TokiDoki Kitty's Daily Log

[TokiDokiKitty]

So... mostly on track yesterday. Got a barely-30-minute walk in, and had an extra bag of chips I probably shouldn't have. Had more of my hydration goal in tea than usual, but at least it was something. My shoulders feel looser but 'crunchy' today after the massage lady broke up all the fascia and hard knots that had accumulated. I still pop and crackle when I move, but the range of motion is greater than before, so there's that. 

 

And then I opted for some comfort food (and a shot of caramel SoCo in decaf coffee) when the Check Engine light came on and the cruise control wouldn't stop slowly blinking at me... as if I weren't frustrated ENOUGH by my car this week!  (Admittedly, beef and potato croquette from the Japanese market isn't to the same scale as a bowl of mac and cheese, but... I was done eating for the day, otherwise. So it was a stress-eating rather than hunger-sating decision.)  Got home, popped the hood and tightened every lid and knob I could, checked the oil level, etc. This morning, no check engine light, no blinking cruise control. Go figure.  Bumped the appointment I'd made at 11 today to Saturday at noon, because I still want to know WTF is going on and I don't have time to take Auto Shop *and* Ceramics after work. [Though learning stick shift is going on my quest list, because why not?] 

 

Spent more than I should have at the Japanese market last night, but since the person who noted the lack of tea bags in the kitchen tea stash is someone I don't necessarily want to leave in the cold at the office (maintenance guy, not part of the toxic chaos within the office), I picked up more. And also picked up some just-add-hot-water Japanese soups that are amazeballs comfort food that clocks in at under 100 calories per packet, usually. And a kabocha and some satsuimo because it's that season and Japanese autumn foods warm my black little heart like nothing else. [There was a matcha popcorn snack bag on sale that also came to work with me, because I'm curious to try it.] 

 

Woke up with my alarm at 6:30, and laid in bed playing a game on my phone. At least I was awake. Baby steps toward being up and moving. [I've scaled that one-small-thing back to aiming for two weeks M-F consistently, then 1 month M-F consistently, then DAILY for a month consistently.]  PTO for my birthday is approved (I barely have enough...) so I fully intend to do something for that. No idea what, but something. (Really wish Disneyland still offered the get-in-free-on-your-birthday option, because it's a blackout day on my pass. Stupid pseudo-holiday.) 

 

At least Pokemon Go shifted the walking distance per candy on the Magikarp. It's now 0.25km instead of 1k, so I'm earning candy MUCH faster sitting in traffic in the morning [hey, if I'm going to roll-stop-roll-stop for 30 minutes, I'm going to leave the app running]. And no matter how much I want to save money, I'm really tempted to throw some $ at pokecoins again and buy more egg incubators, if only to hatch the pile of 2k eggs I have in my inventory right now. i can do that in one lunch walk if I hoof it. 

 

Work's webnanny software settings changed - Habitica.org is blocked now. Dammit. I forget to use the phone interface. Bleh. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, Sunday night was fun - went to the Hollywood Bowl for a Nightmare Before Christmas concert/showing. Got home late and went to bed at 12:30am. 

 

So... definitely did not get up by 6:30 - no gold star for me yesterday. (Overslept, actually, and Mom had to wake me up.) 

Splitting headache sent me to bed early (and I spaced on getting my dipped pieces to the firing shelf at class... bleh) and while I woke up pain-free at 6:30, I didn't budge. So. Half a gold star? 

 

NSV: I resisted the Halloween candy everywhere. Had two half-portions of the Fun Size bags; one of Skittles (half the bag was that awful green apple flavor, those went in the trash) and half of a "Reese's snack mix" (also not a fan of the crunchy things so ate the peanuts and mini cups in it) and ignored the work-provided pizza lunch to eat the food I'd packed instead. 

NSV: My "super skinny" jeans today are too big at the waist and hips (I carry my weight in the hips/thighs) and I have to keep tugging them up.  

NSV: I'm slowly getting back up to my 1RM on deadlifts. 20-ish pounds away, now (with a belt). Knees have been iffy. Tonight, I'll try and do squats, I think. I need to see how far I've back-slid on those, too. :[  I did sign up for the rings/handstands superpack (despite not having the $$) because being able to do bodyweight everything is an item on my epic quest. 

SV: The scale has been in the 175s for several days, now.

 

It's finally boot weather - I can dig out my ankle boots and cozy socks! Yay!! 

[TokiDokiKitty]

More shouting into the void today, I suppose. [Does anyone even read this?]

 

Wearing heeled boots after months of flats has made my feet unhappy. Back to flats today. (UGH!!) 

 

Scale is down again, yay!  it's good to see it shifting, slowly. My goal is to be sub-165 before I focus on putting muscle back on (which means a calorie increase and thus, the scale will go back up again, slowly) so i've got 10+ pounds to go. Baby steps... 

