Choices

[Sovellis]

Sovellis cast his eyes around at the destruction surrounding him. The murky, disease ridden flood waters had begun to recede, revealing the true cost of the disaster. Amid the battered and broken buildings, bodies emerged. Young, old, mothers, fathers, children, their skin darkened and mottled from injury and rot. The stench was overwhelming. Somewhere in the distance a fire raged, sending thick clouds of acrid smoke wafting through the remains of the town. He looked around in horror. This was his fault. He didn't know how he knew this, but he knew it to be true. It was him. Him and the shit choices he made. All had led to this loss. He couldn't breathe. His lungs burned. He began to panic. There was no fixing this, and it was all his fault...

 

He fell unelegantly out of bed, waking in time to see the floor rapidly approaching his face. Instead of his usual slew of obscenities, he frantically scrambled to his feet, kicking a couple empty bottles across the floor, searching the darkness for the destruction that had surrounded him just moments before. In its place, all he saw was the familiar confines of his usual room at the inn. Shaking his head angrily, he tried to catch his breath. His bed clothes were soaked through and clammy with sweat and it looked like someone had tried to tie the blankets into a pretzel. 

 

"Just a dream. Another goddamn dream," he breathed to himself quietly. Prone to unpleasant dreams for as long as he could remember, their frequency and vividness had taken a decidedly ambitious step up in intensity as of late. He used to be able to block them out by drinking, but now they were breaking through even the deepest stupors. Just as he was starting to orient himself to reality again, there was a knock at the door. Grumbling, he stumbled through the dark to answer the summons. Opening the door unsurprisingly revealed the innkeeper, who looked as unhappy to be making this call as he was to receive it.

 

"My lord, you know how I appreciate the aid you've offered this town, but there have been three complaints tonight alone of shouting coming from this room. I owe you as much gratitude as any, but I am running a business here, and people are starting to check out early. You understand," she explained as politely as she could, seeing the state he was in. Sovellis nodded tiredly and wiped his hand over his face.

 

"I understand. I can head out tomorrow. Thank you for being so patient with me. Sorry for being such a problem."

 

"Oh no problem at all, sir, and thank you for understanding." She turned to leave, then paused. "If you don't mind me saying so, my lord, I would ask you to take care of yourself and dispel whatever evil it is that haunts you so. You deserve to be happy, or at least content." She looked nervous, but breathed a sigh of relief when he offered her a nod and a smile of appreciation. 

 

Shutting the door he turned back to the mess of his bed. He needed rest but feared what awaited him in the realm of dreams. Each of his nightmares seemed to center around his fears of the slowly aggregating consequences of his innumerable and consistently poor choices. Just like so many times before, he knew something needed to change. Reluctantly he climbed back into the unpleasantly damp bed to try and sleep.

 

"Ugh, I wish you were here, Ishu. You wouldn't stand for me making foolish choices, you never did. Why didn't I listen to you back then?" Closing his eyes, he clutched the pillow tightly, an anchor to the reality where it wasn't too late, where he could still change his fate by making better choices. Or at least that's what he hoped.

 

<------<<<

 

So  I decided to join the druids this time around. Ultimately, I would like to stay a ranger, because I love running and weight lifting and doing warrior dash and all that stuff. The reality is that I need to take care of some seriously more fundamental health and self care issues first. I am in the final stages of earning my doctorate in clinical psychology, which means applying for internship and working on my dissertation. This is intensely stressful and I have not been coping well. I need to find a better balance, learn to be okay being alone, and figure out how to consistently make good choices about self care. Specifically, I am going to focus on reducing my alcohol intake. Again. I tried this last challenge, but I think the structure I tried didn't work well for me, so I'm going to try something a little different this time. 

 

Goal 1: Do one academic thing each day.

 

Goal 2: Do one fitness thing each day (lifting, yoga, running, archery, even taking a long walk, anything really other than sitting on the couch will count for this).

 

Goal 3: Do one healthy self care thing each day (shower, read, meditate, play a game, going to be exploring options for this to see what works for me).

