Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Bleh. After all the cancer talk I was like "yeah! Now I'm gonna work on losing weight and eating better so that I either don't get cancer or am in better shape to fight it if I do!" And that feeling has already passed. Womp. I mean, no family member getting sick with anything has ever really made me focus on it. Hell, me getting super sick a few years ago didn't really make me get my ass in gear either. Now I'm just grumpy again. 

 

Yeah, my mood definitely took a turn. I was going to write that I've been in a comparatively good mood for most of this week and am cautiously optimistic that I could start making progress toward being human again, and now I'm like "RAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR FLEA HATE EVERYTHING" and also am afraid that I will, in fact, be miserable and fat forever. 

[fleaball]

How dare you post the same time I do? 

 

1 minute ago, Severine said:

You probably know this but just in case: colon cancer genetic predisposition is actually no big deal as long as you know about it and get regular colonoscopies, because it's one of the most preventable/treatable cancers - it starts with polyps in the colon, which they can just cut off during colonoscopies.

 

Not sure if you know, but D's dad died of colon cancer. Part of what made the whole thing so fucking awful was that he FUCKING KNEW he was predisposed (BOTH of his parents died of it) and he never went and got checked out, and then ignored his bathroom-related symptoms for a long time when they started, so by the time they found it, it was super advanced and had already metastasized. He had a lot of feelings about that, as I am sure you can imagine. D's mum was pretty frustrated with him for a while after his diagnosis because he could have prevented it.

 

Anyway, both D and his sister were told to start getting colonoscopies starting at 30 and then every 3-5 years. D has had two now and they haven't found anything yet, but I'm sure eventually they'll find polyps, and then they'll remove them and then switching him to getting checked every 1-2 years. Basically it means you end up having a lot of colonoscopies, but nothing else (as long as you do them!) 

I did know, which is probably why I'm a little more nonchalant about it. Both my grandmothers had it but they were 78 & 85. The tricky bit is that the 85-year-old is my father's mother, and she had the weird thing (called Lynch's Syndrome) which dramatically shoots up the risk of colon cancer (which, okay, maybe not a big deal since it's one of the less scary ones) but also a shit ton of others, which I forgot about until I looked it up earlier. (Endometrial, pancreatic, and a bunch more. Womp.) 

 

I remember you saying that's what he had, but I don't think you mentioned how it came about. Wow, that's terrible. And sad. Old PCP also had my other grandmother as a patient and knew about the one in question; she recommended I start at like 40, I think? And just do it a little more often than is normally recommended? The one I had earlier this year was just to figure out if I had IBS or something else, but it came back clear (they removed one thing but it was totally benign). So yeah as much as colonoscopies suck I'm totally not putting them off and will make sure I stay on top of things. I'm probably more fucked in terms of other cancers. >>

[fleaball]

idk, have some more music

 

 

[Jean]

Hey! I had never noticed that the text of your signature came out of this song! I had yet to realise it too but you are an Elsa of some sort so, go you!

 

Also, since we are nearing it:

 

 

 

 

[fleaball]

12 hours ago, Jean said:

Hey! I had never noticed that the text of your signature came out of this song! I had yet to realise it too but you are an Elsa of some sort so, go you!

 

Also, since we are nearing it:

 

 

 

 

Those lyrics are only in the pop version, not the movie one, so it makes sense.  How am I Elsa? I don’t see it. 

 

Also yay for kitties

[Jean]

'Stuck' in her home, suffering from the burden of her duty to her family/people, keeping herself low, afraid to let the beauty inside of her shine.

 

... and then peeking outside and discovering the beauty of her power (your resilience).

 

[Countess D'If]

22 hours ago, fleaball said:

@Countess D'If is that you I see lurking? Hiiii I was going to post on your Facebook later anyway. 

 

[fleaball]

Holy shit? I’ll explain later since I’m out driving but is it possible that since  my parents made me responsible for their feelings, that made me weirdly empathetic in that I feel responsible for like, the entire world’s feelings and this feel those emotions more strongly? 