 

Birthday is next Friday. Not sure I care. I'm in a weird headspace - I'll be glad to be not-33 (bad luck number in Japanese numerology and apparently coming true lately) but I also don't feel like I'm 30. My brain flip-flops between feeling like a 20-something and 50-something.  I suspect hoping the universe will give me an all-blue political win for my birthday is a bit much, but it would be nice. [Election years always ruin my birthday week.]

 

Did some navelgazing over at 750words.com and tried to make a list of "successes" for today. It's disappointingly short. 

 

I didn't get to the gym last night - I went home and sat in the dark after a day of too many unpleasant noises, and then went to bed by 9-ish.  Slept in this morning despite my alarm's best efforts, too. So the morning routine won't win any gold stars. I got a walk in yesterday and will get one in today, hopefully. Class tonight - we'll see if the pieces I totally forgot to put on the firing shelf are somewhere. 

 

And as nice as it is to have jeans that are getting too big at the hips and waist, I really don't want to buy more. Oh well, at least I'll be able to pare down my overflowing denim drawer soon enough (though there is at least one pair I really wish I could replace, because they're stupid soft and used to fit perfectly at a larger size).  Oh well. KonMari time - if they don't fit and make me feel fabulous, into the donate pile they go.  [On the bright side, the nice pants for work will fit again, soon - they were a smidge too small before, and not being sturdy denim, that was NOT a flattering look at all.] 

 

Kimono lesson this Friday, starting with Yukata and hanhaba obi -- hopefully, by the time I've worked up to komon and muji, I'll be lean enough to wear my nicer things. I miss fitting into those. ;_; But until I lose another 4-5" around the hips and thighs, those are a definite not-happening. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Kimono lesson #1 showed me just how much I need to learn. Oof. On the bright side, the teacher is VERY nice and very informative and patient, and it's all great info. But I have a long way to go and after 14 years of collecting kimono slowly, apparently an incomplete collection of necessary underpinnings and accessories. So. Gotta spend more money. ;_; 

 

And looking at my schedule, I forget how FULL it is - work 8-5:30 M-F; Evening class M/W from 6-9, gym after work Tuesday and either Thu or Fri, Japanese conversation group on the Thursdays I'm not gym-ing, kimono lessons on the Friday afternoons I have a half day (and thus, gym on Thursdays), kimono and Tea lessons on Saturday afternoons, Japanese language class on Saturday mornings... which leaves Sunday for non-Saturday Tea lessons and meal prep. And anything and everything else I didn't get to between 8am and 10pm Mon-Fri. This doesn't include any other responsibilities (Etsy shop-that-isn't-selling-much, household chores, Tea senpai duties, etc.)...   And then I wonder why I have so many unattainable goals and wouldn't-it-be-nice-ifs.... because I never have time to get them done. And when I do find free time, I'm usually too dang tired to DO anything. 

 

Oof.   At least the school semester is over mid-December and doesn't start back up until the end of January. That will clear out two evenings a week, and if I can keep working on the get-up-earlier habits and quell the Sloth Demon thoroughly, the gym nights will become gym mornings in the before-work hours. (And not sitting in morning traffic because I'm out of the house by 6 am would be VERY nice.)  So. Right now, 7am is the challenge. Then it will be 6:45, then 6:30, then 6:15, one week at a time to try and get the morning habit established. At least I can handle the bedtime pretty well... lord knows I love to sleep. >_>  

 

Scale is up a bit - 174 - but I've had a lot of salty food over the weekend and a bit more sugar than usual yesterday (and sugar ALWAYS makes me bloat up).  Joints are painful, too - I finally pulled my copper compression sleeve out and have it on my elbow right now, because that occasional pain was becoming regular discomfort. It's helping, some - if nothing else, it keeps the joint stable.  Tempted to add one for the other arm and knee sleeves to my shopping list and/or loot list. 

 

Car should be fixed now - I raised absolute hell on Friday after it stalled on the way to work and then the check engine light came on and cruise control crapped out that afternoon. (I also wrote a stern email to the regional manager pointing out that if I have to take it to my usual mechanic, they're reimbursing me for every penny.) He never got back to me (and he kept talking over me and down to me when I was on the phone with him before so I have NO interest in interacting with him again) but the guy in charge of the place that worked on the car promised to make things right, and has so far.  So there's that. 

 

