Girlfriend weight loss

[aquadwayne]

So I wasn't sure where to put this. I'm frustrated and don't know what to do. I figure at the very least I can vent but maybe you guys have some advice.

My girlfriend has decided and announced that she wants to lose weight and get back down to the size she was in high school. I've been losing weight for a year and have lost quite a bit. I try to be encouraging and give her advice, but it's like she doesn't want to do anything. Anytime I suggest she come to the gym or go for a run with me, she scoffs or laughs at the idea. When I suggest healthy meals she's on board until it comes time to make it and then she decides she'd rather eat out or eat junk/snack foods. To make things worse, she just found out a few weeks ago that she is diabetic, but really doesn't seem to care. I know she can do it if she wants to (she quit smoking earlier this year) and I want to be encouraging to her, but I'm getting frustrated because she needs to for health reasons and for self esteem reasons (she hates the way she looks), but doesn't want to put any effort towards it.

Has anybody else dealt with this? How did you cope? Is there anything I can do to start nudging her in that direction?

[Nedwin]

I have been that person, and I know many people that constantly say they want to lose weight or they are unhappy, but also unwilling to make the change. I think it comes down to that individual's determination. I can tell people until I'm blue in the face what they're doing wrong and how to fix it, but until they REALLY DECIDE and not just "say" they want to lose weight, it's not going to work. I know it's frustrating.

[MAGICFATSO]

I feel you my friend. Below is what happens to me. I have still beebn unable to come up with a solution to this issue.

 

My GF: I'm so fat, I should loose like 30lbs

ME: I like you how you are honey, howver, you are welcome to join me at the gym if you'd like, it will be good for your health

My GF: OMG YOU KEEP SAYING IM FAT.WHY DON'T YOU MAN UP AND LEAVE ME FOR A SKINNY BITCH?!

 

 

In conclusion:

Women

 

But seriously, at the end of the day it comes down to YOUR decicions. Do you still want to be in a relationship with someone who complains about herself but is unwilling to change? Because if you love someone you are supposed to just listen to them bitch and be quiet (im projecting right now, no shots fired)

 

Good luck man, hope she takes at least her diabetes seriously.

[Silo]

This really isn't a woman issue because it happens with all sexes. People don't like something about themselves but they don't dislike it enough to change. For a long time I didn't like being fat and out of shape but it didn't bother me enough to do anything about it. At a certain point I was bothered and that's when I was suddenly motivated to lose weight and get fit.

 

My suggestion is to keep asking if she wants to go to the gym/run with you in an offhand way ("Hey, I'm headed to the gym. Wanna come? Okay...") and keep making your healthy meals whether or not she eats them. You can't really do more than that because the choice of whether or not to make changes is truly up to her. In the long run, you have to decide whether or not the behaviors and health and self esteem issues are something you want to see/hear about on an ongoing basis. It's okay for her not to actively try to be healthy but it is also okay for you to say it's not something you want in your life.

[sylph]

In conclusion:

Women

I'm sure you meant this in a humorous/lighthearted way, but it is perhaps not the best thing to say, especially in the Women's section.

[dancezwithkittehz]

This really isn't a woman issue because it happens with all sexes. People don't like something about themselves but they don't dislike it enough to change. For a long time I didn't like being fat and out of shape but it didn't bother me enough to do anything about it. At a certain point I was bothered and that's when I was suddenly motivated to lose weight and get fit.

 

My suggestion is to keep asking if she wants to go to the gym/run with you in an offhand way ("Hey, I'm headed to the gym. Wanna come? Okay...") and keep making your healthy meals whether or not she eats them. You can't really do more than that because the choice of whether or not to make changes is truly up to her. In the long run, you have to decide whether or not the behaviors and health and self esteem issues are something you want to see/hear about on an ongoing basis. It's okay for her not to actively try to be healthy but it is also okay for you to say it's not something you want in your life.

 

This this this this this. You can't make someone change, and nudging them to change when they aren't really ready to is likely to just end up with frustration for the both of you.

 

What makes it finally click for someone to actually do the hard work to make a change vs just talking about it is going to be completely different for every person, and is something that person has to arrive at on their own. (And some people just never get there.)

