Battle Kitten: Ascension

PixieKitten · June 10, 2016

Another Kitten just popping in to say Hi!

...Hi!

fleaball · June 11, 2016

5 hours ago, Briniel said:

I'm here!!

I like your therapist. So, are we doing this, or what?

Fml. Monday? Let's say Monday. I'm starting c25k with @Severine anyway. And if that doesn't tag her right I blame my phone.

I had a post written last night but my browser ate it. Started a post today but decided to go grocery shopping before I put it off any longer. Started virus scanning my computer while I was gone. 6 hours later it's still running and I'm not going back on the internets until it's done. So ugh.

So i haven't worked out since last week. It's been a bleh week in the sleep department. I thought I was finally catching up after the disaster that was finals, but since last week I've had trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, and haven't been waking up feeling like I actually slept. Culminating in being absolutely useless yesterday with a headache that wouldn't go away and zero energy. Managed to sleep about eleven hours last night and am more of a functional human today. Didn't get nearly as much done as I wanted to, but I did go grocery shopping, call my parents, do 3 loads of laundry, make dinner (salmon and Brussels sprouts), and there's a breakfast casserole in the oven that will turn into like 8 meals so. Okay so I did a lot. But none of that except the salmon was planned so it kicked out the things I wanted to get done. On the other hand, grocery shopping means I walked 2.15 miles that I wouldn't have otherwise.

Ill post my responses for @Sylvaa 's challenges in another post to keep them in one place. I've been doing them every day but clearly not posting because I am a slacker. I know I have more posts to reply to here and people to pop in on but fuck the mobile site. D: ill hit you all tomorrow. It's supposed to be the hottest day of the year so far so I can't imagine myself doing much beyond melting on the couch.

fleaball · June 11, 2016

Okay. Finally getting around to posting this. @Sylvaa posted these two challenges that I am dumb and said I would do. Day 4 is going to suck.

Spoilering for length, mostly.

Day 1: (6.8)

Spoiler

Carve out one hour of ME time. Relish it without guilt.
- Started out by reading for 20 minutes. Then it hit me that I was fucking exhausted, so I went to bed since it was around 10pm. Probably not what they were thinking, but honestly the thought of going to bed before midnight always makes me feel like I'm neglecting something. Like I should stay up and finish a thing, or start something else, or I haven't done anything all day so I need to do something before I go to sleep. So even though it ultimately didn't do much for my failure to sleep this week, it felt really good just to be in bed at that point.
Why are you doing #loveme?
- I don't subscribe to the "no one will love you until you love yourself" thing, but I do think that, at least in my case, it's hard to accept their love without loving yourself. If I get compliments or positive feedback or anything of the sort from friends or family, it doesn't count because they're friends or family. And I take my positive attributes for granted or dismiss them (paper wars, anyone?).
- Beyond that, but related, I'm trying to up my confidence/self-esteem/whatever. To make myself understand that I'm worthy of that love. I'm lonely a lot of the time. My roommate is never around, between her crazy-ass work schedule and being with her boyfriend; if I asked her to get dinner some night or go do a thing or whatever I'm sure she would, but I never do because clearly her boyfriend is more interesting or whatever the thing is I'd suggest would be boring, or something otherwise not worth coming home for. My friends from school all have jobs/lives/SOs and I tell myself they're too busy to hang out, or it's too much of a hassle because somehow everyone lives on the opposite side of the city, or their other friends are better friends that they have more in common with. And going to meetups or doing other things where I could meet new people is useless because they all already know each other and are friends and whatever and I'd just be interrupting or something. Don't even ask me to explain why you all stick around.
  - Intellectually I know all of this is patently not true, but I still can't convince myself that I'm not bothering people by reaching out and that they actually do like me. So I'm doing this to show myself that I am worth it. When I looked at them initially my immediate reaction was "lol hell no." Because having to think about myself and actually be nice to myself scares the shit out of me and makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Day 2: (6.9)

Spoiler

Identify one unreasonable expectation you have been holding onto and LET IT GO.
- I keep telling myself that because I know what I'm supposed to do to be healthy and because I've done at least some of those things before, I'm going to do them all. Immediately. Like tomorrow I will absolutely start working out 6 days a week and cook all my meals and lose several pounds every week. And that's not how it works. Even if I do find a rhythm I'm still going to have to ease into it, and whatever worked for me in the past might not work given the different circumstances of the present. So yeah, I can work out and eat better, but it's not going to happen immediately and all at once because I am not the same person I was years ago.
A photo of you.
- It's from last July(?) but I really like it. And I don't take pictures of myself so whatever.

