Take this, it may help you on your journey

[Red Dragoon]

Leveling up Life Progress

 

* I have a pair of minimalist shoes! Nike Frees, which are often sites as a decent transition pair. The journey to acquire the magic shoes was less arduous than it usually is, though still an annoying process full of the worst dungeon puzzles like Make the Store Clerk Bring You What You Asked For When He Has Decided its Not Really What You Need. I've been out twice walking on them, not far, just short walks. Its not torture, but it will take some getting used to.

 

* I've started cleaning a lot more, not small chores but tackling big projects that depression and apathy allow to just sit there. Not consistently day after day but I do get bitten by the get up and do something bug a bit more often, its a good sign.

 

* I have a vacation coming up next month. One week of running on the beach, in a place that actually makes me happy. I'm looking forward to it.

 

* I might have found an affordable but decent treadmill, just trying to budget for it with the other expenses coming up and the need to save money for eventual moving. Its looking very likely, and then I'll have that again.

 

 

New Short Term Goals

 

The Meditation Challenge in Nerd Fitness's quest list. I'd wanted a chance to start practicing my religion again, here is a good way for that. Meditating every day for two weeks, even if its just a few minutes.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day One, Complete. 30 minutes.

 

Had a candle flame to focus on, let my breathing sort itself out. Sorry if I'm doing it wrong by quest standards, but I learned a long time ago breath focusing does not work for me, at all.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Two, Complete. 30 minutes.

 

I can check off the small quests under the Druid category (Meditate for Two Minutes, on and on) even if I'm focusing on something other than breath? If no one says otherwise, I'm going for it. Not like I never tried it the standard way.

 

Leveling Up Life Progress

 

* I had to run out again yesterday (being outside twice in a weekend, sounds like very little but its more than I usually do), didn't wear the minimalist shoes (just the old ones, so worn out they almost might as well be) because I was going too far and was in a hurry, but I tried to be mindful of my walking, following the information I found online: forefoot strikes, push off the back leg rather than lead with the front. Between this and the walk I took earlier, my calves are fucking sore. That's a greater workout than I might've thought.

 

* More cleaning. Spend hours going through old boxes, not unpacking them as I'm intending to move in the hopefully not too distant future, but seeing what's there and what's really needed, what can be tossed out or donated to make more room. Its amazing the amount of crap you can end up dragging around with you, I found bills from eight years ago, rental agreements from five addresses back, shit I forgot I owned. So much stuff is getting removed. Another day or two of this, and I think I can make from furniture rearrangements to make some of my goals easier to accomplish (hello Bat Cave Part II).

 

* I'm getting that treadmill. So, shortly, I can do my zombie runs again.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Three, Complete. 40 minutes, and maybe another 5 worth of coming out of it.

 

Yesterday ended on a stressful note, with the result that I slept like garbage. And I bruised my knee, so I'll have to take it easy for at least a few days.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Four, Complete. About 40 minutes, I didn't time this one as closely.

 

I've been able to do this at roughly the same time every night so far, within the same two hour period. Tonight, I could glance at the clock and start disengaging my mind from what it was doing. That's all good, but the real key to building any habit, for me, it needs to be able to adapt to my consistently inconsistent schedule. I have to have the option of doing it at any time of the day or night, my mind has to be able to hang on to it and remind itself with no easy external cues like oh its that time of day again. Right now I'm awake overnight, and thus alone and its easy to set the time aside because there is only my own schedule to interrupt; during the day, my room mate might be here, we might both be doing something, and then its a little harder. So many things fail on that alone, you know? It'll be going really well until my schedule changes too much, and its lost in the chaos, and I end up having to start again. And then again, and again, until I either, through whatever mental voodoo, get it to stick, or give up altogether.

 

I'm keeping things small at the moment, I have my eye on completing this challenge and gaining the experience. I would, however, like for it to become a full fledged habit, if at all possible. But even a two week period will raise this problem once, so it bears thinking about, trying to plan ahead as best I'm able.