 

This post brought to you by me feeling intensly sad and guilty because my father is technologically illiterate and when I called to ask if he enjoyed the WW2 thing he went to he was grumpy and sad because he fucked up taking videos and now I feel like it’s my fault. Womp. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

51 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Holy shit? I’ll explain later since I’m out driving but is it possible that since  my parents made me responsible for their feelings, that made me weirdly empathetic in that I feel responsible for like, the entire world’s feelings and this feel those emotions more strongly? 

Uh, yes, that's exactly what happened.

[fleaball]

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Had a couple my age-ish and the guy's parents get in the car. Mom goes "oh look, I have a bunch of bug bites on my hand. Do you guys get bug bites at your apartment?" Girl says no, but sometimes they get spider bites once in a while. Mom says these aren't spider bites. And immediately every part of my body is intensely itchy and all I can think is "oh god she brought bed bugs into my car!!!" I've mostly calmed down and I know it's pretty unlikely that they were bed bug bites, and even if they were that doesn't mean they hitched a ride on the lady, stayed on her while they were doing whatever they were doing in downtown Boston for however long, and only decided to jump off while she got in my car. So there's that. Fuck bed bugs though ugh. 

 

6 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

 

6 hours ago, Jean said:

'Stuck' in her home, suffering from the burden of her duty to her family/people, keeping herself low, afraid to let the beauty inside of her shine.

 

... and then peeking outside and discovering the beauty of her power (your resilience).

 

huh. I guess that makes sense. Although I read "afraid to let the beauty inside of her shine" and laughed because lol nah.

[fleaball]

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

Holy shit? I’ll explain later since I’m out driving but is it possible that since  my parents made me responsible for their feelings, that made me weirdly empathetic in that I feel responsible for like, the entire world’s feelings and this feel those emotions more strongly? 

 

This post brought to you by me feeling intensly sad and guilty because my father is technologically illiterate and when I called to ask if he enjoyed the WW2 thing he went to he was grumpy and sad because he fucked up taking videos and now I feel like it’s my fault. Womp. 

So obviously this kinda piggy backs on last week's epiphany with my brother being a dick. But yeah. It's something I've wondered about for a while. When other people get emotional I have zero clue what to do about it or what to say. Like a few times in college friends would share something and start crying and I'd do something about as useful as patting them on the back and saying "there there." Couldn't dig up a helpful response if I tried. But at the same time, I always feel things super intensely. So when someone was crushed about a bunch of dicks not letting her into the fraternity for her major (they seriously fucked her over, it was terrible), I was super sad and angry for her. Same when someone said she'd been raped. Like, I froze, deer-in-the-headlights style and just had no idea what to do or say. But inside was just roiling anger and sadness and whatever else. I've actively been avoiding the news lately for the same reasons. I just can't handle all the feelings.

 

I remember in my social justice class junior year of high school we watched a movie about women's suffrage and even then I was like "I will never be able to be part of an activist movement because it's all just too much." It's not even a case of like, "channel your anger and join a campaign!" like everyone and their mom is tweeting all the time now. I would literally just shut down because of rage and feeling super bad for people and all that. It sounds like such a lame excuse when I write it out but yeah. 

 

Aaaanyway. So the other day on r/Boston someone mentioned some ww2 reenactment thing in a comment on a random thread and I looked it up and sent my father the link. He went today (it was like an hour away in the middle of nowhere) but apparently fucked up while trying to take video, which he also did like two months ago at some other ww2 thing and I have no idea what he did. (Thinking about it, I wonder if he's holding down the record button instead of hitting it once to start and stop? Will have to test this.) And then he was trying to use Google Maps to come home and I spent 10 minutes trying to coach him through it on speakerphone, because he wanted to go home the way he'd come because he'd passed some farm stands on the way in that he wanted to check out. He thought he figured it out. Then when I stopped driving to get dinner I called and asked how it was and immediately he's pissy and disappointed because he fucked up the video and also got lost on the way back (how?!) and when he finally stopped to ask someone how to get to where he wanted it was like 10 minutes in the other direction so he gave up and came home. Because he couldn't get Google to talk to him (HIT THE GODDAMN START BUTTON JFC) and "all I wanted was an apple cider donut but I couldn't even do that." And him being sad and disappointed made me sad and disappointed. Especially because I've shown him the fucking GPS app a million times. (We've tried Waze too but it was too much for him.) It's not my fault he's a fucking idiot. I know some people genuinely have trouble with technology but a good chunk of his issues with it come from the fact that if he can't get something immediately, it's because he's too stupid to ever get it so he just gets flustered and pissed off and gives up. (I successfully taught his deaf 83-year-old mother to send and check emails on an iPad, and she'd refused to touch technology forever until my grandfather died and she was told 'either send us an email every day or get put in a home where people can check on you.' If she could manage it, he needs to stop making excuses.) That's my venting for the night.

