Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Severine]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

And I hate that I'm too fucking damaged to do literally anything that will get me out of here.

 

So I don't know if you really meant this or just feel frustrated but I have to point out this is super not true. You spent your day yesterday working on a job application and driving around making money. In the past few months, you've found a good therapist, been going to therapy, been making money, applying to jobs when they look suitable, handling health and medical issues, socializing with people in Boston, working on self-care stuff like cooking and cleaning your house up and improving your eating, handling your student loan issue very successfully, etc. The list goes on and on. You have, in fact, been doing a shitload of stuff to work toward getting out of there, and to work toward healing the trauma of growing up there, and to make your life better while you're there.

 

I think this is another legacy of your mum: your efforts never counted for anything unless there was some concrete end result and even then it was like, "well of course you were supposed to do that." And now you find yourself in a situation where you have made a shitload of effort and achieved a tonne of incremental improvements and small victories, but you're still working on the big goal. So when you're feeling frustrated you don't see the pile of small victories or the progress toward the goal. All you see is that the big concrete end result isn't yet complete, and so you feel like, not only have I achieved nothing, I haven't achieved a thing I was supposed to be able to achieve. But it's your mum talking.

 

Try to let that perspective go as best you can. Getting to 100% is the eventual goal, sure, but you can't get to 100% without going through 25% and 50% and 75% and that progress is worth celebrating too. It's not all or nothing. You've already got one foot out the door. All you need is a steady income stream and reliable benefits and you're ready to fly.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Sev stole all my thunder. I agree with Severine™

 

I will also say people with your mom's brand of crazy tend to be weird about money, on top of all their other weirdness. So it's possible that in addition to being made to feel worthless, your mom's attitudes about money add a whole other dimension of weird to the situation.

[Severine]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sev stole all my thunder. I agree with Severine™

 

[Bean Sidhe]

I agree with both of them. But honestly, I kinda like watching the gif... I can so see it happening too.

[fleaball]

So thanks for all the things that were said but I'm just going to drop that conversation because I've tried but I absolutely can't manage to translate my feelings about it into words and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. 

 

In other news, some guy messaged me on LinkedIn about some web-based company he's creating where he'll need someone for a few hours a week of "flexible but dedicated work." I googled him and he's legit and also seems like kind of a big deal. I think I found the website he's talking about too. He also googled me and found the press releases from undergrad about my study abroad scholarships and fml he may have actually helped start one of the programs I was on? Which is perfect because guess who can't remember a fucking thing in Arabic. But we have a Skype chat scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to talk about it. (Fun fact: my profile photo on both Skype and LinkedIn is 8 years old and I've gained 90 pounds since then.) I know I have an out - "sorry, I really need to focus on getting a full-time job right now so I can't commit to doing this + working a real job." But I still have no idea what to expect otherwise.

 

Naturally, I'm sitting here second-guessing everything in the world. He's into international education, which my LinkedIn profile also says I'm into and jfc I'm applying to an international office at a university (spoiler, I still haven't finished the application I started on Friday) but I'm like "is that really a thing I want to do? am I even capable of doing it?" More than anything this is just the ever-present worry about getting stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life. Which I know is not an actual thing that needs to be worried about because surprise, you can quit jobs, but I also don't know what kind of thing I would actually enjoy doing so everything seems like a trap so idk maybe it's just an existential crisis. But there's definitely an element of like, what if I take this because I feel like I should and it bites me in the ass or something. 

 

Plus "why me of all the people who show up on LinkedIn when you search 'international education'"?? (He's not local so it's definitely not that.) Not just in an impostor syndrome kind of deal, but also super skepticism. He even said I'm not the typical person he'd pick for something like this. If anyone's super interested I can PM or text screenshots of the messages but I'm paranoid about posting actual quotes from it since he obviously knows how to use the google. 

 

You know what, fuck this post too. Literally everything I'm writing can be handwaved away with "no, that's your trauma talking, it's not real." Except it is real but there's no way to communicate how absolutely fucked it all is.

[Sylvaa]

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

You know what, fuck this post too. Literally everything I'm writing can be handwaved away with "no, that's your trauma talking, it's not real." Except it is real but there's no way to communicate how absolutely fucked it all is.

 

Usually I try not to comment too much because I know that a lot of things you go through, I don't truly understand. But I disagree with part of this.

