Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Countess D'If]

I’m getting a flu shot tomorrow 

 

 

p.s. it’s 03:34 and I have nothing of substance to add to the conversation. 

[NeverThatBored]

I can see why you don't like the NP! Yeesh.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

While the NP may have been able to pass tests about practicing medicine, she fails listening forever.

[Severine]

That NP reminds me of an annoying guy who my friend used to date. He always had some half-baked theory about everything because he could never ever just say he didn't know something. And if someone pointed out the parts of his theory that didn't make sense, he'd either get defensive, or just make up a different theory. It was very frustrating. 

 

At least she set up the ultrasound. Hopefully it'll put your mind at peace.

[fleaball]

Blah. Stupid lady called with my blood test results. Potassium was normal, glucose was 159, H. pylori was negative so that's not causing reflux, and a liver test was elevated so I'm on my way to fatty liver. So I got lectures about needing to get my blood sugar under control ("I wasn't fasting though." "That doesn't matter, it should always be 110 or less no matter what time you take it." Sounds fake, but okay.) because that's a sign that my body can't handle what I'm eating and with PCOS I'm definitely going to get diabetes. Also fatty liver means liver transplants so if I don't want a liver transplant I need to cut back on fat as well. Only eat lean protein and fruits and veggies. And to Tank's point about listening fails: "So if I remember correctly, you said you recently saw a dietitian or you have an appointment coming up?" No, I never said that and it's not in the cards. "Oh. That's not in the cards? So you think you have all the tools you need to eat better and exercise and bring down your blood glucose and the fatty liver. No more carby comfort foods, just fruits and veggies." mmyep, got that covered. Please refer back to the conversation we had yesterday where I said I've lost weight before and exercised consistently before and know what to do, but that my mental health is holding me back because I live in an emotionally abusive environment.

 

And I get to look forward to another call from her on Tuesday with the ultrasound results. The whole area hurts less today but I still want the definitive "nope, nothing there." 

 

I'm pretty sure this woman is more concerned with finding things and giving advice than with actually paying attention to what you're seeing her for. 8 years ago I had a physical with her because my doctor was booked up, and basically all she talked about was the fact that I must have PCOS since my period was wonky and I had unfortunate facial hair. This was right before I went to France and I was more concerned with "hey I'm leaving the country for 5 months is there anything I need before I go?" And she just kept harping on it, and that I should see an endocrinologist (no mention of a gynecologist though) and electrolysis was an option, blah blah. Ordered some blood tests for hormones that came back saying I didn't have it, womp. (DC gyno said the blood tests are relatively useless for diagnosis.) But between that and the fact that in retrospect 90% of my appointment with her yesterday seemed like her fishing for opportunities to give referrals or medication, I think that's all she really cares to do. My mother never liked seeing her either, whatever that's worth. 

 

In other news, student loan company sent me an email today saying "we received resubmitted your IDR request dated today! We'll get back to you by 11/1." I called and was like "so I talked to someone on 10/2 who said he resubmitted it that day and I uploaded something else on 10/5... wtf?" And the guy on the phone was like "yeah it takes 2-3 weeks." That's not a great answer. He said it still counts as being submitted on 10/2, and the guy I spoke to on 10/2 said 5-7 business days, which ends tomorrow. So who the fuck knows when this is going to be handled. 

 

There are more things I want to complain about, but I need to go do laundry. And also take out my trash because out of nowhere it just started reeking. Womp.

[Severine]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Blah. Stupid lady called with my blood test results. Potassium was normal, glucose was 159, H. pylori was negative so that's not causing reflux, and a liver test was elevated so I'm on my way to fatty liver. So I got lectures about needing to get my blood sugar under control ("I wasn't fasting though." "That doesn't matter, it should always be 110 or less no matter what time you take it." Sounds fake, but okay.) because that's a sign that my body can't handle what I'm eating and with PCOS I'm definitely going to get diabetes. Also fatty liver means liver transplants so if I don't want a liver transplant I need to cut back on fat as well. Only eat lean protein and fruits and veggies. And to Tank's point about listening fails: "So if I remember correctly, you said you recently saw a dietitian or you have an appointment coming up?" No, I never said that and it's not in the cards. "Oh. That's not in the cards? So you think you have all the tools you need to eat better and exercise and bring down your blood glucose and the fatty liver. No more carby comfort foods, just fruits and veggies." mmyep, got that covered. Please refer back to the conversation we had yesterday where I said I've lost weight before and exercised consistently before and know what to do, but that my mental health is holding me back because I live in an emotionally abusive environment.