Day 3: (6.10)

Spoiler

Identify one negative eating habit and commit to cut back or cut it out. BE SPECIFIC.
- Waiting too long to eat and not paying attention to my body. I have a terrible habit of getting caught up in something or just not wanting to get up and make food, so that when I finally realize I'm hungry I'm starving. At that point I don't want to deal with the hassle and time commitment of making food so I just shove all kinds of snacks in my face, usually while ordering take out; which is counterproductive because hey taking 20 minutes to cook something is better than the 45 minutes for shitty delivery to get here.
- I just cooked a bunch of food so I'm set for the next few days. I also bought a bunch of frozen fruit to use in smoothies. Going forward I'm going to make sure I stay on top of grocery shopping and put together a list of quick and easy meals so I don't fall back on ordering something that usually turns out to be hugely unsatisfying anyway.
A word that describes you.
- So I took the same quiz Sylvaa did and it gave me "quirky." You are confident, eccentric and sociable. Unusual and unconventional, people cannot help but to be drawn to your quirky personality. You're one of a kind!! I'll take it. I'm hesitant to pick a word like that for myself because it feels like a cop-out ("ha ha i'm so weird there are no words to describe me!") but if an internet quiz gave it to me, it must be true. Confident is clearly a lie but I'm okay with the rest of the description.

Day 4: (today, 6.11)

Spoiler

Get outside for at least twenty minutes- just you and the crisp air. Breathe it in and try to find some sunshine.
- Today is supposed to be the hottest day of the year so far. >> If it doesnt turn out to be quite as miserable as expected, I might go for a run. If not, I'll wait til it's not miserable and just go outside to read. I did buy citronella candles today.
- Fuck me, the Pride parade is today and I totally forgot about it. Maybe I'll go.
A person who loves you.
- I think I'm cheating on this one but whatever. Standard answer would be "my parents" or something. And they probably do but I have a hard time with that because they're my parents and they're supposed to, or whatever. (I know that's not universally true but I also have issues with my parents so that complicates the issue.) I'm sure my friends love me as well but going back to my day 1 answer, why would they when they have better friends etc.? So I'm going with dead people because I know they loved me and I can't talk myself out of believing that.
- Shit, I'm making myself cry. At first I was just going to to go with one grandmother, but then my brain helpfully supplied all three of them. (One grandfather died when my mother was a kid so I obviously never knew him.) My maternal grandmother was the fucking best, y'all. Jesus if there are typos here it's because I can't type through tears. Of all 3 grandparents I felt closest to her. She was super generous and so supportive of everything I did. She could be old school about things but I am 95% confident that if she were still here I could come out to her and she'd be totally fine with it and do stupid shit like buy me rainbow jewelry or something and be sure to ask about boys and girls. She was so excited when I was going to college that she had my mom take her out shopping (several times) to stock up on toiletries and stuff so I'd never have to buy them, and towels and sheets and stuff, and basically everything she thought I would need; and the more personalized stuff like decorations they brought me out for and she paid for it all. And she was absolutely ridiculous. Totally on board with my weird-ass sense of humor, finished a quote from The Princess Bride when I started it, actually suggested ridiculous shit when I was in high school/college and going for graphic tees and obnoxious-colored accessories, etc. She was amazing and I could always count on her.
- My father's parents were cool too. I honestly think of their 7 grandkids I was their favorite, but that's another story. My grandmother was actually kind of a miserable person, looking back, but she still loved me. She'd roll with my craziness and be silly when it was time to be silly. But my grandfather was the best. He was always proud of me. He wasn't really one for emotions and shit, but I always knew he was proud of me and whatever I was doing. And he'd always take an interest in everything. He was really good with tools and carpentry and whatever, and he helped me make my keyblade when I cosplayed Halloween Sora at Anime Boston one year. (It was the shittiest cosplay ever but the Keyblade was fucking awesome.) He had no idea what the fuck it was or why I was doing it, but I remember being in his workshop with the picture printed out and the measurements I'd worked out and him figuring out the best tools to use and showing me how to use them. And I just remember him and my maternal grandmother always being so warm and all of them being happy to see me and never feeling uncomforable around them like I could be with the rest of my extended family or even with my parents and brother sometimes.
- Jesus Christ I needed this. My maternal grandmother died in November 2010 (right before I graduated and it fucking killed me; there's also a load of guilt there but that's something to sort out later with my therapist if I ever get the balls for it), my grandfather in September of the following year, and my other grandmother December 2013. So it's been a while. I don't typically think about them except for like, the random memories that pop up from time to time. But like, I know they loved me and yet until I had to sit here for this question and think of someone who does, I don't know that it actually occured to me that they did? Not quite that I took it for granted that they did, but I guessing putting it into words like that? Like actually acknowledging right now that these people did love me? And writing out how I know that. And fuck me, now I'm getting uncomfortable again thinking about the fact that people love me.

