eating humble pie

[Allie_the_Oracle]

Hey y'all or just me I guess!

 

I am still doing 15 bike, weight lifting and then 15 min speed work on treadmill. My diet has been fine aside from self sabotage a couple times a week. I ran 9.25 miles today. I am gearing up for another Ragnar which makes me very happy.

 

I am weighing about 133 right now. That's okay. I feel like I am always making progress of i keep on this path. I know that if i stayed committed to my diet when my progress would be greater but I have to live. I am moving I the right direction so I'm good.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

I'm on point. I have a graph with data and a solid routine. Now I just need patience and trust in the process. I have been doing a lot of enlightenment work lately, reading and meditation. I can't tell if it's making my head space better or worse. I'll admit that it is encouraging me to think and feel things that I'd rather not.

 

I have become obsessed with being the best version of myself. I heard plenty of times that obsessed is what the weak call the dedicated however there might be a bit of obsessive thinking going on regarding my body.

 

I ultimately want to just be at peace with myself and my life rather than on a constant corrective course. The thinking....I'll be happy when....is not healthy. I am truly happy now though but there is a bad man inside my head that reminds me how much more work I have to go.

 

I did a meditation this last week about self love and self sabotage. Something happened during it where instead of a calm meditation I cried the whole time, with my eyes closed of course since I was meditating. The experience was hurtful to my mind but I almost feel that it was necessary so I can be honest with myself about what I do to myself. I am very critical of myself and very self-conscience. I am lonely but have given up on trying to make friends. I am very awkward around people. For work and family I am fine but the general friend making ordeal is a complete fail. I have come to terms that I am judging others. I want the 'perfect' friend so instead I have no friends. Pretty sucky.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

On 3/2/2016 at 7:34 PM, Allie_the_Oracle said:

Send positivity into the world and it will come back to you, trust that.  Even if it takes a few days for it to boomerang back. 

 That is a good quote from myself. I just saw it in a post from last year. I'm wiser than I thought! 

[Allie_the_Oracle]

I'm tired. I wish I had time to lay down for a little bit. The last few nights I have not been sleeping good. Last night my son woke up and vomited on the floor, he could not make it to the toilet. Cleaning up baby puck is much easier than cleaning up a 14 year old's puck, yuck. Poor thing. I sent him to school anyway. I think he's okay. When I got back to sleep I had a nightmare, we were hiking in some snowy icy conditions and he feel to his death. I watched him slip off the cliff and land. Terrible. I wish I could get the image out of my mind.  

 

I have two work meetings today that I need prepare for. I have some reading to do so I know what the heck I am talking about. I typically go straight to the gym after I drop the boy at school but I came back home to goof around before my meetings. I will go to the gym after my second meeting. The boy will walk home from school instead of me picking him up. 

 

Today I am going to pay bills and assess our money situation. We went to Disney World last month and spent 9 days out of town and off work. My husband does not get paid vacation time so that vacation cost a pretty penny overall with the expenses and the loss of income. We'll be fine but just sayin. 

 

I am really digging my graph idea and the data collection regarding my weight /  BF %. It is turning this fitness journey into a Science Project rather than an emotional rollercoaster. 

 

I figured that my TDEE is about 2000 calories per day so I will eat a 420 calorie deficit daily to equal about 2940 cal deficit for the week = .8 pound loss per week considering that 3500 calories is about pound.

 

I am weighing myself once a week. I have projected loss line on my graph and an actual data line on the graph. It's cool. Okay, I have to get to work.

[Allie_the_Oracle]

I had a three day RAGE QUIT!!!!!

 

Crazy.

 

Respawn. -- So much for the Science Project versus Emotional Rollercoaster! Too funny.

 

There are so many different methods for finding TDEE and Macro breakdowns. All the options were tempting me to change what I was doing just so I could eat more. This girl was hangry! Anyways, I got it all figured out yesterday and I think I am at a good spot, caloriewise, so I don't have a freak out.

[Allie_the_Oracle]

I had to put the three day RAGE QUIT behind me and return to the graph and spot on tracking. It really is the only way to determine of the calories level I am eating at is a maintenance level or slight deficit. I did great all week, no major fuck ups. After last week's slip up I decided to redo the calculations and put to get a new graph and goal. I increased my calories so I would not be in such a deficit. I am hoping that this will better control my hunger this binge. I am eating at maintenance one day a week. Making these adjustments have changed the time line for the 10 pound loss but it's fine. New goal: 125 pounds at 18% BF by Dec 31.

