Plazmotic's Battle Log: CRYOGEN TERMINATED

[Plazmotic]

Feeling good today, which of course when you’re pregnant means brainweasels are running amok. Not as bloated/gassy or queasy today, plus boobs aren’t as sore either. This is after I started progesterone supplements last night too.

 

I’ve come to realize that a lot of pregnancy symptoms are things I felt when I was definitely not pregnant as well, so why put so much stock into being fatigued or having heartburn when it might be happening unrelated to pregnancy?

 

Should hear back from the clinic this afternoon on whether my hormones are doubling properly or not. LE SIGH.

[Severine]

23 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

Feeling good today, which of course when you’re pregnant means brainweasels are running amok. Not as bloated/gassy or queasy today, plus boobs aren’t as sore either. This is after I started progesterone supplements last night too.

 

I’ve come to realize that a lot of pregnancy symptoms are things I felt when I was definitely not pregnant as well, so why put so much stock into being fatigued or having heartburn when it might be happening unrelated to pregnancy?

 

Should hear back from the clinic this afternoon on whether my hormones are doubling properly or not. LE SIGH.

 

Feeling good is feeling good, I say. 

 

I think pregnancy makes people hyperaware of their bodies in a way that has upsides and downsides. Obviously you want to be attentive to address signs of problems, but it can also make people anxious as hell worrying about every twinge and headache. Try to find a middle road, if you can. A good obgyn would help, I imagine? Do you trust your person, feel like they take your questions and worries seriously and give helpful answers?

 

Fingers crossed on the results!

[Plazmotic]

1 hour ago, Severine said:

A good obgyn would help, I imagine? Do you trust your person, feel like they take your questions and worries seriously and give helpful answers?

I’m currently seeing a fertility specialist and she’s quite good. I told her yesterday I was happy but freaking out and she was like “that is an entirely reasonable reaction given your history” and it felt so good to be validated like that. Also, she is one of the few lady doctors I’ve had that used touch to comfort me which is something I really appreciate.

 

Then again, hyper-analysis is my middle name, LOL. I don’t bring up every single one of my concerns to medical professionals for fear I sound like a Crazy Person.

[Severine]

1 hour ago, Plazmotic said:

Then again, hyper-analysis is my middle name, LOL. I don’t bring up every single one of my concerns to medical professionals for fear I sound like a Crazy Person.

 

Yeeeeah this is me too. I've heard @fleaball talk about similar concerns too (about being taken seriously) and in some cases actually NOT be taken seriously, especially by the half-assed student health centre of yore.

[Plazmotic]

Second test results are in… hormone levels went down instead of doubling. Going in for a third blood test on Saturday to confirm the inevitable.

 

EVERYONE PLEASE DISTRACT ME FROM CRAWLING INTO A HOLE AND WEEPING.

[Severine]

8 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

Second test results are in… hormone levels went down instead of doubling. Going in for a third blood test on Saturday to confirm the inevitable.

 

EVERYONE PLEASE DISTRACT ME FROM CRAWLING INTO A HOLE AND WEEPING.

 

I don't know enough to know how sure that is as an indicator but no matter what happens your family and husband and friends (including peeps around here) love you and will be there for you. Your value has nothing to do with how long it takes you to have a baby. Was there anything that helped you cope in a healthy way last time you got this kind of bad news? What about something like a weekend away, or even a day trip? Or doing something cathartic and creative? Pamper yourself, or take in some art, or go on an adventure (even if it's close to home). Or lose yourself in some enthralling fiction or meditate or cry on the shoulder of someone who loves you.

 

I do all sorts of random weird shit when I feel hopeless. Sometimes I watch Aliens (one of my favourite movies) because it literally makes me feel better that hey, at least no horde of killer monsters is trying to eat me. Or I go and listen to live classical music and cry quietly in my seat. Sometimes I write, sometimes I read. Sometimes I drive to a part of town I don't know and walk around for hours and hours, people watching and letting my mind wander. Whatever makes you feel...not necessarily good, but gives you more perspective. Creates a bit of distance and makes things feel less raw and urgent. 

 

Big hugs. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[Plazmotic]

Spent the weekend in a relatively decent mood. Friday night was spent treating myself to binge-watching Planet Earth II. Got some facial care done on Saturday. Spent time with family especially husband’s nephew who is my favourite kid. But started feeling low by Sunday night, thinking of all the important things I need to do but haven’t done yet (prep for tax season, job search, emissions test for my car, etc.). Also doesn’t help that since the new year started a few coworkers who were my friends have left for greener pastures. Work is far more drudgery-like these days.

