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I did it. I didn't fall for the cravings yesterday. I feel fantastic to say the least. Besides the fact that I woke up today with the suspicion that a hedgehog has crawled into my throat and nested there (sore throat ftl) I feel good. Finally the last day before vacation and holy crap I need it. I need sleep! Went to bed at 8.30 pm last night and slept like a baby. Also the colder weather is getting the better I sleep. There you go....once a northener, always a northener. I don't understand how people sleep well in like Thailand and such. I don't think I ever could...

 

Also....today is Fastfood Friday. And I don't want it. But I want something that is a little naughty, you know? But not like a whole pizza or burger or something. But I can't figure out what I want. Plus, right now the idea of cooking is horrible. I would rather just crawl into my couch and watch stupid reality-shows on TV and eat icecream. But that isn't going to get me where I want to go. Like ever. So right now I'm confused as fudge. What do I get tonight? Do I get anything at all? Or just fuck it all and stick to this road I've started going down on...urgh...I hate it when this happens.

 

On the other hand I have been doing really well with the pledge not to drink my calories. No soda och alcohol this week at all. And I will stick to it. One thing at a time. The thing I drink that isn't water is like tea with milk (and honey today due to my throat) and yesterday I had a glass of milk. Right now I'm not mad at that at all. I feel like I can finally do this. One babystep at a time.

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34 minutes ago, Adrianne said:

What do I get tonight? Do I get anything at all? Or just fuck it all and stick to this road I've started going down on...urgh...I hate it when this happens.

.....

Right now I'm not mad at that at all. I feel like I can finally do this. One babystep at a time.

 

My advice to you would be to stick to your plan. If you're anything like me, the more junk you eat, the more you want so why would you open the gates to temptation if there isn't really anything you have your heart set on? Keep eating good nutritious food until your cravings happen to fall on a Fast Food Friday, this is what I would do. 

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If it's not siesta or fiesta, I'm not interested. 

Profile picture credit : NF's resident super artist - NinjaKitten

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31 minutes ago, deftona said:

 

My advice to you would be to stick to your plan. If you're anything like me, the more junk you eat, the more you want so why would you open the gates to temptation if there isn't really anything you have your heart set on? Keep eating good nutritious food until your cravings happen to fall on a Fast Food Friday, this is what I would do. 

 

*nods* This is very very true. Right now I have no interest what so ever in anything bad so why should I get anything? Thank you. :) Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out the damn obvious stuff to make you see them. :)

 

Plus....I'm starting my hunt for a weddingdress next week...so no way in hell I'd want to be bloated then. ;)

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On 12 August 2016 at 7:18 AM, Adrianne said:

Besides the fact that I woke up today with the suspicion that a hedgehog has crawled into my throat and nested there (sore throat ftl) I feel good.

 

OMG! I know that feeling, but I have the perfect concoction to make it disappear:

- Green tea (or Oolong tea) 

- Manuka Honey

- Lemon juice

- Ginger pieces

 

Drink it and it'll disappear! Unless you're allergic to any of those.... then it would probably get worse... please don't drink it if allergic!!!! :P 

Congratulations on resisting the temptations and go go go go dress hunting yay :D 

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Time for an update I feel. It was more then twoo weeks ago I wrote anything at all here, I need to get better at that. *makes mental note*

 

Alot of things has happened since I last wrote. And it is a mess. Utter and complete....confusion. But at the same time not. Let me try to explaine. So the last two weeks I've been on vacation, finally. It was great. The first week I felt like shit. Was down, sad, didn't want to do jack shit. The first three days I just sat around and played games, cuddled with the kitties and just drank tea more or less. On wednesday that week I went to see the dietitian and it didn't look good. But they again I don't know. We just did a blind weigh-in and saved the little paper strip that came out, we'll look at it again today. That was horrible. I felt....hideous. But I'm not sure if it came from the fact that I got on a scale or the previous days of fuckall-ness. I did however meet up with my best friend and we went dresshunting. And....I found it. That was awesome! More about that later, the sad stuff first so we can get that out of the way.

 

During the weekend there was this little local fair that my future hubby helped arange so we did alot of work around there. It was fun. Saturday was a big dance in the local "folkets park", like folk-park, with a band, games and hotdogs. Very nice indeed. I just wish I danced...*le sigh*. On monday last week we were supposed to help clean up the place and put stuff away. Said and done we went down and helped out. It was fun. But this brings me to the big "holy shit what just happened?!". I was tasked with cleaning up inside a little shop they had used as a storage during the fair so there were empty cans and trash everywhere. And as I bent over to pick something up I almost fell over. I got so dizzy I couldn't see properly, everything got hazy, I broke into a cold sweat and I lost the feeling in my left arm and it started aching over the left side of my chest...yeah...it happened. I had to sit down for a good 15 minutes before I could stand up but that was the scariest thing I have ever felt in my life.

