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analoggirl

Digital Battle Log

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Love it!

 

Not having snacks at home helps me not snacking, though I like to have a few healthy ones once in a while not to miss it too much (they're usually worth a whole meal on the first day I buy them because I'm so eager to eat them all). Also, having 3-4 standard recipes and adding 1-2 more special ones depending on what strikes my fancy when I go groceries shopping is what I'm doing too. It's not working too bad so far (having simple meals to cook helps me to start cooking, also, yup, a big sharp cooking knife has helped me a lot with it too, so does playing with spices and herbs, this is a fun part making me feel like an alchemist).

 

Winter staples are soup (chickpeas, lentils, veggies, potatoes, cheese, herbs and some home made croutons), stew and cantonese rice.

 

I'm looking forward to see how this challenge goes, you've got me hooked, here.

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On 12/31/2018 at 1:58 PM, Jean said:

 

 

Winter staples are soup (chickpeas, lentils, veggies, potatoes, cheese, herbs and some home made croutons), stew and cantonese rice.

I was also eyeing the soup options. Free hydration, also I really like soups. Maybe as a challenge to learn how to make the kind of French onion soup with lots and lots of cheese that my favourite place makes. Maybe not so healthy but I'll feel like I'm spoiling myself and be less inclined to want to eat chocolate, and that's my real Achilles' heel really. For now, until another one pops up when I conquer it, I guess.

 

On 12/31/2018 at 1:58 PM, Jean said:

Love it!

 

...

 

I'm looking forward to see how this challenge goes, you've got me hooked, here.

Glad to hear! 

Fair warning, I'm pretty good at making (realistic) plans, not so good at executing.

 

I decided to see how I like playing Assassin with my challenge: 

 

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Sidenote: last year I started reading and implementing GTD methods.

 

I was just going to exclaim how I do not get how ANYONE spends less than an hour on weekly review a la gtd. but then I have to keep reminding myself that I *still* am in the process of setting it up. Which is probably why the book advises to take everything and turn it upside down in one or two days but I do not have the concentration span for that right now, on my lonesome :p 

 

im having fun going with it... it gives me a more refined system of reviewing stuff. 

 

also, I spent at least 30 mins planning a fun thing with a friend and then some browsing NF challenges so there you go.

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Getting ready for the challenge (test):

 

Meal prep: indeed I cut the veggies&it was great. Did not pre log on mfp.

Meal plan: have some meal ideas that I saved in a file but no. mainly eating and then logging. Kept it alright, one or two days I ate a lot of chocolate.

Log mfp: all 7 days about. Starting to realllyyyy want to add more vegetables everywhere because it is great eating a bunch of them and only seeing like 60 calories plus :p (Baked or fresh. I'm not going to worry about the nutrients lost in the cooking process, that's a long term goal.)

Meditate: 3 out of 6 (not 7 because usually one day of the week is irregular, usually with fun things)

Log financial stuff: yes! Admittedy very little because I was mostly home and am putting on a tighter lid on my spending this month. 

> After updating my logs for the last half of the year I was sort of disappointed. 

>Bright side: It was nice not having to fix much at the end of the week.

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So, again, I know I am not really keeping up with the challenge per se and not logging. They often turn out to be just monthly resolutions rather than goals, admittedly... but it really helps with not letting me spiral out of managable levels of (mental) health. It is not anything as bad as others, but it is relative. 

 

So, there is a female body topic that I want to address here on my battle log.

 

 I started using a method of anti-conception about 4 years ago. All went pretty well. I noticed some minor symptoms but nothing my body has never done before anyway so I gave the method the benefit of the doubt.

 

Every SO often though, I feel my belly swells like I am a little pregnant haha. And since I gained that stubborn weight about a year ago (about 10 lbs) it is more prominent.

 

Yesterday I had relaxed my muscles and my mother asked if something was going on hahaha. Oh dear. And I am constantly on my toes anyway because both of her pregnancies happened even though she bled.

 

Granted I am much more "careful" than her because I KNOW I am not mature enough yet for a child. I want to gain a little bit more life experience. Finish my studies. That kind of thing.

 

But there is always this 1% chance of course and if it is "written" it will happen as they say.

 

I mean. There is a part of me that does not want to expose another being to this whole Life experience. If it is anything like me it will wonder quite often why I do not just get hit by something :D and I say this in the lightest way possible. I am not suicidal, thankfully, and "this world will not get rid of me that easily" but sometimes man. 