 

And I get to look forward to another call from her on Tuesday with the ultrasound results. The whole area hurts less today but I still want the definitive "nope, nothing there." 

 

I'm pretty sure this woman is more concerned with finding things and giving advice than with actually paying attention to what you're seeing her for. 8 years ago I had a physical with her because my doctor was booked up, and basically all she talked about was the fact that I must have PCOS since my period was wonky and I had unfortunate facial hair. This was right before I went to France and I was more concerned with "hey I'm leaving the country for 5 months is there anything I need before I go?" And she just kept harping on it, and that I should see an endocrinologist (no mention of a gynecologist though) and electrolysis was an option, blah blah. Ordered some blood tests for hormones that came back saying I didn't have it, womp. (DC gyno said the blood tests are relatively useless for diagnosis.) But between that and the fact that in retrospect 90% of my appointment with her yesterday seemed like her fishing for opportunities to give referrals or medication, I think that's all she really cares to do. My mother never liked seeing her either, whatever that's worth. 

 

Okay I'm going to make a slightly different conclusion from the bolded part and say that what's she interested in seems to be lecturing and judging and bullying people? Recommending electrolysis, seriously? WTF. Fuck her for using her position as a medical practitioner to enforce bullshit sexist beauty standards about facial hair. If someone comes to you to complain about facial hair that's one thing but otherwise shut the fuck up about it.

 

Like, everything seems to be about how she thinks things are your fault, and trying to scare or shame you into making drastic changes OR ELSE. The nonsense about trying to scare you with a liver transplant?? Fatty liver can progress to bad stuff eventually, sure, but talk about skipping right to the worse case scenario. Geez. Like, D has had some early warning signs of fatty liver for years, but there has never been any mention of transplants. Just like, realistic conversations about getting a little more exercise, watching certain foods, and upping foods with a lot of vitamin E.

 

Not to mention that telling someone they have to instantly switch to eating only fruits and veggies and lean protein and no carbs, with no support and with no regard to their circumstances or special challenges, is impractical and basically just sets the person up for failure and lets others say "oh well it's their fault" if it doesn't happen.

 

All of this coupled with not actually listening to you. Like, it has been proven so many times over and over that this shame-based style of medical practice does not work for most people and I wish people like her would get with the bloody program.

 

My message to that NP:

 

Quote

In other news, student loan company sent me an email today saying "we received resubmitted your IDR request dated today! We'll get back to you by 11/1." I called and was like "so I talked to someone on 10/2 who said he resubmitted it that day and I uploaded something else on 10/5... wtf?" And the guy on the phone was like "yeah it takes 2-3 weeks." That's not a great answer. He said it still counts as being submitted on 10/2, and the guy I spoke to on 10/2 said 5-7 business days, which ends tomorrow. So who the fuck knows when this is going to be handled. 

 

What a shitshow. Good luck!

[fleaball]

Of course I'm missing the Supernatural premiere right now because as soon as I decided to go down and make dinner, my father came home (wasn't even supposed to be off work until after the show started) and started dicking around in the kitchen and even when I said "excuse me, trying to cook here" he kept getting in my way. I was just trying to make mac & cheese, sans shredded cheese this time, but he was in my way every time I turned around while ostensibly trying not to be. I can watch the show tomorrow online but still... ugh. If I had to describe my life with one story, that would be it: Flea - "hey, I'm trying to do a thing so I can then go enjoy the other thing." Family - "lol ok."