 

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Naturally, I'm sitting here second-guessing everything in the world. He's into international education, which my LinkedIn profile also says I'm into and jfc I'm applying to an international office at a university (spoiler, I still haven't finished the application I started on Friday) but I'm like "is that really a thing I want to do? am I even capable of doing it?" More than anything this is just the ever-present worry about getting stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life. Which I know is not an actual thing that needs to be worried about because surprise, you can quit jobs, but I also don't know what kind of thing I would actually enjoy doing so everything seems like a trap so idk maybe it's just an existential crisis. But there's definitely an element of like, what if I take this because I feel like I should and it bites me in the ass or something. 

 

This is so real. Dude, like every day I question what the heck am I doing and why am I doing this and what if I'm not good at the thing I've been doing for the last 5 freaking years. Oh, and also, do I even want to be doing this and is this were I saw myself when I was young, innocent Sylvaa.  So no, I mean, yeah this might be made worse based on the trauma you've experienced. But I get this. And I mean, I'm not flawless, but I'm a functioning adult (or so they tell me) and I've definitely not dealt with what you have. And I still have these same fears about looking for new jobs. 

[Severine]

So...I have actually been in the position of taking a job which I then turned out to hate, and which caused me years of stress and unhappiness while I wrestled with the question of whether the right thing to do was to leave the job/industry and do something else, or buckle down and stay committed and try to like it, or at least just stay dedicated to my choice. So it does happen, and it really sucks if it happens, and that makes it pretty rational to be afraid of it. 

 

As you know, I eventually ended up leaving (both the legal profession and my specific job) and it was definitely the right choice, but it came with costs - financial and other. I was lucky to be in a situation where I had a partner who was earning enough that I could even afford to make that choice. And now I like my current job but I know it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but every time I explore a job or a new direction I find myself constantly worried about choosing the wrong thing again, because what if my judgment is just bad? And if I do choose the wrong thing again, I'm afraid of leaving something else because I don't want to be someone who has that pattern but I'm simultaneously afraid of being stuck in something I loathe! So it's a thing I struggle with too.

 

I know your situation is different in a variety of ways but basically I just wanted to echo what @Sylvaa said - this is almost certainly made worse/more painful/harder to resolve by your trauma stuff, but it's definitely not a thing that seems fake or "just trauma" to other people - it's very understandable.

 

Anyway there are people who specialize in helping people figure out career stuff, and while I am sure a lot of them suck, your therapist might know some who are useful? Or you could just talk to her about it? Because it sounds like there's a mix here of practical issues but also some emotional stuff about not being sure whether you have things to contribute or not being sure whether there's any job that you'll like. I think it's fair to say you won't hate every job, so if it feels like you will, if you're afraid that you will, it's definitely worth some emotional unpacking. At the very least, could you make a list of things you'd be genuinely happy to do every day? Tasks/activities, I mean. Even if they're things you can't imagine anyone paying you to do (like learn languages or whatever), try making a list. Just as an exercise to remind you that there are things you do enjoy.

[Arkania]

Hey, how are you?

[Owlet]

@fleaball I promised I would let you know when I finally get my own furball so here you go:

 

 

 

He spends a lot more time acting out the first photo than the second and as a result I feel like shit from lack of sleep. Pls send help XD 

 

Hope you're doing ok!

[NeverThatBored]

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

 

 

He spends a lot more time acting out the first photo than the second and as a result I feel like shit from lack of sleep. Pls send help XD 

  

 

Babyyyyyy <3 What's his name??? How long have you had him???

[Owlet]

On 11/9/2018 at 10:55 AM, NeverThatBored said:

 

Babyyyyyy <3 What's his name??? How long have you had him???

Ori, and about 10 days now  

[Countess D'If]

ERMAGERD!! Kerrrterrrrs!!!!

[fleaball]

Sorry for disappearing. Again. I’ve been having trouble sleeping forever —> been grumpy af all day every day —> hiding in a blanket fort with the fat kitty until it’s bedtime, then repeat. Plus my acid reflux has been a dick for no reason so I’m extra miserable. 