 

I'm considering another four week challenge. Not this one coming up, maybe the next? The first one I did I completed, but something left my willpower so wiped out I didn't come back to this site for months. If I can figure out what happened there, and what I can do about it, all the better.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Five, Complete. 45 minutes.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Six, Complete. 40 - 45 minutes.

 

Here was the first day timing was a bit screwed up. I did it within the same time frame, but I hadn't been awake as long as other days (only about two hours) and that did impede my ability to focus and relax into it. But I couldn't have put it off until later either, because today is the day the new bed is arriving (yay!) and the morning will be clearing a path for the furniture dudes to come through, followed by the ever popular Waiting Game, which will be the usual most of the rest of the day. Not as successful as other days or not, it was done and hey, almost a week now.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Seven, Complete. 15 - 20 minutes.

 

Ugh. This one almost didn't get done, my greed for experience points push me into it, even if it went much more poorly than other attempts. The new mattress ended up not being the great night I hoped for, its a very different kind to what I was used to and after lying on it for ten minutes or so my mind went what are you, insane? I'm not sleeping on this and then instantly not tired anymore. I had ended up going to bed late as it was, and then tossed and turned for the next six hours, increasingly frustrated and afraid that I wouldn't get to sleep at all - a legitimate fear, that would not be the first time that happened (I think its a side effect of the disorder). Eventually I did, though not enough and I've been feeling it all day. The extra hours put me back awake during the day, and not a day I was alone. There were other problems during the day, that helped make this not anywhere near as successful, but the token effort was there.

 

I'm dreading trying to sleep again. I hope this doesn't suck for too much longer, because we're going to have a hell of a time trying to fix the situation if things do not improve.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Eight, Complete. 15 minutes

 

Once again, it waited until the end of the day. Its kind of awkward to do with someone else here, awake and active in the next room. Tomorrow I'll have time to myself again. Got a lot more cleaning/reorganizing/throwing old shit away done, bought myself a lot more space and in this place every free inch counts. It needs some work yet but I'm kind of proud of myself for this, a little.

 

Had a slightly better night on the new mattress, took some time to get to sleep but not six hours. Not celebrating yet though.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Nine, Complete. 40 minutes

 

All right, back to form. Slept better last night, too.

 

Next week is vacation, five days at the Pacific Ocean, can't wait.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Ten, Complete. 40 minutes.

 

Almost done with this. After vacation, maybe I'll come up with another mini challenge of my own to keep it going. Yes, after vacation, the habit does need to withstand a short upset since those are going to happen. Maybe I'll put it on the epic quest that I've done very little with because fuck, I just don't know what to put on it.

 

Slept even better last night. I think the mattress will work out after all.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Eleven, Complete. 20 minutes.

 

Today sucked, and I waited too long. End of the day exhaustion made it hard to get to into it. But hey, done.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Twelve, Complete. 25 minutes.

[Red Dragoon]

Meditation Challenge

 

Day Thirteen, Complete. 10 minutes

 

Well, better to say that I tried. It was a not alone day, and one filled with last minutes cleaning and beginning vacation preparation. I put it off until the end of the day, which I'm realizing I should not do since I'm kind of useless when I start getting tired and past a certain point if I push to be useful I risk insomnia. Either way, I'm exhausted and my confrontation is shot, But I tried, so I count it. But I'm disappointed enough I might not allow myself to take the experience until Sunday, give it one more day.

 

Had to run a quick errand, just a few blocks around so brought the new shoes out. I know I don't get out enough to get properly used to them, so every chance I can get. So far so good, not in pain, not pushing too hard.

[Red Dragoon]

So....

 

.....yeah.

 

I crapped out on the last day. Or second to last, since I had decided my previous few efforts were subpar. There was a lot more to do before vacation than I thought there would be, I spent most of the day running around, it got pushed back so far and then it was very late at night, I was tired and didn't think it a good idea to ignore that as I already knew I wouldn't be getting enough sleep on departure day and I didn't want to fuck that up anymore than already done.