 

I've managed to do ONE thing that was on my to do list today, and that's laundry. Which I didn't really have a choice for because I was out of underwear. (I'm not above buying new underwear to avoid laundry, but that would have required going outside today, so no.) Tomorrow I have to go to the library to return some books and pick up another or I'm going to get charged stupid fees. Then I have to go driving. Sometime before that I have to call and possibly reschedule a doctor appointment for next week. I don't *want* to drive tomorrow but the Sox are playing here Saturday and Sunday nights which means I need to do as much as I can tomorrow toward my weekend bonus so I don't have to deal with the absolute clusterfuck that will be game night traffic. 

 

Gonna go scroll through Netflix for a few hours.

[Severine]

12 hours ago, fleaball said:

the Sox are playing here Saturday and Sunday nights

 

Shit I had completely forgotten about that. We have concert tickets for Saturday night downtown. Uggggggggggh traffic is going to be awesome.

 

Yay for getting laundry done.

[fleaball]

Decided I didn’t want to go out driving tonight because I feel like crap. And then my father came home early and has been obnoxious ever since. Including knocking over some stupid Christmas decoration that he stuck in some shelf on the cellar stairs and then screaming about how he’s so fucking stupid and can’t do anything right. So now I’m torn being staying home and just cranking up the volume on my headphones and or going out and being just as cranky but with stupid people going drinking. 

[fleaball]

I forgot I’m getting the other half of my dental implant in the morning. Someone kill me. I have no idea what to expect because I already got the actual screw literally screwed into a hole they drilled in my jaw, but that’s healed over now. I assume they’re putting in something that sticks out from my jaw now to put the crown over but like... fuck. Which means I’ll probably miss my Lyft bonus this weekend since I won’t want to talk to anyone. Womp. 

 

Also get to ask the receptionists what my brother should do since a tooth he had root canaled forever ago has broken off in pieces over the course of the last 15 months and now there’s nothing left of it above the gum line but the bottom part of the tooth is still there. Gross. (He has a referral to have it pulled at an office literally 250 yards from our front door. But he never called to schedule it.)

[fleaball]

I’m so anxious about this dentist appointment I’m 98% I’m going to throw up. I’m not even nervous about it, like I know it’s going to suck balls but this guy is super cool and when I told him I was anxious about the first part he went slow and gave me lots of breaks and narrated everything and checked in all the time. But anxiety is high because I didn’t sleep well and I’m mad at my father and the furnace just kicked in for the first time (and while it’s fine I somehow developed a fear of it either exploding or just barfing CO and murdering everyone?) and thanks to acid reflux + anxiety my gag reflex is hella sensitive so I’m afraid of not just throwing up on my way because anxiety but also doing it at the dentist while this dude is digging around in my mouth. 

 

Also im pretty sure I’m not driving today and I’m mad but it’s my own fault. But tl;dr fuck everything about today and I want to go to bed now. 

[fleaball]

I survived. I’m still grumpy and hate everything, but nothing went wrong so there’s that. 

[fleaball]

1:40am is a great time to play “are my intestines mad at me or is it my uterus?” D:

[Severine]

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

1:40am is a great time to play “are my intestines mad at me or is it my uterus?” D:

 

I hope you went to sleep! Boo for your midsection working against you.

[fleaball]

I want chicken thighs and I blame @Tanktimus the Encourager 110%. But I want them to appear fully cooked in front of me right now with no effort required in my part. 

 

6 hours ago, Severine said:

 

I hope you went to sleep! Boo for your midsection working against you.

I did! The ibuprofen probably helped too lol. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

46 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I want chicken thighs and I blame @Tanktimus the Encourager 110%. But I want them to appear fully cooked in front of me right now with no effort required in my part. 

 

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

*grabby hands*

[Owlet]

[fleaball]

47 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I missed you! I need all the updates on your life pls. 

 

Also this cat is adorable but so fucking dumb. Jump on the goddamn table, cat!

[Owlet]

14 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I missed you! I need all the updates on your life pls. 

 

Also this cat is adorable but so fucking dumb. Jump on the goddamn table, cat!

His little pawwwws XD taptaptap.

 

I missed you too! It's taken me a while to catch up on your thread lol. I agree with the others, you're awesome and you are making progress. It's always hard to see it yourself, but from an outsider's perspective it's definitely there. Even the fact that you keep having realisations, and then sometimes feeling shit for not being able to fix or get over the thing right away, shows progress. Like, you've come far enough that now you can see what's even happening. Pretty hard to deal with shit when you're too deep in it to see what's going on. 

