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fleaball

Fleaball: Battle Kitten Rising

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Okay. So. Apologies for radio silence. My mood got wonky again. (I'm definitey PMSing but my period is also a week late what the fuck.) I just didn't want to deal with anyone, including people on the interwebs. Not for any discernible reason. I contemplated giving up on the challenge too. There's something about the setup that's not working. It's not that I have too many goals, but I need to reframe them somehow. I keep looking at them as things I have to do rather than want to do (and I really do want to run and eat fun vegan food etc) and then I turn into a child who avoids everything because you can't tell me what to do. The weather could be a legit reason for the funk, because we've had the wettest/most overcast May on record so far. So it's rainy and gross and on the chilly side if not straight up cold, which is miserable. Anyway, the plan was to scrap the challenge but still try to aim for all my goals, except now it would be "lol no pressure it's fine!" Which doesn't even work. So meh. Basically I've spent Friday-today curled up under a blanket. Watched the first season of Legends of Tomorrow, re-watched Sense8 (in French!), started Jessica Jones, did a lot of staring into space because I was bored out of my mind but also didn't want to do anything. Will discuss with my therapist tomorrow. 

 

One of the things that's killing me is that I need a routine of some kind, but I'm shit at actually setting up a routine and sticking to it. The answer is probably just to suck it up and stick to something anyway and stop making excuses. >> I am great at coming up with excuses, and even though they don't usually hold water they're enough for me to not do a thing. 

 

Car news: Got the check on Saturday and surprise, the memo line on the check says "total loss." There's no accompanying letter or any kind of explanation. So of course I'm stuck waiting all weekend to call them and figure out what the fuck is going on. Come Monday I call and learn the company did, in fact, declare it unfixable and the $3400 is what they deemed to be the value of my car. Which is a hell of a lot more than I expected. I also get to keep it because basically it's too much effort for them to come get it/change the ownership/scrap it/whatever. My friend showed her mom's boyfriend pics of some of the damage last weekend and he's sure he can fix it. I'm going to call this weekend and talk to him and see what can be done. (I discovered today my emergency brake is also busted, so I'm concerned there may be damage underneath.) Apparently he also fixes up and flips cars on the side, so my friend thinks if he can't fix it he could probably get me another for around $2k. Not pinning all my hopes on that of course, but we'll see what happens. 

 

Job front: Got my rec letter (she had just arrived in Hawaii for a family vacation but wrote it anyway!). Got the application in. Cross your fingers, kids. 

 

That's really all I've been up to over the past week. But it's been a weird sort of mood because it was never like I was giving up on anything, just like "ugh, life, go away for a few days." I'll consider scrapping a goal or two so there's less I feel like I have to do, but really it's the bigger ones (working out especially) that I'm resistant about. The smaller stuff doesn't seem to be a problem. Of course it's the working out that I really need to get started on too. (PS @Owlet I am definitely still in love with my obnoxious sneakers but they're not getting used atm.)

 

Thanks for checking in y'all. <3

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31 minutes ago, fleaball said:

No, weirdly enough I was thinking to myself that I should probably suck it up and come back here, and in the next minute I get a text from @RES, and it was pretty much at the same time the kitten gifs appeared. So bizarre.

That's because I'm in the future, so I knew when that text would come through and timed my gifs accordingly ;) I too want pancakes now dammit

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Just now, Owlet said:

That's because I'm in the future, so I knew when that text would come through and timed my gifs accordingly ;) I too want pancakes now dammit

I just randomly stroll through peoples heads is how I knew to text ;) 

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1 minute ago, Owlet said:

That's because I'm in the future, so I knew when that text would come through and timed my gifs accordingly ;) I too want pancakes now dammit

You have no one to blame but yourself.

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Yay you're back! :) Will reply properly later cause I'm at work (not that I can do much right now cause I don't know how to do the task they gave me and everyone's too busy to help)

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6 minutes ago, Owlet said:

(not that I can do much right now cause I don't know how to do the task they gave me and everyone's too busy to help)

this is the worrrrrrrst. I hope they get their shit together and help you out!

