Urgan Shows Up, Does the Thing

[ixaera]

11 hours ago, Urgan said:

Nothing quite like being just miserable enough to leave but knowing the minute you leave the building you'll be fine. Like, literally. Walking outside the building I felt fine. 

 

NOT NEARLY the same thing because of scope but I've been fine most of the day aside from some sinus pressure here and there and I walked out into the backyard to check the siding work happening and BOOM SNEEZES EVERYWHERE ALL OVER THE PLACE eyes started going

wtf am I allergic to hardie board??

 

Spoiler

ours is more like, I have a sad please listen and it's a crapshoot whether I'll get a hug or he'll nod dismissively and go back to his show

 

feelings are hard and some people suck at empathy sometimes

 

I'm not personally the best at it but gosh, people, just show you care a bit that's all

 

good luck with mope mode :/ 

 

[Urgan]

8/1/2018

...come on, just guess

 

Recovery

Sleep - 3/25

2350 cals - 2284 : 2155

Fruit

 

Aikido

Jo - 0/10 

Suwari Waza - 0/5

 

Adulting

SQL - 14%

Math - 0/5 - 33%

New Tires 8/2 

 

Squat

45           5

135         5

160         3

180         1

195         5x1

 

Deadlifts

155         5

175         3

190         1

205         2x1

 

Yup. Morning PR +2lbs for +2 sets and I still had a few minutes for some deadlifts. Winning. 

I did some more SQL study and started working on the first week's math lesson. I was on the way into the dojo when I remembered it was test night. Test night starts an hour earlier and I was getting in right before everyone was about to leave. So I scooted on out of there before anyone saw me. A mercy because my left contact lens got really, really angry (astigmatism for the lose) in the evening and I had to drive covering the eye up basically the whole time. More resting time for me. 

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

 

NOT NEARLY the same thing because of scope but I've been fine most of the day aside from some sinus pressure here and there and I walked out into the backyard to check the siding work happening and BOOM SNEEZES EVERYWHERE ALL OVER THE PLACE eyes started going

wtf am I allergic to hardie board??

 

  Reveal hidden contents

ours is more like, I have a sad please listen and it's a crapshoot whether I'll get a hug or he'll nod dismissively and go back to his show

 

feelings are hard and some people suck at empathy sometimes

 

I'm not personally the best at it but gosh, people, just show you care a bit that's all

 

good luck with mope mode :/ 

 

 

It's similar but inverted, sure enough. Nothing like suddenly being ambushed by SINUS ATTACK GO.

 

I wish I ever got acknowledged as having a sad. The most I get is a couple grunts. If there isn't a concrete solution to the problem, then screw it can't be helped.

The shoe doesn't go on other other foot, of course....

I'm not asking anyone much less him to fix anything because often times the damage is already done, but damn just a hint of care would go miles.

 

 

 

And in today's men treating me like trash for aaaabsolutely no reason segment, we have the car shop driver dropping me off at my work. He learns I do "computer work" there, and declares I must be bad at it. I give him this stupid what did you say? face and he's like, you're good at it? And I'm like, well I hope so, they pay me to be good at my job, I would think.

 

 

fuck.

 

 

Fuck.

 

 

FUCK it all and burn it to the ground and sow it with salt and warn your children's children never to go there.

[Urgan]

Update: I am told by someone not this person that I just did not understand, he meant bad as in badass. If someone says you're probably bad at something and then when you don't agree replies with the opposite statement in a tone of voice that says they're struggling to believe it to be the case, how else do you take that? Don't you use inflection when you're saying "bad" to mean really good/skilled? You know, in order to make that point clear? There was no inflection. 

 

My response to this is don't treat me like some bizarre species of flower that comes apart if exposed to oxygen. I don't have this problem interacting with other people. I just want to be treated like a person who can pick up her own crap and open a car door with an unloaded arm and not feel like a fucking moron the minute I step into their space.

[Kishi]

Good grief.

 

Men are objectively The Worst. I do say this as a men.

