TokiDoki Kitty's Daily Log

[TokiDokiKitty]

Leveled up in Pokemon. Had homicidal meltdown driving to work yesterday (PMDD can go f--- itself. I hate being biologically female.) Did some navelgazing about the wheat/sugar conundrum and decided to skip gluten sources for the day (obvious, anyway). Drank 80-90 oz of water rather than my usual 60-ish of liquids-in-general. 

 

End of day recap: No gluten, had sugars (via fruit, protein bars, no-cal sweeteners, etc) but drank more liquid. Sinus-y headache at 9pm sent me to bed with advil and benadryl in my system. Also on day four or five of taking joint supplements in the evening before bed (collagen, omega, turmeric/curcumin compounds, MSM/glucosamine). I'd take them in the a.m. but the magnesium component in those big horse pills makes me sleeeeepy.  

 

Woke up this morning feeling refreshed, well-rested, NOT GROGGY and actually awake-with-my-alarm. Freakin' amazing. For the first time in a month, I had a full hour before I needed to be out the door for work, and spent a few minutes on crafts, scrolling Facebook, etc. Knees did not ache, and only felt painful when I took the stairs down for coffee. Admittedly, this is only ONE day/data point, with dueling factors for success, but it's worth continuing. Several hours later, the dull ache is back somewhat, but not nearly at the level it was the last two weeks. 

 

So. Hopefully this positive reinforcement continues - it will put me one step closer to paleo-ish/clean eating, which has been my goal for a while now anyway - and I can get back to being up and moving in the morning before work.  Fingers crossed! 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Spent the weekend gluten free* (except one potsticker that I ate without thinking) and other than the Friday morning miracle, didn't feel any more improved or different. I could sit on the tatami mat Saturday without pain, so that was a notable improvement (usually I'm hobbled for the next 24 hours and in agony during lessons). I did get a splitting headache out of left field yesterday afternoon, but that could be anything from sitting next to the dog for 2 hours to tension from hunching over a craft project. 

 

* As far as I was aware, anyway - I didn't go poring over medicine/cosmetic ingredients, etc., but actively avoided wheat/flour/bread/etc. Thankfully, 99% of my protein snacks are also GF, which made it a LOT easier. 

 

My knees have remained less ache-y, at least. Mornings are rough again, but honestly? I really just like sleeping. (Especially compared to the prospect of going to work.)  Continued to stay as hydrated as possible, and I'm still trying to figure out what, exactly, is the culprit to eliminate.  

 

I also bought some gluten-free bread, baking flours, and pancake mix. The bread is pretty grim as-is, but toasted with some butter and jam? That works.  

 

Work this morning hasn't even been going on for 30 minutes and I already want to walk out and go home. Nothing but whiny minutiae bullshit. (Icing on the cake - "you need to re-send an email to someone who's worked here for over a decade with more explicit instructions" Uh, NO. The woman's been doing her job for longer than I have. She knows what a 'quote' entails. If she won't do her job, it's not MY responsibility to monitor her like an errant toddler.) 

 

UGH. MONDAY.

 

Class starts tonight. I'm hoping it's just a "welcome, here's your shopping list and class policies, see you Wednesday" sort of class. I still feel utterly tapped out at a mental/emotional level. I have vacation time coming up, but it just can't get here soon enough. 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, not totally gluten-free - yesterday I had an ice cream cone (was only going to have the ice cream part but went, f--- it, I want the whole thing) and didn't notice any change good or bad in joints. So if things ARE because of a developing gluten sensitivity, it's clearly not a highly-developed one.  So i think the anti-inflammatory/joint meds are helping as much as anything - I've been really good about those for a week and a half, as well as walking at lunch, etc. Keeping everything moving.  [Tangentially related: The "Bandelettes" sold at SockDreams.com are fab against chub-rub during the warm months. I ordered them with more than a little mistrust because anything on my thighs looooves to roll up or down, but these stayed in place and were utterly unnoticeable during my 30-minute walk today. So that was nice.] 

 

Ceramics class promises to be interesting. Hopefully not in a Firefly way - there are three different classes in one - but I suppose that remains to be seen. 

Listening to more Brene Brown (Rising Strong) and it's good stuff to hear - totally relatable - and hopefully something I can actually put into practice when the need arises. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Sore throat day 2. Caved to Taco Bell after class last night and had a quesadilla. Something about gooshy comfort food... Throat is less sore this a.m., no noticeable effects from the flour tortilla (GF otherwise during the day) and I suspect less bread is ideal but gluten free is not a necessary change. No idea.  Continuing to walk at lunch and take my joint pill pile at night. 

 

Ceramics class is harder than I thought - that wheel is EVIL - but after watching the teacher demo for the fourth time, I think it will click. 

 

Had protein on the way in, overnight oats in a jar for later, leftover bean burrito for snack.  Japanese convo class tonight. 

 

Not much else going on. Haven't been to the gym or worked out, know I should, but can't scrounge up the giveadamn to care.

[TokiDokiKitty]

Took a full week off work. Much needed break. 

 

First thing I came back to was basically the expectation that I babysit fully-grown adults. 

 

... I should have just quit and cashed out the PTO. I'd be happier, albeit broke as fuck. 

 

did NOT stay on plan last week. Didn't over indulge, but other than Tuesday's Disney excursion (14,600 steps and a ton of Poke stops), I didn't do much physical activity. had some sort of flu bug Wed/Thurs. Stuffy head Fri/Sat/Sun.  Pushed personal training appointment to this Friday a.m. instead of last week. 

 

Not much else to report. Knee pain is moderately less. and likely affected more by hydration than gluten, so it's chug all the waters for me, for the foreseeable future. >[   (I am so bad at this. Seriously. So. Bad.) 

 

Still fat. Still don't fit into the kimono I'm supposed to wear Saturday.  Still have no fucks to give about these two things.  (The last time I lost enough weight to be in the "ideal" range for my height/age, I had an eating disorder. We're not going back to that again, ever. So if I slim down with muscle building, fine. If not? Also fine.) 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Back on track-ish today. Was good until the "birthday" celebration came around, and my willpower went buh-bye. (Wasn't even worth it! Tummy ache central! Ugh.) Started the day with overnight oats and a protein drink - 99g of protein right there! And then it all went to hell over cookies and ice cream. I don't even LIKE cookies or ice cream that much. WTF?? 

