Jothra Conquers the Space Cheese!

[Jothra]

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

 

     In keeping with tradition, when Jothra arrived at his hut back on Lodbrok, one of the Old Men of the Rebellion was already waiting for him. The novelty of their sudden visits had long since worn off, so Jothra hung his jacket on the Old Man's pointy-hatted head, and started installing the coffee maker he'd found in a cave, guarded by a gnome or a hobbit or something.

     After a few moments of flailing his way out from under the jacket, the Old Man spoke. "I hope you've had fun wasting your time on some ocean island, vacationing instead of seriously training--"

     "I've been training."

     "--but now you have some serious work to do. If you are going to defeat Ogrod, you must continue to train here, in the forest, with the Slurpasaurs and dromeosaurs and bird people and fish people and what-have-you, instead of gallivanting around wherever and whenever you choose."

     "Fine," Jothra mumbled. "But I've been doing just as well without you lately. Feel free to check up, but don't do a bunch of interfering."

     "No promises."

     The Old Man threw a small capsule on the ground, which exploded in a puff of smoke. When the smoke had cleared, Jothra furrowed his brow.

     "You're still here," pointed out.

     In the special, subtle way of all non-subtle people, the Old Man shuffled sideways to the door, shouted "Yoink!", and took off at a dead run.

     Jothra looked out the door after the Old Man. So, spend some time here, in a world eerily reminiscent of old cheesy science fiction serials? Okay. He'd done it before; he could do it again.
 

 

They misuse the words "conquers" and "universe," and probably "the" for good measure, but I love it anyway.

     My entire "Jothra Conquers..." shtick is a reference to Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, and its predecessor Rocketship. I don't mind telling you that these are some cheesy serial motion picture atrocities, which is exactly why I love the awful things. They are both public domain these days, so finding them should be a breeze, if you have a few hours you don't want back.

     Incidentally, recognize this?

 

It's okay. George Lucas was legitimately paying homage when he borrowed this.
 

      So, Ming the Merciless, who is totally not a white guy dressed up as an intergalactic not-Asian-no-really-I-swear despot, is trying to conquer the universe, which is apparently comprised entirely of Earth and the planet Mongo. There are flying people with fake looking wings. There are giant lizards played by regular lizards. There are rockets made of what I can only assume are cardboard tubes. It is glorious.

     Oh, and starring this guy:

 

Oh, Buster Crabbe. You should have stuck to being an Olympian. I mean, honestly.

1.) Main Fitness Quest
My three goal-achieving-type-little-goals-that-add-up-to-a-bigger-goal-goals.

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! except on S Days (Saturdays, Sundays, and Special Days — unless I want to).
 

 
Ride a bicycle daily for half an hour. It doesn't matter which bicycle: road, MTB, or stationary. It is of note that my vivid imagination means I can totally imagine my stationary bike is a cardboard tube spaceship. Yipes. __/20. [+2 STA | +2 DEX | +1 CHA]

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know which end is which! Also excluding S Days.
 

 
One of the charms of this goofy show is the mix of science fiction and fantasy elements. Laser guns? Sure! Swords? Also keen! I will continue with my Shovelglove routine, currently at 24.3 lbs. As of March 29th, I've been at it for six straight months, with very few missed weekdays. In celebration, I re-taped the handle, which was looking pretty ratty. This time I went with hard-to-scuff-up black. I'm Canadian. Stick tape flows like water here. __/20. [+2 STR | +1 STA]

iii.) Eat like a Slurpasaur! I mean, of course, food.

 

 
A "slurpasaur" is a dinosaur (or, in Flash Gordon's case, monster) played by a decidedly non-dinosaurian lizard, often with spikes or fins glued on. The best use of Slurpasaurs ever was in Disney's old Journey to the Center of the Earth, in which they rather convincingly played giant a pack of hungry dimetrodon (a sail-backed reptile far predating dinosaurs). Anyway, Slurpasaurs will eat damn near anything, and so shall I, albeit in reasonable quantities. Since it worked well last challenge, I will be eating at approximately 500-1000 calories under maintenance. Thanks, MFP! Thanks, Fitbit!

 

ADDITION: It probably doesn't fit here, but I just started the 30-day squat challenge from Uncaged Man. The idea isn't to do squats; it is to squat, and stay squatting for at least 10 minutes a day. Don't ask me why, but it sounds like something I can get behind, for the same reason I do all my work teleconferences standing up. Again, I know this doesn't really fit with the food part of the challenge, but to be fair Slurpasaurs (being lizards) look like they're squatting 100% of the time.  __/28. [+1 STA | +2 CON | +2 WIS]

2.) LIFE SIDE QUEST
Keep enemy soldiers out of the base...with electro-laser murder beams! Or, well, clean up after myself, I guess.

