Dreamspin Finds Her Center Amid the Chaos

[Dreamspin]

Spring is in full bloom! It's warm outside, the grass is getting greener, the trees are getting shoots, and I feel ready to also warm up and start blooming. Part of that entails learning to overcome my social anxiety and become more comfortable with talking with random people. Another important part is learning to ground myself and take in rest and nourishment when needed, so that I remain centered on what is important and don't become distracted or obsessed with the wrong things.

 

My Current State

I'm 33 years old, 5'4", married with a daughter and two dogs.

Measurements as of 3/14/2016:

• Weight: 125 lbs
• Neck: 13"
• Chest: 34"
• Biceps: 11"
• Waist (at smallest): 28"
• Stomach (at biggest): 32"
• Hips (at smallest): 32"
• Butt (at biggest): 38.5"
• Thighs: 21"
• Calves: 14"

 

Habits to continue:

• Prepare meals ahead of time on Sundays
• Maintain an exercise log
• Maintain a mostly Paleo diet
• Continue working out two or three times a week
  • Eventual goals: 10 full push-ups, 10 full chin-ups, 10 full pull-ups
• Continue walking, doing yoga, and occasionally jogging

 

Challenges and Goals

I had started a new job at the beginning of April, and now I feel that I'm starting to get comfortable there. Getting used to that routine, along with trying to meet my exercise and nutrition goals, I find that the following are my biggest challenges at the moment:

 

1. Energy and time management.
During the week, I want to reduce the feeling of getting increasingly tired and needing to artificially manage my energy with coffee or tea. I want to feel relaxed in the morning and not feel rushed. I want to feel happy and energetic in the evening and present and available for my family.

• Start the food log again (I find that more and more non-Paleo food is slipping in)
• Prepare lunch bag the night before and get breakfast as lined up as possible
• Start bedtime routine by 9:30 pm, in bed by 10:00 pm
• Wake up at 6:00 am or earlier, choosing any of the following: workout, yoga, walk, run, meditation, journal
• Do short bursts of activity at work at least twice a day (brisk walk, run up flights of stairs, warm-up exercises)
• Prepare a two-minute stretching cheat sheet and do stretches several times a day
• Have tea instead of coffee (have caffeine-free options available), and have dairy substitute instead of dairy
  • Keep a log at work that tracks when I avoid temptation and when I give in

 

2. Procrastination and avoidance.

I have a growing list of things to take care of that I'm putting off, and I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a bog. A part of this has to do with my social anxiety, because some of the tasks involve making phone calls, which I dislike doing.

• Make a list of what needs to be done, prioritize them, set deadlines, and schedule them
• Include things I would really like to do but never get around to doing
• Write down the benefits of doing these things
• Plan to do three things every week (unless real-life deadlines require a higher frequency)
• Plan some positive and negative reinforcement to help with this

 

3. Parenting and quality family time.

My 10-year-old daughter needs more attention, things to do (besides Minecraft), training in real-life skills, and responsibility. My hubby needs more attention, time together, and date nights / weekends. Technically these fall into the category of things I'm putting off, but they're important enough to get their own focus.

• Plan family outings and dates
• Read about allowances and make an allowance and chore plan
• Develop a weekly checklist for chores and personal care
• Set limits on daily device time and follow through
• Plan and schedule times to hang out with friends
• Forward articles about puberty, mood swings, depression, stress management, and meditation
• Identify a skill to develop and explore it together
• Decide on summer camps (if any)
• Make some meals together

 

4. Lack of balance and inner peace.

I've been feeling the swings of anxiety, depression, and the effects of my coping, numbing, and distraction mechanisms. I want to develop a priority to focus on inner orientation, centering, and grounding.

• Maintain a daily journal practice
• Log when I am acting compulsively or in avoidance and journal my thoughts and feelings at the time
• Make a conscious effort to look at people and smile when I go for a walk
• When feeling busy or anxious, take some time to just sit and be, without devices
• Go barefoot whenever possible, and try walking barefoot outside

 

At the moment, I'm deliberately avoiding being overly specific with goals, in terms of frequency and deadlines, because an important part of this challenge is finding balance and calm, which I'd like to try and explore with a "listen to what is going on for me right now" kind of an approach.

