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Sylvaa Sets a Standard


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Today is going well. Did the next chapter of Age of Pandora and Week 1 Day 2. 

 

Currently sitting at 117 carbs - might have another Fiber One bar, but that'll only take me to 135 (note: this is actual carbs - I'm not subtracting fiber). I also ate my carrots to keep up with the no fast food goal (yay!). 

 

Today is Day 1 of my Love Yourself Challenge. This consists of two things:

 

1. Carve out one hour of me time. I spent my me time reading. It was great. I read another trashy romance and it was fantastic. Spoiler for my trashy romance friends!

Spoiler

50 Shades of Historical Romance going on. Mastering the Marquess by Lavinia Kent. Definitely recommend.

 

2. Why are you doing this? #loveme 

Spoiler

Let me start at the beginning. Over 15 years ago, I found myself in an abusive relationship. 13 years ago, I found the courage to get out of the relationship. 

 

What was left of me was broken. I weighed 250 pounds, I'd been alienated from my family and friends, and I had no self-confidence. I fully believed (at the time!) that if I could have been prettier, thinner, dressed better, you name it, my relationship could have worked. 

 

For 13 years, I've worked to build a better me. I've made tons of progress. I've rebuilt a life that I am proud of. But that voice - the one telling me that I'll never be enough - is still in the back of my mind. And it's been getting louder.

 

I've spent 13 years chasing goals. Saying that if I get into a size Large or hit Onederland, I'll be happy with myself. But it's not that simple. As I continue on my journey, it gets harder. Changes are smaller and take longer. And that voice never lets up. When I saw my fellow doodlies in the same boat, I wanted to take action.

 

So I'm taking a stand. I've got to start taking steps to loving myself no matter what. I'm doing it for my friends on here who I can't help if I don't help myself. I'm doing it for my job - I need self-confidence to move forward in my career. I'm doing it for my girls to be a positive influence. 

 

But most of all, I'm doing it for me. I have hated my body longer than I have hated any other person. It's time to forgive myself.

 

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Yes. Do this for you. Because you are worth it (I know, super cheesy, but so true).

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I don't know if you want people commenting on personal stuff, so if this is out of line let me know. But what you wrote really touched me, because my mother too had to go through the experience of leaving and recovering from an abusive relationship. I was a young kid at the time, and I'm forever grateful that she found that strength. My life would have been very different otherwise. I hope you are deeply proud of what you did, and everything you've done since. You've helped not only yourself but your kids - I assume that's who you mean by your girls! And your continual quest for self-improvement based on self-love, not self-loathing, is an incredibly good example to be setting.

 

I'm really inspired by what you're doing and happy I found this thread :)

 

Also, I had never heard of Age of Pandora and I just googled it and it looks amazing!! I love story-driven stuff like that - I'm a huge fan of the Zombies, Run! app, for example. So thanks for tipping me off to a cool new thing.

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Nothing is off limits here. I only spoilered because I didn't know how much people would care about that component of the challenge . Thanks for sharing your experience! To be honest, I really never thought about it in terms of what would have been like had I not done what I did. Or really the impact it had on my kids. It was just something that had to be done.

 

And so very welcome with Age of Pandora. I really like the story aspect too. It's a nice little addition to my workout. 

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That was really interesting, thanks for sharing. And for what it's worth, I've been slightly jealous of you because you're really pretty and always have interesting things to say on NF and do cool challenges you actually finish and have lots of cool NF friends and you get to travel for work and you generally seem to have your shit together in a way that would be intimidating at a high school reunion. I know I only see a tiny piece of your life through forums, but don't sell yourself short. I hope you institute some really nice habits and thought patterns with your self love challenge.

Also, not hating anyone as long as you've hated your body really hit home for me.

On a more serious note, how has your self love challenge not already turned your thread into one giant running masturbation innuendo? I'm not sure if I'm impressed or disappointed.

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Mekong, level 11 Cherek Adventurer STR 37|DEX 27|STA 35|CON 32|WIS 35|CHA 27

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

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Sylvaa you are very brave for sharing what you did. One of the hardest people in the world to love is ourselves. I maintain that even narcissists don't really love themselves, but rather spoil themselves. True love means giving ourselves what we need more often than what we want. True love builds up and makes us healthy. So many people who are capable of loving find it easier to love others. The person it is most difficult to love (ourselves) is also the hardest person to forgive. I will tell you what a very wise man named Fred Rogers once told me (and millions of others). You are the only you that has ever been. There has never been anyone like you before and there will never be anyone like you again, and I like you just the way you are.

 

You are a good and kind woman, you are a great rebel, and you are a very good person. You have shared that it's hard for you to believe that about yourself. Can you start by believing I believe it about you?

