Battle Kitten: Ascension

[NeverThatBored]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Got that transcription job. I'm not excited about it, I'm not proud of myself for it, I'm not having any kind of proper reaction to it. Just "great, one more thing to keep track of." This is fun.

 

Dude, that's awesome!! It's too bad you're not feeling it, but it's still great.

[fleaball]

The universe does not want me to go to therapy. First the waiting on insurance only to find out it won't cover the one I want to go see. I emailed someone on Thursday to ask if she's taking new patients, haven't heard back yet. Trying to email someone else now through Psychology Today and the thing appears to have frozen. I clicked "Send Email" and it's not clickable anymore but it also hasn't done anything for several minutes. I'll close the window and try again but this is a fucking nightmare for someone with anxiety: did it go through? Is she going to think I'm an idiot if I send it again? What if it goes through a dozen times? Yeah she'll think I'm an idiot. Hooray. 

 

Okay. Tried again and the captcha keeps timing out so I don't even think it's trying. FUCK. 

 

lawl, tried in incognito mode and deleted 12 words even though I was already under the 200-word max and it went through on the first try. The fuck. 

 

Anyway speaking of idiots, my brother waited until he was out of Adderall on Friday to try to refill the prescription, and his insurance denied it because it involved too many pills? His doctor has been writing it for 4 10mg pills per day (2 pills twice a day) for years and all of a sudden they won't fill it. So he had to call and ask the guy to write it for 20mg pills but the guy didn't get back to him til after COB today, so he's gone since Friday without it and basically spent the whole time sleeping. (He takes it to wake him up/give him energy. I swear my mother told me he had ADHD and he says he doesn't, but given the source of my information I guess it's not surprising she was wrong.) So he asked me earlier "if I pay you will you drive me over there to pick up the new prescription?" And maybe it's just because of the money issues I'm having but that really hit a nerve for me today? The first time he proposed that after she died he was like "I'd have to pay for an uber anyway so I'd rather just give you the money." Like he's recognizing that he's a pain in the fucking ass when it comes to this. But right now part of me wants to be like "fuck you I don't want your money." But I also don't want to set a precedent of chauffeuring him around like my mother did. It pissed me off enough that the other night when I came home to pee during a night of driving, he was like "hey can you drop me off at CVS?" He walked home, but it's literally less than a 5-minute walk. 

 

Also, I'm an asshole: (and also TMI?)

Spoiler

Part of me is just waiting for him to drop dead and wondering why he doesn't just hurry up and do it. Sometimes I honestly question how he's still alive. For medical reasons, I mean.

• He takes the aforementioned Adderall, has at least one energy drink daily if not two, and otherwise lives on Mountain Dew. And has for years. Mountain Dew was both our favorite soda going back to grade school and he's been drinking it like water for over a decade. 
• Due to whatever weird fucking undiagnosable GI issues he has, he can barely eat anything without getting sick (from one end or the other). He's constantly vomiting. Between that and acid reflux that even intense prescription-strength medication can't control, his throat has to be in shreds. I've texted him from my room on several occasions when it's been really bad to ask if he wants to go to the ER. He always says no, but he comes out shaking and covered in sweat. Apparently he does sometimes get the coffee grounds-looking stuff in his vomit and doesn't care. (I don't know what that is other than that it's bad and you're supposed to go to the hospital. Blood? I guess I don't really care.)
• Since he can't eat much and can't hold in what he does it, he apparently gets light-headed/dizzy/faint on a fairly regular basis. 
• He pretty much lives on bagels with cream cheese, cocoa puffs with 1% milk that he doesn't even drink when he's done, jello, and gummy bears. And Mountain Dew. 

He's also fairly blase about "meh I'm gonna die soon anyway." So I'm just sitting here wondering how his heart hasn't given out yet and when it's going to and why doesn't it just get it overwith. Or when he's finally going to throw up an entire internal organ or something. I'm not going around thinking "wow I wish you were dead" but sometimes I do find myself wondering why he's still alive. I know it doesn't sound like there's a difference, but meh. Although I will admit, I've asked him to put beneficiaries on his bank accounts (they're joint with my mother so when she was alive it wasn't an issue) and istg if he dies before doing it (lbr he never will, unless maybe he finds out ahead of time that he's only got X time left, but that's also unrealistic because he never goes to the doctor) and my father tries to lay claim to all of that money as well I will flip my shit. 

 

But anyway. Now I have to go to bed and get up stupid early to take him to get his stupid prescription.

[Sylvaa]

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Also, I'm an asshole: (and also TMI?)

 

I do not think that makes you an asshole at all. 