Money is frustrating right now - it seems like I'm digging holes in the sand when I try to pay the credit card down, because inevitably, a recurring charge pushes the balance right back UP again (gym membership, etc) and while I know this is a short-term (under 3-4 months?) frustration, it's still there, nagging at me. [Not to mention every annual bill comes due between November and December - car registration, car insurance, etc.]  I feel like I'll do really well, and then screw up the next day, self-recriminate for days, then screw up again... Unsubscribing from a TON of email lists from assorted stores/vendors/products has helped, but with my birthday on Friday, that "go ahead and treat yourself" mentality is sneaking up on me. And it's not a treat if it's just debt later. UGH. So I'm sifting through Amazon and adding-to-cart and saving-for-later a pile of things that are both useful (car organization) and needful (jewelry display for upcoming craft fair) and don't go above the $50 or so mark. And maybe, if I still want/need those items by Thursday, I'll order them. Maybe.  But even then, I look at my long-term financial goals and they just seem like complete fantasy: ...own a home in Southern California - hah!  ...travel to Japan and not use the cheapest methods - hah! ... buy a new car in another 5 years that's hybrid (or electric, if the kinks/range anxiety are worked out by then)... hah!   It's all just ridiculous. I make damn good money.... if I lived in another state. In California, it's barely enough to pay my mom rent and cover other expenses. And I suppose I could start paring back EVERYTHING but that includes the things that I do for fun: classes at the local community college, gym membership, etc.  And if I cut that out, I'll shop to fill the void. I've done that before, and I know it will happen again. It's too damn easy for me to fall into the "potential" of buying things - if I spend $$$ on jewelry supplies, I'll be able to make tons of neat stuff... if I ever get around to it. (I have tubs of supplies, I haven't even finished unpacking my LAST order from Fire Mountain, and let's not get started on the mountains of fabric that have been in my room since I took an entry-level sewing course in 2007.)    I need to just win the damn lotto, already. >_< 

 

Politics -- just. I can't. Mom was watching Hillary's Philly speech last night and I had to close the doors to her room. I am so, so scared that Trump is going to win, because I have NO faith in this country anymore. None. I hate the whole institution and how broken and hateful it has become. (I voted by mail, and the world is still a shitty place, so I'm done. I can't take any more.) And Mom grew up in a very politically-active family (grandpa was on the local city councils and boards, etc, and mingled with the local government folks; discussions were all about how a decision at the political level would play out at all other levels, civic responsibility, etc.) -- and all she wants to do is keep discussing politics.  But she keeps trying to discuss it from a place of old-guard white privilege, where it's up to the whites to "help" the minorities, etc and it's just... it's EXHAUSTING, to have to point out that no, our job isn't to 'help' them, it's to STOP KILLING THEM by participating in social, economic, political, etc structures that maintain that status quo. (And the number of times I've had to point out her ingrained racism... I mean, she grew up on a rural farm and in a time that saw the local Native Americans as higher than even the black people... so there's baggage there.)   That trans people are fully people and not confused or going through a phase or...  yeah. And she means well, and she's willing to learn, but I'm so out of my depth already on topics that I only know by reading other non-cisgender/white's firsthand accounts and comments and it took me fucking YEARS to get her to at least admit-under-pressure that a) she's not getting grandkids out of me and b.) yes, I am bisexual regardless of my lack of experience with women and c) despite using the 'bi' label, I'm actually somewhat nonbinary (dresses are nice, I have a cisgender female body, but I don't especially CARE) demi-ace bi-romantic and that's too damn many words to try and explain without her trying to shoehorn everything back into a gender binary.  So.   Done. 

 

So... here's hoping I don't just go off the deep end and binge, because that's all I REALLY want to do right now. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Had a drink last night (sort of - if it's not sake, it's likely I won't have more than a light pour in a mixer) with Tennessee Honey in a decaf coffee. Double serving of chili (comfort food).  Did not go to the gym (too many TVs), but defeated General DOMS at my desk earlier in the afternoon. 

 

Today, breakfast was candy.  I am hurt and disappointed and angry and so very, very scared for the future of this country, because even if the office of the President itself does not have a great deal of power, the election of Trump gives all the hateful bigoted people the validation they craved to be hateful bigots in the open. And many - if not most - of my friends/family do not fit the straight/white/Christian mold.  Frankly, I really hope the backlash against this election is huge and rapid and effective. 

 

I ordered myself a pair of rings for my birthday, crippling debt be damned. I need to do something for myself right now that establishes/furthers my health goals. 

 

And the rest of the day, I will endeavor NOT to eat my feelings and ditch class in favor of alcoholism.

[TokiDokiKitty]

Made it to class, had a more successful throwing session using a YouTube tutorial instead of the teacher's explanation. Hopefully, those two plates will trim better as well. I did get some other pieces ready for bisque firing, so we'll see how those turn out. (Fingers crossed!!) 

 

 

Yesterday was largely a self-care day. Taking time to grieve for this country, acknowledge the hurt and fear and anger, and try NOT to eat my feelings. Or at least, not over-eat them. Dinner was a Starbucks sandwich and skinny (decaf) latte, because it just sounded good. [Dinner is normally skipped or a plain sammich if I'm really hangry on class nights.] 

 

Gymnastic rings are due tomorrow. I did NOT get up early today - too many weird half-waking dreams that alternated between working on the pottery wheel and fighting all sorts of vague enemies - so the up-early can wait until another day. I'm still groggy and achey today - knees are really starting to hurt again - so depending on how HOT it is, I'm going to work out in the garage and see what I can accomplish there. 

 

I plan on going to Japanese conversation tonight - it's been a month since I've gone and I need the practice and social exercise. And it's only two-ish hours. 

