Plazmotic's Battle Log: CRYOGEN TERMINATED

[Plazmotic]

Wait. Huh. Guys, I think I might be pregnant? My cycle has been 27-28 days the last few months and right now I’m on day 34… then again, I’ve been tricked into thinking this way from a randomly one week longer cycle before. Ugh, no sense in getting my hopes up. Even if I was pregnant, nothing is certain because I’ve never gotten past 7 weeks before.

 

In other news, did my second class at the OCR place last night, another HIIT bootcamp class. Did much better this time around! By which I mean I did not feel like I was going to vomit at any point LOL. I was still getting dizzy though and the instructor pointed out that I wasn’t breathing correctly, which meant I was likely hyperventilating. This explains a lot, actually. I’ve never been good at controlling my breathing during exercise. Anyway, today my arms are completely (insert meme-voice) BONELESS. One of the owners suggested I also try out their calisthenics class, which focuses on bodyweight exercises. Excited to give it a try!

[Dagger]

34 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

In other news, did my second class at the OCR place last night, another HIIT bootcamp class. Did much better this time around! By which I mean I did not feel like I was going to vomit at any point LOL. I was still getting dizzy though and the instructor pointed out that I wasn’t breathing correctly, which meant I was likely hyperventilating. This explains a lot, actually. I’ve never been good at controlling my breathing during exercise. Anyway, today my arms are completely (insert meme-voice) BONELESS. One of the owners suggested I also try out their calisthenics class, which focuses on bodyweight exercises. Excited to give it a try!

The way I've noticed for myself is that I first work on form and ignore the breathing, because it is more important I get my form right. When I don't have to put quite so much attention to the form, I start paying a bit of attention to breathing. I imagine that when I feel more comfortable with more I'll eventually be able to train the breathing right too (when there is correct breathing). When I learn a new move, I can't follow all the cues, do them to the best of my ability, control my breathing, not fall over, and all the other things you need to do at once. I can only do a few at a time, so that is what I focus on. Start with the most important cues for me, slowly go to the other cues as I get comfortable with the first few and so on.

[Severine]

23 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

Wait. Huh. Guys, I think I might be pregnant? My cycle has been 27-28 days the last few months and right now I’m on day 34… then again, I’ve been tricked into thinking this way from a randomly one week longer cycle before. Ugh, no sense in getting my hopes up. Even if I was pregnant, nothing is certain because I’ve never gotten past 7 weeks before.

 

Good luck! Wouldn't that be the ultimate troll from a future offspring? Wait until mum is trying to study for an exam and then BAM morning sickness. 

 

23 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

In other news, did my second class at the OCR place last night, another HIIT bootcamp class. Did much better this time around! By which I mean I did not feel like I was going to vomit at any point LOL. I was still getting dizzy though and the instructor pointed out that I wasn’t breathing correctly, which meant I was likely hyperventilating. This explains a lot, actually. I’ve never been good at controlling my breathing during exercise. Anyway, today my arms are completely (insert meme-voice) BONELESS. One of the owners suggested I also try out their calisthenics class, which focuses on bodyweight exercises. Excited to give it a try!

 

Oh man, I am right there with you in the Fails At Breathing section of exercise land. When I pay really close attention to it, it makes such a huge difference in how easy things feel (oxygen helpful?? who knew) but if I don't pay attention it seems my default is crap. Which is demoralizing because it's breathing and its obviousness is supposed to be axiomatic.

 

I'm so chuffed you're going to the OCR place. Keep it up!

[Plazmotic]

Today is starting off badly for me.

 

Mad at husband since last night. He did & said something I didn’t like, I told him I found it upsetting, he got upset at me for being upset, I stormed off to the opposite side of the house. Usually if I’m mad at him and I go to bed mad I wake up fine, but not this morning. Still mad.

 

Was so convinced I was pregnant, took a test yesterday and this morning that confirmed I’m not. Promptly got my TOM on my way to work. Disappointed in myself for getting my hopes up, for being convinced of something without any evidence it was true. Feeling crushed. Trying to remember the bright side of things like @Severine mentioned above. And to add insult to injury my lady bits are feeling irritated and sore, in addition to my uterus doing its thing.

 

Forgot to put my eye drops in this morning, so inevitably I can’t see so well out of my right eye (backstory: I had laser eye surgery 6 years ago, I use eye drops to keep my vision clear). Another bodily irritation to pile on top of the list. Plus my overall body is still weak and sore from the bootcamp class.