 

Updates, let's see... I'm finally in a position to get my own cat and would you believe it, there's a kitten shortage. Soon to be a flash flood apparently, but a few months can feel like a long time when you're trying to find a cute fur baby  related, I moved house (away from extremely frustrating flatmates and non-pet-friendly house) and now have a wood burner for basking in front of. Work got super stressful and I had a few weeks of anxiety (oh hey anxiety, been a while. I didn't miss you. You don't need to visit again. Really) but it's calmed down slightly and I've told my brain enough times that I'm not about to be fired that it's doing ok now. Still wildly sensitive and moody but working on working out why lol. Trying to befriend the neighbours because they seem cool, preferably without coming across as a weird stalker girl. Introduced my boyfriend to Thai food and feel immensely smug that it's now his favourite. You know, just tackling the big things in life.

[fleaball]

Blargh. My mouth has stopped hurting for the most part, which is good. The stitches hurt and the thing looks weird af but okay. Mostly just the muscles in my jaw/the side of my face are angry from keeping my mouth open for like half an hour. 

 

Today was not terrible. I did get super anxious before I went out driving, but sadly that's normal. And super annoying. Made a decent amount of money and my last ride took me far from Boston just before the Red Sox chaos started. Bummed I couldn't get the weekend bonus, but oh well. (For the record, it was "do 50 rides between Friday-Sunday and we'll ,make up the difference if you don't earn $500. Initial plan was to go out for a couple hours Friday after rush hour and then split the difference Saturday and Sunday but I wound up not going out Friday. Which is fine, because I'd probably still have spent a lot of time in traffic and hating life. 25 each Saturday and Sunday is still doable, unless you forget you're having foreign objects shoved in your mouth on Saturday morning and will be too hurty and grumpy to go out driving later that day. So meh, I'll just keep my fingers crossed for another bonus soon.) 

 

Also realized a thing. Someone on r/cptsd asked if anyone else feels like they're "high-functioning" because a lot of the posts there are people who are suicidal or so crippled by it they can't hold down a job or just so consumed with their negative feelings and experiences that they can't do much of anything etc. And as I was writing my response and thinking about how I still get stuff done despite being insanely anxious or upset or whatever I realized it's because there was never an alternative. My family made me responsible for everything so failure wasn't an option. And that mentality has followed me through life. I think in a bizarre way it's been sort of helpful, because that's the thing that made sure I turned in papers by 11:59 and it's the thing that made sure I kept up with all my work and school and whatever of my parents' bullshit I could handle remotely while in school. So that whole thing where people kept being like "I can't believe you're handling all of it, you're doing so well!" and me being like "well duh, it's not like I can just not do these things?" was ironically my parents' doing. And it kind of explains why I couldn't articulate my frustration over people saying that but also kept tripping over myself to say I wouldn't expect anyone else in my position to do the same thing - I literally didn't know any other way of reacting to the situation. Not carrying on and making sure everything got done was never ever an option that was on the table. I couldn't take a leave from school, I couldn't quit my internship, I couldn't stop handling my family's shit no matter how absolutely miserable and stressed out I was because being miserable and stressed out was not an acceptable excuse. (For me. It's 110% okay for the rest of my fucking family.) And I just didn't recognize any of this at the time even though I knew it was ridiculous to be running myself into the ground. So there's that. And now I'm wondering how to pull that knot apart and be a normal person. The first thing that comes to mind is "let yourself fail." But I can't really let myself fail anything that really matters? And I already fail at plenty of things and that hasn't fixed anything?