 

 
Last challenge, I planned a minor apartment clean-up, followed by maintenance. Instead, I started the process of seriously overhauling everything. I have made incredible headway in every area but my bedroom, so that's next. I will also maintain the rest of the place, which is actually turning out to be pretty easy as long as I keep on it.

 

Also: yes, I've read Marie Kondo, and no, I do not agree with her position on books. In a tangentially related story, one time I saw a home decorating show about "living naked " (minimalism) on which the host decided to wrap all her books with blank white paper covers to make the bookshelf more sleek. Her guest host looked at her like he wasn't sure if he should run away or not. __/28. [+2 CHA]

As per normal, I'm going to determine scores based on percentage ranges, more or less like on my childhood report cards.
A = 86-100% | B = 73-85% | C = 66-72% | D = 51-65% | F = 0-50%
 
3) MOTIVATION
I may poke fun, and Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe may be the cheesiest serial of all time, but there is something undeniably charming and naively exciting about it all the same. Besides, what posters!
 

[Lara]

Love the theme! 

[Jothra]

17 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Love the theme! 

 

Thanks! I've been in love with this kind of cheese ever since we discovered a bunch of it on Super 8 in high school drama class.

[Keldream Nebula]

Woo another challenge, another great theme, another set of awesome goals! I think I've seen a few random episodes of Flash Gordon when its been played on TV before, but I may have to add that to my list of fun serials to watch. Might be good meal-time television (my theoretical only time for it because supposedly I'm doing homework at all other times...).

 

Sounds like they've set you up in a pretty much do-or-get-eaten-by-a-slurpassaur place, how scary!  

 

Good luck  

[Jothra]

Sunday start means starting on a rest day! Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Jothra]

Nice hats. Spaceship!

 

     Despite some serious cosmic turbulence (radiation or something; who knows?), Jothra found himself at the controls of a short-range rocketship, blasting through the air towards the Bird People's kingdom. Naturally, one of the ever-nosy Old Men was with him, mostly to give him instructions he didn't need for things he didn't want.

     "I thought you guys were going to leave me alone?" Jothra snapped. "Also, I hate to point this out, but I'm pretty sure the interior walls of this spaceship are masonite. I'm not remotely comfortable with that."

     "No, no, it's perfectly safe," the Old Man assured him. "It's the exterior hull you should be worried about. It's made of cardboard and tinfoil."

     Jothra blinked a few times, then decided to press on. It's not as if things could get worse.

 

 

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! Road. 1/20.

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know how! 24.3 lbs. 1/20

iii.) Do the Slurpasaur! Yes. 1/28

iv.) Clean home base: Yes. 1/28

 

     I cycled at a breakneck average speed of slow against the wind, then fired home at 5,000,000 km/h with the wind at my back.

     Black is slimming. The black stick tape sure makes the Shovelglove seem smaller and lighter, even though it's actually half a pound heavier.

     At lunch, I squatted on the side-table bench in my classroom while I ate. I probably looked like a freaky caveman, so it's a good thing my kids eat elsewhere.

     I stripped and cleaned my Keurig, and performed maintenance cleaning in the bathroom.

[Lara]

13 hours ago, Jothra said:

At lunch, I squatted on the side-table bench in my classroom while I ate. I probably looked like a freaky caveman

 

I do that. All the time. I know my boyfriend worries 

[Jothra]

9 hours ago, zenLara said:

I do that. All the time. I know my boyfriend worries 

 

Fun story: today I tried this in my Super Plush Padded Rotating Spin Throne Chair at lunch. I did not last, because the excess padding made it too hard to stabilize myself. I did the rest of the squatting in the other room during prep time, while I marked stuff. That was better.

[Jothra]

Flash Gordon shoveling coal. That's thematically appropriate.

 

     Suddenly, the nose of the ship edged downward. And by edged, I mean plummeted.

     "What's going on?" Jothra shouted over the rattling of the masonite-and-carboard craft. "The engine have stopped!"

     "Well, there's your answer," the Old Man replied. "The engines have stopped."

     "WHY?"

     "Oh, probably the furnace. I suppose you haven't been shovelling the coal. I mean, you've been flying, so it probably never even crossed your mind."

     And that was how Jothra found himself shovelling coal into a furnace on a spaceship made of masonite on the inside and cardboard and tinfoil on the outside while flying over a world loaded with monsters that looked like giant pet lizards with sails glued to their backs. He'd never learned about this in school.

 

Day 2

 

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! Stationary. 2/20.