 

While driving to work this morning all I could think was how I didn’t care about anything or anyone there. I thought: “I’m so disappointed in everything. My life is such a disappointment.” Tried to stop myself from crying in the car but couldn’t. Even typing that thought making me teary. I’m sure hormones are mostly to blame but sigh. I don’t know if I have the self-control or stamina to hold myself together until the end of the day.

 

IDK. Feeling angry and alone and disappointed. But I can’t show it at work, so I feel weirdly… disassociated. Outer Plaz is being calm and collected and helpful, but Inner Plaz has crumpled into a ball of inconsolable weeping.

[Severine]

Ugh that all sounds crap. Added up no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. And yeah, having to pretend everything is fine can be really alienating. You're always free to vent here, though. Try to keep in mind the short expiry timers for some of these woes: you will have your eye drops soon (or could even buy more at lunch at a nearby pharmacy?); the soreness will pass as you recover and it is a step to getting stronger; your TOM won't last long either. If you remember the limited impact of the little stuff it might give you more energy to grapple with the bigger stuff.

 

Is there some nice thing you could do tonight that'd help you feel loved and give you something to look forward to during the day? Like take a long walk in an area you like, or go for a massage, or see a movie, or do some scrapbooking or something? Wouldn't hurt to take a couple hours off studying.

 

Also, if it helps, absent any actual information about your husband or what the subject of disagreement was, I am 100% assuming it's his fault

 

[Plazmotic]

7 hours ago, Severine said:

If you remember the limited impact of the little stuff it might give you more energy to grapple with the bigger stuff.

This is a good perspective to have. I do have a tendency to only live in the moment when shit goes sideways, when things are good my brain is fine at long term goals and considerations.

 

7 hours ago, Severine said:

Is there some nice thing you could do tonight that'd help you feel loved and give you something to look forward to during the day?

Struggling to find some way to show myself love. Was thinking with wine, but now I have heartburn and alcohol won't help. I'm just trying to be kind and gentle with myself in the way I know is best for me. Still have to study though.

 

7 hours ago, Severine said:

Also, if it helps, absent any actual information about your husband or what the subject of disagreement was, I am 100% assuming it's his fault

LOL it wasn't 100% his fault. Maybe 85%. I'm not mad any more at least. Just... tired. And sad. My sad is bleeding into everything.

 

----------

 

Work was a shit show today. Highlights included: yelling at a dude for doing something stupid and dangerous and getting a dismissive retort in return, and training a new lady who bluntly proclaimed that one of my projects was doomed to fail and I shouldn't bother with it (Bonus: I stepped out for a second and heard her tell the other guy in the room "I like her!" WELL the feeling is not mutual).

[Severine]

3 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

and training a new lady who bluntly proclaimed that one of my projects was doomed to fail and I shouldn't bother with it (Bonus: I stepped out for a second and heard her tell the other guy in the room "I like her!" WELL the feeling is not mutual).

 

This made me laugh, and not in a good way for that lady. This is a new trainee? I definitely don't start telling people I think their ideas are going to flop in my first week at a new job...

 

I hope the sadness passes, or at least helps you find a reason to change stuff in a way that will make things better for future Plaz.

[Plazmotic]

On 9/13/2017 at 10:14 PM, Severine said:

This is a new trainee? I definitely don't start telling people I think their ideas are going to flop in my first week at a new job...

It's her 2nd or third week with the company but I KNOW RIGHT? I was certainly taken aback.

 

Feeling less sad since yesterday. Still vaguely worried and anxious about... stuff.

[Plazmotic]

Okay so I was feeling alright this morning but by the time I got to work… ugh. Got the sads. Well, also, I feel dizzy and weak and unfocused. Being a woman sucks. Being an infertile woman sucks more. I get so annoyed at my TOM, thinking like “all this monthly hassle and pain for NOTHING.” Gahhhhh. Feels worse when I hear friends, family, coworkers (all my age, 32-37 years old) are having their first and second babies without a hitch, I can’t even blame being “older” as the reason for my issues.

 

To make things worse, it’s now lining up that there is a high probability I will get my TOM on the very day of my licensing exam. I have no clue how I will potentially handle this terrible conundrum.

