Fear of How I Will Change

[Rin Asami]

Ok, here it goes. I'm going to lay it all out here, hoping that someone has gone through the same things and can offer advice or support. I'm hesitant to post my fears online but everyone seem helpful here and I've gotten a lot more hope after starting to read Steve's book.

 

I have been a quitter of most things all my life, that's pretty sad considering I'm 32 years old now. I'll be all "gung-ho" at first and really work at it, say eating better or exercising five days a week, and then I'll just stop after a few weeks or a few months. I start to see some good results and I just stop...like something comes up and I get sick or I can't work out one day so that one day becomes a few days and then I quit. The only real things I haven't quit in my life are: college, my marriage, my current job (that I so want to get out of), and then my studying of Japanese (going on 2 yrs now, woot!)

 

I've be diagnosed with anxiety/depression, borderline personality disorder, and ocd...so...not fun things but meds help some. I've also got some of the lowest self-esteem that I've ever seen.

 

I've also been thinking a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that not only am I scared of failure and success but I'm afraid who I will become if I do succeed...which I guess does fall under the fear of success. I am terrified of the person I could/would become if I succeed and get that job that doesn't treat you poorly or lose those 60 lbs that I need to lose to be healthy or go on that language learning vacation to Japan alone (which would be my first trip/time alone Ever). 

 

Fear just has me by the throat. I'm so scared that I'll turn into someone that isn't happy with my current surroundings after I succeed. I mean, my husband is doing great at his side business now and I admit, I am jealous but proud of him, but he is overweight and choosing to do this side job vs get healthier. So if I really get at it, lose the weight, or do things by myself...what if I really like it? What if I feel great and then realize that I may not need him anymore or want to be with him. I love him dearly and maybe this is the stress of the lack of time we have due to the side job, but I really fear these things. I also feel guilty because my husband started the side job (which he loves because it involves his hobby) because I was complaining a lot about lack of savings. So here I am aggravated with my life and knowing something needs to change and it starts with losing some weight and gaining self confidence but every time I get started I start to worry again.

 

It seems so silly because no one can predict the future and it sounds dumb to not get healthy or not try to fulfill my travel dreams because of what-ifs. And of course, I'm just plain lazy most of the times and feel like after I get home from work and do chores that I'm poop and don't want to do anything. Then i find that excuse that I'm too tired and I'm not a morning person so I can't get up an hour earlier. Gosh, I'm so full of excuses.

 

So, I'd appreciate any comments if anyone has had these types of feelings before. I thank you for bothering to read if you got this far too! lol

[Pavowski]

9 hours ago, Rin Asami said:

The only real things I haven't quit in my life are: college, my marriage, my current job (that I so want to get out of), and then my studying of Japanese (going on 2 yrs now, woot!)

 

It's easy talking about fears. Everybody has them, and some more than others (especially those with clinical depression -- don't downplay that, by the way, make sure you stay up on your meds and do what you need to do chemically to stay right).

 

What's more interesting in a situation like this is what's going right. So what I'd ask/comment/blatantly-stick-my-nose-in is: for those things that you haven't quit, what is it that makes you stick to them? If you can tap into some of the motivation that's working for you in one area, it might help you knuckle up on the stuff you haven't quite succeeded at yet.

[Rin Asami]

3 hours ago, Pavowski said:

What's more interesting in a situation like this is what's going right. So what I'd ask/comment/blatantly-stick-my-nose-in is: for those things that you haven't quit, what is it that makes you stick to them? If you can tap into some of the motivation that's working for you in one area, it might help you knuckle up on the stuff you haven't quite succeeded at yet.

 

No, you've got a point...why do I stick to some things and not others. It's a real thinking point! So going through one by one on my I stuck with each:

college: I knew I had to have some college (got two associates) to get a decent job plus I really enjoyed the classes; I love learning.

my marriage: I found someone that isn't going to leave me because of my issues and loves me despite them and I love him so I enjoy having a companion too.

my current job: I'm there because of necessity; it is not my dream job nor what I want for myself for 10 or even 5 more years.