 

It is a pain in the derriere to have to fight with myself everyday. But who knows, if a kid happens. It might be a little thunder and show ME something that Ive been missing.

 

anyway, back to my point. I feel like my body has been affected by the anti conception. I delibaretely chose it bc of its minimal hormonal secretion but maybe it has built up.

 

Im going to go to the GP soonish and check it out...

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Hmm, it has been 3 months since I posted my 6 months challenges. After my deadlines I should re-evaluate.

I can already say I am kind of confused about my weight goal. I lost a kilogram in january and then gained 2. It is probably the increased stress but life is full of it... There has to be a way to stay consistent and healthy despite it.

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A month later. I decided not to participate this challenge because I need some relaxation from goal setting. That is my prescription anyhow :p

 

The reflection & new goal setting will come but I need to be in the right mind set. Currently waiting for my last grade which will determine quite a bit for my plan the coming month.... (i.e. will I be revising on top of everything else or not.) so I feel like simply focusing on the now (readings, helping a friend with her course work, trying to get to working on my thesis...)

 

also decided to do something I have always been against... a diet! Gasp. But its basically fruit, veggies and the occasional protein and it tells me what to do. Minimal prep work. Two weeks. Not a cheat day, but a cheat evening on the seventh day. 

 

just leaves me to battle my sugar cravings. As suspected focusing on salty snacks helped these weeks... my achilles heel is chocolate and ice cream. recently meringues have been added to the list. Cookies depend.

 

I have been eating one-two bowls of chips a day these past weeks. Not all days but enough. So by substituting it seeks that I kicked the habit of eating chocolate every day, multiple times a day. Not a whole bar but again, enough.

 

I hate the feeling of feeling dependant on any "substance" or feeling. It is why I have not allowed myself to smoke even though I love the taste and feeling. Addictive gene runs in the family. Also wanted my baby sis to have an example (the rest of the fam does smoke) if she wants to not smoke.

 

It is easier when you do not get left alone every so many hours during family gatherings... I just went along when I was younger. Luckily it is more common for people my age in my surroundigs not to smoke. It is just so damned expensive. And I like my teeth the light yellow they are, not darker :p Anyway!

 

 I am pretty sure the stress since the end of 2017 has me holding on to my reserves.

 

I just want to get my system working on more vegetables than ever before. Do some plumbing :D. That is how it feels.

 

Means I need to do some yoga and stuff as well. Also want to continue my running on wednesday. 

 

Battling my cravings with minimeditations seems to help. I feel a little light in the head (it is day 2) but that could also be me recovering from a cold.

 

So that is that. :)

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2 hours ago, analoggirl said:

A month later. I decided not to participate this challenge because I need some relaxation from goal setting. That is my prescription anyhow :p

 

Standing in full support of that. There's progress by goal setting and following, progress by habits without actively thinking about it and progress by letting our mind rest and replenish itself. Not skipping the later when the time comes for it is a great way to stay healthy, happy and ready to go. :)

 

 

2 hours ago, analoggirl said:

just leaves me to battle my sugar cravings.

 

Battling can be exhausting too, that's where habits come in handy. Do you miss sugar when there's none around but nuts and cheese handy? How are your eating habits (eating enough at meals or fast-cooking not eating diversified and filling enough)? I've found that drinking water helps with my other cravings. Quite often, it's more about performing some action that has a "relax, everything's fine, just cool down and enjoy" ring attached to it. Bottled tap water can have this effect for me (it used to be mainly coffee, I've replaced it - Thanks Steve! - and luckily enough, the water has kept this feeling going).

 

2 hours ago, analoggirl said:

 I am pretty sure the stress since the end of 2017 has me holding on to my reserves.

 

You seem to be still living under some ongoing stress level. More than two years of it is tough to bear. Try to be kind with yourself and set your goals in accordance (meaning, relaxing and not thinking too much about "have to"s and "should"s is also a win).

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Just a quick note: it is mainly the intensified study and travel load I have put on myself, next to worries about (regular, not out of the ordinary serious) family worries. Also I failed to be there for an old friend during a very difficult time for her due to all my busy-ness, which led me to almost feeling an existential crisis. :p 

 

Seriously though, it took me/takes time to get used to asking (much) more of yourself than you used to. Lots of doubts. Tearing down old beliefs. Learning how to compartementilise (still working on that one...)

 

Sometimes that means being a douche... It is inexcusable that I was one, and I will take that to be a lesson... Not sure my friendship survived though. The bitterness of the way she disappointed me stll lingers and I just keep distrusting her. 