 

The only person you have the power to change is yourself. You CAN change the way you interact with her on this, or decide it isn't something you want in your life, but whether she changes or not is entirely up to her.

[dancezwithkittehz]

 

In conclusion:

Women

 

I'm sure you meant this in a humorous/lighthearted way, but it is perhaps not the best thing to say, especially in the Women's section.

 

 

And seconding sylph that this is a really not a helpful thing to say.

 

In addition to 1) this not being something limited to women (most people suck at changing. It's a human thing.)

2) this is the women's specific area of the form and it doesn't seem the appropriate place for making broad generalizations, particularly negative ones, about women as a whole (not that anywhere is really an appropriate place for broad negative generalizations about any group of people.)

[MAGICFATSO]

Allow me to illustrate

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHzjgNoRmjg

[Zorch]

I'm going to repost what I posted in your other thread, for emphasis here.  Focus less on applying pressure, and more on making it easy.  Make it easy to make good food choices, make it easy to start the workout.  Remove obstacles in her path, and let her do the rest.

 

Second, when you eat unhealthy, your body craves unhealthy. So, my guess is two things are going on with food. First, she genuinely wants the junk. The junk sounds good. And trying to change is overwhelming, and sets you up for potential failure. Nudging yourself out of a safe spot is stressful. And many people self-comfort with food. I bet she's also afraid of making food that's not good. Does she have experience cooking? Do you? Could you start by cooking together? Choose meals you both love and make them healthier first. Don't try to change the stuff you like, instead, add in new veggies. Experiment with them and if they're a failure, joke about it and move on. If neither of you know how to cook, are there classes you can take? Watch videos online and tackle together, if not? My mom was my cooking mentor. If you admire someone else's cooking, seek their advice.

 

Agree with this.  If she doesn't feel like cooking, take the lead and cook something yourself.  Work on finding things that both taste good, and will aid her in her weight loss goals.

 

My view on helping people with fitness as well as other facets of life is that the #1 thing you can do to help is to remove barriers to their success - make it easier for them to do what needs to be done.  This could mean taking the lead on cooking so she doesn't have to worry about it, or finding ways to get workouts in at home(treadmill or body weight strength training) where she feels safe, doesn't have to worry about judgement, and the time/distance hurdle of actually going to the gym is removed.  Making decisions(particularly with regard to changes) takes a lot of energy and can be stressful.  If you can make good choices more "automatic" it helps a lot.

 

You can't do everything for her, but you can make it easier/less stressful for her to get to the place where she actually does the work.  If she's still not willing to put in the effort then a change in approach might be warranted, but the first step should be making it easier for her to make good decisions.

[Cheerful Dame]

It's can be hard when your spouse is not on the same page. The important thing is not to try to force them to make the same choices as you, as this may cause them to feel resentful or deprived.

 

If you don't already do so, can you start building "microbursts" of exercise into your lifestyle. For instance, the idea of a long walk may be daunting. But how about choosing a parking lot that isn't as close to the store, if you don't already do so. You can park a row further away than normal and gradually increase the distance until you are parking at the far end of the lot and walking a longer distance to enter the store. (Bonus points if you beat the person cruising in circles to find the closest parking spot into the building). If you consistently make small lifestyle changes, she may start to notice little changes in herself, which may give her the hope to try something more.

 

Also, setting a good example, but not picking on her choices can make a world of difference. Not judging her choices is important. Give her time to observe what you are doing and she may ask why you are doing/eating X. If she does ask, frame it in a positive manner as something your are doing because you love it (which should be the truth), rather than as good vs. bad choices.  She may even tiptoe into making small changes, which may eventually lead to bigger ones. It could take months before you notice her trying anything different, or she may never do anything differently. Either way, it has to be her choice.

 

What you can change is yourself. As far as food choices, try to find healthy foods that taste absolutely decadent to you. As you eat more of these, you will feel less need to eat other desserts, or will find yourself eating smaller portions of the dessert because it just isn't as good as what you usually eat. Chances are, if you truly are enjoying your healthier treat, she will want to try it, and if she likes it you can add it into the treat rotation. You could both still eat ice cream occasionally, but it would naturally happen less often as you would both be enjoying other treats as well.

