Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

So I've been doing a lot of lurking on r/raisedbynarcissists/ (thanks, Tank), reading books and internet things about emotional abuse (with a stack of other books waiting to be read), and just generally reflecting on my issues. And I am overwhelmed. It's turning out that there are so many things I need to work on. Habits, maladaptive coping mechanisms, fears/anxieties, and general things I learned from my parents that are not how functional human beings actually operate but I never realized it because that was my normal. Also there's a thing called Complex PTSD ("thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic") which fits the bill, and @Wobbegong pointed out that dysthymia is also a thing as well. It sounds like I'm going around the internet looking for diagnoses, but I swear I'm not. It's more like finding out that words exist for the things I've been feeling and going through, and looking for more words. 

 

My friend just checked in to see if I wanted a Christmas card this year. I started crying. Because fuck Christmas.

 

Anyway. I've basically given up on really trying to overhaul my diet and exercise while I'm living here. Or at the very least, until I've got several therapy sessions under my belt. Because there's just Too Much wrapped up in my surroundings. If I start getting up early in the morning to run, there will be comments made and the same questions asked all the time. If I start exercising in my room and the videos are overheard, there will be comments made. Even with the door shut, because closed doors mean nothing, and also because my door doesn't actually fit right so it's never shut properly anyway and can just be pushed open. If I start preparing food of any kind, after first trying to clear my father's trash and dirty pots/pans/dishes off the stovetop and counters, we'll play 20 questions over "what are you making? where did you get the idea? have you had that before? do you know what you're doing?" and then I'll get harassed over the smell of any spices, garlic, onions, etc. Even just regular healthy food - years ago I started putting peanut butter and a banana in my oatmeal, just because it occurred to me one day to try it. For weeks my father would ask me where I read about it to get the idea. Leftovers of literally anything in the fridge? "What did you make? How long did it take you? I'm going to get mad when you yell at me for asking too many questions because I'm clearly just trying to make conversation even though we go through this circus every single fucking time how dare you imply that it's oppressive and want me to just leave you alone?" And getting over it isn't just as simple as telling myself that I have every right to use the kitchen, or that I don't need to worry about getting shit from my mother anymore, or whatever else. Because there's a legacy of 29 years' worth of bullshit in that kitchen. And everywhere in this house. So tl;dr I will make good choices where I can but I've accepted that I won't make any meaningful progress on weight loss so long as I'm here. Deviating from the norm is discouraged at best and it's too exhausting to fight back. 

 

Still have not heard back from any therapists I've emailed except the one. I found another who looks good but doesn't take my insurance, of course. Her Psychology Today page says she's not taking new patients but it was last updated in April so I'm going to call my insurance company tomorrow to see if I have any option at all of seeing someone out of network somehow, and then shoot her an email and see what happens. 

 

Fuck it. I was going to continue talking about all the shitty things this environment brings out in me, like jumping at loud noises and tensing up as soon as I hear the front door, but it's 1am and I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night so that can wait. Not like anyone wants to read it anyway.

[Wobbegong]

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Because there's a legacy of 29 years' worth of bullshit in that kitchen.

This is so real though. A lot of people are talking about going home for the holidays and falling back on old habits around now; habits like eating out a bunch with their friends, snacking constantly, letting their parents handle all the work around the house, etc. Things that get them off-track. Location has a huge effect on behavior, and certain places or situations often come with a certain way of doing things. I think people underestimate how strong the effect is when we visit our childhood homes, since the rules there often governed most of our developmental years. For some of us they can be really hard-wired in. 

 

There is a force field around the kitchen at my house, too. When both parents are gone, I can break through the force field ONLY if I can be reasonably assured of leaving no evidence of my transgressions behind. But I seriously love cooking and would happily do it more if I could... 

 

13 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Not like anyone wants to read it anyway.