 

Spoiler

I've never been through that in the context of a spousal/romantic relationship, but I do know what it's like to have Feels and no place to show them. I've made friends with a lot of mood/personality disordered people, and my problems are always these small, simple to solve things that aren't as important as the Grand Important Things That I Just Can't Even With, Kishi, You Don't Even Know.

 

Which is one thing, because I'm used to people disappointing me, but I imagine that you hold this person you chose to be with to a way higher standard than most, and for him to let you down like that has gotta suck something fierce. How disappointing. I hope for your sake he levels up into someone better.

 

[Urgan]

10 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Good grief.

 

Men are objectively The Worst. I do say this as a men.

 

I just don't have this problem with anyone else, male or female. Anywhere else. Ever. They just insist on treating me so awkwardly that's it's Fails Emporium every single time. At best, this was self-censorship that managed to ruin my day because who can't inflect and/or just say "badass" like everyone else? 

 

I have a feeling there's an assumption that this is going to blow over and I'll want to take my car back there, but I don't think that's happening this time. Did I mention the guy going to bat for the driver is my step-father-in-law? #awkward #family

 

I have such a headache now.

 

10 minutes ago, Kishi said:

 

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I've never been through that in the context of a spousal/romantic relationship, but I do know what it's like to have Feels and no place to show them. I've made friends with a lot of mood/personality disordered people, and my problems are always these small, simple to solve things that aren't as important as the Grand Important Things That I Just Can't Even With, Kishi, You Don't Even Know.

 

Which is one thing, because I'm used to people disappointing me, but I imagine that you hold this person you chose to be with to a way higher standard than most, and for him to let you down like that has gotta suck something fierce. How disappointing. I hope for your sake he levels up into someone better.

 

 

 

Okay first of all, you can have the very worst life experience ever, and it doesn't offset or invalidate someone else's pain. Now if you are talking to a just-raped person about running into a coffee table that's one thing--time and place, kids, time and place--but your sinus problem isn't overwriting my migraine. This isn't a thing people get to do, judge problems and decide whether yours is fit to vent just because there is other bad in the world. People don't have the right to make other people's problems feel like jack nothing, like why are you even unhappy with your bad thing because MY bad thing is earth-ending. No matter their situation. I mean, if you're supposed to be friends or family there should be some caring for your well-being, too. Okay family tends to be full of unredeemable craven shitheads who treat blood ties like a hangman's noose, but still. Friends shouldn't do that to other friends. It's not a pissing match. Except when people get the idea that it is and at that point they're blinded by selfishness as one might be while actively hurting. And the devil of the thing is it take a lot of energy to break past that and live on a higher level than that and sometimes you just have be taught the hard way. Energy for the person doing the teaching especially because who the Hell has time to mother a man 2 years older than you? * throws hands up *

 

Yeah, this the part nobody writes about in the romance movies, that 3 - 5 years after marriage and all that sparkle-shine is gonzo. The times when you expect support when you could really use it and it just ain't there. My husband isn't special in this respect, he's just a human and humans will be this way.

[Mistr]

8 hours ago, Urgan said:

And in today's men treating me like trash for aaaabsolutely no reason segment, we have the car shop driver dropping me off at my work. He learns I do "computer work" there, and declares I must be bad at it. I give him this stupid what did you say? face and he's like, you're good at it? And I'm like, well I hope so, they pay me to be good at my job, I would think.

 

 

WTF!?!?!?!?!?!  And he expects you to spend money at his business?

 

Note that he did not apologize for being unclear and offending you. Case closed.

 

49 minutes ago, Urgan said:

 

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Okay first of all, you can have the very worst life experience ever, and it doesn't offset or invalidate someone else's pain. Now if you are talking to a just-raped person about running into a coffee table that's one thing--time and place, kids, time and place--but your sinus problem isn't overwriting my migraine. This isn't a thing people get to do, judge problems and decide whether yours is fit to vent just because there is other bad in the world. People don't have the right to make other people's problems feel like jack nothing, like why are you even unhappy with your bad thing because MY bad thing is earth-ending. No matter their situation. I mean, if you're supposed to be friends or family there should be some caring for your well-being, too. Okay family tends to be full of unredeemable craven shitheads who treat blood ties like a hangman's noose, but still. Friends shouldn't do that to other friends. It's not a pissing match. Except when people get the idea that it is and at that point they're blinded by selfishness as one might be while actively hurting. And the devil of the thing is it take a lot of energy to break past that and live on a higher level than that and sometimes you just have be taught the hard way. Energy for the person doing the teaching especially because who the Hell has time to mother a man 2 years older than you? * throws hands up *