 

Yoga increased, meditation added, designing an awesome vision board. Things are going well.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Down to 132, 23.5% BF from 25% last month and 136 starting last month's graph efforts. I'm digging my new groove! Today I pumped out P90X3. Then rested, ate and worked. Went to the gym, did shoulders. Pretty great day. Ate out at a Mexican Restaurant, had to guesstimate a little but I feel I did good.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Yesterday I was pouting for a minute. I felt I wasn't seeing progress but I know really I am making gains. I must have been looking for a reason to throw in the towel. I'm keep on this journey, it's been good for me.

 

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[Sloth the Enduring]

Dang. Nice bicep.

[Allie_the_Oracle]

The week has been good. I have been feeling fine. I guess I don't have too much...or anything to report. I'm still plugging along. Big change is made through little steps so I'm just marching along.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Welp, I have been doing my thing, just the same as usual. Eating spot on for four or five day then bingeing basically. I went down to 130 while i was being spot on like a science project. But shit happens, life happens. I eat one meal that was off and it would send me over the edge for a day or two. I had lost several points in my body fat but about a week or week and a half ago I went off the deep end and haven't been able to recover. Since I was eating according to macros, I was eating a lot of junk. I needed to get crazy so I could see what was going on. Back when I was eating vegan I did really well for the most part, eating healthy choices. Today at work I spent sometime figuring out what I'm going to do. I set up a day of eating that is right on my macros and it is high volume. I am going to go at that for a week and see how I feel.

 

I feel like shit today. My fingers have been swollen due to my diet. I hope I feel better after a week of healthy eating.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

So far so good. I did like four days, yesterday I a freeish day since I cooked out for father's day but otherwise I have been doing good.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

My Ragnar is getting close. I think in Sept /Oct. I have not been running. I am only planning on adding in one day a week of running this month. All these summer holidays and drinking weather is too tempting to stick to a consistent calorie level. I have been going over consistently for a couple weeks. My progress has turned to regression temporarily. My muscle gain is good. Every time I go over on my calories I just pretend I am bulking to make myself feel better.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Oh boy I need to get an attitude adjustment. I have been really confusing my body. I want to do better.

 

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Well it is 10/02/2017 - I am still reflecting about my last post regarding an attitude adjustment. At the present time I am feeling a bit lost. I was making great progress and seemed to be dedicated or had created a habit of good health and high activity. Over the last several months I have been so confused, disorganized and inconsistent. When I was eating the Eat to Live I was pretty much mindful of the nutrients I was taking in however when I switched to IIFYM I started incorporating so much food that I knew was not particularly healthy, I lost my way and all self control to the sugar and fats. I really went ape shit with my diet. 

 

Weight timeline: High  Low

2014                    137     128

2015                    138     125

2016                    135     125

2017                    141     131

 

I am at 141, I have not been in the 140's since 2013. I am sad and disappointed. I do not know why I am sabotaging myself. I know that I have put on muscle and that the scale is not the end all be all of gauging progress however I know ----- I have been eating, like binging, on junk. Each time I do I say that I will not do it tomorrow but the next day the same thing happens. 

[Allie_the_Oracle]

Over the last few years of efforts towards getting my eating to a healthy routine to fuel my body it has become quite the obsession. I have come to the conclusion that I have some unhealthy behaviors regarding this journey that need to be addressed. I went from being a plant based advocate to eating junk food like crazy. I am making efforts in resolving this junk food addiction. I went back to reading Eat to Live from Dr. Fuhrman.  I did started eating his way three days ago and did not adhere perfectly none of the days but I did pretty darn good. Yesterday at D&D I ate two Subway cookies which I did not intend to do but the rest of the day was good. I don't want to feel guilt when I miss up. I have a Food Addiction book that I have also been reading. I know that I could compare myself with others that have greater struggles and make myself feel less of an issue; but my issue is my own and it's difficult for me and I need to handle it. 

Today is going to be my day 1 of abstaining from junk food. My Plan of Eating is going to be whole foods; as close to Dr. Fuhrman's recommendations as I can and abstaining from junk food which includes high sugar / high fat and processed crap. I will admit that I cannot control this struggle and I need help. I know that my path in this world is desitin for all good so I need to find my flow and trust that I will be more than fine.

[Allie_the_Oracle]

 

I woke up this morning and peeled away my cocoon

I glanced in the mirror to realize I was the same buffoon

 

I wish I was a butterfly so I could fly away

and see all the things I'd like to see on the average day

 

My expectations are high but my motivation is low

I dream of what I want to be but then I put it on hold

 

I wish I was a butterfly so I could fly away

and see all the things I'd like to see on the average day

[Sloth the Enduring]

I missed your last updates. I'm sorry you're struggling. Food seems to be everyone's nemesis here.

Did you do the Ragnar?