 

So let's get this straight - I know I'm obese. Even if my bloodpreassure and bloodtests are a-ok I'm still obese. I'm still putting a strain om my body that is hurting it. I have known this for years but there is a difference between knowing and KNOWING. I have never been so scared in my life and I never want to end up there again. So I turned my life around. I stopped drinking anything but tea and water about 3 weeks ago and that is good. I've started taking into consideration that I might not live until I'm 35 if this goes on. And since this monday I'm of candy. I'm not going to say sugar because I still eat bread and stuff like that but I haven't had a single piece of candy since saturday night. I had pie on sunday, that is why I'm counting monday as first day off. And here we are. I'm of the candy and sweets and so far I feel good about it.

 

I'm still not sure about what to do next regarding the chestpains but as for now I'll just take it easy, focus on the food and let the rest sort itself out. If I get a feeling like that again ofc I will go to the hospital but right now I....I need to get my head around this. I'm ok now though. :)

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

On to something a bit more fun! I found the dress! :D The seamstress I had contacted about trying out dresses were super nice. She had told me beforehand that she didn't really have anything in my size int he store right now, it beeing the middle of wedding-season and all, but me and my best friend still went to look. And oh boy am I glad we did! The dresses she showed us first were all super pretty but nothing for me. They were...too much! I've always wanted this really flowy thing as a wedding dress but all the traditional ones were really heavy and stale to say the least. I want movement, happiness, joy. Not....frumpyness. :P So after a while the seamstress looked at me, grinned and said "I have just the thing for you, wait here! and bolted off. Back she came with a magazine for evening gowns! And holy cheescake they were purdy! So we looked at them and she told me that I could get anyone of them in white or ivory if I wanted to AND that they were like under half the prize of a regular wedding dress. So a normal dress here goes between 7000-15000 swedish kronor. This gown was between 3000-4000 swedish kronor! Like...hello! YAAAS! So I loved it, I went home and I haven't been able to thing about anything but it since. And then...like thursday last week...the lady texted me saying she would get an exact dress like the one I wanted, white and everything, into the store in a size 16. Right now I'm a size 22. But she wanted me to come in and just slip it on at least so I could see it from the front. And I did!

 

Yesterday we went and I tried it on and even if it was way to small and I felt squished into it I can honestly say I have found it. That is my dress. I took some pictures I thought that I was going to show you all because I feel like I need input. And the hubby in question doesn't want to see it before the big day. And even if I'm a curious bastard and want to show him everything I also want that suprised look on his face....damnit. :P This is hard! But anyway gais, what do you think about it?

         20160830_165746_zpsxhq4h6yu.jpg                                 20160830_1651511_zpsqvqihagm.jpg

 

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Why is that when everything ACTUALLY is going good and I'm steady in what I eat - I crash? Last week I did awesome. Didn't even have to think about not eating sweets, I wasn't even interested in them at all. I had a piece of cake on a birthday party on saturday and then a piece of homemade blueberry blondie at home and that was on saturday. It went fantastic! And even if that happened - I still feel like I want to kill someone today? How is that?

 

*le sigh*

I'm guessing it's that time of the month again or something like it. Anyways.

 

I have been doing really good with the rule not to drink my calories. I haven't had a drop of soda or alcohol in almost 4 weeks now and I need to give myself a pat on the back for that. I'm trying to keep the sweets down to a minimum and last week was fantastic. This week...I think I need to sink my teeth in a little and just go with it. One thing I do however notice is that I have gotten better at getting food homemade and snacks done and brought with me to work. This makes it easier for me to stay on track. I'm not saying that I've cleaned up every piece of my diet and that I eat like a fucking Godess, nah bruh. I just mean I'm doing ok with what I can right now. :)

 

Also glad I got the dude with me in this, finally. We haven't had fastfood in a few weeks either. Usually when one of us craves it the other one talks him/her out of it. Like yesterday - ermagerd I could have done anything for a pizza! But he then said no and we had something else. Good on him. Because a pizza would just have given me anxiety afterwards, totally not worth it.

 

Regarding the weigh-ins - I'm doing it once a week at home, first thing monday morning, and then every other week at my dietitians place. That way I feel like I get enough insight to wtf is going on with me.

 

I do however miss working out. But I can't seem to find the energy for it at all anymore. It sucks. And well...I can't really be arsed to be honest. It sucks but I'm not going to lie about it. I do however want to start swimming again. They have this thing they do at the local pool/gym that tuseday and thirsday nights they close the pool off to kids, 18+ only. They turn town the lights, put on slow music and omg it's so cozy! And since I'm not swimming to get better at speed but to just move and feel weightless for a little while it is perfect. Might actually go on thursday if I can. Yeah....I'll do that.

 

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Things has gone very much up and down lately and I'm feeling rather irritated with myself that I just can't stop eating things that I know are bad for me. But even in that regard I'm still happy, or trying to be happy at least, about some of the stuff I'm doing right now. For example I'm doing awesome with the promise to myself to not drink my calories. The only thing I'm drinking now is water, tea with milk and now and then a glass of carbonated water. It feels really nice to be honest.

 

Regarding food otherwise last week was hell. Had a mental breakdown, PTSD kicked me in the face a few times over and I reverted back to my old habit of eating to calm myself. Not the best thing ever but it happened. And I need to take a deep breath and move on. Nothing ever good comes from me getting stuck in my own head and beating myself up over it. Nothing ever does. So therefore I did the best thing I could this weekend - I did mealprep. Alot of it. And I'm glad for that.

