Lie to me Deadpool

[AddisonNemeth]

Im in the middle of reading the deadpool article. I am a huge deadpool fan and have been for years.I have also recently been watching a lot of the amazing show Lie to me. And a thought struck me. it is time. time to show the whole messy truth in the most honest daily battle log to date. so here it is y'all. my last and final fight to loose weight and live a better life. this time im gonna make it god dammit!

 

So this is me, going into this not as myself but the Deadpool version of me in all it's messy, brutally honest and inappropriate R rated glory. 

 

 

Im 26 years old. i have been fat since I can remember. my father and other family members were always commenting on my weight and telling me how i will never be anything else then a fat looser. I was always bullied at school because of my weight. at the age of 18 i reached my ideal weight  -144 pounds. due to the fact that my father still called me a fat looser I believed him. decided that if im still not skinny enough i might as well eat something and be happy. and thats how i reached to be 220 pounds at my heaviest. i have been on diets and trying to loose weight for probably the last 13 years of my life? something about that. after my best shape 8 years ago i have been gaining and loosing weight (majority gaining) but my lightest in those 8 years was 194 pounds. right now as im writing this i am 203 pounds. i want to be 144 again pr at least 160. im so fed up with trying and failing. you know how many fucking threads and challenges i tried on this website? like 20 or sth. and im still fucking fat! this sucks. 

 

but this time will be different. cause y'all are gonna see all of it. every good bad and ugly moment of it. this is going to be radical honesty with Deadpool and you better hold onto your chimichangas, I am warning you now people, if you want a nice happy weightloss journey from an inspirational person you have come to the wrong place. this is just going to be the day to day struggles of an overly sarcastic and bitter fat girl. who is so desperate and so tired she will do anything to fucking succeed. 

 

so those of you who decide to wanna witness this and help hit me up. i will answer every question and take on board every comment. 

 

Peace

 

A/D

[Scooby Chick]

I love your honesty. And ya know what? Nothing get's accomplished until you're honest with yourself-- don't I know that well. 

You got this. 

[AddisonNemeth]

thank you for the comment Scooby Chick. I appreciate it more than you can imagine. and I will continue with my honesty so lets state some facts...

 

fact - you said I got this and I dont believe that, due to my extreme lack of self confidence. My real life super power is actually possessing negative self confidence and self belief. like -1000 self confidence. I still believe in what my asshole father said that I will be a fat looser for the rest of my life. 

 

fact - my healthy eating went so damn well yesterday... I had ice cream and an entire pizza in one sitting. and I finished it off with some beer and a bottle of whisky

 

fact - its 8 am im about to go to work, tired, hangover and I dont have much prospects for eating decent food today ether as my fridge consists of cheese. bread, condiments and alcohol. 

 

fact - my quitting smoking is also going splendid as fuck. instead of not having any cigarettes I bought a pack and smoked half of it by myself only last night. 

 

however...

 

fact - i really do want to make this work. i really am sick of feeling like this and looking like this. 

 

but...

 

fact - i dont know how to do this. I tried several times to go the way of ''small changes'' and ''one thing at a time'' and ''build your good habits'' and that was not something working for me at all. not that the system of it wasnt successful...i was not successful at following that system. I have too short of an attention span. I need to feel like im doing things and see results instantly. 

 

so im gonna eat my tost and go to work where i probably will end up buying some carb loaded lunch only to come home too exhausted to shop, or cook and order another take away which once again will make me feel like a sad fat looser. 

 

welcome to the magical wheel of doomed decisions that lead to more doomed decisions, and even lower self belief. any ideas on how to break that cycle are welcome.

 

A/D

 

ps told you this is gonna be fucking ugly...

[AddisonNemeth]

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls and all other gender identities.. Welcome to the amazing world of the future telling, gods gift to earth which is Addison Wade Nemeth. 

 

As I have predicted yesterday morning. my food intake for the day was terrible. nothing to be proud of and the fact I had a very shitty day at work is not an excuse. 

 

my prediction for today? slightly better. I do want to cook something decent for dinner. something actually healthy. but I also know I might get more bad news at work which means emotional eating of crap food. 

 

What I need to do is find me some consistent food plan and food ideas that will be there for me no matter the mood. 

 

As the Captain America of this website says (Steve duh) ''you cant outrun your fork'' 

 

I say ''Cap, I might be impatient and voices in my head might not agree but you have proven to be a superhero worthy following and im gonna give it a shot.'' 

 

will update y'all with some ideas later. 

 

A/D

[Miw_Sher]

How about joining the challenges? Have you tried that in the past? Does that work?

