Plazmotic's Battle Log: CRYOGEN TERMINATED

[Plazmotic]

1 minute ago, Severine said:

"overthinking is just another form of fear."

 

I used to say "pessimism is my defense mechanism", which is similar.

 

Last couple days I have been trying to find a moment to stop, breathe, and just be REALLY FUCKING GRATEFUL that I'm not infertile. It's hard, but I need to force the fearful parts of me out at times.

[Plazmotic]

UGH, I totally forgot that goat cheese and feta count as soft cheese and are therefore on the “do not eat if pregnant” list… totally had both of them yesterday with dinner. Also, apparently hot dogs are as bad as deli meats, and I had some of those too today in the test kitchen at work.

 

C’mon, Plaz. Get it together.

[Plazmotic]

More health/pregnancy talk:

Spoiler

 

My doctor called me on Sunday to let me know my blood test results came back and every thing looks good! The only little issue what that my thyroid levels are a little low, so I'm going to see her on Thursday for a follow up.

 

So I did some research on hypothyroidism and it KINDA EXPLAINS A LOT. Main symptoms are fatigue, weight gain, and feeling cold all the time, aka IT ME. Hypothyroidism interacts to worsen estrogen dominance and progesterone deficiency (again, IT ME), plus there's a genetic component since it can run in the family... my mom and sister BOTH have been treated for thyroid issues in the past.

 

Interested to see what my doctor will do to fix this. I also have a couple other issues I want to ask her about, hopefully I remember LOL.

 

 

[Plazmotic]

Random talky points:

 

1. Been spending a lot of time outside maintaining the lawn and gardens. We need to get soil, fertilizer, mulch, and all the plants/flowers we want to plant. It’s so expensive and new to me, I’ve never had a yard before. Husband is on a lawn care/garden mission. He's obsessed with seeding, mowing, and dandelion genocide.  

 

Spoiler

 

2. Pregnancy has been confirmed as viable via u/s. I should be 7 weeks but the embryo is looking more like 6 weeks, which is within range and due to a reasonable explanation (my long luteal phase) but it’s also just another thing for me to worry about. I had an appointment with my family doc and she wants me to do another blood test to re-check my TSH levels, which are slightly high. And apparently I don’t have any more rubella anti-bodies? So I’ll need to get the rubella vaccine again, post birth. Also, I’ve got a cold, so it’s impossible to tell what symptoms I even have anyways.

 

3. Experiencing some mild bleeding and cramping today. It's happened before but that doesn't stop me from freaking out.

 

 

[Plazmotic]

I just got a call from my Dr’s office that she wants me to do another u/s this Thursday, because she wants the week 7 results and I was only week 6 before. So now:

1. Worried that I’ll find out something is wrong, like it isn’t growing at all week to week and an m/c is imminent.
2. I have taken A LOT of time off work since the year started, beginning with fertility treatments and acupuncture, now leading into appointments and testing and labs. HR has noticed; the manager asked me a few weeks ago if I was okay (under the guise of compassion, but she is a smooth operator who noses around for deeper issues). I was looking forward to just doing my job and being consistently at work this week, so much for that. Might as well do the u/s AND the bloodwork Dr’s been asking for on Thursday, take the whole morning off and work late maybe.

IDK. Life is tough.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Good luck with the next U/S.

[Plazmotic]

13 hours ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Good luck with the next U/S.

I talked about it in my daily log thread, it wasn't good.  Embryo is still too small, which isn't very reassuring.

 

Waiting for my doctor to let me know what the next steps are.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Plazmotic]

Welp.

 

Got a call from my doctor's office, no general update from the nurse instead my doctor needs to talk to me personally when she's free this afternoon.

[Plazmotic]

Hi all, it's been a while. TMI...

 

On May 22 (right in the middle of hosting a damn family BBQ) I started to experience some intense bleeding. By Thursday I was starting to cramp badly too, so I told work I would be staying at home to recover. I waited a week and didn’t miscarry naturally, so my doctor prescribed me some pills to speed the process up. Went to the hospital last Friday and the ultrasound showed I’m in the clear now, everything is gone.

 

Taking it pretty well, considering. Lots to think about. One day at a time and all that.

[Sloth the Enduring]

I'm so very sorry.

[Elastigirl]

So sorry . 

[Plazmotic]

Struggling to figure out where I go from here.

 

I kind of gave up a lot of physical activity beginning of this year because doctor’s appointments and fertility treatments were eating up my time. I gave up a lot of things because doctor’s appointments and fertility treatments were eating up my time; my writing and baking and scrapbooking all went on hold too.