 

I think most people have at least one person in their life who you can literally see make horrible decisions and impact their health. And you know there is nothing you can do except watch because until something really horrible happens, they aren't going to do anything differently. And it's sad, and hard to watch, but you can't make anyone make changes if they don't want to. 

 

So you do you and charge him for being his ride!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Coffee ground emesis is indicative of an upper GI bleed, often some sort of ulcer. Given his history of acid reflux and vomiting it's not surprising. All the acid in Montain Dew and energy drinks probably doesn't help.

[TGP]

agree strongly with sylvaa on this.

its sad and painful to watch someone in misery for health problems they could have avoided with a healthier lifestyle.  add the "pleasant personality" most people are when they feel awful it can be quite a burden.

 

feel free to vent in any healthy way to cope with the stress. 

 

the key is to free yourself from being ruined psychologically and physically from their experiences.  if you're here you are making an outright and bold push to be an exception to the rule, that modern life must drag your in its own misery.  

or at least that is how I see it.

[fleaball]

UGGGGGGH the woman I emailed last night isn't taking new patients. She recommended several people to me but wtf. Why does this have to be such an obnoxious process? (lulz I just checked them all out and NONE of them are in-network for me. I think I just found someone else who looks decent but she's in a location that's super shitty with no parking. Argh.)

 

I also have to go driving for a while but it's raining and I'm tired. I didn't fall asleep til after 5 (whyyyyy). Also had Jukebox Hero stuck in my head for hours while trying to fall asleep, which was annoying. I need to shower before my brother gets up for work. I just don't want to do anything at all today, but that won't fly because that's exactly what I did yesterday.

 

Quote

So you do you and charge him for being his ride!

He went right back to bed when we got back but yeah, I'll be texting him tonight looking for my money if he hasn't already turned it over.

 

3 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I do not think that makes you an asshole at all. 

 

I think most people have at least one person in their life who you can literally see make horrible decisions and impact their health. And you know there is nothing you can do except watch because until something really horrible happens, they aren't going to do anything differently. And it's sad, and hard to watch, but you can't make anyone make changes if they don't want to. 

3 hours ago, TGP said:

agree strongly with sylvaa on this.

its sad and painful to watch someone in misery for health problems they could have avoided with a healthier lifestyle.  add the "pleasant personality" most people are when they feel awful it can be quite a burden.

I had a thing to say to this but it escaped my brain so I'll just make general noises of agreement in both of your directions.

 

Quote

feel free to vent in any healthy way to cope with the stress. 

 

the key is to free yourself from being ruined psychologically and physically from their experiences.  if you're here you are making an outright and bold push to be an exception to the rule, that modern life must drag your in its own misery.  

or at least that is how I see it.

There's a lot of venting here. Not necessarily healthy, but oh well. The rest will come later.

 

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Coffee ground emesis is indicative of an upper GI bleed, often some sort of ulcer. Given his history of acid reflux and vomiting it's not surprising. All the acid in Montain Dew and energy drinks probably doesn't help.

Gross. But good to know. Probably why he doesn't care about it either.

[fleaball]

Jesus Christ I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been sitting on my bed for a full hour now, wrapped in a towel post-shower, and made no moves to get up and do anything. The executive dysfunction is strong today. Like I know once I get out and start driving it will suck less. I just have no motivation to do it. If I were more motivated to be productive if I stayed home (job hunting, book reading, etc) then I would consider it, but that’s not the case. I just don’t want to do anything at all, regardless of what or where. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

55 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Jesus Christ I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been sitting on my bed for a full hour now, wrapped in a towel post-shower, and made no moves to get up and do anything. The executive dysfunction is strong today. Like I know once I get out and start driving it will suck less. I just have no motivation to do it. If I were more motivated to be productive if I stayed home (job hunting, book reading, etc) then I would consider it, but that’s not the case. I just don’t want to do anything at all, regardless of what or where. 

It's a crappy place to be, that's for sure. I hope you manage to get going. A variation of one o f the tricks I use would be to suggest to you that you get up to put on just one sock. One sock, that's all you have to do. See what happens.

[fleaball]

43 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It's a crappy place to be, that's for sure. I hope you manage to get going. A variation of one o f the tricks I use would be to suggest to you that you get up to put on just one sock. One sock, that's all you have to do. See what happens.

Made it out. The need to pay for my health insurance won out. I do use the sock trick though! Weirdly enough that’s one of the things I usually do. Socks first, then go from there.

