Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Oh no, sorry! More hugs!

oh no worries. It's all me. There are certain topics that have been making me cry all week without fail and I'm too dumb to avoid them at inconvenient times. 

[Beals]

Hi, I don't know you and I'm sorry to jump in if I'm not welcome, but I can see you're in a lot of pain so I just want to help ease it a bit if I can... no obligation to respond, you can read and ignore, or message me privately if you'd like.

 

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

I don't know your mother, but do you think there's a possibility that she would rather have to deal with some difficult feelings herself than know that you will spend the rest of your life wondering if she accepted you for who you are? And if your brother reckons she'd be fine about it, maybe roll with that. I don't think you need to explain why you've waited this long either - coming out is a really big deal and people do it when they're ready, whenever that is. You don't need to mention why you haven't felt comfortable telling her or why you're doing it now. Just say 'hey Mum, it's really important to me that you know this thing about me'. Just my 2 cents, which you can toss to the wind as you please  Hugs!

 

I really like what Owlet has said. Dealing with something like what you and your mom are going through tends to put things in perspective a bit. It makes sense why you're worried about hurting her for not telling her sooner, and you're a lovely person for worrying about it, but she'll probably (hopefully?) just be grateful that you're telling her now. You both have a lot of serious issues on your plate- opening up about this will (hopefully) be small potatoes in comparison (to her- obviously this is a huge deal for you). 

 

I can see that you're trying not to be selfish and are keeping your mom at the forefront of your mind when making this decision, and like I said, that's lovely of you. But, please remember that you are important too, and you deserve to take your own well being in to account. Please be kind to yourself and think of your own future happiness too when deciding what to do here.

 

NB: I didn't come out to my mom until I was 23 and she directly asked me about it (I suppose I could only say "sexuality is a sliding spectrum" so many times before she clued in, hmmm?). I can't say when I would have come out of my own volition, so perhaps my words should be taken with a grain of salt. 

 

Love and positivity from your fellow queer NFer. 

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Beals said:

Hi, I don't know you and I'm sorry to jump in if I'm not welcome, but I can see you're in a lot of pain so I just want to help ease it a bit if I can... no obligation to respond, you can read and ignore, or message me privately if you'd like.

Always feel free to jump in here. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm airing whatever bullshit on a public forum on the interwebs anyone is free to comment. So thanks for stopping by. 

 

I read your post but still can't comment because if I go back to thinking about it I'll cry again and now isn't a good time for that. But you and @Owlet both made me realize (remember?) that a recurring issue I have is that I always put myself last. I'll do whatever for other people even to the point of making myself miserable. 

 

Bleh. I'm currently trying to decide whether to do it tonight and just get it overwith or wait and talk to my therapist tomorrow and figure out what to do from there. This is so obnoxious.

[fleaball]

Asked my brother if I'd come out to him before. (I have a vague memory of telling him I thought I might be bi?) He said "no but no offense I kinda knew for years." Apparently he thought I was a lesbian but then was also confused because he remembers me crushing on male actors when I was younger.  He also said "oh that's not bad. I mean people don't really have a problem with that one." lol okay. Whatever you say dude. 

[Owlet]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

But you and @Owlet both made me realize (remember?) that a recurring issue I have is that I always put myself last. I'll do whatever for other people even to the point of making myself miserable. 

Ha, you and me both. Go forth and put Flea first! Within reason. I dunno. Lol at your brother's reaction though. Maybe it really wouldn't be such a surprise to your mother?

[fleaball]

Welp. I did it. I'm pissed that I cried, because I couldn't exactly say "I'm only telling you this because you're fucking dying" so it seems like I was crying about coming out period. If she had any clue before she didn't show it. She doesn't hate me but she's decidedly Not Impressed. Which, fuck, is possibly the worst reaction she could have had. Like I was prepared for a fight. I was slightly less prepared but perhaps hoping for positive acceptance and her being offended that I hadn't told her sooner. Instead I got an impassive expression and "well, okay. Whatever floats your boat, as they say." (Literally that's what she said.) So while I won't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happen if I'd told her, I'm currently wondering whether it was fucking worth it. The grass is greener etc., I know. But ugh.  

