Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

<3 thanks guys.

[fleaball]

Can I just say that I absolutely cannot fucking wait to graduate? I know the real world is full of fucking stupid people but at least when I get a job I'll only have to deal with one set of stupid people.

• Stupid virtual video captioning project - This week my assignment was due a day early and directly to the supervisor lady; useless team leader emails me "just a reminder it's due today, so when you're done just send it to me and i'll forward it for you." A) I'm aware and B.) No? And the week before we had to caption each other's videos. The one I got turned out to be the same exact video as mine, just with a different title, because apparently whoever uploaded them screwed up. But the nitpicking asshole who once sent me 4 pages of corrections (95% of which were that my lines were 36 characters instead of the maximum 34) somehow didn't pick up on the fact that his video was supposed to be about the Gulf Cooperation Council (Saudi Arabia, etc) and he captioned a video that was about ASEAN (Association of Southeast Asian Nations), featured the Foreign Minister of Malaysia, and never mentioned anything GCC-related once? 
• I just got an email about a group project due April 4. I skipped class on Tuesday; okay, I suppose I could have asked my group if I missed anything, but the same 2 people hadn't been to class 3 of the 4 weeks prior so odds were low. I got an email at 8:03pm today, Saturday, saying "on tuesday we agreed to have all our work done and meet for 2 hours on Monday. Hope you can make it." You couldn't have told me this before? Seriously? Yes, I pushed for us to pick a topic and get our shit together before spring break so I could theoretically work on it then, but no, I haven't done anything and no I'm not going to have it done by Monday because I have other priorities. In fact I'm not even going to that meeting because I have other things to do. Bite me. 
• Have another group project due this week that turned into just 2 of us. Not a problem. Except we're doing it on The Perfect Storm and my partner decided he was just going to watch the movie and not read the book. And of course the movie is not true to the book (which is a true story anyway). We met today and hashed out the presentation and it's going to be good enough, but I kept having to be like "no actually that thing you're planning to say is wrong and this is really what happened." So it's annoying to say the least. 

Haven't gotten anything else done on that massive research paper. Starting to get worried, because I don't even have anything to show her if I want an extension. Like, I can't say "look, I've already gotten the lit review done and only want the extension for the data." The latter part is 100% true even though I've done nothing else, but that doesn't change that I should have had the rest done by now and it will probably count against me.

 

Ugggggh school. I'm so done. And work's going to get massively busy in the next few weeks and pile on more bullshit. I'm so not excited.

 

I guess I should go do something school-related before bed. Although I'm really just tempted to see if I can stream Moana through Comcast instead. (ETA: Nope. No I can't. Fuck.)

[fleaball]

Aaaaaand I'm pretty sure I just saw a mouse run under my door? Brb crying forever.

[Dagger]

[Miw_Sher]

Hugs dear!

 

Inviato dal mio SM-G930F utilizzando Tapatalk

 

 

[Plazmotic]

On 3/25/2017 at 10:45 PM, fleaball said:

Aaaaaand I'm pretty sure I just saw a mouse run under my door? Brb crying forever.

 

[NeverThatBored]

1 hour ago, Plazmotic said:

 

 

THAT ORANGE CAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY BABYYYY <3 

 

On 3/25/2017 at 10:45 PM, fleaball said:

Aaaaaand I'm pretty sure I just saw a mouse run under my door? Brb crying forever.

 

And K is gone now, right? So you can't even use them to play pranks on her?

[fleaball]

On 3/27/2017 at 11:16 AM, NeverThatBored said:

And K is gone now, right? So you can't even use them to play pranks on her?

Finally fucking gone. Although she still has my key. I'll tell her I have a friend coming up and need it back. Will it do anything? Probably not. Mouse may not exist though. I haven't seen any evidence in the kitchen. I may have seen a weird reflection in my glasses or something. Every so often I think the bottom of the frame is something else anyway. 