Studying of Japanese: I love it, I know it is my passion but I find it hard to believe that I could truely make a career out of it..except for translation, which will take a long long time.

 

All of these things have one common thing..I enjoy or have enjoyed doing them (aside for my current job). Even so, I think the difference is that I don't see those things as changing me much, though I know they do in little ways. I'm stuck on the thought that if I drop the weight or travel by myself and love it that it'll be a radical change and I'll have a midlife crisis and drop my current life for a new one. I know, sounds radical and a tad ridiculous and I do not know why I'm so afraid. I'm so focused on the "possible" negatives of bettering myself that I cannot focus on the positives like...maybe I'll be more confident or maybe I'll encourage my husband to get healthy too. I guess I just hear about some people almost having a personality change, like they are a different person after doing something big like losing a ton of weight and getting in shape. I just don't want to do so and then end up hurting those I care about now and end up wanting to leave them behind. lol, sounds kinda crazy when I type it out.

[Pathfinder]

I also have diagnosed anxiety/depression/OCD. I noticed that mine started getting a lot better (even in unrelated areas) when I alleviated the worst stressor in my life. I was in a really incompatible position at work and it was driving me insane. I would suggest picking the thing causing you the most stress, and fix it. Even if the fix is small, it will help. All I did was talk to my boss and he put me on a different part of the same job, but it was enough to boost my recovery.

 

I also have really bad fear of success. I think it's connected to the OCD, because OCD's all about the need for control. I think it's normal to be afraid that if you change something (even if it's good), you won't be able to control the outcome. I would just suggest taking baby steps towards the changes you want, so that you set a new goal to be excited about every week, or even day if that's as long as your motivation streak lasts. While working towards your goals, keep reminding yourself that it's impossible for you to accidentally travel to a different country (lord knows it's hard enough to get there on purpose), leave your spouse, or move out of your house. You can't control your emotions, but as you work on improving I think you'll find that you'll grow closer to the people you love, and that the people you grow away from were always toxic influences. It's just hard to notice where the poison's coming from when you've already hit the full dosage. If you leave people it will be because you can see that they're making you anxious because they're legitimately being jerks.

 

Hope that helps.

[Rin Asami]

Thanks Pathfinder. I think you are right, we do all have a choice and doing something big like moving/leaving isn't something you can do on a whim. I mean you can, but it does take thought and planning and it isn't something that I should ever take lightly. I think I also have a sensitive fight or flight issue because as soon as I smell something hardish I want to run away. I don't but I beat myself up, my stupid brain trying to lie to me and tell me that it may be better if I leave or run away. But on a logical level, the sane me knows that running away or hiding is not the answer.

 

I also feel like I'm too old and I've let the best time and opportunity pass me by. I know it is not true but the evil part of my brain tries to convince me lol.

 

I don't know why it is so darn hard to do things that you know for a fact are good for you. I know, according to research, that exercise can help with depression and things like that. Grrr...if I know this then I should be on that treadmill in a second and do it as much and as often as I can. Sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I don't want to get better. Why, I don't know, except for being scared of being successful.

[Pathfinder]

Honestly? Because after living with depression for a long time, it becomes comfortable. Like, it sucks, but at least it's familiar. And thanks to anxiety, any change (no matter how awesome) is at least a little bit scary. :/

 

I know Steve had a great article on breaking goals down into steps so small you *can't* fail. He gave the example of wanting to start flossing your teeth. You'd set your goal at "Today I'm going to floss ONE tooth." So then when you go to get ready for work, you see the floss, and victory is literally a second away.

 

So maybe if you have a treadmill, you could start with the goal "I'm going to step on the treadmill today." Like, you don't even have to turn it on. If you do, that's gravy. Once you start stepping on the treadmill every day, you could up it to "I'm going to get on the treadmill and turn it on today" or "I'm going to walk on the treadmill for one minute." And seriously, even though it seems small, you're fighting your brain on this one. So when you do step on the treadmill, really congratulate yourself, and come tell us so we can celebrate too.