TokiDoki Kitty's Daily Log

[TokiDokiKitty]

Huh. I'm finding that I have a lot more background "noise" in aches and pains than I let on. I've been nursing some Theraflu at my desk today after a rough start to the morning and feel miles better already, in a way I don't normally. o.O: 

 

It's a bit discouraging to realize how used to that background pain I am, that it's downright shocking when it goes away.  *sigh* 

 

[I can navelgaze for days about whether it's joints, depression symptoms, undiagnosed something-or-other... I'm not going to.] 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Holiday weekend = bad eating decisions. 

 

I mean, yesterday wasn't AWFUL. The entirety of my meals were drive-thru, but one was a turkey panini from the 'Bux and the other was a cheeseburger. (I did eat half of the small fries in the combo.)  And both of those were after 3pm, since I was running around like a fool since 8:30. So... Intermittent Fasting, maybe? Anyway. Crazy day (emergency vet, house alarm going off [false alarm, thank goodness], etc.) and then kimono and full-Japanese lecture on Noh in the evening. I think I caught about 60% of what was being said. Having a dictionary on my phone was super helpful. ^_^'' 

 

So I can tick off the box for "practiced my skill" in Rising Heroes and my Level 50 journal for last night, at least.  

 

Today is to try and get back on plan and hammer out a proper meal plan, rather than meal *ideas* that never quite happen. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Kinda tempted to start a second thread from the p.o.v. of "Galina" (my Epic Quest OC) using the Rising Heroes missions... 

 

EDIT: It's here: https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/94357-tokidoki-kitty-galina-rising-hero-log/ 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Yesterday wound up being a BAD mental health day. [And of course, my manager contacting me with concern turned me into a weepy mess. Freakin' razor's edge on the waterworks. Ugh.]

 

And if you've ever had to try and restart a computer by holding down the power button... I did that with sake. It didn't work. 

 

doubled my meds this morning, just feel queasy and exhausted.  Kimono lesson this afternoon. I might leave right at noon and just go home to sit for 30 minutes. 

 

Bought a breakfast burrito (black beans, eggs, avo, cheese, potato) from the cafe downstairs, which is over half my day's calories, but I also probably won't eat again until later tonight. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So. Called in sick on Monday, spent most of my time when not cooking back in bed. Still feel bleh, but not quite as bad as before. Even after averaging 14-16 hours total sleep in a given 24-hour period, none of it was especially *quality* rest. Weirdly vivid dreams,the usual struggle-fail-hopelessly-lost themes, etc. 

 

At least I have a lot of heat-and-eat food in the fridge, now... 

 

Hit snooze on the alarm starting at 5:30 this morning, finally dragged my carcass out of bed around 7-ish.  Still feel mentally foggy, but other than whining "Don't wanna!" there isn't much of a solid reason to call in again. I hate having to be a responsible adult, dammit. 

Have protein-enriched pasta for lunch with tuna-mayo sauce (Japanese pasta comfort food ftw), plus hard boiled eggs, red bell pepper, and protein drinks to snack on. And instant soup mix/miso soup mix, since it's still STUPID COLD outside, even if the rain (and hail!) let up yesterday.  I didn't get up and make eggs for breakfast -- or find the giveadamn to make heat-and-eat egg options, either -- and I'm tempted to get a breakfast burrito again because comfort food. [And really, other than the tortilla, not that bad for me.] 

Plan is to walk at lunch  Gym bag is packed but energy is crap; that may be a tomorrow thing.

[TokiDokiKitty]

Did *not* get breakfast burrito a third day in a row. 

 

Did have a slice of cheesecake (with fresh berries!) this afternoon at a coworker's birthday celebration. Was sorely tempted to have a second piece but more than that on sugar and my guts get really unhappy. 

 

Gym bag is packed. I walked at lunch, and fully intend to get a workout of SOME SORT in tonight, whether it's at the gym or at home with everything collecting dust in the garage. 

 

Also still need to figure out where to cram in 55 grams of protein since I've maxed out all my other macros. Dinner might wind up being a whey protein shake. ;_;  [And then miso soup with simmered shiitake because I have the fixings for it. And it's good, cold-weather stuff.] 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Sauteed Kale isn't half bad, once you cook the everloving crap out of it to get the woody stems soft.

 

1 bag (pre-washed, chopped) kale

4 slices bacon (I could have used 2)

Minced shallot

Minced garlic

1/4-1/3c white wine

Salt and pepper to taste

 

In a heavy, lidded pot, render the bacon down until crispy. (I love my enameled cast iron for this.)

Add the minced shallot and garlic; cook until the shallot is beginning to brown.

Add the kale and pack it down (my pot was smaller and needed the extra smush).  Cover and leave the heat on low for 5-10 mins. 

Check the kale - it should be smaller in volume. Add salt and pepper. Stir it about, then cover and saute again for another 5-10 minutes. 

Check/stir/cover again as needed until the leaves are mostly reduced. 

Add the wine; scrape the bottom of the pot to get all the good bits up, stir the kale around. Cover and saute again. 

It's done when the thick stem bits are fork-tender. 

 

[I admit I was multitasking so I didn't track time on this, but it was probably 30-ish minutes in total on low heat. Also, I like kale much more wilted than some. So.] 

 

I also have some oven-baked salmon to reheat for lunch, but I'll eat that after the lunch crowd is out of the kitchen. I don't mind the smell of microwaved fish (or broccoli...), but I doubt everyone else feels the same way.