 

Onto what I made! Me and the dude made a huge batch of chicken lasagna and a big meatloaf. I think it ended up with like 8 portions each. So that, right there, is 4 days of food to us both lunch and dinner. That means I can make something else on thursday night, I think it will be salmon, and then we can cook what we feel like over the weekend. I also did a big bowl of chopped veg, easy to take with me to work and to have at home. I'll probably have to refill it later on this week but at least there is something now.

 

I also had a lengthy conversation with my therapist last week over the phone and he told me to remember to breathe. That it is ok to not do everything at once and it is ok to stumble and fall. It is ok to fail. Because failing just means you've learned something. And he told me to keep focusing on one thing at a time, just one, and that maybe now that I felt like I had the thing with soda and acohol down, maybe I could try to remove something else? Just one thing.

 

So I've been thinking about that and I like it. I like the idea of just doing one thing at a time. So from today on I have decided to take out icecream. I love it but I can never have it in moderation. Ever. It's either nothing of a fucking pint of Ben & Jerry's. Not ok. Therefore that's the next thing that goes.

 

All in all I'm feeling good today and motivated. Food will go fine, every little thing that I remove is one less thing to get me into trouble. And every little movement I do beyond what I usually do is a good thing. Baby steps. Always baby steps.

 

OH! RIGHT! Fun thing! I was talking to an really old friend this weekend and I was heaving my heart out about how bad I am and how crap I was doing. She just listened to me and calmly explained that I had changed so damn mych in the last 4 years it's insane. I didn't know what she meant until she told me this: "Lisa, right now you are on the right path, doing things that are good for you but still struggeling. And that is ok! I just want you to remember that 4 years ago, when you were living in Holland, you were so misserable that you were eating Nutella with a spoon out of the jar...."

8zd54.jpg

 

Myeah...I need to see myself with kinder eyes. :P

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@ admin/mod:  this should have been one post; but I could not exit the "quotation field", even with the /quote code... 
 

Quote

 


Also the colder weather is getting the better I sleep. There you go....once a northener, always a northener. I don't understand how people sleep well in like Thailand and such. I don't think I ever could...
 



so, in reference to the quote above:

This is also my problem. Heat? Pure stress. and just want to get the f... out of the sun and into the shadow. Workouts in the summer? Only before sunrise or after sunset. Summer nights? Impossible to get enough sleep. 
Even my studies suffer. Some days I just wrap myself in wet towels, lies on the bed and hope to survive until dusk. You're obviously not very efficent at getting things done when surviving is the only priority... And I'm very easily irrited, get mad far to easily and tend to shout at anybody. Heat is torture. Mersault could have been me...

On the other hand, during my military service I have survived a night in the woods without a tent at -20°C. And there are pictures of me, standing hip-deep in the snow, clearing some fallen trees after a storm - and taking my jacket of at -27°C, because it was to warm. 
And I'm not even a northerner. I have dark hair and eyes and my skin get's brown (and never sunburnt) even at the slightest ray of sunshine, and I've had people ask me if I were from Italy or Latin America... Obviously not; I'd not survive even five minutes there.  
So no northerner, but I can totally relate to this. (Mina föräldrar flyttade till Västergötland när min far var pensionär. So kanske jag är en nordbo efter allt, även med en tysk pass...)

Regarding your fitness and health journey: it seems like you are on the right track. Quitting soda, avoiding processed food (doing the cooking yourself, instead) and reducing candy are very efficient steps. I, too, can totally relate to how difficult quitting these are. My wife can eat one cookie and then she stops and does not eat anything sugary for the rest of the day. I can't.  Once I start eating anything sweet, I eat ALL there is. The only solution for me is not to have anything sweet at home, which doesn't bother me at all, because I have no desire for them ( I just can't stop when I start eating them.) . Unlike her. So we have sweets at home, but she hides them from me. :barbershop_quartet_
And if I have some sweets as an exception, it takes me a week or two to fight through the withdrawal until I regain my previous "I am not interested in sweets at all" - status. Sugar is mean... 

Your proposed schedule - combining gym and swimming - looks doable, to. Just keep in mind that you do not need to punish yourself at every workout. If you feel like skipping a workout because you are too tired, so be it. (Just don't make a habit of skipping. Never twice in a row.) Swimming is also easily scalabe - be it a full and demanding endurance  workout, eiher steady state or   HIIT,  or just some calm floating around as active recovery, that is more recreation and fun than sport... you can adjust the swimming to your body's needs, so that you do not burn out.

There is something I do not understand, however: you mentioned  that you would really like to start training with free weigths. What is holding you back? The earlier you start, the better. Machines guide you through the motion, which has the advantage, that it is nearly impossible to hurt yourself while doing the exercise. That's an advantage for the gym owner, obviously. However, as the machine does all the stabilizing for you, you may gain strength, but your body never learned how to use it in real life. No imagine a situation where you might need strength, like pick up up somethig heavy at work or while renovating your home, and there's no machine to guide you - that's when injuries happen. 
Starting with free weights means you have to learn proper form first before you can move to challenging weights.  Doing that early on in your fitness journey means you loose much less than if you switch later and have to scale back weights drastically... 
So - if you like the barbell as much as you seem to do - get a proper coach and start. It's fun. (And as nice side effect, the next time you feel like being judged by others for you'r weight, you may simply think/say: "yeah, right. I know I'm twice your weight, barbie girl, but I can lift twice your body weight as well. Any questions?") :beaten:

Rowing, rucking, running, lifting heavy stuff. Why not do it all?