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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2 minutes ago, Mekong said:

On a more serious note, how has your self love challenge not already turned your thread into one giant running masturbation innuendo? I'm not sure if I'm impressed or disappointed.

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If you notice, I've been super careful to say love yourself, not self love. Quite frankly I am not sure and once we get past the heavy stuff, I am sure we will resume our normally scheduled innuendos.

 

Part of my point in sharing what I did is because I think a lot of people feel the same way about themselves and it's a "you aren't the only one" time here. I do have a lot of my life together. But it doesn't stop me from being human and having the same thoughts and insecurities as everyone else. 

 

It was almost a revelation to say, holy crap I've hated my body that long. I don't remember a time where I looked in the mirror and was totally happy with what I saw. And if I had a friend who told me they felt this way, I would do everything I could to help them. So why has it taken me so long to help myself? (Also throwing this out there Mekong - from your picture, I don't think we look all that different!)

 

Tank, sometimes I'm not sure if you crawl up in people's minds to find the right thing to say, but you (and Mr. Rogers) are wonderful tonight. I'm glad you've been a part of my threads and kept me on the path.

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1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

Tank, sometimes I'm not sure if you crawl up in people's minds to find the right thing to say, but you (and Mr. Rogers) are wonderful tonight. I'm glad you've been a part of my threads and kept me on the path.

 

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

Part of my point in sharing what I did is because I think a lot of people feel the same way about themselves and it's a "you aren't the only one" time here. I do have a lot of my life together. But it doesn't stop me from being human and having the same thoughts and insecurities as everyone else. 

Like you yourself said, you aren't the only one. From what you described, I think you feel those things more deeply than I have and have struggled with it in different ways than I have, but you are most certainly not alone. I'm happy I could help.

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So today is travel day. It's a rest day for me, although if I get home on time, I may fit in the next chapter of Age of Pandora. I'm expecting to be home around 9, so it should be possible. 

 

Today will also be a mini challenge for me. I've gotten into the habit of stopping at McDonald's for dinner on the way home from the airport (I live 110 miles from the airport), but today I am going to eat before boarding and pick up some beef jerky as a snack for the drive. 

 

Day 2 of self love (giggity giggity)"

 

Identify one unrealistic expectation you have been holding onto and let it go:

Spoiler

Rant for a minute: How do you just let an unrealistic expectation go? For real - you know that big bang theory where Sheldon envisions his anger as a pen, then gets mad because it's a nice pen? I am Sheldon. 

 

I need to let go of the idea that if I don't get my entire house cleaned every weekend I am a failure. I am home three days a week. Yes, not living in a dump is important, but so is spending time with my family. If I forego vacuuming to go bowling or watching a movie with the family, this doesn't make me a bad person. 

 

A photo of you:

My daughter and I being silly while mattress shopping:

Spoiler

Us_zps0o5jy5gq.jpg

 

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1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Identify one unrealistic expectation you have been holding onto and let it go:

  Reveal hidden contents

Rant for a minute: How do you just let an unrealistic expectation go? For real - you know that big bang theory where Sheldon envisions his anger as a pen, then gets mad because it's a nice pen? I am Sheldon. 

 

I need to let go of the idea that if I don't get my entire house cleaned every weekend I am a failure. I am home three days a week. Yes, not living in a dump is important, but so is spending time with my family. If I forego vacuuming to go bowling or watching a movie with the family, this doesn't make me a bad person. 

 

A photo of you:

My daughter and I being silly while mattress shopping:

  Reveal hidden contents

Us_zps0o5jy5gq.jpg

 

 

I totally relate to that Sheldon-ism!  (is that a thing?)  Anyway, I get it.  But at the same time, learning how to let go of those things is a pretty big deal in and of itself.  It's not the easiest in the world, nor is it instant, but it is good.  

 

And that is a fantastic picture!  You both look great, and happy! 

"Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back." - Captain Malcolm Reynolds

 

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1 minute ago, Oramac said:

 

I totally relate to that Sheldon-ism!  (is that a thing?)  Anyway, I get it.  But at the same time, learning how to let go of those things is a pretty big deal in and of itself.  It's not the easiest in the world, nor is it instant, but it is good.  

 

And that is a fantastic picture!  You both look great, and happy! 

 

My husband tells me all the time that I am Sheldon. I don't find him funny.

 

And thanks! We were laying on a super expensive bed, so we were pretty happy at the moment (note: that bed was not the one we chose - it was that expensive). 

 

Side note: my daughter can't take a bad picture. I actually like this picture of me, but sometimes, I want to smack her for being photogenic.

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23 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

My husband tells me all the time that I am Sheldon. I don't find him funny.

 

And thanks! We were laying on a super expensive bed, so we were pretty happy at the moment (note: that bed was not the one we chose - it was that expensive). 