[TokiDokiKitty]

Well, at least SOME of last week's low mood makes sense; Aunt Flo showed up first thing this morning, so PMDD can excuse at least a little of my brainfog. 

 

On the other hand, while I went out for food/drinks several times between Friday-Sunday (girls' night out Friday, Chinese New Year Sunday, etc) I cooked at home the rest of the time, trying new things. Okayu is dead simple... if you read the recipe.   I'm not great at reading, apparently, and had burnt rice instead of rice porridge. Oh well. Lesson learned! (It was still tasty.)    Saturday I was unexpectedly hung over-turned-sinus migraine (thank you, Santa Ana winds.... bastards).  Did not drink enough water before bed, even though I'd sobered up... and then the weather changed. So I didn't actually EAT anything until 4pm and it was water and rice. Oops. 

 

My macros aren't great - lots of white rice and miso soup because it's comforting, and simple - so my goal to get higher protein is still a struggle. I can probably hit 80-ish grams per day and I'm aiming for 120+. And a calorie deficit, so simply adding a protein shake in puts me out of deficit and into maintenance...  Baby steps. 

 

Rising Heroes is... going. I appreciate the daily to-do of having to check off things like movement and other lifestyle health choices, but some of the things aren't going to work out. The "Flash mission" to discuss finances... that's NOT happening, if it's to remain within the family. The last time Mom and I talked money, I was vaguely threatened with being homeless or my rent tripling (which solves the eradicate-debt issue HOW, exactly?!) and money is a source of a lot of hurt feelings and nasty behaviors. So it's off the table. I'll journal about it for 20 minutes somewhere private, if i must, but it's not going to be a verbalized thing. Period.  My sanity is clinging to far too many frayed threads right now to add any more tension into the mix. 

 

I do enjoy having the house to myself... I've got my small collection of Japanese tableware (rice bowl, soup bowl, beer glass, soup mug/spoon) sitting on the counter with my other easy meal fixings. No one bugs me when I decide to start cooking something at 6am or 3pm. I can leave the slow cooker on the counter next to the food processor and the blender and not get an earful about the kitchen being a mess...  Proof I really am a hermit, I think. I can handle other people in small doses and then I'm done. 

 

Fuck capitalism. The cost of living around here is so prohibitively high that I CAN'T move out and afford things like rent *and* groceries. (Never mind I would have to cut out EVERYTHING that brings me joy, like Tea ceremony, kimono lessons, and weekend/evening classes).

 

I've blocked my Facebook newsfeed in my browser. Every day is a new report about something our new Cheeto-In-Chief has decided to do, and it leaves me angry and sad and feeling more helpless than ever. And while tuning it out doesn't SOLVE anything, it does leave me with a better headspace for my immediate day to day needs, and unfortunately, until I can snap my fingers and turn OFF this abysmal Depression Demon, my own self care is going to take priority over any "woke" state or civic activism. So I'll vote with my wallet and when mid-term elections come up, VOTE, and just have to leave things at that for now. (Mom already knows I can't stand being in the room anymore with the Talking Heads shows on - CNN, etc. - because it, like Judge Judy, just makes my shoulders creep up to my ears and then I explode with rage and frustration at all the wrong targets.  Yet another reason to get my office area de-cluttered and reorganized so there's space up there for everything BUT the kitchen and I won't have to come downstairs... Ever.) 

 

 

This morning was a vet check-up for an issue (caused BY the vet, but I didn't catch it so I feel guilty for being a Bad Dog Mom, too) and the "rule" is that we stop somewhere for something I can share with the dog on the way home. So there was Starbucks latte and banana loaf. [Don't worry, the dog doesn't get THAT much of the food, but it's a treat to make up for putting her through The Horrible Place.]  Other than that nutritional disaster, I packed an egg bake (low fat, high protein), h.b. eggs, some cream chicken stew, and veggies to toaster-oven-roast this afternoon.  Ceramics class starts tonight; I'm hoping it's just a "welcome, claim your locker and see you Wednesday" sort of thing, simply because I'm still feeling blah and wrung out. 

Goal is to hit the gym tomorrow a.m. since I'm getting better about being UP by 6-sth during the week. (Worst case, it's after work, but I'm trying NOT to do that...) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

I'm watching "35 sai no koukousei" right now as my Japanese listening practice...  

It really makes me want to order a school bag to use as my purse... Rakuten has some really cute ones with Hello Kitty, too. ^__^  

 

Trying out PocketGuard since my YNAB trial ends tomorrow and I'm still just NOT a fan. It's got a lot of quantitative data options, but... I just don't follow the interface. PocketGuard gives me what I have in my pocket on a given day, which is nice, and a quick visual breakdown of what I'm spending. It also "learns" from my spending habits (e.g., I can teach it that transactions from Mitsuwa are groceries, etc.) and it's a bit more end-user friendly overall.  Not a fan of being unable to edit categories, but... meh. I like detailed specifics where possible, simply because things with tidy labels make me happy. If my Tea and kimono lessons are earmarked as "tuition" it's not wrong, but it doesn't give me quite the same level of minutiae that I want.  Either way, I need to climb out of this financial hole and STAY OUT.  

 

Mom comes home today; no more quiet house and miso soup at night - I'll be walking in to a LOUD television with angry CNN shows and it will feel like a battleground as soon as I walk in the door. 

