Men ONLY please...

[Guest Snake McClain]

She seemed like a pretty awesome girl, and definitely a looker, but I've had my suspicions that she didn't present her real self.

Unfortunately this is quite often the case with people. not just women.

[Church]

Yes, people have a habit of being rather disappointing.

[Guest Snake McClain]

So I'd like to talk about confidence. Just personal confidence in my relationship primarily. See I am pretty confident with her until I feel like she might not like something I'm about to do or say. Just every once in a while. So she tells me last night, "When you are confident it is the sexiest thing I've ever seen. But when you aren't i feel at a loss and can't help you." SO basically I need some wake up call to be more confident constantly. No faltering. NO wavering. Being the rock so she can trust and stand firm with me. I don't want to go around acting like a jerk. SO where is the middle ground? Being confident but not cocky?

Any advice? How to be a confident man in my relationship? It's the one major lacking point of my confidence. I'm not really insecure about any other category of life.

[Atalan]

It seems more that you need to trust that even if she doesn't like what you're about to do or say, she'll accept that it's part of you.

[Guest Snake McClain]

It seems more that you need to trust that even if she doesn't like what you're about to do or say, she'll accept that it's part of you.

That is a very good point. Never considered it.

[Church]

It seems more that you need to trust that even if she doesn't like what you're about to do or say, she'll accept that it's part of you.

That's exactly what I was going to say. To me it sounds more like an issue of trust and fear. Not only do you not trust the that she will accept all of who you are, but you fear that any misstep could destroy the relationship.

[Guest Snake McClain]

you guys are definitely right. I think I need to just be confident in who i am. maybe i fear she won't accept me because in some ways I do not accept myself

[Church]

you guys are definitely right. I think I need to just be confident in who i am. maybe i fear she won't accept me because in some ways I do not accept myself

That's entirely possible. Or it could just be one of those things that takes time. There are some things, like trust, that just take longer to build. And some things take a greater level of trust than others. I don't know what your specific case is, but I know I was with my ex for a year, and there were some things I just wasn't comfortable to bring up with her. I'd been burned in the past and that trust took longer to build with another girl.

[Guest Snake McClain]

most of my trust issues with females stem from my ex wife. i could run down a list but i'd rather not. i don't like to complain in life. but...seriously i know where it stemmed from. it's crazy.

[Neely]

I've had my share of bad relationships as well, two of the three have ended in lying and cheating on their part. First being my ex-wife, then several years later my now ex-fiance. Then lastly with me being convinced by a girl I loved to pack up and move to another state for her because "she loved me and wanted to be with me.. blah blah blah". Only to end it a week after I moved back and is now getting married herself.

All of these things have led to my weight issues, depression etc. After all of these experiences I've come to the conclusion. Women are crazy, they say that men are the heartless ones. But truly, woman are far worse then guys in my opinion. As a good friend of mine put it "Bitches be crazy". Once I came to except this and have realized I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy, my depression went away and I've found friends both here on NF as well as others. That have helped me begin to get my life back in order. First by helping me get back in shape and lose weight which is a major confidence booster.

So I think as part of the NF family we can all pull together and help each other through our roughest times. Whether it be emotional (relationships, daily life) or physical (workout limitations or plateaus) Or in my case fateaus ( a word i've coined referring to hitting a weight loss plateau, while still being fatter then you'd like) :-)

I apologize if this turned into a venting session on my part.

[Church]

I need to run something by the Man Council.

So there's this girl (isn't there ALWAYS a girl?) and I've known her for years. She's a waitress at my favorite local restaurant and that's how we met. We chat from time to time (read: when I can get her to reply) and I'd really like to see more of her, one date at least, but every time we make plans she comes up with something at the last minute and cancels.

I understand intellectually that I should just move along, but I'm kinda hung up on her. We've never spent any time together outside of her work, except for accidentally running into each other out in the world once, but I've known her for upwards of five years on a casual basis and I'm getting incredibly mixed messages. Literally, it's like shes 2 different girls who have two totally different opinions in regards to me.

I'm pretty sure I know how to deal with this, but I want your guys opinions.

[Neely]

So is she super nice and flirty while you're dining at the restaurant that she's a waitress at? But kind of cold everywhere else? If so it could just be a tips thing, she knows you're a regular and because you're into her you may tip her better and she knows that. Just a thought.

[killerBsaturn]

Time to move on buddy, if she's cancelling plans multiple times she doesn't want to see you. I'd recommend staying away from the restaurant and her completely. There always the chance if you stop coming around she will seek you out, but thats slim.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

you guys are definitely right. I think I need to just be confident in who i am. maybe i fear she won't accept me because in some ways I do not accept myself

This is the most important thing, if for no other reason than if you misrepresent yourself now, you either have to hold the charade forever or reveal you were fake, which leads to disappointment and mistrust.

Time to move on buddy, if she's cancelling plans multiple times she doesn't want to see you. I'd recommend staying away from the restaurant and her completely. There always the chance if you stop coming around she will seek you out, but thats slim.

I disagree. Ask her straight up, in a nice way, something along the lines of "Hey, you've cancelled on me a few times now, and I just wanna make sure you're into doing this. Don't wanna string things along if you're not into it."

I used to not be this way before my wife and the few girls before her and ended up wasting my time in a few places, but worse, I ended up missing a few chances because if I had asked straight up I would have found the chick was more into than I had thought. Be straight up and you'll get an answer. You may not like it, but you'll have a clear path forward. Chicks like decisive dudes.

[Church]

So is she super nice and flirty while you're dining at the restaurant that she's a waitress at? But kind of cold everywhere else? If so it could just be a tips thing, she knows you're a regular and because you're into her you may tip her better and she knows that. Just a thought.