 

Rant about said distrust in spoiler. I know you did not ask, just felt the need to reflect. Skip if no interest in drama :) 

 

Spoiler

 

Also I hate having to fish for someone's true thoughts and feelings about me. Just tell me straight forward! I will play theatre for a living in the future, you know, politeness is needed for smooth business relations.

 

As long as my acquiantences think I am competent, I do not need them to like like me.

 

But with friends (and family) I need to hear it if I have offended you. Not have her burst out at me at random moments for unrelated things and I have to dig up what the hell I did! Or be silent or walk on egg shells! Oomf. 

 

I get extra direct and blunt when someone keeps beating around the bush and saying she's fine when she is not. 

 

So that is why I think we will grow apart. Despite everything. We will see of course.

 

I mean, I have convinced and "retrained" someone else before to be direct with me. But given the fact her family is always " hush hush and never speak about your true feelings" I doubt it.

 

People in such surroundings are always afraid their thoughts and feelings will be used against them.

 

And it sucks. I really want to be her "safe space".

 

But it really, truly, messes with my brain when I lay in bed for hours trying to figure out what someone close to me might be keeping from me. Is it me? Did I say something? Did something bad happen? What?! 

 

(And then there were also some other things got offended about, was direct about, and then got some hurtful, defensive reactions filled with bottled up irritations that she did not share with me before that. A nice, little, champagne bottle of cropped up resentment. Loved it.)

 

I am definitely far from perfect. If I did not push myself to 'move forward', I would lay in bed and loathe myself. Just... have to take care of my sanity by surrounding myself with direct, growth-minded people.

 

I am sorry I am so self-centered.

 

In all honesty, I do actually think I have some "self-absorbed" streaks, but they are hidden and intertwined with other "parts of me" & also I like letting others shine, so I will work on those "as I go"... 

 

And I do (mostly) know how to separate what is taking (rightful) pride in your work & what is ego and arrogance. So it's not too bad. I think. And I am self-aware about it, at the age of almost 25. ALWAYS better late than never, but allll these years to work on that. So we'll work on that! 

 

 

I feel like this second year of varying study loads and pushing myself I took with much more grace/flexibility. Stopped obsessing over details and went for the results. Feels good. But, of course, deadlines and the balancing act just give you stress, so of course weight loss is more difficult. And every so often there are increased snacking moments. And I could not bother with tracking stuff.

 

Will reply to the rest tomorrow. Thank you for the tips!

 

Oh yeah!

I have completed my personal "3 day" challenge to follow the diet. I forgot to mention that my personal (undocumented, no pressure) goal was 3 days. I did have about one small scoop of ice cream, yesterday and today. First because my sis could not finish hers before it (an incredibly expensive 3 scoops of ice cream) would melt.  Today because she INSISTED ON me having some, and me (definitely) wanting to have some. Did not leave me craving for more (woohoo)!

 

So I did not follow it to a T. But its purpose was (and maybe is) to de-numb my tastebuds, and feel self-control. 

 

Maybe tomorrow a day 4. Then I'll see if I can do a day 5, day 6, 7... One day at a time.

 

Okay now seriously some time for a bit of work, and then sleep. 

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I may be completely off the mark so you'll have to evaluate for yourself what applies to your situation and what doesn't. Also, if I'm meddling in things I shouldn't, do let me know: it's your life, yours to handle and you should be able to have a safe place where you can put your thoughts without some stranger coming in with unsolicited thoughts of his own.

 

That being said:

6 hours ago, analoggirl said:

Also I failed to be there for an old friend during a very difficult time for her due to all my busy-ness, which led me to almost feeling an existential crisis. :p

 

Friendship is a two-sided relationship. We ought to be there for our friends but they ought to understand when we can't. You seem to be living under some ongoing stress level. Sometimes we can help our friends and not drown in the process, sometimes we can't. It's up to us to know where to draw the line and up to our friends to understand when we can't help because our energy needs to be spent in keeping us afloat so that we both live up to our friendship. My go to mantra for this is that I won't help anybody by drowning so, staying afloat is priority number one. Sometimes, it means letting others sink without being able to help, that's the cost of having energy to help them the rest of the time.

 

I'll adress the rest in the spoiler.

 

6 hours ago, analoggirl said:

Seriously though, it took me/takes time to get used to asking (much) more of yourself than you used to.