It's almost 3 am so I'm just going to go to bed now. Considering I've been complaining about sleep and all that.

Owlet · June 11, 2016

I hope you're asleep now and not reading this, but naaaawww that was a really nice post. Even though it was sad, somehow it gave me the warm n fuzzies reading about your grandparents. I'm glad you had the opportunity to realise how much they loved you. As for friends - don't ever think you're bothering people by reaching out to them. My boyfriend has this attitude a bit and honestly, I think the vast majority of people are too scared to reach out to others and are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Humans crave connection so when you openly demonstrate you think someone is cool enough that you want to spend time with them, most people will be stoked and warm towards that attention. And if they don't, fuck it. Find someone who is worthy of your attention. Sweet challenge thing!

Owlet · June 11, 2016

P.s, lovely photo

NeverThatBored · June 11, 2016

Seconded! It's really touching hearing about your grandparents. They sound like great people.

Sylvaa · June 11, 2016

Your maternal grandmother is the type of person I want to be for my kids (and my grandkids when we get there).

I am so glad you are doing this challenge with me! Also, I get you on the friends thing and the people have to love you thing and the parents thing. Actually, I get you on the food thing too. (Maybe I should start talking to your therapist, we can compare notes and start saving some money)

You look very pretty in your picture too - I think that would be a favorite of mine!

Lara · June 11, 2016

On 8/6/2016 at 9:03 PM, fleaball said:

her: What if you told yourself you can't go on that board until you've worked out on a given day? I bet they'd hold you to that and no one would reply to you until you said you'd done it.

This is a cruel, cruel thing.

Lara · June 11, 2016

What a beautiful post!!

RES · June 11, 2016

<3

Sorry I'm late to the party...

fleaball · June 11, 2016

Ugh I'm really glad it was super late at night when I wrote that, because I can totally blame it on the time or something. I woke up and thought about it and immediately felt uncomfortable. Vaguely glad to have thought about it and shared it, but emotions are icky.

Fell asleep after 4am. Woke up at 9-ish, decided that was not fucking happening, and proceeded to roll around in that "pretty sure I'm not asleep but I'm also definitely not fully conscious" state until almost 2. Not a habit I want to get into, but I feel much better after those extra hours of quasi-sleep. I'm probably fucked for tomorrow because I have animal shelter training at 10am but I'll deal with that later. Not going to the parade because heat and crowds and bleh. But I also realized I don't feel the same desire to go as I did at home. I always felt like I couldn't go because my father's a cop and while he never had to work this particular parade, he clearly knew when it was. And since I never left the house to do much, especially to go in town, my parents always asked a million questions. (Not from a controlling standpoint, but more "this is totally out of the ordinary for you, what gives?") So coming up with an excuse that like, I desperately wanted to go to lunch on a weekend during tourist season never seemed plausible. I could have fucking done it and they probably wouldn't have asked even if they somehow suspected I was going to Pride, but whatever. tl;dr I live here now and I'm out so it doesn't seem like the huge deal that it was when I was at home. And I still have to do that 20 minutes of outside-ing for the challenge today. Right now it's 93 but feels like 99 with humidity, so we're going to be waiting a while.

12 hours ago, Owlet said:

I hope you're asleep now and not reading this, but naaaawww that was a really nice post. Even though it was sad, somehow it gave me the warm n fuzzies reading about your grandparents. I'm glad you had the opportunity to realise how much they loved you. As for friends - don't ever think you're bothering people by reaching out to them. My boyfriend has this attitude a bit and honestly, I think the vast majority of people are too scared to reach out to others and are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Humans crave connection so when you openly demonstrate you think someone is cool enough that you want to spend time with them, most people will be stoked and warm towards that attention. And if they don't, fuck it. Find someone who is worthy of your attention. Sweet challenge thing!

9 hours ago, Owlet said:

P.s, lovely photo

I was definitely awake but made myself put down the phone and go to bed lol. I know I need to get over thinking I'm bothering people. Volunteering at the animal shelter is like, my way of tricking myself into meeting people. I told myself it's so I can go play with kitties that need love, but there will definitely be people there as well and I can't tell myself I'm intruding on their meetup group or whatever because they're also there for the animals. Baby steps haha. And thanks

7 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

Seconded! It's really touching hearing about your grandparents. They sound like great people.