Yeah, this the part nobody writes about in the romance movies, that 3 - 5 years after marriage and all that sparkle-shine is gonzo. The times when you expect support when you could really use it and it just ain't there. My husband isn't special in this respect, he's just a human and humans will be this way.

 

 

 

Spoiler

Yep. People do not come with relationship skills, any more than they come with language skills. They pick up both from their families. Sounds like your husband did not have good examples in that department.

 

The positive side is that these are in fact skills, and can be learned. I started with minimal relationship skills. Have you ever played Minecraft? It felt like I had some wood tools that broke all the time. Dumbledore and I had to make stone tools the hard way. After much ongoing work, we are up to steel tools. Mostly. Efforts to upgrade are continuing.

 

One phrase that served us well was "when you say X, I feel Y". I got this from a professional therapist. I paid for this tool and am happy to share.

 

Remember that no one can argue about how you feel. He might say "but I didn't mean that". True and irrelevant. My answer would be "I'm happy you didn't mean to be a jerk, but I still feel Y". Next comes the negotiation phase. Maybe he agrees to change his language. Maybe he agrees to do something different. Maybe he holds his ground and you wait for a chance to demonstrate why that is not getting him what he wants.

 

When Dumbledore and I got legally married, a friend gave us a heart-shaped pillow with the phrase "Love, Honor and Negotiate". Truth.

 

[Urgan]

8/2/2018

This day, this week--so far, so good, August!

 

Recovery

Sleep - 3/25

2350 cals - 2239 : 2102

Fruit

 

Aikido

Jo - 0/10 

Suwari Waza - 0/5

 

Adulting

SQL - 21%

Math - 0/5 - 33%

New Tires 8/2                                                                    F it 

 

So you know how yesterday went. No matter how you come down on the incident, it ruined the day, full-stop. I have only just realized that when I go to this car shop, I'm subconsciously preparing to have a Bad Time. If my descriptions of the encounters aren't enough, consider that I told my husband on Wednesday night to prepare himself to bring me taquitos for dinner because there is zero chance of dinner happening due to exhaustion. Mostly physical, but also mental. OTOH, the only good part of the day was I got taquitos and had the sense to remind him to have the restaurant leave off the sour cream. #atleasttheresthat 

 

I did some SQL studying, but was too angry and rattled to even consider looking at Calculus. Food is low because I slept through my last snack of the night and simultaneously blew up my Sleep curfew. #score #twofer Maybe one day I'll remember my Aikido stuff, or it won't be overshadowed by just gawdawful social interactions at some point this week.

 

15 hours ago, Mistr said:

WTF!?!?!?!?!?!  And he expects you to spend money at his business?

 

Note that he did not apologize for being unclear and offending you. Case closed.

 

The thing is this particular human is not got all his marbles in the first place, which is an argument for either interpretation of the encounter. It's extra complicated because this business is managed (not owned, but essentially run/kept up with) by my step-father-in-law, which gets Family into it. Never get Family into anything, ever. Do not recommend.

 

So here's how the average visit to this place goes for me. 

1. I don't know much of anything about cars, and I have a very superficial grasp of the reason for my visit often times. As we may know symptoms, but not the problem itself. What's the big deal about that, you ask? Well husband works on cars so he can get within striking distance of a diagnosis before I set foot in the door. And I'm totally okay with not being a car expert, God knows. But that's my starting point, lack of knowledge and comfort with this subject.

2. There's a large emphasis on the old-fashioned door opening, stuff carrying in this place. Not a problem universally, especially in the event that there is literally too much stuff to be carried in one trip (not the case at the shop, ever).