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42 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

*witty participation in jocular banter*

(sorry, I haven't slept)

Jocular is an awfully big word for someone who hasn't slept. 

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Went to bed at 11:43 and was pleased with myself because bedtime this week is 11:30. (Juuust realized I fucked up the math and will not end up at 10:30 by the end of this challenge.) it's now 2:52 and I have not slept at all. I was looking forward to waking up early and not feeling like death. :( it's going to be a coffee morning. 

 

Currently sitting in the dark drinking chamomile tea and listening to some app that's supposed to put you to sleep. Wish me luck. 

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Good luck, hope you get to sleep soon! Reading this probably won't help!

 

Welcome back as well; my notifications have been a bit quiet without you :)

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Welcome back!

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so bad.

Regarding goals maybe you can keep those little ones that don't bother you and don't seem to consume willpower and then slowly add the others. Why do you think you have the most resistance against working out? Is it the type of exercises? Aren't they fun for you? Are they too much?

 

tumblr_ny4gq2igNS1qzefipo1_500.gif

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5 hours ago, fleaball said:

this is the worrrrrrrst. I hope they get their shit together and help you out!

Ha yeah they did eventually. Whiteboard diagrams, ran me through a bunch of examples, a page full of notes... pretty much 2 hours one-on-one. So now I vaguely know what I'm doing yay (contrast to this morning when I was given the task and asked tentatively what the best workflow was and got "what? Just do it the normal way" and a look of annoyance. Hmm. Anyway...

 

You know I reckon it just sounds like you needed some downtime after, you know, The Paper Wars and all that. I mean that was a pretty mental few weeks, what with 20 page papers and the car and Snowflake and all the other dramas. It probably took until friday to stop running on pure adrenaline/stress and then you just crashed. Curling up under a blanket watching TV sounds like the best thing you could've done (I'm totes jealous) so don't be too hard on yourself thinking you should be doing all the goals. Take it as an opportunity to look at what worked in past challenges, what isn't working now, and maybe scale back a bit. I get not doing stuff because you feel obligated rather than actually wanting to do it. I think in the past I've gotten around that either by starting small on the thing and just forcing it to become habit (eg meditation) or by finding a different version of the thing that actually excites you (I hate going to the gym but I love hiking, so I'll happily workout if it's somewhere pretty outside, away from civilisation) As for routine, hm that's tricky once you take away school/work. Maybe try a similar approach - start small with just a few easy things that you promise yourself you'll get done each day, maybe at a set time, and gradually build up. 

 

And yay car news! Sounds like annoying hassle but at least you got paid out well :) Hope you got to sleep in the end. I went to the pharmacy the other day for 'something to help me sleep please' and was told I need to learn how to switch my brain off. Yeah no shit. Would I be at the pharmacy if I knew how to switch my brain off?! Rant rant rant..

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Since @Owlet is already on the ball with good challenge advice, I will just say that you are still awesome - no matter what.

 

I'll just add on (as a reminder) that I don't want you to feel pressure about August. We will have a great time even if we walk the whole thing and just throw @NeverThatBored over the obstacles multiple times so we don't have to do them. In fact, I think I found a picture of you from the future!

 

5c9EqcK.jpg

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48 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I'll just add on (as a reminder) that I don't want you to feel pressure about August. We will have a great time even if we walk the whole thing and just throw @NeverThatBored over the obstacles multiple times so we don't have to do them. In fact, I think I found a picture of you from the future!

 

5c9EqcK.jpg

 

Totally cool with walking! And throwing. You will probably HAVE to throw me, since this is an actual image of me trying to get through obstacles on my own. 

 

medium.kitten_stuck.jpg.353835b656656ea4 

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3 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

5c9EqcK.jpg

This is me. All day, every day. 

 

Ill reply to everything else in a few hours. I am an old lady at heart and despise both the mobile site and tapatalk. 