 

Ah, fuck, I found the distinction: I can't fail things that affect other people, but I can and do fail things that are for myself. I couldn't drop the ball at my internship because they were counting on me. I couldn't fuck up at school because let's be real, it stopped being about me the moment I was accepted. But learning a new language? Getting healthy? Training for a 5k or OCR? There is zero outside pressure that would trigger this response. Even the races I was supposed to do other people, when I was (not) training I'd just think "well if I suck at this or just don't do it, it won't affect anyone else, they'll just hate me and it would be justified anyway, so meh." There's also a weird sense of just accepting the punishments for my failures. Like, hey my ankle hurts, boooo. And my brain responds "that's because you're a dumb fuck who never does PT with any kind of consistency and you SHOULD be in pain for that." Job posting closes before I submit anything for it? "You do this every time because you know you're doomed to work retail for the rest of your life and anyway it's the only thing you're good at." Oops, I gained weight this week? "You deserve to be fat because you're too fucking stupid to eat a vegetable or go for a walk." Staying up til 4 am to finish a paper for the 3rd time this semester?  "You had months to work on this paper and you wasted all your time. Why the fuck should you get to take a nap?!" It's like when it comes to personal things, my brain just goes "welp, you've made your bed, now lie in it." I can see that part of this is wrapped up in the fear of success, part of it is being used to failure for personal goals, and part is just that Flea-related things were never important to anyone else so why would they be important to Flea either? Argh, fuck. Does this mean that on top of the cooking issues and being afraid of exercise, I now have to give myself permission to lose weight and be a healthy person? To find hobbies I enjoy? My CPTSD recovery to do list is already miles long, I don't have room for something as silly as treating myself like an actual person. 

 

On that super fun note, fat kitty and I are going to bed. Stupid ultrasound tomorrow. I'm driving in instead of taking the train in the hope that on the way back I'll stop at a store that has cheapish kitchenware to finally get my own pot and a bowl and whatever else I said I'd get. And if there are still spoons left after that, maybe I'll hit TJ Maxx to see if there's anything reasonably priced that will fit me better than the clothes I'm wearing that I bought 40 pounds ago. That should probably be my priority but tbh the fucking pot has been on my to do list for so fucking long I really need to focus on just getting it done so I never have to think about it ever again. Cross your fingers for me.

[Jean]

Fingers crossed, and huzzah for you figuring all that out. Taking that time for yourself that you don't have should open up to plenty of more time available for all those other things so, priorities-wise, I'd take care of myself above much of that other shit you're going through.

 

Take care.

[fleaball]

So after I spent 45 minutes in the waiting room, I get into the ultrasound room and the woman is asking me all about blood clots and shit and then tells me to lie down. I’m like “cool do I need a gown or should I just take off my bra and have at it?” And she’s confused because the orders they have are for my left LEG, not my left boob. And then she’s giving me attitude because “that’s what it says on the order.” I asked her to check my chart and see what it says because the NP specifically noted where they were supposed to look on my boob or something so there should be some kind of indication. She continues giving me attitude and goes to talk to her supervisor.  Comes back after like 30 seconds to tell me that my old PCP ordered one in June that was negative and that’s all the info they have. I tell her that’s not my doctor anymore, she’s not the one who ordered this, here’s the name of the person who ordered it, please look again. 

 

They call my doctor’s office, doctor’s office wants to talk to me, nurse on the phone is talking to me like I’m an idiot because “old pcp put this in for you, why don’t you want it?” Apparently when I cancelled the appointment I’d made in June after going to the ER the night before, those orders stayed in the system for me to reschedule later. And then after I saw the NP last week, you go to the front desk of the office with a paper that says what you need and they schedule everything for you, so clearly all that person looked at was “ultrasound” and screwed me over. Then I keep getting attitude from both the nurse on the phone and the ultrasound tech here because “you don’t want your appointment? Why don’t you want to have this done?” IT’S NOT WHAT I’M FUCKING HERE FOR. why is this so hard to understand. “but your doctor ordered it for you!” Finally got them to understand that there was a fuckup, tech has to go confirm with her supervisor that it can be cancelled on their part. I realize she’s just down the hall so I just go and I’m like “if I leave am I going to get billed for it? Because if I am we may as well do it.” And the lady’s like “no, you’ll be fine.” So I leave. 

 

As I’m sitting in the hall typing this I get a call from someone in charge at my doctor’s office to apologize and she’s like “I’d like to figure out how this happened to you” and I’m like “here let me explain how your people fucked me over.” She’s not pleased. Reschedules me for tomorrow (because even though the correct orders are still in the system, breast imaging is done in a totally different building so they can’t just do it now anyway) which is fine bc I have another appointment here tomorrow anyway. But I’m so fucking pissed. 

