Atrytone Takes A Single Step

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Just sent an email to a local(ish) orienteering club inquiring about basic training. Fingers crossed.

 

When I mentioned to my dad I wanted to hike the West Coast Trail (WCT) he was supportive and had a few suggestions. (As well as an insistence that I don't go alone as there are a number of large predators along the WCT). One of his suggestions was to take up orienteering. It was a fantastic idea and I hope this training will work out. Sounds like the times are variable depending on the amount of interest at any given time. He also suggested rucking - which I intended to do anyway - and said that I should practice carrying up to 50lbs. While my pack will likely be lighter than that I still think it's a good idea and I'll work my way up to it. I need to get a backpack for that purpose at sometime. Another suggestion he had was to take that 50lb pack and hike different local trails over five to seven days in a row (as many times around as is necessary to make up the necessary kms for the WCT). I feel like this will be quite challenging but also a good way to determine if the WCT will be something I can manage. As we have a number of trails in the area I'm sure I'll be able to test a variety of difficulty levels and avoid the boredom of hiking the same trail several times a day for a week.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I have to say, it makes a huge difference having an actual life goal. I feel like I actually have direction and am no longer coasting along.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Been a long time since I've posted here. Been a long time since I've participated in a challenge. I've been in a weird state of comfortably busy and painfully lost recently. My hours at work have increased to full time thus prompting me to quit my second job that I haven't had any hours at since December. I like working and I love my job. It's a place I could be content to settle into. That's the comfortable part of my life right now.

 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this here before but right now I'm planning a move to Vancouver between August and September. A deadline that is rapidly approaching. I need to gain more experience before I can apply to grad school (and actually have a hope of getting in) so I intend to volunteer in local labs for a year before applying for a graduate program in cognitive neuroscience. The issue is that I've never lived anywhere but small towns. Cities terrify me and Vancouver is...well it's pretty awful. Every time I've visited it's been highly stressful for me and I get overwhelmed by all the people and buildings and traffic and noise noise noise. It's so loud and everything is overwhelming and I hate that feeling. It's like I can't breathe in a city and I'm scared that I'll shut down if I move there. 

 

But I have to.

 

Because of these circumstances I've basically ceased all exercise and I've been slipping into eating like an asshole again. Since I need to take baby steps apparently I'm going to focus on reining in my eating habits again. I'll do my best to track it here. 

 

Atrytone's Stop Eating Like an Asshole Plan:

i) Stop eating after 8 pm - make use of Distraction Tea(TM) as needed

ii) Stop eating for the sake of boredom - make use of Distraction Tea(TM) as needed

iii) Cut back the junk - remind myself that I don't eat that stuff anymore

iv) Three cups of coffee maximum per day - willpower and praying to unspecified deities mostly 

[Sevasan]

New places can be scary, I don't enjoy large cities either, but also do not have same same reaction.  It is good to have goals again and a plan to stop eating like an asshole. Haha!  I like that title by the way.  

 

Anyway getting back into it with baby steps is better than not getting back into it at all.  You got this! it has been a while for us both it seems. Life has a funny way of kicking you down. "Fall down six times, get up seven times!"

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

9 hours ago, Sevasan said:

New places can be scary, I don't enjoy large cities either, but also do not have same same reaction.  It is good to have goals again and a plan to stop eating like an asshole. Haha!  I like that title by the way.  

 

Anyway getting back into it with baby steps is better than not getting back into it at all.  You got this! it has been a while for us both it seems. Life has a funny way of kicking you down. "Fall down six times, get up seven times!"

 

It's a term I saw floating around the Ranger forums and I fell in love.

 

Yup. As long as we don't give up we've already won right?

[Sevasan]

On 5/22/2017 at 2:16 PM, Atrytone said:

 

It's a term I saw floating around the Ranger forums and I fell in love.

 

Yup. As long as we don't give up we've already won right?

 

Exactly!   "Never give up! Never surrender!"   

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I think part of the reason I've had such a hard time sticking around lately (life craziness aside) is that I'm scared to fail. Which is a valid concern. (I'm trying this thing where I don't minimize my feelings - crazy what 4 sessions with a cognitive-behavioural therapist can do for a person).

 

At the risk of sounding braggy I was the kid that was good at everything. I thrived off praise and always got upset when I messed up. When I was 8 we moved and I attended a different school. I'd had some issues with bullying at my previous school but nothing unmanageable. At the new school I struggled to make friends and the bullying got worse. This led to, or perhaps exacerbated, my social anxiety. I stopped doing things I was told I wasn't good at. I went from loving gym class to hating it. Dreading it. Math was torture for two years until I had a teacher take five minutes to show me what a different teacher told me I'd "catch up on". Between the teacher that wouldn't help me with math when I asked and later a TA that was convinced my parents were abusing me but wouldn't listen when I told her I was being bullied at school I stopped asking for help. 

 

I began avoiding things I wasn't naturally good at. I didn't take risks or try new things because if I failed I wouldn't be praised by adults anymore. Conversely, the things I was praised by adults for (good behaviour, good grades, reading a lot) ended up being a main point of contention with my peers. My successes were brushed off. I was called  teacher's pet. I was told that my accomplishments were undeserved, that it was favoritism, nepotism. I became ashamed. Without realizing it. I'd get upset about B's and get yelled at about it by friends. My academic marks have always been a huge part of my sense of self worth but it seemed like I couldn't win either way. Good grades made me happy but also sheepish. Embarrassed. Ashamed.