 

Last week with my therapist we talked about how I should pick one goal/thing to work on and while driving around yesterday I figured out what I want to do. Came here to say I’ll do the next challenge and lol fuck zero week starts tomorrow? Womp. I’m trying to do an insane amount of driving between today and tomorrow but I’ll get a thread up eventually. Mostly because I’m too pleased with my title to pass it up. (It’s terrible. I don’t even think it qualifies as a pun. But I’m running with it. You’ll see.)

[NeverThatBored]

 

I saw this and thought of you.  

 

Also I just noticed your new NF title. Has that been there for a long time and I just forgot??

 

Looking forward to the new challenge title! 

 

 

[fleaball]

58 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

I saw this and thought of you.  

 

Also I just noticed your new NF title. Has that been there for a long time and I just forgot??

 

Looking forward to the new challenge title! 

 

 

Yessssss. *grabby hands* 

 

I have no idea where that came from or when. Hey @Tanktimus the Encourager when did you change it?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

38 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Yessssss. *grabby hands* 

 

I have no idea where that came from or when. Hey @Tanktimus the Encourager when did you change it?

 

(Today).

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

(Today).

You're kind of a dork and I love you.

[fleaball]

On 11/8/2018 at 3:42 PM, Owlet said:

@fleaball I promised I would let you know when I finally get my own furball so here you go:

 

 

 

He spends a lot more time acting out the first photo than the second and as a result I feel like shit from lack of sleep. Pls send help XD 

 

Hope you're doing ok!

brb moving to New Zealand to steal him

[fleaball]

 

boobcat is upset that I have a turkey dinner and he doesn’t. 

 

(He and fat kitty have both gotten some turkey, don’t worry. But it’s not enough unless they have all the turkey.)

[fleaball]

Did the thing. 

 

And now a mindfuck: I started college majoring in forensic chemistry, changed my major halfway through sophomore year, and haven't ever regretted it. But while looking at science cat memes, I realized I kinda miss chemistry?? Or at least the basic math-based kind from general chemistry? And it just feels really weird to think about. 

[Severine]

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

And now a mindfuck: I started college majoring in forensic chemistry, changed my major halfway through sophomore year, and haven't ever regretted it. But while looking at science cat memes, I realized I kinda miss chemistry?? Or at least the basic math-based kind from general chemistry? And it just feels really weird to think about. 

 

I originally was planning to go to college for biology - I wanted to do botany research. And then about six months before I started college I switched to a double in history and ancient language. I'm still interested in plants obviously, and I don't regret what I studied or where it took me, but I sometimes think about how different my life would have been had I not switched. Life is weird.

[fleaball]

News at 11: area man totally acidentally falls out a window while putting up plastic; pissed off daughter helping him 1000% not responsible. 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

News at 11: area man totally acidentally falls out a window while putting up plastic; pissed off daughter helping him 1000% not responsible. 

Since @Tanktimus the Encourager reacted with the confused face: in places that actually have winter, you can put plastic over your windows for extra insulation + to keep the draft out. For the second year in a row my father has made it an infinitely harder process than it needed to be, so if he accidentally falls through a window while doing it it's totally an accident.

 

3 hours ago, Severine said:

I originally was planning to go to college for biology - I wanted to do botany research. And then about six months before I started college I switched to a double in history and ancient language. I'm still interested in plants obviously, and I don't regret what I studied or where it took me, but I sometimes think about how different my life would have been had I not switched. Life is weird.

Yuuup. I'd had my heart set on this major since my science fair project on forensics in 7th grade. Knew going into it that it wasn't going to be like CSI where you press a button and everything magically works out, but wasn't prepared for my organic chem lab sophomore year where we spent 2/3 of the semester trying to figure out what 3 compounds were in a test tube we'd been given and spent a lot of that time just waiting for machines to do their thing and reactions to happen. I got an A, but I realized there was no way in hell I wanted to spend the next 40 years of my life in a windowless lab doing that every day. Changing my major was a bummer because I went to that school specifically for that degree and I could have gone to any of the million schools here for the degrees I wound up with (and paid less money!) but if I hadn't gone there and met the people I had, it's highly unlikely I'd've applied for the scholarships I got for Morocco and Jordan, and possibly not even gotten into what I studied in grad school. It's really weird wondering what I'd be doing if I'd gone that route instead. 

