Jody - Fighting For My Life

[jody]

FOOD LOG:

• Breakfast:  It was about 7:30 this morning.  I sat on my love seat and ate 2 cups of fruity pebbles, dry (I was out of milk).  I ate alone, with my dog staring at me with those forlorn eyes, hoping I would drop something!  While I ate my breakfast, I browsed news apps on my phone.  Something I was hoping would engage my mind, and help me wake up!  I was feeling super tired and lazy, and wanted to go back to bed.  After I was done, I did just that.
• Lunch:  It was about 2 in the afternoon, and I felt ravenous!  I had just dropped off my daughter at work and stopped by In-N-Out burger on the way home.  I had a hamburger with onion and extra pickles, a french fries, and a medium coke.  I also used a catsup packet.  I ate alone, in my car, while parked and listening to the radio.  I felt incredibly hungry before I ate, while I ate I was in happy-ville, and after I ate I felt contented.
• Dinner:  I have not had dinner yet.  I might report dinner on tomorrow's log, just before breakfast.  I am still working out the kinks on how I want to utilize this "battle log" thing.

ACTIVITY LOG:

• Fetch with Rowdy:  I played fetch with my australian shepherd, Rowdy.  We played for about 30 minutes.  This is a minimal exertion activity on my part, generally.
• Nerd Fitness Beginner Body Weight Workout:  Well, I tried anyway.  I am a big woman, and my body weight is enormously difficult for me even standing, let alone in movement.  I did not do more than one "circuit", and my "circuit" was modified to:  20 body weight squats with my walker, 10 modified push-ups (on my knees) with a lot of rest between each one, 8 "lunges" (I can't do a proper lunge, have to find a modification until I am more fit than I am currently), 10 dumbell rows with a 3 pound dumbell, 0 second plank (I was unable to assume that position, need a modifier), and 10 "jumping jacks" horribly modified because I am completely unable to jump, but I did try it, and was unable to do more than 10.  I am so out of shape.

SPIRITUAL LOG:

• Listened to K-Love on the radio, I love that station.
• Prayer

SOBRIETY LOG:

• I have been sober for 68 days now.
• I am working on step 4, inventory.

MENTAL HEALTH LOG:

• I have really struggled with my depression lately.  I have missed quite a lot of work, actually.  I sometimes forget to take my medications.  It is not that I don't want to.  It's just that, even with alarm reminders, I get absent minded.  I will turn off the alarm and two seconds later forget what I went to go do (which is go take medication).  It's very difficult to manage my mental illness.  I saw my psychiatrist yesterday.  He gave me two new prescriptions.  I have not started them yet, I am always nervous about starting something new/different.  But I will start them, and I will be as compliant as I can be.

[HedgeMage]

Hey, Jody, congrats on getting started!

 

Be sure to ask lots of questions if you need help figuring out how to scale things for where you are at right now.  Many of us have been heavy to the point that the standard bodyweight workout stuff just didn't work, and we're happy to share what we learned.

[jody]

FOOD LOG:

• Breakfast:  It was about 9:30 this morning.  I sat in my car as it idled outside of McDonalds.  I ate alone, listening to music on the radio.  I felt guilty, knowing that what I was putting into my body was terrible for me, and opposite of what I should be eating!  I have a food problem.  I can't seem to figure out how to make myself actually make good choices.  I make poor ones all the time, and then feel guilty about it.  
  
• Lunch:  It was about 4 in the afternoon, and I felt weak and shakey.  I'm sure the poor breakfast choices had a lot to do with it.  I had just left a parent teacher conference with my kids' step-mom.  (We get along great, by the way.)  She offered to buy me Taco Bell.  I was more than happy to let her do just that.  I ate a hard taco supreme and one of those Doritos hard tacos.  And drank a large Pepsi.  Again, bad choices.  I didn't care.
  
• Dinner:  I had forgotten to eat dinner, and didn't notice until after 9 p.m.  My adult daughter and I ordered a pizza from Dominos.  She ate one whole slice.  I finished the rest of the medium sausage pizza.  Washed it down with water.  That's good at least, right?  No, I'm not kidding myself.  I know the whole day was a disaster.  I have a food problem.  I binge eat like mad, feeling guilty the whole time.  It's a bad habit.  I have to figure out how to force myself to stop doing that.
  

ACTIVITY LOG:

• Fetch with Rowdy:  I played fetch with my australian shepherd, Rowdy.  We played for about 30 minutes.  This is a minimal exertion activity on my part, generally.
  
• I was still sore from my previous attempt at the Nerd Fitness Beginner Body Weight Workout:  I am so out of shape.  It's depressing.  The more I overeat, the more I gain weight, the more difficult moving becomes, and the more discouraged I get, and it's a cycle.  The discouragement leads to binge eating.  Bleh!  Feels hopeless!
  

SPIRITUAL LOG:

• Went to my church's addiction recovery program.
  
• Spent some time in prayer today.  Don't feel I was very sincere to be honest.  I felt angry with God.
  
• Read a few uplifting things, felt better afterwards.
  