 

Oh well.

 

*deep breath*

 

I'm not getting hung up on it, when I'm back home I'll try again. Nothing else will be going on in my life for the foreseeable future (knocks on wood) so there should be nothing else getting in the way.

 

But I want some excuse to keep posting progress here. For this week only, how about:

 

How Many Miles Have I Walked on the Beach?

 

I like the sound of that.

 

For today, according to the app on my iCrap: 7.27 miles (17,748 steps)

[Red Dragoon]

How Many Miles Have I Walked on the Beach Today?

 

6.48 (8,909 steps)

 

Less today, but it was very windy and rained sporadically. And by sporadically I mean waited until I was a mile from the hotel before opening up. It did that twice, too.

[Red Dragoon]

How Many Miles Have I Walked on the Beach Today?

 

3.91 (10,585 steps)

 

Yes, I know, there is clearly something wrong in this calculation. But its all I got to go by.

 

It was a really nice day, so there was less walking and more standing in one place, letting the waves hit me.

 

Life Leveling Up Progress

 

* A great deal of this walking I'm doing has either been with the new shoes or bare foot. Granted, a great deal of that walking is on sand and not concrete, but some of it is and I've been able to go a while without switching to regular shoes.

 

* This is the same place I was at that I mentioned before, where I caught sight of myself in a full length mirror and realized it was less I've put on a little weight and more christ what the fuck happened to me. Same hotel, same full length mirror, and another rare occasion to get a good look at myself, since I never allow photos to be taken of me and avoid my reflection at home, not that the mirror there is all that big anyway. I knew things had improved by a whole lot from even the last time I was here, let alone that first time, but it was still good to really see it. Still more work that needs to be done, but a whole lot of the damage has disappeared.

 

Good to know its making a difference, right?

[Kristy Girl]

*fist pump

 

After reading through your log, I just wanted to drop by say how impressed with where you are VS where you started. Don't diminish this moment!  you've made a lot of life changes since you last saw your reflection, you've got this ☺

[Red Dragoon]

How Many Miles Have I Walked on the Beach Today?

 

4.45 (10,897 steps)

 

Another rainy day with a late start. Only one more to go, then I got to go back home. Ugh.

 

Some Good Points

 

* This hotel is awesome. I have been sleeping like shit while here, needed to go back to drugging myself just to make it through five to six hours (and I'm hoping this will fix itself relatively painlessly when I'm back in my own space, set up the way I need it to be), but sleep time keeps changing and I realized this morning I was looking at no sleep on check out day. That's even worse than it sounds, since I'm taking a bus back to the city that doesn't arrive until the evening, so that always means a whole day out and running around waiting until its time to go, no opportunity to rest for the entire day, not until I'm home again around nine. Even the thought of it was painful, so we went to the person in charge here to see if there was anything at all that could be done, and they were nice enough to pull some strings. We had to change rooms but I'll get a few extra hours in this one, not a lot but maybe enough for four to five hours of sleep before I need to bounce out of bed and fly out the door. That's leagues better than nothing at all.

 

* A writing one, but a big deal to me. I saw this morning someone recommended my work on one of those lists that collects story recommendations. There are a few lists I glance through on the off chance that something interesting will be there, I never expected to see myself on the list, it was something of a surprise. I recognize the name from a frequent commenter on one of the sites I post on, now wondering if I should shoot her a message, hey saw that, thanks. Or something...