3. There are often stupid little jokes made at my expense that have the effect of cutting me down or making me feel even more uncomfortable than I already was, usually at the point of picking up the vehicle as we have more time/are forced to wait for the car to be ready to go.

4. Half the time I am not allowed to know the cost of the repair and attempt to argue that I need to know, but no. He wants to talk to my husband about it because I suspect--but have not been told straight-up--sometimes there's another customer in the building and he's paranoid about the fact that I'm getting things at cost and the other customer obviously is not. This is stupid, but at least it's a reason. And yesterday I was allowed to both know the cost of and cut the check for the bill. Gasp.

 

So what we have here is a situation where I'm not comfortable going into this place, I'm not afforded the ability to be physically independent like an adult, not being allowed to take ownership of paying the bill like an adult, and then nothing like being teased on top of it all. Yesterday's teasing was the especially ironic joke that I don't come over unless I need something and that my husband calls to make the arrangements (because it's his step-dad AND he knows how to discuss the problem...). Hilarious, isn't it? Also I failed to react strongly because I am very, very bad at reacting to this kind of thing timely and sometimes I'm just too damn tired and I've had so much confrontation this week already. So now I'm left fuming impotently now. Yay.

 

We got on the subject of martial arts, because my step-dad knows I do them. He introduced me to a guy in a wheelchair who works there and told him I do karate. I corrected him. They talked about a coworker who leaves early to teach karate, he's got 40+ years of experience and I think they said a 3rd degree black belt. Only it wasn't karate, it was something else they couldn't remember what it was. And you know if you get the names mixed up "they get mad about that, because they're different." I of course backed this up, saying that they are in fact completely different, it doesn't even take any experience to tell it because if you were to watch them, they behave in totally different ways. This may give you Monks an idea of the conversational tweaking I endure over the last four years of car maintenance. 

 

So that's sorta what I'm dealing with here. it's a good example of trying to relate and just sorta falling flat. It's a very draining experience. I don't ever want to go back and it's going to be hard to avoid it because we either pay a lot more money and/or it causes a lot more trouble for people around me. But I'm very unhappy and I'm going to do my best to let everyone around me know why.

 

15 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Yep. People do not come with relationship skills, any more than they come with language skills. They pick up both from their families. Sounds like your husband did not have good examples in that department.

 

The positive side is that these are in fact skills, and can be learned. I started with minimal relationship skills. Have you ever played Minecraft? It felt like I had some wood tools that broke all the time. Dumbledore and I had to make stone tools the hard way. After much ongoing work, we are up to steel tools. Mostly. Efforts to upgrade are continuing.

 

One phrase that served us well was "when you say X, I feel Y". I got this from a professional therapist. I paid for this tool and am happy to share.

 

Remember that no one can argue about how you feel. He might say "but I didn't mean that". True and irrelevant. My answer would be "I'm happy you didn't mean to be a jerk, but I still feel Y". Next comes the negotiation phase. Maybe he agrees to change his language. Maybe he agrees to do something different. Maybe he holds his ground and you wait for a chance to demonstrate why that is not getting him what he wants.

 

When Dumbledore and I got legally married, a friend gave us a heart-shaped pillow with the phrase "Love, Honor and Negotiate". Truth.

 

 

You may be more right than you know. My husband is an identical twin, and I'm not sure how much time they weren't treated like part of a set. This doesn't allow much for independent development. We're getting better since he's married to me and his brother has the Headcrab (no prizes for guessing how she got that nickname from me....) and that means they have to be treated more like individual men and less like "the twins." You wouldn't think that label would have an insidious side effect, would you? It's cute when they're like, 5. Not so much when they're over 30.

 

I did break it down that it wasn't a matter of condemning his intentions, it's just that the effect of his words were totally negative. He is acting a little more sympathetically ATM and was able to talk about the bad time of backing a trailer into his boss's truck at the very end of the day without making me feel like a lesser creature and we were both able to commiserate with each other's problems. GASP. PROGRESS. 

