The camera adds 50 pounds...

[Oshika789]

This is the beginning of a rambling novel, somewhat therapeutic for myself more than anything... continue at your own risk...

 

So I think I've been on auto pilot since April. That was when a major life change was set into motion, and while I do think it was the right choice, it was hard on me. It still is. I know I'm not alone in saying that I hate change. My husband gets frustrated with me sometimes because he'll suggest doing something, and my immediate reaction is to balk at it. And that's just something small like going to the mall for a certain japanese restaurant, when I've already planned in my head to spend the evening snuggled up on the couch. But I digress...

 

This change is easily the biggest I've made since I moved out of my parents' house and to another state at the age of 20 (somehow I was a bit more fearless then?). Last year, my hubby was accepted into a graduate school about 2 hours from our home. We had about a year before he would actually start, and initially planned for me to stay at my job, and stay in our home while he got an apartment near school and we would take turns commuting on the weekends. The closer we got, the more crappy that arrangement seemed, and so we made the huge decision for me to move with him. Which for me meant leaving the job I love, the co-workers who were like my 2nd family, the home we built together in the town I love, and starting at a new job in a big new city that I absolutely dreaded. BUT, I would be with him, so it was worth it. 

 

To add to the drama, once we realized how expensive it was to rent a house (assuming they'd take our pets, which include a 140 pound dog), we decided it made more sense practically and financially to BUY a house. But we didn't want to lose our current home (which was our first house together, and we plan to return to after he graduates), so we decided we'd rent our home, and we began the search to purchase a 2nd home. Mind you, we aren't rich by any means, these are not fancy vacation homes, lol. But regardless, by summer we had found a house in the new city (which honestly I don't even like it, but it's meant to be a temporary residence for just a few years...), and now we have tenants, and their problems become OUR problems at any given time, 2 hours away. At any rate, we managed to get moved to the new place, I was able to transfer to another job with the same company, and other than a leaky pipe and a malfunctioning air conditioner, so far no major issues with the tenants. Oh, did I mention my mother-in-law also lives with us? She took a job a year ago in the same city as the school hubby got in to, and was renting a tiny apartment for a ton of money... how could we not offer to let her stay with us when we ended up getting a house there?? While I like her and we get along, it's a whole different dynamic when you have a constant house guest... who gets a bit crazy at times... who is your mother-in-law...

 

Wow. So that's the last 9 months in a nutshell. I'm STILL trying to get the house organized and everything unpacked. Nothing seems to fit anywhere, and some days I feel like dragging all of our belongings out to the curb and saying F it all. My job is an 8-5 drudgery, with co-workers that I have nothing in common with (they're ALL twice my age! How? Why?), and the commute... I basically white-knuckle the 35 minute drive both ways. It feels like I'm in a nascar race with a bunch of drunken monkeys! So I know that I'm dealing with a lot of stress from everything that's changed, and I'm still adjusting to it all. I'm not sure if I'm also a bit depressed, I just know that my emotions are less than stable lately. Now the holidays are here (wait, wasn't it September yesterday?) and I'm not prepared. Christmas is looming, and while we're doing a low-key holiday, there are still gifts to buy, and visitors coming in just a few weeks and my house isn't ready and I don't know how it ever will be...

 

Boy, it feels good to get that out. I really feel alone here, and even though my husband is sympathetic (and a bit concerned about me at this point), I don't want to drag him down by rehashing everything over and over. His schooling is demanding, and he isn't allowed to have even a part time job through the 2.5 year course, so I'm also the only income (we were able to save up a good safety net before he left his job, but it still weighs heavily on me, and it feels like every time we turn around we have to drop more money on something unexpected). That's life I guess. 

 

Oh, and about the camera adding 50 pounds? See, I'm naturally UN-photogenic. I don't know what it is. And I'm not just saying that, even my husband has hesitantly agreed that me in person, and me in a photo look like 2 entirely different people. Yesterday I was feeling cute and casual and comfy at our family Thanksgiving gathering. My hubby's 17 year old little sister is selfie obsessed, and has one of those ridiculous selfie sticks... and of course at every chance she gets she wants everyone to do a selfie with her... so we all crowd around the chair his darling mammaw is sitting in for a family photo. I tried my best to hide behind the chair and look small, and yet, somehow I end up looking like a linebacker. Why? WHY????? Just when I think I found a smidgen of self-confidence, I see that picture and get a full on stomach punch to the self-esteem. I didn't even overdo it on dinner yesterday.

 

So now I am dealing with the downward spiral of self-berating thoughts. I was doing pretty well with my eating lately (so I thought), and I keep meaning to try to add some exercise, but my main focus has been trying to get unpacked and the house arranged (the random stuff and boxes everywhere just doesn't do it for me). I even splurged and jumped on the NF yoga bandwagon when it was first introduced many moons ago, and yet still only managed to try one video and one of the stretching videos and then... nothing.

 

I think a food journal and even a couple days a week to do something, anything exercise related would be good for me. But somehow I just don't do anything. I keep telling myself, once I get X done then I'll have time to do (exercise, eating better, etc). Honestly, compared to the weeks when we were in the moving / job transition phase, I am eating much better. I always do pretty well for breakfast and lunch during the week, because it's planned and I'm limited to what I have (which i make sure is portion controlled and healthy). But evenings and weekends can be a challenge. We're eating out less which is always a plus, but even so I can still manage to find something to snack on that I don't need and isn't exactly a great choice.

 

So I need a plan. Not a complete overhaul, but just a starting point for now. Small changes, right? So this weekend I will plan our dinners for next week, and have healthy snack options on hand to avoid the very few unhealthy snacks that hubby keeps around (he magically rarely snacks, and has no problem having a small portion, while I on the other hand am a grazer, and could eat constantly). I know I can succeed if my food is healthy and controlled (I've done it before!), and for me personally, that is step one to looking less like a linebacker in photos, and more like a healthy, happy, less-stressed ME.

[IndyannieJones]

Writing it out does help make things feel better. You are right small changes is the way to go, I hope the holidays don't get too stressful for you!

 

And I can't even imagine living with my MIL but then again maybe it would be different if we got along better.... IDK lol