 

I go back and forth between feeling pretty good about the writing and being horribly discouraged - yet I'm still working on it. I tell myself, and most of the time I know it is true, I'm used to no encouragement and if only three people are reading it, well those are three more people than I ever thought would care. Other times its a little bit harder, if you're somewhere that prides itself on being very supportive and, you can see it happening around you, but it never quite manages to touch you, and you've been there a while. And I get it, to an extent. Part of it is because it is about popularity, you have to be active on the boards and make friends with everyone, and I don't have the energy for that, even if I felt very comfortable there, and I don't. Nothing against them, its a decent place, I just don't seem to have anything in common with them and that makes me reluctant to join in conversations about life and shit so that everything I say is against the grain, uncomfortable or just plain the wrong thing to say (been there, done that) - its a rare community nowadays that I'm okay with talking in, like this one. The other reason would be content, and that I understand even more. I hadn't realized until I was there a while that, as of now at any rate, a limited number of genres are popular with the userbase (or the frequent posters there) and other things are mostly abhorred; elements of my work fall into that abhorred category, and it doesn't include much of the loved genres since they are things I personally find boring.

 

I've grown to loath getting reviews from people who are just starting to read it, especially if they're already gushing praise. The little countdown clock starts in the corner of my mind as I can follow their progress (through the feedback left) and oh look, finished the first part, moving into the second and three...two...one, and gone! Yeah, I knew it. And that's if they just leave quietly, most do but there's been one or two. I've been able to identify the exact point where this happens if its going to happen at all, and the funny thing is nothing particularly gruesome even happens there, but I guess its just enough to make it obvious that both bad things are a-coming and that those clear moral lines you want and need will not be present. None of this should come as a surprise as I'm very upfront about it, in as many words, and yet people don't see it, or think I'm kidding (I don't know which, I've never asked, and I should, "It says contains graphic violence right there on the title page, if you have no stomach for it why did you read it?"), start it assuming from the opening its a cute love story until they realize its not. Having that happen a number of times is also discouraging, in some ways more so than being overlooked. Its discouraging even as I understand and have always known that I'm writing for a niche audience. I shrug it off and I keep working, but the cycle keeps happening.

 

Little things like this, one of those three people (I don't really know how many people it is) deciding it was worth recommending, trying to drum up some support, it helps. It really, really does.

[Red Dragoon]

How Many Miles Have I Walked on the Beach Today? - Final Edition

 

3.92 (10,384 steps)

 

Now, no more walking.

 

(okay, not really. the new treadmill will be here sometime this next week, I'd like to actually finish my zombie runs 10k training at some point)

 

Not thrilled to be home again, but that's the way it has to be right now. It was on the first vacation that I also realized how much this city is making me miserable and I do not want to live here anymore, so returning again is another little dig. I have made a lot of progress on the future moving front, money for moving is all set to go, we're waiting mostly on my room mate - adopted family person's job, which might cooperate and let her work remotely / transfer to an office in a different city / let her work remotely for a limited amount of time, buying her up to six months to find another job. There have been changes in supervisors since we started this plan, for a while there it was an asshole who made things really difficult, but she's got a decent person there now who is seeing what can be done. Eventually, we'll get to a point where drastic measures have to be taken, but we're not there quite yet (in another year, yes, I won't do another full year here, but by then we should, hopefully have enough in savings for something to live off of for a little while, if we have to).

 

I'm taking a day or two of rest (maybe catch up on some seriously needed sleep), then it'll be Meditation Challenge Part II - The Revenge.

[Red Dragoon]

I slept so wonderfully last night. In that respect, if no other, I'm kind of glad to be back.

 

And because walking isn't quite done yet...

 

How Many Miles Have I Walked on the Cold Concrete Today?

 

Little over two miles (6,200 steps approximately)

 

It turned midnight while I was still out, my progress is split.

 

Seems I'm still feeling the get out and do something bug, bit of run off from being so active over vacation. Talked to the room mate and we went for a walk, only this time instead of walking toward civilization (and I live between two major streets loaded with bars and restaurants) we went into the hills and walked along residential streets that, this late at night,were quiet. No people, no stress. Walked up until we hit the industrial area, went to the next block, walked back. Along the way we came across a staircase, off the sidewalk on the hill all the way down to the street below, it was a fairly steep staircase. I went up and down three times for extra measure, half felt like dying, then walked the rest of the way home. All in the minimal shoes, too, that is getting easier and so far so good.