 

Walked at lunch, at least. (Seriously, I have NO problem paying for items in Pokemon Go. It gets me off my duff every damn day for at least 30 minutes. Worth it.) 

 

Applied for another job yesterday - fingers crossed!!! It's the same money as I make now, but about 3 miles from home without freeway commuting. So THAT would be amazing. I hate driving. Absolutely loathe it. I hate other drivers, hate rush hour, hate the luxury-car-mentality assholes in the area where I work now... all of it.  Hell, cutting out a commute on the freeway would be worth a pay cut, honestly. (Not to mention save on gas.)  [It's also a school district, so the benefits will not SUCK MIGHTILY like they do now, which means that in theory, even at a lower salary, I'd see more of that salary instead of losing $200+ every two weeks for a single-person plan that offers NOTHING.] 

 

... I'm also still completely devoid of fucks to give around here. Still getting things popping up from my Drowning Time(tm) and I just don't care. Yeah, dropped the ball on chasing after grown adults who don't keep their sales promises. Yeah, didn't get any help and now look how it's going wrong.  Am I going to fix it? Well, I sure as shit don't plan on putting much effort into it. (See previous post re: babysitting.)  

 

So I'm still fat, I'm still grumpy, my knees are still problematic (though less than a few weeks ago) and I desperately need a job I don't spend 8 hours a day chanting the mental mantra "I don't want to be here."  

 

I should embrace the positive (I have a new machine at work that doesn't crash constantly; by and large I'm unsupervised which suits my INTJ personality, the coffee is free) but right now? I'm so tapped out. 

 

I've been working on Etsy shop items - made more, but the photography/listing process is incredibly slow, so there are still only about ~30 items posted for sale. There's another ~30-40 sitting in my workspace waiting to be listed, or photographed, or both. That and I want to re-take earlier photos that just don't look nice at all. (I found a bargain on some ring clips and jewelers' u-pins on Amazon, which will help immensely.)  I've read that it takes about 120 items listed for a shop to really take off. Given that I've made all of 3 sales in a calendar year... I believe it.  Folks are viewing and favoriting, they're just not buying. [And really, if I lower prices much more, the shipping is more than the item and that just seems ridiculous to me. I'm already priced lower than the pricing formulas suggest on most of my items, especially those that take a lot of time to assemble/structure.] 

 

In other areas of my life, I'm going to start KonMari-ing things. I still need to read the book(s) but I know the basic tenet: if it doesn't bring you joy, it goes.  I'm applying this immediately to most of my email subscriptions - so what if there's a bangin' sale at Loft? I have more clothes than I can wear anyway. Same for Torrid, Old Navy, Kohl's... I don't read the daily horoscopes - those go. Half the stuff from Bodybuilding.com is a sales pitch - buhbye.  The fewer options I have for impulse shopping, the less cluttered my life will be in the long run. 

 

I know I need to get a) nutrition and b.) stress levels under control or this weight will never go anywhere.  Which means paring down my life to the basics - job, school, hobbies.  (And while it's already close to that... there are still too many balls in the air at once these days.)  And once A and B are streamlined, sleep and fitness routines should fall into place more easily. Right now, I can't even find the time to go to the gym or I don't have the energy when I have the time. It's a vicious cycle of suck.  (And I know it's 80/20 food/exercise, so there's no point in prioritizing the gym over eating right, anyway.) 

 

So, there's today's word vomit. At least I can check that off on my Habitica list. 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Does anyone even read this? >_> 

 

Applied for another job today. More secretary-style work, but it's about the same money and with better benefits. 

 

Scale is down 2 pounds from the last time I looked at it 2+ weeks ago, so that's not bad. At least I'm not getting fatter. 

 

Proats for breakfast.  Food trucks are out today and tempting-ish. Like, I want something from the nacho truck but not the whole serving. Same goes for the other ones there. Oh well. I'll ignore it for now and see how I feel by 1pm. 

 

Class tonight. 

 

Work still sucks but the worst of the fires are out right now (KNOCK ON WOOD) so it sucks less.  I'm still keeping my resume spit-shined and ready to go, and applying to jobs that will reduce my commute but not my paycheck.  If none of them pan out, so be it. At least it's given me options to keep in mind about what I *should* be making here (hint: not nearly close right now) versus the rest of the marketplace. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Everything at work is going up in flames. Some of it is my fault (learning curve in April means things coming to light now; chaos in June/July creating omissions), some of it is not. But it's all on my desk and a flaming pile of sh*t right now.  Walked some at lunch but also got a pesto sandwich and nachos (the bad-but-good kind, not anything with real cheese) as a comfort lunch.  Nowhere near my protein goals for the day. 

 

Tomorrow and Monday are off work - I hope. I may have to come in half the day on Monday if things are still going to hell. 

 

Not much else going on. i've pushed my personal training another week out - next Friday at lunchtime - and still haven't done any lifting of any sort. I'm just TIRED. Bone-deep over-it-all tired. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, Thursday was awful.  The rest of the weekend wasn't wonderful, either. I *knew* going in on Saturday that I'd be too big for my kimono (seasonal rules = I only have the one viable option) and I *thought* that wouldn't bother me. I was wrong. So, so, SO wrong. Spent the entire time - and subsequent days after - in a nasty spiral of bad body image and resenting the fact that my lousy willpower means that I can't even STARVE myself thin. Like, I can't not-eat, I can't NOT eat... it's a mess. Sick as a dog all weekend, hating everything about my body... 

 

Friday morning I was sick. Sleeping-on-the-bathroom-floor-between-bouts sick. (I was supposed to go help set up for Saturday... that didn't happen.)  The stomach issues came back again Sunday morning, and somewhat yesterday. Period started, figured that was it. Got to work, more of the same.  I think I've shifted from keeping stress in my shoulders to keeping it in my guts, because I have not been this screwed up in a long while. Stopped taking all my meds in case something was interacting wrong. Nope, now I'm just queasy AND angry. (And stuffy - need my antihistamines.)  One big fuckin' ray of sunshine, lately. 

 

Friend at work (bestie/wifey) is about ready to walk out without notice. Management and leadership have failed her miserably. She has the $ in savings to manage. I don't, or I'd follow her right out. Fffff.   Hope I can keep successfully casting a net for better opportunities. When she leaves, I'm going to miss her. I don't have many other friends or allies here. (I have very little in common with them and prefer books to people, so... yeah.)  