 

For example, last weekend, my family went on a trip to the cabin, and we went right into the week from there, and I felt like I started out tired and just got more and more fatigued as the week progressed. This weekend, I haven't done a lot of anything. I took my daughter to meet a friend at the science museum, but aside from that, I've been hanging out at home and not accomplishing much. As guilty as I feel about that, it also feels like I'm really getting some rest that I need (any my hubby says that Mother's Day is the perfect excuse to take it easy). :-)

 

On another note, I found today that the NF Academy site still has the old workouts posted in a side link on the main page, and so I think I'm going to graduate to the old Level 3 Bodyweight workout and use the progressions from the newer site until I can do the full exercise, so I'm excited to try that.

 

[Dreamspin]

I just finished the old NF bodyweight 3B workout, where I got to play with my new door frame pull up bar! Just hanging from it was hard on the hands and arms; I'm looking forward to watching myself level up with this over the next month. :-) 

[Dreamspin]

Just finished my census quick. Yay for getting things done! 

[Owlet]

Sounds great Dreamspin! I like that you are focusing more on balance and calm this time around - I know how hard it can be to listen to yourself sometimes! Best of luck, looking forward t seeing how you get along

 

[PollyannaAgain]

Good luck! I'm cheering you on again!

[Butternut]

Hey Dreamspin, what awesome goals and good luck to ya!  

 

I find waking up early in the morning is the best for me.  When I get that 30 minutes of peace and quiet, I am so much happier and aware when my kids wake up. I love being calm with them. It lets them know that I got my shit together (Secretly though I am spazzing, avoiding, and trying really hard).  I think Kids can feel tension even if you aren't showing it, so I make sure I am nice and calm before school. 
 

I think your already doing the right thing by being aware of what needs to get done with your child and husband.  Its hard when your married, you forget your a couple.

[Owlet]

You know, I love that one of your goals is 

• Make a conscious effort to look at people and smile when I go for a walk

I always feel awkward doing this but I also really like when you can share a smile with a stranger, maybe a greeting, like you're both in on this secret of how great it is to be outside walking. 

 

Hope your week's going well  

[PollyannaAgain]

Howdy! Just checking in to see how you're doing!

[Dreamspin]

Hello! I'm sorry that I dropped off the face of the earth for a while. For the past few weeks, I had gotten into a slump of feeling disassociated, depressed, and de-motivated, kind of like my head has been wrapped in cloth. I think that has to do with drinking decaf/coffee again and avoiding my demons. 

 

I kept up with bodyweight workouts twice a week, but I did yoga only once, and I've kept up with walking. Over this past weekend and this week, I started dealing with some difficult emotional stuff, which is a good thing. That was a turning point, and from there I started taking care of some of the things I've been putting off, including making some phone calls (yay!). 

 

Now I feel like my head is lifting out of the fog and I'm looking forward to being optimistic and enthusiastic again. 

 

I find I often go through patterns of getting really whole hog into something, then petering out, getting bored, and moving on to the next shiny thing. Do you guys get that too? I've wondered if there's some kind of label for that, like if I have ADHD or bipolar or something. Anyways, ultimately the labels don't matter much, so long as the pattern is recognized and taken into consideration. I prefer to think of myself as an ebb and flow kind of person, and I try to work with those cycles, not against them. :-) 

[Owlet]

Welcome back  I know exactly what you're talking about and it's not easy to deal with, hugs! Sounds like you are dealing with it well though, maybe because you seem to be very self-aware. Dealing with the emotional stuff is the way to do it, for sure. I always think it's easier to run away from that stuff but then you end up sinking lower and lower, until you realise you simply have to face up to whatever it is that's bothering you. So well done! Glad you felt an improvement after that turning point  and yay for making phone calls, that is great.

I wouldn't worry about trying to label yourself, sometimes that does more harm than good. Like you said, more important to recognise the pattern and work out how to deal with that. Maybe you need to mix up your challenges a bit, introduce something completely new to get you excited again? Or find something big to work towards so you're not just do stuff for the sake of it? Anyways, good to have you back!