 

Ow ow ow my wrist has decided it hates me now. I need my body to chill the fuck out for a bit. 

 

I don't know what else I was planning to say here. My mother didn't have chemo yesterday but this is apparently normal now. As in the kind they're using is designed to be 3 weeks in a row then a week break, but most people don't get the 3rd week for one reason or another. I misunderstood and thought that was just for the first round, but she said yesterday that it's for all of them. So I'm not concerned. All her test results were good yesterday except her bone marrow count was a little low (?) and her oncologist didn't want her to wind up in the hospital again. So all in all, not concerning. 

 

Lawwwwwwwl it looks like my group that met last night did shit wrong, based on an email the prof sent out. I haven't started my part so I'm not worried but they may have to tweak theirs. This is what happens when you start so fucking early before people start asking questions about it. But I was also smart and since I took the initiative to set up the skeleton PowerPoint I claimed the part I wanted first. Which is essentially discourse analysis, which is one of my favorite things despite that class (anthropology) being a dumpster fire. So I'm not concerned at all. 

 

Okay. Off to finish off the book I'm presenting on tomorrow. Womp. 

[Dagger]

I'll just pay cat tax since I don't really have anything else meaningful to add:

 

[fleaball]

I C A N ' T

 

Texted K yesterday to say I have a friend coming up and need that key asap bc it's our only spare. (Barely refrained from saying "after your broke our other one.") She says she thinks she can return it today since roommate didn't go to her thing last Saturday.

 

As I'm leaving for class, roommate texts and says K is coming by. To get a set of keys. Because...

 

"Hey I went to grab my clothes horse and drop off my key for [flea] and I ended up locking my apt keys your house key and my car key in the house. Can I stop by [where you work] and grab a set? I can run them right back"

 

I'm fucking dying of laughter right now. Because I'm gone and roommate had to jump on a super important call. And honestly it will take her at least half an hour to get here. I fucking cannot. 

 

I'm so disappointed I don't have therapy tomorrow. My therapist hates her and would love this story. (I'm also kinda disappointed K still had her phone. Bc she woulda been 100% fucked and just hanging out on our porch for HOURS.)

[Owlet]

Hahahaha

[Jarric]

Oh dear, poor K, what a shame...

 

 

 

[fleaball]

^ absolute best reaction to anything ever. 

 

So my mother's back in the hospital. Told me on Saturday she wasn't sure she'd have chemo this week because she wasn't feeling well. Got the chemo on Monday, along with some fluids. According to my father she was 'pale as hell.' I called last night and talked to her for no more than 4 minutes just to say that getting reserved seats at graduation might be an option so they don't have to climb the stairs in the arena and deal with all that crap. (It might be too late, I'm not sure. She vetoed it when I brought it up months ago but now I think she's realizing how limited she is. She also didn't remember that I'd mentioned it before. But the lady at the Dean of Students' office who's handling my case, so to speak, asked if that was something I wanted her to look into for me so I figured I'd float the idea again.) 

 

Anyway. Apparently last night when they went to bed she couldn't get warm. Like had several blankets and quilts doubled up and piled on her, plus a sweater and a sweatshirt, if I heard my father right. The heat in the house is already up high enough that when I was home I was walking around in a tank top and shorts and still warm. So that was a thing. And around 2:30 my father woke up to a loud bang. He and my brother (who doesn't go to bed until the sun comes up) went to investigate and she'd gotten up to go to the bathroom by herself and fallen, apparently just missing cracking her head on the tub. They didn't call an ambulance (??!!) but the two of them managed to get her down the stairs and into the car. She was pissed. I guess the worst she got from the fall is a skinned knee, but they admitted her anyway because she's got the same symptoms she had a few weeks ago with the stomach/whatever infection, where she's barely eating but when she does it doesn't stick around for long. 