 

That could be a good route to take sometimes, and the staircase offers additional exercise benefits. If this keeps up, and the bug usually does fade, and not just from the mental grind that living here is. I still do, and always have, struggled with keeping the enthusiasm for physical activity. I lean toward apathy and isolationism (its connected somewhat, in general so much of activity always involves coming into contact with, or needing the cooperation of, other people - one mountain at a time, okay).

 

The scale has stayed put for two months now. Its been disappointing, now its annoying. Time to move on. I've lost the weight I have by controlling my diet and limiting calories, anticipating that exercise would be harder and shouldn't be relied upon for the first. Now, maybe its time to try it more and see if it will get the scale moving downward again. Been poking around the forum for ideas of what I can do with the diet. Intermittent fasting isn't going to work, I know that already and would rather avoid it, but maybe attempt to eat a little more? Or add a small amount of additional calories with as little food as I can get away with (more nuts, maybe?). I don't know, have to think about it. Try to focus on exercise, figuring out how to keep that going. That's the next big hurdle, its not going to be fun.

 

On another front, I rejoined a group today that I'd been a (quiet, background) part of years ago now in some attempt to expose myself to people with a similar interest, albeit on the internet. I'm testing this out, while I drifted away from the particular group under good terms just happened that way, the broader mutual interest community (vague vagueness) I did pull away from deliberately, being dominated by miserable people and going in directions I didn't want to be a part of. I've been told this group has remained the same and the issues I had before aren't in play there, so I'm giving it a chance while ready to pull the plug if I need to. Not getting sucked into that shit again, no way no how.

[Red Dragoon]

I've done that walk every day so far. Its a two mile walk, somewhere around 6,000 steps (varies a little), up and down the hillside staircase two to three times depending how I feel. Its been good timing for it, late evening when I'm not brain dead and the room mate family person thing can come out with me. It won't be as easy when my schedule changes, but if nothing else, if I can keep it going until Friday the treadmill should arrive then. And I'll have the route as an option, if I want it.

 

Been trying to power through a writing section that just sucks, isn't coming out the way I want it, needs a rewrite but I'm so close to the end of the chapter that I just want it done.

 

Have some plans stirring around for stuff, getting things done or started that I want done or started. Trying to put them in some order so I don't end up with too much at once. I'll get back to the Meditation Challenge II: The Revenge, I figured taking the week to get my sleep and shit back in order before trying again.

[Red Dragoon]

Walking again, when I wasn't awake for quite as long as I had been prior. Could've used another hour or more, but it was running late as it was. Just another reminder that I will never be (for better or worse) one of those people who can roll out of bed right into a work out. Slugging along with less energy for most of it. Could've been worse, and I did it.

 

One more time will fulfill my obligation, then the treadmill should arrive and I can plan to try and finish the Run Zombies 5k training (it'll be the third try).

[Red Dragoon]

Final obligatory walk complete.

 

I half thought I might have to cancel, through no fault of my own. There had been reports of bad weather on the horizon, torrential rains and hurricane force winds were a possibility and that is the sort of thing that would keep me indoors. The amount of rain tonight was normal, and I was able to fulfill my self imposed obligation.

 

Now, let's hope the rest of the weekend holds up...

[Red Dragoon]

And so the treadmill arrived....

 

And putting it together was a hand tearing, rage inducing, kill spree motivating nightmare. I remember it said in a review it was hard to assemble, and I'm no stranger to putting together exercise equipment (I used to do so very regularly, when my mother purchased a lot of current fad future clothing racks, she couldn't use a tool to save her life so it was always passed to me), but this was miserable. With two people it took fucking hours, after which we swore solemn vows to not buy anything that requires assembly for a long time to come.