 

Goal 4: Alcohol reduction. Each day where I do not drink at all, I get to bank 2 drinks for later, which I can cash in at any time. This means that after one dry day, I have 2 drinks available. After 2 days it would be 4, and so on. I cannot earn any drinks without having at least one dry day. If I manage to stick to this, it will significantly reduce my weekly consumption. I think it stands a better chance of working because it is a reward system that leaves the power of choice in my hands, so I don't feel like I'm being deprived or punished. 

[Jett]

Following, of course! I hope you will be a bit more transparent with us this time about how you are doing. I know it is embarrassing and painful to admit a slip up, but no one on Nerd Fitness is going to rub your face in it. Accountability can be a powerful aid in times of weakness.

[Sovellis]

Following, of course! I hope you will be a bit more transparent with us this time about how you are doing. I know it is embarrassing and painful to admit a slip up, but no one on Nerd Fitness is going to rub your face in it. Accountability can be a powerful aid in times of weakness.

 

A big part of it wasn't just that I slipped, but that I gave up. I made bad choices and knew I would continue to do so. Going to try and do better on that, and on talking about it as it happens. We'll see how it goes.

[Moros]

Following.  I support your plans for self-care.  Grad school is incredibly stressful and isolating - I remember the feeling of being totally alone most of the time.  It's good to take care of yourself.

[petefeet]

 Accountability can be a powerful aid in times of weakness.

 

What Jenn said!

 

Following along buddy.

[Sovellis]

When he finally woke, the elf set about packing his things. The innkeeper's request that he leave really was no surprise, last night was hardly the first time there had been complaints about him. He wasn't sure what he was going to do once he left the town. He would have to figure something out. Perhaps he could find work in the next town over. With a sigh he closed his bag and headed downstairs to pay his bill. At the last minute he had her add a couple bottles of wine to the total and tucked them in his bag as well. 

 

Before leaving town, he treated himself to one last trip to the bath house, trying to melt into the warm scented water. Far too soon, he needed to get out, dry off, and put the town to his back. Once he was outside the town wall he began to sing to himself.

 

Upon the hearth the fire is red

Beneath the roof there is a bed

But not yet weary are our feet

Still round the corner we may meet

A sudden tree or standing stone

That none have seen but we alone

   Tree and flower and leaf and grass

   Let them pass! Let them pass!

   Hill and water under sky

   Pass them by! Pass them by!

 

Still round the corner there may wait

A new road or a secret gate

And though we pass them by today

Tomorrow we may come this way

And take the hidden paths that run

Towards the moon or to the sun

   Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe

   Let them go! Let them go!

   Sand and stone and pool and dell

   Fare you well! Fare you well!

 

Home is behind, the world ahead

And there are many paths to tread

Through shadows to the edge of night

Until the stars are all alight

Then world behind and home ahead

We'll wander back to home and bed

   Mist and twilight, cloud and shade

   Away shall fade! Away shall fade!

   Fire and lamp, and meat and bread

   And then to bed! And then to bed!

 

<------<<<

 

Blegh. Anyway, I got my 4 applications done and sent today, did some prep for a mock group interview tomorrow, went on a nice long walk, and got myself some new nail polish. That knocks out the first three goals. In the interest of transparency, first I changed the tracker for goal 4. Everyone will be able to see just how I'm doing by looking at it. Second, I have decided to start that goal tomorrow and take it one day beyond the end of the challenge. The reason is because I absolutely need to sleep tonight, and every time I start one of these things my sleep is just wrecked the first few days. *deep breath* Okay. So that's where I'm at. Woot. Oh, and that song is from Tolkien, he credits it to Bilbo.

[Jett]

Making your drink bank publicly visible is a good idea. I'm proud of you for deciding to do it! 

[Sovellis]

Making your drink bank publicly visible is a good idea. I'm proud of you for deciding to do it! 

 

More than a little scary, but I think you're right. Bleargh.

[Sovellis]

Okay, I just gotta say, the disney villain line of nail polish is freakin awesome! If you like nail polish that just slays, go get some. Possible pictures to come later this week or next.