 

It fucking figures. At the beginning of all this I was convinced she wouldn't survive until graduation, let alone make it down here. But she's been doing okay, the scans they took before spring break showed everything is stable/not growing, things have been okay. Not great, but okay. This past Saturday we booked a hotel for graduation weekend and this week she was supposed to call me so we can figure out their flights. And despite all the work I've been doing for it (checking on travel insurance, emailing people at school to find out about accessible entrances/drop offs/pick up zones, etc), there've been thoughts creeping in that maybe they wouldn't make it down. Which, okay, that's always been a possibility. When we were talking on Saturday she said something like "and if I can't make it you'll just have to tell me how to do the livestream thing and I'll just cry a lot." Which, really? Not a thing I needed to hear. So now I'm sort of back to "she's definitely not coming down." My program coordinator sent out an email yesterday asking us if we're coming to the reception after the ceremony and how many guests we'll have so they can order enough food. We're not locked into it, but they're trying to get an idea. And my response was essentially "lol idk." If she can't make it, I don't think my father will come down. Which is fine, I'd prefer that someone with a fucking drivers license be around if she needs them since my brother is a useless waste of oxygen. And honestly I don't care so much about them missing it as I care about what it would mean that they're missing it. I'll cry whether they're there or not because it will be either "i'm glad my mother's alive for this but she won't be for long" or, you know, she'll be dead. 

 

 

There have been other related thoughts floating around in my brain for a while that I've been ignoring because I haven't had time to sit around and cry while posting, but now that I'm already doing it I can't remember what they were. So now it's past my bedtime and I'm going to go finish Legends of Tomorrow and go to bed and wake up exhausted again because I was trying to go to bed early but that wasn't happening after my father called. It's not even that I'm worried that she's in a bad place right now. It's just... everything. Although someone needs to teach my father how to communicate because I got a text that said "hi, you awake?" so ofc I knew it was related to her and I immediately had visions of having to jump on the next flight out. Ugh. 

 

Right. Sleep.

[Dagger]

I wish there was some intelligent and heart-warming and great thing I could say. But at least I can't come up with one. All I can say is I feel you. I don't know what you are going through, because I was way too young when my mother was sick with cancer. And I don't have anything specific to relate to.

 

I guess all I wanted to say is I'm here. And I'll stay here for you. <3

 

[NeverThatBored]

 

There's not much I can say, but I'm really sorry that you're going through this. 

[fleaball]

Thanks guys. <3 I know there's not a lot that can be said and I definitely don't expect magic words to make it all better. I just appreciate that y'all are here/that I have a place to word vomit like this. 

[Plazmotic]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Thanks guys. <3 I know there's not a lot that can be said and I definitely don't expect magic words to make it all better. I just appreciate that y'all are here/that I have a place to word vomit like this. 

Don’t have much to add but wanted to say that this sounds like such a rough thing to go through, hoping that you get your best case scenario.

[Sylvaa]

 

Attack kitten hugs! Also, remember, if you need anything - I am just a drive away!

[fleaball]

Oh good. She has c. diff and a blood infection and will be in the hospital at least until Sunday. Whee. 

 

[Briniel]

I'm so sorry. Take good care of yourself.

 

[Owlet]

[Severine]

Oh flea, so sorry it's still like this. Cancer fucking sucks. At least the fall got her to the hospital in time for them to catch the blood infection hopefully before it's too bad. Please always feel free to rant or cry here. And if you need e-hugs or someone to paypal you a pizza, we're your peeps.

 

[fleaball]

On 4/6/2017 at 11:21 AM, Sylvaa said:

Also, remember, if you need anything - I am just a drive away!

Danke! I definitely remember. There's just nothing to be done at this point. 

 

6 hours ago, Severine said:

Oh flea, so sorry it's still like this. Cancer fucking sucks. At least the fall got her to the hospital in time for them to catch the blood infection hopefully before it's too bad. Please always feel free to rant or cry here. And if you need e-hugs or someone to paypal you a pizza, we're your peeps.

