A silent guardian... a watchful protector...

[DrakeStryker]

Hallo fellow Rebels!  My name's Matt, and I'm a hybrid Ranger/Scout/Assassin/Monk/Druid, or, as I like to call it, Batman.  I'm a 29-year-old man (turning 30 later this year) from Bennington, Vermont.  So how did I get here?  Well, that's a bit of a story:

 

Origin

 

I'd say this goes back to when I was a little kid.  Ever since I was 5, I've loved science fiction, fantasy and super heroes.  I read books and comics with an insatiable appetite.  I watched movies (favorites at the time were '89 Batman and Ghostbusters) over and over, memorizing every line of dialogue.  I loved each of my heroes, movies and books with abandon, a glorious passion that I didn't bother hiding from anyone, talking about them with anyone who would listen.  As I grew older, I switched schools in 3rd grade, and was soon the new kid who had to prove himself.  Unfortunately, my new group of peers were more into sports, music and macho culture, and I soon became the punchline for their constant teasing and joking.  This led to me hurling myself deeper into my hobbies as I battled with depression and low self-esteem.  My behaviors got so bad that my parents took me to professionals who misdiagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.  I would spend my adolescence being the guinea pig for various psychiatric medications, feeling like I had a chronic sickness, and was irrevocably broken.

 

My hobbies have never challenged me physically, leading me to put on weight, most of it fat.  My self-image continued to be low, as I had internalized all of the things that the bullies had said about me.  My depression manifested into a monologue I told myself, of how I was fat, lazy, worthless and not worthy of being loved.  Even after I got through high school and stopped dealing with schoolyard bullying, this monologue had grown into a large part of my psyche, one that I continue to battle today.  It fed most of my behaviors, as my hobbies became obsessions that I used to distract myself, yet I ended up getting stuck in a cycle of unhealthy habits, my monologue becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I was never the guy who worked out, looked good, or got the girl, and my current state felt like a black hole I had no chance of escaping.  In addition, I looked like a carbon copy of my dad, both in face and body, as my father is a very heavy man.  Seeing my own future in him felt like Fate was against me, and that I had no choice but to turn into him over time.

 

I only started to become aware of this creature at the corner of my mind after I left my first college.  Both of my parents are well-educated people, and when I graduated high school, it was expected that I would go to college, as they had.  While I voiced once that I wasn't certain about continuing my education, I ended up going to a state school hours away from my parents, and got my first taste of freedom.  Somehow, I made friends, I was able to redefine who I was, and had many new experiences I hadn't had before.  I loved, and had my heart broken.  I stayed up late with friends, drinking and pontificating about movies, mythology and metaphysics, among many other topics.  But I was still ruled by this monster in my mind, and some of my relationships blew up in my face.  As I was prioritizing my relationships and personal life over academics, my grades began slipping.  As I approached the end of my second year, I began to question what I was doing at the college.  I had entered with the intention of getting a Bachelor's of Arts degree in Creative Writing.  Yet, I wasn't doing any writing at the time, spending more of my time among the few friends I still had or walking along the rural trails around the college, singing to myself.  I had found in high school (and trained and honed further when I got to college) that I loved to sing, and it had become my new obsession, compared to writing.

 

My parents let me move back in with them at the end of two years at the college, as my last relationship at the time had completely blown up.  Despite having just signed a lease, my then-girlfriend had just totaled the car my folks had gotten me, and we lived in a town so tiny that a college was pretty much the only thing in it.  Without the ability to drive to potential jobs, I had no way to earn a living and stay in the apartment we had just sighed for.  So, with no other options, I went back to my folks.  So I get back home, and fell right back into the black hole of depression.  I had failed to get a degree.  I felt worthless and stupid.  I couldn't even earn a degree lower than the one my parents had been able to attain (one had a Masters and was licensed as a therapist, the other had his Juris Doctorate).  I immediately fell back into my old habits, using movies and games as a distraction from the circumstances of my life, my mind-monster whispering cruel nothings to my subconscious.

 

Yet, hope was not lost.  I grabbed the odd job here and there, working retail, construction and others, making enough money to continue to indulge in my hobbies.  I had no motivation to work on moving out, getting fit, or really changing or maturing in any way.  Yet, as I watched my way through America's cinema, I saw a trailer for an independent film that piqued my interest: that trailer was for Peaceful Warrior, an adaptation of a novel written by Dan Millman.  I made it a point to rent the film, and it became the turning point that shifted my entire worldview.  Being single, overweight, and not having a job that I truly loved, I was pretty dissatisfied with my life.  Peaceful Warrior - and the book it was based on, that I ended up going out of my way to read once I was done with the film - changed the way I conceived happiness, and helped me see that I didn't need to be dependent on "things" that could make me happy.  I soon realized that no amount of games I played, books I read or movies I watched was ever going to make me happy.  It was both a crushing realization and the tipping point towards actual joy.