 

I'm leaving my Facebook newsfeed blocked. I feel SO MUCH BETTER not reading about angry political stuff right now. I don't walk around angry like I used to. [And I'm then not going down the 'rabbit hole' of posts until some ungodly hour of the night. Added bonus, that.] 

 

Made a large (crustless) quiche in the cast iron this morning, cut it into 8 wedges. It's more spinach than egg, but hey, it's a tasty easy breakfast option. (And using beef tallow in the pan is WAY more user-friendly than canola oil. Less sticky residue, also, and takes less overall to make the pan non-stick.)  

 

Lunch today is likely leftover soup that needs eating. I didn't pack much of anything else, though I can thaw some options in the work freezer.  Depending on how I feel, I may hit the gym after work.  (I went to bed with a sinus headache last night, it's not much better today, and the weather changed AGAIN so I feel pretty wrung out at multiple levels.)  My impulse-ish order of reflective running leggings came in; maybe I'll pop on my headphones and try a long C25K walk instead.  I do plan on walking at lunch like usual, though. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Updated my goal list for the next 4-week challenge. I'm still feeling like I'm in a pretty bad place overall - emotionally/mentally - but I need to establish and maintain better habits. so.

Mom is sick, I hav ea splitting headache today... it's hard to focus through the white noise of pain and depression. Hence the seemingly stupid-simple goals that are all stupid-hard right now for me. 

 

We'll see. 

 

Scale hasn't budged - up OR down - and is holding steady at 172 last I looked. So there's that. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Copy-pasta'd from the 4-week challenge thread:

So the next 4 week challenge will be do-able goals - simple habits that are achievable, but harder to do regularly/consistently.

 

1. Nutrition: Eat a self-prepped meal every day (breakfast, lunch, whatever) - something I made from scratch or controlled the ingredients/amounts involved (so... an apple and two hard-boiled eggs counts, because I know exactly what's in said meal. So does a meal-prepped option in a Tupperware.)

 

2. Hydration: Drink more than 48 ounces of WATER a day. (Not decaf coffee, not tea. Water. No-cal flavoring OK, herbal options OK. Straight water is grim - I'm not setting myself up to fail from the start by restricting it that much!)  I have three 30-oz Yeti-style tumblers now; I enjoy cold water-with-ice. There really isn't an excuse other than re-training myself to reach for water instead of coffee...

 

3. Fitness: Go to the gym once a week. Ideally, twice a week.  [Once a week because the semester has begun at school and the challenge is that it's ceramics -- which means time working on the wheel -- and the only open lab hours I can get to are weekday evenings. Which means once a week OR MORE, I need to be up, moving, bag packed with work clothes, and heading to the gym BEFORE work (so, on the road by 6:15, showered and back out the locker room door by 8:15).  I still plan to continue to walk every lunch break I can.  The sub-quest on this is to be up consistently by 6am most weekdays. So far, I'm managing 2 days on, 2 days off, 1 day coin-toss... So it's in bed BY 10 and up by 6 every weekday (and 8am on weekends if I can...). From there, I'll be up and have that time before leaving for work to either go to the gym or work on other projects (Etsy, for example. Fear of failure is stalling me as badly as not prioritizing tasks for the shop, I think.) 

 

4. Financial: I still make bad decisions with money. Usually spur-of-the-moment ones. So tying in with Rising Heroes challenges, my goal is to TRACK all spending. (If I can reduce it, great! But step one is to write it down in red ink somewhere visible.)  I find that I'll tell myself I'm "doing okay" and then stop and think about what actually transpired and... yeah. Not awesome.  Stretch goal: Track all spending and do NOT use my credit card for increasing periods of time (e.g., 3 days straight, 5 days straight, 7 days straight, etc.)  [This is a stretch because I'm still paycheck-to-paycheck and sometimes have to go to the grocery store, etc. and debit/cash isn't feasible.]  I've already taken one step forward and deleted the Amazon app off my phone. It was WAY too easy to spend money without thinking.   I also subscribed to YNAB because while I don't love the interface, the more I have it and PocketGuard going, the more I find YNAB works for the categories I need. (I may keep them going side-by-side for a while, though.) 

 

5. Not really a goal so much as a tracking plan: Mental health.  Last month was rough, coming off the holidays and still fighting the winter blues. So this month will be maintaining the bujo-esque tracking I have in my Passion Planner (checking off taking meds, drinking water, eating veg, etc.) in order to keep a visual/long-term record of how I'm doing. I'm still fighting a lot of mental baggage, both chemically and emotionally - yes, I have depression. Yes, it sucks mightily.  But I also REALLY don't like my job anymore, and I'm struggling to keep sight of what I did enjoy before. I used to think I wanted the responsibility of programs, etc., but now... now I don't. I don't want to interact with anyone. I don't want to play email ping-pong between underwriters and insured, etc. and that's a bitter pill to swallow because that's 90% of my job. So I need to work on not only shifting that headspace but also seeing where I can take steps towards work that is actually fulfilling once again. [I used to like making clients happy. Now I feel like it's a lost cause.] 