[Severine]

On 9/15/2017 at 9:19 AM, Plazmotic said:

Okay so I was feeling alright this morning but by the time I got to work… ugh. Got the sads. Well, also, I feel dizzy and weak and unfocused. Being a woman sucks. Being an infertile woman sucks more. I get so annoyed at my TOM, thinking like “all this monthly hassle and pain for NOTHING.” Gahhhhh. Feels worse when I hear friends, family, coworkers (all my age, 32-37 years old) are having their first and second babies without a hitch, I can’t even blame being “older” as the reason for my issues.

 

I can't pretend to really understand what you're going through (I have never wanted kids, so my relationship with my reproductive system has always consisted of thwarting its purpose with all technology at my disposal) but I'm the same age as you and I have seen friends and my SIL go through what you're going through and I have seen how hard it can be for people, physically and emotionally. The stories ended a couple different ways: one of my friends adopted, one got her sister to be a surrogate, and one of my friends went to a fertility specialist and they found it was actually her partner who was infertile, so they went with a sperm donor. With my SIL, she had miscarried and then they tried for two years and nothing, and they were in the middle of a second round of tests at a fertility clinic when she finally got pregnant again and managed that time to carry to term. (She's now pregnant with her second).

 

I'm not going to offer advice about what to do because not only is it not really my place, and I'm also pretty sure you've got plenty of people giving you advice whether you want it or not, and I know you're smart and resourceful enough to explore whatever options appeal to you. All I want to do is offer e-hugs and a show of support and to remind you of a thing you already know, which is that your value as a person and as a woman is not determined by the workings of your uterus and ovaries, and that if you want to raise kids there are plenty of ways to make that happen and none of them is 'lesser' than the default way.

 

 

Quote

To make things worse, it’s now lining up that there is a high probability I will get my TOM on the very day of my licensing exam. I have no clue how I will potentially handle this terrible conundrum.

 

This is just cruel. Bodies are assholes sometimes.

 

Hope studying is going well. How have the last couple of days been?

[Plazmotic]

12 hours ago, Severine said:

All I want to do is offer e-hugs and a show of support and to remind you of a thing you already know, which is that your value as a person and as a woman is not determined by the workings of your uterus and ovaries, and that if you want to raise kids there are plenty of ways to make that happen and none of them is 'lesser' than the default way.

Thanks so much for your kind words Sev. I was telling my husband over the weekend that what I really need is another lady-friend who is going through the same thing as me and will say “let’s hang out and be angry together!” I’m hoping there’s a somewhat happy ending in the future for me, but as a habit I tend to prepare for the worst case scenario. It’s just the situation of not knowing that causes stress for me. Answers will make me feel better, so I’m looking forward to finally going through a fertility clinic in October.

 

Last couple days have been alright. Saturday I met up with a friend to go shopping; bought new pants for work from Old Navy and they are basically warm stretchy leggings and I love them. Been trying to study but I have other obligations as well like cooking and cleaning and managing my finances.

 

Work is still giving me the sads though. I haven’t felt the same about this place since they fired a whole bunch of people in April/May, including my old boss. I don’t feel empowered or appreciated anymore, my old boss was great at that. He was awesome in general and he got fired by his own very awesome boss, who I really liked but do not trust anymore.

[Severine]

Is the clinic visit before or after your exam? Hopefully after, since it has the potential to be an emotional day. I hope you get clear answers with a lot of options in response.

 

And I don't know if support groups are your thing, but I would bet cash money that there are plenty of fertility themed ones out there (e.g. https://www.meetup.com/topics/ttc/ca/on/toronto/) so if talking to women going through the same situation is really a thing that'd really help you, there are places to look for kindred spirits. Even if looking for people is sort of terrifying on its own. You could always think about it post-exam when you have more time?

 

Those pants sound amazing. I pretty much just want to wear leggings all the time. Remember in the late 80s/early 90s when we were kids and bicycle shorts with giant neon hypercolour t-shirts and high-top reeboks were the height of elementary school fashion?? I shudder when I look at the photos but god damn that stuff was comfortable.

 

The work situation sounds miserable. Layoffs are always terrible for morale, and yeah, I wouldn't trust my company after that either. Will your license/certification thing (whatever it is you're studying for) open up opportunities to move to competing companies? 

[Plazmotic]

18 hours ago, Severine said:

Is the clinic visit before or after your exam?