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18 hours ago, turboseize said:

And I'm not even a northerner. I have dark hair and eyes and my skin get's brown (and never sunburnt) even at the slightest ray of sunshine, and I've had people ask me if I were from Italy or Latin America... Obviously not; I'd not survive even five minutes there.  

So no northerner, but I can totally relate to this. (Mina föräldrar flyttade till Västergötland när min far var pensionär. So kanske jag är en nordbo efter allt, även med en tysk pass...)

 

Västergötland är sååå vackert! Jag pluggade där i ett år och har en del vänner i Trollhättan. Mycket vacker natur, jag vill tillbaka. ;) Livsmål - köpa ett hus med ett torn vid havet. :D Bor du där just nu?

 

18 hours ago, turboseize said:

My wife can eat one cookie and then she stops and does not eat anything sugary for the rest of the day. I can't.  Once I start eating anything sweet, I eat ALL there is. The only solution for me is not to have anything sweet at home, which doesn't bother me at all, because I have no desire for them ( I just can't stop when I start eating them.) . Unlike her. So we have sweets at home, but she hides them from me. :barbershop_quartet_

And if I have some sweets as an exception, it takes me a week or two to fight through the withdrawal until I regain my previous "I am not interested in sweets at all" - status. Sugar is mean...

 

Uhm yah. Sugar is super mean. I've realised that my withdrawl becomes too fierce if I try to kick it all at once, therefore I'm trying to do the "exclude one thing at a time"-strategy. That way I can focus on one thing and not feel overwhelmed. And that is a big thing for me. I'm usually all or nothing but apparently I can't handle that so I tend to crash and burn instead. I don't have the mental fortitude to do it. So I'll choose this road instead. :)

 

Oh yeah, and PS: Goddamn your wife! :P I wish I was like her. But nah. I'm glad it works out for her though, even if I'm utterly jealous. ;)

 

18 hours ago, turboseize said:

Starting with free weights means you have to learn proper form first before you can move to challenging weights.  Doing that early on in your fitness journey means you loose much less than if you switch later and have to scale back weights drastically... 

So - if you like the barbell as much as you seem to do - get a proper coach and start. It's fun. (And as nice side effect, the next time you feel like being judged by others for you'r weight, you may simply think/say: "yeah, right. I know I'm twice your weight, barbie girl, but I can lift twice your body weight as well. Any questions?") :beaten:

 

Oh I have started! Not really super many sessions yet but I got really good help from a coach at the company gym. I'm just going to get my shit together and get back there. Vacation happened and yeah...been hard getting on the training wagon again after that. But I'll do my best. :) She put in a few things for me, some bench press and some "pick stuff up from the floor, put it down" things. I'm enjoying a hell of alot! The plan is to move into that kind of workout further down the line but right now top priority is just to get my ass to the gym and actually DO something. :P

 

And btw....THANK YOU for your awesome end lengthy post! I love it!

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UPDATE!!!!!

 

I went to the dietitian yesterday and did a weigh in. I had lost 0,2 kg since the last time I was there and then we need to take into consideration that it was the Lingonberryweek AND the anxietyinduced eating this weekend. So myeah, I'm happy! Plus we did measurements just to see where I was at and here is where the interesting thing starts happening.

 

Ok, so the measurements we take on me are: Bust, "thinwaist" (smallest part of my hourglass figure), waist at belly button and hips.

Bust: Same. Hips: Same: Thinwaist: -1 cm. Waist: -4 cm!!!

LOLWUT.jpg?1297309019

 

My dietitian was all like

Girl-Meme-20.jpg

 

So yeah! The scale wasn't having it but the tape measure doesn't lie. Score for that one!

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4 hours ago, Adrianne said:

 

Västergötland är sååå vackert! Jag pluggade där i ett år och har en del vänner i Trollhättan. Mycket vacker natur, jag vill tillbaka. ;) Livsmål - köpa ett hus med ett torn vid havet. :D Bor du där just nu?

 


 

Nej, tyvärr inte. Jag pendlar mellan Berlin och München (min fru arbetar i München, jag studerar i Berlin). Men vi besöker föräldrarnar ofta. De har köpt en gammal gård i en ganska liten by och har renoverad den. Nu har dem några får som hobby... så där finns alltid någonting för de att göra. Jag tror det är viktigt gammal människor har inte tid för att bli gammal och skröplig! Lantlivet har redan märkligen förbättrad deras hälsa. 

 

 

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 I've realised that my withdrawl becomes too fierce if I try to kick it all at once, therefore I'm trying to do the "exclude one thing at a time"-strategy.