 

 

===========================

 

Today's check-in: 

I did a chart of my credit card spending over the last month. It's ugly. I exceeded what I earned by $500. So that's f*ed up.  But it did make it clear where I'm spending and shouldn't - Amazon - and where I thought I was spending more than I am (iTunes games).  I did have to filter out a few items [the vet bill mom reimbursed me for, etc]. And I made two large one-off purchases - personal training and a washable kimono - that won't show on the February breakout, but were expensive all the same.  And I can tell myself that it's because a handful of annual bills hit (Fitocracy, MFP) but really... those are a drop in the bucket compared to the I-didn't-need-that shopping I was doing on Amazon. 

So. Time to buckle down on NOT spending on Amazon and focusing more on a) using what I have, b.) Getting rid of STUFF I don't need, and c) selling or donating things I don't need or want anymore. (Anyone have luck with LetItGo vs. Craigslist or eBay?) 

 

The last few days I've been making a blender bottle with protein, collagen, egg whites and almond milk; it gets me halfway through my protein macros for the day and leaves me plenty of wiggle room for bread or fruit or other carb-y things (or cheese and fruit boxes from Starbucks, which are my latest weakness...). I can work on one all morning - I just keep adding water as I drink it so it gets thinner and easier to digest. (I can't chug liquids - doesn't matter what kind.) 

I've got the better part of a dozen hard boiled eggs in the fridge that need to be used or tossed - I may make myself an egg salad for lunch this afternoon. (Need to walk by the 7-11 for some bread/greens, though. Straight egg salad is pretty grim.) 

 

Didn't get up in time for a workout - I spent about an hour on chores around the house, though, so it wasn't necessarily oversleeping in vain (alarm went off, I went NOPE and snoozed that MoFo).

[TokiDokiKitty]

Oof. Didn't get up for the gym, but I'm sore as heck after trekking across campus with TWO 25lb sacks of clay. And throwing a lot. Ow.... 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Didn't get any workouts in earlier this week - just feeling lousy overall. I mean, I hefted a hell of a lot of clay Monday night, so there's that, but... eh. Plan is to go tomorrow morning for something - maybe deadlifts again. In lieu of a regular routine, I'm simply going to do what I enjoy.  If it becomes a Friday morning habit, then I can work on adding in a Tuesday morning, etc. 

 

Ceramics is frustrating right now - I still can't make the clay do what I want it to, no matter how well I understand cerebrally what I'm trying to do. Brain and clay are NOT in sync. Super frustrating. I wind up with more scraps and mess in my bucket than on the wheel by the end of a throwing session.  

 

Work is frustrating - not necessarily for any particular job reason so much as the NOISE level. Nose Breather is quieter, but The Mumbler has been screwing up lately (on shit he should know better) and thus talks/grumbles loudly to himself about it and then will come over to my cube to bug ME about something inconsequential. I kinda want to deck him. A lot. The constant noise (that I can hear over my headphones) has left me feeling a bit like a neurotic hamster in a too-small cage; I'm frantic and trapped and can't sit still and keep clawing at my back. [Yet another reason my work wardrobe is dark colors or shades of red - blood won't show.] 

 

Dash cam works - took a bit of finagling on learning how to navigate it, but it's nice so far.  

 

Bought lunch "out" yesterday - falafel wrap - but I've been making a protein blender bottle each morning with plenty of whey, collagen, etc. Not on plan today, really. I intend to go back to school after work and try and trim/build some things, perhaps try again on throwing another lump or two to see if I can't get it to click this time. Maybe I'll queue up a few Youtube tutorials on centering and whatnot to see if something makes more sense. I find watching more helpful than reading when trying to sort out a new skill (like videos on hard-wiring a dash cam into the car. ) 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So... Yesterday started off theoretically going well - I woke up at 5:30, sat and listed a bunch of things on Etsy that I'd photographed (still need to fluff out the listing description, but whatever)... and then at work found out that I'm being audited because a client is unhappy. (This client is always unhappy. She's an unhappy person.) 

 

So... yeah. Suck all around. 

 

So today I meet with my manager, and again on Tuesday to discuss how to get ALL of my emails from July 1 of last year until now onto a network drive for someone else to comb through... >_< UGH. 

 

Last night, I opted to go drink and have yakitori instead of working on ceramics stuff at school. Mom joined me. Kinda wish I'd ordered a few bottles of the house sake, but I had to drive home, so it was a single beer instead. Oh well.  

 

Woke up at 7 instead of 5:30 for the gym, so that didn't happen. All my dreams were people yelling at me... in Japanese (wtf?) - so if nothing else, my language skills are progressing, though in a rather awkward and unpleasant way. o.O::

 

Today's goal: do NOT walk to the nearby bar at lunch and drink. Keep my shit together during this morning's meeting, and ideally, negotiate for some software I need using the angle that right now, I don't actually HAVE any help on my desk.  (And for 80% of my work, I don't really need assistance... it's the other 20% that's creating the problem.) Also, to get more sorted on what I need for data, and continue figure out a better system than the way-it's-been-done-for-12-years method I inherited (which is also creating problems).  This may mean building a custom database for myself using what limited Access knowledge I have. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Work is still shite. Absolute, utter shite. 

 

And it's clear that it will NEVER matter to the broker or client how much I do right, or how often I bust my ass; they're going to zero in on the one time I make a mistake and Never. Let. It. Go.  