 

I feel like it’s time to bring back some level of daily activity to my life but I don’t know how. I don’t want a gym membership anymore, and when I go home all I want to do is Everything But Exercise (especially chores, because the cleaning of a house never ends). I just want to be active in a way that is fun, cheap, and easy. I don’t know if such a thing exists.

 

Controlling my eating is a lot harder these days too. When I found out I would miscarry I sort of gave in to eating my feelings, which is not something I normally do at all. Hard to get back on track...

[Copper Rabbit]

Hi Plazmotic, I am very sorry for your loss. Please do take the time to care for yourself well especially emotionally. Your thread is pulling on this rabbit's heartstrings and she wishes all the best for you.

[Plazmotic]

(Warning: a lotta bitching about lady problems to follow)

 

Foul mood this morning. Didn’t sleep well. Woke up pissed that I had to go to work. Even thinking about the fact that I’ll be on vacation in two weeks didn’t bolster me, because all I could think was “so what, after one week away amidst beauty and culture I’ll be back here slogging through bullshit FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.”

 

I blame hormones, am probably PMSing. Wish I had some kind of reference as to when they heck my period is coming. Couple days? A week? Couple weeks? Bahhhhh. Womanhood is nonsense.

 

In summary: feeling sad and angry and tired. I want to smash things while sobbing, then sleep for eleventy-billion hours. I want sunshine and space for creativity and the comfort of friends and family. I want to wear pretty shoes and paint my nails again. I want to weep and rage for my twenties because I’m not sure what the hell I even did with my twenties. I want therapy. I want everyone to leave me alone.

 

**4 hours pass**

 

WELL. It looks like I got my period this morning and couldn’t even tell until now. What I thought were PMS cramps were actually the real thing. Thankfully I am hella prepared with pads and tampons til the cows come home. Feeling much better. Ate a KFC wrap for lunch and it was exactly what I needed, so much pepper it almost made me sneeze, yum.

 

Happy again, more or less. I mean, I still feel like crying when I realize I've got my period and I'm not pregnant anymore. Hoping a run/walk with my SIL will distract me, but she's in the throes of some intense fertility treatment herself that might make me feel like crap even more... IDK any more.

[Plazmotic]

So over the weekend my in-laws came over and helped us hang up a fireplace and a couple of paintings. One of the paintings ended up a liiiiitle bit crooked, unfortunately. Is there any way to fix this without putting another hole in the wall? WHO KNOWS, but the crookedness is killing me! SYMMETRY OR DEATH.

 

I have a massive financial backlog to deal with. Basically, I keep all my receipts and then input all my purchases into an app that tracks my spending. Welp, the receipts have been sitting there since mid-June, it’ll take a few HOURS to input it all. I don’t HAVE a few hours during the week! Bahhhhh.

 

Made banana pancakes for breakfast yesterday, for the first time in years. So simple, so delicious.

[Plazmotic]

Last night, we found out that another one of my husband's high school BFFs just had a baby, so now we are the only ones without one. I also found out another old coworker is having her second, a girl this time. Age isn’t the issue, these women aren’t any younger than I am. I am just broken, apparently.

[Plazmotic]

I wanted to talk about thingsssss.

 

Despite the fact that I ate a crapload this weekend, Sunday and Monday me and the husband took it pretty easy. Then on Monday night I cooked something for the first time: Italian chicken stuffed peppers. Oh man, the filling was damn delicious, I had a bit leftover and ate it straight out the skillet using a giant serving spoon, LOL.

 

Tonight: plans to meet up with a friend! She wanted to meet up since just before I left for Lisbon so this is long overdue. We’re going shopping for comfy work shoes.

 

Possibly a bad move on my part: I started watching a Let’s Play for Nier Gestalt, with the goal of finishing that and watching a LP for Nier Automata immediately after. LPs give me liiiiiiife.

[Severine]

50 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

Possibly a bad move on my part: I started watching a Let’s Play for Nier Gestalt, with the goal of finishing that and watching a LP for Nier Automata immediately after. LPs give me liiiiiiife.

 

I had to google that particular game (I think it's console only? which I don't have) but yessss good let's plays are so enthralling.

[Plazmotic]

15 hours ago, Severine said:

I had to google that particular game (I think it's console only? which I don't have)

I have to admit that the only reason I know of this game is because I downloaded a few songs from the soundtrack after hearing them on a YouTube channel called Most Epic Music, lol.

[Plazmotic]

Wanted to talk a bit more at length about my upcoming professional licensing exam.