 

After that day, I began an irregular habit of meditating.  I noticed that when I meditated, I felt better, less at the mercy of my mind-monster, and less reactive to annoying things that happened throughout the day.  I found it was easier to be social with others, which helped me a great deal as I started working retail.  But I was also dealing with a feeling of restlessness, as my dissatisfaction with my current living and work situation began to rise to the surface of my consciousness.  I had always been told - even as a little kid - that I can do whatever I wanted to.  This terrified me, as I felt overwhelmed with all of the options.  Eventually, I ended up asking my father how he chose his current profession.  He said to me, "Think of how you want people to remember you when you're gone."  He didn't know it at the time, but he planted the seed of motivation for me to stop sitting on my butt, doing just enough to get by, and start working towards something meaningful.

 

Now a number of different things coalesced together to crystallize a school/career path for me.  Number one, I'm a huge Bat-geek.  No doubt about it, he's been my all-time favorite character from anything ever.  As I write this, I'm wearing an Under Armour compression shirt emblazoned with the likeness of the Dark Knight armor on its front.  In 2008, I was blown away by the reboot of the franchise when Chris Nolan brought us Batman Begins.  There are many principles brought about in that film, but one that has continued to stick with me is the following quote from Liam Neeson's character: "If you make yourself more than just a man - if you devote yourself to an ideal - and if they can't stop you.... then you become something else entirely... a legend..."  As my mind percolated on what my father had told me, I decided I didn't just want to make a career choice; I wanted to devote myself to an ideal.  In the vein of my favorite character, that night, I chose to devote myself to Justice.

I ended up enrolling back into college, this time starting small.  I enrolled in the local community college's Criminal Justice program.  As I've always been an intellectual, I wanted to combine my passion for justice with my passion for mysteries (I loved the detective stories of Batman's, as well as Sherlock Holmes, and various other thrilling stories) in order to best serve my community.  My idea for the path was that I would try to get in shape as I went to school, and when I was done, I would get a job with the Vermont State Troopers, and I would serve my state for as long as possible.  However, while I was able to make it through the academic side of things fairly easily, I struggled with getting in shape.  My eating habits didn't change, and I was inconsistent at keeping my workout habit steady and stable.  Every time I had a small setback, I thought "Fuck it," and would end up binge-eating Doritos, soda and pizza as I watched familiar films.  I was still stuck in my bad habits.  But now I was starting to become aware of how they affected me, and started noticing how I felt when I faltered and fell face-first into gluttony and sloth.  I recognized how my habits made me feel worse, and I started wondering how to change this,

 

I took the Physical Fitness test for the State Troopers twice after I graduated, and was unable to complete it either time.  The deadline for school enrollments was drawing near, and I found myself faced with a choice: do I double-down on my desire to become a detective, and keep at working at my physical fitness, or do I re-enroll in college?  If I re-enrolled, would I want to stick with Criminal Justice?  I was uncertain of the answers to my questions, and meditating was a habit I'd long since left by the wayside.  I ended up visiting my old 3rd-grade teacher, one of the first people to show an interest in my personal and professional development outside of my parents.  I explained my conundrum and asked her what she thought I should do.  She asked me "Well, what does a detective need to be good at his job?"

"They need to be tough, they need to be objective, to see things as they really are, to be separated from the situation they're investigating."

"Is that a strength of yours?"  This question hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I looked back in my head, I remembered all of the times I had talked friends through difficulties, from back in high school through college.  I liked being that guy, I enjoyed connecting with people like that.  Admitting "No" to that question was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  But then, she asked another question:

"Well, what are your strengths?"  Given my mind-monster, the answer to this didn't come to me right away.  Yet, after a few silent moments, I said "My ability to connect with others, and talk them through their difficulties."
"What profession would that be a strength for?"  I knew the answer to this already: good therapists have this ability in spades.  Yet, I really didn't want to be the kind of person my mother was.  Yet, I started to realize how much I enjoyed being that person for my friends, how satisfying it was to help them find happiness.  Perhaps I could find meaning in doing that as a living.

 

As I worked my way through a Bachelor's in Psychology and a Master's in Social Work (with which I've just graduated), I began becoming more and more aware of this part of my mind that kept telling me I was worthless and would never become the sort of man I wanted to be.  I fought cycles of trying to get into a stable fitness routine, of trying to eat healthy, but I wasn't able to maintain it for long.  I tried joining gyms, only to feel like I couldn't maintain a healthy habit without constant training, training I couldn't afford yet.  I had difficulty cultivating the discipline to work out on my own at home, and only felt comfortable working out when no one else was there.  The mind-monster mocked me, but I was starting to see that it was wrong.  I had earned - through hard work - an Associate's degree, and I earned a Bachelor's degree two years later.  These successes became signs that I could work hard at something and accomplish it, something I hadn't believed all of my life.

 

Another thing changed in the first year of my Master's program: I became addicted to running.  When my dad got me an Android smartphone for graduating with my Bachelor's, I looked at various apps that were used for fitness purposes.  One of the ones that intrigued me was Zombies, Run! an interval running app that motivated runners by telling them zombies were chasing them during "missions" and forcing the runner to increase their speed, or else get caught.  I tried this at my parents' house before, with not much luck.  I ended up trying it again when I moved to Burlington to pursue my Master's, but again, with little encouragement.  Over and over, I got caught by zoms, dropping supplies and hearing the mind-monster telling me that in Zombieland, I'm one of the fatties that becomes some of the first zoms.  The chase would ensue, I would try to sprint, my pace would fall after ten seconds (I had never really been in adequate running shape before), and I would get caught.  Until one day, I didn't.