 

Side note: my daughter can't take a bad picture. I actually like this picture of me, but sometimes, I want to smack her for being photogenic.

 

My family has called me Sheldon more than once as well.  I also don't find it funny.  

 

It's still good to get a chance to try it out!  I'm not photogenic either.  But my sister is.  It's crazy how that works.  

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My flight was late getting in last night (combination of some idiot woman not getting off her phone timely and sitting waiting to take off forever), then ran into traffic, partly due to construction and partly due to some (possible) drug bust that involved four cop cars and one person getting pulled over. So it was almost 10 before I got home - making yesterday a complete rest day. The good news is I did not get fast food on my way home, although I did grab Starbucks before leaving the airport (I needed caffeine - it's a long drive). Even with that, my calories and protein were on target, so I'll survive.

 

Today will be the next chapter of Age of Pandora and Week 1 Day 3 workout. I've also got to pick up my two from spending the week with their great-aunt. Finally getting caught up on Ninja Warrior too - it gets DVR'd, so that we can watch it as a family, but last weekend we slacked. Super excited because I am a huge fan of Jessie Graff (this girl). She is super talented!

 

e5c5de69c6b9a82c163e231e1e04f705.jpg

 

Love yourself Day 3:

 

Identify one negative eating habit and commit to cut back or cut it out, be specific:

Spoiler

One of my negative eating habits is not eating meals. I know that some people have a lot of success with IF, but I am not one of those people. I will get too busy or too distracted to eat a meal and next thing I know, it is 6 hours later and I am devouring an entire jar of salsa along with an entire bag of tortilla chips (true story: this happened last weekend).

 

This is a two part solution. Number one, I need to listen to my body. When my stomach is growling or feeling like it is hungry, look at the clock and feed it. Side note: I drink between 2 - 3 L of water a day - I know I am not thirsty when my body signals it wants food. 

Number two, I need to keep quick, easy, healthy food on hand so that when I wait too long to eat and start searching out junk, I've got healthy food waiting for me.

 

A word that describes you:

 

Spoiler

I took one of those online tests for which word best describes me and I got:

 

Ambition.jpg

 

At first, I was like, nope! Not me. I really have no desire to climb a corporate ladder or take over my company or anything like that. But then, when I thought in terms of the rest of life, I think it's fairly accurate. I dream big and I do what I need to so that I get there. 

 

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1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

 

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I took one of those online tests for which word best describes me and I got:

 

Ambition.jpg

 

At first, I was like, nope! Not me. I really have no desire to climb a corporate ladder or take over my company or anything like that. But then, when I thought in terms of the rest of life, I think it's fairly accurate. I dream big and I do what I need to so that I get there. 

 

 

What test did you take?  I'm curious what I would get too. 

 

Sounds like you had a good (if long) rest day!  Flights can be a tricky thing, since they can be so unpredictable.  But it sounds like you handled it pretty well even so! 

"Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back." - Captain Malcolm Reynolds

 

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Also, I Agree With Tank™

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3 minutes ago, Oramac said:

 

What test did you take?  I'm curious what I would get too. 

 

Sounds like you had a good (if long) rest day!  Flights can be a tricky thing, since they can be so unpredictable.  But it sounds like you handled it pretty well even so! 

 

I did this one. It was fun. 

 

My Monday's and Thursday's are crazy long due to the travel. That's one reason I've just designated Thursday as a rest day and any extra exercise is a bonus (the second reason is that I don't like getting up early, so I won't do a morning workout). I've been traveling for work for almost three years now, so I'm sure it sounds a lot worse to other people. 

 

Update on the VT TM. I won't be there (rant in spoiler). Short version - husband ended up with other plans and I'm not going without him.

Spoiler

My husband's hockey team won their beer league over the winter. So the same weekend as the TM, there is a celebration party, which he is going to. And as I'm trying to be a conscientious wife, I'm not traveling without my husband if I'm doing races with only guys. So basically, I've now paid for a race that I'm not going to because of a BBQ. I'm hoping to get a credit to use at a later time, but not sure when that will be because I'm not really wanting to do a TM without a group. 

 

I'm mad. Now I've got to go to a party with people I've never met (which I do not do well with - at least forum people I feel like I know to an extent) who are going to sit around and drink (which I no longer do). I know it's the right thing to do for the sake of a healthy marriage, but I just feel like ugh. This was all planned and now boom! nope. To be fair, I've not been a very supportive wife when it comes to hockey - his games were always Sunday night, so it was hard for me to get there with trying to get ready to travel the next day. But I feel like the amount of money we put out for the trip should have taken precedence. 