 

I am not very good at studying. This is due to the fact that up until grade 11 or so I didn’t need to study to get A’s in school, I could get by on my relatively strong natural intelligence. Then I got to the end of high school + university and I had no clue how to force knowledge into my brain. I’ve never figured out what works best for me, I just re-read and highlight and talk to myself hoping that it makes a difference somehow. So needless to say I am worried about this exam. I haven’t written an exam in… *does the math* JESUS CHRIST 12 years?! Oh god I’m screwed.

 

Was talking to my family about the exam and how I need to buckle down due to my crappy studying skills and my brother, who passed the licensing exam for his particular profession last year, was like: “Studying is important, but don’t give up working out, it clears your head and gives your mind a needed break. And don’t forget to sleep well and eat well too.” All good advice!

 

Family also told me I looked like I had lost weight over the last few months. Took the compliment for what it’s worth but I dislike thinness-based compliments, even if it’s from my family.

[Severine]

Your brother's advice is good. As for the exam, is it a really fact-based exam or more problem solving?

 

I had the exact same experience with school and it continued on into undergrad and even law school a bit. The funny thing is that I actually know, intellectually, all of the things that make for a good study strategy (make a schedule, break large topics into units, take breaks, review is important, space it out and don't cram, make sure to write things out or explain them to people in order to solidify and synthesize knowledge, give yourself recall tests instead of just reading, etc. etc. etc.) but I just wasn't in the habit of doing it and my motivation to be really dedicated was always low because half-assing it still got the results I wanted.

 

The thing that finally helped me get on board the proper studying train was independent language learning as an adult. Because there's no half-assing it - either you put in some time every day and you gradually accumulate knowledge and skill or you slack off and then...then nothing, really, because cramming for actual fluency absolutely cannot work. And I really did want to learn so I was basically forced to change. Using a mix of calendar reminders, phone apps with push notifications, and different rituals and interesting learning materials, I was able to turn myself into a person who actually studied every day and surprise surprise, it was super effective. I actually have a fair bit of regret because if I had done this sooner I could have taught myself so many interesting things by age 36.

 

Anyway my recommendations are to get a physical calendar for your wall or whatever and make a study schedule. A realistic one - if anything, make a schedule for less than you think you should be doing, just to make sure you can stick to it. And then on your first day sit down with the study materials and look through everything that's there and make lists and headings of the topics in order to develop an overall big picture of what there is to learn. Use this to make a rough study plan which you can tweak as you go. Refer to the exam requirements and, if possible, actual past exams to make sure you're covering the necessary topics. For all of this, handwrite it if you can - it helps fix knowledge in the brain way better than typing, which in turn is better than reading. 

 

For every hour you spend studying spend fifteen minutes reviewing stuff you already studied. As you study, take notes as appropriate. Whenever you can, explain the stuff to your husband or SIL or imaginary friend, like they don't get it and you're helping clarify it. Ask yourself random questions like, "how does this different/similar/related to the thing I studied last week?" Every week or so, skim over the chapter headings of everything you did in the past two weeks (and test your recall by making yourself give a quick overview of the important points of each of those topics) and then skim ahead to the chapter headings of what's coming next week. I could go on and on but I will stop

 

[Plazmotic]

1 hour ago, Severine said:

As for the exam, is it a really fact-based exam or more problem solving?

Both.  It includes your typical multiple choice questions as well as case study questions.

 

I asked a friend how she studied and she took the practice exam and depending on what sections she did the worst on, she made those the focus of her study. I’m focusing on the two sections that make up the bulk of the exam to start. Going to ask more friends what their techniques for studying were.

[Plazmotic]

Am thinking of going for a class at the OCR place this evening, but only if my uterus cooperates by not doing her monthly thing yet. Pretty sure by Wednesday it’ll be too late, so might as well capitalize. And my body has recovered from last week’s class, finally.

 

Resisted snacks at work this morning, since it’s too early to eat. This IF thing requires so much willpower, plus I’m feeling munchy.

 

Studying went alright over the weekend. Tried going to the library but instead of Quiet Time I got Happy Musical Toddler Drumming Time, yeesh. Came home pretty soon after that and realized studying at home is much better. It’s actually quiet and my husband is out of the way but keeps me accountable. One of the problems I’ve encountered is that when I’m doing practice questions, every now and then I come across a question I get wrong and even after I read the right answer I don’t understand WHY it’s the right answer, I still think my answer is a better answer? Should probably message my study buddy about these questions at some point.

 

Sigh. Everyone is telling me I will do fine at this exam but I am doubtful and paranoid. At least my family is as paranoid as I am.

[Dagger]

21 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

At least my family is as paranoid as I am.

I'm trying to decide if this is a good or bad thing. :S