 

Two possibilities here: either you were a couch person and you want to ask more of yourself because this is the kind of person you want to be and you know you won't burn out on it or you don't really have to get used to asking much more of yourself. We can go through tough times and we sometimes have to ask more of ourselves just to get through but when we get used to these kind of situations, we tend to loose the will to really get out of it. Being stressed should be the exception, not the norm. It can last for years but we're not machines, we need to regenerate too. After giving it all for my studies, I've spent some time (year(s)) working at 40% of my abilities. It was enough to get the work done but irritating to think of just how much more I could do if I could properly rest and get back to 100%. I'm currently at something like 60% and would need a few years of a low stress life to really replenish myself. The long term effects of asking too much of ourselves for a prolongated period of time should not be underestimated.

 

The questions I like to ask myself here are: is this the kind of life I want to live? If yes, then how do I organize myself to enjoy it? If no, then how do I get out of it?

 

6 hours ago, analoggirl said:

Sometimes that means being a douche... It is inexcusable that I was one, and I will take that to be a lesson... 

 

Sometimes, being a good person does feel like being a douche, because we have to put our own needs before those of others in order to keep ourselves in a state where we have an ability to help others. Some other times, we're just plain being douchebags when we don't have to. It's up to our own evaluation to determine which would apply to the situations we live.

 

I also like to try and think of a situation where the roles would be reversed. Would I feel like a douche for asking my friend to be there for me when she's obviously going through troubles of her own? Would I feel let down because, honestly, her problems are workable while mine are clearly life-shattering? Evaluating which situation, from mine or what I percieve of the one of my friend, would let me with the worse feeling helps me to decide how I want to act and to live with the feelings that come with it.

 

I'll go with my train of thoughts in blue in your spoiler. It seems easier that way. There again, do tell me if you mind.

 

  Hide contents

 

Also I hate having to fish for someone's true thoughts and feelings about me. Just tell me straight forward! I will play theatre for a living in the future, you know, politeness is needed for smooth business relations.

 

As long as my acquiantences think I am competent, I do not need them to like like me.

 

But with friends (and family) I need to hear it if I have offended you. Not have her burst out at me at random moments for unrelated things and I have to dig up what the hell I did! Or be silent or walk on egg shells! Oomf. 

 

I get extra direct and blunt when someone keeps beating around the bush and saying she's fine when she is not. 

 

So that is why I think we will grow apart. Despite everything. We will see of course.

You seem to have anlalyzed the situation quite well. There's how you see your relationship and how your friend sees it. It's up to you and her to choose whether it's something you want to pursue or if your views have met an insurmountable barrier and it's better to part. Loosing a true friend is always a very sad thing but not all relationships are meant to be. Sometimes, parting is for the best. Sometimes, too, we meet again later and are able to start on a new basis.

 

I mean, I have convinced and "retrained" someone else before to be direct with me. But given the fact her family is always " hush hush and never speak about your true feelings" I doubt it.

In my experience, we can't change people. They either decide to change by themselves, or not. What we can change is ourself, the way we see things and the way we react to things. You can work on living with her not being all that direct to you but being more direct lays solely on her shoulders. Don't take it upon yourself if she can't and things don't work out.

 

People in such surroundings are always afraid their thoughts and feelings will be used against them.

 

And it sucks. I really want to be her "safe space".

That's what you want, but it's her life. You can't be there for her if she doesn't want you to. Does she need/want a safe place? Does she want it to be you? It's her call.

 

But it really, truly, messes with my brain when I lay in bed for hours trying to figure out what someone close to me might be keeping from me. Is it me? Did I say something? Did something bad happen? What?! 

That is really not good. As with everything, you can work on yourself to become less afected by these situations or you can work on your environment and avoid people that would put you in these situations. Both are viable and legitimate ways of handling things. Anybody can be an acquaintance but friendship is a really special relationship that requires special conditions and care to be reached and maintained.

 

(And then there were also some other things got offended about, was direct about, and then got some hurtful, defensive reactions filled with bottled up irritations that she did not share with me before that. A nice, little, champagne bottle of cropped up resentment. Loved it.)

Being offended is never a good thing. It means that you put the effect her life and actions have on yourself above the reasons why she would do them in the first place. It's her life, her actions, she chooses how she wants to live it. Discussing about it is what relationships are about but, at any time, how she lives is her call. Yours is if you decide to put up with it or not.

 

Also, I love the champagne bottle analogy. Mind if I steal it?

 

I am definitely far from perfect. If I did not push myself to 'move forward', I would lay in bed and loathe myself. Just... have to take care of my sanity by surrounding myself with direct, growth-minded people.