 

I have lunch food packed that will keep me on target and still allow for a sandwich or extra snack tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that things turn out much, much better than everyone fears. [Maybe Trump can make a speech denouncing hate? And the hateful people will listen to him...? Maybe....? ] 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, I'm still in mourning for this country.  I don't know how else to say it. I have cishet white privilege, so I can only attempt to comprehend the fear my friends are feeling, and while I consider myself an ally, I know that doesn't go far. (And the safety pin idea was great while it lasted... white people SUCK. Seriously.)  So. I grieve for a country that is now openly hateful, and an election that has a body count.  No democratic election should have a BODY COUNT.  

 

I haven't been to the gym, but I got a lot of walking in at Disney and movement over the weekend. My new gym rings arrived, so I tinkered with those in the garage for a bit. Shoulder pain ahoy! Self-inflicted tension headache for the next 2 days. Not my best plan. Time to scale that back a bit before attempting straight-arm holds with most of my weight off the ground (balancing on the very tips of my toes as much for stability as weight assistance).  But they feel solid, and I feel more solid using them than the suspension trainer (the pull-up bar creaks suspiciously when I pull at an angle... I may need to buy a single-point mount and pay the neighbor with the power tools to install it above the bar. 

 

Did NOT eat on plan - and I think much of my body aches are the sudden spike in sugar intake, because my joints were sore from top to bottom all weekend, too. (I doubt that's the only culprit, between stressors, heat, etc.).  Meal prep last night gives me more beef stew. Not paleo or 'clean' eating with the roux mix, BUT it's satisfying and I don't get tired of it like I do my other proteins. And I've lost weight with it - a serving of stew, a hard boiled egg or two, some veggies to crunch on... it's a satisfying late lunch that keeps me going until late. So.  Lunches are prepared, car is packed for the gym, and I'm slooowly getting back on track again. I hate how easy it is for me to let my progress derail. 

 

I also bumped my 'goal' time for awake in the morning to 6:45 from 7am.  I was awake today, but didn't budge for an hour. So... not much of a gold star, but I wasn't exactly asleep, either? I dunno. I need to really buckle down on getting my mornings in gear, because I have so many other things going on in the evenings after work. Baby steps, though - I can do the all-at-once-up-by-5:30 maybe a day or two in a row, and then I crash, hard. So I need to work on getting into bed - and falling asleep! - by 10, and up by 6-something, then up by early 6-something, then in bed by 9:30-9:45 and up by 5-something, consistently. 

 

Baby steps... 

 

 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Skipped the gym again.  I know I shouldn't do that, but a building full of strangers defeated my preference for the barbell. 

 

Low point. I doubled down on my blue pills today (the get-up-and-go ones) because feeling sluggish and crap isn't helping with anything. 

 

Minor "successes" - in the vein of making a "done!" list instead of a to-do list: 

• I set up my ipod in the car for more music choices [now that I have a smart phone, the iPod touch really is only for audio things, instead of everything-but-the-phone/text stuff it used to be] and deleted most of the games off of it. My music/audio collection is still vastly larger than the device has storage for, but I can curate some playlists and work on that one. [I need to make a holiday play list one of these weekends for the upcoming not-really-Christmas-y season we get here in SoCal.]  
• I wrote a thank-you to the coworkers who made my return from my birthday weekend so special. I know I've been a distant, shut-down wreck, and that's entirely on me, so I wanted to let them know I'm grateful for them, even if I'm crap at showing it lately. 
• Reduced my to-do list for the workday to, essentially, one project and several smaller follow-ups. Hopefully, that will offset the executive dysfunction I'm facing the last two weeks, because I am embarrassed to admit I have spent more time at my desk staring blankly at the to-do list than actually DOING anything. 
• Packed my on-plan lunch. There are food trucks scheduled for the next door lot today, but unless they have something that's a double serving of veggies, I'll stick to my planned lunch. 
• I have three things on my to-do list for the entire day: 1.) try not to eat junk 2.) leave work on time and 3.) don't ditch class.   That's it.  [If I'm feeling especially ambitious, there are a few household tasks I need to tackle when I get home.] 
• ... something something.... profit??? 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Sugar overload this week = bloated and up a pound-plus from last week's weigh-in.   I get it. 

 

Sick headache this morning from sinus pressure; couldn't keep anything down right after taking meds, so I have a second round in my pocket for when my stomach settles. 

 

Day three of doubling my blue pills - the get-up-and-go ones - and I'm finally creeping back up to normal. I took a shower last night for the first time since Sunday... Sometimes, self-care is doing the 'hard' thing of making adult choices, like hygiene.  Not that plugging my ipod in to the car to listen to songs that make me happy *isn't* a form of self-care, but it's not as useful.   I still need to do laundry. I'm down to 3 pair of clean underwear. [Given that my drawer has enough in it to last nearly 2 months, that should tell you how long it's been...] It feels good to be clean, though, even if though I'm still exhausted from this morning's (and last night's) headache. Hopefully, I can get back to a more productive baseline and get to the gym again. It's been 2 weeks, now. I miss weightlifting, but when I'm exhausted or overstimulated by the end of the day (and frankly, the idea of showering after - either at the gym or at home - is too damn much effort) it's really freakin' hard to make myself go.  I do keep a gym bag in my car, and my bluetooth headphones charged, at least, so I can go whenever I do scrounge up the giveadamn.  