It's before, sigh. And I worry that they're going to want to immediately start doing cycle tracky stuff that will require me to visit the clinic at 9am 2-3 times a week. 

 

19 hours ago, Severine said:

Will your license/certification thing (whatever it is you're studying for) open up opportunities to move to competing companies? 

Indeed it will! Overall having this certification means I get more bargaining power during job searches.  

 

Thanks so much for the links, I’ve been link hopping and found some awesome blogs that relate to exactly what I’m going through.

[Plazmotic]

HNNNGGGGHHHH, another weekend gone. Another lovely, gorgeous, sunny weekend where I was cooped up inside studying instead of doing anything fun or fulfilling. And I wasn’t very good at focusing either, didn’t get nearly as much done as possible. I might need to give my husband my phone and disconnect my laptop from the internet in order to get my efficiency up to a reasonable rate.

 

It wasn’t 100% drudgery though. Saturday my in-laws came over to visit, so when the nephew showed up all bored and such I was like “WE ARE ABSCONDING TO THE PARK YO” and I took him to the playground at a school nearby. He was thrilled with it; the park actually had a sign that stated it was for kids ages 5-12 and he’s just turning 6, so a lot of the parts were still beyond his physical capabilities. But he likes being challenged physically. Every thirty seconds or so he would proclaim “this is the craziest park I’ve ever been to in my whole life.” Hee!

 

I also took Saturday evening off from studying and watched the Netflix movie Okja, which I really liked. Sunday didn’t do anything interesting, just studying and grocery shopping.

 

Plans for this week: more studying, bah. I keep reminding myself “short term pain for long term gain” but it doesn’t work much.

[Super Starling!]

I tend to disable the wi-fi or just write out my essays longhand if I can't get a handle on my Internetting. It's just so tempting to wander over to Facebook and see what my friends are doing (like, nothing, ever). What new video about an adopted dog I'll weep over next. 

 

I feel your loneliness w/r/t not having children. Though I'm not technically infertile, I also can't have kids due to the medication I'm on. It's really hard seeing one's friends using their bodies like clown cars to make themselves new little buddies when my own body is basically an acidic desert wasteland. I usually do okay, but for some reason seeing baby clothes gets to me. Like, those tiny goddamn shoes that babies won't even wear. But they're just so small. Or when I see my husband playing with my friends' kids and know that I've deprived him of dadhood. (He honestly doesn't seem to care much. He loves to stay up all night and then wake up late. Kids would mess with his schedule. But I worry that maybe on some level he cares and doesn't want to tell me.) It's lonely, sort of. I don't always want to be the caboose of my genetic line. 

 

I hope you're able to have kids. Take each month at a time, and don't feel bad for the emotions you're feeling. They're totally normal and valid. You've got this. 

[Plazmotic]

I HAVE RETURNED. Finished my exam on Tuesday so I partially have my life back. Work has also been crazy af, plus I have started diagnostic testing at the fertility clinic, so it's not like I'm completely swimming in free time now.

 

I hadn't gone to the OCR place for almost 3 weeks and finally went back yesterday (right after the owner/my trainer texted me asking when I was coming back and that everyone missed me, LOL) and boy howdy do I ever feel sore today. Focusing on calisthenics/body-weight exercises is definitely the way to go though.

 

So! I will be starting a new challenge on the 22nd in Druids again! I was definitely eating crap and barely moving for the last couple weeks before the exam, so I need it. Plus as we enter holiday season, it's important to build those habits. Wish me luck! Or suggest a theme for my next challenge!

[Plazmotic]

Um, hi everyone. I’m back?

 

Sort of had to take a break from the forums because life got a little too crazy for me to be online as much as I was. Was stressing over work and health stuff, so exercise and NF took a backseat. But it’s a new year and things at work are a little better now. Some updates:

-          Finished off a whole bunch of medical tests to figure out my infertility/miscarriage issues and the result was a clean bill of health for both me and my husband.

-          Found out a couple days ago I am likely pregnant once more?! I don’t know how to feel about this and my clinic isn’t picking up the phone but I NEED HELP because my body is NO GOOD AT THIS THING.

-          I passed my licensing exam!! This means it’s time to polish off my resume and find something new (closer to home) before I get fired or something IDK.

 

So that’s me, hope everyone else is doing okay. I need to trawl the threads and catch up!

[Severine]

48 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

Um, hi everyone. I’m back?

