Starting at square one. Again.

[crummie85]

Leveling up is harder than I thought, and life has a way of making things…complicated.

 

The last time I really posted on here was to introduce myself, and that was over a year and a half ago.  I started this quest with the best of intentions, but over time and by being distracted (more like looking for a distraction), I ended up right where I started. Frustrated, angry and tired. Really, really tired. Sometimes there is a kick in the butt moment that gets us going, and that moment for me should have been a while ago. My family has always struggled with weight, and in 2009, my mother passed away from complications related to her multiple health conditions. That scared me. I should have made a strong commitment at that time, but I never followed through. There were lots of times where I started, but like always, I couldn’t put my heart in it and I gave up.

 

I do that a lot. It’s a really frustrating place to be in – wanting to get somewhere better, but unable to find the will to keep going.  I was still angry at myself and upset that I had let myself fail. Again.  One of the biggest downfalls has been for me, which I was at the time the only one making the effort in my home. 

 

It is completely true that a hero needs a great supporting team to fight the really big battles, and that it’s nearly impossible to do it alone.

 I feel like I’ve been playing a game of Dark Souls with my health.  Each and every time I get a little farther, something nasty comes out of the woodwork to obliterate the effort I’ve made, and I sit dumbfounded while reading the phrase “YOUDIED” for the Nth time knowing that I’m going to have to fight the same enemies all over again to try and regain what little ground I had.  

 

Recently, a few very important events happened to bring me to the place where I feel like I can respawn and try again.

First, and probably the hardest, I lost someone else very close to me. For me, this was earth shattering. This was the person that took me in after my mom passed away, and was there for me when I needed them most.  In my mind, they were never going to die. It made me realize how fragile life really is, and how important it is to do what I can to make the best of my life. I wasted enough time; I can’t keep lying to myself and saying that the immediate high is better than being happier long term.

 

The second was that I was promoted at work, and with that comes better hours and a less stressful environment. I have seen an improvement in my state of mind in the short amount of time I have been working in the new department, and I feel better. This for me is huge, as stress has been a huge hindrance – by me using food to comfort me when I’m stressed.

 

The third and maybe the most important thing for me was that my husband - and partner in crime, has decided to take his health seriously. This means that we can as a team support each other and I feel more confident about a win.

 

Beyond making a plan for meals for the week, and prepping my lunches, I will admit that I am really a complete newbie when it comes to this, and I worry that jumping in too fast will cause me to fail. I’m terrified of failing so hard that completely give up and I never try again.

 

I’m hoping that this is the time that I make it and that I finally win my Level 1 boss battle.

[Slayer]

You've got this! I totally understand the frustration involved when you have to start over... and over... and over. But even when it doesn't feel like it, you learn something every time!

 

Are you participating in the four-week challenge this go round? It's a nice way to get some accountability and some structure.