 

I've been bad about my resolution Not To Spend Money - reloaded my Starbucks card three times this week. (Admittedly, once was to buy an overpriced mug that reminded me of my dad, but still...)  Bought useful items on Amazon that were probably not necessary (power adapter for the water feature birthday gift at my desk, ring display for upcoming craft fair, hair styling kits now that I can manage a half-assed ponytail, "Flavor God" pumpkin pie flavoring for protein smoothies) but felt useful.  Still waiting on a reply for my order from Japan on actually-useful things for my kimono lessons and learning process. That will be paid for mostly with promised birthday money from Mom, at least. 

 

I did wake up with my alarm (a little before, really) so I'm getting a gold star on that spot, at least. I kinda did yesterday but had NO inclination to move, so... half a gold star, there.  The weather's finally cooling off enough that snuggling under blankets is a pleasure choice rather than a executive dysfunction.  It's nice to actually feel AWAKE when the alarm goes off, though, instead of groggy and awful. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Haven't updated lately, but no one else reads this anyway. So. 

 

Scale is still creeping down, slowly - obviously not after Thanksgiving and yesterday's salty Japanese/pizza meals, BUT overall, down. I'm now 2 pounds from Goal 1 of 170 and 10 pounds from Goal 2 of 160.  Seeing as how I still have not gotten back into the gym, the scale is really the only metric I can use consistently for now. 

 

Spent a stupid amount of money between Friday and this morning. Also made a crapton of jewelry for the craft fair this Wednesday. (And if none of it sells because I won't undercut my own pricing any further, I'm going to be pissed. This building is full of women with too much damn time and money on their hands and if they'll pay $50 for Cookie Lee's overpriced junk, they can't bitch that my items [made with the same quality of materials] are $5.)   Anyway. 

 

Still hate my job, but it's also business-as-usual at this point, so... I guess I stick with it until I've built up more marketable skills to go elsewhere for better money. 

 

And other than my stupid spending spree (at least Christmas is 80% handled for Mom?) I've been better about stopping and asking myself if I REALLY need something, or will whatever I'm looking at be actually USEFUL.  It has definitely helped a lot in cutting back on my impulse buying. Right now, i'm still guilty of beauty products - MisshaUS doesn't break me out so I'm more than willing to plunk down money with them - and comfort items like the 30-oz Yeti knockoffs that keep my tea warm or water cold.  

 

Baby steps, amirite?  Anyway.  Once class ends for the semester, I'll be able to focus more time/energy on getting items listed in Etsy (they're made, but photographing and listing takes for-flippin'-ever) and doubling down on marketing my stuff. It's good stuff! I just don't have much of an audience, yet. Bleh.  (hint hint hint if you like what you see, share the link, please?) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Today's edition of shouting into the void: 

 

Scale is down - didn't think it would be after not only having a (huge) breakfast burrito yesterday a.m., but In'n'Out at lunch (free food! Protein style!) *and* two lattes over the course of the day, but apparently running around like a fool all damn day Wednesday and most of Tuesday afternoon told my body to process as fuel instead of fat. So yay for that. So now I'm within 2 pounds of my 170 goal. Which feels so much more doable than it did even at the beginning of the month.  [I'm also working sloooowly on getting better about foods as a whole - yes, I can have that bite of cake/cookie, but I don't need the WHOLE thing. I just want the taste, anyway. So. Small portions, small bites. The better I get a grasp on that NOW, the easier it will be to handle the Whole30 process next month, because I'll already be used to limiting some of my more questionable intakes. The coffee thing will be a p.i.t.a. -- I'll have to swap to green tea and HOPE I don't get a splitting headache for more than a day or two. Ugh.] 

 

Pre-ordered the Whole30 cookbook, because I intend to start that in Mid-January after all the winter shenanigans have died down. Also ordered a storage box for my at-work jewelry supplies and a handful of jewelry findings in a kit so I can offer fix-it options at work [in addition to quietly doing chain mail at my desk during webinars, etc].  Still haven't found my mojo, but I think I'm crawling out of the hole, slowly - today I got a handful of very overdue items off my desk and/or in motion, so... fingers crossed! 

 

I also ordered the Square card reader for cards/chips, as well as one of the 'free' magstripe-only readers; one will stay at my desk for in-person sales [and there will be a nominal fee for using plastic because unlike checks and cash, I get dinged for the transaction. SO. Call it a convenience fee if you will, but I'm tacking on 25 cents to any credit card sales because I've undercut myself enough already.]   Whenever Etsy lets me know their reader is available, I'll order one and swap to that since it links directly to my shop and in the long run, will give me better data points to work with. At some point, if business picks up, I'll order a cash box and assemble a simple "point of sale" kit I can bring with me wherever. 