 

I have to go to bed now because I get up for the airport in 4 fucking hours, but expect an angry rant tomorrow or the next day once I've had time to process. Because I am already fucking angry but I'm too busy being exhausted and also a hot fucking mess over the whole cancer thing still. But I'm so fucking pissed about how this went down. Godfuckingdammit why didn't I wait. (For the record, I'd been sort of slowly inching toward it since last week and really appreciate the encouragement I got. I probably would have done it even if I hadn't posted last night or if no one had replied, just been less sure of the decision.)

 

Before I go though I do have to say this week was the absolute fucking worst for my mental health. Complicated by the cancer, of course. But I was almost instantly reminded of why it took me a year and a half to come back in the first place. I hate the way my family lives, my father and brother drove me up the fucking wall, and I did get frustrated with my mother at several points but I was trying to squash that for the sake of Christmas and dying and whatever. But now that I'm angry about coming out the anger from the rest of the week is seeping in and also leading to more conflicting feelings. 

[Owlet]

Ugh, I'm sorry it didn't go down so well. Well done for doing it though! Seriously. And heck, maybe the anger will help you deal with some of this shit? I always feel like anger is more empowering than sadness. Hope you got some sleep.

[Countess D'If]

Well, my darling. That sucks. But, you've accomplished something you've been wanting to do and have been scared to do for years. So, I say congratulations. I'm sorry about her reaction, but babe - you can cross COMING OUT TO MOM off your to do list.

[fleaball]

18 hours ago, Owlet said:

Ugh, I'm sorry it didn't go down so well. Well done for doing it though! Seriously. And heck, maybe the anger will help you deal with some of this shit? I always feel like anger is more empowering than sadness. Hope you got some sleep.

3 hours! Better than nothing. Maybe the anger will help, yeah. And shit, you just nailed one of the major reasons this whole thing is killing me and I didn't even realize it. It's the powerlessness/helplessness of it all. Because big picture the chemo's not going to do anything but let her live a little bit longer with potentially shittier side effects, and on a personal level there's literally nothing I can do about any of it, whether I'm in DC or home with them. Ugh I'm gonna have to explore that later. 

 

23 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

Well, my darling. That sucks. But, you've accomplished something you've been wanting to do and have been scared to do for years. So, I say congratulations. I'm sorry about her reaction, but babe - you can cross COMING OUT TO MOM off your to do list.

Thanks. As with everything else, I'm not seeing as an accomplishment but I'm gonna roll with it. It's funny, one of the reasons I'm angry about it is that coming out is a Big Fucking Deal and she didn't acknowledge that- no "thanks for telling me" or anything. And yet I'm turning around and saying it's not a big fucking deal that I came out to her. I guess maybe just because I'm not happy with the circumstances of it. 

 

I don't have the emotional energy to write up another rant right now. (Also it looks like the spoiler button is gone?) But when we were hugging goodbye before I went through security this morning she said "I'm glad we were able to have that discussion." With no context. I'm assuming she meant my coming out but like... ??? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean when you were a damn robot while I was telling you? My therapist brought up several points that my mother doesn't do emotions, we as a family aren't big on actual communication and especially not when it comes to personal stuff, she's got a lot of other stuff going on, etc. And I'll keep those things in mind because maybe they are true for this situation. But I've seen my mother happy in the past, as well as happy for me, and there was no trace of that in her reaction last night. It was more "I am terribly displeased with this situation but biting my tongue." So who the fuck knows.

 

A friend from school invited me to her NYE party the other day. I jumped on it at first but I texted her today and told her the situation because I might flake. I'm so exhausted after just 3 hours of sleep and then travel that I've been trying to avoid the entire subject since I got back from therapy. So tomorrow will really be the first chance I have to sort out my feelings and process all this shit. So I might still be too drained to attempt a party on Saturday. It looks like it's on the small side but I only know 4 people including the host, and another of those 4 people is the girl who kissed me at that club forever ago, whom I literally haven't seen since that night because we're not in the same classes and such anymore. And there's still lingering "ugh" over that incident even though it was 10 months ago and I need to get over it. But yeah. I should go out and be around people but at the same time I just spent the entire last week not just being around pepole 24/7 but also looking them in the eye and pretending I hadn't cried myself to sleep literally every night. So this might be a time where I legitimately need to skip a party and be alone. We'll see.