[fleaball]

Oh. I’m getting my period tomorrow. That’ll do it. x_x

[Countess D'If]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Jesus Christ I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been sitting on my bed for a full hour now, wrapped in a towel post-shower, and made no moves to get up and do anything. The executive dysfunction is strong today. Like I know once I get out and start driving it will suck less. I just have no motivation to do it. If I were more motivated to be productive if I stayed home (job hunting, book reading, etc) then I would consider it, but that’s not the case. I just don’t want to do anything at all, regardless of what or where. 

 

I’m doing the post-shower lying on my bed wrapped in a towel thing right now!! It’s the best way to not accomplish anything. 

 

Even an though I have ONE THING to accomplish today. 

 

 

 

 

[fleaball]

Narrowly avoided a $200 ticket. GPS sent me up the bus only road at a train station. Thankfully the transit cop was super nice and just gave me a warning. I would have cried.

[fleaball]

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oh. I’m getting my period tomorrow. That’ll do it. x_x

*now. 

 

I have several days of 8+ hours driving ahead. Plus my first shift transcribing at 10am Thursday. 

 

Please kill me. 

[Countess D'If]

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

I have several days of 8+ hours driving ahead. Plus my first shift transcribing at 10am Thursday. 

 

[Bean Sidhe]

On 12/12/2017 at 12:45 AM, fleaball said:

Also, I'm an asshole: (and also TMI?)

  Reveal hidden contents

Part of me is just waiting for him to drop dead and wondering why he doesn't just hurry up and do it. Sometimes I honestly question how he's still alive. For medical reasons, I mean.

• He takes the aforementioned Adderall, has at least one energy drink daily if not two, and otherwise lives on Mountain Dew. And has for years. Mountain Dew was both our favorite soda going back to grade school and he's been drinking it like water for over a decade. 
• Due to whatever weird fucking undiagnosable GI issues he has, he can barely eat anything without getting sick (from one end or the other). He's constantly vomiting. Between that and acid reflux that even intense prescription-strength medication can't control, his throat has to be in shreds. I've texted him from my room on several occasions when it's been really bad to ask if he wants to go to the ER. He always says no, but he comes out shaking and covered in sweat. Apparently he does sometimes get the coffee grounds-looking stuff in his vomit and doesn't care. (I don't know what that is other than that it's bad and you're supposed to go to the hospital. Blood? I guess I don't really care.)
• Since he can't eat much and can't hold in what he does it, he apparently gets light-headed/dizzy/faint on a fairly regular basis. 
• He pretty much lives on bagels with cream cheese, cocoa puffs with 1% milk that he doesn't even drink when he's done, jello, and gummy bears. And Mountain Dew. 

He's also fairly blase about "meh I'm gonna die soon anyway." So I'm just sitting here wondering how his heart hasn't given out yet and when it's going to and why doesn't it just get it overwith. Or when he's finally going to throw up an entire internal organ or something. I'm not going around thinking "wow I wish you were dead" but sometimes I do find myself wondering why he's still alive. I know it doesn't sound like there's a difference, but meh. Although I will admit, I've asked him to put beneficiaries on his bank accounts (they're joint with my mother so when she was alive it wasn't an issue) and istg if he dies before doing it (lbr he never will, unless maybe he finds out ahead of time that he's only got X time left, but that's also unrealistic because he never goes to the doctor) and my father tries to lay claim to all of that money as well I will flip my shit. 

 

 

So not that this will help at all, but  Your not wrong. see below if you really want to.

 

Spoiler

my coworker lost her husband a year ago. His Acid re flux tore through the esophagus and he was dead before he hit the floor. He didn't have any real pain or anything, he just fell down. He wasn't that much older than me, which is the scary part when you have acid reflux. I have been making sure to take my meds now. I don't know if he had any of the warning signs your brother is having, but the coffee grounds are partially digested blood, so yeah, Tank is right, thats not good news.

 

 

On th good news side of the world, thankfully you got the cop that was understanding of what was going on.

[fleaball]

9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I feel like I'm missing a reference here?

 

9 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

So not that this will help at all, but  Your not wrong. see below if you really want to.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

my coworker lost her husband a year ago. His Acid re flux tore through the esophagus and he was dead before he hit the floor. He didn't have any real pain or anything, he just fell down. He wasn't that much older than me, which is the scary part when you have acid reflux. I have been making sure to take my meds now. I don't know if he had any of the warning signs your brother is having, but the coffee grounds are partially digested blood, so yeah, Tank is right, thats not good news.

 

 

On th good news side of the world, thankfully you got the cop that was understanding of what was going on.

holy shit. That's terrifying and I feel the need to clean up my diet immediately. (I'm taking my medication but it's not helping 100%.) I wasn't expecting something that extreme but I won't lie and say I'd be surprised if it happened to my brother. 