*raises hand* I do. I know what you're going through sucks, and dealing with it sucks, but at least if you talk about it here there's a chance someone might see it and recognize it and be able to point you in the right direction, or see it and empathize and be reassured that they're not alone. I've learned a lot about myself from following your struggles and been able to get started on dealing with a lot of tough things by following up on recommendations you and other people have posted here. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I think you actually made the right decision. Having lived with someone with a personality disorder, at some point you run out of fucks to give and just want to lay low and avoid the next fight. You'll have to unlearn that behavior in the future, but for now it is a legitimate survival tactic. You only have so much willpower, and devoting all of it to getting the hell out of there is the wisest course of action. Everything else can wait. The one thing I want to encourage you to do is keep posting on your battlelog, you need people validating your emotions and supporting you, and you need to vent.

[Countess D'If]

I just wanted to chime in too, because I’ve been a shit friend recently, I am reading your stuff. My heart is breaking for you. You’re not crazy. You’re family is toxic. You’re doing surprisingly well, given the circumstances because I would have burned the house down. 

 

I literally have no advice right now other than stiff upper lip, but that might just be spill over from my drama. I’ll try to think better, and talk better, and friend better, and advice better. But not until, like, Monday. Because right now EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!

 

(but FR SRS, I love you)

[RES]

20 hours ago, fleaball said:

Not like anyone wants to read it anyway.

[fleaball]

I was talking to a passenger about my job search and she gave me her business card and said to check out their website and she’d put a good word in for me if I saw anything I wanted to apply for. Unfortunately there’s nothing bc all their current positions are comp sci stuff or sales, but it was still cool. 

 

Will respond to other comments when I get home but when I said no one wants to read what I write it wasn’t “wahhhh no one loves me” it was more “I’m so negative and I should stop.”

[Wobbegong]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Will respond to other comments when I get home but when I said no one wants to read what I write it wasn’t “wahhhh no one loves me” it was more “I’m so negative and I should stop.”

We know. We just don't agree. You should definitely not stop. 

[fleaball]

On 12/15/2017 at 1:16 AM, Wobbegong said:

This is so real though. A lot of people are talking about going home for the holidays and falling back on old habits around now; habits like eating out a bunch with their friends, snacking constantly, letting their parents handle all the work around the house, etc. Things that get them off-track. Location has a huge effect on behavior, and certain places or situations often come with a certain way of doing things. I think people underestimate how strong the effect is when we visit our childhood homes, since the rules there often governed most of our developmental years. For some of us they can be really hard-wired in. 

 

There is a force field around the kitchen at my house, too. When both parents are gone, I can break through the force field ONLY if I can be reasonably assured of leaving no evidence of my transgressions behind. But I seriously love cooking and would happily do it more if I could... 

Point. But I'll be fucked kitchen-wise even when I move out too. Happened in DC even when my roommate was gone. Even when she was on vacation somewhere and I knew there was no chance of her coming home. I was constantly waiting for someone to appear behind me and police what I was doing.

 

On 12/15/2017 at 1:16 AM, Wobbegong said:

*raises hand* I do. I know what you're going through sucks, and dealing with it sucks, but at least if you talk about it here there's a chance someone might see it and recognize it and be able to point you in the right direction, or see it and empathize and be reassured that they're not alone. I've learned a lot about myself from following your struggles and been able to get started on dealing with a lot of tough things by following up on recommendations you and other people have posted here. 

This is almost exactly why I started openly talking about my anxiety and whatnot forever ago, because as a society we don't talk about mental health enough and because I'd seen people on here saying they had anxiety/depression/whatever but didn't want to mention it because they didn't think people wanted to hear about it for something. But I'm also just really exhausting myself because even though I do need to vent, it's all negative stuff. Even the stuff I left out of my post last night is like "i realized this and I'm glad I realized it! ...but I still can't fucking do anything about it so now I just get to dwell on that too."  >__>

 

18 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I think you actually made the right decision. Having lived with someone with a personality disorder, at some point you run out of fucks to give and just want to lay low and avoid the next fight. You'll have to unlearn that behavior in the future, but for now it is a legitimate survival tactic. You only have so much willpower, and devoting all of it to getting the hell out of there is the wisest course of action. Everything else can wait. The one thing I want to encourage you to do is keep posting on your battlelog, you need people validating your emotions and supporting you, and you need to vent.

