Stressing out :-( Any tips?

[Mel The Hangry]

I'm having issues blocking a particular stressor a person who f***ed me over and the thought of her stress and angers me internally which for me shows through tensed neck and back muscles, headaches and stomach acting funny.

 

I've cut her out of my life and wedding photos (she was one of my bridesmaids sadly enough) but because we are friends with her ex and they have kids together and she is just recently giving him grief and he brings her up in conversation which doesn't help.

 

Recently I've noticed myself thinking about her and how I wish I stopped being friends with her 3 years ago when I had the chance,  when my mind wanders which only anger and stresses me.

 

At the same time I had 1/2 a year to a year there where I never thought of her once and my life became 100% better without her in it, how do I get back to that happy point? Any stress tips? Help?

[BaconHunter]

The simple (but not easy) solution I see is to seek closure. Talk to her, tell her how she makes you feel. This is not about becoming friends again, but clearly stating how you see the relationship. 

 

You could look for a way to "ignore" her or find a way to cope with the stress (the symptom), but ultimately, wouldn't you want to be able eliminate the root cause of the problem indefinitely?

 

She probably won't be the last person in your life that can cause this kind of stress. I think it's better to find a way to deal with these people.

[Bullroarer Took]

Radical acceptance.  Being mad at her for being her is no different than being mad at a bee for stinging you.  You can't change her.  You can't undo what has already been done.  FInd that place of just observing the facts of what she has done.  Don't judge what she has done just accept it.  It will be fleeting but when you drift away just center on that acceptance again.  She may have done you wrong but your anger does not avenge that and only harms you further.

[Rostov]

This is really tough. I think I recognise the kind of stress that you're talking about, though in my case it was about a work situation rather than about a particular person. If it's what I think it is, it's a bit like a whirlpool or black hole... you can be minding your own business when suddenly, for some reason or for none, you find yourself thinking about the stressor and being pulled in... thinking about it more and more and more and re-experiencing all of the pain and fury all over again as you're sucked back into the vortex. For me, I could feel it happening, could feel myself being pulled in and pulled under, and often knew it was happening but just wasn't able to prevent it or stop myself.

 

Shifting mindsets and stopping this happening is tough. Time helps, obviously. One thing that helped me was realising that what I was stressed and angry about wasn't personal - it was personal in the sense that it happened to me, but it wasn't personal in that those involved planned it and designed it to cause me harm - I was collateral damage and happened to be in the way. Realising that helped. Another thing that helped - as time passed - was coming to see that my life could and would be better, that I could cope with change, and had that resilience and adaptability. I don't know where I heard the phrase "the best revenge is living well", but it helped me. Can you focus on the good friends that you do have, and their virtues and loyalty and the relationship you have with them?

 

Have you tried mindfulness? I undertook a course earlier this year which was interesting, and although I'm not practising at the moment I've always got the option to return to it if things get tough. As part of the course we discussed destructive thought patterns which lead to us dwelling on things which make us stressed/sad/angry. One image that was used was of waiting at a bus stop..... the thoughts will always come and go, but it's up to us whether to get on that bus and stay with that thought. The aim is to not get on the bus... to accept it and let it pass without getting on board.

 

Our facilitator also shared this poem, which was interesting....

http://mymeditativemoments.com/realization-for-change/

 

Unless I'm entirely wrong and just projecting my experiences onto you, in which case apologies, this is a very tough place to be in when you're fixated on something bad that happened. But time helps, and I think there are ways to start to change your thought processes. But it's not easy.

[Adrianne]

Oh how I know about this. I had a run in with my boyfriend so called best friend and things really got bad. It got to the point of me and my man splitting up and living seperatly for a year before finding our way back to eachother. She was horrible to me. Really lovelly to other people as I know but there was just something between us that was really bad. We tried to ignore eachother but yeah....it didn't work because we were just so intertwined with my boyfriend.

 

Eventually it all came crashing down and I refused to talk to her. She started some rumors about me online and yeah...things got ugly. But I managed to get her to agree to meet me and actually talk about it because I belived that it would be good for us both to get som closure. I was hoping that we at least could have walked away from that meeting having formed a shaky truse. But nope. She made it very very clear that Everything that had happened was my fault and that she hated my guts. It ended up with me sitting there listening to her rant for almost 2 hours and then getting up and walking away. It made me realise that you are NEVER alone in a missunderstanding. It take two to tango. And she was just as mush to blame as me.

 

My point here is that do what YOU think you need to get closure. Talk to the person, ignore them, backtrack, anything. Just be respectful. Because even if this person hurt you really bad it is still a person. And honestly being a b*tch to the person will only come back to you in the end, it always does. Getting some kind of end to it all is a good idea. And in the future don't beat yourself up over thinking about the person now and then. Sometimes it is really nice to have a good rant but remember to let it go. Just let the feelings flow through you and dissapear into thin air. You got this. Time will heal you. Sounds corny but I promise it becomes easier to not think about them in time.

 

Let it take time. Talk to someone you have close that you can trust and confide in. And even if you can't do that now try to aim for being polite towards the person in the future. If you are moving in the same social circles you will probably run into this person in the future and there is no need for you to be a douche about it. I understand you don't want to talk to the person but a smile and a friendly nod, even maybe a "hello" and leave it at that.

(It irritates them utterly and my inner witch laughs like a maniac every time it happens. XD)

[Mel The Hangry]

Thanks BaconHunter, Jenglish, Rostov & Adrianne you have all be super helpful.

 

Rostov you hit the nail on the head and I feel like I can start getting back to normal now I know how I need to think, I love the analogies used they are very helpful.

 

I'm past the point of seeing her but I don't need to for closure plus I wouldn't want to see her anyway. Luckily socially I wont see her because all of our friends have stopped being friends with her because of the type of person she is.

 

I'll be back to normal in no time, Thank you everyone :-D

[Raincloak]

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."  -- Oscar Wilde