[The Most Loathed] learns....slowly

[The Most Loathed]

Just a note to say thanks. A couple folks reached out directly too and I appreciate that. 

This has been brutal and a rollercoaster at times. Sunday was a high, today's been a bit low. Tonight I'm meeting my bi-weekly game group. The rest of this week will pretty much be given over to move prep and moving this weekend. 

[LouCarJo]

I've tried to send you a PM but it won't work.  Just to say I'm thinking of you (only just saw this all today).  I'm glad you've reached out and got yourself some support through all of this.

[WhiteGhost]

Sorry to hear about the separation.  Thinking of you and hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

[Elastigirl]

Glad you have some friends to help you. Sorry that you are going this. 

[The Most Loathed]

It's been forever since my last post. Thank you to each of you who have commented. I do appreciate it. I've been a bit preoccupied, as you might imagine. I'm not really sure where to start on this post but I have two big topics that I really want to cover, the separation itself and Lexapro. It's quite likely I will only get to one before I run out of steam but I'll try to come back and do the other later. 

 

Weekend before last, Laura and I went and looked at single apartments in our building and found out that the earliest that one of us could move was September. At that point we couldn't go a day without all the emotions imaginable coming up. It was unsustainable. At that point we looked at some other buildings around us and found a really nice single unit that I could move into the following weekend. We booked it. 

Last weekend @Sloth the Enduring and my massage therapist and Laura spent two hours moving me from one building to another building, less than a block away. They all busted their asses to make it happen and I really appreciate the effort. As of this morning, I unpacked my last large box. I do still need to spend another 4 hours or so organizing but that's it. I'm in a new apartment. 

I will be honest in saying that the separation has been less difficult than I had feared. I haven't even been there for a week yet and I've seen Laura every day so far. That won't last. The key is to be ready when that time comes, whenever that is. The distance has been good (although I can see her balcony from my window and vice versa). We both needed to stop having emotional days and emotional nights. The irony was that we had a conversational breakthrough last week that would have probably made staying in the same apartment survivable, but leases were signed and this probably is easier. 

I don't have a ton of stuff, well, with kettlebells I probably have a literal ton of stuff, but I don't have a lot of things in my apartment. I kind of like it as is. I will probably eventually need to get some more pots and pans but I'm good for now. I need to put away my electronics, which I keep questioning why I have since I haven' touched them in months. I have good books for reading and some other things to consume time. 

Ok, that ended up being shorter than I expected. I guess the logistics of it just aren't complicated. The emotions, obviously, are.

 

I started Lexapro something like 3 weeks ago. It's been life changing for me. I started it because I just could not cope with the separation as a concept. I was useless. I knew I needed to talk to a therapist or someone  but I also had a sense that I needed more. I went to a GP and she gave me a little quiz that told her that I was depressed and anxious, in a clinical way. So, she prescribed Lexapro.

I've taken it once a day since and have learned and awful lot about myself. It takes a while for the drug to do it's thing, or that's what they tell you. The first day I noticed differences. Over time they solidified and became more stable. 

I have always had a lot of conflicting thought in my head, all at the same time. I've talked about the quitter voice, the part of my brain that tells me to put the bells down in a tough set. All of that has cleared up. I now just have one strong thread running through my brain. It's been amazing.

The drug has also done its mode stabilizing thing. I can still get a little choked up talking about the potential of my marriage ending, I think that's normal, but it doesn't carry me away to a grief I can't recover from when it happens. I needed this drug to get through these tough times but I'm also learning that I very likely needed it for most of my life. My mind is clearer, I can remember numbers, all kinds little issues that just made me suspect I was retarded and sneaking by as normal, have just gone away. 

The one down side is I can't sleep through the night. I get about 4 hours of sleep and then I'm awake for 2 hours. I haven't found a way to not have this happen yet. It's not a huge deal being alone, I can just get up and read or unpack or whatever for a bit and then go back to bed. However, that's not my long term plan for it. I'll address it with my GP when I go back next week and hopefully she'll have a solution.

