Owlet returns from the mountain and dreams of more

[Owlet]

Can't seem to slow my heart down today, it feels like it is beating too hard and fast and it's making me uncomfortable  Not entirely sure why... I mean work is mildly stressful and I've got lots of other stuff on my plate, but still. Anyone else get this? 

[Owlet]

Actually I guess I do know why, overall, just that I'm not always sure what's going to set it off. I think it dates back to about 18 months ago when I was working stupidly long hours in a job I didn't like and getting bullied. I find it hard to talk to people at the best of times but conflict freaks me out so bad. On top of that my parents had just broken up, I had some heartbreak of my own, and I was having a major crisis about what I was doing with my life. Not really surprising that everything went to shit. I got over the depression eventually, after seeing a psychologist for a while and making a big effort to change aspects of myself. But ever since, I find the anxiety still creeps up on me if I get stressed out or even if I'm just really excited about something. Or sometimes my heart will just start beating really hard when I'm drifting off to sleep and then I'm wide awake for hours, not really sure why or what I'm stressing over but just have this physical reaction. ugh. Not really sure how to deal with it,since I usually feel ok-ish in my head. Tried breathing slowly and deep but a) it's really hard when your heart is beating like that and b)it doesn't really seem to help. The only pattern I've noticed is if I've been anxious during the week I will usually only fully relax on the weekend - and then, without all the adrenalin pumping, I am exhausted and I can't do all the fun/productive stuff I've planned  How do I do all the stuff I want to do but not get stressed?

[Butternut]

Oh Owlet, I feel for ya dear.  I'm so sorry.  That's a lot on someone. 

 

Stress and trauma to me is like working out a muscle.  You do squats for months and your muscles adapt to it, inspecting it to happen again. Your mind does the same thing.  Your used to this stress that your mind is waiting for it to happen.  

 

For me I try to accept the stress for what it is instead of trying to fight it. Fighting it only makes it stronger, when you accept it, your allowing it to run its course.  Let it adapt to what you truly want.  

[fleaball]

That's a lot of shit in a short time. I'm sorry.

 

Can you try some little things to deal with it? Like chamomile before bed, lavender scented things, all that stuff that's supposed to make you relax? And/or journaling before bed? Even if it's just a little bit. Maybe acknowledging that you're anxious or stressed about X thing, or just in general if you can't pinpoint it; give it the consideration and then "okay Thing, I've acknowledged your existence but it's time to move on now." Denying it or worrying about it just feeds the cycle. (Dear biology, how is this productive? Please stop.)

[Owlet]

Thanks Butternut and Flea, appreciate the kind words and wisdom  I think you're absolutely right about stress being similar to working a muscle, I am definitely more sensitive to stress these days and go into anxiety mode far too easily. I guess I'm just not really sure how to accept it and not fight it? I am a shocker for overthinking things and stewing over whatever's worrying me. Even when I meditate, I often find it brings all the shit to the surface where I can't ignore it and end up feeling worse. Maybe part of the problem is low self esteem and not believing that I can sort my shit out - I feel like if I could just tell myself everything's going to be ok, and believe, I could get back on track so much faster. Guess I should just start practicing, baby steps n all that. 

 

Still, it is at least appropriate that I'm having this struggle, I suppose, since my main goal for this challenge was to do all the things without getting too burnt out or stressed... which is exactly how I feel right now. So it's the perfect opportunity to learn new coping mechanisms and progress a little on this mad old journey. If I could just work out how haha...

 

Can you try some little things to deal with it? Like chamomile before bed, lavender scented things, all that stuff that's supposed to make you relax? And/or journaling before bed? 

yeah I drink a fuck-ton of chamomile and peppermint tea, and trying to get better at doing restful things before bed (journalling actually wakes me up and makes me think about all the stuff unfortunately, but I do like to do it now and then, more as a record for myself) but reading is generally good. The trouble is when I think I'm all good and then my heart will just start hammering away of its own accord, and then that makes my brain wake up and start fretting. 

 

I guess distraction kind of works - catching up with friends who are super bubbly and positive - but I'm struggling with that at the moment because I feel like I hardly get any time just to myself and also half the reason I'm feeling anxious is because I've got so much on my plate. If I could just get it done maybe I'd feel better. But then maybe not, and I hate turning down friends. But it turns into another source of stress, agonising over whether to work on art etc or socialise. Arrghhh.

 

Anyway, thought I might do a quick stocktake of things I have managed to achieve this week to see if that makes me feel better.