<3 I read "run out of ducks" and laughed. So thanks for that, even if it was unintentional. I'll probably keep posting no matter how many times I say I won't, because I thrive on complaining.  

 

13 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

I just wanted to chime in too, because I’ve been a shit friend recently, I am reading your stuff. My heart is breaking for you. You’re not crazy. You’re family is toxic. You’re doing surprisingly well, given the circumstances because I would have burned the house down. 

 

I literally have no advice right now other than stiff upper lip, but that might just be spill over from my drama. I’ll try to think better, and talk better, and friend better, and advice better. But not until, like, Monday. Because right now EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!

 

(but FR SRS, I love you)

dude you've got plenty of shit going on, it's cool. <3

 

5 hours ago, RES said:

i love you?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

Point. But I'll be fucked kitchen-wise even when I move out too. Happened in DC even when my roommate was gone. Even when she was on vacation somewhere and I knew there was no chance of her coming home. I was constantly waiting for someone to appear behind me and police what I was doing.

 

That will eventually go away once you get your own place. It will take time, but you'll eventually realize you are alone in whatever place you get and be more comfortable. It probably didn't happen in DC because you didn't have the awareness then you have now.

[Bean Sidhe]

On 12/14/2017 at 8:49 PM, fleaball said:

You didn't scare me, I promise. Like yes it's a scary thought and definitely encourages me to pay more attention to what I'm doing, but I haven't added it to my ever-growing list of "ailments I probably don't have but will periodically freak out about anyway." 

 

I have a list like that. *hug* I didn't mean to concern you about you, but at least warn you about your brother.

 

And for the record. I am listening. I just don't always have anything helpful to say.

[fleaball]

I spent an entire hour helping my father put insulating plastic up over 3 drafty windows. I could have done it myself in half the time D: and now I’m back to having showered and just sitting on my bed trying to convince myself to go driving. I’ll go. It’s happening. It’s iust annoying as fuck that I’m doing this because the sooner I get out and hit my goal, the sooner I can call it a night. (Or keep at it and have to spend less time out tomorrow since Sundays suck.) I just really, really don’t want to go. I hate driving in general, my introverted ass does not like dealing with so many people in a day, and I have no way of recovering because my house is not an environment I can relax in. But I also can’t relax by hanging out at a coffee shop for a few hours or doing other things people typically suggest because those also involve people plus a sense of “okay am I done yet? Can I go home now?”

 

time to put on clothes and go get coffee. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

51 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I spent an entire hour helping my father put insulating plastic up over 3 drafty windows. I could have done it myself in half the time D: and now I’m back to having showered and just sitting on my bed trying to convince myself to go driving. I’ll go. It’s happening. It’s iust annoying as fuck that I’m doing this because the sooner I get out and hit my goal, the sooner I can call it a night. (Or keep at it and have to spend less time out tomorrow since Sundays suck.) I just really, really don’t want to go. I hate driving in general, my introverted ass does not like dealing with so many people in a day, and I have no way of recovering because my house is not an environment I can relax in. But I also can’t relax by hanging out at a coffee shop for a few hours or doing other things people typically suggest because those also involve people plus a sense of “okay am I done yet? Can I go home now?”

 

There is a lot of badassery in this post.

51 minutes ago, fleaball said:

time to put on clothes and go get coffee.

This is like when Aragorn Leeroy Jenkinsed the forces of Mordor.

 

[RES]

15 hours ago, fleaball said:

i love you?

 You're questioning your love for me *sighs*  

I love you, you know how I feel about you being down on yourself though,  

[fleaball]

5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There is a lot of badassery in this post.

What baddassery? Just deciding I need to go out even though I don’t want to? That’s less badass and more needing to pay bills. 