 

So now I feel like a failure (I know I'm not, but I *feel* like it) and all I really want to do is throw my toys and stomp home in a tantrum-y huff, because I HATE THIS SHIT. I spend 9 on-the-clock hours here every.damn.day and it's all so goddamned pointless. One error - one that wasn't even mine but slipped past me - is going to come back and bite me in the ass for months, if not years, to come, and it will never matter that the other 99% of my day I'm getting positive feedback from all the other (not-pitching-fits-for-discounts) clients I interact with. Hell, the manager(s) who is supposed to be coming down hard on me is instead blown away by how hyper-organized and thorough I am.  Not that it fucking matters. 

 

And I know going home and drinking to try and unwind isn't going to actually HELP, but it's so, so tempting.  Instead, I dragged my gym bag out of my car and I'm going to deadlift and listen to loud metal music until I feel better, goddamnit. 

 

I am so angry right now, and I'm very glad most everyone has gone home because I am crying in my cube and I'm on a razor's edge from hitting hysterical. 

 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Well, work still sucks. It's frustrating to want to do well and know I'm never going to succeed because no matter what I do right, someone will find something wrong somewhere. (I even found out that the annual "merit" increase is less than past years for me, because I'm on the broker's shit list, though she won't say that out loud. It's hurtful, to know I bust my ass and stay late and work hard and because our most high-maintenance and difficult client decided to be a raging hellbeast, I'm getting punished long-term. And I had this conversation with my manager who really couldn't deny it but tried, anyway. Which is frustrating and little insulting in its own way.) 

 

And I'm SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT.  

 

Stress is up, my depression is back in full force, the scale is up, and I'm just tired and angry at everything. Finding a new teacher for more crafts (Japanese traditions ftw!) was only a temporary balm, because the person I would go with doesn't want "long days" in Torrance. And I'm not really willing to argue since she's the one who finds these people, etc. I just... I like Torrance. It's far away from Newport and work and all the crap going wrong in my life, and there are things there that lift my spirits and let me forget how bad the day was. Shit, even navigating the badly-maintained roads with not nearly enough traffic signals gives my brain something else to chew on.  I don't mind driving 45 minutes one way and sitting in traffic on the way home to get that relief.  But then, *I* don't have three kids and a husband to work into my schedule, so I can't be too rigid. So Sunday afternoons will be Craft Afternoons now. 

 

I'm trying not to spend to feel better.  It's harder than it seems, now that I'm aware that's a coping mechanism I've adopted.  And spending-to-feel-better-on-things-that-might-fix-me is especially difficult (protein powders, fitness toys, flattering gym clothes...).  So I think I need to just buckle down somehow, and figure out how to get discipline in place so I can get back on the wagon despite the frustration and joint pain and depression. It's hard because those things all fight to have top place in my deal-with pile, and all the things that I should be doing to feel better (physically, emotionally, etc) all get pushed to the backburner, and the vicious cycle continues. 

 

And KNOWING this is an issue is still the underpants stage - it's the STEP TWO of addressing the issues that I'm stumbling over. I KNOW what I need to do (dial in my nutrition, get to the gym, leave work at work) but getting to the actionable stage of that is still not quite happening. It's like I'm cleared for takeoff but the engines aren't running. Lots of empty runway and a destination in mind, but no forward motion.  (Which then cycles back into a loop of frustration and self loathing, etc.) 

 

What has worked so far, emotionally - disconnecting from Facebook except for the occasional post or seeing what a friend shared with me. Scaling back on subscriptions. Slowly purging STUFF from my rooms, one pile at a time.  

 

What I still need to do - let go of worrying about taking half days. I'm in until noon, if I'm needed, I make myself available by text so I can be advised if I have to log on in the evening to work on something. If something goes wrong, it goes wrong. I'm not going to cancel everything in my life that keeps me sane just to sit around in 'just in case' mode. I've done that before. It's not worth it, and I just feel lousy and resentful of everyone in the office.  I need to make a meal plan and STICK TO IT for more than 24-36 hours. Like, work on getting to three days, then five, then ten, etc. Making a gold star chart is nice in theory but I suck at policing myself.  Drink water - my Plant Nanny app has been a storehouse of dead plants for a few weeks now. I have the nice Yeti-style tumblers that keep drinks cold. I need to USE them. 

 

Again - I can see where I can take actions and then I just... don't. I falter and fall flat and let myself off the hook with stupid excuses.  And journaling like this helps, but it doesn't actually give me any forward progress. It's all underpants, however cathartic. :/ 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Last night's journaling catharsis helped. 

 

Today I slept in (planned to get up, clocks changed, fucks were nowhere to be found) but I'm doing meal prep for the week - hard boiled eggs (I hope... I did the timing wrong so they're back in the pot again...), sautéed kale with bacon, baked chicken breast, and egg cups (jumbo muffin tin ftw!). The chicken is still thawing so I'm not sure how to season it to make it something I'll reheat and eat, but it's a step forward. Right now, I'm trying to get a crapton of veg in, because that's my weak point no matter what. I'm terrible about eating my veggies. I like them! I just... don't eat them. Some of it is Big Food - convenient food is rarely healthy food, so short of buying nothing but apples and carrot sticks, there isn't much else I can come across easily. (Iceberg lettuce doesn't count - it's usually just a vehicle for dressing and croutons.)  Some of it is laziness - even with the toaster oven in the office kitchen, I don't actually prep veggies to eat them. 

 

So today is prep food and pack it in easy-to-grab containers. Tomorrow... I'll try and get up early, but stress is exhausting and affecting my sleep something awful. So. I need to at least get the 80% nutrition part of the equation going. 