 

Level Up Your Life

• Painting: 3 sessions so far this week, will need another 1-2 sessions to finish the current painting (which is coming along nicely for once yay!)
• Lights out before 11:45pm -> mixed success, stayed up late last night for no particular reason, and couldn't get to sleep the night before so read a while.
• 2x meditation daily, 30mins morning and 15mins evening -> mostly good
  
  
• Plan next hike! -> discussed options with friend 

Diet

• Eat at least 3 carb-free meals a week -> still living off leftover roast lamb lol, carb-free every night except last night ate out and had some rice
• No ice cream for dessert, limit chocolate intake, try healthy alternatives -> good except last night shared a slice of delicious tart with icecream 
• No bread -> totes good wooo

Fitness

• Walk to and from work (2.2 km each way) 1x a week -> walked today
• Complete the NF bodyweight workout 2x a week -> only managed one workout so far
• Go for 2 lunchtime runs/walks per week -> did a good run on monday but all other lunchtimes were busy

Not strictly goal-related:

• Arranged with a (different) friend to borrow car and take painting to a (different) place in town to be scanned and printed. Bloody expensive but hopefully will result in awesomeness. Pretty much have to sell prints since the cost of all this is about the same as I am selling the original for and I'd like to make at least some profit.
• Went to the physio and got more exercises to help with knee injury, didn't have to make a return visit as it's mostly healed wheeee.
• Painted an overdue birthday card for friend (and rediscovered how nice watercolours are to work with), bought and gave gift, had big catchup chats and heard the first 3 songs of a live gig (we were both too tired to stay up any later and went home like nannas ha)
• Got a flu jab today, and walked the 1 km to and from (next to a busy road so not very calming, but sunny at least)
• Sacrificed lunchtime workout today to have lunch with the office and meet new people. Really agonised over this one because I was stressing about not meeting my exercise goals but in the end decided social distraction would be better for me in the wider scheme of things. Glad I did.
• Learnt some new skills at work and also realised I am way more confident with the other stuff now. Stressful being given urgent stuff to do, but also nice knowing I'm no longer the noob and can be trusted to deliver. Finished all the urgent stuff.

I feel like I did more stuff, but I guess it has only been 5 days. Thank god it's the weekend tomorrow!

[Dreamspin]

You've done so much already! It's hard to do so when you really want to get stuff done, but take it easy when you need to, and be kind to yourself. Triggers will happen, and it's ok. 

 

I went on sick leave in February for stress, and for the first few weeks, I napped a lot and didn't accomplish very much. Now I still need to assess when I'm getting close to my limits, even if it's a workout day or whatever. I have to be very mindful when deciding whether to push my limits or honour them. Yesterday I skipped Tai Chi class and yoga and spent time with my family instead, and that felt right at the time.

 

Take care! :-) 

[Treva]

sounds like you're doing awesome!  Anxiety is really rough to deal with, and like Dreamspin said, triggers happen and it's okay.  And I know that my issues will come up when I'm least expecting them--and constant vigilance against them is exhausting!

 

I really like that you plan to meditate regularly; that helped me a lot, and it build a habit of bringing your mind to a calm place.  I would use that ability to help me get through my anxiety patches.  For me, it was making self care a habit that made a difference in how much I was able to function.  I am confident you will find something that works for you!

 

Also YOU ART that's pretty awesome how cool is that pretty cool I think.

[Owlet]

 

You've done so much already! It's hard to do so when you really want to get stuff done, but take it easy when you need to, and be kind to yourself. Triggers will happen, and it's ok. 

 

I went on sick leave in February for stress, and for the first few weeks, I napped a lot and didn't accomplish very much. Now I still need to assess when I'm getting close to my limits, even if it's a workout day or whatever. I have to be very mindful when deciding whether to push my limits or honour them. Yesterday I skipped Tai Chi class and yoga and spent time with my family instead, and that felt right at the time.

 

Take care! :-) 

Thanks! Yeah I think I got too caught up in achieving all my goals (plus extra stuff) and lost sight of my main quest, ie don't get too overwhelmed and rundown. But even if I achieve all my goals, if it makes me unhappy then it kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it. I just hate seeing low scores next to my goals! But I will try harder to be nice to myself since I'm not always very good at that. I like how you phrased it 'pushing my limits or honouring them', might keep that in mind rather than thinking of passing or failing. Glad to hear you're doing better now, sounds like you've used your time off very positively  thanks for the advice. 

[Owlet]

 

sounds like you're doing awesome!  Anxiety is really rough to deal with, and like Dreamspin said, triggers happen and it's okay.  And I know that my issues will come up when I'm least expecting them--and constant vigilance against them is exhausting!

 

I really like that you plan to meditate regularly; that helped me a lot, and it build a habit of bringing your mind to a calm place.  I would use that ability to help me get through my anxiety patches.  For me, it was making self care a habit that made a difference in how much I was able to function.  I am confident you will find something that works for you!