Oh, I also lost a bunch of compulsive tendencies. One of them, is my near need to eat any food placed in front of me and the easy with which I succumb to cravings. As a result, I've lost ten pounds. It's been really strange. Most people gain weight on these meds but for me it's not been that way at all.

Anyway, I need to get back to logging. I can tell I'm way out of practice. I don't yet have anywhere to sit in my apartment so that's been a hinderance but soon. 

[Shello]

Sorry to hear about all that you are going through.  I've been through something similar quite recently so if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.  

[Rooks]

Thank you for the thoughts on Lexapro. I've been so averse to drugs, prescription or not, my whole life. Apparently the war on drugs worked for me. But more and more I'm hearing stories similar to yours of people who are trying to find the right kinds of medications to get to "normal". Part of me is still a little leery, saying it's not normal if you have to take a drug to get there, but if people are happier and managing things properly (i.e. through a doctor who actually cares about them), then who am I to say no. 

 

Anyway, that's why hearing your story is good for me to read. The drug is helping you and it's good for me to hear that story, to help me overcome my bias of all drugs being bad. They do help people and I need to remember that.

 

Hope you are doing well this week, and I'll reach out to you soon about lunch as that isn't just a lip-service thing I want to do.

[Sylvaa]

21 hours ago, Rooks said:

Anyway, that's why hearing your story is good for me to read. The drug is helping you and it's good for me to hear that story, to help me overcome my bias of all drugs being bad. They do help people and I need to remember that.

 

(Not my thread - sorry)! This was totally me for the longest time! And while I'll still never be a fan of medication as a first resort, I was reminded of something that really helped me reconcile that people sometimes need a medication to help them. If we had a loved one that had Type 1 diabetes, we would encourage them to take their medication. So why would something for mental health issues be any different? 

 

Sorry you are going through all this TML - I feel like there should be a NF accountability group for everyone going through break-ups recently.  Rooting for everything working out the way it is supposed to. 

[The Most Loathed]

I think I've mentioned this before but it's worth mentioning again and needs to be mentioned if I haven't. This whole mess has brought out a really cool community of people around me who have been amazingly supportive. I think I've had one night since moving out where I didn't have someone I was meeting up with. I don't need that level of comfort and community but it's awesome to know that it is there. I honestly would not have expected it. Even tomorrow I'm going climbing with a mutual friend of Laura's and mine just for some time with people. I've been more social in the past week than anytime before. 

@Shello - thank you for our private conversation. It's been very helpful and I will PM you again this week.

@Rooks - I think I'm free for lunch all week but I'll try to remember to confirm on Monday. Feel free to text me to remind me to get you some availability. 

@Sylvaa - definitely don't be sorry. I'm happy that people are discussing this. 

 

...ok, cutting this off here because I started it a week ago an never finished. posting a short note right after

[The Most Loathed]

I'm writing this from my single apartment on a Saturday afternoon. It's both weird and normal at this point to be sitting here. 

 

Drugs

Lexapro has really changed my life. I can control my emotions for the first time in my life. As a part of that, my appetite is under control and I'm now south of 210 and falling. It means I function everyday regardless off the chaos in my life right now. It also means that I've uncovered and whole pile of coping mechanisms I had come to rely on to get through the day. I'm a different person who can remember and process things I never could before. It doesn't mean that some things are challenging for me right now though.

 

Separation

We're still separated and will be until probably December. Some days we know that when December gets here, we'll be back together. Other days, like today, both of us wonder if we aren't just better calling it and moving one with our respective lives, as friends. Those days hurt both of us. 

In the meantime I've been seeing a therapist to deal with some of my mess. The first couple times she just listened and I just talked, which I found cathartic. The last two sessions though, she still just listened, it's not really cathartic anymore and I'm hoping that we can take some kind of next step so that I can work on being a better person. We've also seen a marriage counselor a few times. She seems to be really good at her job but it's still early so we haven't made a ton of progress there.