[Scooby Chick]

Try this- set the timer on your phone (silent vibrate) or on any wearable you may have if have. Set that timer to buzz every hour or so. You want success, right? Well, maybe the best you can have immediately is after that vibrant vibrate asses your hour- did you do something good for yourself? Not smoking in that hour is considered good. I bet you'll have more luck with building some confidence if you start this way.

The thing about succeeding is, and you know this, you have to stop yourself from sabatoging yourself. And if you need to count by the hour for now, then that's what your gonna have to do. It's one way to see the good you can do and the power you have in you. Yea, it's a bitch to have to struggle out of where you are, but you're into honesty, so I'll be brutally so. You gotta really want it, like really bad, to improve yourself and quell his voice. I have a father voice like that too and it's taken me a long time to get to this point and it was damn hard. And I screw up all the time and let him win. But this is your life. Lead it on your terms and kick his keister to the curb slowly. He's not welcome in your head.

Maybe try a little self talk too. For you're not sure what that entails lemme know. It tends to work for me. And yes, I'll say it again.

YOU. GOT. THIS

Sent whilst slaying demons and such so please excuse mistakes.....[emoji6]

[AddisonNemeth]

so this is one of the main problems I have. actually keeping myself accountable and motivated to post in here on regular basis and not abandon all my plans and goals. as I Have told you all about my short attention span

 

so lets get down to bussiness. yes I have tried challanges, no they also not worked. nothing so far did. 

 

Scooby Chick that one hour thing makes sense. im gonna try it

 

last week was rather pathetic and this week i started strong

 

decent food, reasonable portions, protein rather than carbs. no cigarettes. and then the evening came about and i fell asleep on my couch. woke up hungry as fuck and before i knew it i consumed 2 tortillas with mustard and a chocholate plum thingy.

 

but today im trying again and i will make it happen. 

 

i do appreciate all the support and please share all the ideas or tips you might have

 

A/D

[Scooby Chick]

My friend, 2 tortillas are better than 2 pints of ice cream, and at least the thingy had a fruit good for digestion, right? 

 

Seriously, you're awesome. Small victories, hell, miniscule victories. I'm super excited you have a good attitude and don't let the shite get you down. Right there you've smote the demon, at least for the present time. 

 

Hour by hour. You got this. 

[congie]

Found your Battle Log right above mine and hey, ScoobyChick is on here too!  Life is messy, and so is your Battle Log and that's good.  Because if you are using willpower and energy in putting out the "right" image then you won't have enough to make the hour by hour decisions.  Willpower is limited, use it for what matters.  Then give yourself grace when you think you are not good enough, because where you are right now is better than where you were yesterday even if it's just because you are more self-aware. And purging those voices out of your head and heart will give you more mental and emotional space to do what you really want to do.

 

Good luck!

[AddisonNemeth]

damn my entries here are getting boring as fuck. but then all the time I have to post is 15 mins in the morning as I'm having coffee so..

anyway, not sure how well y'all know Deadpool but he has voices in his head. A sensible one and a crazy one. well behold as it seems I have the same. and we are not talking here about my fathers voice telling me im a looser cause fuck that shit. im over that bastard. yesterday was particularly interesting when it comes to voices. from the very morning the voice of a hungry ''no consequences to what I put in my mouth'' deadpool was telling me to eat everything. sweet, savoury you name it. because in my head I was feeling guilty I almost didnt notice that till I got home I actually did it well. no processed carbs or candy. was really craving something sweet so I got myself a protein bar. and then the evening came... once again. and my voice of reason which kept me semi in check decided ''well I worked hard enough, time to go to sleep'' and then the crazy voice was like ''hell yeah! party!!! we are having pizza bitches'' and then pizza happened. but then ok riddle me this. 

I live with my girlfriend and 2 kids. they eat crap food quite often and i am here to see it. they are not willing to stop just so i dont have cravings which really is fair enough. not their fault im fat and cant control myself. but what can I do to make it easier? what can I do to not be falling with all the bad food around me?

 

I will make a better more proper post over the weekend. 

 

AD

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

Hey!  I just found your battle log.  Getting started is tough, but you're done that already.  It's the keeping going that is hard.

 

I guess I'll tell you what I've used to keep going or to try to get going again when I wander off to the land of pizza and chocolate.  First, fake it til you make it is a handy tool.  And mix that with Scooby Chick's advice for self talk.  I'm constantly working to change my eating habits and to do that I had to start by lying to myself that where I was was already where I wanted to be.  So I told myself "I don't eat bread" and stop myself from grabbing a bagel or pizza. "I don't want chocolate" helped me stop eating a piece after lunch every day at work.  "I love __(insert fitness activity here)__"  and then I found out I really do enjoy running even if I suck at it, and lifting heavy things makes me feel amazing.  I don't even have bagels in the house anymore.  