 

Also YOU ART that's pretty awesome how cool is that pretty cool I think.

Yeah I think the meditating is good for me, although I need to be careful that it doesn't just turn into a worry session sometimes haha. Like I was saying in an earlier post though, I like the idea of practicing things like this that hopefully will be useful when I feel anxious. Haven't quite managed that yet but at least it's on my mind I guess. I like your idea of a self care habit, I might have to poach that! It's so easy to get swept away by all the things you need to do for deadlines and end up neglecting yourself, but that's no fun is it. 

Haha yup I art. It's a love hate relationship, today I am not loving it because I seem to be going around in circles. But overall I love it  thanks for the kind words!

[fleaball]

You've had a busy week, wow. I'm sorry anxiety is being such a dick right now. I wish I had better advice.

 

Have you thought about maybe making your next challenge a bare minimum kind of thing? Like pick 2 or 3 goals that you will absolutely hit however often they need to be done, so you can set a baseline for yourself, and then add more in June if you're comfortable with the progress you made in May? It's really hard not to ~DO ALL THE THINGS~ but it's also not helpful if you're doing things just to check them off a list rather than because you really want to do them or see value in them. (brb trying to remember this for myself.)

[Owlet]

Today's fun gross story is... The manhole on our lawn started gushing sewage this morning! And because it's Saturday no now was answering their phone. Eventually got hold of the landlord and council, and guys came round to fix it. I still haven't been outside I'm too scared lol. Apparently there were tree roots growing through the pipes, dammit trees. 

[fleaball]

Oh man. You cannot win, can you?

[Owlet]

Well the good news is that it rained last night, so hopefully that washed away any lingering badness from the manhole, phew! Also, bf introduced me to Community and we have been binge watching that, good times. Still feeling a bit on edge despite relaxing but trying to be ok with it. Had a bit of a meltdown yesterday cause I got so engrossed in catching up with my friend that I lost track of time and bf ended up waiting outside my house in the cold and made me feel terrible. Doesn't sound like a big deal but I was stressing out so much driving home, not nice  feel a bit crazy. 

 

Have you thought about maybe making your next challenge a bare minimum kind of thing? Like pick 2 or 3 goals that you will absolutely hit however often they need to be done, so you can set a baseline for yourself, and then add more in June if you're comfortable with the progress you made in May? It's really hard not to ~DO ALL THE THINGS~ but it's also not helpful if you're doing things just to check them off a list rather than because you really want to do them or see value in them. (brb trying to remember this for myself.)

Yeah it's an attractive idea.. I guess I just feel like I can't really ditch many of my goals right now - painting will carry over to next month as well cause exhibition is in early June and I'm committed to producing enough works for that. And everything is supposedly to help me - bedtime, exercise etc. I think I will try to listen to myself more though and stay mindful of whether a ticking off a goal is helping me or stressing me out at any time. Easier said than done of course. If I can find time I will try to treat myself now and then too - really need some new jeans, and my helmet visor is so scratched up it's driving me crazy - I think that will help stop life getting too grim. 

[Owlet]

More meltdowns, bleh. Seem to be an emotional mess this weekend. In other news, flatmates gave me socks they brought back from Japan that have sumo wrestler faces on them and little hands and feet that stick out as flaps... kinda creepy but amusing. 

[fleaball]

Boo meltdowns!  hugs for you. Those socks sound kind of terrifying though. 

[Owlet]

 

Boo meltdowns!  hugs for you. Those socks sound kind of terrifying though. 

I am tempted to wear them to work to weird out all the newbies haha.

[fleaball]

 

I am tempted to wear them to work to weird out all the newbies haha.

DO IT. DO THE THING. 

[Owlet]

Might as well do my weekly roundup now since I plan on doing very little this evening.

 

Level Up Your Life

• Painting: 4/4 painting still isn't finished and I resisted the impulse to do another session today because I am not in a great head space so probably would've just messed it up rather than make any real progress. 
• Lights out before 11:45pm -> 4/7 
• 2x meditation daily, 30mins morning and 15mins evening -> 5.5/7
• Plan next hike! -> discussed options with friend 
• total: 13.5/18

Diet

• Eat at least 3 carb-free meals a week -> 3/3 Roast lamb made this goal so easy this week  
• No ice cream for dessert, limit chocolate intake, try healthy alternatives -> 5/7 
• No bread -> 5/7 Weekend turned into cheat days with homemade pizza, no regrets
• total: 13/17

Fitness

• Walk to and from work (2.2 km each way) 1x a week -> 2/2
• Complete the NF bodyweight workout 2x a week -> 2/4 
• Go for 2 lunchtime runs/walks per week -> 2/4
• total: 6/10

I didn't quite meet my fitness goals this week, thanks to losing a few lunchtimes to other commitments. Could've made up for it over the weekend but since I was a bit of an emotional wreck I decided to lay low instead and just start fresh next week. Next week's aim to is focus on my mental health and not let goals stress me out. 