[Kishi]

16 hours ago, Urgan said:

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Spoiler

What nonononono, that's not where I was trying to go. I was trying to avoid the trope of the dude who hears someone's problem and is like, "yeah, that's bad, but this other thing is equivalently bad," when my subjective experience of it isn't near as bad as what you went/go through. My heart is hardened against it. It's not okay, but I don't care. There's a reason I don't bring up people all that much when I kvetch over in my Battle Log.

I do care for your troubles, though. It's a people thing, you're right, but that doesn't make it right. You're supposed to have a partner, and the partner is supposed to carry some weight. In this instance he failed, and that sucks, and I know what that's like, and so I am sympathetic. Although it does sound like y'all took a step in the right direction then, so eff yeah, progress.

 

26 minutes ago, Urgan said:

the only good part of the day was I got taquitos and had the sense to remind him to have the restaurant leave off the sour cream. #atleasttheresthat

 

Hey. Taquitos ain't nothing.

 

27 minutes ago, Urgan said:

They talked about a coworker who leaves early to teach karate, he's got 40+ years of experience and I think they said a 3rd degree black belt. Only it wasn't karate, it was something else they couldn't remember what it was. And you know if you get the names mixed up "they get mad about that, because they're different." I of course backed this up, saying that they are in fact completely different, it doesn't even take any experience to tell it because if you were to watch them, they behave in totally different ways. This may give you Monks an idea of the conversational tweaking I endure over the last four years of car maintenance. 

 

Well, the mats are a good place to teach people the difference.

 

But yeah, seriously, what a bunch of assholes. If they're gonna knock on you like that, you might as well just send the Hubsand to deal with that. You ain't got time.

[Urgan]

38 minutes ago, Kishi said:

 

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What nonononono, that's not where I was trying to go. I was trying to avoid the trope of the dude who hears someone's problem and is like, "yeah, that's bad, but this other thing is equivalently bad," when my subjective experience of it isn't near as bad as what you went/go through. My heart is hardened against it. It's not okay, but I don't care. There's a reason I don't bring up people all that much when I kvetch over in my Battle Log.

I do care for your troubles, though. It's a people thing, you're right, but that doesn't make it right. You're supposed to have a partner, and the partner is supposed to carry some weight. In this instance he failed, and that sucks, and I know what that's like, and so I am sympathetic. Although it does sound like y'all took a step in the right direction then, so eff yeah, progress.

 

 

Ah, well you don't have to go to great lengths--just don't literally say you're prefer my problem to yours while I'm still having that problem and we good lol. 

 

People are such...People. Like, all the time. Lol.

 

41 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Well, the mats are a good place to teach people the difference.

 

They made a face when talking about coworker's teaching program becoming bigger. I think they worry that his after-work schedule might become even more busy which is a problem for them since he has arrangements to leave "early" to go teach. Keep in mind SFIL was there when I got there at 7 and he was there when I returned after 5 and I guarantee you he left work over half an hour after that. So they don't have any concept of work-life balance at that place. I'm pretty sure it's #hourlypaylife and I know their situation isn't great, money-wise. It just sucks all the way around. 

 

45 minutes ago, Kishi said:

But yeah, seriously, what a bunch of assholes. If they're gonna knock on you like that, you might as well just send the Hubsand to deal with that. You ain't got time.

 

I think the only way to make this work is for me to cowgirl up and learn how to drive Mike's car (it's automatic, I'm just really really afraid of driving cars that aren't mine through my commute because Irrational Fear. This one is better than Old Job commute in terms of the Crazy). It would be the only way to keep some kind of harmony without me having to accept my feelings getting stepped on just because Old-Fashioned. 

[Kishi]

22 minutes ago, Urgan said:

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

 

Ah, well you don't have to go to great lengths--just don't literally say you're prefer my problem to yours while I'm still having that problem and we good lol. 

 

People are such...People. Like, all the time. Lol.
 

 

 

 

 

Noted.

 

23 minutes ago, Urgan said:

They made a face when talking about coworker's teaching program becoming bigger. I think they worry that his after-work schedule might become even more busy which is a problem for them since he has arrangements to leave "early" to go teach. Keep in mind SFIL was there when I got there at 7 and he was there when I returned after 5 and I guarantee you he left work over half an hour after that. So they don't have any concept of work-life balance at that place. I'm pretty sure it's #hourlypaylife and I know their situation isn't great, money-wise. It just sucks all the way around. 