100% this. You won't help anybody when insane.

 

I am sorry I am so self-centered.

Don't be. Either you feel you are too self-centered and work on being more open to others' points of views (being sorry doesn't help) or you don't and you can accept that you like being that way and find people who'll accept you for who you are (and there again, being sorry doesn't help).

 

In all honesty, I do actually think I have some "self-absorbed" streaks, but they are hidden and intertwined with other "parts of me" & also I like letting others shine, so I will work on those "as I go"...

That's the story of life, it'd be boring if we were perfect from the start or if every issue could be isolated from everything else we are. It's great to let others shine, I try to work on that a lot too. In the end, it's still their call whether they want to do it or not and we have to accept it.

 

And I do (mostly) know how to separate what is taking (rightful) pride in your work & what is ego and arrogance. So it's not too bad. I think. And I am self-aware about it, at the age of almost 25. ALWAYS better late than never, but allll these years to work on that. So we'll work on that! 

25 is very early to be self-aware, you have a very nice and fullfiling way ahead of you. Enjoy it!

 

6 hours ago, analoggirl said:

I feel like this second year of varying study loads and pushing myself I took with much more grace/flexibility. Stopped obsessing over details and went for the results. Feels good. But, of course, deadlines and the balancing act just give you stress, so of course weight loss is more difficult. And every so often there are increased snacking moments. And I could not bother with tracking stuff.

 

The question is: how much of a priority is loosing weight for you. If it's a real priority, then it's worth the stress level, so go for it. If it is not really, then chances are life will catch up and you won't get big results in your current situation. If that's the case, it may be more efficient to work on your situation, reduce the stress load, then tackle your weight goals. Picking our battles is a third of the victory. Another third is assets allocations (the last third is to stop thinking and just do it).

 

6 hours ago, analoggirl said:

Oh yeah!

I have completed my personal "3 day" challenge to follow the diet. I forgot to mention that my personal (undocumented, no pressure) goal was 3 days. I did have about one small scoop of ice cream, yesterday and today. First because my sis could not finish hers before it (an incredibly expensive 3 scoops of ice cream) would melt.  Today because she INSISTED ON me having some, and me (definitely) wanting to have some. Did not leave me craving for more (woohoo)!

 

So I did not follow it to a T. But its purpose was (and maybe is) to de-numb my tastebuds, and feel self-control. 

 

Maybe tomorrow a day 4. Then I'll see if I can do a day 5, day 6, 7... One day at a time.

 

Yay for that! Also, you're still in control of your life, you can have ice cream if you want to but you can also not act on someone insisting on you having it and still not being a douche (it is, in fact, a great quality). Go for the person you want to be and shine, you seem on the right track for that. :)

 

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On 4/30/2019 at 6:26 PM, Jean said:

 

Standing in full support of that. There's progress by goal setting and following, progress by habits without actively thinking about it and progress by letting our mind rest and replenish itself. Not skipping the later when the time comes for it is a great way to stay healthy, happy and ready to go. :)

 

 

6 hours ago, Jean said:

Two possibilities here: either you were a couch person and you want to ask more of yourself because this is the kind of person you want to be and you know you won't burn out on it or you don't really have to get used to asking much more of yourself. We can go through tough times and we sometimes have to ask more of ourselves just to get through but when we get used to these kind of situations, we tend to loose the will to really get out of it. Being stressed should be the exception, not the norm. It can last for years but we're not machines, we need to regenerate too. After giving it all for my studies, I've spent some time (year(s)) working at 40% of my abilities. It was enough to get the work done but irritating to think of just how much more I could do if I could properly rest and get back to 100%. I'm currently at something like 60% and would need a few years of a low stress life to really replenish myself. The long term effects of asking too much of ourselves for a prolongated period of time should not be underestimated.

 

The questions I like to ask myself here are: is this the kind of life I want to live? If yes, then how do I organize myself to enjoy it? If no, then how do I get out of it

 

So now to reply because well, it is technically my "Saturday". :D

 

I was kind of so-so. One the one hand, I needed to just reflect at that moment, and give myself an overview, but on the other is also nice to get an outside view.

The fact THAT you addressed it, and had a reserved way of giving your view also plays a part in it sounding anything but meddling. Insert thumb up emoji.

 

I agree with that! 