[Severine]

11 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

Friday night was spent treating myself to binge-watching Planet Earth II.

 

That scene where the baby lizard escapes a thousand snakes is one of the most dramatic and emotional things I have ever watched. It gives me feelings just to think about it. That lizard is my hero.

 

11 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

But started feeling low by Sunday night, thinking of all the important things I need to do but haven’t done yet (prep for tax season, job search, emissions test for my car, etc.).

 

When I feel like that I try pick a ridiculously small thing that will feel like progress and do it for the mood boost. Like open the envelope from the tax accountant and put the forms on my desk, or open the job search listing and do one search and read the first three listings, or even just make a list of tasks or something. It doesn't always help but it helps often enough to be worth trying. Sometimes it changes a bunch of pending tasks from a looming sense of dread and doom to a less scary concrete set of actions I am reasonably confident I can muddle through.

 

11 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

Also doesn’t help that since the new year started a few coworkers who were my friends have left for greener pastures. Work is far more drudgery-like these days.

 

Did you keep in touch with any of them? If you were on friendly terms, it's (in my opinion) totally okay to email them at their new place and ask how they like it and let them know that you're thinking of moving and they should let you know if there are openings there.

[Plazmotic]

9 hours ago, Severine said:

If you were on friendly terms, it's (in my opinion) totally okay to email them at their new place and ask how they like it and let them know that you're thinking of moving and they should let you know if there are openings there.

I was just thinking about this, I'm definitely in touch with my old co-workers, might be time to message them to keep their eyes open for me.

[Plazmotic]

Back again, was AWOL for a few days to deal with my latest MC. Feeling much better now physically. Started telling a few people like my parents and friends. One of my BFFs sent me a lovely card in the mail which I really appreciated. Texting my parents yesterday was fine but I know when they call me tonight I will be upset by their desire to problem solve and get me back on the TTC train. One of my friends at work gave me the most RIDICULOUS advice regarding priests and ghosts and I just can’t even.

 

You know how when you don’t have luck in relationships, the sight of happy couples or cute love songs on the radio fill you with seething anger and jealousy? Didn’t know it was possible to feel that way about children and families BUT IT IS.

[Sloth the Enduring]

When we were having troubles Mrs. Sloth and I went to a Hmong healer for a ceremony and traditional medicine on someone's ridiculous advice.

We had the most trouble when we saw families with neglected kids.

I know I can't say anything to make you feel better, but I hope you get your happy result soon.

[Severine]

5 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

Back again, was AWOL for a few days to deal with my latest MC. Feeling much better now physically. Started telling a few people like my parents and friends. One of my BFFs sent me a lovely card in the mail which I really appreciated. Texting my parents yesterday was fine but I know when they call me tonight I will be upset by their desire to problem solve and get me back on the TTC train. One of my friends at work gave me the most RIDICULOUS advice regarding priests and ghosts and I just can’t even.

 

You know how when you don’t have luck in relationships, the sight of happy couples or cute love songs on the radio fill you with seething anger and jealousy? Didn’t know it was possible to feel that way about children and families BUT IT IS.

 

Many many hugs. Glad you're feeling physically better. It sounds like telling people is its own special flavour of hard, on top of going through the actual experience. I mean...ghosts, really?? Many of life's biggest challenges are like that, I think...telling people about it is a second round of hell. When I got divorced from my ex (we married at 22 and split at 25) I remember being incredibly relieved about the divorce itself but I absolutely dreaded having to tell everyone and deal with their opinions/advice/awkwardness. 

 

Would your parents respond to a request for time and space before they start talking about next steps? Just say you want to wait a couple weeks before thinking about that? I know some parents can't be stopped when they're on a steamroll of Just Trying To Help but maybe at least worth a shot.

[Plazmotic]

On 1/19/2018 at 4:23 PM, Severine said:

Would your parents respond to a request for time and space before they start talking about next steps? Just say you want to wait a couple weeks before thinking about that? I know some parents can't be stopped when they're on a steamroll of Just Trying To Help but maybe at least worth a shot.

 

Over the weekend I met up with my in-laws on Saturday and then my own family on Sunday.