 

Yeah, I passed his car at about the same time I saw all the bus stop signs and just went "shiiiiiiiit." And I couldn't pull out immediately because there was someone at a red light blocking the driveway, so I was pretty sure I was fucked. I'm glad he took pity on me. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

7 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I feel like I'm missing a reference here?

Just a joke that work leads to money, the attempt was to say something amusing that would lead to you realizing there's a purpose in doing that stuff you didn't sound excited about.

[fleaball]

Anxiety is raging over this job tomorrow. I don't do well when I don't have all the information for a thing, and there's a lot I don't have for this. Basically all I was told is that I'm signing the employment paperwork, reading the style guide (which is a 2" binder and apparently you don't get to keep a copy of it?), and doing my first assignment. And that they ask for your availability for the next week by Friday afternoon and make the schedule based on that. Things I don't know: how long shifts are, how many you do in a week, if there's a min/max for weekly hours/shifts, will they hate me if I get a real job and have to scale back considerably, what the dress code is (this one I actually asked in my last email and it was ignored). There are other things I don't know that are bothering me too. Of course I'll ask all my questions before I officially sign on but it's driving me crazy. I know it's not realistic to have all the answers to all the things before I do anything in life, but this whole process seems kind of ass backwards and it's throwing me off. There was no interview process, just the sample assignments, and no chance to ask any questions. I could have emailed them already but the guy was very short when answering other questions and straight up ignored the dress code one, so asking in person is probably the best course. On top of all that, either the Craigslist ad had the wrong information about hours or I misinterpreted it (it's expired now so I can't check it) but they're not open on Sundays at all, so there goes my plan of working weekends. I could still do Saturdays, eventually, but there's no supervisor in the office that day so they don't put new people on until you've been there a while and are reasonably comfortable with it and have run into all the usual issues. I'm so close to talking myself out of it because it just seems like a clusterfuck. I'm not going to bail on it right now though. If it doesn't work out in the future I'll quit, but right now it seems like a lot of bullshit for a part-time job paying a dollar above minimum wage.

 

27 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Just a joke that work leads to money, the attempt was to say something amusing that would lead to you realizing there's a purpose in doing that stuff you didn't sound excited about.

Gotcha. Wasn't sure if it was a quote or something too. So I didn't make it clear but what I was actually complaining about was having to drive so much and start a new job while on my period. Because it's miserable. But yeah despite all the above complaining I know I need to do it if I want money. Boo.

[Emma]

Hang in there and go for it. You can quit anytime, but give it a shot and see how it goes. Dress up a bit for your first visit and check out what others in the office wear.

I didn't have an interview for my job either. They just tossed me into a van and I spent the day riding along with one of the other techs. The tech liked me and I was hired on the spot. All that other info came much later.

[Bean Sidhe]

12 hours ago, fleaball said:

holy shit. That's terrifying and I feel the need to clean up my diet immediately. (I'm taking my medication but it's not helping 100%.) I wasn't expecting something that extreme but I won't lie and say I'd be surprised if it happened to my brother. 

 

Now, he had been fighting it for a while is my understanding, but yeah, it definitely makes you look at something that is just annoying and go... well now that is a bit more of a priority. I didn't mean to scare you, but I did want to warn you.

 

Good luck today. Hope it goes well.

 

 

[fleaball]

Got less than 4 hours of sleep last night. Nearly bailed on this job 3 times before I left my house. Not going driving tonight because I’m exhausted. Got home almost an hour ago and while the job wasnt terrible and I managed to beat the rush hour mobs on the train, I’ve had an overwhelming sense of despair since I left the place and have been on the verge of tears. No discernible reason. Yay. 

[fleaball]

14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Now, he had been fighting it for a while is my understanding, but yeah, it definitely makes you look at something that is just annoying and go... well now that is a bit more of a priority. I didn't mean to scare you, but I did want to warn you.

 

Good luck today. Hope it goes well.

You didn't scare me, I promise. Like yes it's a scary thought and definitely encourages me to pay more attention to what I'm doing, but I haven't added it to my ever-growing list of "ailments I probably don't have but will periodically freak out about anyway." 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

have been on the verge of tears. No discernible reason. Yay. 

Umm, how about you are emotionally exhausted, haven't had a chance to process either your mother's death or the realization of what a not good job she did raising you, and tried a new thing today.

[fleaball]

Just now, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Umm, how about you are emotionally exhausted, haven't had a chance to process either your mother's death or the realization of what a not good job she did raising you, and tried a new thing today.

I guess you're not wrong. In fact I was about to make a post about a bunch of things related to what you're saying. But I still need to be reminded that this is a thing, I guess. 

 

I don't like it.