SomeGuyFromScotland V: The Cartel of Carnage

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

So, who is SomeGuyFromScotland?: I joined NF a week before the April 6WC started. At that point, I was five weeks into a new workout routine, and nine weeks into attempting to eat better. There are links to my introduction/origin story and my first four challenges in my sig below. Feel free to go rummage around in there. I’ve gone from 255lbs at the end of January, to 232 at the start of my first 6WC, 223 at the start of my second, 211 by the third, 203 by the fourth, and 196 as of right now. It’s a work in progress. There's no specific weight number in mind (yet - this might change as the challenges go on), but I suspect it might be somewhere around the 175-180 range.
 
And what does he want?: There is an ongoing life goal to dress like a proper grown-up adult man, in clothes which actually look good on me, and make my wife proud to be seen with me when I take her out. The general aim is to continue to overhaul my entire wardrobe, getting rid of anything which falls into one of the following categories: baggy, sagging or ragged. Over my first four challenges, I set a specific goal of getting properly fitted for a good quality, tailored, three-piece suit, and get a good photograph taken wearing it, because I was sick of being disgusted when I looked in the mirror or saw a photo of myself. This goal having now been achieved, I’m starting to think about the next level. There are two things I would quite like to do in 2016. One of them is write a novel and self-publish it on Amazon. I’ll probably hold off on starting that until the first challenge of next year, and make it an ongoing item in the 2016 challenges. The other, I’m going to start working towards in this challenge.
 
So, without further ado, I bring you:
 
Issue #5: SomeGuyFromScotland vs. The Cartel of Carnage
 
Every good superhero comic needs one or more bad guys. Arch enemies, Supervillains, or just plain old Asshats. Spidey had his Sinister Six. Dredd had the Dark Judges. Every Avenger has his Dark Avenger, and SomeGuyFromScotland (with occasional comic relief from his exotic dancing alter ego Buff McSavoury and comedy sidekick Tartan Temptress) has…
 

 
Mephistopheles – The self-styled Father of Lies, and the evil mastermind behind CoC. His true power lies not in his wisdom, but in convincing you that yours is false.
 
Stronghold – The Cartel’s enforcer, he is brutality incarnate, a wrecking ball of strength, power and rage.
 
Alluria – She is a succubus, the addiction who calls you like a siren. She looks good, but she is poison. Succumb to her, and your strength and willpower will be gone.
 
Heisenburp – A former high school gym teacher who was driven to insanity by, oddly enough, the Insanity workout. Following his escape from the asylum, he was recruited by the Cartel to eliminate threats by forcing them to perform burpees until death from exhaustion.
 
The Five Thousand – The terrifying result of genetic experimentation, The Five Thousand is a constantly regenerating being with a myriad of heads and arms. Chop one off, and more appear. The Five Thousand cannot be truly defeated, simply survived.
 
Note: Targets adjusted on 30/11 to compensate for a complete bust of a phlegmy, sweaty, viral sick week.
 
 
Quest 1: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner (The Five Thousand)
 
“Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to lightâ€
 
The last chapter ended with the line “And when the hand touched my shoulder again, I somehow found the strength to run.†Now begins the next stage in my journey. I have always hated running. It’s time to get over that. I’ve identified a six week beginner’s 5k training plan and this is the first step towards my next small life goal, to compete in and complete an actual 5k. Beyond that? Who knows. Maybe I’ll tackle a 10k. Maybe I’ll never run again. This training plan calls for 18 sessions, three per week. I’ll record my time taken to complete 5k on each run, and hopefully the walk : run ratio will change significantly over the 6 weeks.
 
Achievable Points: +4 STA
 
A: 15 sessions (Points x 1) - Current Progress
B: 13 (Points x 0.75)
C: 11 (Points x 0.5)
D: 9 (Points x 0.25)
F: < 9 (Fail. 0 Points.)

 
 
Quest 2: Iron Sharpens Iron (Stronghold)
 
“Never easy, never clean, to be a beast among human sheep.â€
 
This is a fight to the death. As iron sharpens iron, so I must get stronger by battling the epitome of strength. The focus of the last couple of challenges has been primarily weight loss and fat burning, so cardio has taken priority. Now that I’m getting more comfortable, it’s time to re-establish a good lifting regimen. Two workouts a week with a focus on weights. Workout plans will be detailed below, but it’s based loosely on Stronglifts 5x5. I have no idea what my baseline will be, but the targets will self-adjust as I progress.
 