[NeverThatBored]

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

I don't have the emotional energy to write up another rant right now. (Also it looks like the spoiler button is gone?) But when we were hugging goodbye before I went through security this morning she said "I'm glad we were able to have that discussion." With no context. I'm assuming she meant my coming out but like... ??? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean when you were a damn robot while I was telling you? My therapist brought up several points that my mother doesn't do emotions, we as a family aren't big on actual communication and especially not when it comes to personal stuff, she's got a lot of other stuff going on, etc. And I'll keep those things in mind because maybe they are true for this situation. But I've seen my mother happy in the past, as well as happy for me, and there was no trace of that in her reaction last night. It was more "I am terribly displeased with this situation but biting my tongue." So who the fuck knows.

 

 

I think you're probably right. If she didn't know how to react and/or she's uncomfortable with emotions, she was probably trying not to show her emotions when you told her? 

[fleaball]

4 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

I think you're probably right. If she didn't know how to react and/or she's uncomfortable with emotions, she was probably trying not to show her emotions when you told her? 

It could go either way at this point. When we were talking about it I asked if she was upset and she said no, so I pointed out that she didn't look happy and she sort of shrugged but didn't deny it. So who knows. 

[fleaball]

Welp. Trekked out to an urgent care clinic in Maryland because the student health center is closed and all the ones in DC suck. Thought my ear infection came back again because it's been popping every time I swallow. Turns out it's perfectly fine. I know I don't do much with my free time but I'm annoyed at the loss of 3 hours of my life. 

 

Landlord came by earlier to pick up something for a friend. Asked how the house is doing. I mentioned the pilot light going out frequently over the summer and he was like "okay I need to get that replaced. You guys should have said something." So apparently I need to be more assertive slash I'm an idiot; my roommate said it wasn't something we needed to tell him about and I assumed that even if I said something he wouldn't do anything. Ugh. I asked if he'd ever had mold issues and he said no but it sort of sounds like if we find some and that's what's causing my cough he might take care of it. (I'm sure he legally is responsible but at least it doesn't sound like he'll fight it? As opposed to my old landlord whose initial response to the bed bugs was "just throw out the mattress and you should be fine.") 

 

I'm thinking I might not be able to waffle on going vegan much longer. Or I at least need to cut out dairy. When I was home I was eating richer foods with more milk and cheese and my cough was a lot more congested and just worse in general. That's some motivation to stop fucking around. Granted it could also have been aggravated by the fact that that house is a shithole but I'll take the clean-up-my-diet option. ...she says, on her way to Chipotle. 

 

I know adulthood is a never ending string of responsibilities but I'm so tired of dealing with everything. I just want to sleep for a month and let other people handle things. 

[Dagger]

<3

 

[fleaball]

Ha. My roommate spent the week in Montreal with her boyfriend and today she texted me saying she thinks I'd like it. And it's been on my to do list for a long time but first I kinda need money. And free time. But whatever. She also told me to look into a university there (that I swear I actually looked at for my current program but I can't find it on their website. weird) for a PhD. So I can ditch the US and then just stay in Canada? Which is kind of hilarious. She's applying to US law schools rn for the fall but it sounds like the law school at that uni might be a backup because she said she's going to learn French and their deadline is in November. And then she went and pointed out that they have a Gender and Women's Studies option for several of their degrees. Fuck me, I'm vaguely interested in it now. I'm sure it will pass in a few days but still. Ugh. How dare she. And of course the prof that would be the best one for me to talk to about this is taking a sabbatical this semester and won't be around. I'm not like, hugely interested in research and getting a PhD necessarily, but for some reason it sounds sort of appealing right now anyway? Meh.

[fleaball]

[fleaball]

Oops I Did it Again

[fleaball]

I've spent most of the day (yesterday, technically, since it's 1:45 am because who needs a reasonable sleep schedule?) waffling back and forth between "everything sucks why even get out of bed" and "8000% getting my shit together this year and it's gonna be pretty cool." I managed to be vaguely productive somehow, which surprises me. 