Yeah, that's how I did, too. First step: no sugary drinks. Second step: limit alcohol (I allowed myself 5 drinks/week, but only three days). Then phase out processed food, then stop cookie addiction (that was hard. In any meeting room there was coffee - and cookies). And then some weeks completely without added sugar to teach the body how it should be working normally. 
I still treat me the occasional cake or ice cream, but this is mostly when eating out. Eating the cookie jar empty at home is easy, odering another piece of cake and paying for it in a café takes a conscious decision... it's easier to stop then. Sometimes my wife also bakes something. But then I'll stay clear of sugary things for the rest of the week. So yeah, there are "cheat days". We're not dry alcoholics that may never touch a bottle again, are we? But it surely takes some effort to resist the temptation. When I ever notice I the sugar cravings become fiercer, I extend the pauses between cheat days considerably. After a week or two, everything is back under control. At least I keep telling myself that. :barbershop_quartet_
 

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Oh I have started! Not really super many sessions yet but I got really good help from a coach at the company gym. I'm just going to get my shit together and get back there. Vacation happened and yeah...been hard getting on the training wagon again after that. But I'll do my best. :) She put in a few things for me, some bench press and some "pick stuff up from the floor, put it down" things. I'm enjoying a hell of alot! The plan is to move into that kind of workout further down the line but right now top priority is just to get my ass to the gym and actually DO something. :P
 


 

"pick stuff up from the floor, put it down" things - that sounds like deadlifts? Great. Bench press and deadlift, a good start. If you add squats down the road you'll have all the tools at hand you need to become really strong. 
 

Quote

 


And btw....THANK YOU for your awesome end lengthy post! I love it!


Ingen orsak!
:-)

4 hours ago, Adrianne said:

UPDATE!!!!!

 

I went to the dietitian yesterday and did a weigh in. I had lost 0,2 kg since the last time I was there and then we need to take into consideration that it was the Lingonberryweek AND the angietyinduced eating this weekend. So myeah, I'm happy! Plus we did measurements just to see where I was at and here is where the interesting thing starts happening.

 

Ok, so the measurements we take on me are: Bust, "thinwaist" (smallest part of my hourglass figure), waist at belly button and hips.

Bust: Same. Hips: Same: Thinwaist: -1 cm. Waist: -4 cm!!!

[...]

So yeah! The scale wasn't having it my the tape measure doesn't lie. Score for that one!


As I always say: the scale is just one tool to measure progress - but it is only useful to monitor trends. Single data points should not be overestimated. Losing 4cm of fat at the waist is a huge improvement. :applouse:

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Rowing, rucking, running, lifting heavy stuff. Why not do it all?

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3 hours ago, turboseize said:

I still treat me the occasional cake or ice cream, but this is mostly when eating out. Eating the cookie jar empty at home is easy, odering another piece of cake and paying for it in a café takes a conscious decision... it's easier to stop then. Sometimes my wife also bakes something. But then I'll stay clear of sugary things for the rest of the week. So yeah, there are "cheat days". We're not dry alcoholics that may never touch a bottle again, are we? But it surely takes some effort to resist the temptation. When I ever notice I the sugar cravings become fiercer, I extend the pauses between cheat days considerably. After a week or two, everything is back under control. At least I keep telling myself that. :barbershop_quartet_

 This is the goal I want to have - to be able to have something sometimes. Not having the physical urge to have something every day! I'm getting there, slowly but surely, and I love hearing that I'm not the only one that did a step-by-step detox. Makes me feel hopeful. :)

 

3 hours ago, turboseize said:

"pick stuff up from the floor, put it down" things - that sounds like deadlifts? Great. Bench press and deadlift, a good start. If you add squats down the road you'll have all the tools at hand you need to become really strong.

 

Yeah it's a few deadlifts (thanks for the name man, didn't remember what it was called in english) but also something the trainer called "the log". It's like I put weights on one end of the bar and then put the other end of it into a contraption on the floor. So effectivly I'm just lifting up one end of the bar, doing like a half deadlift. I also add a little push press at the end of the motion with one hand so I work that part of the body out too. And then I alternate hands for the presses. :) It feels good.

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Today it is a down day. Like super down. I think I'm getting sick again, and that sucks. No fever but cold sweat, soar throat and a cough. On top of this I fell of the wagon yesterday. I got candy. And I have been trying so hard not to beat myself up over it. Like I'm still going super strong with no soda, alcohol and icecream so that is great. But why am I having such a hard time seeing that?

 

I have done so much really. I am working so hard on getting my life around. And then WHAM! All of a sudden I'm at the bottom of this pit of hopelessness and feeling like a piece of shit. All I see are the pounds packing on and me dying from a heartattack. And you know what? Today I don't even care. I'm so damn fed up with this it is insane. I'm fed up with feeling like a faliure and like a lumbering blob. I know this feeling too shall pass but I hate it. I hate it almost as much as I hate myself for putting my body in this position. And I'm so close to reverting back to my old habits - of eating the pain away. And that achieves nothing. Sticking to this, even if it is hard and I want to bang my head against the wall and scream and cry - that is the right choise. I will never get anywhere if I give up. Never.

 

Today it is just so damn hard. I'll try to give myself some slack. I'll try...but.....why is it so hard to love myself?