[Eirlys]

Hi Dreamspin,

 

I keep coming back to read your thread so I guess I should comment, lol   We are a very similar build (I'm 5'3.5 and weighed 125 lbs yesterday morning) and I'm also a mummy to one in her 30s so I feel we have some stuff in common

 

I really like your challenges too. 

 

Cutting through difficult emotional stuff can be really challenging so kudos to you for doing it.  Glad to hear it helped thereafter.

 

Don't know if you've tried it or have it available where you live, but I really like lemon & ginger tea - it's caffeine free (or should be!) 

 

Good luck for the next week, there are people out there thinking of you and wishing you well!

 

[Dreamspin]

Thanks so much you guys for the support. It means a lot that you've been inviting me to check in and understand how depression and stress can suck the life out of you sometimes.

 

Since I've posted last, things have been getting better and better. I took care of a few huge things on my list, and I feel more confident about taking care of the rest. An enormous thing is that on Sunday, my mom and I had a HUGE talk, where she let me in on stuff from her past that gave me boatloads of perspective on some of the struggles I go through, and brought me some emotional closure. I also got the chance to ask questions and say some things I had been putting off for quite a while. I booked a therapy session for tomorrow, knowing that I'd likely have a lot to go over after that meeting.

 

My workouts have been increasing in intensity since I got a pull-up bar, though sometimes I only get in a couple of sets because I need to get to work on time. I was hitting a bit of a plateau with my push-ups in that I could do up to about 5 before I had to switch to knees. Now that I've added negative pull-ups, dips, and hanging knee-to-chest, I've been feeling myself getting stronger and I think I'm going to start seeing more progress there. I'm still a little jelly of all these ladies who achieve 30+ push-ups in a workout (in a good way - I'll get there yet!) :-)

 

As far as my challenge goes, I basically have been ignoring it :-P

However, in my own way, I think I've been making good strides towards the heart of it, which is to find balance. Ultimately, dealing with the difficult emotions is the most important, and it's ok if some things have fallen by the wayside for a while.

 

Out of the list, these are the main things I want to focus on this week:

 

1. Energy and time management.

• Start the food log again
• Start bedtime routine by 10:00 pm, in bed by 10:30 pm
• Wake up at 6:00 am or earlier, choosing any of the following: workout, yoga, walk, run, meditation, journal
• Do some activity at least once at work
• Prepare a two-minute stretching cheat sheet and do stretches at least once a day
• If I want to have coffee, try to go for decaf, and make it bulletproof (I'm bringing liquid coconut oil and organic butter to whisk into the coffee)

 

2. Procrastination and avoidance.

• Make a list of what we need to get and pack for our trip this weekend
• Call that charity that I got bullied into making monthly donations to and cancel it
• Take some wool to the non-profit craft collective
• Call the humane society about summer day camp and book if it sounds good

 

3. Parenting and quality family time.

• Develop a weekly checklist for chores and personal care
• Decide on summer camps (if any)
• Plan something laid back but fun for hubby's birthday!

 

4. Lack of balance and inner peace.

• Keep on journaling (I started back up a few days ago, it is so good and journaling at night helps me fall asleep really nicely)
• When feeling busy or anxious, take some time to just sit and be, without devices
• Go barefoot whenever possible, and try walking barefoot outside

 

 

[Owlet]

Yay so glad you are making progress  That's so great you were able to talk to your mum and get some perspective. I had a similar thing with my dad and after we reconnected it was like a switch had been flipped - I went from depressed and anxious and lonely to suddenly feeling ok and making steady progress towards feeling great. Hope the therapy session went well, good thinking to book it for then. Definitely agree that it's ok to let some goals go by the wayside in favour of dealing with the issues at the heart of it - in fact I would say it's best to do this, you can always pick up goals again later when you've dealt with the bigger stuff. Anyway, looks like you've got a really good plan going forward with a nice balance of self-care goals and addressing things you want to get done. 