Yeahhhh. I'm vaguely nervous because when her mother died it wasn't the cancer itself but a UTI that got the better of her. My grandfather missed his first chemo treatment because they found an infection and he went very quickly after; I don't know if it was the infection or if his cancer was just that advanced. So 2 out of 3 of my experiences with cancer have not ended well when infections came around. I'm not dwelling on it, but it's still hanging out in the back of my mind. She was okay as of this afternoon though, so that's what I'm rolling with. And yeah, if she hadn't fallen who knows what would have happened. She had a similar GI infection the last time she was in the hospital (wasn't C. diff but was similar symptoms) and she was sort of suspecting that she might have it again but I don't know when she was going to draw the line and say she had to go back. There will be a lot of ranting and crying here in the future, I'm sure. You (all) are the best. 

 

Cut because more cancer/death talk and maybe people don't want to see it idk.

Spoiler

 

So this feels awful to say but I hope she's in the hospital when she dies. It feels especially awful because both my grandmothers died in the hospital after spending several weeks (10 for one and 6 for the other) there and both just wanted to go home but weren't well enough for it, and I can't imagine how shitty that it. One week in the hospital was more than enough for me. But honestly if she died at home it will ruin both my brother and my father. Because it means one or both of them will find her dead and neither of them can handle that. I keep thinking of the episode of Buffy where she comes home and finds her mother dead on the couch and yeah no, not good. My grandfather died at home and the three of them went over there when it happened (my father's cousin is a hospice nurse and was there, I think, and called everyone when his breathing changed) and my brother has said he regrets being there for it. I didn't go because I knew I couldn't handle it and while part of me feels bad (still guilty over the whole thing) I don't really regret not going. But honestly it would be one thing if they/we were at the hospital with her when she goes because that's a controlled environment but at home? Nope. And then of course part history there doesn't bode well for me: her mother died about ten minutes before my mother got to the hospital. They'd called to say her breathing changed and whatnot and my mother hesitated because obviously she wanted to go but didn't really want to go, and also didn't really realize the significance of her breathing changing. So she missed her. (And has felt super guilty ever since and apparently had dreams where my grandmother is pissed at her for not being there and also for being there for my father's father and not her.) And my other grandmother died like, a few minutes after my aunt and my father left her room. She was probably too proud to die while anyone was around but that still doesn't feel like a great sign to me. tl;dr though I really hope she doesn't die at home because I'm already going to have to pick up the pieces regardless, and I don't know what will be left to pick up if they have to find her. My father will probably think it's his fault for not watching her like a hawk or something. 

 

Also the night before her mother died my mother apparently had a dream that my grandmother was sitting on the end of her bed but looked younger and pretty and happy. I don't know if she told me what she said, if anything. But I won't lie, there are times I go to bed half hoping I don't fall asleep because I don't want that to happen to me. I don't think I could deal with it. Or for no reason at all I'll hesitate before turning a corner in my house because what if I see her there? I don't know that I believe in any of this stuff, but I guess I don't really not believe it? Like I'm not 100% "it can't happen and people are crazy." I've gotten weird feelings in certain places before but who knows, that could just be my anxiety driving me crazy. (I think I've said this before but about 9 months after my grandfather died, my uncle got my deaf grandmother an iPad so we could email her and check in, since she'd conveniently forget to check the text messages on the cell phone and refused to learn how to use a computer. I was in the study cleaning up the ancient computer [which he always wanted to watch me do and would always ask why I was doing what I was doing or why I was deleting or changing things] and setting up the router and the room just felt really off. The house was empty because everyone was out watching the Bunker Hill Day Parade and I wound up cranking up my ipod because I was so uncomfortable. And eventually I felt really stupid but I said something like "look I know you don't like it when I do things on the computer without explaining them but I'm just making it run a little better so I can set this up and we can keep an eye on Gram." And I swear to god it cleared up. Completely. Was it all in my head and did I just make myself feel better saying that? Who knows.) But yeah. I'm not like, keeping myself awake all night to avoid it or anything but there are definitely times, like when she's in the hospital or has told me she's not really feeling well, that I sort of hesitate because holy shit if that were to happen to me I would have a fucking heart attack. 