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On 9/15/2016 at 1:41 AM, Adrianne said:

Today it is a down day. Like super down. I think I'm getting sick again, and that sucks. No fever but cold sweat, soar throat and a cough. On top of this I fell of the wagon yesterday. I got candy. And I have been trying so hard not to beat myself up over it. Like I'm still going super strong with no soda, alcohol and icecream so that is great. But why am I having such a hard time seeing that?

 

I have done so much really. I am working so hard on getting my life around. And then WHAM! All of a sudden I'm at the bottom of this pit of hopelessness and feeling like a piece of shit. All I see are the pounds packing on and me dying from a heartattack. And you know what? Today I don't even care. I'm so damn fed up with this it is insane. I'm fed up with feeling like a faliure and like a lumbering blob. I know this feeling too shall pass but I hate it. I hate it almost as much as I hate myself for putting my body in this position. And I'm so close to reverting back to my old habits - of eating the pain away. And that achieves nothing. Sticking to this, even if it is hard and I want to bang my head against the wall and scream and cry - that is the right choise. I will never get anywhere if I give up. Never.

 

Today it is just so damn hard. I'll try to give myself some slack. I'll try...but.....why is it so hard to love myself?

 

If I may add a bit to this.  First never beat yourself up or hate yourself, this isn't easy but you can do it because you are doing it right.  I don't know if you cook or not but a pressure cooker helped me a ton.  I have a counter top model and it helps me cook good healthy meals while I go and do other things.  With the candy cravings, I do this I have a treat once a week (for me it's a nice coffee with milk chocolate added) and then I go grocery shopping, I had my treat so I am less likely to be tempted to get stuff I shouldn't and that strategy has helped me a lot.  Another thing is never buy a bag, if you just want one piece get one piece or buy a bag and take it to work, give it away, throw it away.  For me and my wife, one reward a week keeps other cravings down, she gets a doughnut and I get the coffee.  My wife went from a size 18 or 16 down to a size 4 or 2 depending on the manufacturer. You can do this just don't beat yourself up.       

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11 hours ago, mdwill said:

 

If I may add a bit to this.  First never beat yourself up or hate yourself, this isn't easy but you can do it because you are doing it right.  I don't know if you cook or not but a pressure cooker helped me a ton.  I have a counter top model and it helps me cook good healthy meals while I go and do other things.  With the candy cravings, I do this I have a treat once a week (for me it's a nice coffee with milk chocolate added) and then I go grocery shopping, I had my treat so I am less likely to be tempted to get stuff I shouldn't and that strategy has helped me a lot.  Another thing is never buy a bag, if you just want one piece get one piece or buy a bag and take it to work, give it away, throw it away.  For me and my wife, one reward a week keeps other cravings down, she gets a doughnut and I get the coffee.  My wife went from a size 18 or 16 down to a size 4 or 2 depending on the manufacturer. You can do this just don't beat yourself up.       

 

Thank you. For your kind words and for you encouragement. It is nice to see that people care and that people have gone throu this too. It gives me hope.

 

So to just touch up on the above subject - I did get sick. No wonder I was feeling all wonky and out of order. My body was trying to get things working in a setting that didn't allow it to. And also regarding the food and things - I did well last week. Right there and then, that thursday, I felt horrible. Like I was a faliure. Also add in a phonecall from my oh-so-loving mother the day before and you have a trainwreck. My mom loves me, she does, but as my therapist says "She just doesn't have the tools to show it in any other way". It sucks and it is hard but it is what it is. I can choose to stay in that mess of a toxic relationship or move out. Right now...I'm moving out. For a bit.

 

Ok, a little backstory then I feel is needed. My mother was brought up in a very destructive and abusive home. She moved out eventually and met my dad. My dad came from a rough background also and had a tendency to turn to alcohol when he felt pressured. Not the best combo those two - a emotionally unstable and needing controll woman for a mother and a emotionally shut off and almost alcoholic father. Yay for good genes! But they tried. He kicked the booze and she did her best. They loved me. I never ever ever felt anything else from them. But they sucked at handelling me and my emotional growth. Always sucked at it. My mom would fawn over me and as I turned to food as a comfort (learned behaviour from dad probably) she never talked to me about it but just...accused me of being weak. And that just made things worse. My whole life our relationship has revolved around her telling me I need to be skinny to fit in and me not wanting to. Typical mother-daughter drama I guess and then add som rebellion from the kid on top of that. *rolls eyes* Yeah, I was a brat growing up I guess.

 

It ended with me eating my emotions and refusing to take help from her. And the snide comments about how what to weare and what absolutely not to weare over the years hasen't made this easier. So here I am...turning 31 next year....and talking to her today makes me feel like I was 8 years old again and being told, all over again, that a bright purple bathing suit would make my tummy look even bigger. And I can't handle that. At all. Like...NO!