 

Also, I will be forever bitter that organic chem is what made me change my major. Because it's a weed out class. Lots of people can't hack it. So when I tell people that's what made me switch, I get a knowing "oh yeah, organic will do that." And no, I got a B in the class and an A in the lab, I understood it well enough and almost took the second semester just to get a chem minor since I'd been through the rest already, it was just the reality of the lab work that made me want to gouge my eyes out. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't fucking matter, but because I can't ever let people think I'm stupid (only I can do that) it really annoys me.

[Bean Sidhe]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Since @Tanktimus the Encourager reacted with the confused face: in places that actually have winter, you can put plastic over your windows for extra insulation + to keep the draft out. For the second year in a row my father has made it an infinitely harder process than it needed to be, so if he accidentally falls through a window while doing it it's totally an accident.

 

Your dad falling through the window is talent. We do the plastic the window thing every year, and its a fairly simple procedure (Put tape around frame, put plastic over tape, use hair dryer/heat gun to shrink the plastic). And yet all I can see is your dad, trying to put the plastic on an OPEN window, so now all your windows are open with plastic over them, which misses the point. 2nd dumb thought: Was it 1st or 2nd story?

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yuuup. I'd had my heart set on this major since my science fair project on forensics in 7th grade. Knew going into it that it wasn't going to be like CSI where you press a button and everything magically works out, but wasn't prepared for my organic chem lab sophomore year where we spent 2/3 of the semester trying to figure out what 3 compounds were in a test tube we'd been given and spent a lot of that time just waiting for machines to do their thing and reactions to happen. I got an A, but I realized there was no way in hell I wanted to spend the next 40 years of my life in a windowless lab doing that every day. Changing my major was a bummer because I went to that school specifically for that degree and I could have gone to any of the million schools here for the degrees I wound up with (and paid less money!) but if I hadn't gone there and met the people I had, it's highly unlikely I'd've applied for the scholarships I got for Morocco and Jordan, and possibly not even gotten into what I studied in grad school. It's really weird wondering what I'd be doing if I'd gone that route instead.  

  

Also, I will be forever bitter that organic chem is what made me change my major. Because it's a weed out class. Lots of people can't hack it. So when I tell people that's what made me switch, I get a knowing "oh yeah, organic will do that." And no, I got a B in the class and an A in the lab, I understood it well enough and almost took the second semester just to get a chem minor since I'd been through the rest already, it was just the reality of the lab work that made me want to gouge my eyes out. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't fucking matter, but because I can't ever let people think I'm stupid (only I can do that) it really annoys me. 

 

As an ex-premed major, Organic SUCKS... it is a weed out class but I am seriously impressed with the whole B and A in Lab.  In some places that class is designed to flunk out as many students as possible. My Organic class made us take this final that was devised nationally and the % that passed it on any given semester was like 60%. I love science, I love chem, but organic can die in a fire.

[fleaball]

6 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Your dad falling through the window is talent. We do the plastic the window thing every year, and its a fairly simple procedure (Put tape around frame, put plastic over tape, use hair dryer/heat gun to shrink the plastic). And yet all I can see is your dad, trying to put the plastic on an OPEN window, so now all your windows are open with plastic over them, which misses the point. 2nd dumb thought: Was it 1st or 2nd story?

Second story. But sort of third? My house is at the bottom of a hill and sort of built into it? So we were doing the windows on the second floor, but on that side of the house the garage (built into/under the house) is ground level, so he'd have 3 floors to fall if he totally accidentally fell because of course I would never push him out a window. He definitely fucked up the plastic though and I have no idea how. I think he cut the plastic too big and didn't pull it tight enough while putting it on, because it's not shrinking properly. I give up.

 

6 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

As an ex-premed major, Organic SUCKS... it is a weed out class but I am seriously impressed with the whole B and A in Lab.  In some places that class is designed to flunk out as many students as possible. My Organic class made us take this final that was devised nationally and the % that passed it on any given semester was like 60%. I love science, I love chem, but organic can die in a fire.

I think I got a good prof tbh. I'd heard horror stories from other classes but I had a guy who genuinely wanted us to learn it. I definitely like general chemistry better though, because math was a lot easier than drawing fucking compounds all the time. It's kind of funny though, because I'm allergic to a compound called paraphenylenediamine and I remember learning what each part of the name meant in organic, but I remember nothing about it. It's in my allergy list in my medical records because it's related to certain drugs, and none of the nurses ever pronounce it right. Which is slightly disconcerting because I'm sure they had to take that class.