 

Sort of had to take a break from the forums because life got a little too crazy for me to be online as much as I was. Was stressing over work and health stuff, so exercise and NF took a backseat. But it’s a new year and things at work are a little better now. Some updates:

-          Finished off a whole bunch of medical tests to figure out my infertility/miscarriage issues and the result was a clean bill of health for both me and my husband.

-          Found out a couple days ago I am likely pregnant once more?! I don’t know how to feel about this and my clinic isn’t picking up the phone but I NEED HELP because my body is NO GOOD AT THIS THING.

-          I passed my licensing exam!! This means it’s time to polish off my resume and find something new (closer to home) before I get fired or something IDK.

 

So that’s me, hope everyone else is doing okay. I need to trawl the threads and catch up!

 

 

Welcome back! Congrats on the pregnancy and passing your exam. I hope the clinic gets back to you ASAP because s!tress sucks. But the best thing you can do right now is take good care of yourself.

 

Look forward to seeing you around when you have time.

[Plazmotic]

43 minutes ago, Severine said:

I hope the clinic gets back to you ASAP because s!tress sucks.

They called back! I can go for a blood test first thing tomorrow!

 

I have an appointment on Wednesday for something unrelated to pregnancy but I’m hoping I can discuss with the doctor and come up with a game plan at that time.

[Plazmotic]

Some thoughts:

• When I first told my husband that I got a very faint positive pregnancy test, all he did was nod and hug me  and continue doing whatever he was doing at the time. I brought up his blasé reaction later that day and his response was “I’m happy, but I worry you’re going to suffer again.”
• I haven’t worked on my novel in a very long time, since I started studying for my exam in September. This breaks the first rule of being a writer, which is “for the love of god just write”. I’m not sure what’s blocking me right now, I’m at a very exciting part of the novel where the heroes have a dangerous but comedic escape, maybe it’s inertia that’s stopping me.
• I’ve noticed I’m on my phone a lot lately in the evenings and on weekends, even though I have books to read and unfinished objects to crochet and an assortment of other priorities. I think the issue is that crochet and reading require my brain to be engaged, and that’s not what I’m looking for when it comes to spare time right now.

[Severine]

Your husband's reaction is understandable (even considerate - I'm glad he's not one of those guys who puts his partner's health/feelings as a second priority behind having babies) but I think in your place it would have stung my feelings a little, anyway. /hugs if you want them.

 

I'm not sure if the mention of the phone was meant as something you were unhappy with. If it's not, just ignore this. But if it is: I have a place on my desk (at home) where I put my phone when I'm at home, and I try to leave it there and not carry it around the house with me, because if it's in my pocket I kept getting sucked into reading news (which is bad for anxiety right now...) or scrolling through instagram or other nonsense. Is there something you could do that would let your brain feel relaxed, but that'd make you feel better about your use of time than your phone? 

 

As for novelling: I did NaNoWriMo in November (or tried to, at least...only got to 15,000 words) and I want to go back and finish what I was working on but I feel the same. Stalled somehow, like the activation energy of getting back into it is too high. For now I'm just letting myself brainstorm and write scenes in my head when I have a free moment in the shower or walking, or something. It helps me feel still involved with the story without actually requiring me to do any real work.

[Plazmotic]

13 hours ago, Severine said:

I'm glad he's not one of those guys who puts his partner's health/feelings as a second priority behind having babies

Me too, I wasn't hurt by his comment at all, it helped me understand and appreciate where he's coming from.

 

13 hours ago, Severine said:

Is there something you could do that would let your brain feel relaxed, but that'd make you feel better about your use of time than your phone? 

I'm trying to figure out what this would be... when I'm at home my phone is never out of reach. My phone is the only line of contact (we don't have a landline) so I feel obligated to hold onto it? Maybe that's just my excuse.

 

Re: novelling, I think I may be burned out on my novel, despite my love for it. I keep wanting to write fanfiction instead. *facepalm*

[Severine]

59 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

I keep wanting to write fanfiction instead. *facepalm*

 

Dude, I say write literally anything you feel like writing.

[Plazmotic]

3 hours ago, Severine said:

 

Dude, I say write literally anything you feel like writing.

I want to, but I need to convince my brain that it needs to stop feeling ashamed or guilty for not working on ~my dream passion~ and spending time with fluff instead.

[Severine]

Memo to Plaz's brain: stop it with the self-destructive all-or-nothing mentality!