 

Grades were the most prominent area for me but it spilled into other things. With exercise I wanted to be good but I was also afraid of success. I want to be strong but I still crave approval. Even now our society praises women that are 'feminine'; meek, submissive, not physically strong. I've always hated this and pushed back. It lead to  lot of issues with internalized misogyny as a child and teenager. Even though it's something I've worked extensively on I still struggle sometimes. Because I want to be seen as strong but it feels like there's an expectation that I must be weak. Especially from men. Sometimes men I care about. And that hurts.

 

There's always this dichotomous tugging in my life. Fear of failure leading to a fear of trying but an all-encompassing NEED to prove myself. A NEED to be more than what people assume me to be. But scared. So scared that if I try I'll fail. And prove all those imagined people right. People that I imagine waiting on the sidelines pointing and saying "see? I knew she was no good. I don't know why she bothers," sneering and jeering and laughing.

 

It's easier not to try. If you don't try you can't fail. But I'm also realizing that if you don't try you already failed.

 

I moved to Vancouver a year ago. Now, I'm moving back. But I didn't fail. I just realized what I want isn't here. It never was. But if I didn't try it I never would have known that. I'm working on my insecurities. It's not easy. It's really hard actually. I'm coming back next year and I'm going to try my damnedest. I might mess up, slip up, fall off the wagon again. But I'm going to keep trying because being healthy and being strong is important to me.

 

It's important to keep trying.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Yesterday I moved from Vancouver back into my parents home. Moved my bed and some of my stuff into my brothers old room since my mom has taken up residence in my old room. It's strange being back even though I was only gone for a little more than a year. 

 

I feel strangely listless and fatigued. Like I've lost momentum. Like I took a step back. It's not true but it feels that way. Things will be better once I've checked out of my old suite though. And once I start working, and working out, again. Fingers crossed that I get a job soon so I can move out and move on with my life.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Spoiler

tw: suicidal ideation

 

I'm having some concerns. I moved back in with my parents after a disastrous year in Vancouver. I was hoping that would help with the mental health decline I experienced in the city. Or, I guess I hoped it would fix it completely. But, perhaps obviously, it hasn't.

Things have gotten better but I'm still drinking to manage my anxiety. Which is terrifying given a family history of alcoholism.

I've also found myself wishing I were dead. Feeling like it's the only option. Feeling like nothing will ever be alright again. Nothing bad even has to happen. It's just like continuing to live requires too much effort. I don't know what to do.

 

 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I've had a rough couple days. On Saturday my dad took me car shopping. We went to at least 5 different dealerships and I purchased a car from the first one (a 2009 Saturn Astra if anyone cares). Then we went to my grandparents place to help them with a couple issues. My grandpa has dementia and it's been getting worse lately. My Grandma is the sole caregiver at this time and it's been making her incredibly irritable. It's understandable but still sad. That night I was driving my car home and the check engine light came on out of nowhere. Not something you want to see with something you just dropped a ton of money on.

 

Sunday was a lazy day. Watched a bunch of movies. Tried a couple things with the car to see if that was the engine issue. No luck.

 

Today I slept very poorly and then had to rush off to a job interview in the nearest city. About a 30-45 minute drive away. Car seemed fine. Interview was fine. I don't think I'm going to take the job though. Anyway about halfway home my car told me there was an issue with the coolant level. Pulled over at a gas station. I had to leave my car there and call my mom to pick me up. I know jack shit about cars and don't want to put the wrong thing in the wrong tank. Have to wait for my dad to finish work so he can take a look at it.

 

My anxiety is spiking. I feel like I can't breathe and my chest feels tight. Relying on my parents like this makes me feel like a child. I'm sad and trying really hard not to eat my feelings right now. I feel like I'm fucking everything up.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Oh, the Astra is a fun little car. It’s kind of a rare one.

Just about everyone has to rely on their parents these days. We’re helping out Stepsloth right now. The world has just gotten too tough to start out in anymore.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

11 minutes ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Oh, the Astra is a fun little car. It’s kind of a rare one.

Just about everyone has to rely on their parents these days. We’re helping out Stepsloth right now. The world has just gotten too tough to start out in anymore.

 

It's pretty comparable to my previous car, a Honda Civic, so that has me happy. 

 

Logically I know that, but it's hard since I'm going to be 28 this month. As much as I hated living in Vancouver at least I felt self-sufficient there.

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

Trying to get my shit together. It's been a couple years since I've been here.

 

I got a job in mental health. I'm a support worker at a non-profit that focuses on the psychosocial rehabilitation model. One the one hand it's great. Exactly what I want to be doing. On the other hand it's been exacerbating my own mental illness. I've been retraumatized in the line of work. I've started taking antidepressants. When one wasn't enough the doctor upped my dose. When that didn't work he added a second medication on top of it. It's still not really working. I mean it has kept me from doing something permanent but I still feel depressed all the time. Waiting to see a psychiatrist now.

 

When Covid first hit and everything shut down I ended up having to reach out to our clients over the phone. First of all I hate making phone calls. Second of all everyone was scared. Really scared. A lot of those calls involved me listening to people sobbing for 20 minutes. I was glad I could be there for them but I felt useless. Powerless. I was stressed and sad and burned out. But no one else was there so I had to do it. I still haven't fully recovered from the experience.

 

I started stress eating. Stress eating evolved into binging. I'd tell myself not to but I couldn't stop. Just kept shoveling food in my face because it was the only thing that comforted me even a little. I've gained 70lbs in the past year. The toll has been...Well, I don't really have the words. I'm trying to be healthy but it's been really hard. Just going to try taking it a day at a time now.