6 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Your maternal grandmother is the type of person I want to be for my kids (and my grandkids when we get there).

I am so glad you are doing this challenge with me! Also, I get you on the friends thing and the people have to love you thing and the parents thing. Actually, I get you on the food thing too. (Maybe I should start talking to your therapist, we can compare notes and start saving some money)

You look very pretty in your picture too - I think that would be a favorite of mine!

I'm pretty sure you're already there. It's clear you love your kids and you've definitely got the crazy part down with the OCRs

You're such a terrible influence on me, I swear. First the Spartan, now this. And also I'm not going to forget you volunteered to run a half. Once I prove to myself I can keep up with a running program, I'm probably going to take you up on that. Because I am a masochist.

Thanks! It was definitely a post-getting-my-hair-done picture and I was quite pleased with it lol.

5 hours ago, zenLara said:

This is a cruel, cruel thing.

Hahaha I'm glad someone agrees with me. I'm gonna try to make it work though. Or at least not post til I've worked out so you don't have to make that decision lol.

15 minutes ago, RES said:

<3

Sorry I'm late to the party...

You're a little bit busy IRL. I think you can be forgiven.

fleaball · June 11, 2016

Ha! Totally forgot to address this: when I woke up and felt totally drained I thought, "damn I'm glad I cooked a bunch of food and went grocery shopping yesterday." Is this what being prepared feels like? I've got a bunch of shit pre-made, plus snacks, plus things I can easily throw together for meals as well. Crazy.

Bookish Badger · June 11, 2016

O hai! Following.

Sylvaa · June 12, 2016

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

You're such a terrible influence on me, I swear. First the Spartan, now this. And also I'm not going to forget you volunteered to run a half. Once I prove to myself I can keep up with a running program, I'm probably going to take you up on that. Because I am a masochist.

Just FYI, I've started looking into the Rock N Roll half.

fleaball · June 12, 2016

24 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Just FYI, I've started looking into the Rock N Roll half.

Omg it passes a block from my current house. But our lease is up in December so I may not live here anymore. Womp.

So I planned on taking a grumpy selfie when I got back but it was so gross out I stripped immediately. (And no, I will not take a selfie anyway.)

dear everyone else, I totally fulfilled the rest of today's challenge. Someone called me out on Instagram so I went for a run. Forgot my damn Fitbit as usual and definitely forgot bug spray, but I survived. And my ankle was only mad at me when I ran on what wound up being dirt and not an actual sidewalk.

Im gonna go make a smoothie now and hope it masks the world's grossest protein powder.

Sylvaa · June 12, 2016

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

So I planned on taking a grumpy selfie when I got back but it was so gross out I stripped immediately. (And no, I will not take a selfie anyway.)

Disappointed Sylvaa is disappointed (with the lack of selfie - not the run!). Super proud of you!

RES · June 12, 2016

19 minutes ago, fleaball said:

So I planned on taking a grumpy selfie when I got back but it was so gross out I stripped immediately. (And no, I will not take a selfie anyway.)

And just like that folks...

fleaball · June 12, 2016

1 minute ago, RES said:

And just like that folks...

what is this even supposed to be?

fleaball · June 12, 2016

Fuck me. There was just a bug crawling on me and I brushed it off before I saw what it was or where it went. Of course since I pulled out a watch from bed bug purgatory for my run I'm paranoid as fuck. T_T

NeverThatBored · June 12, 2016

42 minutes ago, fleaball said:

what is this even supposed to be?

You burst her bubble?

NeverThatBored · June 12, 2016

Also yay for running!

fleaball · June 12, 2016

2 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

You burst her bubble?

...clearly I ruined some brain cells while running because that should've been extremely obvious.

RES · June 12, 2016

28 minutes ago, fleaball said:

...clearly I ruined some brain cells while running because that should've been extremely obvious.

you said it.... :onthego:

fleaball · June 12, 2016

Welp. This training is going to suck balls. My alarm is going off in 4 hours and I haven't been to sleep yet. There's a strong possibility I won't sleep at all. I'm physically exhausted but my brain won't shut down. On top of that, I'm still freaked out about the thing that was probably not a bed bug. Every phantom itch has me jumping, I've gotten up at least 3 times to go inspect myself in the mirror, and I've even lifted up my mattress to check it (no evidence). I'm not even mad, just extremely annoyed. >>

fleaball · June 12, 2016

Dammit. Sunday is usually the day I weigh myself, and today I was gonna take measurements and photos too. Except I totally forgot between being sleep deprived and having to get up and get ready for that damn training.

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