Ehh, I tend to be a bit of a couch patato at heart. A very, very priveleged couch patato, but one nonetheless.Think Snorlax (Pokemon)

that instead of sleeping a lot, likes to do low-effort activities on fun days,  Sloth (Fullmetal Alchemist) on bad days :) 

 

I can manage doing bare minimums and probably would not be terribly bad if I just focused on my exterior and/or just "went on with life".

However, I always sort of hovered between putting in effort, and halfway going like "NAH that requires too much commitment/effort"

It brings me happiness doing some stuff as well as I can, reflecting, and going at it again.

 

It is however often a battle with my "ohhh I can accept myself the way I am, I also do not need much money to be happy!"

But the thing is, I just enjoy... Solving legal puzzles, getting the (subjective, imperfect) good grades on tests, or in the future, happy clients

discussing things with fellow students, and later colleagues, etc.

 

I liked studying before my feelings of "not fitting in" kicked in (when I was a happy kid just going at it, living her life), I dived into my studies when 

I started getting depression symptoms, and then at my (never diagnosed) worst I just, did not care about anything besides the few contacts I had with people I cared about.

(From age 16 until 20.) Then when I got into university, and saw professors that were not overworked and underpaid, it reminded me how much I love

studying. And off I went! Except, it was damned difficult "putting in effort" when for years, you just did not care. :) 

 

I am starting to feel silly talking about it STILL after more years pass, but those are really your formative years, right? So it is what it is. I am just trying to paint a picture,

not play a victim! :) I just have tendencies to do the minimum without external motivators, or simply get apathic if left unchecked by my intrinsic self-motivation.

 

Honestly, it REALLY helped coming across NF and this community and getting an "OK" card imagining that I am a LITERAL hero in my own story. :p Makes things a bit more fun without....too much effort :D

 

 

On 4/30/2019 at 6:26 PM, Jean said:

Battling can be exhausting too, that's where habits come in handy. Do you miss sugar when there's none around but nuts and cheese handy? How are your eating habits (eating enough at meals or fast-cooking not eating diversified and filling enough)? I've found that drinking water helps with my other cravings. Quite often, it's more about performing some action that has a "relax, everything's fine, just cool down and enjoy" ring attached to it. Bottled tap water can have this effect for me (it used to be mainly coffee, I've replaced it - Thanks Steve! - and luckily enough, the water has kept this feeling going).

 

You seem to be still living under some ongoing stress level. More than two years of it is tough to bear. Try to be kind with yourself and set your goals in accordance (meaning, relaxing and not thinking too much about "have to"s and "should"s is also a win).

Yes I (used to?) miss sweets even when there are other snacks handy. Nuts tend to NOT fill my cravings if not pared with something else dried fruit and cheese. But eating a lot of dried fruit and nuts amounts to the same caloric intake, if I were to fulfil all my cravings with that, right? :D 

 

I think my food intake could DEFINITELY be more diversified... I always have low iron levels, for example. I'll find a way eventually, since it is on my mind. I want to print out those "seasonal fruit/vegetables" posters because in theory, your body needs more of something rather than the other depending on the season? Very slow work in progress.

 

I am indeed still looking for that action that distracts me and gives me a satisfied feeling without eating/chewing something :) 

 

NB - Although I do NOT JUDGE ANYONE that does this!!!! (Should probably put this as an exclaimer in my other post as well. That addictive type feeling thing is just me describing, and OVERREACTING so I do not go overboard. Not judging anyone that actually is addicted to food. It's just me and my flair for theatrics.)

 

When I am on the go, I do not think about food. I have actually started drinking coffee recently. It never does the job if I truly have not slept well, but it will increase my focus temporarily. I just enjoy he smell. Have bought some "fancy coffee beans" that I grind and experiment with to start a hobby as a barista haha. (VERY SLOWLY)

 

It is definitely not two years constant stress - I seem to have left that impression. It is stress levels going up for about 2 months, down for two months. I do truly relax during the 'down' times, it just is not enough for my body to let go of that weight. I am... 5 kilograms from my 'OK, I feel good now.' and 10 kilograms away from my healthy/"safe" weight.

 

I think I finally have the "WORK WHEN YOU WORK, and truly relax when you relax" thing down. It was one of my NF goals for a few challenges, even during the stressful periods.

 

6 hours ago, Jean said:

Friendship is a two-sided relationship. We ought to be there for our friends but they ought to understand when we can't. You seem to be living under some ongoing stress level. Sometimes we can help our friends and not drown in the process, sometimes we can't. It's up to us to know where to draw the line and up to our friends to understand when we can't help because our energy needs to be spent in keeping us afloat so that we both live up to our friendship. My go to mantra for this is that I won't help anybody by drowning so, staying afloat is priority number one. Sometimes, it means letting others sink without being able to help, that's the cost of having energy to help them the rest of the time.