 

 For new people, this isn't really a new issue for my husband and I. He has no interest in doing - well anything too athletic (you could argue with the hockey, but he plays once a week and does no conditioning work). I was trying to find someone to travel with for races, but ran up against only finding guys interested in doing the races and my husband not being cool with that. I respect that. It irritates me, because I don't like the lack of trust, but I do understand it (his first wife cheated on him), so I honor his feelings with it. I think what really gets to me is that I don't have friends to do this kind of stuff with. Honestly, I have co-workers, family, and internet friends and that's about it - I don't have friends. So it's just frustrating when I have opportunities to meet people who have similar interests and something comes up. 

 

I'll be fine, I just need to process the situation and I'll be over it. But I'm super bummed because I'd really like to do a TM. But I'll get there. And it just gives me more time to get in shape for the one I do.

 

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11 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Update on the VT TM. I won't be there (rant in spoiler). Short version - husband ended up with other plans and I'm not going without him.

  Hide contents

My husband's hockey team won their beer league over the winter. So the same weekend as the TM, there is a celebration party, which he is going to. And as I'm trying to be a conscientious wife, I'm not traveling without my husband if I'm doing races with only guys. So basically, I've now paid for a race that I'm not going to because of a BBQ. I'm hoping to get a credit to use at a later time, but not sure when that will be because I'm not really wanting to do a TM without a group. 

 

I'm mad. Now I've got to go to a party with people I've never met (which I do not do well with - at least forum people I feel like I know to an extent) who are going to sit around and drink (which I no longer do). I know it's the right thing to do for the sake of a healthy marriage, but I just feel like ugh. This was all planned and now boom! nope. To be fair, I've not been a very supportive wife when it comes to hockey - his games were always Sunday night, so it was hard for me to get there with trying to get ready to travel the next day. But I feel like the amount of money we put out for the trip should have taken precedence. 

 

 For new people, this isn't really a new issue for my husband and I. He has no interest in doing - well anything too athletic (you could argue with the hockey, but he plays once a week and does no conditioning work). I was trying to find someone to travel with for races, but ran up against only finding guys interested in doing the races and my husband not being cool with that. I respect that. It irritates me, because I don't like the lack of trust, but I do understand it (his first wife cheated on him), so I honor his feelings with it. I think what really gets to me is that I don't have friends to do this kind of stuff with. Honestly, I have co-workers, family, and internet friends and that's about it - I don't have friends. So it's just frustrating when I have opportunities to meet people who have similar interests and something comes up. 

 

I'll be fine, I just need to process the situation and I'll be over it. But I'm super bummed because I'd really like to do a TM. But I'll get there. And it just gives me more time to get in shape for the one I do.

 

 

Oh man, that's tough!  I'm sorry to hear it, but I understand.  I've actually been cheated on in the past as well and while I've gotten past it, I can totally understand where he's coming from.  Hopefully you can get a credit for the TM.  I've not had to cancel a race yet so I don't know how that works.

:(  

 

But, major kudos to you for being a good wife and supporter of your husband!  He might not say anything, but I'm sure it means a lot to him.

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"Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back." - Captain Malcolm Reynolds

 

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1 hour ago, Oramac said:

 

 

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Oh man, that's tough!  I'm sorry to hear it, but I understand.  I've actually been cheated on in the past as well and while I've gotten past it, I can totally understand where he's coming from.  Hopefully you can get a credit for the TM.  I've not had to cancel a race yet so I don't know how that works.

:(  

 

But, major kudos to you for being a good wife and supporter of your husband!  He might not say anything, but I'm sure it means a lot to him.

 

 

I do know this. I just needed to vent a bit. The same thing happened to me too, so I know how difficult putting something like that behind you can be, especially considering these circumstances. 

 

I think there is another TM somewhere around me in the fall, so I'm going to see if I can just switch to that one. 

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On 9.6.2016 at 3:44 AM, Severine said:

Also, I had never heard of Age of Pandora and I just googled it and it looks amazing!! I love story-driven stuff like that - I'm a huge fan of the Zombies, Run! app, for example. So thanks for tipping me off to a cool new thing.

Me, too!!

So many awesome things going on here. I like your set up a lot and I'll be cheering you on as much as I can! It was also really interesting to read your insights on the self love quest (I hope that doesn't sound too creepy ;) ). And that picture of you and your daughter is just gorgeous. No way you're a 5 :P

 

Sorry about the VT TM. That's a really difficult situation to be in. I second what Oramac said and I hope you'll be able to switch easily!

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First: Love this challenge. All the self-positivity. This should be a good place to hang out.

 

Really sorry about the VT Tough Mudder. I think I would be in a permanent sulk. I hope you're not. Also, major kudos for being principled about who you race with and making it a travel policy. Remember, no matter how irritated you will be, you've stood for your integrity and the integrity of your relationship with him and that's something to be celebrated.

 

 

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