Atrytone Takes A Single Step

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I forgot how much I enjoy evening walks. Out and about for a half hour. It was absolutely lovely.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Got my hair coloured today for my convocation. It is very blue and I am very happy.

 

 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Had a bit of an argument with my Uncle. He's pushing me to look out-of-Province for work and I don't want to. I'm really not ready to leave home yet given that I'm broke as fuck and not really sure how to adult. It's very frustrating. He keeps trying to convince me to move closer to where he lives for school or work or whatever and it's making me vaguely tempted to either stay right where I am, move to a Province even farther away, or go to another country just to spite him. (The last is unlikely as I don't have a passport). It's just really infuriating and I feel like he's trying to push his own shit on me. He offered to try and find me a counseling job despite the fact that I've noted many times I don't want to be a counselor. At all.

 

His pushiness is just really getting to me I guess. I'm sad and angry now.

[Sevasan]

People will have plans for what they think you should do. But always do what you believe you should do. IT is not right for him to be so pushy. He may believe he is helping, and he can OFFER to help, but he needs to understand that it is YOUR decision. 

 

Do what you feel is right. You got this!  and learning to adult takes time. I know I am still learning too! mistakes will be made, but take them as learning opportunities.  

 

I have a feeling you will be just fine!    YOU GOT THIS!

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Yup. Thank you.

 

I just needed to vent.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

My old boss (from the sushi bar) just called and asked if I'd be willing to do some work for him sometimes over the summer. I don't think I'll go back entirely but it was my first, and also most recent, job and I really like working for him. It was sweet of him to call and offer me some work. He also understands that I'm looking for different work now and is accepting of it. He's just a really great guy and it was super nice to hear from him.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I graduated with Distinction today. I can't believe it. Just...wow. Fucking wow. I can't remember the last time I was this happy.

[Sevasan]

4 hours ago, Atrytone said:

I graduated with Distinction today. I can't believe it. Just...wow. Fucking wow. I can't remember the last time I was this happy.

 

 

  That is AWESOME!  All that hard work has paid off!    Congratulations!   

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Thank you. I'm still floating honestly!

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

In a big-ish city for a psych convention. It's been interesting so far.

[Maggie-Miau]

*Pops in to shake some pom poms and cheer for you*

 

I hope your convention continues to be interesting and that you have a good time!

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

It took me 3 full days to recover from the 4 I spent in the city at the Convention. I really am not suited for anything but small towns.

 

The convention was cool though and I got volunteer experience out of it so that's good. Also I got to try pulled-pork savoury waffles. They were delicious.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Thought I'd finally post a picture of my carefully, and nigh un-noticeably, edited degree. ;P

 

But yeah. The end of an era.

 

[Sevasan]

WOO-HOO!!!!       Now it is official!     (where is the "super like" button?)  haha!

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Guess I should probably update this more often since I'm not doing a challenge this cycle. :/

 

On Friday I had a get-together with some people I graduated with. It was a lot of fun. Since I was taking a cab home I ended up walking to the pub (it's a small city and busing is a bitch there). It was about a 30-35 minute walk. Google Maps told me it would take ~45 minutes and I must say I love proving Google wrong. I listened to Alice Isn't Dead - a podcast that I highly recommend - the whole way there which was pretty cool. It was a nice day, which kinda sucked since I was wearing jeans.

 

Today I really buckled down and emailed out a bunch of resumes. I actually already got one response back! I was pretty shocked but I'm also excited. My interview is next week. Downside, I hate interviews. I'm super awkward and anxious about them. So hopefully I can use the next week to psych myself up rather than out.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Got a call today for another job interview. Seasonal park attendant gig. I hate having to make choices. There are too many pros and cons to each job for it to be a simple decision. I mean I'm kinda jumping the gun here because I just have interviews so far. Not the jobs themselves but ugh what to do what to do.

 

It doesn't help that it's tomorrow morning and the other one is next week. What if they want to hire me but can only offer the job if I start immediately? I'm kinda freaking out right now.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

So my interview yesterday went well...up to a point. I was halfway convinced I was going to get the job on the spot until I let the guy know that I have another interview on Wednesday. It turns out that he lost the last two people he hired to other jobs and is now 6 weeks behind hiring schedule. He said to call after my interview but I won't be surprised if he finds someone in the meantime. I actually kinda hope he does you know? Assuming things go well at my Wednesday interview.

 

While the other job is for less hours the pay is significantly more. Furthermore, the park job is only seasonal. The other job has an opportunity for more regular hours and, with them, benefits. Short-term the park job would be better. It's a full 40 hours per week which, even with the reduced wages, means I'd be getting paid more than I will at the other place which is 15-20 hours per week. I'm not in school anymore though. I'm not just looking for a summer job. I need to try and hold out for the better job all around. The other job is at least adjacent to the health field which will look good on my CV and resume. It's just really hard. I don't like gambling with work. My parents are being very supportive and not pressuring me for rent yet. Telling me to find a decent job first. It's just hard. I have to remember that I'm an adult now, with a semi-fancy education, and that I am worth a good job. It still feels like a gamble though and I don't gamble. It's stupid.

 

I can't wait to get my Wednesday interview over with. I hate not knowing.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

My junk food cravings have been going up. (And I admit to having succumbed once or twice). I think it's just the stress that has me wanting high-calorie, salty food. Hopefully once I get this job mess sorted out the cravings will go down. (And I can afford a gym membership and start working on my squats again).

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Over on Facebook I read  that 2009 vs. 2016 is a thing. I thought it might be interesting to take a look at it since in 2009 I graduated high school and in 2016 I graduated university. (Under the spoiler because it's kinda big).
 