 

I'll adress the rest in the spoiler.

 

6 hours ago, Jean said:

Sometimes, being a good person does feel like being a douche, because we have to put our own needs before those of others in order to keep ourselves in a state where we have an ability to help others. Some other times, we're just plain being douchebags when we don't have to. It's up to our own evaluation to determine which would apply to the situations we live.

 

I also like to try and think of a situation where the roles would be reversed. Would I feel like a douche for asking my friend to be there for me when she's obviously going through troubles of her own? Would I feel let down because, honestly, her problems are workable while mine are clearly life-shattering? Evaluating which situation, from mine or what I percieve of the one of my friend, would let me with the worse feeling helps me to decide how I want to act and to live with the feelings that come with it.

 

I tell others the exact same thing. I tell myself the same thing. It was just such a traumatic event, and I always go on about how I wish I could help people more, so not helping her felt like I was a hypocrite :) Forgoing a person, (unintentionally) in favour of (personal) goals. Hence the existential crisis. 

 

I would definitely just look for a friend that did not have so much on her plate, or rant to the internet, or if needed ask a professional, if I knew my friend had problems of her own. 

 

Even if "mine" were FAR WORSE than her own. And I would totally have understanding for her if she, like me, tried to draw parallells between her situation and mine sometimes,

just to help me feel somewhat understood, I would recognise that. I would not call her out for having worse life problems than mine, 

and be bitter about the fact she does not listen to me DESPITE THE FACT I NEVER SAID all she needed to do is listen. Because I do not think shutting my mouth and letting those things rot and fester inside me is any way of having a friendship.

 

ANYWAY

 

I said 'sometimes you have to be a douche' because I really was direct, blunt, and sometimes mean. Without nuancing. Not always when it was needed. 

In the past, I always padded my thoughts with lots of conditions, and reservations, underlining 10 times that I  do NOT think I know everything,

and I REALISE that I can never exactly know how things have gone, and how another person feels

 

but honestly, most people just lost track of whatever I was trying to say. Especially in an argument, where things get heated. You either get your message across in a blunt way,

or you risk someone skipping all your words, or worse, MISUNDERSTANDING your reservations as trying to "not be genuine" .... Or even "trying to IMPOSE YOUR OPINION" 

because apparently, when people hear or see someone talking a lot, they assume all those words are meant to get YOUR POINT ACROSS and not other, more noble reasons :p 

 

So in that case... short and blunt it is, guys. :p IF that's what ya want! In all seriousness though, it is so difficult to assess what is the best way to have a conversation.

 

Because sometimes calm conversations ENABLE someone to just play like everything is OK and then you (genuinely!!!) smile and hug but the shit is still somewhere in the drawer, and if it gets opened it will stink... But I hate conflicts so I do not always want to be the bad guy opening the drawer... but I just look at it, sitting there, and now I am just rambling. The truth is, sometimes you gain a friend, in my case more often you grow apart and/or you lose some. And that's life.

 

6 hours ago, Jean said:

The question is: how much of a priority is loosing weight for you. If it's a real priority, then it's worth the stress level, so go for it. If it is not really, then chances are life will catch up and you won't get big results in your current situation. If that's the case, it may be more efficient to work on your situation, reduce the stress load, then tackle your weight goals. Picking our battles is a third of the victory. Another third is assets allocations (the last third is to stop thinking and just do it).

 

Yay for that! Also, you're still in control of your life, you can have ice cream if you want to but you can also not act on someone insisting on you having it and still not being a douche (it is, in fact, a great quality). Go for the person you want to be and shine, you seem on the right track for that. :)

 

Losing weight... Right now it is quite up there, since if I gain any weight now I will be really above the advised limits. But my goals might need another year or so, and even then life just goes on right ? Who knows what is around the corner? I need to find a sustainable option. By my "INSISTED" comment I was just trying to make a light-hearted comment. Indeed, I am in control of my life! :) Thank you for your replies! 

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PS - just to make it very, very clear:

 

Showing your boundaries is NEVER douchey, self-centered, or whatsoever. There is a mean way TO set your boundaries,

but you know what? You have to first learn how to set them. And even if you already know HOW to, maybe you need to learn how to set your boundaries

in a new situation. And then it is entirely okay to have a disproportionate reaction. I personally rather have someone act like a meanie towards me,

rather to let me pass their boundaries. In any way. And that's what just happens, in real life, if the people around you are not walking on egg shells all the time.