 

Still haven't been to the gym. It's been a month, now. I want to go, I like lifting, but I can't stand crowds and lately, just getting through the work day is all the effort I can manage. So it's focusing on calorie intake (and to a lesser extent, quality - one battle at a time) and as my schedule calms down, I can reallocate some energy to other avenues. At least I walk most every day at lunch. 

 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So... my mojo at work is totally gone. Like, I spend hours staring blankly at the computer, can't get things done, GONE.  Don't know how much is seasonal slump, the depression kicking my ass, or my soul having finally withered away because of this place, but I haven't been able to manage the bare minimum lately.  (Thank god for no one bothering me with anything lately, so no one knows how off my game I am...) 

 

I enjoy ceramics, but I am SO looking forward to the fact that there are only 4 classes left. I'm just done. I'm tired and feeling utterly tapped out. 

 

Tea has been frustrating like crazy - my sensei has some quirks that are very off-putting and they have been in rare form lately. I honestly just want to take a leave - go on Tea hiatus for a month or two. (Especially with New Year's events being the big, fancy and expensive ones!) 

 

I assume the scale is still going down - it did last Friday but I haven't checked since. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Still overweight. 

 

Still depressed.

 

Still trying very hard to feel compassion toward myself for making it through each day, because I still don't WANT to admit that I'm fighting an uphill battle. 

 

So. Not much has changed. Still flat-on-my-ass broke because I didn't plan well

[TokiDokiKitty]

Still fighting the Depression Demon. (If it were a Boss Battle, it would be defeat-able. Instead, it's a nasty respawning monster that I can sometimes keep at bay and sometimes lose all my HP trying to fight.)  

 

Pema Chodron CD in the car is helping a little, but not much. 

 

Things that Went Right: 

A custom order on my Etsy shop, despite a bumpy start, went out in the mail today so it will hopefully arrive by Christmas.

I got a few more Christmas presents made. (See previous re: flat broke...) 

I have NOT drunk myself into a stupor after work the last few days like I really want to. (Moreso because of the hangover than anything else.) 

... that's all I've got. Still oversleeping, eating poorly, and really not making goal-oriented decisions. I still really, REALLY want to just take a week+ off of work and spend the time on getting my head on straight, but I don't have the PTO available. :/ 

 

Splitting headache today - not sure if the cause is eye strain, a budding cold/cooties [everyone else has been sick and I'm scarfing vitamin C like candy], tension, or something else. 

 

Frustrated with the world and myself, lately. 

[Mahalak]

On 6/7/2016 at 8:21 PM, TokiDokiKitty said:

So, joined NF Academy yesterday.

Hey, TokiDokiKitty, hope you are still fighting the good fight! 

Question: I'm thinking about joining the Nerd Fitness Academy. Have you found it to be helpful? Anything I should know in advance?
Thanks for any help you can offer.

[TokiDokiKitty]

I've found it helpful, and the private Facebook group is very supportive.   I like that the fitness and nutrition options are very approachable, and require little to no equipment unless you opt for workout plans that require it (e.g., bodyweight vs barbell workout paths).  I also like that it presents fitness and health goals as lifestyle choices - financial, mental, emotional, AND physical fitness are all addressed. Life at Level 50 means being well-rounded in as many areas as possible in order to achieve that level, based entirely on what direction you personally wish to go. 

 

[I personally haven't found much success lately, but that's entirely on me and does not reflect the program whatsoever. I've hit a low patch these days and have had trouble climbing back up.] 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So. Definitely need to work on a respawn again. (And again. And again...) 

 

I do know that some of my depression lately is not only the season but that underlying STRESS about the season as a whole. I didn't take my meds Friday-Monday and while being less productive, did not feel awful. (My sleep schedule went to crap, but that's what I get for not specifying decaf coffee on the after-dinner drinks.)  I think some of it was the no-pressure schedule (something going on each day but none of it urgent or overly draining) and some of it was my mom not pushing me to be "productive" with my free time (I'm not a rise-at-dawn farmgirl, I don't have a driving Puritan Work Ethic to feel guilty about sleeping in on weekends, and I am fully aware that capitalism is the reason we feel bad about being unproductive in our quiet moments.)  I did everything at my own pace, and while I didn't get a whole lot done, I'm okay with that. Laundry is going to be there whenever I do get around to it.  Same with organizing and packing up my kimono items. And finishing my Christmas present crafting. And Etsy listings. etc. 

 

I haven't looked at the scale in 2+ weeks - I don't really want to know.  I haven't been eating like a fool, but there has been decidedly more sweets, fats and rich foods than I normally consume, and after more than a few indulgences, I've felt the shift. (Up until I had a breakfast burrito today, I was fairly certain it would be a water fast until late afternoon. I went to bed mildly queasy after a third day in a row of too-rich food.)  On the other hand, all of my size 12 jeans are too big in the waist/hips, and people keep asking me if I've lost weight. I don't see it, but I've still been careful to walk every lunch break and track my food intake with relative accuracy (we're not counting the last 3 days of holidays - I'm writing in a big "2000" in the food diary's calorie count and moving on). So maybe I am leaning out, a little. 