Spoiler

 

 

 

It's strange looking back at who I was seven years ago. There have been quantifiable changes of course; I got new frames, two new piercings, two tattoos, and so many different hairstyles that I can't count them all (my favorites were my mohawk from a couple years back and my current sidecut). I think I might even have lost a little body-fat (although it may just be a trick of camera angles and face position). The biggest differences aren't physical though. Mentally I can hardly remember who I used to be. I've gained life experience of course. The difference between a teenager and someone in their mid-twenties is pretty huge after all.

 

However, I feel like I'm just as insecure now as I was back then. If not more so. I think the difference there is that I'm more liable to fight back against my insecurities now, and this is where experience comes in, whereas in 2009 I would just hide it. I didn't want anyone to know that I got anxious or depressed and that some days I struggled with self-loathing. I still have all those issues. They didn't magically go away once I crossed the threshold from adolescence into adulthood. However, experience has taught me that I'll get through it in time. That I can tell people and they won't exploit my perceived weakness. I've gotten much better at trusting people. It still doesn't come easily but I let it happen.

 

I think I have become more introverted. Or perhaps it's only now that I'm free to act on those tendencies. Before, living in the middle of nowhere felt like a punishment. It was so complicated to get together with friends and I felt lonely a lot. Especially when my friends who lived closer to each other would spend time together without me. (Actually I still feel that way but I'm working on it). Now, even though I have a vehicle at my disposal I choose to spend most of my time at home. Perhaps it's because I have the option that I feel less pressure to be around other people. I have a new appreciation for solitude.

 

Perhaps the biggest difference is my acknowledgement that change is inevitable. Back in high school, in 2009, I thought I'd always be the same person. I never thought I'd really change. But I have. And I will. And now? I'm okay with that. I expect it - even relish in it. Who in their right mind wants to stagnate? If I never changed I would never have given fitness a go. I "hated" physical activity. What I really hated was being forced to play sports. I never really enjoyed them. When I started kick boxing as a way to combat excessive stress levels I fell instantly in love. Then, when I couldn't continue, I started going to the gym. Which I never would have if I hadn't changed. I never would have discovered the joy I would get out of a new PR. I never would have joined NF and met all the amazing people I have. No, change is okay by me now.

 

Here's to the next seven years. I hope they end up being as enlightening as the past seven were.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I sometimes get this feeling like I'm not enough. Like. I'm not good enough sure. But also like I'm not depressed enough? Or anxious enough. Or sleep deprived enough. Because I've been all of those things but nothing ever ENOUGH to get a diagnosis. So when I complain about being depressed or anxious or tired I feel like crap about it because it's not actually a thing with me. There are people who genuinely need help and I'm just a whiny little baby about everything. And it's not like I want to actually have a mental illness. I'm not trying to romanticism human suffering I would just like to have a reason for being upset about my life. Most of the time I just feel selfish.

 

I don't need reassurance or anything. Actually I'm probably only feeling this way now because I'm tired. A decent nights sleep and I'll be right as rain (and feeling embarrassed and pseudo-guilty about this little out burst in the morning). I just hate the ups and downs. Hopefully my interview goes well Wednesday. A job would help restore a little normalcy to my life.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Job hunt related whining: Interview today. I REALLY hope it goes well but I'm a little concerned. While my blue hair is Very Awesome and I love it the job I'm applying for is in a care facility in a somewhat conservative small town where the average age is 63.9 years old. I worked at a cafe in this town before and my boss at the time wouldn't let me dye my hair anything but a natural colour and ESPECIALLY not blue because it was "too punk", "scary", and because "the seniors won't like it". God that job was stifling. But it's made me very nervous about my chances of getting a job while having awesome hair and face metal. :/ (Obviously I'm going to cover my tattoos because we're not even going there). Well. I guess it will go well or it won't.

 

Non-job hunt related whining: I hurt my thigh. It doesn't feel like DOMS (although we went haying yesterday and that's a decent workout). It feels like something hit my leg but I can't for the life of me figure out what it could be. Bluh. Hope it feels better soon.

 

Non-whining: I've decided to check out local martial arts studios once I get a job. I'm pretty sure kickboxing is where my heart is but there aren't any local kickboxing programs to the best of my knowledge. And I'm definitely not opposed to trying something new. So that's something else to look forward to.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I have another interview for next week. Crazy right? Guess I hit the job market at the right time. This new interview is with a government-funded association; it'll look really good on a resume. Additionally it pays pretty well. Significantly better than any other job I've ever had at least. And! They don't mind if I work another job while I'm with them.

[Sevasan]

Awesome news on the Job hunting front! It seems like one you have one interview, more seem to follow.   You must be doing something right!  Blue hair is awesome by the way, but don't let that stop you from getting the job you want. You could always change it back after you get settled in?   I don't know, i guess it depends on the company. 

 

Also Kudos on wanting to try something new. Keeping an open mind to new experiences will only help you grow as a person!  and I am sure you know all that already.  You degree earning graduate you!        haha!  

 

  Glad to hear some good news!

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Oh geez. Sorry Sevasan, I meant to write a reply but I guess I never got around to it. Sorry about that, better late then never though right? The second interview didn't go so well but I got the first job (probably, I start orientation next week so hopefully I figure things out quickly!).

 

I agree that blue hair is awesome. Alas, I have retired it. My roots were getting pretty bad and I was sick of long(ish) hair so I buzzed it. Much more summer appropriate now.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Oh, I have a new challenge up as well if anyone is interested.