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15 hours ago, Jarric said:

Good luck, hope you get to sleep soon! Reading this probably won't help!

 

Welcome back as well; my notifications have been a bit quiet without you :)

I did get to sleep and it was glorious! Glad to be back and spamming you. ;)

 

14 hours ago, zenLara said:

Welcome back!

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so bad.

Regarding goals maybe you can keep those little ones that don't bother you and don't seem to consume willpower and then slowly add the others. Why do you think you have the most resistance against working out? Is it the type of exercises? Aren't they fun for you? Are they too much?

 

tumblr_ny4gq2igNS1qzefipo1_500.gif

My problem with working out is just getting started. I really do like running, even counting the first few weeks of c25k. And YAYOG wasn't bad when I did it before, and it's infinitely preferable to finding a gym and/or buying weights and having to keep track of it all. I just have to power through all the "ugh now I have to get dressed and open the app(s) and find my shoes and bleh." Once I've done it a few times it's easier. I think I did 6 straight weeks of c25k once? And loved it. I know right now something else holding me back is that I want to do my workouts in the morning, but obviously haven't been but instead of doing them later in the day I just go "shit, it's not morning anymore, i've already failed." Which is faulty logic but whatever. Discussed it with my therapist, gonna try some things this week and see if I can get around it.

 

13 hours ago, Owlet said:

Ha yeah they did eventually. Whiteboard diagrams, ran me through a bunch of examples, a page full of notes... pretty much 2 hours one-on-one. So now I vaguely know what I'm doing yay (contrast to this morning when I was given the task and asked tentatively what the best workflow was and got "what? Just do it the normal way" and a look of annoyance. Hmm. Anyway...

 

You know I reckon it just sounds like you needed some downtime after, you know, The Paper Wars and all that. I mean that was a pretty mental few weeks, what with 20 page papers and the car and Snowflake and all the other dramas. It probably took until friday to stop running on pure adrenaline/stress and then you just crashed. Curling up under a blanket watching TV sounds like the best thing you could've done (I'm totes jealous) so don't be too hard on yourself thinking you should be doing all the goals. Take it as an opportunity to look at what worked in past challenges, what isn't working now, and maybe scale back a bit. I get not doing stuff because you feel obligated rather than actually wanting to do it. I think in the past I've gotten around that either by starting small on the thing and just forcing it to become habit (eg meditation) or by finding a different version of the thing that actually excites you (I hate going to the gym but I love hiking, so I'll happily workout if it's somewhere pretty outside, away from civilisation) As for routine, hm that's tricky once you take away school/work. Maybe try a similar approach - start small with just a few easy things that you promise yourself you'll get done each day, maybe at a set time, and gradually build up. 

 

And yay car news! Sounds like annoying hassle but at least you got paid out well :) Hope you got to sleep in the end. I went to the pharmacy the other day for 'something to help me sleep please' and was told I need to learn how to switch my brain off. Yeah no shit. Would I be at the pharmacy if I knew how to switch my brain off?! Rant rant rant..

Yay! I'm glad you were at least kind of taught things. 

 

My therapist agrees with you. I thought I'd recovered but apparently I overestimated myself again. I'm gonna try forcing myself to work out because I can't think of alternatives to make it easier. Also gonna try to figure out a schedule for myself. Currently making up a master to-do list for the summer (ranging from long-term things like language study to short-term like clean out email folders and scan all my notes from school so I can trash them instead of adding to clutter). Should help with the "ugh what do I do now?"

 

I did get to sleep! Not sure if the tea and music help or if I was finally just tired enough to pass out. I hope you punched the pharmacist in the face because wow.

 

8 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Since @Owlet is already on the ball with good challenge advice, I will just say that you are still awesome - no matter what.

 

I'll just add on (as a reminder) that I don't want you to feel pressure about August. We will have a great time even if we walk the whole thing and just throw @NeverThatBored over the obstacles multiple times so we don't have to do them. In fact, I think I found a picture of you from the future!