She's isn't super flirty at all, but she's usually pretty happy to see me when I show up, and we shoot the shit and all that fun stuff. And even make plans to do things. And then next time I see her shes colder and more resistant to possibly doing something. And it's the same in text as well. Sometimes shes down for whatever, and other times I send multiple messages over the course of several weeks before MAYBE getting a reply.

But ultimately Corey is right. Time to move on.

Damn... She was cute too.... *sigh*...... Ok moving on.

[smedly]

She's isn't super flirty at all, but she's usually pretty happy to see me when I show up, and we shoot the shit and all that fun stuff. And even make plans to do things. And then next time I see her shes colder and more resistant to possibly doing something. And it's the same in text as well. Sometimes shes down for whatever, and other times I send multiple messages over the course of several weeks before MAYBE getting a reply.

But ultimately Corey is right. Time to move on.

Damn... She was cute too.... *sigh*...... Ok moving on.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]4795[/ATTACH]

[Church]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]4795[/ATTACH]

Thanks man

On the plus side though, rejection is good. Once you get used to any negative consequences, you lose the fear of them and also lose any compunction to avoid things because of that fear. Here's to one step in an ultimately positive direction *raises glass in silent salute then drinks*

[Guest Snake McClain]

She's isn't super flirty at all, but she's usually pretty happy to see me when I show up, and we shoot the shit and all that fun stuff. And even make plans to do things. And then next time I see her shes colder and more resistant to possibly doing something. And it's the same in text as well. Sometimes shes down for whatever, and other times I send multiple messages over the course of several weeks before MAYBE getting a reply.

But ultimately Corey is right. Time to move on.

Damn... She was cute too.... *sigh*...... Ok moving on.

My guess: She is actually seeing multiple people. So when she is super open to seeing you she has nothing else with anyone else going on. Then she cancels or disappears because someone else has come back or is there. maybe.

[GoToTheGround]

My new shoes look seriously, seriously dodgy. I don't care, but boy do they stand out!

[Church]

My guess: She is actually seeing multiple people. So when she is super open to seeing you she has nothing else with anyone else going on. Then she cancels or disappears because someone else has come back or is there. maybe.

That's kinda what I think. Which I'm fine with. We've known each other superficially for years now, but this would be a first date. Now obviously once she saw how awesome I am I'd expect he to lose the excess baggage but for now it's cool. What I have a problem with is the complete lack of respect for me and my time. I mean, no matter how busy I am, I ALWAYS get back to people who make an effort to get in touch with me, and I always do my level best to follow through on my promises (if I say I'll be there, then I'll be there). As a side not I've only had to back out on a verbal contract once, I said I'd cover a shift for a guy but ended up having to go to my Baba's funeral instead. It just really burns me that people can't at least have to courtesy to respond or say "I gotta go, I'll talk to you some other time" at the end of a conversation.

I'm honestly growing to HATE texting in general. So much so, that I think TALKING on the phone (and in person) will be one of my goals for the next challenge.

[Guest Snake McClain]

That's kinda what I think. Which I'm fine with. We've known each other superficially for years now, but this would be a first date. Now obviously once she saw how awesome I am I'd expect he to lose the excess baggage but for now it's cool. What I have a problem with is the complete lack of respect for me and my time. I mean, no matter how busy I am, I ALWAYS get back to people who make an effort to get in touch with me, and I always do my level best to follow through on my promises (if I say I'll be there, then I'll be there). As a side not I've only had to back out on a verbal contract once, I said I'd cover a shift for a guy but ended up having to go to my Baba's funeral instead. It just really burns me that people can't at least have to courtesy to respond or say "I gotta go, I'll talk to you some other time" at the end of a conversation.

I'm honestly growing to HATE texting in general. So much so, that I think TALKING on the phone (and in person) will be one of my goals for the next challenge.

I'd have to ask...if she is doing such a piss poor job of getting back to you how good is she really going to be? She isn't giving any effort. and...I have to go back to something my ma told me a long time ago. "If a woman is interested she will make the time to spend with you." There will be no doubts. so...maybe just...not deal with her anymore. she probably just likes the attention and all that crap.

I have to agree. i'm so over texting i'm ready to just do away with it. that's one solid thing about the gal i'm seeing. we don't text much. a lot of phone and in person time. it's totally different and so much better.

[Church]

Yeah. I'm not doing much texting from now on. And you're right. I just tend to put up with that type of behavior because I have no real interpersonal relationships to fall back on. I only have a VERY TINY group of people I spend time with, (most of them are 2-3 decades OLDER than me) and expanding that circle of friends is HARD.

[Jcannon98188]

Yeah. I'm not doing much texting from now on. And you're right. I just tend to put up with that type of behavior because I have no real interpersonal relationships to fall back on. I only have a VERY TINY group of people I spend time with, (most of them are 2-3 decades OLDER than me) and expanding that circle of friends is HARD.

This. I have like 3-4 friends and that is about it. Expanding outside of that circle is hard, especially since I just never interact with anyone outside of my small company (only 12 people) and my friends.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Yeah. I'm not doing much texting from now on. And you're right. I just tend to put up with that type of behavior because I have no real interpersonal relationships to fall back on. I only have a VERY TINY group of people I spend time with, (most of them are 2-3 decades OLDER than me) and expanding that circle of friends is HARD.

well...have you tried online dating? (if that's your bag) or a meetup group? you could get into some cool stuff, fitness related or no, and meet some new cool people men or women.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Gotta get out there guys. The thing I did to meet new friends that worked when I moved last time was to look up local nerdy groups. I focused on nerdy things to be more certain we'd have things in common. Things I looked into were local D&D meet ups, comic cons, and video game conventions. I settled on the D&D meet ups and actually hung with those people for a bit before I ended up just driving home every weekend and not having time. It would have worked out nicely otherwise.