[Owlet]

I feel like I should be whispering this in case I jinx myself, but... I think I had a breakthrough yesterday. Or at least a minor ah-ha moment. Not really sure why, but when I was on my lunch break I just suddenly became aware of my body enough to feel the anxiety as a physical tightness in my chest. All this time I've been focusing on my heart beat or breathing, or the sharp pain in my chest. But I couldn't really control them. Once I became aware of the tightness though, I felt like if I concentrated on it I could relax it, and suddenly felt so much calmer. I still felt pretty anxious all day but just kept trying to relax my 'anxiety muscle' whenever I thought of it, and today I finally feel somewhat normal. Phew! For the first time I feel like I actually have some sort of coping mechanism (much like the horses in all those training videos I've been watching haha. Just had to keep running and being scared until I learnt how to deal with the thing that was scaring me) 

 

I think I still need to be careful about over-committing myself and getting in such a state in the first place though. Ideally the coping mechanism is for worst case scenarios, but I'd like to be more mindful about my limits in future. You guys were great at telling me it's ok to take a break from goals now and then to recuperate and I'd like to get to the point where I can tell myself this. All weekend I was feeling guilty for not painting or exercising etc, but today I finally feel refreshed and like I want to do those things, instead of feeling pressured and guilty.

 

Thanks for the advice and kind words guys, it really helped  

[Dreamspin]

That's so great to hear, way to go! :-D

[Treva]

Congratulations on the breakthrough!!!  that's awesome, go you!! *confetti everywhere*

[Owlet]

On 26/04/2016 at 11:43 AM, Treva said:

Congratulations on the breakthrough!!!  that's awesome, go you!! *confetti everywhere*

Yaay confetti! Thanks hehe.

 

Phew, can finally post again. So, progress since earlier this week... Still battling the anxiety a bit but I feel a lot better equipped to deal with it now. Haven't had any chest pain or madly beating heart in the last few days which is a huge relief. The tightness in my chest keeps creeping back so I've been making an effort to try and relax that whenever I notice it. 
 

Went for a run on my favourite hill track and noticed it is more of a fun run now rather than the gut-buster it used to be, so that is encouraging  Also noticed some of my clothes feel a little looser, so I don't feel so bad about falling off the bandwagon a bit last week. 

 

Finally finished the painting on tuesday night so that's another weight off (till I start the next one lol) I stayed up way too late working on it but decided it was worth it just to get it out of my life. Took it easy last night by watching Vikings, writing a long overdue wedding card for friends, and studying an essay on Buddhism that I am helping to present tonight. 

 

Muscles feel tired but I want to do another bodyweight workout today more for my mental state than anything. 

[Butternut]

Owlet you sound like a magician! Your getting so much stuff done, its awesome!

 

 

[Owlet]

4 hours ago, Butternut said:

Owlet you sound like a magician! Your getting so much stuff done, its awesome!

Haha thanks! Wizarding has left me stiff and tired, I am dreaming of soaking in a hot tub for hours... Somehow it never feels like I am doing enough with my time, but I also really like doing nothing but relax, hmmm

[Owlet]

WeeklyRoundup:

 

Level Up Your Life

• Painting: 2/4 Finally finished the painting and started another one! Also collected another painting from in town after being scanned and spent an evening fixing up the scan ready for print. Not counting that towards my goal though as it isn't related to the art show.
• Lights out before 11:45pm -> 4/7 No idea actually, I kind of stopped tracking this oops. Mostly good though I think
• 2x meditation daily, 30mins morning and 15mins evening -> 5/7
• Plan next hike! -> 
• total: 11/18

Diet

• Eat at least 3 carb-free meals a week -> 3/3 Lots of tasty stir frys 
• No ice cream for dessert, limit chocolate intake, try healthy alternatives -> 5/7 
• No bread -> 7/7 
• total: 15/17 

Fitness

• Walk to and from work (2.2 km each way) 1x a week -> 0/2 Gale force winds on the day I wanted to walk, but mostly I was just tired
• Complete the NF bodyweight workout 2x a week -> 4/4 
• Go for 2 lunchtime runs/walks per week -> 4/4 
• total: 8/10

Pretty pleased with this last week. life goals don't look that great but I think I made good progress considering the anxiety battles. Compared to how I was feeling last week, this is a win. Diet and fitness goals went pretty well. Date night last night so I treated myself to an ice cream at the movies  

Will continue next week (week zero) since I started a week late on this challenge and also I don't want to lose momentum between challenges. Need to start thinking about new goals...