[fleaball]

Omg so mad. I could have been home an hour ago but I kept getting rides that took me further away despite having destination mode on, which is supposed to only give you rides along your route to your designated destination (eg home). D<

[RES]

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

What baddassery? Just deciding I need to go out even though I don’t want to? That’s less badass and more needing to pay bills. 

Nope, I agree with Tank, that's badass! Even though you have a lot of reasons not to you're recognizing you need to and doing it!

[Cataleya]

NF keeps unsubscribing me to random threads and it's annoying. I always read, I just often don't have anything new to add after everyone else has made such great points.

It is badass to get up and do something you don't want to do. I know way too many people who just complain. That's it. They just complain. They don't try to fix it, they don't do research, they don't try to do anything. So they'll have the same complaints or worse in ten years. You won't.

Yes, you complain, but we all do. Some of us have more negative things going on in our lives, so we complain more. That's okay. What makes us badasses is that we then do something about it.

You have a survival plan, and a plan to get out.

You will complain. You will process. You will search for answers.

You will get out.

You will then have a plan to deal with all the fucked up dynamics your family taught you.

You will complain. You will process. You will search for answers.

And then you will do something about it.

That is why we love you, and that is why we stick around. Face it lady: you're stuck with us.

[fleaball]

Hearts @ everyone. I swear you’ll get proper replies eventually. Right now I have to go haul ass because despite being out forever I had a slow day yesterday and have to make up for it today. :/ but hopefully still be back at a decent time to go to bed because I have transcribing gig in the morning and it didn’t go well on <4 hours of sleep last week. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

18 hours ago, fleaball said:

What baddassery? Just deciding I need to go out even though I don’t want to? That’s less badass and more needing to pay bills. 

That exact badassery. Do you have any idea how many people with situations way easier than yours just sit on their ass all day and do nothing. You choosing to do something even though you really didn't want to. You did what was necessary because it had to be done. Like Cataleya said, that's how we know you're going to make it. If you were going to give up you would have done it by now. That's the difference between you and your brother. You both feel the same temptation to give up and do nothing. You just refuse to give in to that temptation.

[fleaball]

MY FATHER BOUGHT HIMSELF THE THING HE TOLD ME TWO NIGHTS AGO TO BUY HIM FOR CHRISTMAS. 

 

Scarfing food and then going to bed because Lyft took longer than expected to hit my goal today. But I’m probably taking tomorrow off from Lyft because of going to bed late tonight + transcribing tomorrow at ass o’clock in the morning. So replies then? But this needed to be said. This asshole is impossible to buy for so I asked specifically what he wanted and I just happened to notice the same fucking thing in a bag in the living room. Jesus fuck. I don’t want to give him a gift card but I just fucking might ugh. 

[NeverThatBored]

8 minutes ago, fleaball said:

This asshole is impossible to buy for so I asked specifically what he wanted and I just happened to notice the same fucking thing in a bag in the living room.

 

Pretend you didn't notice?  

[WhiteGhost]

36 minutes ago, fleaball said:

MY FATHER BOUGHT HIMSELF THE THING HE TOLD ME TWO NIGHTS AGO TO BUY HIM FOR CHRISTMAS. 

Take the one he bought when he isn't looking, wrap it and throw it under the tree.

 

Boom! Done!!!

[fleaball]

36 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Pretend you didn't notice?  

That would work for other people. He would unwrap mine and straight up say "oh, i wish i had known you were getting me this. I just bought one last week." Tbh the shopping center where the store is is a total shitshow so I'd rather call him out on it tomorrow and just not have to go. 

 

9 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

Take the one he bought when he isn't looking, wrap it and throw it under the tree.

 

Boom! Done!!!

lol yes. If only.

[fleaball]

Got five whole hours of sleep this time. And overslept. And if this train doesn’t come exactly on time I will be late. Yay. I give up. 

[fleaball]

Ugh I’m not sure if this is actually worth it, in terms of both money and stress. :/ Obviously my opinion could be colored by being tired and grumpy right now. Will expand later and see if talking it out helps.