 

I deactivated my OKCupid account last week because that is not a thing I wanted to be doing under the circumstances. Now I want to make a new one and try again. (My brain just piped in with "hey asshole, you're 20 pounds heavier than you were this time last year" and proceeded to laugh maniacally at me.) I know I'll likely get matched with all the same people but I sort of hate my username now that I'm not incredibly drunk, and even though this is still a thing my therapist is prodding me to do I sort of feel like I'm doing it on my own as well? I still have all the same fears and concerns I posted about a few weeks ago (and still haven't been able to talk to my therapist about because of all the other bullshit happening, and of course she's on vacation this week) and those things will probably rear their ugly heads if anything comes up, but I feel like I want to do it now. Could it be a mix of reading impossibly romantic fanfic recently and also wishing had someone who's not just a friend to lean on while shit's going down? Probably. (Not that I'm specifically looking for someone for that reason. I swear. That would be a dick move.) I honestly doubt that anything would happen because I'm going to be both busy and stressed as fuck until May, but it's been bubbling in the back of my mind. The only thing holding me back is not being able to come up with a username tbh. Granted just making an account doesn't mean everything will fall into place but it would be a step.

 

Anyway I'm talking in circles now. The actual issue is that I was just thinking "I'm sort of in a good mood now" and also pondering the dating thing when I was hit with a massive wave of "yeah but your mother's dying." And it's a good thing that I'm already in therapy because this guilt is going to take years to get over. Mostly because it's largely unfounded. I feel guilty that I'm here attempting to live my life while my entire family is at home dealing with it. Never mind that she told me she'd rather I be here focusing on school and work and there's no need for me to go back to help at any point so it seems like going home for any reason would probably stress her out more than it would help. (I mentioned going back if I have a long weekend for Presidents' day, or spring break at the very least, and she just said "we'll see." And Jesus fuck I just realized I can't trust them to tell me if she gets worse at some point, and I can't trust that she won't pull some kind of shit not to let me know until it's too late so that I remember her as she was last week instead of however bad she gets in the future. Fuck. Fuck. That will kill me. I didn't get to say goodbye to my first grandmother because they waited too long to call me. I didn't really say goodbye to my grandfather because I was too dumb, basically. His cancer was too far along when they caught it and he didn't do chemo or anything, just stayed at home. My mother and I had gone over on a Sunday for coffee or whatever and he was in a great mood and everything and apparently that was like, the last burst of energy kind of thing. Later in the week he took a turn for the worse and everyone went over to the house to say goodbye and I couldn't even go in the room. I assume he knew I was there but as soon as we got to the house I just ran down to the cellar and cried until my parents and brother were ready to go. My mother told me it was okay because I'd essentially said my goodbyes on Sunday but it's not okay and I will forever be upset that I couldn't even face him. I think I was trying to avoid just bawling in his face but it doesn't matter because I still fucked up and I will never get to undo that. And honestly if I am denied the chance to say goodbye to my mother it will kill me. Regardless of how weird and strained our relationship can be it will ruin me if that happens. I told her and my father repeatedly that I want to know if anything changes and they said of course but I don't know if I can believe them.) 

 

Well that took an unexpected turn. New Year's Resolution: stop fucking crying every night. 

 

Anyway.  So I feel guilty for not being there to help, even if there's not much I could do and even though I was explicitly told not to worry about it and to just keep doing what I'm doing. And the thought of being- not even happy, just quietly content and sort of optimistic makes me feel even guiltier. I know I'm not expected to sit around in a dark corner crying until the day she dies but it still feels wrong not to be miserable 24/7. It feels wrong for my life to go on when hers is ending and my father's and brother's are being interrupted while they deal with the fallout. 

 

Haha fuck me, I just went to Meetup to see if there were any relevant support groups and there's one for women who've lost their mothers but the description is "This group is for all the ladies out there who have experienced the devastating loss of their dearest, closest friend and supporter, also known as mom. ... If you no longer have your mom (a girls' best friend), at least you can enjoy meeting new friends!" And honestly? Fuck you guys because that is not my relationship with my mother, and it's not a lot of people's, and fuck you for making me feel bad about that too right now. 