 

And in an additional problem, it is huge. I knew it would be bigger than the cheap thing that crapped out on me a few months back, but anything that looked like it would last longer than a few months was big and this was still one of the smaller ones. Now that its in the shoebox though, most of that new room I found through cleaning and organizing is gone. And its not going to be as mobile as the cheap one was either. For one thing, I'm not sure it can fit in the bedroom door, not without a second person, creative angling and a lot of hassle. Folded up, its taller than me (I'm not short, either), even when I can pull it down far enough the control panel is also very large and I can't see where I'm going around it if I try to push it forward. That's unfortunate, but workable. Its now sitting where the old one was taking up almost double the space, even folded its most of the kitchen. I can squeeze in the space between it and the shelves, my room mate can not.

 

There is one possibility for making this easier. There was one more thing on the list of big purchases that need to be made at some point, and that is a new couch. My couch is six years old and broken, even my ability to live with discomfort is being tested by it. It is also bigger than what we really need, at the time it was bought sure but situations change, new furniture is acquired, I'm the only one using it now and I don't need three cushions. I only use two, one for me and one for stuff I'm immediately using, we can definitely downgrade to a loveseat. Hoping that if we do, we can move the tv table forward and maybe store the treadmill in the corner behind it, it'll be out of the way and we can just drag it out to use. If that doesn't quite work, well we can try a few more options in our limited space. That will still require us to live with it in the middle for everything for at least a week, maybe a little more. We have found a sofa that would work and is cheap, but we'd have to go to the place to purchase it, this weekend's not looking good for it with the weather so it'll have to wait until Friday, and we would also have to arrange for the old one to be removed.

 

But, on to the good things, It is a much better model than the other one. I know it has more features I haven't played with yet, its quieter, and its faster. Much faster. And I didn't even realize just how poorly the other one ran, speeds that on that one were barely a step above standing perfectly still are a fast walk here. And that was helpful when I started (about a year ago now, running occasionally that is) and I was very overweight and had hardly moved in years let alone ever run before, but I did move past it very quickly so I'm glad again for the new one.

 

To my surprise, I think I actually like running - or the walk-run-walk-run-walk-run things this program I keep trying to do is. I'm never going to want to do marathons, but 30-50 minutes of this is not bad. I find it meditative, I can get into that headspace pretty easily there and use the time to either think something through (novel plotting, mostly) or just mentally relax. That's why I don't get bored with it like other people do (its some of the same mental benefits I've heard people say they get out of yoga, which I think is boring). Is it a thing I've been able to do very regularly? No, but that's always been a greater problem with a lot of separate parts. It is something I have kept coming back to, every time I've fallen off the wagon, I mean here I am ready to for the third try to complete the 5k training course. That's important enough.

 

I think its that meditative quality that might give it an edge. I didn't get that with bodyweight work outs. Those are something I know I should do, I want the results they give. Maybe if I can hack my brain so it gets some sort of cookie out of the deal, it'll be more interested in continuing? Obviously not a light meditative trance, but something? Got a few angles to maybe try from (you don't want to be weak, right? dress it up differently, but I still think that's the big red mental button that needs to get pushed).

 

Well, since I do want to finish the Zombies Run 5k sometime before the actual apocalypse, and I've been all mouthy here on my thread lately (and some people seem to be reading it, for some unknown reason ) why don't I report progress here and see if third time is the charm?

 

24 Runs Later: Training of the Living Dead (featuring zombies)

 

(yeah, I'm hilarious )

 

Week One, Lesson One complete. And then some, since the iCrap hit my thigh while in my pocket at some point and turned the app off and it was a little while before I noticed.

 

Its an every other day thing, but I'll try to do something tomorrow (and e-brag about it).

 

Note, the meditation challenge will still happen. I haven't forgotten about it, but another challenge I want to try to take elsewhere has a similar requirement so I may wait a bit while I'm still preparing for that other (larger, and longer) challenge, so it can count toward both.