[Allie_the_Oracle]

I missed your last updates. I'm sorry you're struggling. Food seems to be everyone's nemesis here.

Did you do the Ragnar?

Everyday I try not to eat junk food, it only works about 50% of the time!! It's really irritating:)

Anyway, I did do Michigan Ragnar and it was amazing.

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Blah has crept in and I can't seem to shake it. I quit the gym. I went from going five days a week to just quitting. I was mad. I am still mad. I am pissed at myself and I continue to sabotage any bit of progress I make. I don't want the progress /regress cycle. I'm tired of it. My goal was to get to 18% BF. The lowest I got was 22 and I would fuck it up with a binge that would not last a meal but many days.

I am mad. I am disappointed and I need to get my act together. My head is in a bad place and I need to fix it. I have come up with a few new goals which are basically old goals that I still have not accomplished. My why is my struggle right now. I feel like I don't have a why. My head doesn't care right now and I know it's not good for me to be in this spot.

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

I have an appointment to tour a new gym today. I have also selected to go from the Shire to Mordor, like 1770 miles as a goal for the year. I will track it with my Garmin and the Garmin website. I have to make effort here or this funk will win. I have a nice life and I need to show a little bloody gratitude rather than a shit attitude.

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

11-25-17

After touring two gyms I want back to Anytime Fitness, my cousin owns it and he gave me a complementary membership. I am happy, that is the gym I had been going to for years so I am comfortable there.

I have done 5 miles two days in a row towards my Mordor trip. I have my Garmin all set up for the goal.

Life got pretty intense there for a bit but things are moving in a better direction. Two days ago my husband and I had an awful fight. I lost my shit and was mean. He wasn't going to forgive me when I tried to apologize until I explained how depressed I have been. He and I were able to make up and things have been much better. I am trying to be more positive. I know that my hormones have been fuct since I start on birth control. It is the reason for the depression. I stopped taking it so now I just have to wait for everything to even back out.

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

Just moving along, everything is going about the same. Nothing catastrophic to report but no significant progress or changes either. I lifted on Saturday, felt great. Chest and legs are a bit sore. I used my Thinner, Leaner, Stronger program. I really do enjoy those splits so I'll probably use those going forward. I am curious about the Walking to Mordor challenge, I am not sure that I can honestly commit to 5 miles per day. I know that my body /health benefits from cardio but lifting produces visual results for the time committed. I have to chew on that for a bit.

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[Allie_the_Oracle]

January 1 2018

 

2017 seemed to be a very short year but considering that it consisted of 365 days like every other year in the past, I am not sure why. This year was full of ups and downs. I was in the best shape of my adult life for a few months and then I returned to a previous physical state pretty quickly. I ran a bit but not as much as I have in the past several years. I really learned to love weight lifting and gained confidence and strength.  This year we went to Disney World and had a wonderful vacation. We visited/camped/hiked Shenandoah National Park and had an amazing vacation to Washington DC. Toured the Capitol Building, met our Senators, observed a debate in the Senate, General Surgeon of the USA, rode a segway, visited the Smithsonians.

This year I ran the Ragnar Michigan, running a 9 minute mile for over 9 miles with the highest incline gain of the whole race (with very little to no training prior to the race). I have played so much Dungeons and Dragons this year, it's been like a part time job!!! We went to Game Hole Con in Madison for a vacation. Enjoyed lots of Adventure League. Met Ed Greenwood. Met and played Dungeon! with Dave Megarry. Listened to a ton of podcasts. Joined a Tarot Group for monthly meetings and really started learning and being confident in Tarot. Took guitar lessons, learned many chords. I finished the scarf I have been working on for a few years and gave it to my sister in law as a gift. I worked on genealogy and finished my family tree, getting all the way back to the 1500's. I made it through Christmas without charging anything to the credit cards. I worked a full time career as a Case Manager and did great at it, which I plan on continuing. I became an owner of my company! I really truly have so much to be thankful for. 

 

This coming year I have developed several goals that I feel passionate about. I did decide to forgo the Shire to Mordor goal, I could not commit to 5+ miles a day that was needed to reach that goal in one year. I will do another half marathon, visit/camp/hike a National Park probably Mammoth Cave and The Great Smoky Mountains. I am set to play off the credit cards this year and I have a savings goal that will move me closer to getting the basement finished. In addition to the goals I have set, I have a couple many goals -- meditate more in order to improve my attention span, paint a picture of Gandalf walking up to Bag End, continue my workout routine and drop about ten pounds.

 

I know I can gently master my year and accomplish these things!!

[Sloth the Enduring]

That is a great year. It sounds like 2018 will be too.