 

Yeah, well, if it's SFIL's place, then he's probably super-invested in it. It's a quirk of entrepreneurship, that you have to be on and out there all the time or else you ain't making money. It's a real bugbear.

 

26 minutes ago, Urgan said:

I think the only way to make this work is for me to cowgirl up and learn how to drive Mike's car (it's automatic, I'm just really really afraid of driving cars that aren't mine through my commute because Irrational Fear. This one is better than Old Job commute in terms of the Crazy). It would be the only way to keep some kind of harmony without me having to accept my feelings getting stepped on just because Old-Fashioned.

 

I get that, FWIW. I have no reason to be uncomfortable driving my Mom's car, but I do get nervous because it's not mine, you know? Or like whenever I have to move my Dad's truck. It's just not the same thing.

[shaar]

1 hour ago, Urgan said:

 

So here's how the average visit to this place goes for me. 

1. I don't know much of anything about cars, and I have a very superficial grasp of the reason for my visit often times. As we may know symptoms, but not the problem itself. What's the big deal about that, you ask? Well husband works on cars so he can get within striking distance of a diagnosis before I set foot in the door. And I'm totally okay with not being a car expert, God knows. But that's my starting point, lack of knowledge and comfort with this subject.

2. There's a large emphasis on the old-fashioned door opening, stuff carrying in this place. Not a problem universally, especially in the event that there is literally too much stuff to be carried in one trip (not the case at the shop, ever).

3. There are often stupid little jokes made at my expense that have the effect of cutting me down or making me feel even more uncomfortable than I already was, usually at the point of picking up the vehicle as we have more time/are forced to wait for the car to be ready to go.

4. Half the time I am not allowed to know the cost of the repair and attempt to argue that I need to know, but no. He wants to talk to my husband about it because I suspect--but have not been told straight-up--sometimes there's another customer in the building and he's paranoid about the fact that I'm getting things at cost and the other customer obviously is not. This is stupid, but at least it's a reason. And yesterday I was allowed to both know the cost of and cut the check for the bill. Gasp.

 

 

Wow.  This whole thing smacks of old-timey antiquated "good ol' boy" gender roles and franky, fuck that noise.  Is this the only place you can go?  Having to stand up for yourself in that kind of environment is clearly exhausting (and infuriating) (and just unfair), and it's probably not even going to be worth your time to try and assert yourself repeatedly in the face of hard-wired behavior. 

 

Car issues suck enough, you shouldn't have to be treated pedantically to boot. :[

[Urgan]

2 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

Wow.  This whole thing smacks of old-timey antiquated "good ol' boy" gender roles and franky, fuck that noise.  Is this the only place you can go?  Having to stand up for yourself in that kind of environment is clearly exhausting (and infuriating) (and just unfair), and it's probably not even going to be worth your time to try and assert yourself repeatedly in the face of hard-wired behavior. 

 

Car issues suck enough, you shouldn't have to be treated pedantically to boot. :[

 

There is a lot of that, and it comes from a well-meaning intent, but the context is all wrong for me because this is coming from a place where I need just a little ability to have a say in my situation even if it's as basic as opening doors and picking things up. Most guys just don't get that right away until you explain it to them, and then they typically will at least get your point even if they go back to intention as a defensive measure. Because LBR who likes to be called out? 

 

I could refuse to have my car worked on by them, but then I would be trading the periodic anxiety and Bad Time of interacting with the man while in FRIENDLY mode vs the periodic anxiety and Bad Time of interacting with the man in UNfriendly mode. See the quandary? 

 

I'm definitely not down for a emotional Mexican Stand-off, so I think car swapping is going to have to do unless somebody involved in the situation comes up with a better plan. 

[Kishi]

36 minutes ago, Urgan said:

There is a lot of that, and it comes from a well-meaning intent, but the context is all wrong for me because this is coming from a place where I need just a little ability to have a say in my situation even if it's as basic as opening doors and picking things up. Most guys just don't get that right away until you explain it to them, and then they typically will at least get your point even if they go back to intention as a defensive measure. Because LBR who likes to be called out?