 

One day, I was out running, and I started hearing the ominous beeping.  "Warning: Zombies Detected."  Oh shit, I thought as I started pumping my legs as fast as they would go.  Five seconds.  My lungs felt like they were on fire.  Ten seconds.  The beeping quickened.  "Warning, Zombies 90 meters."  Fifteen seconds.  The mind-monster chipped in: You're not fast enough.  You're going to get caught again.  A desperate grimace formed on my face.  And then a calm quiet spread over my mind, my head feeling light and another voice chiming in, You can do this.  Just keep this up.  This pace.  Right now.  Just breathe, and ignore the rest of us.  Go.  Suddenly, I felt as though the world melted away, and it was just me, my legs pumping, my breath steady, and the world flying by me.  The sky seemed to brighten.  The beeping slowed.  I don't know if it was my pace or my sustaining my pace or what happened, but after not too long, I soon heard a phrase I had never been happier to hear "Zombies Evaded."  I flew home, elated and overjoyed, bursting with energy and happiness.  For the first time ever, I had found success in a physical activity!  From that day on, I was hooked on running.

But it wasn't without its challenges.  I have flat feet, and this often led to shin splints that would stop me from running for weeks at a time.  This became a frustrating cycle, as I would now end up overtraining on a regular basis, and have to take time off, where I would binge on bad foods again.  I finally went to a professional who could determine what my issues were with running, and who helped me pick out a great pair of motion-controlling running shoes.  That certainly helped, but I also had to deal with the inevitable cycle of overtraining that came from running more than one day in a row.  As I haven't been a lifelong runner, my legs don't have the strength to do that, and I would keep getting shin splints and would force me to take more time off.

 

Over the course of getting my Master's, I have slowly realized that my battle with fitness wasn't really due to the bullies from my past who I blamed my mental health struggles on.  It wasn't due to not having developed good habits at an early age.  It wasn't even due to the mind-monster who tried to drag me down into depression.  It was the choices I was making in my life.  If I spent too much time playing games or watching movies instead of doing something active, I wasn't going to lose weight or get muscular; I was going to stay fat.  If I didn't eat healthy foods, and if I over-ate or ate foods that were bad for me, I was going to get fatter.  "It's not who I am underneath; it's what I do that defines me."  I started realizing that it was less about how I felt about getting fitter and the choices I was making that impacted that goal.

 

While I continued with the struggle of being consistent (and continued to work on my Master's degree), a friend on the Zombies, Run! Facebook group told me about this book he had read that had revolutionized the way he looked at health, happiness and fitness.  That book is, as you may have guessed, Level Up Your Life.  I read it cover-to-cover and have been spending the last month actually starting to get consistent with working towards my goals.  I'm here now, and ready to get serious about my part in The Rebellion!

[DrakeStryker]

My Big WHYS

For years now, I have been aware of the cosplay community.  I've seen so many pictures of guys who have made replica-grade costumes and gone to conventions or cheered up kids at birthday parties and hospitals.  I really respect the kind of work these guys do, and have always imagined how empowering it can be to put on the suit of some of my favorite heroes.  Whenever I start writing about this, I think back to my favorite hero, Batman, and I think of how he took a tragedy - the moment his parents were gunned down in front of his eyes - and changed it in his mind from being a moment that would drag him into a depression to transform it to a moment that would bring meaning to his life.  Thankfully, I've had no such thing happen in my own life, but I admire the dedication that brings about that sort of transformation.  I've seen people use the symbol of Batman to help them level up their lives in various ways, especially in the cosplay community.  So, in channeling my inner Dark Knight, I have determined my own reasons to want to get healthier, stronger and fitter.

1. I want to be strong enough to defend myself and my loved ones.

I took Tae Kwon Do classes when I was a kid, and I remember really enjoying learning the strikes and blocks, the forms, and sparring with peers.  I got through several years of training, eventually earning my brown belt, but stopped going out of teenage boredom.  It's a choice I continue to regret.  While I want to get back into practicing martial arts (just working on getting a job that will allow me to afford this), I want to be able to be strong and fast enough to practice this effectively.

 

2. I want to practice joy through exercise, and preserve my good mental health.

Since I started exercising, I've found that the mind-monster is quieter - and I feel so much happier - when I exercise, whether it's strength training or running.  I acknowledge that staying away from depression requires me continuing to be involved in physical activity of some sort, maintaining a daily practice.  To this end, I want to stay active and practice meditation in order to maintain a good sense of well-being and positive mental health.

 

3. I want to look good in a Batsuit.

As it's been an ambition of mine to have my own custom Batsuit since I was a little boy, I have come to realize that I also want the Batman-worthy body to make that suit look good.  Thus, I want to have a body that looks like it could fight crime effectively, so that I can go to conventions or hospitals without worrying that I look more like Fatman than Batman.