SOBRIETY LOG:

• I have been sober for 70 days now.
  
• I am working on step 4, inventory.
  
• I attended a 12 step meeting today.
  

MENTAL HEALTH LOG:

• I struggled today with my eating disorder (binge eating, food addition, whatever).  I also had guilt and depression because of it.  I did remember to take my medications today.  AND I remembered to drop off the prescription for the new medication that my psychiatrist wrote for me to try.  
  

NOTES:

• Maybe I'm not serious enough to be doing this.  I want to change, but I feel like the challenges of changing myself are insurmountable!  My mental illness takes over me, and I struggle and fail.  My eating disorder gets the better of me all of the time.  I struggle.  If I don't do better, I will die at a young age.  My doctor told me I had to shed 100 pounds within 18 months!  In the past 2 weeks I have gained 5.  I feel like it's hopeless!  This battle log is gonna be 100% honest.  Unflinching and fearless.  Not that there won't be fear.  But that I won't let fear stop me from being 100% honest about my struggles, my failures, my faults, and my successes.  I hope that by being brutally honest, I will find whatever it is I need to make a change.
  

[HedgeMage]

It's up to you whether you are serious enough; you just have to decide to be.

 

"Serious enough" doesn't mean perfect, doesn't mean quick results or even a perfect upward trend; it means that when things are hard and suck and you fall down and do it wrong, or worse, you do it all right and it doesn't seem to be working...you don't give up.  You regroup, you try again, you look for new strategies, you keep going.

 

It's kind of amazing how many things I've really seriously screwed up in my life and still made it to where I am anyway.  The thing is, I spend a lot of my time and energy in any given period on making myself and my life better...and in the long run it pays off.  Little victories add up.

 

Pick *one* thing you can do today to make yourself better, even if it's tiny, then do it.  It might just be making a plan and writing that plan down.  That's okay.  It's a start, and starting is a win in itself.  The best way to screw up your chances at progress is to think up reasons not to give yourself credit for achievements, because it trains your brains not to seek out more achievements.  Give yourself credit for everything you do right, no matter how small!

 

Susan

[LeftRadical]

Reading where you are mentally sounds like the story of my life - I'm an alcoholic (20 days sober!) and it felt like I could never do anything right - every decision was another screw-up. But my psychologist (a sweet but flaky man) helped me to realise what was going wrong. That's the reason I'm able to be sober today.

I bet you can see with a laser eye all your mistakes, but I bet you don't see your successes. You need to give yourself credit for every good thing you do - don't minimalise it or trivialise it - you did that, be proud! You're 70 days sober now! I can't even imagine that - you are amazing. Let yourself feel that pride in accomplishment, you deserve it.

And just as importantly you need to stop hating on yourself for every little mistake you make. It's done, over. Time to build some self-respect.

And take it slow. We need sustainable change, and that means changing one tiny habit at a time. We only have so much willpower. (And beating ourselves up saps that willpower). Change only one thing. Maybe you say - I will have one less soft drink this week. That's it. That's the change you make. And you be proud of yourself for accomplishing it. And next week you say I'll have one less again. That's the way to make change that sticks snd you'll find it snowballs. Don't set yourself up for failure, set yourself small achievable goals that step stone you to where you want to be.

My psychologist convinced me this time to taper down on alcohol rather than go cold turkey. And he also told me to write down all my feelings and the situations I was in when I was drinking. Most useful advice ever. The journalling lead me to remember and understand what I was looking for from alcohol (which I ultimately wasn't getting) and how I felt, and the tapering (changing a habit one small step at a time) enabled me to build a sense of pride and self-respect.

One night, about a week in, I drank the limit I allowed myself, and then I drank more. I felt so guilty about it - but that wasn't a motivating emotion. What was motivating, was that for the first time in many years I knew what it was like to feel proud of myself, and I wanted that feeling back desperately. I picked myself back up and the next night I stick to my limit.

The next week I was on a business trip. Miserable and alone in a situation is normally be drinking in. And I had to fight to stay sober - but what motivated me was that pride and self-respect.

You can accomplish anything if you respect yourself and others. Believe in yourself. I know you can do amazing things, just take them one step at a time.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[bigdude]

 

SPIRITUAL LOG:

• Went to my church's addiction recovery program.
• Spent some time in prayer today.  Don't feel I was very sincere to be honest.  I felt angry with God.
• Read a few uplifting things, felt better afterwards.

SOBRIETY LOG:

• I have been sober for 70 days now.
• I am working on step 4, inventory.
• I attended a 12 step meeting today.

...

 

NOTES:

• Maybe I'm not serious enough to be doing this.  ..

 

1) God can handle your anger.  Talk with him about it.  You are created by the living God in his image.  He loves you.  Just keep talking to him.  and listening to him through reading the Bible.

2) I can't say I can fully appreciate the struggle to be sober for 70 days, but congratulations!

3) What's that you say about being serious enough?  See number 2.  That doesn't happen by accident.

 

Keep at it.  I'm on the 100lb road too.  It's a long road, but it's a road like any other... every small step you make forward gets you closer to your destination.