 

Pizza is a beast that I have to fight any time Mike orders it, but when I keep the house stocked with easy to heat and eat good healthy foods, he orders pizza a ton less often.  That means I have to do more cooking to keep the house so full of healthier things that he doesn't have room for junk or reason to spend money on it, but it works for us.  I'm lucky in that Mike does not shop or cook, so I have that control in our home. But maybe you could at least have a good supply stocked up so you have that option when you want snacks.  Or if you cook, maybe you could make a big pot or pan of something for everyone to share.  If they like it, you can cook more healthy dishes.  If they don't like it, you've got healthy leftovers.

 

Also, anything that gets you moving needs to be counted as a workout.  Do you have pets?  Take the dog for a walk.  Or just walk around the neighborhood or a park nearby on a nice day.  Any gaming systems in the house?  Sometimes jumping around the living room like an idiot flailing my arms around to Just Dance can help get me out of a bad mood and moving around.  

 

And screw everyone else.  They don't know what you're going through or what you have going on.  Spend as much time as possible with the good people and as little as possible with the ones that bring you down.  And if you're stuck around someone, say at work or in line somewhere, do your best to block them out.  Like elevator music in the grocery store.  Just put your own music in your head and carry on.  Just keep telling yourself you can make it through the next 20 seconds at a time if you need to do it that way.  Then make it through that 20 seconds.  And the next.  And that first 20 seconds will be gone before you know it.  Or 10 seconds if you're Kimmy Schmidt.

 

 

Oh!  And don't forget to ask NF for help.  Or just rant to us.  And definitely share anything exciting or new.  This place is good for everything.  We're like the swiss army knife for nerds.

[AddisonNemeth]

its the weekend!!! well actually the weekend is ending but who gives a fuck. it was fun. today my family is here. and I mean my gf, my children and in laws. chocolate and coke is flowing and they are all ordering pizza. today I had good day eating so far and fruit instead of sweets and im not gonna fuck it up with pizza. I will have some curry tho. I realised a very weird truth the other day... what I eat is 100% in my power and control. like its my hand that puts it in my mouth. i'm not a baby nor a senile person and i feed myself. all I have to do is just eat stuff thats good for me and not anything else. This answer is so simple its almost painful. 

 

 

 

ok people so now that I decided to only eat the things I am suppose to eat. I need to do something about exercising. I do have dogs (to answer your question QuietRiotGrrrl) however they are puppies and in heat so I cant take them out for another 3 weeks. I walk to work every day tho and i can easily implement stairs instead of elevators rule. to make it more fun. pizza for my family just came. my food is not here yet. bitches be hungry and craving hot cheese but not gonna have any. If you seen the Deadpool movie I am now in the stage of Wade Wilson being treated to many dangerous tortures and poisons to trigger his mutation into Deadpool. I am going to now go through a long and painful period of my own tortures and mutations. having  to exercise when I suck at it and everything hurts. having to eat vegetables when I could be eating pizza. but I have to do it. Just like Wade had to. to have a shot at being healthy and happy. but I need your help to do it. 

 

I have already tried starting with running (that didnt work) and starting with lifting weights (bit better but still a fail). Im rather if not very overweight and lots of exercises are challenging. I also have little time outside of work. but in the morning when I'm having my coffee and Jeremy Kyle, I could do some Yoga. that would be perfect in front of tv exercise. it would slowly get me used to moving, it would make my body prepared for further exercise later on. 

 

so any of you have any good (free) resources and tips on where to start then let me know. 

 

A/D 

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

Puppies!  Once its less dangerous, maybe they can help you out with some walking times then   

 

Sounds like you had a helpful realization moment!  Congrats.  That's always a good feeling.  How did the pizza battle go?

 

Have you ever tried rollerskating?  I used to love that when I was a kid.  I think if you find something that can be fun for you to do, it won't be as hard to get out there and do it when its time.  Who knows, you might find out you're a kick ass derby girl.  

 

Do you own a sledge hammer?  I know a few people have been playing around with hammer workouts at home.  You could become a Thor in training.  Might be more fun way to get some strength training in for you.

 

 

As for yoga, I do NF yoga right now but that's a payer.  However, I have heard nothing but good things about Yoga with Adriene on youtube.  From several people who know nothing about each other.  So that one could be good to try out.

[Scooby Chick]

Holy Crow woman-- I turn my back and you've begun to conquer the world! Go back and read your entries-- look at all the amazing things you've accomplished in such a short time-- the key one being AWARENESS. Chickie, that's half the battle. You sound strong, pumped, and full of life. Seriously-- stop that crazy talk in your head I KNOW is in there right now. I am super proud of you. 