 

I am so tired of feeling lousy at every level - physical, emotional, mental.  And without any financial security, I'm stuck where I am. 

 

Planning to start - somewhat - the "Get fit quick" plan on the Academy page - it's Level 10 nutrition, which I'm not anywhere near, and Level 10 fitness regimen - again, not even close. BUT it's a good guideline/goalpost to aim for, and something is better than nothing, so I've printed it all out and will do what I can, where I can. Today I already failed before 8am with a bagel (I bought them last week, was going to supplement with eggs and veg, stomach wasn't having any of it.) but I do have chicken thighs for lunch along with salad and veggies. So there's that.  I may just finish the night with a massive protein shake and call it a day, try again fresh tomorrow.  Getting in the protein and NOT snarfing all the carbs is the challenge; I weigh 180 lbs. That's a LOT of protein if I'm following the 1g/lb rule and 100g or less of carbs in a day.  It's also a lot more protein than the kitchen at home is equipped for right now, so I think I'm going to hit up Costco on the way home and pick up some beef and veggies, then do some serious meal prep work. I printed the NF Shopping cheat sheet to help, because I tend to get decision paralysis or make bad choices when there are too many options. (Or get too many 'ideas' for meals that never happen, and then food goes bad.)

 

On the up side, I've hit enough of a self-hating low point that seeing the breakfast pastry leftovers in the kitchen (and the "pick me up" candy) just made me roll my eyes and walk away, rather than consider cutting off a 'little' taste. I'll take what success I can get, I suppose. 

 

And I just got the rejection email from one of the jobs I applied for. Goddamnit. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Reboot day two, reboot #2. Since I failed utterly yesterday (there were pastries... I regretted that within the hour), we're doing this over again, TODAY.  Pitched all the bread/bagels from the fridge in the trash this morning so the temptation is not there. (I have Dave's thin sliced Powerseed in the freezer if I need bread for something.)  Also, the fridge smells funky from something I can't find, so Saturday's project is cleaning it out and bleaching the shelves... 

 

Had a palmful of cashews from the yogurt chip-cranberry-raising trail mix set out in the kitchen. Not as 'healthy' as almonds, but definitely satisfying. Other than that, I've had coffee and some water.  I need to chug a protein drink, but the food trucks are next door today, too. One of them serves tri-tip, so I'm thinking I'll go ask for a loaded plate of the stuff sans bun (they have one that's got peppers and onions, etc). Good thing baked beans and slaw never appealed - easy to skip those sides.  Harder to avoid is the falafel truck. I don't even know WHY, but I am hooked on falafel wraps. [Could be worse. Could be Krispy Kreme or something, I suppose.]  So. Big pile of meat at lunch is the plan. Smaller piles of meat (chicken thighs) are in the work fridge, and I have a boiled egg and bell pepper to snack on.  Ordered Whole 30 off Amazon to get some meal ideas that don't involve processed stuff, sugars, etc., also.  Even if I keep swinging for Level 10 eating and land at Level 6-8, it's still more progress than I've been making lately. 

 

I also finally pulled the trigger on requesting a one-on-one with upper management after proofreading my work wifey's resignation letter(s).  That I'm seeing red is an understatement.  Luckily or unluckily, the next available in-person meeting is October 4th. One day after my wifey quits. *sigh*  I should probably warn him that I cuss a lot...  

 

Non-work is... not-happening, lately.  Ceramics class tonight, and while I think it's finally, slowly, coming together between my brain and my hands, I need to find time to go practice outside of class... but the lab hours are working hours other than Tues/Thurs evenings. Which means that no gym after work if I want to catch up on class. *facepalm* 

 

I tried to get up early today. Failed - I needed the sleep like crazy.  So.  Nutrition > Sleep > Stress > Movement > Exercise Regimen is my current approach.  Since I can't get past step two, there's no reason to add onto to step three (which is already plenty full) just to get to step 4.  I walk on my lunch breaks. (And listen to audio books - the Audible of Good Omens is brilliant so far.) Once I can get better at bed-by-9:45~, I can focus on the get-up-before-6 part of things. 

 

Personal training on Friday at lunch - I'm going to ask for help with form checks on things like squats and help with doing push-ups correctly (because I can't) and maybe request he doesn't work the muscles to exhaustion before form work. I still feel queasy every morning, lately [definitely not prego, since Aunt Flo is adding to the mix] and it hits like clockwork about the time my brain lands on the "time to get ready for work" thought train. 

 

Weather -- it's muggy and overcast like it's going to rain, but does it? NO.  Goddamnit. I want RAIN. I miss real weather, not this drought-hot-with-a-side-of-sunny Southern California bullshit.  

 

Off to a client meeting in a few minutes. We'll see if it makes me go sit in my car and cry for a lunch break. It might. 

 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Scale check this morning, 179.2 

 

It's been that number for a while now. OTOH, Aunt Flo has left the building. Still sick in the mornings, but it's getting less. I think the beginning of this week was a low point - so many things went wrong mentally and emotionally between the 16th and 20th that my coping mechanisms were shot.   Last night was an in-bed-by-8 night because of a splitting headache. Dog woke me at 1am, and then it was right back to bed and smacking snooze after 6-something. So up early isn't happening yet. Still have a headache, but NSAIDs have taken the edge off.  (Note to self, wash the eye pack - it smells of freezer.) 

 

Not hungry for breakfast until just now. Enjoying Pumpkin Spice tea this morning (adagio.com) -- much nicer than the Starbucks latte because there's no weird bitterness from coffee and too much clove. Ordered eggs and bacon from downstairs. Still 150g of protein to go for the day.  

 

Personal training at noon, today. Hopefully I'll make it through.  Then it's home (thank goodness for half days) and time to do some household chores and meal prep -- I need to thoroughly clean out the fridge, hard boil eggs, slice and pre-pack veggies, and then figure out a recipe for dinner. Somewhere in there I should probably stop by Costco for another rotisserie chicken for the dog (spoiled brat).   I did pick up fresh veg and some meats from the grocery store after class on Wednesday, so I've got the fixings for fajitas or beef stew or something involving meat/onion/peppers/mushrooms. Also a small cut of pork shoulder to try in the slow cooker for pulled pork. (Tenderloin is a no-go on that one. I've tried. It's grim.) 