 

4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Uh, yes, that's exactly what happened.

I love when I realize a thing or even just say "I wonder if..." and you or anyone else is like "duh!" Even my therapist says it sometimes. (Nicely!) I guess if I'm realizing the obvious-to-other-people stuff, there's hope for me yet!

[fleaball]

Anyway, here's a YouTube channel that covers popular songs in Irish.

[Severine]

I think all of this, despite being shitty to realize/confront/think about, is incredibly useful and valuable and you are making more headway than you realize. Tank is right and you're awesome.

 

I think it's pretty clear that your dad, when he's reacting to whatever feelings he's having, puts zero thought or emotional labour into how it'll effect you. Like you know that thing where you feel sad or angry, but before you complain to someone, you like, stop to think about whether it's appropriate, and if you do decide to vent to someone, you think about how you can express your feelings in a way that won't be uncomfortable for them?

 

He doesn't do those things!

 

What makes it worse is he is capable of it. Like, I'm sure he doesn't offload onto people at work. But he sees you as a "safe" person to complain to and be angry around, where "safe" means he doesn't have to think about the consequences. He treats you like a giant feelings sinkhole where he can just dump all his problems and negativity and not worry about where they go or what impact they have. He's just totally oblivious/indifferent to the impact of his shit on you. Like your brother with his bizarre recreational vomiting.

 

So like, yeah some of this is the effect of your childhood, and the way it changed your temperament and outlook. And some of it is also definitely the result of him still being a selfish and inconsiderate dick right now. 

[fleaball]

I’m going driving because of a bonus today. 

 

It’s 2 hours later than I wanted to leave and I feel like crap. Whee. 

[NeverThatBored]

 

[fleaball]

7 hours ago, Severine said:

I think all of this, despite being shitty to realize/confront/think about, is incredibly useful and valuable and you are making more headway than you realize. Tank is right and you're awesome.

 

I think it's pretty clear that your dad, when he's reacting to whatever feelings he's having, puts zero thought or emotional labour into how it'll effect you. Like you know that thing where you feel sad or angry, but before you complain to someone, you like, stop to think about whether it's appropriate, and if you do decide to vent to someone, you think about how you can express your feelings in a way that won't be uncomfortable for them?

 

He doesn't do those things!

 

What makes it worse is he is capable of it. Like, I'm sure he doesn't offload onto people at work. But he sees you as a "safe" person to complain to and be angry around, where "safe" means he doesn't have to think about the consequences. He treats you like a giant feelings sinkhole where he can just dump all his problems and negativity and not worry about where they go or what impact they have. He's just totally oblivious/indifferent to the impact of his shit on you. Like your brother with his bizarre recreational vomiting.

 

So like, yeah some of this is the effect of your childhood, and the way it changed your temperament and outlook. And some of it is also definitely the result of him still being a selfish and inconsiderate dick right now. 

Yep, it’s definitelt good every time I realize something. Even if I’m the last one to realize it lol. 

 

I definitely didn’t think about my father being that way, but you’re totally right about it. Raaaaaaage. 