I'm not super concerned (yet) about performance. I just want to a.) make it through the course without dying and b.) not have to do 600 burpees. I am all for taking our time and having fun and such, but I really do need to get in shape regardless. Buuuut thank you for repeating that anyway because it helps to hear it regardless.

 

7 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Totally cool with walking! And throwing. You will probably HAVE to throw me, since this is an actual image of me trying to get through obstacles on my own. 

 

medium.kitten_stuck.jpg.353835b656656ea4 

lmao you and me both. I have 5 inches on you but you're in much better shape, so this is going to get interesting. =P

 

5 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

CAT-GIF-Epic-fail-hilarious-fall-Cat-fai

Okay but that's not the whole gif. The cat fucking lands on its feet facing the other direction. Witchcraft, I tell you. But as it is here, that will be me. So sad. 

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Rawr. I was gonna make an appointment to get my hair did tomorrow (it's. so. gray!) but my period finally decided to show up, so now I have to wait for a day where I won't be afraid to sit in a chair for two hours. >_> This is something no one wanted to know but if I have to suffer so do you. 

 

Housekeeping shit: 

  • Updated spreadsheet, which I should really link in the first post at some point. 
  • Knocked resume goal from 4 to 2 because now I can afford to be pickier. And also look at unpaid internships which will probably result in more resumes being sent out but shh. 
  • Bonus goals are all scrapped, save the Humane Society thing. They were nice in theory but not in practice. Although I'll probably keep on with the language practice because I'm a nerd. (Also crossing my fingers for the job I applied to over the weekend because it would give me a reason to focus on German.)
  • Changed bedtime goal to just "go to bed when tired"  because that's probably more realistic at this point. Going to bed at 11:30 after weeks of 2am or later is not gonna happen.
  • Scrapped the following: meditation and no coffee (don't need a goal if I really want to do it); get out of bed (because it was making it worse); and the tofu recipe because for some reason it stressed me the fuck out. Although I might make pudding with it tonight because chocolate. 

There was more I was going to talk about but I've forgotten it. Also Supernatural's on in ten minutes. #priorities

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"I hope you punched the pharmacist in the face because wow." lol nah, I was too tired. He also suggested I have a nip of whiskey if I wake up and can't get back to sleep (totes professional). I thought about buying alcohol and then was so tired I forgot to buy any, maybe that's a good thing heh

 

So many great cat gifs. This pleases me immensely. Sounds like you've got a good plan going forward - to-do lists rock, especially if you put some easy stuff on there that you can cross of straight away. " if I have to suffer so do you. " hahaha damn straight

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Sure, whiskey will put you to sleep, but it also results in lower quality sleep so what's the point. (Also hey, you spell it with an e too!)

 

A.) Hershey's cocoa powder is apparently shit because it's tasted terrible in everything i've made with it. Beyond that the pudding isn't too bad. Probably not something I'd make again but I tried, hey. 

 

B.) If anyone hears screeching from my general direction this time next week, it will be because of Supernatural.

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2 minutes ago, Owlet said:

oh weird, the 'e' is optional? 'tis a crazy world we live in.

JK. According to wikipedia, "The spelling whiskey is common in Ireland and the United States while whisky is used in all other whisky producing countries." For some bizarre reason I know they don't use the 'e' in Scotland so I think my brain extended that to pretty much everyone like the s/z and -or/-our thing. 

 

And now I want whiskey. Oops. 

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

JK. According to wikipedia, "The spelling whiskey is common in Ireland and the United States while whisky is used in all other whisky producing countries." For some bizarre reason I know they don't use the 'e' in Scotland so I think my brain extended that to pretty much everyone like the s/z and -or/-our thing. 

 

And now I want whiskey. Oops. 

 

Correct. Don't write "Whiskey" if you're talking to a Scot about Scotch; they will get offended!

 

Good job on re-working your goals; hopefully you're dialling down the what works best for you :)

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