 

So that kind of a conversation under my belt thursday morning and then feeling sick led to the despair. When I got home thursday night I hid a bit in a few games and then I went to bed. Friday morning I woke up with a fever. Suprise! And I stayed home. And nursed myself back to health. And I managed, even in the circumstances that was, not to bindge. I managed not to stuff my face and eat my emotions. I cried alot and acted out a bit but it was just...freeing. I hate how she made me feel like I wasn't doing enough. Like I was a faliure. She has never said it but it is there. Always. I've worked so damn hard on cutting things out these last months and I'm doing damn well also! I have a wedding dress I want to get into in about 7 months and I want to lose some weight before then. I don't need to be done by the wedding, not at all, but I want some gone. And if I keep doing this, keep taking things out, I will be. No soda or alcohol for 5 weeks now. No icecream for a week. And I finally feel like I can do this. I feel like I've got this. I've never felt like that before. Ever.

 

I can do it.

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I feel safe. Totally safe in the thouthg of that I will do it this time. It is a strange feeling. It is an intoxicating feeling. And it is freaking me the hell out. I'm used to feeling all the things I talked about in the above post. But now? Today? I just feel...calm. Like a calm sea that is waiting for the rage of the coming storm. Right now I'm nursing myself back to health, it is still hard to breathe sometimes and I'm coughing up my lungs in the morning but I'm not feeling the fatigue as I did end of last week. Not at all. And I'm finding myself working hard on reigning myself in, like to not run away and make huuuuge plans for myself or just to try to do more instantly. I have a plan and I will stick to it.

 

That said I have decided that I want to move more and that I want to feel a little better about myself. I still have this huge plan and dream about being able to go back to crossfit and pilates and running and all that wonderful stuff. But I also need to look reality in the eye and understand that I can't do that right now. What I can do is this:

* Walking more, just 20 min more a day will do me alot of good.

* 15 minutes of pilates at home every day will help so much AND I can get it in during the 30 min I'm home alone after work or in the morning when I'm the first one up.

 

That's it! I don't need to do more right now. This is plenty. I've decided also on what the next thing to be taken of the list is - pasteries. I love them but they are just the devil more or less. So that will go in about 3 weeks time. I've also realised that the only thing I probably won't be able to ditch, ever, is chocolate. At least as I feel right now. Maybe that too will change. But hey, we'll see. :)

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Hey ho people! Time for a post again. It seems I'm down to posting something once a week and that feels ok. :)

 

Progress! TADAAAA!!!!

* I have now been of soda and alcohol for 6 weeks. Ermagerd, I'm so proud of myself! Sometimes I miss it but it isn't hard to talk myself out of it anymore, yay that.

* I've been clean of icecream for urhm....two weeks I belive it is and it is going good.

* Since last week I have started doing the 15 min of pilates each day and also moving around much more then usual, I feel a slight soreness more or less constantly so I belive I'm doing something right. ;)

* For the last month there has only been home cooked meals. I'm not saying it is like super paleo and awesome like that but it is done at home. We have gotten takeout two times in the last month. Fuck. Yes! And it feels good. Both for the wallet and for the tummy.

 

So you see? I'm making progress! Like big progress! Going at a slow pace like this seems to work good for me, one thing at a time and no stress with other stuff along the way. Just focusing on doing little over a long period of time might actually be my jam. Got an appointment with the dietitian this afternoon so we will see if something has happened regarding measurements or weight. If not, that's fine. I'll just plodd along anyways. :) Sooner or later something has to change if I change it. ;)

 

On that note I'm so psyhced today! Got my new workouttights in the mail yesterday and this afternoon I'll try them out for the first time. YAY that! They are suuuuper gorgous and I hope they make me feel awesome.

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Like BAAAM! They look adorable! Hope they do me some good also.

 

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IF-YOU-COULD-JUST-TELL-ME-WHAT-THE-FUCK-

 

I hav no idea wtf I'm doing wrong! So the last couple of weeks has been good, really good. I've cleaned up my act alot (se above posts) and I'm doing this as a good, steady pace. All fine and great! And then I went to the dietitian on wednesday afternoon and got told I had GAINED 3 lbs?!?!?!?! How.....what? What the hell is going on?

 

I'm trying not to get defeated by this, not to let it bother me, but goddamnit it is hard. I know I'm doing better, I'm moving around more, I'm eating less junkfood, I'm sticking to my mealtimes and I'm getting the sleep I need. I don't know what is up. Why can't my body like write me a letter and tell me wtf I need to be doing to get rid of this flab?

 

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2 hours ago, Adrianne said:

 

I hav no idea wtf I'm doing wrong! So the last couple of weeks has been good, really good. I've cleaned up my act alot (se above posts) and I'm doing this as a good, steady pace. All fine and great! And then I went to the dietitian on wednesday afternoon and got told I had GAINED 3 lbs?!?!?!?! How.....what? What the hell is going on?

[/quote]

 

1.5kg? That is nothing. A bit more salt in yesterday's meal, being sore from workouts... and 1.5kg could well just be water. You were a litte bit ill, and you said you were constantly a little bit sore. There is your little inflammatory response.... with water retention. 
The scale is only good for observation of trends. Single data points on the scale alone are not a very useful information. Come on, you know that already. :beaten:
What about the other measurements?

Rowing, rucking, running, lifting heavy stuff. Why not do it all?

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37 minutes ago, turboseize said:
3 hours ago, Adrianne said:

 

I hav no idea wtf I'm doing wrong! So the last couple of weeks has been good, really good. I've cleaned up my act alot (se above posts) and I'm doing this as a good, steady pace. All fine and great! And then I went to the dietitian on wednesday afternoon and got told I had GAINED 3 lbs?!?!?!?! How.....what? What the hell is going on?