 

Third day of the "get fit quick" macro settings. Still can't seem to hit my protein goals. I did scale it down to 170P / 80F / 100C and yesterday didn't hit any of it. (Of course, I had an awful headache by mid-afternoon, so...) 

 

Not sure if it's an NSV or wishful thinking or what, but my jeans are a bit looser in the stomach/hips this week. The scale hasn't changed, but I suspect cutting out all my junk choices has reduced some overall bloat/swelling, because I really doubt it's a lack of cortisol or something. Just less bread and whatnot.  But someone asked if I'd lost weight, so I must look at least a smidge less dumpy than usual. 

 

I miss getting to the gym. And I know there's stuff I can do at home, too, but DOING it seems to be the challenge. Like, it shouldn't be hard to do 5 (knee) push-ups in the morning or a 30-second plank after getting out of bed. But... I don't.  And that seems to be a recurring theme. I know what to do, I rehearse it in my head, I plan and strategize and then... nothing. It never gets past the planning stage.  

 

So today, gym with my trainer, and next week when Mom is home again, I can work out after work and get to bed early and reboot my schedule outside of work. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So yesterday was the third day in a row of having no appetite at all. No idea why. I'll guess the after-effects of stress and empathic stress (coworker bestie is miserable, which makes me miserable) plus hot weather, but really... just not eating. I think i clocked 600 calories by ten p.m. yesterday. 200 of those were from a skinny iced macchiatto from Starbucks on the way to Tea. 

I did cook most of the evening - pulled pork in the slow cooker (meh on the recipe, going to try another next time), sauteed bison and onions, hard boiled eggs, a ton of veggie slicing and snack packing, curried shrimp salad (salad shrimp + light mayo + pineapple juice + curry powder + diced veggies)... and didn't eat anything more than a few slices of bell pepper and one egg to test done-ness.  Didn't wake up hungry, either. 

 

Given that my default setting is usually somewhere between overeat and binge, I'm not going to force myself to eat right now. I've made a metric fuckton of food and it's in the fridge for whenever I get around to eating it. Packed some veggies, eggs, and shrimp salad for today. Already have leftover chicken thighs in the work fridge. (I'm hoping they didn't go off. The coffee maker and water dispenser died at some point between Friday and today, so... yeah.) 

(I also cleaned the fridge with bleach and threw out every last bit of anything remotely out of date. No more mystery smells!) 

 

Finally felt hungry-ish at 10 this morning and went down to the cafe in the building for a breakfast burrito. If I don't eat again, at least I've had a heaping portion of sausage and egg. I also bought a mixed fruit cup for snacking later.  Ceramics class tonight, and then Mom is home from her trip and I'll probably not get to bed on time because she'll want to tell me all about it and then grill me about the flaming pile of dogshit that is my job these days. *sigh*  As much as I want someone home to do the housework I don't have time for with a full schedule, I also really don't want to have to rehash everything that's gone horribly wrong right before bed, because I know I'll just stew over it for hours instead of falling asleep. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Forced myself to eat yesterday. Probably not a great idea, but there's no sense in not-eating, either. Still had no appetite.  Ditched class in favor of a nap - as nice as art time is, when it's a skill that causes more frustration than peace, it's not going to do me any good at the end of a long, painful day. I'll find time to catch up later, I suppose. Or just lag behind. I'm not taking this for any transferable credit, after all, just my own enjoyment. 

 

Had no appetite this morning, either, but chugged a protein drink on the way in to work. It's a start. 

 

Mom came home last night, and we went over what was happening at work. She agrees that the best thing to do is just keep my head down and avoid interacting with anyone until this passes or I have a new job lined up. 

 

Still have most of yesterday's packed options for food today. Just not interested in anything right now. I know it's the stress, but it's damn hard to get over. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Bad day.  Work bestie had seemed to get some resolution to her resignation yesterday, only to be unceremoniously booted from the office today.  And the Team Lead who orchestrated the last year of what amounted to abuse has already begun the smear campaign now that she's not around to defend herself.  And this is a lead I trusted. I'm still hurting and betrayed and angry. SO, so angry. 

 

I still haven't felt actually hungry in a week now, and it's probably stress. OTOH, I'm also trying not to reach for junk whenever I can (yesterday there were Pop chips and protein crunchy snacks) and it's working overall. My stomach looks a little flatter - so I think I'm a smidge less bloaty than before. I'm not going to bother with the scale or tape measure for a while, because right now, when the hierarchy is nutrition > stress > sleep > exercise, I'm still battling to control the first three. Mornings remain a struggle, no matter how early I go to bed. Lots of fighting and struggling in-dream. Not restful at all.  

 

I'm also still taking my meds. I was planning to taper off of them over the course of September/October before all the work drama went up in a flaming dogshit blaze, so... guess that's being tabled until November/December.  I have the Whole30 book and will start that in January, but work toward it with more paleo/non-processed choices wherever possible in the meantime.  (Still love dairy. I'm going to miss dairy on the Whole30... :/ ) 

 

Still haven't worked out. I just want to curl up and cry at home. I don't want to go to class or anything. I'm just... I'm angry and I'm so DONE with spending 8 hours a day in this toxic place. But without a viable alternative, I'm stuck. So. I just keep my head down and try damn hard not to let anyone see me rage or cry. [At least I sit in a corner so most people don't even know I'm in unless they come to look...] 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Leveled up to 25 in Pokemon today. I'll take it. 

 

Still haven't worked out.  Mostly want to cry.  My brain can't decide on whether or not I'm fat right now - I'm one of the leaner ones among my coworkers (and taller, so scale weight doesn't mean shite) but I'm not ANYWHERE as lean as I want to be, so it's a mixed bag of seeing myself tagged in photos and going ohgodI'mhuge and looking in the mirror and thinking "eh."  Makes it damn hard to commit to any particular plan. 

 

Toying with rejoining WeightWatchers. Not necessarily because I found maintain-able success so much as it would be one more layer of reinforcement to eat vegetables and lean proteins INSTEAD of junk. 