[Moros]

1. I think it's a good think to have your bank visible - for yourself and us to cheer you on.

 

2. Congrats on the four applications!

[mediaguy99]

A big part of it wasn't just that I slipped, but that I gave up. I made bad choices and knew I would continue to do so. Going to try and do better on that, and on talking about it as it happens. We'll see how it goes.

 

Nothing like a fresh start.  Keep it up!

[Jett]

I had a thought - you told me that you know that if you want to have a big party day, you have to consciously save up. What if you schedule an actual party for yourself (and some friends, maybe?) so that you have a concrete incentive to save for? Like, end of week 3 or something?

[Dusk]

Hey. Even though you temporarily gave up, look at you, you're back on the bandwagon now. And that's the important part. You'll find a method that works for you eventually, my friend. I can't even imagine what grad school must be like - I'm halfway through my undergrad and I feel like I'm actually dying - so the fact that you're still going for it and trying to better your life is awesome. Following, of course!

[Sovellis]

1. I think it's a good think to have your bank visible - for yourself and us to cheer you on.

 

2. Congrats on the four applications!

 

I think so too, and thanks! Got another one due today, but I'm going to try to do 3.

 

Nothing like a fresh start.  Keep it up!

 

I feel like I'm constantly restarting, but I guess that's better than not restarting.

 

I had a thought - you told me that you know that if you want to have a big party day, you have to consciously save up. What if you schedule an actual party for yourself (and some friends, maybe?) so that you have a concrete incentive to save for? Like, end of week 3 or something?

 

I might do something like this. My girlfriend will be basically living at work for about the second half of this month, so I'll have free run of the house. Good timing, lol.

 

Hey. Even though you temporarily gave up, look at you, you're back on the bandwagon now. And that's the important part. You'll find a method that works for you eventually, my friend. I can't even imagine what grad school must be like - I'm halfway through my undergrad and I feel like I'm actually dying - so the fact that you're still going for it and trying to better your life is awesome. Following, of course!

 

What are you studying? Grad school feels like a sort of weird amalgam of being in college and being a professional. It is exhausting even during the 'easy' bits, but they say it will be worth it in the end. I really hope they're right. Ugh. 

[Sovellis]

Yesterday was my mock group interview downtown. I got there 15 min early, but no one else was there. I double and triple checked the date, time, and location as the minutes ticked by and no one was showing up. Finally, one other student and our interviewer showed up. Apparently there were supposed to be 6 of us being interviewed, but we were the only 2 to show up. This means that instead of 2 hours being split 6 ways, it was split 2 ways. A lot more time and focus on me and my performance than I was expecting, but I feel I did pretty well regardless. The interviewer also gave a lot of good feedback and was very encouraging, saying again and again that I was a strong applicant and answered questions well, but that I just need to actually believe that, lol. It does help to keep hearing it, slowly healing the damage done by horrible supervisors and advisors over the last few years. Maybe I can actually get through this. Rewarded myself with a burrito bowl afterwards, because yum, and I took another walk because I was exhausted and it was stupidly nice out. I was so wiped that I actually climbed into bed early and passed out immediately.

 

Today is the last stupidly nice day we're supposed to have for a while, so all the windows are open and I plan to take advantage by scrubbing the house. Does house cleaning count as self care? Hm. If it doesn't end up feeling like self care maybe I'll play some skyrim or something. I do have one application due today, but I want to try for 3. If I do 3 a day, I will stay consistently ahead. Not sure what to do for fitness today, probably will end up taking another walk or something. The parks are beautiful right now.

 

Hopefully some inspiration for Sov's story will come to me, but I'm not going to wait on that to post my updates. I've also decided that next year I will participate in nanowrimo, finally figured out what I could possibly write about and I'm actually kinda excited about it!

[Surakha]

Following.  I support your plans for self-care.  Grad school is incredibly stressful and isolating - I remember the feeling of being totally alone most of the time.  It's good to take care of yourself.

 

Nobody tells you when you start that  grad school itself is depressing and terrible I can not wait to be done. 