 

ETA -- put the eggs in for a second boil and they're still iffy. I may just give up on them and make a new batch later this week. :/  But I have chicken and sauteed kale in easy grab-and-go for Mon-Thurs, plus bell pepper to nosh on, and breakfast egg cups to heat and eat. Next plan is to figure out easier dinners that are appealing. I'm back-sliding to the drive-thru option, and that's not cool. It's money spent needlessly AND bad nutrition. So. 

[Heck, maybe I'll buy a handful of frozen entrees that aren't too awful on the carb/fat ratios and leave them in the work freezer. Easy enough to have variety that way.] 

 

Chicken: I baked it to juuust done (150~155* internal temp) because it's going to be nuked for later eating. Which means it will dry out more. I also put a layer of broth in the pan before it went in the oven, so it's hopefully moist when I reheat it, and not somewhere between chalky and rubbery upon nuking. Because that's what drove me to hate it for the longest after choking it down so much. (I also used a seasoned salt mix which had some sugar and other interesting flavors so hopefully that will help with flavor and moisture alike.) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Re-re-re-(re-...)-respawn day 2. (3?) 

 

Stayed within calorie targets yesterday, but not macro. Bread is an evil nemesis.  Packed prepped lunch again today (sauteed kale, baked chicken) and a bell pepper to snack on. I think I have some brussels sprouts in the work fridge I can slice up and oven roast, but I threw them in there a while ago, so... gotta make sure they haven't started a civilization of their own yet. o.O 

 

Breakfast was protein powder while sitting in the shuttle to get to work from the car dealership (which SHOULD have been done Saturday but oh well). No idea what dinner is, yet, but front-loading my day with protein leaves me with more options. 

 

100 days of Intentional Movement may back-slide to walking tonight after work, unless I miraculously am NOT exhausted when I get home and can find some time in the garage. [This is the problem - it's not that i don't want to work out, it's that sometimes, the simple hurdle of getting home in traffic is more than I can get over in order to get that workout in.] I did manage to wake up (ish) with my alarms, though. Knowingly hitting snooze rather than fumbling around and grumbling about the hour, anyway. 

 

Scale this morning: just below the 174 mark. So I gained some, and will lose it again, dammit. 

 

NSVs from yesterday: I left class early and did NOT go to the Japanese market on the way home for more bread (or beer, or sake). 

Other than the leftover naan bread in the freezer, I mostly ate on plan - and stayed below calorie targets. 

I got in a workout (that was light but oddly hard) before work. 

Pre-tracked my food to see how things were shaping up.

[TokiDokiKitty]

Hit a breaking point last week; I think I spent more time hiding in the bathroom and crying at work than actually working. 

 

Went to bed at 5pm on Friday and didn't get up until 10:30 Saturday. Not quite a full reset, but a much-needed period of down time. Still tired, but now it's more of the tired-from-busy-days than tired-at-an-emotional-level. 

 

Still dislike work, though. I feel like I need to fight but there's no fight to be had, so I'm just swinging at anything that moves. Not a good place to be. *sigh*

 

----------

 

Scale today 173.8  - no change from the last two-ish weeks, up or down. 

 

I made myself a protein blender bottle today but haven't really made any progress on it over the last 4 hours.... but I did eat rice and bread. *sigh* My nutrition lately is abysmal. Eating well takes effort and giveadamn and I'm utterly tapped out of those resources. 

 

I'm sorely tempted to cut a lot of fabric squares and bring them and a needle/thread to work to keep my hands busy when I'm feeling antsy - making fabric flowers seems as reasonable as any other fidgeting method, anyway. 

 

Haven't been to the gym since last training session; bag is packed to go tomorrow night, at least. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Perhaps a bit unprofessional, but today I brought a box of fabric squares and some needle/thread so I can make nui-tsumami petals when I'm getting jittery or tense. It helps - it's simple, repetitive tasks that have an end result.  So even if it's not *work* productivity, it's something that gives me a brief sense of accomplishment. (There's a lot of hurry-up-and-wait going on, work-wise.) [And hey, I make enough I can assemble proper hair clips when I get home and list them on Etsy. Side hustle win?] 

 

May or may not make the gym tonight - the bag is packed and in my car. Overslept this morning (again) - I'm just TIRED lately. Not sure if I need to up my meds or just scale back my schedule (I don't *feel* overbooked, but I'm doing something most every day of the week, from 8a - 9pm. So maybe?)  I also need to clean up my office/craft room - maybe I'll make that my "big" project for this Saturday afternoon, if I have the time. Get some trash bags and just start ruthlessly discarding anything and everything non-essential.  

 

I'm still getting the RH emails even though I'm not in the program right now - I like the "tier" approach to prioritizing, though I disagree somewhat with workouts in Tier 1 and nutrition in Tier 2 - it should probably be reversed, since diet is more significant than movement when it comes to fitness (with the general assumption that fitness includes fat loss as part of the goal). Anyway. Nothing else really appeals, and while I can see the [great!] idea behind the storyline, it's just not pulling me in whatsoever. So I don't think I'll re-up anytime soon. 

 

Anyway. I suck at eating right and drinking water at all lately, so today is back to trying to drink at least 56 oz of non-caffeinated liquids. That's it. That's the only goal I'm committing to. I'm too tired to put any more energy into any other goals. Get up, get to work, don't-get-fired, go home. That's my routine lately. So adding in drink-more-water is about as much of a stretch as I've been able to fit. 