 

And now I’m not going to do my errands, I’m going to go home and cry. Literally. I’m trying not to cry in the hallway right now. My entire day is wasted because of someone else’s stupidity and I’m probably not going to be able to recover in time to get anything done. 

[Jean]

[fleaball]

Welp. As predicted, I've done almost nothing today. I'm not super miserable anymore, but the whole saga ate all of the energy I had so that even when I got home and was no longer in a terrible mood, I knew I wasn't getting anything done. 

 

Except. 

 

On my way home I was thinking about what drive thrus were around because I was hungry but didn't want to deal with getting out of the car and all I had at home was pasta that needed cooking or various frozen rice and veggie things that I didn't want. I wasn't super enthused about any of the fast food options either. And then I realized that I really wanted chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes. So I continued to drive past my house to the supermarket near my therapist's office (because if I went to the one near my house I would likely run into 75% of the people my mother worked with) and I got my chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes. Plus a bunch of other stuff. Still not super duper healthy stuff except for some apples, but better than takeout. 

 

But let me repeat that - I went grocery shopping while completely fucking miserable for unrelated reasons, and I survived. Me. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat. 

 

I did almost cry while looking at a box of mac & cheese because goddamn I want to go buy a nice sturdy bowl to enjoy eating all of my food out of rather than the tupperware thing I've been using, and I keep getting thwarted every time I try, but that's a separate issue. Somehow writing that made me want to buy chopsticks as well, but I don't make anything that would require it? Unless I wanted to be ridiculous and eat spaghetti with them? Okay brain. You do you. 

 

Also I forgot to say in last night's post that the weird arm/shoulder/boob/side pain has mostly cleared up. Boobs still feel funny sometimes but at this point it is possible it's PMS so I can't do anything about that til next week. The only thing I can think of is that maybe I slept really horribly wrong one night and then aggravated it over several other nights? Which really doesn't make sense as I've been sleeping the same way forever. I did switch to the other new bra yesterday, which is a totally different style from the one I'd been wearing, and nothing hurt, but I can't say whether that was because of the bra or just because nothing is hurting anyway. I'm still getting the ultrasound, obviously, because I'm not super excited about that woman's immediate reaction to touching my boob being "oh that does feel weird!" and then eventually "eh it's probably nothing." 

 

So this weird pain thing is yet another point toward making me feel like I'm crazy. I overreact all the time. Whenever something doesn't feel right I'm immediately like "this is out of the ordinary! something must be super wrong!" instead of thinking it's a one-off. Or I'll start expecting things to go wrong - like when I was on antibiotics and expecting to wind up with C. diff even though it's not really a super common side effect. Oh no, I feel kinda crummy after taking a medicine that said that might happen, it must be this super dangerous infection instead! Even though I know that one's not even that bad, because my mother had it while she was in the hospital during chemo and that's not what killed her. I know everyone gets nervous about various tests and weird things that pop up suddenly, but this is different. I can't explain how completely ridiculous my brain gets but it's definitely bullshit. And it drives me nuts because usually I know things will turn out fine, but I can't convince the other part of my brain and I just keep worrying and worrying and going insane over it. I'll watch a small cut obsessively for signs of infection and wonder how red is red enough for it to get to warrant going to the doctor. It's just fucking stupid. (But then I go and do stupid shit like resprain my ankle 2 miles into a ~5 mile OCR but keep doing the fucking thing anyway because meh, it's just a sprain right?) I don't remember being like this before? I think I just somehow traumatized myself when I had the plague, since I'd written it off as sleeping wrong when my neck started hurting and then just a bad cold or something later. I mean it would make sense for "whoops I could've died from ignoring this thing" to make me second guess everything from then on. And now everything, even when I'm sure it's nothing, scares me because sure it's really probably nothing but what if it's not? So argh. 

 

And now I'm going to go eat the carrot cake I bought and watch tv and go to bed soon, because my stupid ultrasound is at 11am tomorrow and because traffic is fucking stupid I need to leave at least 45 minutes beforehand to make sure I can get there in time, even though it's under 5 miles away. fml.