[fleaball]

 

I just had to call CVS to ask whether a 61-year-old man who can't remember if he took his cholesterol medication should take one now just in case or let it slide. He came in to ask me what to do and I don't think calling and asking the pharmacist even occurred to him as an option. (But wtf good would asking me do?) In his defense, he brought his melatonin and another bedtime medication to work since he was doing overtime and wanted to take everything on the way home to give it time to kick in, and was pretty sure he brought the cholesterol one and took it but can't be sure. This is also the 5th double he's worked since Tuesday, so I'm willing to cut him a little more slack than usual. But still. Like he brought the bottle in to my room and presented his problem, I said I'd call CVS while he got ready for bed, and then he just stood in the hallway watching me on the phone like it was some kind of novel thing? 

 

In other news, I got what I needed for my Lyft bonus. It's another one of those "give X rides by Thursday and if you don't make $Y we'll make up the difference." So of course I went out on a holiday to get 15 rides at minimum fares rather than go out during rush hour when prices are higher. >D Lyft now owes me $70 for the week. Whee. I'll go out more over the weekend and make more money.

[Bean Sidhe]

At least you had the thought to call the pharmacy. Not going to lie, I know a couple people who would just go "its fine right?"  and not bothered to even check.

 

Yay for driving. And money is good.

 

 

[fleaball]

Today is not a good day for Flea. Didn't fall asleep til after 6:30am. Alarm went off at 8 to call my doctor's office. She's not available this week but I have an appointment with the NP that works with her tomorrow, and I really don't like this woman. >> But my boob/side is still hurting in a weird way that's never happened before and it's driving me up a wall so I need to see someone about it anyway. Went back to sleep but kept waking up like every 2 hours. So between the lack of sleep, the "what the fuck is this mystery pain?" and anxiety telling me I'm dying, plus general dreading of going to the appointment tomorrow because I don't like the NP and I'm sure everyone's going to think I'm nuts, I'm just miserable. Whee. There's also standard family bullshit dragging me down more than usual because I just don't have the spoons for it right now. Plus it's 76F right now, which it should not be in Boston in October. I'm just so done for today.

[fleaball]

I got a flu shot.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

I got a flu shot.

Me too.

[Severine]

Me too.

Me three!

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

[NeverThatBored]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Me too.

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Me three!

 

Well now I just feel left out.

[fleaball]

Today in Flea Hates Everything and Complains about the Pettiest Shit:

 

Still miserable. Slept reasonably well but also slept wrong. Apparently I need to add a new mattress to my shopping list? Anyway, therapist emailed last night to cancel today's appointment because she's sick. Which is fine, shit happens, but I was grumpy because I could've gotten an earlier appointment with the NP and driven myself instead of taking public transportation home since traffic between the doctor and my house is atrocious on a good day and especially fucked up because they're doing construction at all 3 of the major intersections on the way + my route runs parallel to an interstate that people frequently back up traffic getting off and on. Took a Lyft to the doctor because it was 83F and humid in fucking October and I wasn't walking over a mile to/from the train stations to get there. The ride cost a few dollars more than I thought it was supposed to but I think I just looked at the wrong thing. Went to Starbucks first, obnoxious children everywhere. Walk up a hill to get to the doctor's office, get super sweaty and disgusting because it's summer in October.

 

Vitals get taken, I say I'm here because I've been having pain in my left boob and side, she writes that down. Nurse asks if I've had my flu shot yet. Fuck. It's been on my to-do list but I never got around to looking up which pharmacy chain takes my insurance for it so fine, stab me. Why not. NP calls me in 40 minutes after my appointment time. Starts off with "so I've been looking at your records and you just saw [PCP] not too long ago..." Well yeah, I didn't have this problem 3 weeks ago. But then she starts in like, recapping my recent history? Asks about PCOS - who diagnosed you, have you seen an endocrinologist, you should probably start taking metformin. (I'd asked the gynecologist who put me on the pill about metformin since I did some reading about PCOS before seeing him - his response was essentially "lol no.") She said because of the kind of pill I'm on my potassium levels need to be checked every so often and asked if I'd had that done recently. I had no idea. So she put in an order for that, plus new orders for the blood tests the GI guy put in that I hadn't gotten done yet, so I could get it all done at once since orders from a different location have to be done at a different lab in the building that was already closed. Come to find out potassium is part of a metabolic panel and yeah, if she'd looked at my recent blood work she'd've seen that that was done a lot. Meh. Then she moves on to my weight and have I seen anyone about that. No, trust me, I know how to lose weight and I know I can lose weight but my mental health is a clusterfuck. "Oh right. It says you've recently seen a social worker...?" My therapist is a LICSW, and I know for a fact it says therapist in my chart but sure, yeah. She asks if I've considered medication and I go through my spiel about that. At this point I'm wondering why any of this is relevant to what I'm there for. I know for a fact she's seen the info sheet the nurse filled out because she comments on my pulse and BP both being high. Apparently rating my pain a 4 and saying it's over a good chunk of my body doesn't warrant attention?