 

PS-- and even if you screw it up-- I'm still gonna be super proud of you. So there. 

[AddisonNemeth]

yo yo yo its your boy Deadpool (girl, whatever). yesterday was a good day. all I ate were 2 protein bars, glass of milk, some plain air popped popcorn and some ribs with sweet potato fries. today Im gonna try to also have good food but the fact of the matter is that holy shit I am craving ''real food'' and by real I mean the most processed and unhealthy. my body is screaming for sth I can sink my teeth in like a big steaming bowl of pasta or a blt sandwich... I dont even want to start on pizza. See this is the thing... I could care fucking less about chocolate and cookies but give me some chips and carbs and all thats savoury and I will sell my soul for them. anyone got any ideas on what I can have instead? 

in other news. 

 

thank you for all your support especially Scooby Chick and QuietRiotGrrrl, you guys have the best advice and I really appreciate it. 

 

A/D

[AddisonNemeth]

that post up there right above... I actually wrote it yesterday morning. just seems as tho I forgot to click post. I am so talented. 

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

Ack, I have a chips obsession too!  I started getting away from that by figuring out what my favorite thing was about chips. Besides all that salty usually fake cheese flavored goodness, its the  crunching that does it for me.  I went the route of carrots for my crunching needs at first, then started exploring other options.  There are lots of make your own veggie chip recipes out there you can try.  Bake some kale chips, or make your own baked sweet potato chips.  At least that way you control the ingredients and salt levels.  If you don't feel like baking, I've found Sahara Mart or Whole Foods or other stores like them have some freeze dried salted green beans and other veggies you can buy, usually in the bulk section.  Less control on the ingredients but also less work to make them before you can start crunching.

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

Also, you are doing awesome.  Keep it up.

 

[Scooby Chick]

I once heard that the cravings for those things are your body whining for the bad stuff you're taking away from it. Kinda like when I ween off caffeine and I get a mad headache for a few days then it's all good. Don't give in to the cravings even a little if you can help it, and see if they diminish in a few days. If not... I got nothin' here. Feed them itty bits here and there? Yea, I stink at that too. 

[AddisonNemeth]

yo yo yo

 

lets bring it down to honesty a bit...

 

its been a while since I posted for several reasons:

- I am terrible at keeping myself motivated to post.

- even tho I tried I dont think I did well enough this past week and that makes me feel like a failure and ashamed which means its easier to not post at all then post and say I fucked up.

- I had a busy week at work but lets face it. that is just an excuse. 

 

Now Its hard for me to go into details but I had some take aways and other unhealthy food since my last post. but I also had healthy food like breakfasts consisting of porridge and protein shakes. my exercising is not going great but I try to take the stairs as much as I can. 

 

at this point idk what to do. idk if im making any progress or not as its too early to say and I am at a point at which normally I would give up. I don want to do it, I dont want to quit but its hard. 

 

we will see how it goes. 

 

this was depressing as fuck

 

A/D

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

Any change is a good thing!  Don't worry about doing it all at once.  If you even just change one meal a day into something good, that's progress.  Maybe you could just focus on having good breakfast every day, and make it the most delicious healthy breakfast you can.  I really like me some bacon and eggs.  Or chorizo and eggs.  Sometimes broccoli and eggs.  Not that I've got stock in an egg company somewhere.  Throw yourself into doing what you're doing the best you can and then later you can figure out the other meals.  Or maybe once you've crushed breakfast you could go after snacks.  Just pick one boss to battle at a time.

 

It is not easy to completely change everything all at once like that.  Don't beat yourself up for a bad day or a bad week either.  Just keep going doing the best you can and try to do it better each time.

[AddisonNemeth]

hello fellow nerds

its your friendly neighbourhood Deadpool with your daily dose of sarcasm and  self loathing...

 

actually im gonna be nice to myself for a change, or at least try to be nice. 

 

I have not given up yet. its been hard but I have been pushing and trying to make at least part of my meals healthy. the past 2 days were my weekend and I had a bit of interim fasting (or whatever its called. I legit cant be asked to even google how to properly spell that) which means I had no food till 2-3 pm on both days. and then I had protein porrige. which is a good thing, a good choice. 

 

yes there is ton of things I did wrong this last week. 

 

but

 

1 I am still here (aka posting even tho rarely)

2 I have not given up even tho normally at this point I already would have reverted to just eating all the bad things, all the time for the next 3 days to ''try again on monday'' and fail again.

3 every day I am trying to push for being healthier and eating better even if its just refusing one chocolate or one piece of pizza. 

 

 

and the truth is all of that is only due to the support y'all are giving me

 

so thank you. 

 

A/D

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

Hey!  How are things going?