Achievable Points: +4 STR
 
A: 10 sessions (Points x 1) - Current Progress
B: 8 (Points x 0.75)
C: 7 (Points x 0.5)
D: 6 (Points x 0.25)
F: < 6 (Fail. 0 Points.)

 
 
Quest 3: He is the Danger (Heisenburp)
 
“You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.â€
 
Trapped in the lunatic Heisenburp’s underground lair, the only way to escape is burpees. He may be the Danger… but I am the One who Rocks.
 
Achievable Points: +1 STR, +3 DEX
 
A - 830+ (Points x 1) - Current Progress
B - 750-830 (Points x 0.75)
C - 670-750 (Points x 0.5)
D - 590-670 (Points x 0.25)
F - < 590 (Fail. 0 Points.)
 
 
Quest 4: Lead Me Not (Alluria)
 
“We gain the strength of the temptation we resistâ€
 
The power of the succubus is temptation. Alluria is beautiful and almost impossible to resist, but she is poison. Do not succumb to her. Eat mindfully and continue the good habit of maintaining a daily deficit. Tracking purely on food logged against a daily fixed calorie target this time, instead of including exercise calories.
 
Achievable Points: +1 CON, +1 CHA
 
A – 40+ Days on Target (Points x 1) - Current Progress
B - 39 Days (Points x 0.75)
C - 38 Days (Points x 0.5)
D - 37 Days (Points x 0.25)
F - <37 Days (Fail. 0 Points.)

 
 
Quest 5: The Wisdom of Solomon (Mephistopheles)
 
“Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding.â€
 
There is only one way to defeat the Father of Lies: with Truth. Slightly different reading challenge this time, with apologies to Doc Feelgood for completely ripping this idea off from his recent challenges. I’ll use my YouVersion bible app, choose some reading plans and begin each morning with 15 minutes to read and absorb that day’s word and get myself right for the day ahead. Ideally, it’ll be six 7-day plans, but we’ll see where it leads.
 
Achievable Points: +1 WIS
 
A - 42 Days (Points x 1) - Current Progress
B - 40 Days (Points x 0.75)
C - 38 Days (Points x 0.5)
D - 36 Days (Points x 0.25)
F - <36 Days (Fail. 0 Points.)
 
 
Minis:
 
#1: Hoth Battle - Done! +1 STA
#2: Yoga with Yoda - Done! +1 WIS
#3: Combined Force
#4: Recipe Book
#5: Helping the Pilots
#6: Blaze of Glory
 
 
IRL Things:
 
Following my triumphant performances as "Doo-Wop Backing Vocalist #4", Queen tribute Granny Tranny, Scar's Hyena Sidekick, and Augustus Gloop, I can now officially announce I will be making a return to the stage on the 7th and 8th November playing a WW2 soldier in our church's annual fundraising show, which this year is a seriously emotional musical named Hope & Glory. Thankfully, no speaking part this time. Just as a bit of background, every single penny raised at the shows, either from ticket sales, or the associated auction and raffle afterwards, goes to our Christmas giveaway where we give toys and food parcels to struggling families in our local community. At last count, the total given away over the last six or seven years is somewhere around £90,000.
 
The Wolverine and I will be making a road trip to (not so) sunny Bradford, Yorkshire from Friday 20th to Sunday 22nd November for our annual church conference, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse to go off the rails, even though we will most likely be faceholing the world’s best curry at Akbar’s on the Saturday night, and if previous years are any indication, an outstanding fish and chips at Murgatroyds on the Friday. I do have two days’ wiggle room on the calorie challenge, but I’d rather not use both in the same weekend. I’ll be logging food as normal for those days, and attempting to make good decisions. In terms of workouts, I’ll just need to make sure I either have my schedule nailed, or get a slight cushion built up just in case.
 
Oh, and this challenge ends right before my birthday. Pleasing.

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

Progress (Updated December 14):

 

[deftona]

I love this challenge! It's so well thought out (as all your challenges are, might I add!) and it's going to be really fun to follow along. 

 

Tartan Temptress reporting for duty, Buff. *salutes*

[skinNbones]

Beautiful Spreadsheets as ever Scotty.

 

Aah Bradford, we'll be around there next week. Recently, I've started having curries without rice, which works ok, as long as you don't have too much sauce. And Poppadums have protein of course !