 

So she takes my pulse and BP again and they've both gone down. Tells me my lungs sound great. And then asks if there's anything else I wanted to discuss while I'm there. Uh, yeah, so my reason for coming here is that everything hurts? Explain the weird twitchy feeling in my boob, explain that my underarm/side/bicep (as of last night) all hurt, explain that I've felt myself up a number of times and I'm not sure there's anything weird there but could she please do a breast exam to confirm and then explain why the rest hurts. Side that's not hurting feels normal, she does the other side and "oh. hmmm." Wut. She did feel something in the same place I pointed out but as she continued she said the entire breast feels the same way so it's actually nothing and my boob is just weird. Then asks me how much caffeine I drink. Um? Apparently caffeine can make your boobs hurt. So her recommendations for me are cut down on caffeine and see if it helps, try wearing a bra more often to see if having the support helps (lady, I've spent the last 20 years wearing a bra as little as possible plus my boobs have literally been bigger than they are now while the rest of me was 80 pounds smaller, I don't think that's the issue), and also buy an herbal supplement called Evening Primrose Oil and take that (even though I just googled and the NIH says there's not enough evidence to show it works for anything and breast pain-specific studies were inconclusive). And then after trying each of those solutions for several days to a week, if the pain persists I should send her a message and she'll order and ultrasound to rule anything out. There must have been some kind of expression on my face when I asked "so even though you felt something weird in my boob where I pointed it out, you don't think it's anything because the rest of the boob felt the same?" And she was like "orrr we can just go ahead and do an ultrasound now." So that's scheduled for Monday. And like, I'm past the initial "oh god I'm dying of breast cancer" thing so I would've been okay with that explanation and just made my doctor do another exam when I see her in December. But I still found it weird that she immediately was like "oh yeah that does feel weird" and then "oh wait never mind." I asked why my side and arm would hurt then if it wasn't a boob-related thing: is it muscular? is it posture? could I be sleeping wrong? "Yeah, you could be sleeping wrong." ...thanks? Other theory: my new bra is irritating me as well. I bought 2 but the other one is still in the bag because I rarely wear a bra to begin with. I've had multiple bras in this exact style before and never had an issue, but the part that hurts is where the underwire runs, more or less. 

 

Also, fun fact, I had an ultrasound in essentially the same spot in DC so I'm guessing there's just some weird tissue doing some weird stuff. Except at that point I'd seen the shittiest person at Student Health who said she didn't feel anything in that spot - in retrospect I think she meant she didn't feel anything unusual and that what was there was normal, but she didn't say it that way and made me feel like I was crazy. 

 

Small things that were good today: getting the shot barely hurt; getting my blood drawn really didn't hurt and I was surprised because the last half dozen times they had trouble finding a vein and sometimes had to go through my hand; got on the train home just before rush hour hit so it wasn't a sardine can.

 

I was going to devote a lot of time and space complaining about how I hate overreacting to all kinds of physical/medical shit all the time, but it's now 2:30 and I'm going to bed before I forget how to speak English.

[TimovieMan]

12 hours ago, fleaball said:

I got a flu shot.

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Me too.

 

8 hours ago, Severine said:

Me three!

 

Mine's only scheduled for mid-November.

But at least I'm getting one too four!