[/quote]

 

1.5kg? That is nothing. A bit more salt in yesterday's meal, being sore from workouts... and 1.5kg could well just be water. You were a litte bit ill, and you said you were constantly a little bit sore. There is your little inflammatory response.... with water retention. 
The scale is only good for observation of trends. Single data points on the scale alone are not a very useful information. Come on, you know that already. :beaten:
What about the other measurements?

 

Yeah...you are probably right. I did gain about 1,1 kg and the dietitian told me that it was just water but..yeah. I don't know where it comes from and it makes me upset. Don't ask me why, just getting it on paper that it is only water shouldn't be an issue. But it is. I think I've been at this game for so long that I'm getting super impatient with getting some results. But hey....if I just keep grinding I'm bound to have som results, sooner or later. *sighs a bit*

 

And regarding the other measurements we have decided to only take those once a month. Just to spread it out a bit so there will be time to see a difference. :)

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just-keep-swimmig-just-keep-swimming_o_1

This is my mantra at the moment. I need to remind myself daily to not go 150% all the time and that 70% is good enough. I can get to goal on 70%, that isn't a problem. And I just need to keep swimming. :)

 

So what's up in life? Well the new runners tights were amazeballs, talk about feeling super confident in them. And that is a plus. Also did good this weekend - got one bag of candy on friday and that was it. Earlier it wouldn't have been a problem for me to rip through a bag of candy (maybe 400 g?) in one sitting, and a 1 L cola, and a chocolate bar of 200 g....yeah, I was a pig. But not this time. :) I got a bag of mixed nuts, some covered in chocolate and some just natural, and I enjoyed them with my tea on friday evening and then the other half of the bag on saturday. Did 1,5 hour walk both saturday and sunday and also digged up my polar flow activity band (like fitbit I guess) and I crushed my step-goal for both days. Food has gone good. No takeout this weekend. We did make homemade pizza on sunday evening but that was homemade everything - crust, sause, only added fresh toppings to it. Also made a huge bowl of sallad. Yum.

 

I've kept the bracelet on since saturday and I did my steps yesterday also - 15000 of them. I feel good. Tonight it is swimming night, that will be needed. I'm sore in my legs :P Also did a little jogging, on a whim, on saturday and I managed three blocks before I stoped. Yay for that too.

 

Weight wise....*deep breath* I need to stay patiente. And that is so damn hard. I want results NOW! And that won't happen. I've always had a problem with holding on for the long run with anything - change in food, workouts, previous boyfriends....I'm very much an instant gratification kind of person and that is working against me now. I just need to get around it. I just...have to.

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1 hour ago, turboseize said:

How's it going?

I'm hanging in there. :) Been hitting my goal regarding steps per day every day of the week so far and I feel like I've been doing good with food also. Been cooking at home and just eating what I've brought with me from home. No cookies or candy at work. Had a piece of our friday snack at work yesterday but considering that it is freshly baked sour dough bread with toppings like ham, cheese and veg I'm not counting that. ;) 

 

Was so damned tiered last night that I crashed at 8.30. And got woken up at 5 am today. Yay for that. Ended up taking a walk and having breakfast with some friends that got woken up by their 2-year-old daughter at like 6 am...and then I walked home. It's 11.18 now and I just finished the Nerdfitness Beginner Bodyweight Workout. Also did a Blogilates cool down session afterwards. I feel good right now.Tiered, but good. Going to have 2 boiled eggs and cup of tea, then take a shower, dress up and actually do something with my face that hopefully will look like a decent try at makeup and then head out and hang out with friends. It's a good fall day in other words. :)

 

Thanks for checking up on me man. ^^

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Aaaaah, yes. Fall is here. With the cold weather, crisp air and beautiful leaves. I love fall. Did I mention that I love fall? Just in case you missed it....I love fall! :D 

 

The problem is that I don't have anything that I can wear for fall. Well....not really. When I think of fall I think of big, oversize knittet jumpers, black tight jeans, knee high boots and big scarves. I don't have that. Not really. And I've been oogeling this chain that makes custom made boots for many many years now but I've always been hesitant as to actually getting a pair. First of all they are super expensive but I can deal with that if I get a good pair of boots. The problem is my calves. I have super big calves, like I guess most of my overweight brothers and sisters have, and my leg doesn't fit into the boots I want. BUT! I can get then custom made. The issue is if I ever manage to lose the weight I will probably get smaller calves. And then I would have thrown away around 300 dollars on a pair of boots that are too big. See the problem? I want them and I'm not sure I will ever be able to lose the weight, but if I get them and then lose it they will be to small. *sighs* 

It's stupid, I know. It's a pair of boots. I don't need boots. But I want them. I'm a stupid consumer that just want's to buy things. And look pretty. 

 

Anyways! Here you can see the said boots, and a dress I got in the mail yesterday that I think would look adorable together with said boots. A girl can dream, right?

 

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Super cute, it looked adorable on! Yay for feeling confident. ^^

 

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SEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! They are super purdy! I want them....

 

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