 

I don't mean to be talking so much about when she dies like I'm just sitting around waiting for it to happen, but that's more of a reality than her making it through at this point. Yes, at some point someone has to be the first person to not die from pancreatic cancer but that will probably be a person in better health to begin with, who doesn't get knocked completely on their ass every time they have chemo (and she couldn't take the more effective kind in the first place), and who doesn't live in a shit hole house that should probably audition for Hoarders. I'm not counting down the days or anything, but the 1-year survival rate is something like 5% I think I said? And it's been 3.5 months since she was diagnosed? Which is why I was doubtful about graduation in the first place. And now maybe it's just the timing, that she's the sickest she's been and we'd just started making graduation plans, but I feel like I stopped being realistic at some point and was misguided in letting myself hope. She's outlasted both my father's parents in terms of time from diagnosis-death. Her own mother was apparently dianosed in May, although no one told me until the beginning of September when she had surgery and I only found this out this past Christmas, and died in mid-November. So I guess I was getting sort of less pessimistic about it as she went on. But now I don't know. I'm in this weird kind of limbo. I can't be there to see what's happening, how well she is or isn't doing on a given day. So I just have to go about my life and remember to keep breathing every time I see my father calling. But I hate not being able to do anything and I need to plan and make things happen, so I'm already in the future. One of the first things I did when I came back from Christmas was call Verizon and find out what happens when she dies since the account's in her name. Several times I've been listening to music and realized I have no idea what the fuck to do for her Mass. I don't know her favorite hymns or psalms or whatever the fuck else you have to pick. I don't know what outfit to bury her in, or where she even keeps her nice clothes. I don't know what to bury her with, if anything. We buried her mother (I say we but I wasn't there) with two shawls that had been made for her and also a stuffed animal I gave her that she apparently loved the hell out of. I know it's not a requirement to bury people with special things but it's a thing I'm thinking about. Because I need something to do. And these decisions have to be made so quickly and my father's going to struggle. Which I don't mean to belittle him or anything. But when each of his parents died he was in a fog for the whole thing. Especially his mother, whom he'd had a super contentious relationship with. And while I guess things have sort of changed a bit between my parents recently, we'd been expecting them to get divorced forever. Like we were waiting for it in high school and figured they were just waiting for us both to go to college. So there's at least a lot of shit to work through that he won't be able to deal with, and a lot more going on. 

 

And I'm still mad that she doesn't have a will. I know it's simple on paper, at least, and last time I checked Massachusetts law 50% of your stuff goes to your spouse and the rest gets split between children but all their stuff is joint anyway and she doesn't have anything in her own name except a pair of credit cards, but still. I know no one wants to thinking about dying but for five years I've been asking them both to get their shit together. And now this is something that I'll have to deal with. Because my father will probably wind up being the executor but I'll be the de facto person doing everything because he just doesn't do well with this shit. Or retain information. (He's always been like this, but in 2014 he was in a pretty bad car accident and apparently the shitty community hospital they took him to first didn't bother doing a CT scan and neither did the other one he was transferred to but he's been worse since then so we're wondering if there wasn't damage done.) And I am just... I'll be okay handling things. Give me a task and I'll do it. It'll be the emotional stuff I have trouble with, like wanting to call her to complain and realizing oh right, I can't. But I feel like there will be unnecessary work to be done because she's chosen just to let us handle it. And I'm so mad. 

 

Right. Giving up and going to bed. And hoping I don't dream.

 

 

[fleaball]

Just kidding. Can't go to bed. Just checked twitter and one of the fucking ads was something from a fucking horror movie and apparently I'm not leaving this room tonight. 

[Dagger]