Advice for soon to be step-mom?

[Anaticula]

My fiance and I are getting married in September, and he has two daughters ages 4 and 7. We get the kids every weekend, but they live with their mom and step-dad during the week. I have no children of my own, just nieces and nephews. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to handle becoming a step-mom? It's been a little chaotic going from no kids to just me and the girls some days (my fiance has to work a couple Saturdays each month). For the most part the girls and I get along great, but there are other times they drive me crazy. For example, the 7 year old was playing 'wild cat' which meant she was running around on all fours hissing at people and meowing at the other cats, which was fine, but then she tried to bite my toe off. :/  I'm 33 and never considered having kids, so it's pretty new to me. Is this normal?

[Sevasan]

I had to handle becoming a step dad a number of  years ago to my stepson. (who is now almost 9) and I have seen him do some things that make you stop and think…. “What on earth is he doing???”        (Yes, he has done some strange things but I love the little guy!)

 

 So yes… I would say this is normal.

 

Kids will be kids and they will do some things that make no sense to us  grown-ups! Just anyone who is a parent and I am sure they will have PLENTY to say. Haha!

 

As far as advice… Well… every experience with a  child is different so…  your mileage may vary.  

 

I would say the biggest thing is to make sure you and your fiancé are on the same page with EVERYTHING to do with the kids. That right there will make parenting a whole lot easier when the rules are understood by both parties.

 

Also YOU will be a parent to them too. So don’t have the attitude of “they are not MY kids.” And take a back seat to everything. ( I am not saying that you will do this or want to, but just saying in general as I know some people who are like this.) Your fiancé needs to understand that too and allow you to parent them.  Especially since you will have them on weekends that he is working.  This also will make things easier (reference to earlier) when you guys are on the same page!  

 

And finally, they will be kids… it is tough being a parent / step-parent and no one is perfect. You will lose your temper, they will push your buttons, and situations will happen that probably could have been handled better….  But this is ok. Take it all as a learning experience and remember you are the adult and do the grown up thing and learn, and try to be better next time.  Let them know you love them and try to have fun!  They will be growing up a lot quicker than you think.  

 

 

   

[Anaticula]

I've learnt already that we have a different parenting style. He's a let them do what ever unless they are actually fighting type and I'm a I hear them arguing I need to go break it up type. I'm trying to ease off a bit and let them deal with stuff themselves. (They always want the same toy at the same time, sigh.) I think the biggest difference he and I have is that he is of the mindset that it's the weekend they should just play, but I want them to put their toys away when they're done, because I know if they don't then I have to clean them up after they go to their mom's.

 

When it comes to everything else though we're on the same page. We do time out for yelling or hitting each other. They can be horses/cats/etc all they want around the house, but they have to be human at the grocery store (meaning no you can't crawl, you have to walk while we're in the store). We don't have a tv, but they can play their tablets for 2 hours a day on the weekends. Unless it's raining they have to play outside each day for at least an hour. We don't actually time them, but they enjoy being outside now while the weather is good. Once it gets too hot this summer we'll have to figure something else out. They love arts and crafts, so I try to always have art supplies around, even though it means we have to do a massive amount of cleaning to get the paint/glue off the table once they're done.

 

There are days that they get on my nerves. Mostly I'm doing homework and instead of asking their dad for snacks (who is in the room right next to them 90% of the time and would have gotten it for them if they had asked) they come ask me. Then I have to tell them to ask their dad, then they have to tell me that he said he'd get them a snack, then I have to tell them to go get the snack from their dad, then they have to bring it to me to show me they got a snack, then I have to tell them that they still aren't allowed to eat in the library, then they have to come tell me they finished their snack. We then repeat the whole thing because they are now thirsty. Takes four times as long to get the homework done as it used to. Luckily I've only this semester and next and then I'm done with school. I can't imagine how tough it is for parents who had to do that for years while in college.

