I bit the bullet and sat down to do my boring forms. On the plus side I can now send those in today! So hopefully that will be one less thing to stress about now. 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I tried uploading some progress photos last night but it wouldnt let me, so I'm going to try again today. I have a new challenge up which I will link in my signature. I'm starting this challenge feeling really down, and I can't see any progress now compared to six months ago when I joined NF. I'm heavier now, I feel chunkier and even fewer of my clothes fit well. 

 

The pictures at the top are from October 2015, the pictures on the bottom are from April 04 2016. 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

Today was a very, very interesting day. 

 

Today I saw a physiotherapist, who I was referred to following my accident at the end of January. My physiotherapist was really good - he spotted that I was hyper-mobile from the way I was holding my phone! Also he was absolutely brimming with interesting information. Did you know:

• There's a correlation between people who have hyper-mobility and people who develop an autoimmune condition?
• If you are hyper-mobile - even if it's not extreme enough that you dislocate joins easily - you should still be under the care of a professional to correct your posture and imbalances?
• Hyper-mobility and poor posture contribute to chronic pain and can exaggerate neuropathic pain. 

Before today I didn't know ANY of these things. It seems like something that someone should have mentioned! I've see so many specialists for my pain and my autoimmune and no one ever connected the dots. I'm now going to do some research on initiatives that he suggested I look into. He's going to recommend me for 8 - 10 sessions. It's going to be a pain to organise with work since he wants to see me twice a week but I think it will be worth it if it can help with my pain. 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

I feel like I'm falling off the wagon. I'm trying to stay focused and positive, but I still haven't made any progress in strength or weight. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough? I feel miserable, and all out of energy to try again. Maybe I'm just doomed to stay chubby and unhealthy. 

[Cephalopod_Dreams]

*waves* Hi, again. I dropped off the wagon for a little bit but no one noticed so that's ok  Also I haven't actually gained any weight. I'm 10 stone 2 lbs, which is about where I've been for the last 3 - 4 months regardless of exercise or eating habits, so screw it. 

 

A combination of general illness, painful physio after my accident and general relationship stress kept me away from karate and being less mindful of my food. It's not just NF, I even ended up abandoning Habitica again and I love that app! 

 

But I'm back now: karate yesterday, pilates today, the addition of protein shakes to my diet (yay for potions!) and I've even joined an IRL friend in committing to learn a new language via DuoLingo - Hooray!

 

Let's see how long I can keep this up before completely burning out again. ALSO I only just realised that I can follow people on here and I dont have to hunt down their latest post and follow it each time, and then inevitable lose track of them at the end of each challenge. I am an idiot, but hopefully I can fix that.