 

I desperately need an accountability partner. I live with my (75-year-old) mother -- and she is NOT on plan with any of this. She has a everything-holistic yoga teacher and will gladly believe every homeopathic idea thrown out there because her yoga teacher swears by it, without necessarily looking at the bigger picture: Said yoga gal is 10+ years younger, has been doing fitness-related things (dance, etc) ALL HER LIFE and is naturally an ectomorph. Mom and I are endomorphs who are not - and never really have been - inclined toward the active physical so much as mental. We are bookworms at heart.  I grew up on a low-fat-low-sodium diet because of my father's heart disease, so I'm still learning to process hunger cues based on unprocessed foods. It's slow.  Buying DoTerra oils and drinking hot water with lemon in the morning isn't going to fix that. 

 

I think, this weekend, I may try my pitch again to mom - ask her to help empty a lot of the pantry of crackers and snack-y things, not buy more - and point out just what a negative impact this extra weight is having on me. And if we don't commit to Whole30, we can at least try hard to use the Nerd Fitness levels 8+ meal plans and Whole30/paleo-ish templates for our meals wherever possible.  

[TokiDokiKitty]

Rejoined WeightWatchers. Even if I do wind up starving myself down to 155 (my elusive 'goal' weight), at least it will be something I can then maintain.  I miss fitting into kimono. I have so many that used to fit. And it's SO frustrating to sit across from a Tea teacher who doesn't comprehend the struggle of keeping weight off, because she has always been petite and lean (and is a Japanese size Small or Medium, so EVERYTHING off the rack fits her with room to spare).  Like, I have been struggling with this extra 25 pounds for over two years now, trying to find something that will work *and* keep my brainpan healthy in the approach. Lifting weights is satisfying, but I'm not getting any leaner from it. [I'm referring to the pre-meltdown era, here - before May of this year when everything went to hell in a handbasket.] I've been tracking my food intake - and aiming for under 1800 calories or lower - for over two years, consistently. I can tweak those numbers lower, but it's exhausting to go to bed hungry because I'm "done" for the day by 5pm. Which then leads to a binge, which leads to guilt and shame and all those nasty headspace issues, which leads to trying to enforce a deficit again, and the cycle continues. 

 

So. WeightWatchers.  The new version of the app has an instagram-like option for posting pics and it's a surprisingly supportive community. And unlike Facebook, I don't have to try and sift through a slow, buggy interface to get to the group I want - it's the ONLY option in the app. So that's nice. I'm going to try and use the Points system as-is for a while - previously I had to tinker and customize the daily allowance to try and line up with macros (based roughly on the WW Calculator) but the newest iteration of the Points system favors protein and veggies over most everything else. [Though my proats are 10 points. boo! That's a third of my day.] 

 

I packed hard boiled eggs, some broccoli/cauli florets to roast for lunch, and leftover chicken thighs for lunch. Also have a nuked sweet potato if I get a sweet tooth. 

 

Definitely angry at the world. Some asshole on the road this morning tried to do something stupid and his oversized tires left a long smooch down the side of my car... and I didn't even bother stopping. Car's old. Fistfight was too tempting. -.- Better to stay in the car and buff the black smudges off, later. (Car is also filthy and more grey than blue these days.) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Not sure why I keep this up. 

 

Depression is still an ugly beast made worse with stress. 

 

I did finally go and sit in the Head Honcho's office and unload on him everything that's been going wrong around here for the last few years, which had ramped up into full-blown bullshit meltdown material the last month or three. So.  I'm not sure if I'm going to get fired or finally receive the training I've been asking for (for 3 years now). It's a coin toss - the managers are nasty and will retaliate like nobody's business if they get a name to go on, but at this point, I figured it was cards-on-the-table time to give the new guy a heads up. He's not "from" their clique, and he's a former Marine, so his attitude is a complete 180 from the woman he replaced (who had all the puppet strings).  Worst case, I said my piece and will be unemployed in time for the holidays. Best case, some badly-needed cultural shifts will come about, finally. [Too late for some, sadly.]  He recommended I spend some time talking to one of the folks in HR, not because I need to make my case but because I admitted that the stress is getting to me, physically and mentally. (I barely function during the week and spend most free time on my weekends in bed. That is NOT healthy or normal. And that's an improvement over the last few months.)   So we'll see. I *am* going to bring up that I worry about retaliation (one manager was weirdly attentive and specific on Friday, as if she'd been eavesdropping on the conversation). 

 

It's a small comfort that because what's on my desk is ONLY on my desk right now, there's a margin of 'insurance' against being suddenly marched out the door. It's not a large margin (theoretically what I could be dumped on another coworker's desk), but it's there. 

 

Rejoined WeightWatchers. Again. Scale now shows 176~177 from 181. Hopefully the momentum will continue. If nothing else, it's a system to nudge me toward protein and veggies (example: 60g of protein shake vs a fun-size M&M - same Point value) which I definitely need. And right now, the prioritizing still goes Nutrition>Sleep>Stress>Exercise. Next semester will be lighter, I think - there are no Ceramics or Art classes that I can take (and can't re-take anything) so that leaves either Elementary Spanish or Interior Design. The latter only meets once a week, which would free up my evenings more, especially if I'm still at this job. April-July are the busiest months of the year. [And as nice as Spanish would be... it's 3+ hours twice a week, which is a long day when class gets out after 10pm.]  

 

I've also totally abandoned the chicken-at-lunch thing. I just can't seem to make myself eat it anymore. So I need to come up with new high-protein lunch options I can prep in advance. Drawing a blank other than possibly chili (which I already have several containers of in the freezer...). Torokeru stew per package directions is tasty, but the protein:fat:carb ratios are pretty out of whack for what is most often my main meal of the day.  I've got some sweet potatoes to roast or use in stew, but beyond that, feel like I'm drawing a complete blank.  [This is the nastiest part of depression - losing the creative cognitive functions on top of the functional willpower to do much more than the absolute minimum to get through any given day.] 

[TokiDokiKitty]

I'm fuckin' psychic in the worst possible way. One of the brokers is trying to figure out how to shift half of what's on my desk into a larger program... which would take it off my desk.  Since the other half of my day is a much quieter program... that doesn't leave me much of a workweek. I suppose I could go back into a program I worked on previously (lord knows they need the help) but then that utterly obliterates any vacation time from February to August. And I'm not really willing to do that. 

 

Whatever.  If I wind up unemployed it will give me some down time to take classes during the day, right?

[TokiDokiKitty]

So. Rebooting/respawning hasn't worked. Aiming for Level 10 has landed me somewhere around Level 3, with a fridge full of produce slowly going bad.  So now it's going to be more of a one-small-thing approach. 

