Atrytone Takes A Single Step

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it.

[Sevasan]

 

That was a long winded response to end with a brief summary of, things will work out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your head up in the hard times, because it will make you stronger. Then you'll be able to help others through similar struggle's.

 

 

 Exactly.  We all have hard times and times of feeling "Lost"...even with everyone having a different experience.... but things will work out.  A few years from now you will look back at this time and say " Wow.. that wasn't so bad.  I made it!"   

 

  Keep your head up! You got this!!! 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Haha you've both basically told me what the counselor did. Thank you very much.

[AaHa]

 

Haha you've both basically told me what the counselor did. Thank you very much.

 

Sorry, I may or may have not watched Tony Robbins you tube clips prior to my post.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I had to look him up because I've never heard of him. He seems like a positive fellow.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I had a presentation today worth a fuckton of marks. I'm not going to say how it went outright since I believe my beverage choices upon returning home sum it up nicely:

1. I poured a cup of coffee (black as always, but it was my 4th so I was cheating on my self-imposed 3 cups per day rule).
2. I took a swig of rye straight from the bottle (coughed a little, I haven't had rye straight recently and frankly I didn't kick out the money for a smoother drink).
3. I cracked a beer.

This was all probably within a span of the first five minutes of being home. Coffee is done and now I'm working on the beer. It's 2:48 in the afternoon if that counts for anything.

[Sevasan]

Sorry to hear about your presentation.  =(  

 

 I know this is just generic advise but... 

 

 All will be better.  Take some time this weekend to unwind and relax and try not to focus on the bad.  Every experience is a learning experience and will help us get stronger and better. *plays cheesy violin music*   

 

 

  Don't be too mad. how are you feeling today?

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Unfortunately essentially everything is due next week so I can't really relax. I'm not mad, just frustrated with myself. I'm worried it's going to fuck up my GPA.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Had to purchase my grad photos. Thank god my parents offered to pay because I saw the prices and was going to say fuck it. $184 later and here we are. I understand that this sort of stuff is expensive but there wasn't a single photo in the proofs that I really liked. Hopefully the family will appreciate it though. 

 

I'm just feeling pretty all-around horrible right now. I'm tired all the time, dragging my feet about my final projects/studying. There's only a week left but it feels like forever. I just want it all to be over. I don't want to do this anymore. Then I have to look for a job. I don't really want to do that either. I'm tired. I have the constant feeling of wanting to go home despite already being home and it sucks. I hate feeling like this. 

 

On top of all that I'm feeling ridiculously needy. Like I want reassurance from my friends but I don't want to ask for it but I'm upset when I don't get it which makes me feel dumb because if I don't tell them how can they know? And I just feel useless and worthless and like I don't even really matter. Like no one would miss me if I disappeared. And I feel like shit talking about it here even but I guess I just need to vent. I'm dissatisfied with myself right now and my life. I don't know what I'm doing.

[Sevasan]

Where is the “dislike” button? 

I am sorry you are having a bad week. It does suck to feel worn out and drained all the time. But just think.. one more week!!! And it is done!  I am sure the time will go by faster than it seems.  You can do it!!!

 

Looking for a job is not the worst thing in the world.  Who knows what opportunities can present themselves! I know it is hard to stay positive, but I am sure you know attitude can change anything! =)  (I think…   …maybe?…  …who knows, I just thought of that.)  And don’t worry about feeling “needy”  we all like to have friends and family comfort us when we need. And it sounds like you need it!  They should be able to tell but even if you have to say something, don’t feel bad about it. They will appreciate that you are reaching out to them. You know you matter. And you know people would miss you (not to mention the people on here who enjoy reading about what is going on!  … yes even the true life stuff that is not all sugar cookies and unicorns.)  This community is about real life. real people. and real struggles. 

 

And once again, I am probably saying things that you have heard a million times. It is ok to not know what you are doing.  I don’t think most people really know what they are doing.  I know I don’t know what I am doing. So that is a perfectly normal thing. (Unless we really are the crazy ones and don’t know it!)   haha!

 

All I am saying is…  you will be ok.   Work hard, don’t give up, and let this week be what it is…  just another small chapter in the life of Atrytone!   And by the way, if you ever need to vent, I am sure there are plenty of people who would listen and be completely honored to be vented to!  Except for me… Sevasan ain’t got no time for that!  =P     Totally JUST KIDDING!   Count me in!   

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

 

I am sorry you are having a bad week. It does suck to feel worn out and drained all the time. But just think.. one more week!!! And it is done!  I am sure the time will go by faster than it seems.  You can do it!!!

 

All I am saying is…  you will be ok.   Work hard, don’t give up, and let this week be what it is…  just another small chapter in the life of Atrytone!  

 

Thank you for this. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond but I had to take a little time to get my head on straight and stop whining. I really appreciate your support.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Interestingly enough, I feel better today. I screwed up yesterday and only finished 2 pages of an 8 page final paper that was due at 4 pm today. So, for the first time in a good week or so, I got up early. Not crazy early but it was before 7am. For the past week I've been sleeping until 8am or later. Now, logically, I know that I feel like crap about myself if I sleep past 8am. Not sure why I just do. AND YET I somehow didn't make the connection between sleeping late and feeling like shit for the past week. I'm going to set my alarm for 6am again tomorrow (and from now on) and hopefully that will help improve my mood. Such a small, silly little thing and yet it apparently makes a huge difference.

 

(Also I finished the paper with time to spare and it's 10 pages long now).

[Sevasan]

Awesome!  I agree with the small changes.  I have been getting up later and not going to the gym for the past 5 days. (my membership expires at the end of the month) and I feel like crap for it.  So I will be going after work today. 

