Need to stop beating myself over the head with every little setback

[green eggs]

Hey

 

I seem to boomerang here. Back for maybe the third time, I've even successfully completed some 6-week challenges in the past, but I seem to backslide...

 

Over the last year and a half the weight has crept back up again (mostly because I started eating carbs again, a few at first and then more and more. Plus: wine), and I'm no longer doing the body-weight workout stuff I was doing at home.

 

So I know what I need to do, I know the theory, I know what works for me, but it's so frickin hard to get started again and make it stick. One of the reasons is that (this is going to sound weird on this site) is that setting goals often backfires bigtime, because I beat myself over the head (figuratively at least :p) when I don't achieve them. Then my motivation sinks, and ... well it's kinda a self-perpetuating cycle.

 

Thing is that I've known this for years and I still get caught in the trap. So... tips?

 

My current tactic is 1) set myself very very very small "goals", 2) try and spark habits rather than stuff I have to remember to do, and 3) use "nudging" tactics to do that, so...

 

My only fitness goal is to get out of bed in the morning and do a single stretch. If I do that, goal achieved. Sometimes it sparks more...

To remind myself to do this, my yoga mat is out on the floor at the bottom of my bed, and I do the stretch (or the longer routine if it comes to that) in my pajamas.

 

Foodwise, I'm avoiding carb sides and trying to not snack, though I am allowing myself sweet stuff for dessert, otherwise I'd go nuts.

To help with this, I'm cooking extra on Saturday or Sunday when I have time, so that when it comes to Monday lunchtime (often stressed with no time to cook and the temptation to hit the fast food or chocolate) I have something healthy I can re-heat in the microwave. Ditto for Monday evening (my Mondays are very full :D). Monday seems to set me up for the rest of the work week, so that seems to be going well so far.

 

Also, I'm not weighing myself, because if I do that it becomes a horrible horrible rollercoaster of "not good enough" everytime the scale fluctuates even a bit upwards. My biggest loss was achieved (several years ago, and most of it I've managed to keep off) during a time where I didn't even have a scale. As such, I have no idea how much I lost, but it was a lot easier on my brain.

 

Thoughts?

 

The last thing that's always spinning through my mind is that I worry that my boyfriend will think that if I start obviously exercising and dieting I'm trying to spawn him on to something. He's gained some weight over the last year due to a serious knee injury, and I know he's feeling kinda down about that. At the same time, for various reasons, he's not in a position to start an exercise program himself right now, all of which I understand, and that's fine (though it concerns me longterm). I don't want to seem like I'm "nagging" or passively-aggressively trying to get him to do something. He has to figure that out for himself. I may be overthingking that part, but it does concern me. Anyone been in that situation?

 

Thanks for any feedback you can offer.

[Evicious]

You seem to have a solid grasp on how to get back on track, and how to rebound when you have a little wander off the path.  What I'm going to address from your post is the last bit about your boyfriend.

 

My husband was one of those super-ripped guys from the time he was a teenager and then through 4 years in the military (which is where we met). Since getting out of the service, he's put on about 30Lbs. Mind you, he still looks phenomenal, and is still in WAY better shape than the majority of the American population. But he feels fat. And he feels ashamed. And he spent about a year bouncing back and forth between going back to the gym for a week and hurting himself trying to do the same weights and exercise at the same intensity he used to, and then spending the next month or so nursing his wounded pride and sore muscles. And for approximately 2 years, I followed him on that pattern - not killing myself, mind you (because I don't like being sore - duh), but the whole on again/off again relationship with exercise and diet. I did that because, like you, I was worried about his reaction to my healthier choices. I had reason for my concerns: they'd been verified in the past. I would begin a steady exercise regime and healthier meal choices, and he would begin a commentary about it: "You're making me feel bad, eating a salad when I order a burger." "You're going to the gym again? You're going to leave me, because I'm fat, aren't you?" Just two examples with many, many variations that I was given. No amount of reassurance about my love or level of attraction towards him seemed sufficient; the only thing that seemed to help was settling back into our "normal" routine of minimal physical effort and nightly beers.

 

But over the course of the past year, I slowly began coming to the realization that - just as it wasn't my job to "get him healthy" (which was never my intention, but always seemed to be what he inferred from my actions) - it also was not my job to convince him that his fears were unjustified. My job was simply to become the best person I could be, and to continue loving him the same way I always had. He had to come to his own conclusions, on his own.

 

The scary part was knowing that he could decide he didn't want to, or couldn't, deal with me living a healthy lifestyle. But we've always maintained throughout our relationship that neither one of us would ever try to hold the person back if they decided they wanted to leave, for any reason. It's actually been one of the reasons we've stayed together throughout all the hard times: we've always known we could leave, if we wanted to... but we've always made the conscious decision to work through the difficulties together. We don't feel obligated to each other. We want to be with each other.

 

So I decided to keep doing what I was doing (working out regularly, eating healthier, cutting back on the beer, etc.) and to meet his commentary with loving smiles and simple affirmations that I was doing these things for me, not him. "I just decided I wanted a salad instead of a burger." "I like working out; it makes me feel strong, and I've noticed I'm sleeping better on the days I go to the gym. I see no reason to leave, and I don't think you're fat. I think you're sexy. *kiss*"

 

Sometimes he'd have little breakdowns or temper tantrums, but I handled those the same way. I'd listen to what he was saying, state my reasons for doing what I was doing, and reassure him that I loved him and found him attractive. Sometimes I'd add that it made me sad he couldn't see himself the way I could - a line that he's spoken to me on many of my insecure days. If he was fussing because he wanted to spend time with me when I was planning to go workout, I'd make a judgment call: sometimes I'd agree to stay home and be with him - watch that movie we were planning on watching, or play the video game we'd been talking about - and sometimes I'd just agree to keep my gym time short. He wasn't always happy with the call I'd make, but that's part of being in a relationship. Sometimes you give, and sometimes the other person gives - and you both accept that neither you nor they are going to happy about it 100% of the time.