 

Training

I got a couple good workouts in last week. Monday I went down to get a workout in a bit early and guess what. No kettlebells. All of them were gone. 

I went to the building staff that was here at they time and they said that the bells had probably just been put somewhere since the building owners were on site. Ok, not my favorite but if they would just tell me where they are, I'd be happy to haul them back myself. No one knew. I asked everyday for a week. Finally, today I was told that the maintenance manager has them and I'm not allowed to keep them in the gym. Great. So I asked how I get them back from the maintenance manager. Crickets. I'm super grumpy about this. This was supposed to be test week and I was fired up to get something done.

I did do a barbell workout on Friday but that's it. It was good but I'm still not happy with training this week. Next week will be better. 

 

Other stuff

I still don't have anything resembling routine. That's ok for now but I'm sure I will begin to seek routine more as I'm feeling more at home. 

 

I feel like I should have more to write but that's all I've got for now. 

[Sloth the Enduring]

I’m glad you checked in. I bet the maintenance dude who had to move them was pissed; I’m pretty sure you have an actual ton of kettlebells.

[EricMN]

I don't know how you feel, but I can understand why. I've also found myself sitting alone, feeling familiar and unnatural simultaneously. I'm glad you're working with a therapist. My family has dealt with mental health issues for so long that I don't remember a time when one of me or my kids weren't seeing a doc and a therapist.

 

Ans @Sylvaa's comparison to Type I diabetics and insulin is the one we use. There's no shame in either therapy in our house.

 

I'm a praying man. You're in my thoughts.

[Bearlee]

I'm glad you've got a support system around you. I can't remember how many times you've supported other people and it's nice to see it coming back to you.

 

It may be too soon to mention, but a while back you mentioned you're single gamer friend and you liked some of the things he's been able to do like astro-photography and kayaking. I'm not saying go out and buy expensive equipment but perhaps look online on how to do astro-photography (I liked the Planetary Society's video) or go to a local lake and rent a kayak. Like I said perhaps too soon, but something to think about in the future.

[The Most Loathed]

20 hours ago, Bearlee said:

I'm not saying go out and buy expensive equipment but

Oh, I bought an electric guitar. My first lesson is tomorrow.

 

 

[Sloth the Enduring]

You seem like someone who would have an SG-1.

[Bearlee]

Now you have me confused. The only SG-1 I’m familiar with is the Stargate variety.

 

And if you want to buy equipment feel free, I just want you to feel pressured that you had to. Hope you enjoy your lesson.

 

How did the climbing session go? And keep us up to date on the kettle bells. I’m on the edge of my seat in anticipation.

[The Most Loathed]

I opted for a Fender Telcaster. By opted I mean, I walked into a guitar store that really favors Fender products and said "I want to learn to play guitar. I know nothing, I have nothing, and I'd like to walk out of here with everything for $1,000". They looked really stressed out until I said my budget and it was like the governor had called at 5 to midnight. I imagine they get a lot of people who want to walk out of there for 10% of that. 

One of the guys walked me around and showed me a Stratocaster, this Telecaster and a Les Gibson that all hit my price range. A lot of the sites I have read have said that especially for your first guitar, just pick the most comfortable one. After you learn to play some songs and hear the differences, then you can lean towards one manufacturer or another and go for specific looks and feels. The Fenders felt better in hand than the Les Gibson did. I had kind of thought I would walk out with a Stratocaster but the Telicaster had a little more weight, which I really liked. The guys selling it to me seemed pretty excited about the guitar so either it's good or it's terrible and they were glad to see someone get it out of their inventory.

Some things I don't totally understand involve the guitar pickups. Gibson and Fender use different types and amounts of pick ups. This one appears to be something of a hybrid. It uses Humbucklers, which is a Gibson trait but, as I understand it, in a Fender arrangement. I frankly have no idea but I enjoy picking it up and working on chords most days. That's what I got it for so, so far, so good. 