 

Made a batch of chicken bone broth per the Whole 30 cookbook - it still needs skimming, but the slow cooker method worked pretty well. I haven't given it a taste test, but it made the house smell amazing. If it does taste good, it will be fabulous to have on hand for easy soup fixings in the month(s) ahead. I was going to respawn in early January and start the Whole 30, but there's so much in the way of lingering holiday plans and leftovers that it may make more sense to commit fully in late January when I have the house to myself for 2 weeks and thus only ONE person to worry about. 

 

I've also tried to clamp down more tightly on my spending habits, at least for forward-looking trends: reduced the Hulu options, will be cancelling Weight Watchers once the month is up, etc. Already cancelled several other memberships I don't use. (Fabletics is a grey area, because as long as I remember to skip, it doesn't cost, and I do like their tall inseam leggings, but holycrap, $50 is a lot if I miss my 'skip' window. And cancelling likely means I can't shop their site for anything with sale/bargain prices, and the full price on those things is NOT reflected in the quality. Old Navy has better quality control.)  I also took a hard look at my budget for the upcoming year and where recurring transactions were in relation to income, etc. If I don't impulse buy and shop-to-feel-better, I think I can get out of this financial hole rather quickly - a few months if I'm really careful. 

 

So.  Back to regular meds today, and while I didn't make any more reasonable food decisions, there's less sugar involved than yesterday and the day(s) prior. Baby steps back to normal.  

[TokiDokiKitty]

Well, the gift of a pound of See's candy (marzipan!!!) for Christmas has not done much to aid my nutrition plans. That said, it's also a once-a-year treat for me, and the traditional half-pound that Mom and I get each other (continuing my father's tradition) has remained unopened. That will be wrapped up tightly and tucked in the back of the freezer for later.  

So I'm back to weighing myself each morning, and I know the numbers are high(er) lately. This morning was 174.8, after a dinner out last night. But I'm averaging somewhere near 172, which is what I've been at for most of the month, I think. So at least I haven't gained significantly over the holidays. 

 

I managed to get up - and feel awake! - at 6 this morning, so that's awesome. There's a hefty dose of decision paralysis - which of my many underpants collection to do first?! - so I laid out a "Choose 2-3" page in my Level 50 journal with approximate times needed. That way, if I've got an hour, I can pick about 45-50 minutes' worth of activities. More time, longer/more activities. [Tomorrow a.m., if I can get up early again - mornings are still iffy - I'm going to do some meal prep. I have fantasies of packing a macro-friendly bento each day, someday...]  So while I haven't been super productive this particular morning, I do still have an hour before I have to hit the road (and of that, I'll need 20-ish minutes to shower/get ready, so...), which means I can tug on my workout clothes and go for a walk/jog for 30 minutes.  

 

ETA: Opted to finish off the last episode of a Japanese show (so I'm 'counting' this as language practice) and enjoy the fact I was awake and not-groggy [this is unusual and something to be treasured...].

 

But here's the page from my Level 50 notebook I drafted: 

[TokiDokiKitty]

D'ya ever want to just scream? 

 

Yeah. 

 

So I keep seeing YNAB recommended like whoa, and logged in to try it. It is NOT intuitive and exceedingly frustrating. Bleh.  If I can't figure it out - and make it WORK for me - I'm cancelling flat. [I already have my monthly budget broken out in a tidy little snapshot of a spreadsheet, assuming flat hours worked and no overtime, etc., but having something that's active/interactive sounds great... in theory.] 

 

But it sure drove home the point that I'm spending more than I'm making right now, and while a few items on that list are short-term (kimono lessons are a 4-month commitment), that's not much wiggle room. [That being said, a line item I'm not removing, which kicks the 'outgoing' grand total up, is the "savings" line - my paycheck auto-deposits part of what I make straight into savings and I'm TRYING not to touch it. Getting the credit card down is the higher priority, so I can climb out of - and stay out of - this hole I'm in, but... yeah.]  

 

... And I still hate my job.  I was hoping time off would make it better, but every time I receive an email, I just want to pound my head against my desk because holyshit, I work with some stupid people.  I do not want to be here, and every time I puzzle over where I DO want to be [that would involve getting paid], I come up with bupkiss.  (I don't want to have to work for a living, dammit. When the hell is America going to get its collective shit together and roll out UBI?) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Why is it that on the days I MOST intend to do better, I do worse than ever??? (I don't think the side salad undid the half a loaf of garlic cheese bread... Oof.)  Well, I guess I'd better walk even more tomorrow at lunch and try to fit in a workout somewhere. I should at least pretend I'm fueling a workout with those extra 1000 calories...

 

Also, Aunt Flo showed up. I hate that bitch. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Depression Demon is kicking my ass today.  I hate myself, I hate the world, etc. I just want to go home, go back to bed, and STAY THERE.  I'm tired, I'm on the edge of tears, and reading a VitalSmarts email asking about how depression has affected my work has reminded me just how far down I've gone this emotional shithole. Yay. /sarcasm.