 

Action carries more weight than intention, though. And if their delicate little man-feelings can't handle the discipline of correction, then it says more about who they are rather than you.

 

Easier said than dealt with, tho.

[Urgan]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

Action carries more weight than intention, though. And if their delicate little man-feelings can't handle the discipline of correction, then it says more about who they are rather than you.

 

I am willing to count intention in how I deal with people going forward because the obliviousness* is demonstrably real, but in order to do so, I expect a corresponding behavior adjustment. Given I will not get that in this case because "they're just old-fashioned" somehow immunizes them from having to adjust how they interact with women. It's more complex than that simple declaration because I cannot imagine they poke fun at regular female customers (or talk to them as much I end up doing because it would be a simple business transaction for them) and that they must feel at liberty to do so because of the family connection. I figure letting my husband handle all interaction with them will solve their issue with my only showing up when I want something lol. There, not showing up at all. 

 

*Seriously, they just dumb.

[Mistr]

4 hours ago, Urgan said:

I'm definitely not down for a emotional Mexican Stand-off, so I think car swapping is going to have to do unless somebody involved in the situation comes up with a better plan. 

 

2 hours ago, Urgan said:

I figure letting my husband handle all interaction with them will solve their issue with my only showing up when I want something lol. There, not showing up at all. 

 

There, you have it. It's his family, he has the expertise, make him deal with them.

 

You are a competent adult with years of driving experience. You can drive his car when yours needs to go to the shop. Or you can make him drop you off at work and pick you up if he needs to use his car during the day.

[Urgan]

51 minutes ago, Mistr said:

There, you have it. It's his family, he has the expertise, make him deal with them.

 

You are a competent adult with years of driving experience. You can drive his car when yours needs to go to the shop. Or you can make him drop you off at work and pick you up if he needs to use his car during the day.

 

Now I just need to convince him I'm not flying off the handle because of this one dude, it's more like this was the last straw.

[ixaera]

FRICK stepdads-in-law

frick them

 

Some people come with an extra few heaps of the special secret idiot sauce and there's just no helping the bastards. You're better at this it sounds like than I would be, because my method has tended towards the Never Need These People And Avoid At All Times

 

which can carry a dose of bad with it too 

 

best of luck with this one because change only really occurs when the other party acknowledges the problem and works on it For Real as opposed to just waiting for you to "forget" and going back to the status quo. Relationship skills are rare; everyone puts their skill points into random stuff that's not as useful growing up, like playing Pogs or something

 

<3

[Urgan]

8/3/2018 - 8/5/2018

Or maybe dreaming

 

Recovery

Sleep - 4/25

2350 cals - 2268 : 2274, 2387, 2263

Fruit

 

Aikido

Jo - 2/10 

Suwari Waza - 0/5

 

Adulting

SQL - 27%

Math - 1/5 

New Tires 8/2                                                                    F it 

 

Friday

OHP

45         5

55         5

60         3

70         1

75         1

80         5x1

 

Bench

45         5

70         5

80         3

90         1

98.5      1

80         5x3

 

Every bit of an intensity PR for OHP, given my max sets had been 3. Lots of upgrades from 3 sets to 5s have been happening, and I will TAKE. IT. Especially given I am "cutting" back down to my normal macros this week and hit with two very undeserved emotional haymakers. I don't generally do the whole "rage-lifting" thing because lifting is kind of a sanctuary from most of life's BS, but I came damn close to that today. Also I didn't have anything good for lunch because KO'd right out of the kitchen due to above mentioned haymakers. So. I had Ethiopian food for the first time. Or rather, I nibbled very spicy stew and ate a LOT of rice and beans. And prayed that this would not result in just the awfulest time later.  There was more drama after work, but honestly I'm just Done with it now.

 

Saturday

Squat

45           5

135         5

150         3

170         1

190         1

200         5x1

202.5      1--1RM PR + 2.5!!

205         1--1RM PR + 5!!