[insanity]

For me, it was just a matter of doing my thing, providing her with information (whether is paleo stuff, exercise etc) and not giving her a hard time when she did what I thought she shouldn't do, but also being kind of her cheerleader when she did. I went paleo before she did, and as a result I did my own meals, and would cook the extra stuff she wanted. If she wanted smores for dessert, she'd get them and I wouldn't say anything. If she said something that I could make a point with, such as "I wish I had as much energy as you" I'd reply with, "Well I eat right" and that'd be the end of it, the intention being to get those seeds planted, then try and nurture them slowly.

 

I think me getting into the gym, enjoying it and the physical changes REALLY started it up though. She's just now starting the Stronglifts 5x5 program after spending some time on dumbbells, and the excitement she gets after managing all reps is nice to see...

 

She's now taking a REAL interest in what I do, and wanting to learn how to take care of herself better instead of just saying it and then letting it go. Keep in mind this is a good 3 years or so in the making...

[Silo]

For me, it was just a matter of doing my thing, providing her with information (whether is paleo stuff, exercise etc) and not giving her a hard time when she did what I thought she shouldn't do, but also being kind of her cheerleader when she did. I went paleo before she did, and as a result I did my own meals, and would cook the extra stuff she wanted. If she wanted smores for dessert, she'd get them and I wouldn't say anything. If she said something that I could make a point with, such as "I wish I had as much energy as you" I'd reply with, "Well I eat right" and that'd be the end of it, the intention being to get those seeds planted, then try and nurture them slowly.

I think me getting into the gym, enjoying it and the physical changes REALLY started it up though. She's just now starting the Stronglifts 5x5 program after spending some time on dumbbells, and the excitement she gets after managing all reps is nice to see...

She's now taking a REAL interest in what I do, and wanting to learn how to take care of herself better instead of just saying it and then letting it go. Keep in mind this is a good 3 years or so in the making...

Yes. My husband did not start eating better or exercising when I did. Eighteen months later, he started working at it. Mind you, he didn't really complain about how he looked or felt in the meantime, but I think that seeing me stick it out and improve was at least a bit in the way of motivation.

[MAGICFATSO]

For me, it was just a matter of doing my thing, providing her with information (whether is paleo stuff, exercise etc) and not giving her a hard time when she did what I thought she shouldn't do, but also being kind of her cheerleader when she did. I went paleo before she did, and as a result I did my own meals, and would cook the extra stuff she wanted. If she wanted smores for dessert, she'd get them and I wouldn't say anything. If she said something that I could make a point with, such as "I wish I had as much energy as you" I'd reply with, "Well I eat right" and that'd be the end of it, the intention being to get those seeds planted, then try and nurture them slowly.

 

I think me getting into the gym, enjoying it and the physical changes REALLY started it up though. She's just now starting the Stronglifts 5x5 program after spending some time on dumbbells, and the excitement she gets after managing all reps is nice to see...

 

She's now taking a REAL interest in what I do, and wanting to learn how to take care of herself better instead of just saying it and then letting it go. Keep in mind this is a good 3 years or so in the making...

You are an inspiration, I have learnt a lot reading your post

I always judge my gf for making the bad choices, I'll stop that immediatly.

[namelesswonder]

What I do with my spouse

-be supportive about positive changes, even it's just voicing a potential plan

-ask if I can help him make that plan come to fruition (can I make it easier for him in some way, would he like reminders etc.)

-don't respond to the negativity, or always respond positively (next time!, do you want help figuring out how to make xyz happen differently? etc.)

 

I find that asking how you can help in response to idle comments ("My stomach really hurts today." "What did you eat today/yesterday?") gets them thinking a little, and sometimes gets the negative comments (whiny ones) to stop.

 

In the end, you can only change yourself. If you go into trying to help/support your partner wanting to change them, that is generally not healthy or going to end well.

[namelesswonder]

double post

[insanity]

You are an inspiration, I have learnt a lot reading your post

I always judge my gf for making the bad choices, I'll stop that immediatly.

Hope it works out for the both of you.