 

Jesus. I started this post an hour ago to say something about my brain ruining my happy moment by reminding me of what's happening, and look where I am now. None of the rest of this was supposed to happen. I'm going to blame the fact that I'm getting my period in 3 days and am therefore extra emotional. And I'm going to leave whatever thoughts unfinished here and just get my ass to bed because I can't do this right now. 

[Dagger]

I don't really have anything productive to say. I hope your other friends here have something because I don't.

 

What I can say though is that I love your new profile pic.

 

*many hugs*

[fleaball]

6 hours ago, Dagger said:

I don't really have anything productive to say. I hope your other friends here have something because I don't.

 

What I can say though is that I love your new profile pic.

 

*many hugs*

Hahahaha thanks, my profile pic is from August 2010 and in no way reflects me now. But I picked it because it was from a time when I was more or less happy with what I was doing and also a weight I would kill to get back to. So it's both a reminder and motivation I guess. 

 

And please don't feel bad. This shit is hard and there's not really anything to be said. More often than not there's nothing that can be done about it either and I'm just babbling in order to let it out somewhere. (Because of course I ever have my journal handy when these things come up.) The fact that you're here reading it is enough. <3 

[Dagger]

<3

[Sylvaa]

Dear Flea,

 

I am sorry I haven't been active on the forums through everything. I almost sent you a text, but didn't know how it would have gone over.

 

First of all, cancer sucks. I am sorry that you and your family have to deal with this and if you or your parents need anyone to talk to about options / programs / etc... let me know. I've got home care experience, so I can be of use with that.

 

Second of all, I think - regardless of her reaction - coming out to your mom was such a great thing to do and I am proud of you. I'm proud of you because you needed to do this. Look at you putting yourself first! 

 

Third of all, this is going to sound really callous, but live your life. Look, I get the feeling your relationship with your mom is kind of like mine with my mom - I love her, but we aren't necessarily close. Will it be hard to lose your mother if that is the end result? Of course! You are human. But (stay with me here), while helping through everything might help with guilt, it'll also strain your relationship and create animosity. The end result with your mother won't change, no matter what you do. But how you can look back on your relationship with your mother will be much better. 

 

Anyway, I am only a text and a car ride away. So if you need a friend / listener / wine buddy. I am here. 

[Dagger]

4 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Third of all, this is going to sound really callous, but live your life. Look, I get the feeling your relationship with your mom is kind of like mine with my mom - I love her, but we aren't necessarily close. Will it be hard to lose your mother if that is the end result? Of course! You are human. But (stay with me here), while helping through everything might help with guilt, it'll also strain your relationship and create animosity. The end result with your mother won't change, no matter what you do. But how you can look back on your relationship with your mother will be much better. 

QFT. I wanted to say something like this, but couldn't figure out how. I knew someone would be able to articulate it.

 

I might not be a car ride away, but I'm only a cyber second away. <3

[fleaball]

5 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Dear Flea,

 

I am sorry I haven't been active on the forums through everything. I almost sent you a text, but didn't know how it would have gone over.

 

First of all, cancer sucks. I am sorry that you and your family have to deal with this and if you or your parents need anyone to talk to about options / programs / etc... let me know. I've got home care experience, so I can be of use with that.

 

Second of all, I think - regardless of her reaction - coming out to your mom was such a great thing to do and I am proud of you. I'm proud of you because you needed to do this. Look at you putting yourself first! 

 

Third of all, this is going to sound really callous, but live your life. Look, I get the feeling your relationship with your mom is kind of like mine with my mom - I love her, but we aren't necessarily close. Will it be hard to lose your mother if that is the end result? Of course! You are human. But (stay with me here), while helping through everything might help with guilt, it'll also strain your relationship and create animosity. The end result with your mother won't change, no matter what you do. But how you can look back on your relationship with your mother will be much better. 

 

Anyway, I am only a text and a car ride away. So if you need a friend / listener / wine buddy. I am here. 

It's all good. I know you don't internet much when you're home and also everyone was doing holiday things. You can always text me whenever. I'm not shy about telling people if I can't/don't want to talk and will get back to them later. 