 

I used print-a-calendar.com and made one for the rest of October and all of November; "up at 6:30" and "walk 30 minutes" on the weekdays (15 mins on my half-day Fridays because no lunch break) and "up at 9" on Sundays and "up at 7" on Saturdays.  Within that, I've also got 'Gym after work' on Tuesdays.  All of those items have room for a sticker or check mark or something twee next to them.  The up-at-6:30 I'm leaving blank as to purpose. I WANT to get my schedule slowly shifted to where I can gym before work consistently -- the last time I weighed below 160, that's what I was doing. (I was also starving myself on pre-SmartPoints Weight Watchers, but hey, there was a trackable system in place.) That and drinking almost a gallon of water a day.  But until I'm consistently waking up at 6:30am (and consistently going to bed earlier the night before!) it's a blank time slot for coloring, scrolling through Facebook, making jewelry, sitting in the dark listening to the dog snore, journaling, WHATEVER. "Me time," however I feel I need to spend it. 

 

If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll write in gym-after-work on Fridays in November, but that tends to depend heavily on how the week went, how I'm feeling, etc. While appropriating the "spoons" metaphor feels sometimes apt, I'm not actually invisibly ill. I have consistent knee pain and depression, yes, but those aren't what the spoons metaphor refers to (fibromyalgia, etc). And I get a Stern Look(tm) from my mom when I refer to my 'spoons' as 'fucks to give' -- "I don't have the fucks left to put in that basket - I used them all up getting through my work day".  I suppose a nerdy reference would be Hit Points / Health Points, but that seems to tie in more closely to physical ability than mental/emotional resources.   I'm open to suggestions.  

 

Other one-small-things I'm doing:

• trying (hard) to get veggies in with lunch AND dinner, even if it's a pile of carrot sticks. [Today it was seasoned carrot and burdock from the local Japanese market...]  I'm so bad about veggies. So. Bad. They just don't appeal to me 80% of the time, regardless of preparation style. *sigh*  
• drinking 48+ ounces of water or tea a day. (and in the interest of taking success where I can get it, this does include the added 8 oz of water I add to my morning cup of coffee after it's brewed. [I drink watery coffee. I'm okay with this. It's as much ritual as caffeination, most days.]
• checking the scale first thing every morning. It seems counter-productive, but it gives me an added moment of reflection - what I'm doing is or is not working, what I ate did or did not keep me on track, etc.  So far, I'm consistently seeing a decrease in the numbers. [When I manage to rebuild my gym/lifting routines, clearly this will no longer be on my one-small-thing list and go back to a check-every-two-weeks sort of deal, but for now, it's a measurable marker.] Scale was at 176.0 this morning. Compared to 178.4 last Friday and 181 the Friday before, I'm making progress! 
• swapping my second cup of coffee for the day with tea. It's easier on my stomach and gives me a moment of quiet to prepare it (spoon tea into strainer, get hot water from the kitchen, tend the cup while it steeps, etc). 
• getting back into 750words.com.  I need the freewriting time, and with some Kindle Unlimited journaling prompts, I'll get more use out of it, even if I don't necessarily hit the 750 word mark. 
• playing Japanese shows, music, etc whenever I can - the immersion seems to be helping me pick up the language again since I'm getting so rusty. [Later I'll see what I can do with German... I've nearly forgotten all of that one.] 

I meet with the Head Honcho again tomorrow for a check-in and while I feel better having unloaded, I don't feel any less uneasy. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Learning curve: I either need less-than-six or more-than-eight hours of sleep.  Went to bed later than planned, got about five and a half hours. Woke up - like, actually WOKE UP - with my alarms [though I suspect one app is cancelling out the other] and got moving for my personal training with minimal grog. Lying in bed is what gets me back to sleep again. So I need to actually get UP when the alarm goes off and get out of bed - and out of my room - so I'm not tempted to snooze. 

 

Also, barbell deads for reps capped at about 150 before my knees and joints didn't want to keep up and my back kept rounding. I suppose I could have gone higher with a belt, but it's been so long there's no reason to rush back to 1RMs of 190+.  Better to do 5x5 at working weights and leave it at that for now.  And I wasn't going to re-up with my PT but without someone at an appointment I need to keep, I tend to skip it. So I'm going to treat my Tuesday-after-work appointment as if someone is waiting for me and see if I can't break that self-defeating habit. And re-up for PT in November, when there's "room" on my credit card [I mean, there's room in the sense that the limit is high, but the balance is consistently higher than it should be lately so I need to pay that down before adding to it again...].  And maybe for my birthday Mom will give me some $ toward them? I can't think of any presents/stuff that I actually need or want that I can't bargain shop for, myself. So... $ towards personal training or overdue car maintenance are really on my wishlist, more than anything.  [Is this what it's like to be an adult...?] 

 

Check-in with the head honcho was good. We just chatted, he asked if I'm willing to share my notes - I hesitated, because there are enough specifics that really? the managers WILL find ways to retaliate. So I may edit my typed notes/agenda down to more general remarks and ask him to share *that* version. The one that doesn't leave a clear trail of breadcrumbs back to me. x.x  But he does want to shake things up (in a good way) and address the current concerns and issues with staff management so that things can change going forward. And because he's coming into this department/operation side fresh, he doesn't have the baggage that the previous ops manager did, and it's refreshing as hell to talk to someone who doesn't dismiss every concern or try to have the 'last word' by nasty comebacks and 'well you're >this< so you have no room to talk!' sort of childish bullshit. 

 

Today's plan is to a) clean out the work fridge of STUFF that's accumulated in "my" drawer and b.) hammer out a plan for meal prep on Sunday. It's hard to want to eat healthy when nothing looks appealing or there's a collection of old condiments.  I'm also tempted to thaw some chicken breasts and bake them in a mushroom soup/cream of mushroom soup, because they'd be less dry and bland that way. We'll see. [Half-tempted to buy a Foreman grill if I can find it cheap and keep it in a cabinet at work. But the kitchen has no ventilation system, so any mishaps or smoke would just go into the office or out to the hallway. Hm...] 