 

They step on sore spots, or meddle or say some shit that for one reason or the other make you feel like they are invading your personal space.

 

And then you tell them, yo, that's the line right there, and they step back. 

 

So, yeah. I did NOT feel self-centered for going like: okay, I cannot live with this type of behaviour (and) I cannot be your listening ear right now, in the way that you need me to or at all.

Hell, I had to make effort to make face-to-face time for my family even. Let alone friends.

So I did what I had to do.

 

It just felt so unlike me to not be there for someone, and to let "work" get so much in the way if me being the friend that I am used to being,

hence the existentiality thing. 

 

And SURE I need to learn how to not overanalyse, and overthink. And I've come a long way, and I have a long way to go. But that's where I am in life.

 

And it's cool to set boundaries. I LIKE the fact that I am able to. And I encourage anyone that does not, to find their way. Even if they have to have disproportionate reactions sometimes.

 

So there. Hope that clarifies any doubts about where I stand on making time for yourself, mental health, self-care, and setting boundaries.

 

 

 

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Okay. Battle of today was/is: writing the damend application letter for a thing I really want but am afraid of being rejected for some reason.

I started "really" writing it in JANUARY! January! And I thought it was "almost done" but of course that's just the first draft, and it was not done-done even.

 

And there are some docs that I still need to gather that make me wonder if I'll manage before the deadline. Let's do this anyway! I'll regret it if I do not do my best to make this happen.

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Holy guacamole! (What choices do you have if you do not want to swear but also do not want to sound like a kindergarten teacher? None, absolutely none.)

 

I think I will have all my docs on time. Knock on wood.

 

Also I am here to admit I had absolutely no reason to stay up passed 10 pm.

 

Just got in an unnecessary FB discussion to see how it felt since I have not in years :p 

 

Soooo. Need to stop finding things to look up online. Either go sleep or do somework...or meditate. 

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“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

– Samuel Beckett

 

(For the inspirational purposes, let's ignore the context of this quote, which I just found here: https://booksonthewall.com/blog/samuel-beckett-quote-fail-better/ . Besides, being the semi-nihilistic person that I am, I believe that wanting to strive for more, being inspired, and - with a slight understatement - believing life & the world are far from rosy are not mutually exclusive. Not sure how my brain works that out, but it somehow does. )

 

I have a challenge concept in the works, but I also have a deadline on Monday 9AM & the research & writing of the paper is not going all too smoothly, so it'll have to wait for now. 

 

Here is the draft. Though it may or may not stay the same:

 

 

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Had not posted this one. :)

 

I just wanted to quickly write down what I am willing to give up in order to accomplish my academic goal for 2019-2020 AND my health for the future:

 

- relying on my mobile for everything. From useful things to entertainment to comfort. However I try, it is too easy for me to start doing other stuff and lose a bunch of time. Even just unlocking my phone randomly to fidget. i think I found and analog system.

 

I am going to try to use my phone only as:

+a running to-do and reference list

+ dynamic monthly calendar overview

+ Habitica

+ maintaining necessary contact with people in my social circle

+ alarm (plane mode when time for sleep)

+ listening to lectures

+ reading ebooks when no acess or danger for paper books (like nearby messy food)

+ ? 

+ And ONLY when I am having leisure time: maybe hobby YT videos. 

 

- junk food more often than once a week. Working towards this.

 

- my sometimes hour-long philosophising sessions. I can also analyse life while I am exercising!

 

 

This type of list helped me give up binge watching series. Have not been up to it for the past years but think the soil is right for these seeds as well.

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For reference's sake:

 

 I really, really enjoy the aesthetic of the URL turning into a mini view of the topic. For some reason. 

 

Yay for the people that make this forum go round. (Of course, not just for the aesthetic of the topic preview.) 

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Man, these weeks I have gained so many new insights about things I have been philosophising about (and doing "empirical research" on by exposing myself to new situations) for years, if not most of my concious life.

 

Growing pains might suck, but growing as a person is awesome.

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Added the goal category "fun goals" & under it "learn how to do a vintage curls wet set" (that actually stays).

 

Maybe that will lead to me doing a 50s Godfather style maffia/film noir costume for some halloween, who knows...

 

(Not saying that for suspense, I really do not know bc I tend to keep those things as ideas haha.)

 

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