 

1. <3 Thanks. She's at MGH, which is apparently a really really good place to be at for GI cancers? Or something like that? As far as I understand it, it's so advanced in her pancreas that the only options are chemo or nothing and just riding it out. So she's obviously taking the former. There was talk of having a visiting nurse come in a few days a week depending on how she does with the chemo, but it might be a while before that happens because the house is too much of a disaster to let anyone come in and they wouldn't let me clean while I was home so . But I will absolutely hit you up if there are questions about anything. (Don't be offended if I never have a question to ask you, because we know they don't share information with me and also don't accept help from people. But I appreciate you regardless.)

 

2. It's so funny to hear everyone saying they're proud of me when I'm still not sure if I want to go back in time and undo it or not. I suppose in the long run it's better not to have the "what if?" haunting me. I suppose I'll just smile and nod for now until I can accept it. I guess my reluctance to see it as a good thing is tied up in the fact that I wasn't ready. These were not the ideal circumstances and as much as it was my decision to do it it also feels like I didn't really have a choice.

 

3. You're abolutely right but I'm going to need to be reminded of that. Often. I know if I were home I would burn out so fucking fast. Hell, being home for less than a week was harder than I expected. And if I were around I would try to do everything so that no one else would have to. Which is not a good philosophy in general and especially bad in situations like this. I need to take time to realign reality vs expectations. Like, when her mother was sick, my mother was at her side literally every day from the day she had surgery in September to the day she died in November, except for two days. It's unreasonable for me to do that because I'm 500 miles away working and schooling full-time, while my grandmother was no more than a 15-minute drive from my mother. My father, for all his issues with his parents, stopped in on them almost every day, but they weren't more than 10 minutes away either. So while they may be my only examples for how to deal with this, the situations aren't the same. I keep feeling like there's some standard of "good daughter" that I'm falling short of because I'm not doing things I "should" be doing. But there's not and everyone is different and I need to keep reminding myself of that or I'm going to crash and burn.

 

Wow that last response wasn't supposed to turn into a therapy session but okay.

 

<3 I promise to reach out if I need it. Thank you. I don't know how it looks from the outside right now, with me just coming in with these super upset rants and complaining about crying all the time, but I'm definitely not a complete disaster. I'm okay 90% of the time, until a wayward thought breaks through and I lose it. My internship kicks in on Monday and school the following week, so hopefully I'll be too busy to think about all this at that point. If I get advance notice when it starts looking really bad, I will probably hit you up. And/or after it's over. For now it's just sit around and wait. 

 

Huh. I guess that's the root of some of the issues I'm having. That not only can I not help while I'm so far away, but there's literally nothing that can be done anyway. Barring an actual miracle, there's no hope. The chemo will extend her life for however long she can handle it, and then it's over. Talk about feeling impotent.

 

5 hours ago, Dagger said:

QFT. I wanted to say something like this, but couldn't figure out how. I knew someone would be able to articulate it.

 

I might not be a car ride away, but I'm only a cyber second away. <3

<3

[fleaball]

I will not fight with strangers on the internet. I will not fight with strangers on the internet. I will not fight with strangers on the internet.

 

*drowns self in beer and goes off to read fluffy fanfic*

[Sylvaa]

1. All the <3! The nice thing about being around Boston is that there are so many good options for any kind of medical treatment. She'll be in good hands no matter what. (And I'm totally not going to be offended if no questions are asked - that's not really my style anyway).

 

2. Not feeling ready is totally a great reason to have wanted to put it off. But we can still be proud of you for saying, "I need to tell her, because I don't want to deal with my feelings if I don't get to tell her." That's like a huge thing!

 

3. I'm dealing with something similar with my grandparents, so I totally get where you are coming from. Now, in my case, it stems from still being considered one of the "kids" AND being far away, but I've already told my mother that I won't put up with guilt for not being around more. I don't know, my perception might be totally screwed, but I hate the whole, "let's be totally involved now that they are sick" attitude. Like, if you've waited that long, it's too late - I'm out. 

 

Also, I totally want to hear / see you fight with strangers on the internet.