[Eirlys]

Hi Dreamspin

 

Well that sounds like a massively positive update   Your push-up abilities far exceed mine so I am totally impressed.  I guess when you're in a sailboat you can be envious of the people in the speedboat, but you're still well ahead of the people in the rubber dinghy (like me ;-) )

 

Good luck for your conversation with the charity.  If you can, see if you can unsubscribe from their phone/mailing lists (and especially numbers supplied to a third party), as I have a friend who used to work for charity call centre here in the UK and it sounds like they can be real vampires once they've got you once.

 

Sounds like you have got a lot of things going on, I hope you can find some time for yourself in all that!

 

[Dreamspin]

Thanks Owlet and Eirlys! 

 

My therapy session today was good. I can see where I still have a lot to go through, and that the process of recovery is worthwhile, albeit messy and painful at times. 

 

Yesterday I made my decaf coffee bulletproof, that was pretty yummy. :-)  It's a bit greasy though, so this time I'll try less oil and butter. 

 

Tonight I'm going to prepare for our trip this weekend, going three hours away to a camping resort where we're going to play board games with my co-workers. My company is paying for some of it, I love my new job! :-) 

[Butternut]

Dreamspin! I'm caught up on your progress! 

 

When I get caught in anxiety I make a "main focus" goal. I just focus on the most important thing that needs accomplished. Sometimes I'll make my main focus on patience. So instead of worrying about my beautiful novel of a list I have to do, it helps me slow down and focus on one thing a time.

 

also some decaf coffee goes through a chemical process to get the caffeine out. It's cheaper than then water soaking so a lot of companies do it. Not trying to shoot your decaf down but maybe the decaf is putting you up in a loop. Just a theory.  

 

Its  awesome you have a job you love! That helps tremondously I bet. 

 

Have a a fun board game weekend! 

[Eirlys]

Ooh that away-timesounds awesome.  What kind of job do you do?  Life is best when you have a job you love, as you spend so much time of your life working  

[Dreamspin]

@Eirlys, I'm a software developer, and it's pretty awesome! Always lots of challenges and variety, though sometimes it can be overwhelming.

 

I had a great board games weekend, and I did pretty well at eating healthy enough then too.

 

The last couple of weeks, I lost even more focus and started having more sugar, coffee, carbs, and slowing down with my workouts. This past week, I started on a new team, and it's going through some tough times, having inherited a project from another team with a lot of complexity and a lot of issues. I have difficulty with adjusting to new things sometimes, and I've been having a hard time this week with that. On Tuesday and today I couldn't stop crying (I absolutely hate that at work!), and it was hard for me to focus, think clearly, and learn because of how upset I was. It sucks when objectively I know that there's always a lot to learn with a new team, and that I'll get it with time, but not being able to stop my emotions from going all out of whack. I did let my team lead know what's going on though, because I'd imagine that having red eyes and snuffling wasn't as subtle as I was hoping.

 

Today I went a little bit in the right direction though and avoided caffeine and dairy. I don't know though if I'm going to be able to work tomorrow. I'll start with making it there, and staying the first half hour. I've dealt with something like this my whole life, but I swear that my emotional response is getting worse every time. I want to do what I need to take care of myself, let out my emotions if that's what's needed, and recover from this condition. I also booked another appointment with my counselor. I hope it helps; I honestly don't know if that's been helping so far.

 

On a positive note, I set up a chore schedule and allowance system for my daughter, and we both got set up in Habitica. That's been helping me gain a bit of focus again, and I actually flossed three days in a row (that's huge for me).

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the next challenge, but I'm going to make it very simple. I'll try to check in more often, get back to avoiding caffeine and dairy, and keep up with regular exercise.

[PollyannaAgain]

Little steps are the only things that get me through a week sometimes. Keep up the good work.

[Owlet]

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at work at the moment! Totally get what you mean about knowing objectively that it's a beneficial situation but not being able to control your emotions, it sucks eh. I would just say keep taking baby steps to help yourself out, rememering to give yourself some self care and love when you're able. Telling others what you're going through is good too, so they can help you get through it or at least not make it worse. Staying mindfulandpresent in the moment can help too. Good luck and dont be too hard on yourself!

[Dreamspin]

Thanks guys! Baby steps :-)

Here is the link for my next challenge: