Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Echoceanic]

27 minutes ago, Severine said:

Oy, sorry that was so bloody long. Somebody stop me.

You said most of the stuff I have ruminating in my head but you said it more eloquently and from experience, so no, not stopping you  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Severine that was one of the best things I've ever read.

[Sylvaa]

32 minutes ago, Severine said:

Anxiety fucking sucks. It DOES diminish people's capacity and resilience. It does make it harder to take chances, to do things, to dream and plan and live life fully. That's why it's such a shitty, shitty disorder. No amount of me trying to tell you that you're being too hard on yourself and actually you're fine the way you are is going to help because it's not true. The truth is that you had the bad luck to inherit/develop an anxiety disorder and it takes effort to manage and cure, just like any disorder or illness. 

 

Your anxiety is very real. It is harming you, and denying you things you would otherwise have. It has led to you missing out on friendships and opportunities. It has played some part in landing you in a place where you are not currently happy with your situation or trajectory. It has you in a mindset where even your accomplishments and strengths seem like liabilities because they just make you wonder why you didn't do more with them, etc. You, better than anyone, have piles of experience and evidence to remind you that yeah, anxiety really does reduce your options and energy and abilities below their true potential.

 

Definitely quoting this. You know I don't have anxiety, but I am the step-mom of an anxiety sufferer. It is horrible, because all of the things that "normal" folks do without any issues are like a million times harder. And it sucks and is not fair. 

 

And I know it is not very helpful, but your feelings aren't unusual. I know they are magnified by like 10,000 x because anxiety brain makes everything worse. But feeling lost in life is something a lot of people deal with, myself included. 

 

Those of us who consider you a friend are just going to continue to root for you and have faith in you when you don't have faith in yourself. 

[Cataleya]

Yeah, I read the response post and thought about how to respond for a while, but Severine said it better than I could have. 

[Emma]

Another thought. Why do you feel you have to live up to potential? Is that what you want or what you think others (society, family, mainstream culture) want from you? Why do you have to "do" something with your Arabic studies? Isn't it enough to simply enjoy what I would imagine some pretty awesome memories? 

It took some time to adjust  but I have found much more peace letting go of trying to live up to others expectations but to make my primary goal to seek tranquility.

[fleaball]

Severine ill reply to you later. I refuse to cry in public. 

 

52 minutes ago, Emma said:

Another thought. Why do you feel you have to live up to potential? Is that what you want or what you think others (society, family, mainstream culture) want from you? Why do you have to "do" something with your Arabic studies? Isn't it enough to simply enjoy what I would imagine some pretty awesome memories? 

It took some time to adjust  but I have found much more peace letting go of trying to live up to others expectations but to make my primary goal to seek tranquility.

It’s not about what other people want from me. It’s what I want for myself. I have never had a job that’s been more than a paycheck, I’ve never felt like anything I was doing meant anything, I’ve never even worked somewhere that I was proud to say I worked at. I know that’s not everything in life but it sucks to go to a job I loathe all the time. My internship was at a very conservative organization that I actively hated, my last real job before that was a bank that card more about money than its customers. I want to feel like I’m doing something. Or at least using my skills for something. I do plan on volunteering somewhere once I have a job (because all the organizations I’ve looked at so far want a commitment of x months for the same time every week, and I’m reluctant to lock myself into that before I know what a work schedule would look like). But right now I’m not living up to my own expectations. I’m not going to go out and change the world in a big way. I know that. It’s not my personality. But I am better than driving Lyft or bagging groceries or working retail my entire life. 

 

As for using the Arabic, I want to use it. Even if I don’t use it for any professional reasons ever, why did I put all that effort and money and time into going and learning it to never use it again? I can’t even have a conversation in it at this point. If I settle for that now, then it was stupid to start it in the first place. I could have graduated early and gotten a real job instead of taking out more loans and spending money I didn’t have. 

[fleaball]

So Lyft drama. I’ve been here 45 minutes. They’re still on the same person they called up when I walked in because they’re having an issue with her. There are 9 people ahead of me. One of them is a grumpy old fat white guy who won’t turn off the sound effects on his phone but keeps bitching out loud to no one about “these idiots are so fucking slow, I’m losing so much money here, what the fuck are they doing here you’ve gotta be shitting me” and it’s driving me crazy. There’s another old white guy who’s apparently returning his car but doesn’t understand that he gets reimbursed for tolls he gets charged with a passenger but not if he’s just cruising up and down the highway waiting for people. (Which is a terrible idea anyway!) So he’s fighting with them over that. 

 

I’m going to be here forever. Jesus Christ. I should have gotten my ass out of bed this morning. Fuck. 

[fleaball]

Omfg. This place. Some guy walked in just now and they said they have too many people, come back tomorrow. And he’s like “okay but the app says I have to do it today.” And the Hertz girl is like “just give me your key and I’ll check it.” Stop. Doing. That. 

[fleaball]

Also. The car I had that teeny baby accident in? Is currently in the lot here and it looks like someone backed it into a brick wall. The back bumper is cracked and there’s red lines all over it. I know I didn’t cause that damage but I almost had a heart attack when I saw it. I guess that car is just cursed. 

[fleaball]

I’m dying. I’m so bored and of course my battery is at 10%. Grumpy old fucker left and said he’s coming back tomorrow morning. I was tempted to do the same but we’re getting 3-5” of snow during the morning commute so fuck that. 

 

I really just want to get this over with so I can go to the supermarket down the street to get food and start driving.

 

aaaaargh and they’re doing the thing where they take people out of order based on what they’re doing. Seriously it will take you less than five minutes to extend my rental why can’t you just call me and get it done? “We open at 10 for that. You should come earlier because we’re swamped at 2.” Well that’s great, but the app still only says 2-4 so even though I planned on coming early I couldn’t be sure and that’s on you. 

 

(Sylvaa I hope I’m entertaining you.)

[fleaball]

Fuck everything man. They’re not supposed to rent out cars with over 70k miles. The one they gave me in November with all the bullshit work needed? Was over 70k. They’re switching me to another car now but honestly wtf. Now I have to go get all my shit out of the old car, get settled in the new car, scream at the universe, etc. 

[Sylvaa]

35 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I’m dying. I’m so bored and of course my battery is at 10%. Grumpy old fucker left and said he’s coming back tomorrow morning. I was tempted to do the same but we’re getting 3-5” of snow during the morning commute so fuck that. 

 

I really just want to get this over with so I can go to the supermarket down the street to get food and start driving.

 

aaaaargh and they’re doing the thing where they take people out of order based on what they’re doing. Seriously it will take you less than five minutes to extend my rental why can’t you just call me and get it done? “We open at 10 for that. You should come earlier because we’re swamped at 2.” Well that’s great, but the app still only says 2-4 so even though I planned on coming early I couldn’t be sure and that’s on you. 

 

(Sylvaa I hope I’m entertaining you.)

 

If it is the snow we are getting here, it's not that bad. It is steady, however it's a light, fluffy snow that hasn't accumulated too much. It's actually quite pretty, but then again, all of our previous accumulation had melted. 

 

Also, yes. But if you ever truly rage in there, can you please film it?

[fleaball]

I hate this car. They gave me a Chevy Cruze and it’s fucking tiny. And dirty as hell. Gonna try to return it next week. Dude told me to come back tomorrow but snow. :/ 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I hate this car. They gave me a Chevy Cruze and it’s fucking tiny. And dirty as hell. Gonna try to return it next week. Dude told me to come back tomorrow but snow. :/ 

When I was at Enterprise we used to make fun of Hertz for pulling those kinds of stunts.

[fleaball]

I did two rides and called it a night. >> I just can’t focus. Not sure if it’s anxiety about job applications distracting me, or if I just didn’t eat enough food today, or if it’s totally unrelated. I’m home now, and hungry, but have no desire to make food. Mehhhhh. 

 

2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

If it is the snow we are getting here, it's not that bad. It is steady, however it's a light, fluffy snow that hasn't accumulated too much. It's actually quite pretty, but then again, all of our previous accumulation had melted. 

 

Also, yes. But if you ever truly rage in there, can you please film it?

Im more concerned about not being able to see the craters in the streets if they’re covered in snow. The road to the Lyft place is terrible right now. Actually pretty much every road is terrible thanks to our ridiculous weather. 

 

If I do ever lose my shit I will absolutely make sure you all get to witness it. 

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

When I was at Enterprise we used to make fun of Hertz for pulling those kinds of stunts.

Swapping cars on people? I am seriously never going to use Hertz if I ever need to rent my own car. Our only experience with it pre-Lyft was when my father was in an accident so his insurance covered a rental through Hertz but Hertz tried to charge us for it instead of the insurance. That was super fun. Never had any problems with Enterprise or national? Nationwide? Idk I think their logo is green, whatever they are. But Hertz can go die in a fire. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

27 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Swapping cars on people? I am seriously never going to use Hertz if I ever need to rent my own car. Our only experience with it pre-Lyft was when my father was in an accident so his insurance covered a rental through Hertz but Hertz tried to charge us for it instead of the insurance. That was super fun. Never had any problems with Enterprise or national? Nationwide? Idk I think their logo is green, whatever they are. But Hertz can go die in a fire. 

Renting out a filthy vehicle, renting out a car that should have been miled out, you name it.

[Cataleya]

My experience with Hertz when someone rear ended me was pretty good but I think this place is small enough that they can afford to take the time to clean the cars and such. I saw a guy washing on of their cars when I was taken to pick up mine.

I still don't know if I ever want to use them on my own account though, after hearing your and others' stories.

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Renting out a filthy vehicle, renting out a car that should have been miled out, you name it.

Ah, gotcha. I mean I'm willing to cut them some slack because the location I go to is just Lyft/Hertz renting out space in a PepBoys so they don't have all the resources of a legit standalone location. But honestly at this point it's like they're not even trying. 

 

They always send a survey after you go to the place and I consistently mention the same things every time and literally none of it has changed since my first visit in August. Rawr.

[Sylvaa]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Swapping cars on people? I am seriously never going to use Hertz if I ever need to rent my own car. Our only experience with it pre-Lyft was when my father was in an accident so his insurance covered a rental through Hertz but Hertz tried to charge us for it instead of the insurance. That was super fun. Never had any problems with Enterprise or national? Nationwide? Idk I think their logo is green, whatever they are. But Hertz can go die in a fire.

 

National is the green logo. FWIW, I rent weekly from Enterprise (I don't drive my personal car back and forth from NC) and still have issues with them. So tired of people who smoke in rental cars and then it only being vacuumed out. Because of course that gets rid of smoke smell.

 

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

If I do ever lose my shit I will absolutely make sure you all get to witness it. 

 

Literally one of my reasons for sticking around  

[fleaball]

14 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

National is the green logo. FWIW, I rent weekly from Enterprise (I don't drive my personal car back and forth from NC) and still have issues with them. So tired of people who smoke in rental cars and then it only being vacuumed out. Because of course that gets rid of smoke smell.

Must've been National then. Yeah smoking in rental cars is the worst. Just because you don't notice it doesn't mean the next person won't. My mother did it when we flew down to Richmond and rented a car to get my stuff out of storage and drive it home between study abroad stints. I yelled at her, of course, but that meant nothing.

[Echoceanic]

18 hours ago, fleaball said:

I did two rides and called it a night. >> I just can’t focus. Not sure if it’s anxiety about job applications distracting me, or if I just didn’t eat enough food today, or if it’s totally unrelated. I’m home now, and hungry, but have no desire to make food. Mehhhhh. 

I would have been unfocused too, after all of that shit you went through. 

 

15 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yeah smoking in rental cars is the worst. Just because you don't notice it doesn't mean the next person won't.

Also, if you're like me and cigarette smoke in heavy amounts makes my eyes itch and makes me look drunk/high (red eyes), that would suck. 

[fleaball]

On 1/16/2018 at 9:37 AM, Severine said:

I was ruminating on this reply for quite a while before I wrote it because it's big important stuff and I have so many different thoughts and reactions that it's hard to sort through. As you know, I go through a lot of similar anxiety stuff and I feel like sometimes that helps me relate but sometimes it also just means my own feelings get in the way when trying to talk about your stuff. So forgive any of this that turns out to be nonsense.

 

Quoting the main stuff that I'm responding to, just for clarity. There are obviously a bunch of recurring ideas here, but the one that stands out to me right now is the feeling of standing on the sidelines and watching time pass, feeling paralyzed by anxiety such that you feel like an frustrated spectator of your own life, unable to take action or find fulfillment from what's going on.

 

The first impulse of people who care is going to be to disagree with you. It was my initial impulse, too. "No, look at all you've accomplished!" and "But you had all these challenges to overcome so it's totally understandable that you're in the current situation" and "But you have so much time left and anything is possible." And all of that is true (all of the things people above said, too) BUT...I am not writing a post like that. Because when I read your post and find myself nodding along and relating to a lot of what you're saying, I realize that it's because I feel that way a lot too. And guess what? We feel like we're falling short of our full potential because it's fucking TRUE.

 

Anxiety fucking sucks. It DOES diminish people's capacity and resilience. It does make it harder to take chances, to do things, to dream and plan and live life fully. That's why it's such a shitty, shitty disorder. No amount of me trying to tell you that you're being too hard on yourself and actually you're fine the way you are is going to help because it's not true. The truth is that you had the bad luck to inherit/develop an anxiety disorder and it takes effort to manage and cure, just like any disorder or illness. 

 

Your anxiety is very real. It is harming you, and denying you things you would otherwise have. It has led to you missing out on friendships and opportunities. It has played some part in landing you in a place where you are not currently happy with your situation or trajectory. It has you in a mindset where even your accomplishments and strengths seem like liabilities because they just make you wonder why you didn't do more with them, etc. You have piles of experience and evidence to remind you that yeah, anxiety really does reduce your options and energy and abilities below their true potential.

Of course you're frustrated and tired of dealing with it. It's so so much to deal with, and our society sucks at supporting people in your situation emotionally or tangibly. But it is not the end of the story. There are treatments that can work. Moving out will make a huge difference. There are coping mechanisms and therapy techniques and adaptations that make it easier, some of which you are already using.

 

I think it's important to separate honest frustration (which is healthy and understandable) from blame (which is unfair and makes things worse). The mental-health-to-physical-health analogy is overdone but I'm doing it anyway: if you found it hard to initiate friendships or apply for jobs or find a career direction or whatever because you had leukemia or lupus or whatever, you would still feel frustrated, but probably not so quick to blame yourself. Embrace the frustration - it's the part of you that realizes this shit ain't right and needs to be fixed, because you are awesome and capable of so much more once you're not lugging this burden around constantly. That's the part of you that makes you keep emailing therapists and wading through insurance bullshit and posting on NF and all that. But fuck the part that is trying to blame you for it and make you feel like you're worthless or unlovable because of it.

 

The world is full of people with anxiety disorders who are in relationships that make their lives better, who work at jobs that use their skills and let them contribute, who mostly feel like life is something that can be tackled and enjoyed. You are going to be one of those people. You might need to tackle one part at a time - job search, then moving out, then meeting people, or whatever. Every step is going to be harder than if you didn't have anxiety. But I swear, you absolutely can do it. And you have a whole collection of people on here who care about you, and find you worth their time and friendship. People are not particularly charitable when it comes to friendship, on average - people are not here for community service. People are here because of YOU. Eventually you will start to see what they see, and trust that they really see it.

Okay after putting off replying to this I realized I don't actually have anything to say. (You did make me cry again though, so I was justified in putting it off for that.) I do want to know what kind of sorcery you're involved in, though, because you always seem to know what I need to hear and you also know what's going on in my head. <3

 

I also kinda want to argue with you about the frustration vs blame part because of course my first instinct is "nope, I suck and it's totally my fault for not trying harder to live my life like a normal person and pretend these issues don't exist." But I'll get yelled at by people in a half dozen time zones so that would be silly. 

 

On 1/16/2018 at 10:36 AM, Sylvaa said:

Those of us who consider you a friend are just going to continue to root for you and have faith in you when you don't have faith in yourself. 

How dare you.

[fleaball]

In case anyone's playing along at home, I'm already freaking out about the job application I put in today. Hours ago. "What if they hire me and I can't handle it? What if I massively screw up and ruin everything?" ...the fuck, brain? Can you just chill for two seconds? No one's even seen the application yet.

[Severine]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

But I'll get yelled at by people in a half dozen time zones so that would be silly. 

 

Sweet I'm glad we managed to put the fear into you, haha. 

 

24 minutes ago, fleaball said:

In case anyone's playing along at home, I'm already freaking out about the job application I put in today. Hours ago. "What if they hire me and I can't handle it? What if I massively screw up and ruin everything?" ...the fuck, brain? Can you just chill for two seconds? No one's even seen the application yet.

 

It sucks when a brain decides to really double down on overachievement as a cornerstone of identity. "I got good marks in school! I did a great job learning Arabic! Also I will worry earlier and harder than anyone would ever expect!" 

 

Congrats on getting the application in, though!

[fleaball]

10 minutes ago, Severine said:

Also I will worry earlier harder than anyone would ever expect!

I wish I could bring this up in an interview. 

 

"How do you react to stressful situations?"

• My brain has usually already imagined every possible way something could go wrong, plus a few impossible ones for fun, so it's all good.
• My entire life has been a stressful situation. But I'm still here, so that counts for something right?
• I cry at strangers on the internet until they post enough cat gifs.
• Bonus: I used to work the customer service desk at a supermarket. After the third or fourth white suburban soccer mom blaming everything on you, you become immune to certain kinds of bullshit.

Tangentially related to the last point: I had a Lyft passenger on my very first day who told me that I seemed like a very calm person and that I had a very soothing voice. I'm gonna bet the latter comes from years of not being able to lose it on countless morons, but idk where the former came from.