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know how! 25.4 lbs. 2/20

iii.) Do the Slurpasaur! Yes. 2/28

iv.) Clean home base: Yes. 2/28

 

     I admit, today was an easy noodle. I set the tension just high enough to keep me from bouncing in the saddle, and spun it nice and easy. While watching Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, which is both very forward-thinking in its view of Dale Arden's womanly abilities (the first thing anyone says to her is, "Dale, take the controls!") and hilariously old-timey in its view of her womanly frailties ("I'm not scared! Dr. Zarkov needs me!" "Good girl!").

     So...I used to have two 1 lb. ankle weights strapped just under the head of my hammer, but recently I switched them for one 2.5 lb. weight, mostly for aesthetic reasons (it was grey instead of red, and it was lying around from a long-abandoned workout routine anyway). Then, today, I thought, "I'm sooooooo close to 25 lbs., and I've been doing this six months, so maybe I should throw one of the smaller weights on there too, and bring it up to 25.4. That seems totally reasonable." I finished my routine, but holy crap am I beat. It feels really good, though. I will, of course, leave myself my usual out and keep the old 14-pounder nearby just in case I need to ease up a bit, but I have that same all-over tired glow I've had every time I've upped the weight.

     Despite eating half of a cream pie at lunch (because the kids brought me half of a cream pie, natch), I'm almost exactly 1000 calories below maintenance today (mostly because of my very small supper). I squatted while marking during my prep.

     I rearranged my newspaper comic collections shelf, organized most of my (sadly seldom used at present) cartooning supplies, and vacuumed my living room.

[Jothra]

Oh, another thing. I totally forgot how grippy black stick tape is. Holy crap. I should have gone with black in the first place.

[Jothra]

OH EMM GEE WE`RE GOING DOWN!!!1!11.

 

     "We're going down!" shouted Jothra as he desperately shovelled coal into the furnace.

     "Obviously," said the Old Man. "You clearly don't want it enough."

 

Day 3

 

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! Road. 3/20.

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know how! 25.4 lbs. 3/20

iii.) Do the Slurpasaur! Yes. 3/28

iv.) Clean home base: Yes. 3/28

 

     "Tank!" by The Seatbelts came on near the end of my ride, so I had to end three minutes just to finish it.

     The 25.4 thing was harder than yesterday (it took me 18 minutes to complete), but precedent suggests if I make Thursday and Friday, the weekend should be enough full recovery time to make next week feel much easier. I still have an out, but I think I can stick this weight. I really do..

     My net calories were on goal. I squatted while meditating this morning, at lunch, and early this evening for the Assassins mini.

     Laundry. Washed, dried, folded, put away. Sadly, my sock-folding method is not Marie Kondo approved.

[Lara]

1 hour ago, Jothra said:

Sadly, my sock-folding method is not Marie Kondo approved

 

From what I know she's pretty strict with those poor socks... Why would it be a problem that they have fun all mixed up?

[Jothra]

4 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

From what I know she's pretty strict with those poor socks... Why would it be a problem that they have fun all mixed up?

 

I fold my socks...I just fold them wrong.

[SnowOwl]

Well she does say they deserve a rest and that is why they must be folded a certain way, but if my socks want to party together while resting, I don't see how that goes against her premise.

[Jothra]

 

Well she does say they deserve a rest and that is why they must be folded a certain way, but if my socks want to party together while resting, I don't see how that goes against her premise.

 

In extra fairness, I pretty much use black ankle socks specifically so they won't show how hard I am on them.

[Jothra]

This is probably an actual vintage photo, as far as you know.

 

     Jothra coughed, stood slowly (checking for injuries), coughed some more, and also there was some coughing.

     While he seemed to be in one piece, the same could not be said for the rocket. Its cheaply-built (maybe folded and glued?) cardboard chassis was spread across the landscape. There was no sign of the Old Man, but that wasn't exactly a surprise. Jothra was alone.

     Wandering in the same direction the lousy craft had taken, Jothra eventually stumbled on something terrifying: a slurpasaur nest. Eyes open, he drew the sledgehammer from his bag, and got ready for what he was sure was to be an inevitable battle.

 

Day 4-5

 

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! Road. 4/20.

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know how! 25.4 lbs. 4/20

iii.) Do the Slurpasaur! Yes. 3/28

iv.) Clean home base: Yes. 5/28

 

     Thursday I was exhausted. I had barely slept Wednesday night, which did not help the overall soreness of two days with the new hammer weight. I worked on school stuff until seven, then promptly fell asleep. At least I had the foresight so set my alarm. I didn't mean to skip the bike, but it was probably for the best.

     Friday was much better. I had a drama festival to help with, but I still had time for a road ride.

     Thursday evening saw no Shovelglove. I regret it, but probably shouldn't.

     Friday I did Shovelglove. I felt much, much better for the day off. I have no doubt now this weight will be fine.

     Thursday I was at maintenance because I felt like maybe it would help with recovery.

     Friday was at maintenance because I went to town on the spread at the festival, though I had planned to avoid it.

     Thursday I cleaned up a bunch of school-related mess in my house before I tanked.

     Friday I totally deboned my computer, which took a good long time. I am required to use it every day, so it absolutely counts as something to keep organized.

 

     Finally, here's a non-vintige-o-matic-ized picture of the hammer at 25.4 lbs. I still think it looks smaller than before, even though it's clearly heavier. Go figure.

[SnowOwl]

Love the vintage hammer, very authentic!

[Jothra]

 

Love the vintage hammer, very authentic!

 

No-one invented the Shovelglove. It was discovered. In a cave. Guarded by a hobbit.

[RittenRemedy]

Cardboard and tinfoil...  Put some black stick tape on that thing!

 

Incidentally, my parents always told my brother he was named after Flash Gordon, but I don't remember ever watching the show.

[Jothra]

Crap weekend, eating-wise. I'll cope. Proper update Monday evening!

[Jothra]

"Sorry, can I bother you to hold my sword for a minute? IN YOUR SPLEEN!"

 

     Naturally, it was only moments before Jothra found himself face-to-face with a crazed lunatic swordsman. He supposed the man was one of Ogrod's men, but he didn't have a chance to ask — the man immediately screamed some obscenities, and attempted to store his sword in Jothra's rib cage.

     "Death to the...whatever you are!" the man screamed. "I'm not totally sure who you are, but you seem stabworthy to me!"

     Even after all this time, Jothra wasn't much of a fighter. What he did have, however, was a really big hammer.

     After a brief and rather pointed argument, Jothra continued on his way.

 

Day 6-8

 

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! Road. 6/20.

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know how! 25.4 lbs. 5/20

iii.) Do the Slurpasaur! Yes. 6/28

iv.) Clean home base: Yes. 8/28

 

     Saturday I got a good ride in, making up for Thursday. Sunday was an off day.

     Monday I went for a half hour ride that turned into a 50 minute ride. I'll take it.

     Monday I swung my Shovelglove around with gusto. It still takes 17-18 minutes to finish the whole routine with the bigger hammer, but it's getting slightly easier. The sack hoists are really rough in the first round, mostly because I do them last.

     The grip from the bar tape has finally started to smooth out, as is normal. On the one hand, this makes holding the hammer a bit harder, but on the other hand, it must be doing wonders for my grip strength. The calluses along the top edge of my palm would probably scare children and dogs.

     I did the math, then I did it again, and then, for good measure, I did it again. Despite my original assessment, my Saturday and Sunday evened each other out to slightly better than my calorie goal. Good job, I guess, Math Head.

     I made goal Monday.

     Saturday and Sunday I helped organize, set up, and clean up the refreshments at an out-of-town drama festival, which I think counts.

     Monday I descaled my Keurig (what a pain in the ass), cleaned up the kitchen, and started reorganizing my bicycle-related books (I have many of these).

[Lara]

Looks like you've done a lot.

 

 

 

The calluses along the top edge of my palm would probably scare children and dogs.

 

You know you're in the right way when this happens.

[Jothra]

That gun looks like it was designed and built by someone who'd had a gun described to him once, but had never actually seen one.

 

     Naturally (again), it was only a few seconds (again) before Jothra ran into another opponent. Only this  one was armed with some kind of...laser? Death ray? Toilet paper roll tube? Jothra couldn't tell.

     By the time Jothra was done laughing about how dumb the guy looked with his laser toilet paper roll tube death ray, neither was in the mood for a fight, so Jothra continued on his way.

 

Day 9

 

i.) Fly a cardboard tube spaceship! Road. 7/20.

ii.) Wave that sword like you don't know how! 25.4 lbs. 6/20

iii.) Do the Slurpasaur! Yes. 7/28

iv.) Clean home base: No! 9/28

 

     The wind was blowing at 44 km/h, gusting to 50. The way out I averaged about 18 km/h, and took 22 minutes. The way back I averaged about 34, and took 12 minutes. Heh heh heh.

     I took just about a full minute longer to finish my Shovelglove routine today, but that's mostly because a.) I wasn't in a hurry, and b.) I had to stop for a few seconds to answer a very important text. I'm alright with it.

     Some days I get so much exercise that I have to eat like a total dingus. I destroyed most of a rotisserie chicken for dinner. I promise, that is unusual. I still came in under goal.

     I did a thorough cleaning in my kitchen, particularly the stove and the counter around the coffee maker. I know I've mentioned it before, but I love how my apartment always smells a bit like coffee since I got the Keurig with the Solopod.

[Jothra]

 

Looks like you've done a lot.

 

 

You know you're in the right way when this happens.

 

Maybe I should chalk up. It's not like I don't have enough of the stuff around.

[Lara]

Everything ok?