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CrazyMags

How do you control the "beast" in your head?

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I figure that there will possibly be more traffic with the open just finishing up... I need some help...

I will summarize: I noticed pain in my hip when I was squatting, so I stopped. My coach has been awesome, he's honestly the best person out there to scale shit for broken people like me...

The problem is that that was over 2 months ago...

I'm seeing a chiropractor and physical therapist, and they are both crossfitters and seem very knowledgable... They are working on my squat from the "ground up" by starting with my fucked up ankles (broke both of them as a kid, screws in one = shit for flexibility...)

Coach, Chiro, PT all agree: no squatting, no lifting from the ground, and take it easy on overdoing stuff using my hip or ankles... That means... Basically do nothing fun except arms and abs... (Squats and deads are my favs :( )

I (like lots of people I'm sure...) always struggle with having to scale, feeling fat and weak and "like a leper" (coach's terminology...) the beast in my head is strong... Lately, with all the extreme scaling, it's a damn Hercules in my head...

I'm either

a) angry when the workout is hard and I'm last or

B) angry when the scaling is easy and I'm first...

How do you get over it?

My box is going through some tough issues, I'm always that happy/cheerful one that says hello to everyone, gives all the fist bumps, tells all the jokes... And that's at 5am!

My coach even mentioned, when I asked what I could do to help, that my positive attitude is the most valuable help I could give, and I'm already doing it...

But I'm finding it hard to stay that positive, happy/cheerful member when I feel like a broken loser all the time...

Help me NerdFitters! Before the beast consumes me!

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Personally I like perceiving most sessions at the box as "practice" rather than a "workout". Maybe it's my Asian mentality of putting a turbo on a Honda Civic (and living my life a quarter-mile at a time) rather than a bigger engine and more horsepower on an American muscle car. I'm not that athletic, so I might as well move well and efficiently so I can at least keep up. This idea of virtuosity was particularly reinforced when I went to the CF Gymnastics course and they really pushed the idea of practice.

 

To put it in perspective I never really trained my Snatch. I would credit my bodyweight Snatch from just doing the Burgener Warmup six days a week (and good hip and ankle mobility). Yeah, sometimes I feel like I didn't get my money's worth because I'm not tired or sore or anything, and I want to try to push the envelope, but I suppose that's when self-discipline comes in. When you think of your training as a

lifetime endeavor you tend to stop trying to montage your way into everything.

 

Besides, sometimes sandbagging a workout is fun. You get to really push yourself on a movement you can actually perform well.

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I never sandbag a workout, because if I did I'd never finish the WOD in time for the class to end... I'm the most out of shape of everyone in my class... Even though I've been at it for almost 3 years now... And others have just started...

So when I finish first, in my mind I didn't earn it because I didn't work hard enough...

If I finish last, my mind tells me that I'm fat and lazy etc etc etc.

I've been tired and sore for almost 3 years now... But now I'm actually injured and can't do anything fun, which makes the beast beat me down even more.... Maybe I am the only one that has this monologue in their heads?

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Sometimes life isn't happy or cheerful. Sometimes it's hard, and not fun, and in those times, you just have to make a fist, clench your teeth, get mad, and push slowly and steadily.
And yeah, I can understand the whole "voices in my head" thing.


Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time a man was taking his daily jog, when he decided to go a little further than usual. You see, he would jog on a city block, but only to the corner and back, which was a little less than a mile (or 1.6 KM), and relatively flat; nice and easy. This day however, he decided he'd run the full city block. With renewed vigor he jogged past the corner, and down the street.

However, the man forgot that the next leg of his journey was tremendously difficult. You see, the road he was jogging on was incredibly steep; nearly 90 degrees. With each step he took on the sidewalk, he dropped a little further. His legs ached, his back in torment, his sides cramping from dehydration. When he finally made it to the bottom, he was tired, and sore. However, the worst part was when he looked up, as he realized the jog home would be another 1.5 miles (2.4 KM), all uphill. Defeated, he dropped his head, and began walking home.

... And that's when the little voice in his head chimed in.

"Well Bob, you've done it now." the voice said. "You couldn't be happy with just going to the corner and back, could you? No, you had to go a little further. You just had to go the full block. Now look where you are. Slugging it up a hill, tired, sore, and in pain. I sure hope this is what you wanted, because you got it man. Well done. Bravo."

Now, this man had taken crap from everyone throughout his life: His family, his teachers, his peers, his coworkers, his superiors, but he would be damned if he took any crap from himself. So, in that moment, he clenched his fists as tight as he could, and began jogging up the seemingly never-ending hill, with a pace slow, and sloppy.

"Oh you're jogging again eh? Yeah, we'll see how long this lasts." the voice said. "You know you can't do it. Why are you even trying?" But the man didn't listen. He just clenched his fists harder, and kept moving. As he got closer to the top, the more in pain he was. But he also noticed, as he got closer, the voice got quieter.

Half-way up the hill, nearly his entire body aching from dehydration, he clenched his fists even harder. Further and further, he kept going, until he finally made it to the top of the hill, to the driveway into his apartment complex, and with his fists thrown into the air, he screamed at the top of his lungs:

"YEAH! YEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!!! YOU AIN'T SAYING MOTHER FUCKING SHIT NOW, ARE YOU?!?!?!"

...

... And in that moment, he heard something.

...

... Nothing...

Nothing but the wind, blowing through the trees, and the sound of a car driving in the distance.

In case you haven't figured it out, the man is me, and that little bastard in my head, hasn't said anything to this very day.

The morale of the story is that if you want to silence your inner demons, you can't tell them to shut up.

You have to make them.

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@Machete I think we are talking about the beast of negative self-talk. Crazy Mags, I'm going to ask a question. What would it be like if you did something other than CrossFit for fitness? Not being able to squat or deadlift is killing you right now. Why not do something different for a while? I'm unsure if your people are telling you no squat or deadlift now or if they are saying to never do them again. That of course makes a difference.

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1) sorry I didn't see this, tapatalk hasn't been sending me notifications...

2) Yes@machete we are talking about self loathing... If only I had the "beast mode" voice inside me!

3)Thanks for the story Tank! Yes, sometimes I can beat down that voice... Or prove it wrong... Though right now I have a hard time telling whether my hesitation to work harder or do something more risky in the hip department is honestly listening to my body, or all in my head...

As for doing something different, it's something I've toyed with, except that Crossfit is the first sport that I have ever enjoyed doing... The people at my gym are why I keep going, even when I feel so discouraged...

Deadlifting and squatting are my favorite things... So it sucks being unable to do them (for now). I'm physical therapist shopping, so hopefully I will find someone who can help me get back to doing what I love!

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On 6/5/2016 at 5:07 PM, CrazyMags said:

2) Yes@machete we are talking about self loathing... If only I had the "beast mode" voice inside me!

 

Ah. Can't help you there, bud. You know I'm the worst at that.

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