 

Scale is still at 173.8 - I'm nothing if not consistent, at least... 

 

I feel like I should be able to do more, but lately, I have no focus - whenever I want to sit down and concentrate, my brain goes fuzzy. I don't know how to describe it otherwise - it's like the polar opposite of "flow" - I find myself just blanking out or staring at the clock or re-reading the same sentence over and over. The instant you hand me something to do with my hands (craft project, puzzle, coloring book, whatever) I hit "flow" state. So I know some of it is a subconscious kickback to work stress - the lizard hindbrain version of DON'T WANNA!  But it's damn frustrating. 

 

I probably should find time in my schedule for a therapist, but the last two experiences were iffy at best (one just prescribed meds until I went numb, the other told me she "didn't know why I was there, I seemed perfectly fine" when I brought up having unexpected/inexplicable panic attacks...) so I'm wary as hell about forking out stupid amounts of money to talk to someone when I could get the same results with a pen and blank journal/word processor.   At least my bestie of late is a retired psychiatrist, so while I'm not asking her to make room on her couch for me, she does have useful insight and recommendations when I do vent about my days'/weeks'/lifes' frustrations. [Though it's while she's a passenger in my car, so I should tone down the unintentional captive-audience tactic. It's more that it's just us in the car, so it's "safer" to open up than at home when someone could walk in.] 

 

Simple pleasure of the day: cardamom in my coffee. 

Small victory: Leveled up to 29 in Pokemon. Walking at lunch every day is slooowly paying off. 

 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, I did Responsible Adult things all afternoon today - laundry, meal prep, etc.  (Meals prepped are high protein and NOT low fat, but they're also a heaping of veggies in each. My biggest challenge is portion control x satiety, so I might as well give myself portioned meals and make THAT a habit, THEN get neurotic about the macro breakdowns.)  Also, having the house to myself let me cook in peace, and when it's an uninterrupted process, it becomes quite meditative. So that was nice. 

 

This Week's Menu:

Chicken thighs (cooked with bone and skin, bone and skin removed after), risotto [using the stock from cooking the chicken], oven-roasted zucchini and cippolini onions. (Of course, after cooking, there's not a lot of meat, so next time I'll have to use the larger Dutch oven and 2+ pounds instead of one.) 

 

Japanese curry with sweet potato/yam and pork [also diced in an apple and added a Tbsp of honey to amp up the natural sweetness].  That plus a heat-and-eat rice packet and I'm set for class night dinners. And since I used one large yam and almost 2 pounds of lean pork, that's a lot of protein-to-fat/carb ratios (before rice, of course). Much better than the traditional pile of starchy veg and only a half pound of meat per the package directions. 

 

Also hard boiled 8 eggs, have red bell peppers in the fridge for slicing and snacking (and baby carrots but I didn't get around to portioning them out). If I have the energy/giveadamn later, I've got the fixings for a broccoli slaw-and-edamame salad. Same for yogurt and berries - ran out of steam before assembling breakfast jars. But at least one or two meals each day this week are organized properly, so I'll be less likely to buy junk or overpriced Starbucks sandwiches. And if the chicken reheats properly, then I won't be throwing half my lunches away, either. (That happened last week. It just did NOT work out right.) 

 

Now it's time to fold the mountain of clean clothes that has taken over my bed and get some SLEEP. I've been fighting a pattern of over-under-over-under sleeping. It's maddening. Last night was insomnia, so hopefully tonight is proper sleep and NOT oversleeping (because work frowns upon excessive tardiness...) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So... yesterday I PLANNED to be good. It didn't pan out so hot - there was candy involved - but I did eat (and enjoy!) the chicken-risotto-veg I'd cooked. Oven-roasted zucchini reheats well, and those little tiny onions might be worth the splurge - they caramelize up nicely when roasting... Hm.  So it's more a matter of getting MORE chicken into the bento box (and probably less rice) and I'll have a more successful lunch overall.   Still fudging my macros around - carbs are still my weakness, so it makes NO sense to cut those down to nil, but if I don't have protein and fat, I'll just be hangry all day. So I'm still trying to find balance there. 

 

Sleep is crap. I think I'm getting hit with the side effect of my meds (finally?) since insomnia is one of them. Bad sleep quality and weird dreams (why is teeth-falling-out and teeth-breaking and losing-teeth a thing??? WHY??) have made the last week or so rough. And when I don't feel good, I want to eat. So of course, all my careful menu planning goes out the window. >_< 

 

Car is in the shop today - hopefully it won't be an expensive fix, but... whatever. I'll go back to working stupid-late again soon because of deadlines. I think I've resigned myself to being poor forever because I suck at money. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

Where to start...

 

Got fed up with my weight. Again. Joined Weight Watchers. Again. 

 

I really need to figure out a) my physical issues - a lot of headaches and tiredness lately and b.) pare down my schedule like WHOA once the semester ends. I'm overbooked and exhausted. The rare days I have nothing scheduled, I spend most of the day in bed. Sleeping. (Not even reading, just... out cold.) [And yet, I go to bed on-time -- 10pm -- and fully intend to wake up at 6-7, only to oversleep until the last minute at 8am-ish.] 