[Sarah Barr]

Following so I can watch the defeat of Heisenburp unfold. 
(Knew I'd heard your first quest title somewhere before!)

Go Scotty!

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

Following so I can watch the defeat of Heisenburp unfold.

(Knew I'd heard your first quest title somewhere before!)

Go Scotty!

 

I've been on a serious old school Maiden kick over the last couple of weeks, Live After Death and Somewhere in Time have been getting played to death in the car. It had occured to me a couple of weeks ago that it was exactly 30 years to the day that I bought Live After Death (double cassette!) and excitedly ran home from Woolworths to listen to it.

 

And then I realised I'm old, so I cried and ate my feelings.

[Sarah Barr]

That is a good memory! You know the only UK date they're playing on their world tour so far is Download? Traitors.

 

Also Judas Priest are playing the Barrowlands on the 24th of November and the tickets are sold out. And I only found out W.A.S.P. were playing Glasgow last month when I saw the youtube video recommended to me.

 

Let us eat our feelings together. 

[deftona]

That is a good memory! You know the only UK date they're playing on their world tour so far is Download? Traitors.

 

Yeah, but Download is pretty epic!

[Terah]

This challenge is awesome! No doubt you'll ace it again

 

 

And then I realised I'm old, so I cried and ate my feelings.

And I thought men got more attractive when they got older? 

[deftona]

 

And I thought men got more attractive when they got older? 

 

They do if they're on here. 

 

So many people have passed through this place looking insanely more hot than when they got here, it's like Benjamin Button shiz goes down.

 

I'm only here for the gainz.

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

I like the way this thread is heading.

 

I'm not old, I'm distinguished and Clooney-esque!

 

#silverfox

[T2sarahconnor]

I like the way this thread is heading.

 

I'm not old, I'm distinguished and Clooney-esque!

 

#silverfox

Until you break out the Buff tear away pants!

[ninjakitten]

Until you break out the Buff tear away pants!

Once you do that in public no one will even notice your age!

[Terah]

Once you do that in public no one will even notice your age!

Well, depends of what is under them off course

[Einar]

Once you do that in public no one will even notice your age!

Is that because they will tear out their eyes in horror?  Or because they will be enamored by the essence that is Buff? 

[ninjakitten]

Can't you be blinded and enamoured?

Maybe we need some field studies Scotty.

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

Can't you be blinded and enamoured?

Maybe we need some field studies Scotty.

 

In addition to Greggs^meta, the courts have also decided that Buff is not legally allowed within 200 yards of any fields.

 

[deftona]

In addition to Greggs^meta, the courts have also decided that Buff is not legally allowed within 200 yards of any fields.

 

 

Is that a trick of the light, or do those pants have a boaby pocket? Which is a little superfluous to requirements since those pants are themselves boaby pockets. 

 

It's the meta boaby pocket^meta

 

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

 

It's the meta boaby pocket^meta

 

 

And your Coffee Spit Count is underway, albeit unintentionally, because I read that as "mega boaby" and immediately wondered if my reputation had preceded me again.

 

#FiveDoughnutHoopla

[ninjakitten]

That's so pretty, Scotty. And in combination with this shy glance and that dainty body...

I'd say definitely enamoured.

[deftona]

And your Coffee Spit Count is underway, albeit unintentionally, because I read that as "mega boaby" and immediately wondered if my reputation had preceded me again.

 

#FiveDoughnutHoopla

 

If it was unintentional I don't think I can count it *sob*

 

That's so pretty, Scotty. And in combination with this shy glance and that dainty body...

I'd say definitely enamoured.

 

Look at the size of his nipples! They're like two shrimps performing a mating dance for each other.

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

If it was unintentional I don't think I can count it *sob*

 

 

Look at the size of his nipples! They're like two shrimps performing a mating dance for each other.

 

Oh, go on, you can, and you can go ahead and make it two for the Shrimpnipple Mating Dance. So very, very vivid.

[deftona]

Oh, go on, you can, and you can go ahead and make it two for the Shrimpnipple Mating Dance. So very, very vivid.

 

YAY! I'm going to add the official counter to my sig

[Sarah Barr]

Shrimpnipple 

Welp, I know what I'm calling the village in my NaNo.

[SomeGuyFromScotland]

Welp, I know what I'm calling the village in my NaNo.

 

Please let them have an annual Mating Dance in the Village hall each spring. I might actually die from the awesomeness.