A Fear Not Mentioned In The Book

[Zooma]

Hi Everyone

My life is a constant respawn!!

But here I am again and I've come to the conclusion that I can have the best, easiest and most simple of plans in place but as soon as I have any success, I crash and burn.

I have come to the conclusion that isn't fear of failure I struggle with but fear of success...about how I might change, how those around might change towards me, about what I may need/want/must change as I find success in changing myself.

 

Has anyone else had this fear, dealt with it and more importantly, overcome it?

 

I could really do with some serious help

[ForestGoddess]

Absolutely I have had this fear and I am still overcoming it.  It is possible to overcome because I am better now than I was even a couple of months ago. For me it has been a super slow process and all boils down to the fact that I want to love and be comfortable with myself. In order to do that I need to accept myself as I am and realize that anyone around me probably loves me enough to see me successful. They don't have to understand what I want to accomplish, only keep supporting you. And if they don't, then that is their problem not mine (hard thing to accept). They will need to come to terms with themselves.  The more I am happy with myself and my life the more I can give to those around me.

 

If you don't believe you can change, if you don't believe that you will have success, then you will find ways to sabotage.  I go along fine for months and I start having some successes...then wham I do something to derail the progress. I still fight this battle. So for example I want to lose weight,  I have been on a weight loss journey for 16 years (to be fair I did have 2 kids in that time too but still...). I go along fine for a long time and lose some of the weight. Then I have a few weeks of eating horribly. It took some soul searching and rewriting my internal dialogue in order to start making any change at all. I watch a ton of youtube motivational videos, I started going to bed while listening to guided meditations. I use alot of the fake it till you make it thinking too.  The only one that can change yourself is you, and you have to subconciously believe that it is possible. I read a tone of books too (Dr Wayne Dyer, Doug Lisle, etc) and I take what resonates with me and leave the rest.

 

 

Sorry if I ramble...just some thoughts for you. Hope it helps. You are not alone.

[Basement Cat]

I know exactly what you mean. To take the image of the princess in the tower: first you want to be rescued. Then you realize you can get out by yourself. You take a few steps out of your tower and then... you rush back in, because it's alien and frightening outside. It also doesn't help if you lack support.

 

I wouldn't say it's success you fear; it is change and people's opinion on that change. I know it's easy to say ''ignore them'', but sometimes it's just what you have to do. If someone is being a Debbie Downer, you need to ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. I know it's easy to give in to the ''why do I bother?'' demon, but you need to grit your teeth and keep at it.

 

And even if you crash, focus on the positive aspect: you still learned something from the experience.

 

Having an accountability buddy can help, especially if they are on a journey too. Support counts for a lot.

[Zooma]

Perhaps it is just 'change' and not necessarily success or failure that is the issue....

[Evicious]

Ok, this will sound completely cheesy, but... I recommend Pinterest. I have an entire board that is nothing but pins that help motivate me - whether it's clean eating, working out, or just getting out of bed in the morning. Whenever I feel the doubts coming on, or I find myself starting to make excuses, I go look at that board. It's weird, sure - but it works for me!

[Basement Cat]

21 minutes ago, Zooma said:

Perhaps it is just 'change' and not necessarily success or failure that is the issue....

It's something to ponder if nothing else. Understanding your own psyche is a great tool to overcome such blocks.

[Kestrel Grey]

If you can boil your fear of success/change down to a specific fear, then you can confront it head-on in small safe tests.  I find that I cannot permanently reason my way out of my fears, I have to experience that they are groundless.

 

Ex. for me, I realized that I fear if I get strong, my husband won't want to adore and coddle and take care of me any more. I won't be his 'little wife'.  Even though this is blatantly ridiculous, I still fear it.  So I have had to do things like put myself in a situation where I am very capable and ask for his help, just to show myself he will still want to look out for me.

 

[Zooma]

When I had first had my 4 children nearly 20 years ago, I was 25 and looking good. Not athletic etc but slim and relatively fit.

 

Since then I've put loads of weight on and while I'm not ugly and there are people who find me attractive, I now feel mumsy and not sexy mumma.....

 

I guess I'm kind of nervous about what happens when that flips back. I've always been the fat friend, the fat mum and up until recently the fat wife....how will people be with me? How will I be with them? Will I just end up gathering new friends etc?

 

That's what came to mind when I read your post....so maybe that's one of the things at least..

[Evicious]

These are all valid questions, Zooma. Obviously, nobody can really answer them for you, but I'd like to put out my thoughts on them anyway.

• ...how will people be with me? Depends on the person, doesn't it?
  • People who also don't like change may distance themselves from you.
  • People who feel threatened by your new, more "socially acceptable" lifestyle may talk behind your back.
  • People who care about you may worry you're eating differently or exercising more for unhealthy mental or emotional reasons, and may try to talk you out your new lifestyle by saying well-meaning things like, "But you're perfect the way you are!"
  • And people who love you unconditionally and trust you to be honest with them will probably support you as best they know how; possibly with some bad advice ("You need to do more cardio!", "Weights will make you bulky!", "I heard Slim Fast can help you lose 30Lbs in a month!") - but they'll be happy to see you making progress in the direction you want to go, even if they have some misgivings about the path you choose to take to get there.
• How will I be with them?
  • Again, this will depend on the person. Some people you will feel awkward around; some people you will distance yourself from, because you will feel judged by them; some people you will probably stop talking to or hanging out with altogether. And some people you will ask to help keep you accountable; to join you in your journey.
• Will I just end up gathering new friends etc?
  • You might, or you might not. If you find yourself suddenly alone on your new path, you may begin to seek out new friendships formed around your mutual endeavors. You may also find you have more supporters in your current circle than you ever imagined possible; people you knew previously only as acquaintances may become closer to you.

The point is, you won't know the answers to any of your questions until you start walking. The only thing you will know for a fact until then, is that every day you wait to set out is another day of potential awesomeness lost. You're never going to get back your yesterdays, and you only have so many tomorrows in store. How you choose to live them is entirely up to you: don't let fear of the unknown decide for you.

[Rin Asami]

I was thinking on similar terms Zooma. I have the fear of if I change, how will those react around me. How will I feel about that? Will I like the same people if I change? It is all very scary.

[Zooma]

I wonder if that's why I self sabotage. I've just spent another 2 weeks doing that. It's crazy...

 

[Rin Asami]

Zooma, I find that I do this a lot also. For me I think it more relates to fear of success. It seems like I get so far then all h*ll breaks loose and I just eat the most awful stuff and feel just as terrible after. Metal blocks are hard to get past sometimes.

[Raincloak]

Well, I always remind myself that I tried failure, and so far it's not working great.  If you do what you did before, you'll get what you already got!  Might as well try something else and see if you like that better.  I've tried being unemployed and broke, and yeah, it was fun for a while, but now I'd like to try being productive and rich, just in case that's more fun.