 

Getting a little better about food choices - back to packing foods and slowly working on developing more of a 'bento' habit in that I want everything to fit in one tidy container for portion control.  Tempted to spend money (again... fuck) on divided containers that I can fill easily with appropriate amounts of food. We'll see. I've been doing far too much impulse spending lately (and by impulse, I mean "Oh, I need this item" and then later going, "oh, I didn't really need it that badly...") on Amazon. 

 

Pharmacy after work today to pick up my refilled Rx and look for Flonase - apparently, doc thinks some of my sinus issues are due to the fact that Claritin and Zyrtec simply don't last a full 24 hours, which is why I tend to wake up with intense sinus headaches. So I need to add a hit of Flonase/Nasonex/whatever to my pre-bedtime routine [which is not consistent right now... damn.] 

 

Anyway. Chugging along. not making a whole lot of progress yet, but I really hope I can pinpoint what's causing some of my issues and resolve them. Once I can get a restful night of sleep, I'll probably feel WAY better. (And maybe my weight will go down slowly; even if I'm not perfectly tracking, I've been far more mindful of my intake the last 2 weeks and the scale hasn't budged, so.) 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, back to daily scale checking - again, it's more for data points of reference than anything (I know it's going to yo-yo about with a general trend in either direction). Up to 176 today, but I walked more yesterday and had salty food last night. So. 

 

My latest packed lunches are pretty on-target for macros, though - if I don't overdo the fruit. Other than dinner, I pack all my meals (breakfast, lunch, snack) and yesterday things were right on target to leave a balanced option for dinner [which wound up being a flatbread with turkey and a laughing cow wedge].  So if I can keep incorporating cooked vegetables and fresh fruits, then I should hopefully see progress.  There's also a trending factor on the WW site by a user who advises to eat our weeklies, but eat them on certain days (so the days before and after weigh-in, stay on 'daily' points only, the days further out from those, eat daily and weekly points).  We'll see how that pans out. I've also set it so I eat my weeklies first instead of my fit points, since I'm not nearly active enough to justify dipping into the additional calories right now. 

 

We'll see. If nothing else, I'm making better food choices. 

[TokiDokiKitty]

So, it's been a while since I updated. I suppose a lot has happened? My life isn't exactly a thrilling adventure.

 

-- I finally changed work departments. I don't wake up wondering if I should just quit and go prostitute for income because it would be less horrendous than where I was working. The team I'm with now is small, but we respect and support each other. After 9 years of toxic workplace, it's been a hell of a mindset shift, and I'm still working on it. (I'm not a fan of getting up for work yet, but that has more to do with the fact I'd prefer to sleep and avoid driving -- I will never not hate the freeway commute -- than any desire to avoid my day job.) 

-- I'm still working on not eating my feelings. I rejoined WeightWatchers at the end of February and hopefully I'll stop losing and gaining the same 10 pounds over and over now that work stress is drastically reduced. Current scale check shows 180, but that's down from the nearly-190 I was clocking in at toward the end of last year. Goal is to get - and stay - back below 165 pounds. (I'm 5'9" so aiming for something like 135 is unrealistic unless I'm suffering from a wasting sickness or terminal illness. I am not a delicate flower.) 

-- The dog in my photo passed away the week of Thanksgiving [PSA: do NOT give a 14.9 year old animal a full panel of vaccines that make even younger dogs lethargic. Our vet really fucked that one up.] We think the tipping point was probably a brain lesion, but bad decisions about "routine" vet care didn't help. ("We can't treat your animal unless they're up to date on their shots" applies to dogs that aren't looking at primarily end-of-life palliative care. Assholes.) 

-- We adopted a new dog in December, who is an adult retired breeding female. She's quite eager to please for a Pekingese, and routinely hides from the camera so photos are rare.  We're still working on where she is and isn't allowed - her previous owners allowed her to wet indoors when weather was bad, and we don't have bad weather in California, so we're working on NOT having wet spots, either. We're at about a 90% success rate so far - she's still not allowed in some parts of the house because we're not at 100% yet. But we're getting there. She snores louder than most old men, which is entertaining unless you're trying to sleep. 

-- I finished my kimono licensing course! I am now - officially - a licensed kimono teacher with the YamanoRyu school. *squee*  Now to network like mad so I can pay off the loan I took in September to afford the teacher's course. [Japanese hobbies are not cheap. Oof.] 

-- I've been suffering from mystery pain more and more, and finally bit the bullet and had a full lab workup. According to bloodwork, I have no allergies, no autoimmune challenges, and no other indications I'm anything but a model of perfect physical health. So the mystery continues. For a while, fibromyalgia was a possible diagnosis, but now the aches are settling down, so maybe I just really, really suck at handling stress (see above re: job change, teacher's course, dog loss...) 

-- I've fallen off the workout bandwagon, but I do have a recurring biweekly appointment with my trainer, who is really good about working with my current limitations. My knees are still utter crap and ache at the drop of a hat, but right now the biggest frustration is my left elbow. The Internet tells me it's (not lupus) some flavor of tennis elbow/irritated ulnar nerve, but between NSAIDs, compression, topical pain management, and trying not to use the joint, I'm not finding much relief.  ;_;  

 

So, that's the bulk of what's been going on in my life.  I've started listening to Level Up Your Life again on Audible during my lunchtime walks (the one fit habit I've kept, at least) and may reboot/respawn everything here. Now that my goals are a lot less "win lotto to escape helljob" and a lot more "obtain higher certifications with Yamano" I can probably develop a far more successful gamification plan than before.  Ganbarimasu~!