[Sevasan]

3 minutes ago, Anaticula said:

I've learnt already that we have a different parenting style. He's a let them do what ever unless they are actually fighting type and I'm a I hear them arguing I need to go break it up type. I'm trying to ease off a bit and let them deal with stuff themselves. (They always want the same toy at the same time, sigh.) I think the biggest difference he and I have is that he is of the mindset that it's the weekend they should just play, but I want them to put their toys away when they're done, because I know if they don't then I have to clean them up after they go to their mom's.

 

“They always want the same toy at the same time”   ß THAT sounds very familiar!  Haha!

Once again, totally normal. When my stepson and I play, a toy could be untouched and not even looked at for HOURS… as soon as I touch it or pick it up…. It suddenly becomes the ONE item that he wants to play with. I let him have it, grab another item, then he wants THAT ONE TOO, even though he has ignored it the whole time we have been playing… and the cycle continues! Haha! My wife works at a day care and all the kids exhibit this same behavior.

But for your husband, even though it is the weekend and you guys only get them on the weekend, does not mean there are no rules or boundaries and the home is a “free for all”.  They still need to pick up, play nice, and basically behave as thought you guys have them all the time.  I know it is hard to do because he probably feels like, “I only have them this short amount of time and I want them to have fun.”  Which there is nothing wrong with that, but you can have fun and still have rules and responsibilities. (and the younger they learn it the better it will be for them and for you)

 

 

 

3 minutes ago, Anaticula said:

 

When it comes to everything else though we're on the same page. We do time out for yelling or hitting each other. They can be horses/cats/etc all they want around the house, but they have to be human at the grocery store (meaning no you can't crawl, you have to walk while we're in the store). We don't have a tv, but they can play their tablets for 2 hours a day on the weekends. Unless it's raining they have to play outside each day for at least an hour. We don't actually time them, but they enjoy being outside now while the weather is good. Once it gets too hot this summer we'll have to figure something else out. They love arts and crafts, so I try to always have art supplies around, even though it means we have to do a massive amount of cleaning to get the paint/glue off the table once they're done.

 

Sounds like you two have this under control!  Awesome!  

 

 

3 minutes ago, Anaticula said:

There are days that they get on my nerves. Mostly I'm doing homework and instead of asking their dad for snacks (who is in the room right next to them 90% of the time and would have gotten it for them if they had asked) they come ask me. Then I have to tell them to ask their dad, then they have to tell me that he said he'd get them a snack, then I have to tell them to go get the snack from their dad, then they have to bring it to me to show me they got a snack, then I have to tell them that they still aren't allowed to eat in the library, then they have to come tell me they finished their snack. We then repeat the whole thing because they are now thirsty. Takes four times as long to get the homework done as it used to. Luckily I've only this semester and next and then I'm done with school. I can't imagine how tough it is for parents who had to do that for years while in college.

 

I don’t know why but kids tend to ask one parent more for things than others.  It is the same with my stepson for me (asking me to get / do things with him) most of the time with a few exceptions… (and I remember I tended to ask my mother for things when I was a child more often.)  Now we both are trying to get him to learn that he can start to do things for himself as he gets older.  So maybe with time they will start to learn what they can do themselves, and what they need an adult to do for them?  But it will take time.  Or maybe they are just proud that they finished their snack and wanted to show you?  

 

 

 

[Anaticula]

Yep, that's EXACTLY how the toy argument goes at our house. There is one dress-up dress that is too small for the older girl, but fits the younger one fine. We have tons of dress up clothing for them, but if the younger one touches the too small dress the older girl has a fit because it is HER dress. However, if the younger one doesn't touch it she doesn't want it.  I finally had to hide that dress and no one has asked about it for ages, but I'm sure that if it appears again the fights will break out once more. Now, I can understand that she's at an age where she doesn't want her sister messing with her stuff, so the dress fight is understandable. But when you are playing with the my little ponies you really don't need all three pinkie pies because they came in YOUR happy meal. 

 

As to the cleaning up, if I press the issue he and the girls will help clean, but usually I don't press the issue unless we have company coming over.  I just wish that the house was cleaner in general because I don't care for stepping over a doll house when I need to pee at 3am and they decided to play with it in my bedroom instead of in theirs. I already have to wade through a pile of cats, and that's tough enough. 

 

I do notice that in general they come to me 90% of the time when they want stuff.  We had discussed creating a snack shelf for them, but after we found a bag of baby carrots spread across the kitchen floor and them eating off the floor on hands and knees because they were reindeer, we had to set the ask for a snack rule. Even now they prefer to just face plant into their food at meal times because 'horses can't use forks' but we have at least gotten them to stop eating off the floor.  

[Sevasan]

 

I do notice that in general they come to me 90% of the time when they want stuff.  We had discussed creating a snack shelf for them, but after we found a bag of baby carrots spread across the kitchen floor and them eating off the floor on hands and knees because they were reindeer, we had to set the ask for a snack rule. Even now they prefer to just face plant into their food at meal times because 'horses can't use forks' but we have at least gotten them to stop eating off the floor.  

 

Sounds like they must like you more.      HAHA!

[Anaticula]

Not this weekend they didn't, lol, I made them clean their room. I think they hate me now. Or at least they did until I bought them off by taking them to see Zootopia as they did a good job cleaning.

[Sevasan]

I love how they can want absolutely nothing to do with you one second.. then the next you are their best friend in the world!  the swing of emotions in a matter of minutes can be astounding. haha!

 

 btw.. Zootopia was an awesome movie!!!

[Anaticula]

Yep. One minute they're sobbing on the floor, 'Why do I have to clean, you should do it, not me?!?!?!?' the next they're all, 'Oh! I didn't even remember I had this toy! I should look for stuff more often!' 

 

Zootopia was adorable.  I think I enjoyed it more than they did, lol. Actually thinking of going to see it again this week with my fiance as he didn't get to catch it with us. I know I'll be buying a copy once it comes out. So many of the movies these days are written enough that I enjoy them instead of suffering through them.  Inside Out was another like that. Also, as crazy as it sounds the Barbie Life in the Dream House one is something I enjoy watching even without the kids because it has really well written stories. I never thought I'd enjoy a Barbie cartoon as I'm not a huge Barbie fan, lol.

[Sevasan]

HAHA I totally understand.  My wife and I are HUGE disney fans!  We own pretty much every disney movie ever made.  Inside out was very good as well!

[Anaticula]

Had date night last night, and we ended up at Zootopia, lol, I enjoyed watching it again. This time I got to see the whole movie too as I didn't have to take kids to the restroom part way through.

[Sevasan]

Awesome!!!   Uninterrupted movies are the best!    

 

 

  my 9 year old can sit through a movie... but we have to CONSTANTLY tell him to stop talking... he talks and asks questions during any movie.. especially if it is one he has seen already. haha!

 

[Anaticula]

Normally I'd say the girls can't sit still through a movie, but then this weekend the 7 year old watched four movies in a row only getting up long enough to change videos when they finished.  However I suspect this is because she was exhausted. Their cousin stayed the night and they spent the whole day previously out in the yard, same again Sunday morning.  Had to give them a billion baths because they'd come in filthy and complain their clothes were dirty, then go back out to roll in the mud soon as they were clean. For some reason they can't seem to understand that the reason they got dirty was from playing in the mud.  After the second load of laundry we made them just play inside until B's mom came to pick him up.

[hawser]

Kids will really drive you crazy and this is where you patience will be tested. My suggestion is to ask them what they want to do, think of activities that you think they would enjoy.

[ModernDaySamurai]

When I met my (now) wife she had a 12 year old, he's 16 now and apparently knows everything, but I had the same "how do I do this" feeling. The best advice I can give almost 4 year in is don't try and be their parent. That may sound weird but we get along the best when I just let things happen. If he needs a butt kicking (not physically obviously) it's his mother that delivers the smack down. I just try and dole out some sage advice here and there and buy him the coolest shit for his birthday and Christmas.   

[Anaticula]

Ah children, this weekend there was a screaming match because they both wanted the same rock. I finally ended it by making the older girl go outside and find a different rock, which she then presented to her sister to let her choose which rock she needed. Two minutes later they had no interest in the rocks at all.

 

Also, the 7 year old carries a gigantic ziplock bag full of acorns from house to house these days, 'in case the squirrels get in'.