 

Now, a year later, he still has insecure moments, and makes little comments about it from time to time. But as I've stuck with my decisions to make healthier choices, the comments have shifted from his concern that his physical state is somehow going to degrade our relationship, and have become more focused on how it is affecting him. "Ugh, I feel so fat today! I need to go to the gym." And as he's beginning to focus more on how his health makes him feel, he's starting to make healthier choices for himself as well. Now, when he goes to the gym, he picks weights that are challenging for where his strength is currently, rather than where it used to be. Now, when we go out to eat, he'll make comments like, "We don't both need fries - how about we just get a small basket and split it instead?" He no longer scoffs at the idea of halving the American-sized portions and taking home a doggy bag. He buys cases of bottled water for himself, because he's self-identified a propensity in himself to avoid tap water but enjoy bottled water at an unprecedented rate. He's stopped freaking out when his weight fluctuates a couple pounds on the scale.

 

So that has been my experience when it comes to being in a relationship with someone when you're deciding to be healthier. The key points to remember are as follows:

• It's not your job to change the other person's mindset regarding their health
• It's not your job to change the other person's mindset regarding their insecurities about the relationship
• It is your job to be the best person you can be.

Best of luck to you both in your relationship, and best of luck to you on your journey to a healthier lifestyle!

[green eggs]

Hey Evicious, thanks so much for taking the time to tell me your story. Glad I'm not alone with that worry.

Right now I'm just waiting to see if he notices I'm doing anything different  Then I guess I take things from there...

 

Anyone else have the same thing as me with measurable goals backfiring? Or am I alone on that?

[Grymm]

7 hours ago, green eggs said:

Hey Evicious, thanks so much for taking the time to tell me your story. Glad I'm not alone with that worry.

Right now I'm just waiting to see if he notices I'm doing anything different  Then I guess I take things from there...

 

Anyone else have the same thing as me with measurable goals backfiring? Or am I alone on that?

I think it's pretty universal that setting goals and not achieving them is demoralizing.  The only variation is change-resistant your lifestyle is.  For some people, big changes are going to be very difficult either due to social, family, personal, or other reasons.  One of the few positive things about failure (if there is more than one) is you learn more from failure than success.  So, if you have tried several approaches and not gotten to the goal, you probably now know a lot about how to modify the approach and the goal.  Maybe you can dig out some small victories from the passed and incorporate those into your new approach.

 

Personally, I know I cannot get up earlier.  It's just not going to happen.  Early in the morning, I am devoid of all motivation and drive.  My brain isn't even on.  However, I CAN go to bed earlier.  And going to bed earlier gets me up earlier.  It's a small shift in approach and focus to work toward the same goal.

[green eggs]

On 3. Juni 2016 at 6:39 PM, Grymm said:

Maybe you can dig out some small victories from the passed and incorporate those into your new approach.

 

Some of the nudges that have worked in the past and I'm trying to incorporate:

 

1) don't put the alarm clock by the bed, put it on the other side of the room

2) put the yoga mat out at the end of my bed

3) have healthy food in the fridge, prepare stuff in advance, and leave a note on top of my work/travel bag reminding me to take it

4) use a shopping list (less to stop me buying "forbidden" stuff because banning stuff completely totally backfires on me, mostly to make sure there's plenty of veg and healthy stuff around so that I always have a choice)

5) sparkling water and a wine glass to drink it from by the sofa have helped cut my evening wine consumption

 

On 3. Juni 2016 at 6:39 PM, Grymm said:

Personally, I know I cannot get up earlier.  It's just not going to happen.  Early in the morning, I am devoid of all motivation and drive.  My brain isn't even on.  However, I CAN go to bed earlier.  And going to bed earlier gets me up earlier.  It's a small shift in approach and focus to work toward the same goal.

 

Yeah, I am not a morning person either, but by the time I get through work, cooking, guitar class or practice of an evening I have zero energy for exercise. By that time of night it takes a fair amount of will power just to cook/eat healthy, which is also where cooking in advance helps. I have my wits about me enough in the evening though that I can put the alarm clock, yoga mat and food notes in the right places otherwise I'd never get out of bed on time in the morning or do any stretching. So I use my evening-person-ness to kick the not-a-morning-person side of me's butt...

[green eggs]

On ‎06‎.‎06‎.‎2016 at 10:58 PM, green eggs said:

1) don't put the alarm clock by the bed, put it on the other side of the room

2) put the yoga mat out at the end of my bed

3) have healthy food in the fridge, prepare stuff in advance, and leave a note on top of my work/travel bag reminding me to take it

4) use a shopping list

5) sparkling water and a wine glass to drink it from by the sofa have helped cut my evening wine consumption

 

I'm failing on 1 and 2 at the moment (though the other stuff is more or less habit). Just too tired. (Yes, too tired to put my alarm on the other side of the room...) And food prep is sorta meh. Half-managing it.

On the up side, I joined the NF academy. Have a business trip coming up starting Saturday, so I won't be making a substantial start until I get back, but it's a start.

[Grymm]

During the business trip, see if you can make venture into the hotel gym or do a simple hotel-room workout.  Even if you just get 20 minutes in, it's 20 minutes more than otherwise.  It can be a nice mental boost to do at least something when your tendency would be to do nothing.