[Sovellis]

The fresh air and travel seemed to be doing him a lot of good. He had been pushing himself to cover as much ground each day as possible, which ended up wearing him out quite a bit more than he had expected. How long had it been since he'd done a full day of travel like this? Well after the sun had set on his second day of travel, a sign of the changing seasons, his back protested angrily as he set up camp a little way from the road.  Laying down and closing his eyes, sleep did not come as easily as he had hoped, but eventually he drifted off.

 

Flashes of fire. Screams, didstant, as if heard from under water. He was drowning. For some reason he wasn't fighting, wasn't trying to escape the flood. Why was he so calm about this? He knew he was going to die. He accepted this. It didn't matter. He felt the signet ring slip from his finger and watched in horror as it fell away, deeper into the dark water. Diving after it frantically, swimming as fast as he could, he couldn't seem to reach it and only succeeded in racing away from the surface of the water. He was so deep now, he couldn't see anything, his lungs burned with hunger for air, and still he couldn't reach the ring. Screaming, someone was screaming, but he couldn't hear it. Oh, that was him. Taking a deep breath to scream again, he sucked the water deep into his lungs. This was it.

 

He woke violently, nearly tearing down his small tent as he scrambled a few feet away from camp and threw up. His stomach now empty, he lay back on the bare earth beside his fire, panting. The ring! He grasped for it on his hand and was relieved to find it still in its usual place. It wasn't lost. He wasn't lost. Not yet anyway. Once he caught his breath and calmed his heart rate he climbed back into bed, hoping for dreamless sleep.

 

<------<<<

 

Things have been going pretty well the past couple days. Sleep hasn't been great, but better than I expected, probably because I'm actually doing stuff during the day and wearing myself out. The house is looking great! I decided to take advantage of what is probably the last warm weather we will have this year and scrub the house. I only got about halfway through yesterday before my back decided than enough was enough. It's still sore today, but not as bad. I think I'll preemptively take some ibuprofen before I get to work. The upcoming cold front has been pushed off for a day so I have one more day where we can keep the windows open. Only got one app out yesterday, instead of the three I was shooting for, but only one was due, so that's okay. Sov's dream, well, he's been choosing to drown himself, recognizing what he's doing, but then not doing anything about it for a long time, just accepting the damage that's being done. The ring is external validation, and the more he pursues that, the more futile it seems, and the further he sinks. Also, I think I ate something bad last night, cause I did wake up in the middle of the night to go puke, but I feel completely fine now. *shrug* Who knows. Whee. So far, the new strategy is actually working beautifully. For once, I actually want to not drink! I don't want to jinx it, but I may have found the key to this. Sounds like gaming will be happening tomorrow, which is awesome, because game. Hm... My coffee seems to be broken. I should go fix it.

[Surakha]

I love hearing that you are doing well.  About damn time

[Sovellis]

I love hearing that you are doing well.  About damn time

 

Ikr? Just don't jinx it!

[Sovellis]

After a few good days, I'm now feeling really down and discouraged. I know it's irrational and all, but it feels like everything I did this week is basically for nothing. Dont know what to do about it. Need something fun to look forward to, in the likely event that the current plans for the weekend fall through. Need something. Can't think of anything that doesn't impinge on others. I hate this. Dont even know for sure that the plan is a bust, just seems really damn likely. Nothing I can do about it. Can I just not be present for the next few days? That'd be great.

[Jett]

Is there some way you can treat yourself? Maybe have a spa day, or go out for a long hike, or get a good book you've been meaning to read and a sumptuous coffee/tea at a coffee shop? Whatever you would find refreshing and relaxing.

[Sovellis]

Is there some way you can treat yourself? Maybe have a spa day, or go out for a long hike, or get a good book you've been meaning to read and a sumptuous coffee/tea at a coffee shop? Whatever you would find refreshing and relaxing.

 

Been trying to think of something, but nothing really feels good at the moment. Hopefully plans will miraculously go through tomorrow, or I'll feel good enough to enjoy something else.