 

Deadlifts

155         5

175         3

190         1

213         1

225         5x1

 

I may have PR'd my squat 1RM for the first time since mid-September 2016, AKA nearly two years ago because Screw You, Old Job. May have done, after fearfully attempting 200lbs and doubling the number of times I've gotten under that weight, which suggests I have a good bit more in me than that had I gotten braver sooner. OH WELL DAMN I MEAN REALLY. 

 

Jo happened, I think. 

 

Sunday

I did less than nothing more than absolutely required. And it was glorious. 

 

My weight is trending in a good direction, 120.8 > 119 > 119.4 > 118.6 > 118.6 > 117 > 117.6. So my macros are working well enough, my pants and shorts feel better, which was the goal here now to see if my performance stays strong. 

[Kishi]

Feeling better and lifting better means that things are going better. Good.

[Urgan]

37 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Feeling better and lifting better means that things are going better. Good.

 

At the least things are not actively on fire lol.

[Urgan]

Also needed to note that I am on track with my Cal I curriculum and ahead of the game on SQL, helpful in that the content I'm going through is a known quantity and/or short. I'm learning something about myself in this effort, namely the magnitude of difference in learning something when it is not at someone else's behest.

 

To put a fine point on it, fear/anxiety cripples your ability to receive new information, and nothing says fear/anxiety like You Better Learn this Hard Material (that doesn't come naturally at ALL) Inside 3 Months or Your Life Will Be Over. Being in a college Cal course to me is like being a hungover sled dog being dragged along by the harness--your professor drives the pace, and sucks to be you if you can't pick it up. Throw in the slight language barrier of every single math teacher having a very thick Eastern European or Russian accent and it was just way harder to grasp than it had any right to be. 

 

To use another colorful analogy, learning math in a group setting is like being physically crippled to the point where you can walk, but you have to take the stairs one leg at a time, watching the professor leap down to the next landing and look up at me, confused about what's taking me so long to arrive where they are. And if that weren't enough, they only have a bank of like ten problems and like Hell they're wasting one of their Good Ones on the practice problems during lecture, no sir, no ma'am. You're getting baby examples and astrophysics level problems on the exam. 

 

Watching these videos, I'm at least following along vs blinking wondering how in God's Name they arrived at that result. It does help that I'm ~remembering~ some of it, but recognizing squiggles on a page vs understanding it is a totally different thing. 

[shaar]

1 hour ago, Urgan said:

 

Sunday

I did less than nothing more than absolutely required. And it was glorious. 

 

 

Literally the best Sundays ever.

[Urgan]

5 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

Literally the best Sundays ever.

 

It is my goal to have as many of them as possible without being a Bad Person.

[Urgan]

8/6/2018

I know that feel

Recovery

Sleep - 4/25

2350 cals - 2359 : 2359

Fruit

 

Aikido

Jo - 2/10 

Suwari Waza - 0/5

 

Adulting

SQL - 38%

Math - 1/5 - 24%

 

Bench

45         5

55         5

65         3

75         3

85         1

99         5x2--2RM PR + .5!!

 

OHP

45         3x5

55         3

67         5x1

65         5x3

 

Not the worst start to the week, I guess. Woke up an hour early having to use the bathroom, didn't want to get up so I waited a half hour then gave up, crawled back into bed afterward and then heard a cat barf. Somewhere in the dark. Sigh. Well, you can't say I wasn't awake in time for my alarm....Gym went well in spite of essentially losing an hour's sleep, as you can see. I may have done All of the Sets. 

 

I'm making good progress on my math and SQL stuff, lots of dead time that it filled. I did not have too much trouble with hitting calories today, but later on it will get interesting due to all meals planned being lower calorie (<500...ugh why). Dang good thing there's a bag of M&Ms on the kitchen table is all I have to say. 

 

Aikido was brutal, it was stupid amounts of conditioning type warmup followed by super-mean two hands on one technique variations that results in more sore joints than not-sore ones. Came home and failed hard at not falling asleep to Youtube, so. No point for me there.

[shaar]

I swear, cats puking in Mystery Locations at 4am is way more effective than any alarm clock..............