 

And good job on the paper!    Sorry for the late response as well.  A lot is going to happen this last month of employment and I also need to have my head on straight. 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Hush, you are under no obligation to respond to me. I appreciate it when you do but I understand you have a life as well. Hang in there.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

All finished my finals, papers, and assignments. I should be graduating in June. I'm not really sure how to feel yet. At this point everything is pretty bittersweet. Plus side, I didn't cry leaving the university today like I thought I would. Small blessings right?

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Got all my grades back. This was my worst semester but I still managed to get slightly above an A- average. My cumulative average is just above an A. In my total university history I have had only 3 B+'s. Nothing lower. It's silly but it makes me really happy. I'm going to be on the Deans' Honour List for the fourth year in a row now. I know good grades aren't synonymous with intelligence but this is a huge accomplishment for me. 

 

I don't really have words for this but I'm relieved and happy and just kinda overwhelmed. Hard work can really pay off.

[Sevasan]

YOU GOT 3 B+'s ... you should totally be ashamed.     HAHA!    

 

But seriously..... Congratulations!   That really is quite an accomplishment, and you should be very proud! You have done a lot more than most people ever could have! (myself included)

 

Hopefully all that stress and anxiety is over now and you can look forward to the next steps!  I am sure that ALL of NF is proud to hear of what you have done!  Hard work does pay off. And you are a shining example of it!

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

4 hours ago, Sevasan said:

YOU GOT 3 B+'s ... you should totally be ashamed.     HAHA!

Haha harsh

 

Thank you though. School has always been pretty easy for me so it took me a long time to acknowledge all my hard work as well. Always felt kinda like having a good memory as well as good test taking and writing skills was a form of cheating. But it's not like those skills manifested on their own right? Just because I have a knack for something doesn't mean I haven't also earned it.

 

Yeah, I'm nervous about the next step but I'm starting to get a little excited too. I love learning new things and I just have to approach my job hunt (and hopefully subsequent job!) with that attitude in place. I went to school to learn how to help people and by golly I'm gunna do it one way or another.

 

Thank you for all of your support Sevasan. I really appreciate it.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Went out to do errands today and ended up down at the beach. I had some time so I sat on a piece of driftwood and read in the sun for upwards of twenty minutes. It was nice. Peaceful. I'm not usually big on the sun but it's impossible not to enjoy the mid-Spring warmth and the scent of the ocean. I took a couple pictures because it was so pretty.

Spoiler

 

 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I applied for two more jobs today in the local health administration. It's glorified kitchen work for the most part; which at $17+/hour I am so okay with. I never would have thought to apply for those jobs (I assumed you needed special training or a nutrition program or something) but they're nothing more difficult than I did at the sushi bar where I used to work and the requirements were just as low. I only found out about this because my best friend's mom does work for them and suggested I try applying. If I get a job I'm going to have to do something really nice for her. The system is such that once you get your foot in the door it's a lot easier to move up or around than it is to come into a position as an outsider. I guess most administrations are like that though.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Just stuff I need to write down. It's not very positive so please feel free to skip over it.

Spoiler

Had a sudden, uncomfortable burst of body-hate. I haven't felt like this in a while. I've never really been "overweight" although there are times where I've weighted a bit more than I was comfortable with. When I was a kid I was bullied a lot and because kids are cruel, but also unimaginative, I was often told I was fat. And, despite the fact that I wasn't, I internalized this. As a kid and in my early teens I often felt heavier than I was, my self-image ballooning. Luckily I saw myself more as I actually was in the mirror and didn't develop an eating disorder (although I can easily see how I could have). But I just feel gross. I ate a little too much dinner.

I think adding to this feeling is that my mom quit smoking recently (yay mom!) and put on quite a bit of weight as a result. I just really noticed it the other day. Now I'm freaking out because I've been so inactive lately and I've been eating bad food and I just feel so gross. I'm super self conscious right now and I hate it. I hate hating my body but I do. This is horrible and I thought I grew out of my body-hate. I was feeling so good for so long and now I just feel gross.

 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Feeling a bit better today. Trying not to let one bad day get me down long-term you know? It helps that I just started a new knitting project. Nothing difficult per se, but I am trying out a couple techniques I'm unfamiliar with.

[Sevasan]

“I've never really been "overweight" although there are times where I've weighed a bit more than I was comfortable with. When I was a kid I was bullied a lot and because kids are cruel, but also unimaginative, I was often told I was fat. And, despite the fact that I wasn't, I internalized this.”

 

 

I can certainly sympathize with this. The body image you have as a kid stays with you  (at least from personal experience).  Even thought our present self is soooo much better than our past self!

 

And I am sure you just feel “gross” from eating bad and being inactive. Not from actually being gross or out of shape or any other reason. I am sure in reality if you look in the mirror, or get on a scale (don’t really do it… scales lie!!!) I am sure you really have not changed any. It all is just a feeling and a mental image.  Once again, speaking from experience… I have been very inactive and eating like crap since the layoff announcement. I feel like I look terrible and feel terrible compared to a few months ago. But it is all in our heads. It should help to go for a walk or get moving for a bit.  I am sure that will help with the feelings.   Stay positive! You can do this! The good feelings will return soon! 

*insert cheesy inspirational quote!*       

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that. You're right of course.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I was working out yesterday and my right knee started hurting. I modified my routine to give it a bit of a break but I guess I over compensated with my left leg because my quad is facing Death By DOMS today. Not the end of the world but it is pretty sore.

 

My knee was acting up again today. I had my knees bent up while I was reading and then when I tried to get up it didn't want to work. Really irritating to be honest.