[petefeet]

After a few good days, I'm now feeling really down and discouraged. I know it's irrational and all, but it feels like everything I did this week is basically for nothing. Dont know what to do about it. Need something fun to look forward to, in the likely event that the current plans for the weekend fall through. Need something. Can't think of anything that doesn't impinge on others. I hate this. Dont even know for sure that the plan is a bust, just seems really damn likely. Nothing I can do about it. Can I just not be present for the next few days? That'd be great.

 

Yeah, I get like this as well when I've been spending too much time alone. It does help to get out there and take part in society, even if from the fringes. What I do to ease myself back is go to the movies, I'm around people, but not imposing upon them, or them upon me.

[Sovellis]

The clouds were gathering, blotting out the sun, as the temperature steadily dropped. This did not bode well, Sovellis thought. He didn't relish the thought of being caught in a cold fall storm, and his mood quickly soured when he came across a fork in the road that was supposed to be a straight shot to the next town. In one direction the road sloped gradually downhill, and in the other direction it went rather steeply uphill. Already feeling disagreeable, he wanted to follow the downhill path as it seemed like it would be easier going, but from what he could tell from where he stood, it turned too far south to hit the town. Gritting his teeth and growling quietly, he turned and started on the uphill path. It wasn't the easiest road to follow, and at times he wouldn't even have called it a road, clearly having fallen out of regular use. The sun abandoned him well before he stopped for the evening, and he felt discouraged by his slow progress. Perhaps he should have taken the southern road. Feeling lost, uncomfortable, and generally angry at the universe, he settled in as the first scattered drops of rain began to fall.

 

When he opened his eyes to the morning sun, he was surprised first to see how early in the day it was. He had not seen this hour from this side in a very long time. After a short breakfast he headed back out on the road, which seemed significantly better marked than he remembered, and soon wound around a corner, revealing a small town beside a river. The river looked to be flooded, and townspeople were hurrying about trying to limit the damage caused by the swiftly moving water. As he closed in on the town, he could see that there was indeed another road that approached the town from the south, but it appeared to be blocked by a makeshift barricade. When he came across someone, he asked about it and was told that during the night the southern road had flooded badly, leaving several travelers stranded. He marveled at his lucky choice the previous day. Setting aside such thoughts for later, he asked around to see where he might be able to help. It was time to get to work.

 

<------<<<

 

Despite my shitty mood last night, I stuck to the plan, even if I kinda hated everything during it. Woke up WAY earlier than normal today, had 2 cups of coffee and got my 3 applications out before my daily news came on. Normally I don't even think of starting on anything until after the news. This feels weird. During the news I did my duolingo, ate breakfast, and picked up a bit. After the news I went on a run. This, this feels weird, I don't trust it. The other shoe is sure to drop sooner or later. The longer this goes on, the more I am thinking I found the key to my drinking thing. I made it through a night of really shit mood without giving in, and I didn't resent the plan for it. Additionally, it sounds as if gaming may possibly actually happen today. *crosses all fingers, eyes, and toes* Ow! I forgot how much sprint intervals work your triceps! Still trying to sort my thoughts and feelings about all this, but for now, I need to shower.

[Jett]

Despite my shitty mood last night, I stuck to the plan, even if I kinda hated everything during it. Woke up WAY earlier than normal today, had 2 cups of coffee and got my 3 applications out before my daily news came on. Normally I don't even think of starting on anything until after the news. This feels weird. During the news I did my duolingo, ate breakfast, and picked up a bit. After the news I went on a run. This, this feels weird, I don't trust it. The other shoe is sure to drop sooner or later. The longer this goes on, the more I am thinking I found the key to my drinking thing. I made it through a night of really shit mood without giving in, and I didn't resent the plan for it. Additionally, it sounds as if gaming may possibly actually happen today. *crosses all fingers, eyes, and toes* Ow! I forgot how much sprint intervals work your triceps! Still trying to sort my thoughts and feelings about all this, but for now, I need to shower.

Woo! You made it through the ick, and now you seem to be having a good day. That' is wonderful news. I hope you get to game tonight!