 

Hopefully I can stay on track today and NOT emotionally eat. (Or if I do, at least take the time to go somewhere and get vegetables to shove in my face. The Mediterranean place around the corner is tasty.)  I've got a packed lunch, plus go-to cans in "my" pantry (I claimed a cabinet in the kitchen long ago), so turkey chili is always a viable comfort food, though there's no cheese on top. Womp-womp. 

 

Silver lining, the candy is gone. I ate it all last night. >_>   New challenge is that someone brought all their holiday unwanteds and left them in the kitchen here, so I have to stare at them every time I go to refill coffee/tea/water. AAARGH. /CharlieBrown

 

So the bricks for my castle today: walk at lunch, DON'T break down into a sniveling wreck, don't shovel crap food into my face in hopes it will fill the emptiness.  

 

Tomorrow, I need to check my avatar out of the inn on Habitica and get my ass back in gear. 

 

 

ETA:  Well, I did my 1-mile walk. (And *finally* hit level 28 in Pokemon.) Debated doing more but it didn't happen. I also tried to remember to stand for a few minutes this morning (I have a sit-stand desk, after all). Still haven't eaten, not because I'm not hungry so much as I just... don't want to? Last night's over-eating is now utter disinterest in food today. I mean, I can feel my stomach growling, I just don't care. If that even makes any sense.  I debated getting something comforting at Starbucks (those Snickerdoodle hot cocoas are EVIL. And DELICIOUS.) and opted for hot tea [with a splash of milk and s.f. vanilla]. Not the same but something warm, anyway.  I intend to go to the gym tonight - maybe I can stretch and deadlift this funk out of my system. It's been 2 months; even if it's 5 reps of 135 for an hour, it's something...  

[TokiDokiKitty]

Dreamt I was up and getting ready three times this morning... x.x  Finally for-realsies got out of bed at 7:15.  Baby steps.

 

Feel better after deadlifting away yesterday's awful mood. (Even didn't mind *most* of the commute to work, other than a few assholes, and traffic was light.)  And then I got to work [15 minutes early!] and yesterday's kerfuffle brought that good mood crashing back down. FML.  

 

So today's issue is going to be tackling the simmering resentment at having to work for a living. Fucking capitalism, man.  

 

Sorely, sorely tempted to claim 'illness' today and go home at lunch to enjoy the rainy weather and try to salve my emotional state.   At least I remembered to pack some bell peppers to have with lunch and there's leftover creamed chicken - to which I added a generous amount of frozen veg - to nuke for lunch. No bread today. Bread and I need to take a break from each other until our relationship improves, I think... 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Still trying to hammer out what, exactly, is making it SO GORRAM HARD to get up in the mornings. 

 

- Went to bed at 10 last night and used a guided meditation to fall asleep. 

- Took MSM/Glucosamine before bed (the magnesium content = sleepy)

- Had stupid-vivid REM that incorporated my morning meditation and I didn't really un-grog until 7. Huh. 

 

So. Out of bed at 7:15 today instead of the intended sub-7am.  

 

I packed my lunch (stew prepped yesterday; flavor is... meh. The garlic did not cook as much as I thought it would; I'm hoping letting it sit overnight in the fridge helped...) and have a fresh batch of h.b. eggs, so I've got some whole/unprocessed foods for lunches. I'm back to focusing on macros and tracking them - and hitting them! - with a calculation for a moderate cut.  Scale this morning was higher than yesterday, but dinner last night was sugary/salty (leftovers) so whatever. 

 

Rainy weather today - and we're back to the business casual dress code so I can't just shuffle outside in my jeans. Oh well. I still intend to walk at lunch, and I have an umbrella at my desk if needed.  

[TokiDokiKitty]

Also, a few ?s to jot down about the latest "unprocessed" mission in Rising Heroes: 

 

- Is it 2 discrete preparations, or is 2 "meals" from one preparation OK?  I mean, I cook for the week in a massive batch of minimally processed stuff, so...

 

- Does pre-packaged but otherwise unprocessed food count? (E.g., fruit cups, cheese/fruit box from Starbucks, etc)  The contents of the package are unprocessed, even if the delivery method is not.  

 

- Does cooking have to be involved? I mean, I can assemble a salad with fresh ingredients, lemon juice and olive oil. One of my lunchtime staples is a huge plate of baby carrots and bell pepper to crunch on. Ditto finding a nice cut of sashimi-grade tuna at the market. 

 

- Conversely, what if I do the processing? (Roasting garlic for use in compound butters or dressings/spreads, oven-drying something like fruit leather, etc.) 

 

- What constitutes a "meal" ? [I mean, I can make a dinner of nothing but hard boiled eggs, so...] 2 different dishes? A protein and veg? The fact that it's going to be breakfast/lunch/dinner ? 

[TokiDokiKitty]

...  Ok, so my homemade stew sounded great in my head and smelled pretty awesome cooking, but... I don't like it. ;_;  I think the garlic didn't cook enough and there's a funky bitter aftertaste to everything.  *flail* 

 

[And I have enough portioned out to last for three weeks!] 

 

Goddamnit.