 

 

[The Most Loathed]

Proof of life post!

I owe a million updates but don't have time right now. My life is still a bit of a roller coaster on the marriage front. I'm taking guitar lessons and loving it. I worked out once last week. All of my kettlebells have gone missing (yep). 

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Who sees kettlebells and thinks, man, I have to have those? 

[Rooks]

Ugh... that sucks so bad. I know last we talked we thought the maintenance guy had them. Hopefully they show up soon. No worries on the updates. Online updates are never the priority.  

[RisenPhoenix]

Glad you're alive!  I've been wondering how you've been while I've been running around and not being particularly good at being on the forum the last two weeks.

 

7 hours ago, Jittersthe.Clown said:

Who sees kettlebells and thinks, man, I have to have those? 

 

Moreover, who thinks that and then had the time to pick all that up and move them without being called on it?!

[The Most Loathed]

So many things. I don't know how long I will type before running out of gas but my life has been topsy turvy in all the ways

 

Kettlebells:

They are gone. The short version is that the maintenance guys put them in the trash room and didn't tell me. They assumed that when they went away that I had divined their location and picked them up. Which is fucking stupid. It's been five weeks. I sent them a bill fo $2,200, the cost to replace my kettlebells. I have heard nothing since. I sent another note today saying that if I don't see an honest attempt to settle up tomorrow, I'm getting a lawyer. In Minnesota they owe me for up to 3x the cost and legal fees. I'm really hoping that they cut me a check and we move on but I will make good on my threat on Monday, in which case, I'll seek full damages. 

The question remains, do I replace my bells at this point. I'm thinking no. It pisses me off that this screws up my big plan to train for and visit @KB Girl but I'm trying to make the most of it. Next year I turn 40 and I may take the money and make an alternate plan to just take and epic trip to celebrate. Of course, if the insist on replacing my bells one for one, I will get back to kettlebells training and stick to the plan. 

Everyone thinks I'm being way too nice and they are probably right. I like this building and am trying to not shit where I sleep, as it were, but this has gotten stupid. Even some of their own employees acknowledge that his has gone on stupidly long and that the resolution is super simple. 

 

Training:

I have training once in each of the last two weeks. Today I did again. I am hoping that today marks a return to consistent training but i need to figure out what exactly that means. Barbells, yes. Cardio, yes Conditioning yes. But what's the big plan? I don't yet know. I see so many paths before me.

 

Marriage:

OMG, such a roller coaster. I have been through all the emotions. Today is a good day though. Last week was a low point. I lost all hope. On two separate occasions Laura and I said out loud that we were done. This weekend I was ready to do paperwork and move on with life as a single dude. This weekend, also, Laura said she could imagine life with no one but me. I was ready to disregard that for ...reasons. It came down to the decisions point on Sunday. I was ready to be done and Laura wanted to be together. For a whole lot of reasons, far to nuanced to talk about now, I said, let's do this. 

Since then we have been madly in love with one another. We're still forced to be separated by leases and so on but we do love one another and are committed in a way that I honestly don't believe we have ever been. It's total madness but we're exuberant around one another. 

That said, our relationship has changed forever, which is almost certainly good. I think we have start and continue to become better individuals and I hope that leads to a better marriage. But, neither of us sees a way forward other than together. Which still kind of blows my mind given where we were even a week ago. 

 

Dating

Yep, I went on some dates as a part of this. Laura is totally aware. She kind of pushed me into it. Short version, ladies of 40 really want a dude who is kind of fit, knows how to cook, wash his own clothes, clean up his apartment and has a stable career. Not all of those ladies can say the same. 

Not that anyone is asking or it's anyone's business but I had a hard stop on having sex during this time but I did take some very nice ladies out for a date and got a few kisses from nice ladies (again, Laura know this). Last night was my last, last date. Once we decided we were together again, I terminated all ating relationships will no room for error. 