 

My in-laws asked factual questions when I let them know what happened. SIL was distressed by the news, she’s very empathetic that way. MIL kept waiting on me, telling me to sit and she’d grab whatever I needed. I had to reassure them that health-wise I was doing just fine. They tend to treat me as fragile post-MC, which I am not.

 

My family has clearly learned their lesson from MC number 2 (when I told them off for aggressively trying to problem solve the issue instead of just letting me be) because this time they all just let me be! We were out for brunch and just laughed and joked and chatted about life and pointedly DID NOT talk about my health. It was so good to just be normal for a while, especially as my hormones return to a zero state and I don’t have that crummy first trimester feeling any more.

[Plazmotic]

Tough stuff: applying for jobs when all you can think is "BUT I'M AN INCOMPETENT COWARD THO." *creys*

[Plazmotic]

So I tried microdermabrasion yesterday. Don’t know if I have the patience or money to continue doing it until I see results (my reason for trying it was to eliminate acne scars), plus I’m not sure if it works?

[Plazmotic]

Husband is being extra awesome lately!

 

During our weekly grocery shop yesterday, we decided to go to the fancy store instead of our usual bargain store (I had a gift card), and when we got there my husband completely took over the process of figuring out lunch for the week, all on his own accord. Plus he was healthy about it! He ended up getting sandwich fixins (salami, ciabatta, cheese) plus a club size tray of quinoa salad as a side, then when we got home he made all the sandwiches and put them all in containers with the salad. Then he set up lunch too. As a thank you, I did the dishes for him.

 

Aaaaand he’s been doing research on Greek island tours/cruises, because he knows Greece is number 1 on my bucket list of places I want to visit. Woooo.

[Plazmotic]

I’ve got the blargh again aka I’m sick. Haven’t been feeling well since Monday morning, low energy and tiredness no matter how much coffee I drank. Then as I drove to work this morning my nose and throat got this weird feeling that only happens when I’m getting feverish and my body temperature shoots up above normal. Just in time for the weekend, booooo.

 

Like I mentioned in my challenge thread, I’ve got an barely used Moleskin sketchbook that I want to put to use somehow. But I don’t want to go full BuJo, because it’s too big for me to carry around + I’ve already got alternate tools to organize my life. WHAT DO??

[Plazmotic]

ZOMG, I’m not feeling sick anymore? No more lethargy or sore throat, it all disappeared somehow. Hooray!

[Plazmotic]

Brainstorming for the next challenge…

 

Thanks to some inspiration and a push from @Severine, I started journaling! I’ll post pics maybe on the weekend; I’m quite proud of how it looks! I’m a creative person, but drawing was never my strong suit, so it’s nice to surprise yourself with SUPRIZE MAD SKILLZ haha.

 

Going to continue:

Get back to being strict about an eating window of 10am to 8pm (10 hours)

Increase the amount of freggies I’m eating

 

No clue how to get myself to move more. There’s so many other things I’d rather do with my life than exercise.

[Plazmotic]

Thought I would share some pics of my journal. I wouldn’t call it a BuJo because I don’t have any monthly/weekly/daily summaries or to-do lists or an index. Also it’s huge and I can’t carry it with me. But it’s still pretty af!

 

 

 

[Plazmotic]

This was a Monday that truly out-sucked most other Mondays.

 

1. Had to wake up early (5am) so that I could make it to the fertility clinic for a 7am appointment. My husband was in the shower when I was leaving (instead of usually handing me my stuff at the door) so it took me like an extra 5 minutes to balance all my crap and not drop anything.

 

2. Car was encased in a smooth sheet of ice thanks to freezing rain on Sunday, took at an extra 15 minutes to get myself a little square cleared in the front windshield.

 

3. Because I showed up late for my appointment I had to wait a lot longer before I was seen by a technician. And right before I left I thought someone picked up my coat instead of theirs by accident, but it was just that I didn’t recognize my own winter coat.

 

4. The parking payment machine was broken when I tried to leave the building, thought I was going to be stuck inside when it suddenly resolved itself after a few minutes of frustration.

 

5. Showed up an hour late for work. Also my car is basically out of gas right now ahhhhh. I hope I have enough to make it to the gas station, didn’t have time in the morning to fill up.

 

6. To top it all off, it’s my TOM and I feel sort of bleh.