 

I feel better about having a plan right now, even if it's only half-formed. It's something. The meds increase is helping, I'm getting back to the gym, I'm taking a harder look at my schedule and prioritizing things, and while I feel bad for ditching some minor obligations (Japanese conversation group last night), I also needed the quiet evening in. I do need to send an email to the group and tell them my schedule is changing and that I'll only be attending sporadically from now on, but that can wait until later. I've already used up a lot of mental and emotional resources today on other, more stressful 'uncomfortable' conversations. 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Day one of the "official" M-F one-small-thing challenges I've set for myself. Earned my sticker for up-by-6:30 by getting up at 6. (And it was raining! Yay!) Sat with coffee and scrolled through the NF women's Facebook group for a bit. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll get up and find a little more motivation to do something (crafting, coloring, etc) than just computer stuff, but hey, I'm UP. 

 

Next sticker to earn is walking at lunch - I'm already doing it, but I need to do it for 30 full minutes. With a stop at the 'Bux, that's still about a 40-45 minute lunch. Totally do-able, even on days I can't make up time after 5:30 because of class.  And the more I mull over it, the more I know I need to email the Japanese Thursday group and let them know my schedule won't always accommodate attending. Saturday AM class is one thing, but the Thursday evening group is from 7:30 to 9+ pm - which means not only can I not fit much of a workout in, I'm not going to get home and in bed until 10. If I'm trying to consistently get up early, this is not a recipe for success. :/   

 

Sticker #3 will be 56 oz of water. That's 7 cups. I can do that. My Yeti knockoff holds 30 oz - I drain that twice and I'm golden. So. 

 

Here's to stickers!

 

Passion Planner has been filled out, and now lives in my purse. (With my sticker sheets in the back for full earning potential.)  So.

 

I also spent 4 hours on my feet yesterday shopping, chopping veg, and doing meal prep. I now have beef stew for 2 weeks, all measured out evenly in to 8 servings. (Fridays I don't always have a lunch shift, Wednesdays are sometimes food truck days and if there's something that sounds tasty and not a total calorie bomb, I tend to go for it.) The stew is 6 WW points, about 300 calories per serving (30/30/30% P/F/Carb breakdown, more or less) and I packed baby carrots in baggies to grab and crunch on.  Also, if I get up early, consistently, that's time to cook a proper breakfast. [I have diced up sweet potato in the freezer that would make a great hash to have with eggs. Hm...]  

 

So. Operation: One-Small-Thing  is a go! 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Operation: One-Small-Thing - Day two - I was awake at 6:30, technically, but it was ROUGH.  I got my lunchtime walk in, but the whole day has been a "blah" day. I feel primed for combat, but also incredibly "gray," mentally. Not sure if it's PMDD (Aunt Flo is has been in town for 3+ days now) or the new meds -- my increased dosage has moved into new pills instead of taking more of the previous (same manufacturer and generic, though) -- but I just want to FIGHT. I want to scream and throw punches and grab a baseball bat and go for the kneecaps. I also want to go onto the NF Ladies' Facebook page and whine about the above, but I suspect the herd is tired of hearing me whine. I do try and offer support to others, so it's not entirely a one-way thing, but... I dunno. I feel like my game is on Easy mode, but the controller is busted. So the things on the screen aren't HARD, but I still can't seem to navigate for crap.  [And this is when I know the depression is getting worse. It's not just the anger. It's the cerebral disconnect of knowing things shouldn't be difficult and the physical inability to DO much of anything.] 

 

Used my Audible credit this month on the Level Up Your Life book, but would really like a hard copy as well. I suppose I'll have to buy it separately. [I didn't think I'd like audio books, but lately it's the only way I get any reading done, playing them while I walk at lunchtime.] I want the printed page so i can scribble margins in the notes (or more likely, to photocopy out of and scribble on the copy). The "go to the site" mentions don't work as well when I've already got a Nerd Fitness Academy account set up.   On the other hand, it does help to hear examples of quests, what Level 50 can look like, etc. because I tend to need concrete base lines before springing off into potentials and unknowns - I tend to drill up instead of drill down. 

 

So if nothing else, my Alter Ego Galina Wolfsbane (Class: Samurai) is taking shape. Slowly. I may scrap the last name for something else. Level 50 is still a bit murky, but so many of my interests already line up with the Ranger class that adding some martial arts and a Japanese focus makes sense. [The name is not Japanese. I've had different iterations of Galina bouncing around my writing and in my head for 20 years, now, and she tends to be representative of a lot of values and skills I want to embrace. So.]  (Side note: Samurai in this case refers largely to the historical samurai - they were essentially the well-trained and cultured middle class of Edo Japan, in a nutshell. Calligraphy, swordsmanship, strength/dexterity, courage, social responsibility, etc.) 

 

Tonight is the gym. I think I may need to select a program and start with it, sort-of. Just doing my own thing doesn't get me much progress, but I also realize I'm respawning at many levels. One of them is physical abilities. So as badly as I want to bench 85x5, I need to get back up to 60x5 first. Same with squats, deads, and planks over 15 seconds -- I need to work back up to where I used to be, because the goalposts shifted. 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Did some navelgazing about some of the points made in Level Up Your Life, and jotted down the following:

Things that put me in a state of "flow":
- Cooking projects
- Research projects
- Creative writing
- Art projects 

 

Only one of those strikes me as something I could reasonably use in a job that aligns with the local economy, and I'd have to set up side hustles for the rest. Do-able. Heck, I already have an Etsy shop.  Cooking is great, but it's one of those things that stops being enjoyable when it becomes a job, so my Level 50 Galina has gone to culinary school but is not a chef or restaurant worker. [Though being trained as a chef and sommelier and then leading guided tours at interesting international locations? That would be pretty dang fab, and would encompass my research nerd and homebody travel-lover sides nicely. Publishing a cookbook could tie together the creative writing, art and culinary aspects in a side hustle that would earn royalties and residuals, assuming it did well. No one wants to know their hard work got remaindered, after all.] 