Some ladies are terrible kissers. I demoed a kiss that I got on Laura last night to explain this and she recoiled in horror. Do not stick your tongue forcefully straight into your partners mouth and just hold it there. It's weird and there is no where to go from there. 

Some ladies really want a man that has his shit together. They want him as their partner and daddy for the kiddoes.

That's another weird quirk of 30 something to 40 something ladies, many have kids that are splitting time with dad (I totally get this), some don't have kids and want to spend their free time and money to travel (also get this) but a surprising number really want kids. Those of you have known me for a while, know that I can't help here, and this ended one relationship out of the gate. Another said ti was a deal breaker but wanted to continue. 

In my time dating, I one woman thought she was in love with me and I had to cut it off for all the reasons, a couple of us decided to end for mutual reasons and they were my favorite people, and I met a couple different woman with whom there was a potential path forward, each for very different reasons. But, I terminated those based on my situations.

Also, I did use Tinder. It was really effective but does some really weird crap to the dating dynamic. It's easy to get a pile of interested individuals but then you have to come up with your own sorting algorithm. That's a mess. I tended to give people the benefit of the doubt but I was quickly swapped with more social obligations than I wanted. 

For the record, my favorite lady was a doctor with two kids. There probably was something we could have put together there. She was the last one I ended (last night) and yes, I did feel some regret. Laura knows all this but I feel that if we make this go, it's worth 100% of it.

 

Lexapro:

I'm still taking this. I missed a dose one day and Holy Shit. I thought I was going to die. I have a a bunch of crap that needs to be sorted before I back off this stuff. That said, long term I do hope to find the right mechanisms and thought patterns to be a sane human without drugs

 

Counseling: 

Laura and I are each in individual therapy and couples therapy together. My individual sessions are very Socratic in nature. I talk about my week and she occasionally provides feedback or points m back towards something that she feels needs more introspection. I often don't feel good coming out of these sessions but I think that it's because she points me towards things I've been glossing over or ignoring. I think it has been very helpful for me. I don't know the long term picture but for now it's doing me good.

Laura's counselor has been more direct, giving her work to do. That sorts both of our personalities well so I think it's a good thing. Our couples counselor doesn't, I think, know what to do with us. We tend to communicate well, which is kind of what couples counseling is all about. We had a real rough patch but I don't think that it fits any of the usual rubrick's based on what I'm hearing. Regardless, we sally forth. We'll see where that goes over time.

 

Guitar:

I'm totally loving guitar. Tonight I worked on Hey Jude, very poorly for an hour. I have no regrets about the time spent other than the fact that I'm not better. I see this as a very long term project that I'm all in on. I've taken to listening to songs for the guitar parts a lot lately. 

 

Cigars:

In the past I have smoked a cigar now and again but in my bachelor life I decided to go all in on this. I bought a humidor and tried a variety of cigars until I found one I like. I bought a couple boxes of those. I smoke one most days and am digging it. Go ahead and judge me. 

 

There's other stuff but the overall theme is, I'm doing awesome. I love my wife more than ever. I am content with myself more than ever. 

 

Hit me with questions, comments, and (truly) criticisms as you see fit. 

I'll try to get back to being more consistent in following your threads and posting here. 

[Elastigirl]

Good to hear that you and Laura think you can work it out. That's great that you are seeing individual as well as couple counseling, though hopefully the couple's counselor will be more of a help. I think you're right, most problems are caused by communication break downs, so that is what counselors know how to deal with.

 

That sucks about the kettlebells. They threw them away?! Are you sure the maintenance guy didn't just take them? Wow, that make me so angry. Hopefully they settle up. But if not, a lawyer sounds like a good call

[WhiteGhost]

It made me really happy to see this new direction your marriage is taking.  I really with you both the best and hope things continue as they are.

 

Also hope you get resolution on the kettle balls.

[RisenPhoenix]

This is a wonderful update that made me smile. 

 

That is all.