 

Got my gold stars for the gym last night, getting up by 6 and walking 30 minutes today (though we're rounding up on that 30 minute mark, because the autumn cool-down did not last through yesterday and it's HOT outside today. UGH.)  Folks at work liked my roasted veg, so that's a plus. [I used butter and olive oil, so...]  Ate too much sugar at the potluck and feel AWFUL because of it. It was not worth the bites. I should have taken one taste only of the desserts.  Old habits. x.x  

 

Ceramics class tonight. I didn't do the paper that's due (it required a trip to a museum nearly 2 hours away and that simply did not happen) - but the paper's only a small fraction of my overall grade, so I refuse to care. I'm behind on the other tasks due - some pieces were too wet to work with, some too dry. I still haven't glazed anything that should be glazed by now, let alone fired. So I'll probably have a C-at-best by the end of the semester unless something clicks soon. [I also need to stop by the bookstore at some point to get more clay because I'm completely out of usable stuff.]  On the other hand, as frustrating as the learning process is, I do enjoy the class. I'm tempted to maybe find out hours for the lab next semester and see if they'll let me go in my free time at all to work on projects. (Probably not, but it can't hurt to ASK.) The 3rd-semester course I want isn't being offered, and I really just need a ton of practice more than anything, especially before starting the 3rd-year class when it is next on offer. [There are 4 courses total, 4th is the sort of 'thesis' class with a semester-long project involved, etc. 3rd year is more complicated forms on the wheel and some more advanced glazing techniques, I think.] 

 

Mom has eye surgery tomorrow, so that's going to be a stressor, even if it is minor outpatient. We do have to be up-at-the-buttcrack-of-dawn to get to the place on time, though. So I'll definitely get my up-by-6 gold star. The walking one will remain to be seen, depending on if I can pace around the neighborhood like a fool or what. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Well, half a gold star for the up-by-6:30 goal today. I woke up with my alarm, but then comfortably dozed and listened to the rain outside, because it's such a rare treat and I had NO inclination to budge out of bed. So... half a star because I didn't get up or stay awake, but I also consciously made the decision to do so.  *shrug*  

Half a star for last Friday because while I didn't get 15 minutes of movement in, I was running errands all day and consistently DOING something, rather than sitting at my desk and then sitting on my duff when I got home (or taking a nap). 

 

Gold stars all the way for staying hydrated - thank goodness for hot tea weather and my Yeti tumbler. Between those two I'm consistently getting in 50-60 oz of non-coffee liquid in me every day. [And as that becomes a solid habit, I'll increase the numbers.] 

 

Scale hasn't budged, (it was up this morning after a restaurant dinner...) but Mom and I have eaten out (or take-out) much of the weekend since Thursday, since she's not up to much and neither am I. Even minor surgery can be stressful. I had the headaches from hell much of the weekend, and especially yesterday (shooting pain up the back of my head) - all the tension of the last few months is either reaching a breaking point or the muscles are finally un-clenching after four days away from work. Either way, PAIN. Lots and lots of pain. So I took the self-care route of minimal commitments and caught up on some shows I wanted to watch (Timeless, Lucifer...) and had a quiet day in other than my tea lesson.   So today is back to the planned/prepped meals (beef stew, carrot snacks) and walking at lunch [hope it doesn't rain too hard] and class tonight. Hopefully some of my pieces are out of the bisque kiln so I can see how they turned out. I want to play with more glazes and underglazes, but there's one teacher and three classes in the session, so it's hard to get her attention for more than two seconds to ask questions. :/ 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Yesterday was very much a FML kind of day. Flat tire Monday evening should have been a no-biggie, but the tires on my car were so worn the tire place wouldn't fix it. So I had to buy BRAND NEW tires Tuesday morning. $550 I didn't want to spend right now (especially after bargain shopping only to find that the price online is not honored at the store...). And then the car died in the parking lot at the repair place, so another $150 for a new battery. And since I was there, $30 oil change and $20 wiper blades... Yesterday was expensive as fuck. And it's all going to sit on my credit card until I can get that balance paid down. But this paycheck is for rent, so it will continue to just sit there until mid-November, which means I get to spend the rest of my non-class days at work staying late to earn the (unapproved) overtime in hopes to get back to net zero before the end of November.  [The IRS also wants money (even if they don't know it, but *I* know my tax return needs to be amended), car registration and smog is due, car insurance is due... and then there's the holidays.]   It's frustrating not because I don't have the steady income to tackle these issues so much as the fact I've spent the last 2 weeks mentally chewing on quests and tasks to get myself OUT of carrying a balance on the credit card (by spacing all that necessary car maintenance out)... and that just got blown out of the water and set back at least two months.  As someone who NEEDS plans, this is extremely frustrating.  (I did take some $ out of savings and put it on the card immediately, but the balance is still far too high for my liking. And since it didn't get that high overnight, it's not going to vanish overnight, either, no matter how much I wish that were the case.) 

 

On the bright side: 

- the car rides much nicer now - no more bumpy lumpy experience on old tires (and a fresh oil change and new wipers, so the forecasted rain will be much easier to handle)

- I bought tires at the same place last time and still have the lifetime alignment membership. So every 4-6 months I can swing by and ask for the oil change and a tire alignment. 

- I did NOT order myself a large pizza last night and eat it in one sitting, or any other comfort food I could find on DoorDash, no matter how tempting. (Stacked is down the street...) 

- I took the afternoon off from work and allowed myself to sulk and nap in a blanket fort, then did bodyweight 1A (painful as fuark on my knees/wrists) since it was too late to go for a C25K respawn [no one home means that while the neighborhood isn't dangerous, no one will know I've been gone for too long, etc. and the local drivers are terrible.] 

- I ate modestly at dinner (salmon, baked in the oven with some seasoning and drizzle of olive oil) and allowed myself one glass of wine. Dessert was a sweetened decaf tea.

- The scale is finally budging again, creeping downward once more.

 

Today is a back-on-track day:

- Packed lunch  (Stew, carrots, protein chips, protein drink)

- Scheduled a (much-needed) 40-minute massage; I'm tired of smelling like SalonPas or Tigerbalm to get my shoulders from aching  [and I will take the $ out of checking to pay for it so it doesn't add to the credit card balance] 

- Have class tonight and plan on attending - AND buying more clay from the bookstore because good grief, I am running low.

- I will walk 30 min at lunch and drink 56oz of water. I will try to walk around the parking lot this afternoon as well. 

- While I did not get UP at 6:30, I did make the conscious decision to lie in bed and be comfortable after my alarm went off. [Baby steps. I don't do mornings.] 

- Transferred my Life At Level 50 freewrite into a Word doc and cleaned it up. Next is to start assigning XP and breaking the sub-quests out, then copy it all into my journal with checkboxes and space for notes, etc. Still feel a bit like it's a forest-for-the-trees sort of chaos right now, simply because I'm still somewhere around level 2 and stuck grinding on the boring, small rat-killing tasks until I can make progress. Which is frustrating.